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Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

By: CardsLafter

Author’s note:  Image provided by Ice Storm!  What devilry is this!

Author’s Note:  First Ponyfic.  To my eventual and no doubt endearing critics...  Gently Please~!

Also, for those of you looking to read a book... Don’t read this.  It’s not a book.  It’s not written as a book.  It is written as a brony sitting down and telling you what happened, how it happened, and what it all meant to him.  Nothing more.  :3  Enjoy!

Most people do not take sudden change well.  I figure I work with it pretty easily, as long as the change isn’t bizarre.  Waking up outside on the grass was a first for me, but I’ve been known to have some pretty wild parties at my place and my step-sister is never kind enough to drag me to my bed when I do pass out, despite the fact that I’ve held her hair/head out of the toilet during similar occasions.  Still, I was not hungover, surprisingly enough.  Not even that groggy beyond the usual deep sleep clinging to me.  Indeed, had I been much more comfortable, I’d have probably rolled over and proceeded to greedily yank more Zs into my morning.  I wiped at my eyes with my hoof and decided that at very least crawling to my bed would be in order.  Then I realized I just wiped at my eyes with a hoof and not my usual hand consisting of five digits.  I’m not sure why, but my first thought consisted of wondering how I didn’t injure my eyes scraping at them with a hoof.

That’s when I first told myself that I had finally slipped into insanity.  It had taken a while, to be sure.  But I mean, c’mon.  Who wakes up with hooves instead of hands, right?  That’s just nonsense.

Well, nonsense or not, telling myself that my sanity was taking an unscheduled absence for some reason (I’ve got plenty, I assure you) was not making it any better and it certainly wasn’t getting me off this dewy grass.  So I decided to play ball and examined the hoof as I got up.  It was definitely a hoof.  An ash grey hoof.  I could tell from the shape and having seen some hooves in my time, you see.  I then held up my other hoof to make a comparison before unceremoniously crashing to the ground.

“Ow,” I remarked before shaking my head in confusion and getting back up on all fours.  Note to self, ponies can not elevate themselves off the ground without the use of their front legs holding them up.

I suppose this is where I’m supposed to double take and freak out because I’m a pony!  I’m not going to lie, folks.  I am lazy.  Not incredibly lazy, but yeah I’m up there when it comes to doing things that are mentally draining.  When it comes to the mentally exhausting stuff, I just don’t want to do it and freaking out is very much one of those things.  I mean, it’s up there with doing your taxes and attending those stupid webinars.  So rather than lose my mind over that, I sat down exactly the way ponies don’t and examined my hooves again, this time keeping at least one on the ground at any given time.

“So, I’m a pony,” I muttered out loud, still trying to sell the possibility of insanity to myself, “This has terrible implications.”

With that in mind, I decided to focus on my surroundings, namely to find a mirror so I could examine my ponyness and be as appreciative as I should be.  I quickly deduced that I was in Ponyville.  Big surprise.  Shockingly enough, though, it was early in the morning and not during the hustle and bustle of the day, which would have made my experience even more disorienting.  Whatever sick bastard did this to me, I was grateful for that much, I noted.

Orienting myself further, I realized that I was actually in the town square where all the fillies and colts set up shop.  Good, some familiar ground.  That’s when I had that feeling you get when you realize that you know something you shouldn’t.  Such as the landscape and geography of a little girls’ TV show.  I kinda giggled in an internal fashion before finally shaking it off and putting on my serious face.  Perhaps I should do something sensible and go see Twilight, the voice of pony reason, I mentally suggested to myself.  That’s when the first epic battle took place.

See, I’m a yin and yang sort of person, deep down.  There are two parts of me at war at all times and because they’re so evenly matched, I normally come off as a bland person when first met.  For future reference, we will call these halves Lafter and Stoic.  I’m not even going to bother explaining what they represent since it should be quite obvious.

So back to this battle that literally caused me to sit in Ponyville town square for nearly seven minutes and do absolutely nothing but stare into the distance like a lunatic:  Lafter wanted to go find Pinkie Pie and throw fruit at her in an attempt to get her to throw fruit back, thus leading to the Great Produce Showdown that would forever go down as the most wasteful piece of hilarity to have ever taken place in Equestria without a stage, ticket price, and trained performers.

Stoic, however, is a very persuasive fellow.  It’s his speciality, you see, being the voice of perfect and sound reason.  And while I just about ran off to Sugarcube Corner, Stoic was very adamant that I at least familiarize myself a bit more with my setting rather than run off and cause an incident without fully understanding the consequences.  Besides, Pinkie might be allergic to papayas and I don’t think my conscience could handle bringing harm to anypony.  And I’d still get to meet one of my favorite ponies if I went to Twilight’s Library, anyway.

I know, it didn’t take seven minutes to process that for you, but trust me, it was like trying to solve a calculus equation with the stereo blasting some death metal and the Winter Wrap Up song at the same time for me.  Pure mental chaos that eventually faded with time to be sure.

With that I decided to pull out a cigarette, lit it, and started to walk towards what I felt was likely the direction to get to the tree-library that housed a certain purple pony.  Then I did my first actual double take.  I’ll just list out the questions and thoughts that went through my head rather than try to explain just how it all gushed out of my cognitive process.

1)  Holy bit, I’m a pony and I’m smoking.

2)  Holy bit, cigarettes in Equestria!

3)  I am such a corrupting influence and I haven’t even spoken to anypony yet!

4)  Where the hay did that pack of cigarettes go?

5)  How the hay did I just light that cigarette?

6)  Where the hay did that pack of cigarettes come from!?

7)  Where is the nearest ash tray!?

8)  I can’t smoke here!  Think of the ponies!

9)  If I try and quit, I might lose my temper at a pony!

10) I’m sorry, but you’ve thrown off the Emperor’s Groove.

This caused yet another mental foray within myself and I eventually decided to just smoke it and bury the filter later.  I know, smoking is bad.  I don’t do it because I like it (I hate it, actually), I do it because I’m addicted and attempts made at quitting have led to murderous tempers.  I am a zen master with having had a smoke in the last four hours, but without them, I devolve into something hideous and generally not fit for human society, much less pony society.  I don’t know what it’s called, I just know that scientists refuse to do a study on the matter due to how dangerous it would be and no existing grant is willing to shell out that kind of hazard pay.

Continuing on, I looked around at my cartoon surroundings in the earliest of dawn lighting and wondered how the physics worked.  I’ve seen ponies pick up paintbrushes with a single hoof before and then I remembered Spike yanking a gem out of a body pocket once.  Maybe that’s where I put my cigarettes?  I decided to give it a try and just randomly attempted to pull the box out.  Worked on the first try.  I’m still not sure if this excited me or angered me, but sure enough, in my ash grey hoof was a silver and cyan box of Mareboro Smooth 100s.  I started to go into another breakdown over this but I realized those were extremely tiring and time consuming.  Thus, I decided not to.

“Mareboro,” I said with a snicker as I spotted a very familiar library in the distance, putting the box of cigarettes back.  My smile widening, I began to run (gallop) towards the big tree before stopping just at the door and wondering just how early it was.  I pulled out my smart phone and clicked the button on it to check the time.

6:52 am

I put it away before doing another double take.  Just how much crap did I have on me!?  Agh... Whatever.  Almost seven in the morning.  Applejack is definitely awake right now.  Pinkie probably sleeps in, being the party animal that she is.  Twilight however, I was not sure.  She was something of a night owl last I had checked, so she could be a late sleeper.  Spike’s an early riser, at least, right?

“Damn the torpedoes,” I muttered before clopping at the door.

Surely enough, the door opened up and there he was, two foot nothing (well, it seemed that high to me anyway) and staring up at me with a slightly confused yet welcoming purple smile.  The only dragon to have ever achieved pony amounts of cute: Spike.

“Can I help you?” he asked politely, regarding me with an increasingly strange look.

“Oh, um,” I was a little caught off guard but I eventually recovered and asked what I felt was a perfectly sensible question, “I’m new in town and I heard this was the local library.  Being something of a foreign scholar and I wanted to peruse the contents but I wasn’t sure if it was available to just anypony.  Is it public or private, my good sir?”

Spike stared at me as though I were completely crazy.  This in turn made me go from feeling incredibly clever, to equally stupid.  I’m not used to feeling stupid, you see?  I’m not trying to boast here, but I am an extremely capable and intelligent person when I put my mind to a task, and doing the occasional stupid thing actually causes me to laugh rather than actually feel stupid.  This time, I felt it.  Full on stupid.  Who’s a silly pony?  I am.  I can’t say I cared for it.

“What do you mean ‘is it public or private?’” he finally asked.  This actually brought a sense of relief.  Spike must not have been aware of the difference.

“Oh, well you see, a public library is open to everypony to come and check out books for a few days at a time, while a private library is only available to a select group of ponies who have preexisting affiliations with the library or it’s staff in some way,” I tried to elaborate neatly.  Spike wasn’t an idiot.  Right?

“Oh!” his eyes widened greatly before becoming skeptical again, “You mean... A library that gives it’s books away?  That doesn’t sound like any library I’ve ever heard of.”

“Oh, well, you see... The ponies bring them back after a few days.  Basically the process works like this:  A)  Ponies come in and check out a book after registering with the library staff.  B) Ponies read the books for the few days they have them checked out or until they’re finished, whichever comes first.  C) They bring them back to the library for other ponies to come read so that the library can continue sharing it’s wealth of knowledge without ever losing it’s books for more than a handf... er... hooffull of days at a time.”

That was when I saw a different purple head poke around the door frame inquisitively.  I was instantly overwhelmed in awesome.  My cigarette fell out of my mouth (AAAGGGH!  I still had it?!) as I took in Twilight Sparkle.  Naturally, we know what Twilight looks like and it’s not like I was beauty struck, it was just the entire concept of one of the Mane 6 in my actual presence... Another mind blowing moment.  This was becoming quite the theme of my day.

“I’ve never heard about these... public libraries,” Twilight gave me a suspicious look, “Where are you from?”

After composing myself and stomping out the cigarette, I smiled happily, “I’m from a different world.  Hence the whole foreign scholar spiel.  I’m actually looking for you, Twilight Sparkle.  I need your help.  I’m kinda a long way from home.”

Twilight boggled a moment at the fact that I knew her name but being the sensible gal that she is, did not panic and simply stepped aside, “Come in please.”

With that, I trotted in, making sure I was careful to wipe my feet (hooves, damn it!) on the mat before finding the nearest bench and firmly planting my plot on it in the exact same fashion that ponies do not (again).  It smelled like a musty old library, as one would expect.  That fact alone, was pretty cool.  I actually breathed in several times, smiling dreamily as I made sure to memorize the smell.

Spike and Twilight stared at me like I was from outer space.  Technically, I probably was, but that didn’t make me feel any better as I realized just how dumb I looked.

“Ahem~!” I cleared my throat, blushing somewhat I’m sure, “I uh... I don’t know how to say this other than I’m not a pony in all actuality, and that my presence probably isn’t a good thing.  Though I won’t lie, me being here is not upsetting me in the least.”

The purple pony and purple dragon exchanged a purple glance before looking back at me.

Twilight gave a skeptical smile, “You don’t look especially different from any other unicorn I’ve seen.”

My jaw dropped before I slapped at my forehead with my Hooves!  Not hands! and was met with a rush of joy as I felt the ivory (I’m assuming it was ivory, for all I know it’s actually made of incredibly hard cheese) horn poking out of my forehead.

“No way!  I’m a frigg’n unicorn!” I gasped before hopping up and focusing like a mad man, “I wonder what spells I can cast!”

“I am now fully capable of believing he’s an alien,” Spike stated flatly before walking for the stairs, having lost interest in me, “Let me know if you wanna capture and study him, Twilight, I’m going to find some breakfast.”

“Spike!  Manners!” she snapped at the baby dragon before turning back to me, “Okay, so you weren’t aware of the horn in your head.  And you’re how old?”

“Twenty-three actually,” I said, still straining as hard as I could to make some unicorn magic happen.  I won’t lie, folks, Lafter was in control here and even Stoic was kinda curious to see where this would go.

“Are you trying to cast a spell?” Twilight asked helpfully, backing away slowly.

I gave up with a sigh.  Mentally tiring activities were in abundance today, it seemed.  Then I was struck with an idea and pulled out a cigarette from my nothing (body pocket just sounds weird) and lit it with a bit of fire that came from my horn!  There wasn’t a lighter!  It just lit on it’s own, practically!  I was a pyromancer!  Picture the greatest day of your life and multiply it by three.  Yeah.  You’re getting close to just how cool this day was.  But still not there yet.

“Awesome!” I gasped with your typical awesome face, “I control fire! What’s my cutie mark look like?”

“Ummm,” Twilight was obviously starting to have serious doubts about my sanity and to be honest, I had already come to terms with the loss of it some time ago.  I did an adorable spin that Applebloom would have been proud of and spotted it.  It was a shield made of orange fire with a faded in blue center.  It also seemed as though I were ash grey all over, which made sense since I didn’t know of any ponies that were multicolored on their coats.  My tail, however, was flame blue with fiery orange tips.  I kinda felt woozy after that.  I mean, the sheer amounts of cool piling into a single hour was going to overdose at this rate and likely kill me or render me comatose.

I needed to get a grip, though.  Lafter had his fun and now it was time for serious business again.  I stopped behaving like a buffoon before sighing and turning to face Twilight with a sheepish smile, “Sorry, this is all just so very new to me.  Y’see, I only got here half an hour ago and it’s been a lot to take in.”

Twilight looked relieved that I was actually somewhat sensible again and simply nodded, “It’s okay just... Let me get you a drink.  What do you like?”

“Tomato juice, Milk, Sweet Tea, Water in that order,” I rattled off, avoiding anything ponies might not consume. Like, I dunno... blood or beef juice.  Whatever, I was being cautious.

When she returned with a glass of milk on a floating plate, I smiled happily and took the glass with two hooves (which is a lot harder than it sounds, and after thinking about it, it sounds hard.  But yeah, harder than that), throwing it back with gusto.  It does the body good.

“Well, I can tell you’re not used to being a unicorn,” she pointed out with a wry smirk, “Why didn’t you just use your magic to levitate it.”

“Like I said.  I’ve only been a unicorn for half an hour,” I reminded her before taking a drag off my lit cigarette, “Crap!”

The sudden realization that I was smoking in Twilight’s house sunk in immediately.  Another little piece of information about myself:  I do not smoke indoors.  At all (at least not without a huge amount of motivation to do otherwise.).  I don’t care if I’m at someone’s house who does smoke indoors.  It’s a sign of disrespect to the home if not the homeowner and I am a very respectful person.  I immediately doused the cigarette on my tongue and stashed it back into my nothing without a second thought, blushing terribly.  My shame level was somewhere beyond nine thousand, if it were at all measurable.

“Sorry,” I muttered sheepishly.

“You just burned your tongue!” she gasped, staring at me like I was crazy (she did that a lot and I’m still certain I’m to blame for it).

“No no,” I refuted, sticking my tongue out to her to show her how wrong she was, “I’m an experienced smoker so I know how to do that without actually hurting myself.  It’s actually not that hard, it just tastes terrible.”

“What was that anyway?  It kinda smelled... well,” she was trying to be polite and think of a kind way to tell me that cigarettes reeked.

“I know.  They smell terrible.  I’ll explain some other time, it’s not that important right now.  What is important is discerning if my presence here has any detrimental effect on Equestria as a whole beyond my potentially harmful knowledge.”

“Assuming you’re not actually crazy, right?” she finally pointed out that damn metaphorical elephant standing in the middle of the room being fat and obvious.  Screw metaphorical elephants!

“I’m not sure of which I’d rather it be,” I stated honestly with a nod, “But the more I realize I’ve yet to do something out of character for me, the more I’m fairly certain some greater power is just screwing with me.  That said, where do we go from here?”

“Well, the first thing we need to do is start sharing some basic information,” Twilight nodded before picking a nearby bench and lounging onto it, “That will give me enough information to find out whether or not you’re making this up.  So what do you actually look like?  Assuming you’re not a pony.”

“Ummm, actually think of Spike,” I said, instantly grasping the bipedal form of the baby dragon, “Now we’ll try and mold and detail from there.  Hmmm... No tail.  Five fingers instead of four.  Also, instead of scales, humans have soft, smooth, mostly hairless skin that have color tone ranges of pink, orange, brown, white, black and mixtures thereof.  Then instead of those spines on his head, give him a pony’s mane with color tone ranges of black, brown, white, blonde, and darker reds.  Now make him about six feet tall and that’s the basic idea.  I suppose if you wanted to, I could ramble on about how many different ways humans can look but that could take an entire day on it’s own.  I kid you not, as diverse as ponies can get, they really have nothing on humans in how different they appear.”

Twilight blinked, utterly caught off guard at how quickly I was able to answer the question and with such detail before smiling a tad reluctantly, “We’re going to be here a while, aren’t we?”

I sighed with a wistful smile, “It really wouldn’t hurt my feelings.  So what do you want to know?”

And we burned about the next two hours talking about Earth.  Sometimes I simply had to deny her answers, explaining that until I have a better understanding of where I was, I couldn’t risk telling her.  Things such as war, murder, and other grimdark subjects I tried to avoid and would even flatly refuse to approach anything related.  I was surprised that she was not appalled at the fact that humans were omnivores, though I think the fact that ponies were not considered food to the general public was what assuaged her fears on that matter.

I told her of agriculture, the education system, fast food, fashion, automobiles, and even computers.  She thought I was making up that last part until I showed her my smart phone.  I had to take it away from her to get back to the discussion but not before promising to let her look at it later.  I mostly did so to keep her from seeing all the MLP content on it and her end up thinking I was some crazy stalker (Hah!  Aren’t we all?).  I found it particularly amusing that Twilight was utterly floored at how humans could predict the weather based on certain patterns and fronts.  I admit, I don’t know much on the subject, but I explained that even though we don’t control the weather, specialists on the matter allowed humanity to work around it quite nicely with the occasional exception.  And no.  Humans don’t have magic.  We have thumbs which are as close to magic as you can get, in my opinion.

Then I turned the tables on her and had her explain Equestria to me.  How Earth Ponies actually had magic that let them use their hooves and tails as prehensile limbs and were actually much better at it than unicorns, who mostly relied on their horn’s magic for such interaction.  That made sense actually, since I had seen Applejack do lasso tricks with her tail, I silently concluded.  Pegasii were able to use their magic to make themselves lighter, explaining the physics behind such small wings propelling ponies into the air and that the same magic allowed them to directly interact with the weather as well as certain special talents.  Talking about Cutie Marks and names that seemed to pertain to significance towards a ponies special talent took up quite a bit of time in itself.  Twilight assured me though, that a pony was free to choose her special calling, even if it was only subconsciously and that fate would sometimes magically cause such things as names and coloring of one’s mane and coat to reflect that talent.  Sometimes it would even be a hint to help them realize it, but never was a pony’s special talent influenced by their name or colors.  Clear as mud to you, too?

Finally, the interruption came in the form of hay, lovingly served to us by Spike.  I grimaced.  Being a pony does not mean I want to eat hay.  Sorry, even if some pony part of me inside found the hay appetizing, the real me did not and the real me gets the final say.

Twilight looked at the clock, “Oh wow, we’ve been at this for a while, haven’t we?” she laughed a bit before taking a bite out of the hay, “Thank you, Spike!”

Spike smiled at her before looking at me inquisitively, “So... What, aliens don’t eat hay?”

“Nope,” I stated firmly before sighing.  I needed to at least try and be polite, “I will... try it, though.  Just don’t expect me to be blown away.”

With that, I took a chomp and my eyes widened considerably.  It tasted exactly what you would expect hay to taste like.  Big.  Dried.  Grass.  It tasted so bad.  It’s HAY!  I found myself utterly amused by the entire concept of such terrible food eaten just because ponies are supposed to eat it, even though these ponies were obviously superior to the ponies back on Earth and could make the connection of “Hey!  This hay tastes like crap!”  What about hay is so appetizing to these ponies, I asked myself incredulously as I began laughing with my mouth full.  Twilight and Spike stared at me as I literally laughed my way though an entire bite of hay.  I couldn’t help it, it was just funny.  I’m eating hay and even though I’m a pony and I should like it, nothing could be further from the truth.  After swallowing, I shook my head with a chuckle, “That was terrible.  Do you have a kitchen?  I’m sorry, but you guys need to try something with a bit of flavor.”

Spike seemed extremely offended but was cut off by Twilight who obviously was curious to see what would happen, “Of course.  Spike, please show Mister... “

We all sorta let a heavy silence fill the air as we all realized that I had yet to give them my name.  She gave me a hesitant smile and waited for me to supply her with one.

“Well, I can give you a name that I make up to fit in with the ponies... Or I can just give you my real name, which to be honest, really isn’t that exciting to me,” I offered, shrugging somewhat.

“Whichever you prefer, I suppose,” she replied, laughing a tad in response to my nonchalant approach to rather significant details in my life.

“Let’s go with a pony name for now.  Hmmm... Let’s go with something cool and related to fire in some way.  Suggestions Lady and Dragon?” I decided to get a little help.

“Yeah, Hot Air,” Spike said with a smirk, earning a glare from Twilight.  I laughed.  It was pretty clever and to be fair, I had insulted Spike’s cooking.

“How about Firefly?” Twilight gave a helpful smile.

I grimaced.  Dash’s beta name, “Errr... I don’t think so.  Not because it’s a bad idea, but yeah... Trust me when I say that could cause problems and that’s the last thing I want to do.”

“Spitfire?” Spike suggested with a draconian shrug.

“That’s the lead pony of the Wonderbolts,” I pointed out, not sure if they were aware or not, “She might take offense.”

“Well, your Cutie Mark is a fiery shield,” Twilight tapped her chin with a pensive hoof.

“Yeah, but Pinkie Pie’s Cutie Mark is a buncha balloons,” I pointed out instantly, “So really it can be whatever I like, I suppose.”

Twilight gave me a suspicious glance, probably catching onto the fact that she had never mentioned Pinkie Pie or her Cutie Mark, “I suppose so.”

“Bah, I can’t think on an empty stomach,” I said with a huff and got up off the bench, jumping to my hooves rather over dramatically, “Spike!  To the kitchen!  Have you ever heard of Lo Mien?”

“No,” he responded flatly and proceeded to saunter away, leaving me somewhat deflated.  His lack of enthusiasm simply would not do.  As such, I picked him up by his spines and tossed him onto my back, galloping away in the general direction he had aimed for, “H-Hey watch it!”

“Be careful with him, I’ve only got one!” I heard Twilight call out to me jokingly.

“Just sit tight!  You’ll want to see this!” I promised him before spotting the place of business that I had been looking for, “Yessss~!  Now, Spike... I’m going to work incredibly fast.  I need you to keep up.  And I’ll need quick responses on where to find ingredients and cooking utensils.”

“O-Okay, I... I’ll try,” he said, my fervor having dispelled his disinterest and replaced it with hesitant curiosity.

“Good!  First thing I need is a large handkerchief!” I demanded, to which Spike directed me towards a certain drawer that had an assortment of rags, handkerchiefs and pot holders.  I snatched one out, whipped it over my head to help with any sweating or loose hair and tied it tight with a bit of unicorn magic that I didn’t even realize I was using.  To quote a certain white pony with fabulous royal purple hair:  It.  Is (Was). On!

And it was like magic, I tell you.  My mind was set to a task and I simply had to get it done.  Spike was a bit slow at first, but as he caught on, he became more eager to participate and it wasn’t long before I had given him a mixing bowl to work at from his seat on my back while I zipped about the kitchen eagerly.  Then came the fun part.  Because I learned my second fire trick when I suddenly realized that I had to work with a wood stove (No, not a stove made of wood, a stove heated by wood, you goofs!).  I tried to light the wood with the little cigarette lighting trick but that  just wasn’t going to happen.  I barely got one of the corners to flare up red before starting to lose faith.  Finally, I became angry and blew at the small cinder as hard as I could.  What came next was shocking to both me and Spike when I had suddenly spat fire into the dry tinder, instantly setting the wood ablaze.

“Woah!” Spike cried out, “I’ve never seen a fire-breathing pony before!  Or a fire-breathing anything that wasn’t a dragon!”

“Me neither!” I exclaimed, just as blown away as he was until I became distracted with the fact that the fire was not going to be hot enough for what I needed.  With that in mind, I tossed the pan full of doughy noodles up on the stove and began breathing more fire into the fuel.  Within moments, I heard the wonderful sound of noodles frying.

Several minutes later, I had served up Lo Mien!  Slightly inaccurate since a few key utensils were missing but it tasted exactly the same, or so I was hoping.  I felt so proud of myself as I came out pushing a cart adorned in a matching trio of bowls that I was almost skipping like a little girl.  It wasn’t entirely complete, I suppose, but I had taken care to throw in lots of cabbage along with some carrot strips and bean sprouts as well as some makeshift seasoning.  It was so vegan, there was just no way it would be received poorly by my herbivorous friend.

“Bonn Apatite, ma Chere,” I said with a goofy grin, snagging my bowl with my mouth and setting it down before digging in.  Not as good as the authentic stuff, but it was very close.

Twilight must have thought it was the strangest looking stuff she had ever seen because she was very slow to nibble at first before confirming it’s quality with an eager bite.  Spike, having already tested it behind my back (He only thought he got away with it) had no problems digging in right away.

It was when Twilight decided to mimic me and slurp a few noodles from one end into her mouth that she discovered just how messy Lo Mien could be.  For when you do that, the noodles have a tendency to fly up and smack you in the face, leaving the oil and sauce all over your visage, which was exactly the case here.  Snickering, I pulled the handkerchief off my head and wiped the offending spot on her face, earning an embarrassed smile from her.

That was when I met the second pony of the Mane 6, for the door had just burst open and a rainbow colored streak flew in immediately.  I froze.  I was mesmerized.  Moreso than I had been by Twilight.  For you see, this was my favorite rainbow colored streak.  The coolest of the cool.  The fastest of the fast.  Measurable in increments of one-fifth in just how much awesome she brought to the plate.  It was my idol:  Rainbow Dash.

“Twilight, there’s a huge crater in town square!” Rainbow Dash cried before taking in the actual scene, specifically the one where I was serving Twilight lunch and happily cleaning the sauce off her face, “Oh.  Woah.  Hey!  Twilight, did you get a coltfriend!?  That’s so awesome!”

Before you could say, OmigoshOmigoshOmigoshOmigoshOmigosh, Twilight shoved my helping hoof away, blushed brightly, and nearly choked trying to speak through a mouthful of noodles, “Mno!”

I laughed, quite caught off guard by both Rainbow Dash’s question and Twilight’s immediate reaction, “I... wow, that did look compromising!  I promise, though, that’s not the case.  I mean, we haven’t even decided on my name yet.”

“Uh.  What?” Dash was confused, obviously, giving me a sharply suspicious look and flapping up to closely examine me, “Yeah, I don’t recognize you at all.  You new?”

I started to respond, but instead I just kinda stared back at the cyan pony’s plum colored eyes in utter awe as it sunk back in whom I was speaking to.  Let me put things into perspective, for the kids at home:  My Google Chrome is RBD themed.  My Desktop Wallpaper is Rainbow Dash proudly pointing at her chest on a black reflective background.  My smart phone’s background is the sonic rainboom stretched seven panels wide.  My Elemental Shaman on WoW is named RainbowCrash.  My Trillian account avatar is Rainbow Dash flailing her tongue about.  I bought a black T-shirt with the words “RBD:  20% cooler in ten seconds flat!” with her Cutie Mark in a punkish art style in the center.  Are you catching my hint?  Are you picking up what I’m putting down?  Has the damned metaphorical elephant in the room become fat and obvious enough, yet?  Because it’s standing right there.

Translation: I love this pony.

I know I should be ashamed to admit this, yet strangely, I am not.  My awesome day had reached a critical level and there just wasn’t any possible way for to handle anymore any longer.  There comes a point when you simply have to take a break from preposterous amounts of cool, awesome, and general win.

I passed out.  Yeah.  Like a fan girl.

Also, I can tell you from the bruise I would later wake up with, nopony was nice enough to catch my heavy plot.  You cut me deep, Rainbow Dash.  You cut me real deep.

Chapter Two!

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Two: Revenge of the Chapter

Author’s note:  Awesome cutiemark graphic by Wrek.  :)  

A few more author’s notes:  Do not be shy in the comments, let me know if I might be doing something you think is wrong or could be done better. :)  Also, I’m still looking for an artist to draw the protag and am still taking name suggestions (lots of good ones so far)!

Officially looking for proofreaders, as well, so if you’re interested in helping out, please contact me at Lafteroth@hotmail.com

And this goes without saying, but thanks for reading.  Enjoy!  -Laffy

So upon waking up some undetermined amount of time later, I found myself laying back on the library bench (I guess ponies don’t have chairs) that I had been on before, only slightly more bruised.  I worked my jaw to confirm that my cheekbone had indeed been a trooper and took the fall for what seemed like the entirety of my body, simply because it’s selfless like that.  At the time, though, I wished it had been a little more self preserving and spread the gravitational love around.  What I had wished upon even more was that I had been caught instead of being allowed to dash myself against the hardwood floor like ragdoll.  To be fair, my state of unconsciousness did arrive rather quickly and without warning, but if Rainbow Dash can break the light spectrum and the sound barrier at the same time, she can at least help a pony down gently.

I digress.  This was reflected upon later, because in all actuality I had been overcome with that sensation of disorientation.  You know that awful sensation where you spend the night in an unfamiliar setting and you wake up thinking that how that isn’t your back yard and that you don’t remember planting those trees?  Well, I got that multiplied many times over as I realized this library I was in was particularly cartoony and musty.  Then in ten seconds flat, it all came back to me in a rush that made me once again doubt my claim to sane.  After fast forwarding through the (what I presume to be normal) stages of confusion, shock, horror, awe, and happy, I slid off the bench and called out, “Hello?”

No answer, to my surprise.  Twilight was trusting enough to leave me in her house alone!  I guess ponies didn’t have other pony thieves.  Just Gilda, perhaps?  Regardless, I sighed softly and decided I needed a cigarette.  As I trotted outside, I pulled out a Mareboro and smirked as it just lit itself.  Magic.  It wasn’t going to be hard getting used to this.  Not even kinda.  I took a long inhale as I began taking in the scenery, letting the calming sensation of nicotine set in (one of the few things I do not hate about the damn things) as my eyes wandered about.  Everything was so bright and colorful with an extra dose of pink thrown onto it all.  Now I’m a manly kinda guy that can get away with looking alright in a pink shirt, but still, it was starting to make me wonder if these ponies ever got tired of seeing such colors.  I mean, just how much pink does one need in their life?

Now, I’m not sure if thinking of pink caused it or perhaps some fourth wall power of hers may have triggered the event or if she was just Pony-Superman and always knew when she was needed.  What I do know was that my already incredibly pink world became crammed full of even more pink in but an instant.  With a gasp not unalike that of a vacuum cleaner turning on, a pony of the colors pink and pink zipped right up to my face.

“You must be new!” she looked so ecstatic and curious and pink that I didn’t even have time to let it sink in that Pinkie Pie was in my face’s personal space, “What is that!?”

She pointed at my cigarette with a dramatically extended hoof which didn’t seem possible since she was only inches away from me to begin with.  It was only just then that I realized that the other ponies were just a tad shorter than me.  I figured I must be Big Mac sized or something.

“Um,” I responded in what I hoped wasn’t a stupid way.

“Have you seen the big crater in town?  It’s huge!  You have, haven’t you?” she queried, not taking a single breath during her intense interrogation, “Are you Twilight’s coltfriend?”

“Um,” I said profoundly.

“WAIT!” she yelled suddenly hopping back and crouching down defensively.

I was waiting.  I didn’t know what else to do.  I was still too busy reeling from the pink sensory overload I was experiencing to do anything else, really.  It was as though something obvious had just come over her, though, and everything else needed to stop.  Then she got that look.  Yeah.  The one she gave Applejack.  Narrow blue eyes wreathed in pink suspicion.  I think it had some sort of psychoactive properties because even though I didn’t have anything to feel guilty or anxious about, I began to sweat and panic.

I got brave, “Ye... Yes?”

“Is it true you don’t have a name?” she asked slowly, her narrow eyes focusing intently on mine.

“Uh.  Not really,” I answered honestly.  I wasn’t as brave as Applejack.  I was not going to lie to the eyes that were staring into my soul’s inner child.  Let the silly pony take that risk.

“Awww,” she became extremely put out by this for some reason.  I felt even worse.  I wasn’t even doing anything wrong and I’m still not sure why I was feeling so bad to begin with!  Pinkie Pie must emit an aura of empathic emotion that infects you with what response she deems appropriate, I figured.  Then I realized I was trying to analyze the Pinkus Piehkus before promptly just letting it go.  That was likely one of the wisest decisions I’ve ever made in my entire life.

“W-What?” I asked, my undeserved guilt offset only by my copious amounts of perplexity.

“Twilight told me you didn’t have a name and that you and her were trying to come up with one and I wanted to help and give you a name but you already have one and now I can’t help name you because you already have a name which means there’s no point in trying to give you one!” she explained at rapid speeds before letting out that sigh.  You know the one?  When she thought her friends didn’t like her anymore?  Receiving it in first person pony was horrible.  Heartbreaking was only beginning to scratch the surface of just how much effect it was having on me.

“Oh, uh... That’s still true,” I pointed out, trying to smile in an encouraging fashion, “I do still need a pony name.”

It was like I had fired a concentrated dose of happy right into her bloodstream (which I believe is illegal back home), or so one would have thought due to the excited reaction she displayed (which involved a bounce, squeal, hoofclap, and something else that I’m pretty sure defied even the extremely lenient Equestria-physics laws.  No, I don’t know what it’s called.).  All that mattered to me at the time, though, was that I not be held responsible for another Pinkamena breakdown.  Crisis averted.  Guilt trip evaded.

“What’s your special talent?!” she asked instantly, ready to bequeath me a moniker right on the spot.

“Fire?” I said with a helpless laugh, pointing at the cigarette in my mouth.  Strangely enough, she did not seem put off by the terrible odor.  I was caught fearing she might actually like it and ask for one.  I wouldn’t have given it to her easily, but if her eyes got big and round enough, I’m pretty sure she could have made Hideki Tojo call his planes back from bombing Pearl Harbor.

“REALLY?!” the idea of a fire pony was unbelievably exciting to her, it seemed.  I’ve no idea what she wanted to do with a fire pony such as myself, but I could tell the gears had already begun to rapidly turn within her head.  Sweet Celestia, what had I done?

“Pinkie, we agreed to name him later!” I heard my idol shout from the distance.  We both turned to spot Rainbow Dash lazily doing loops in the direction of the Town Square, “Now c’mon, Twilight said to get him and bring him back, not interrogate him!”

Why on Earth (or Equestria) they didn’t send somepony with more focus than Pinkie Pie (such as Applejack, Rarity, or maybe a small rock) to come get me, I’m not sure but apparently she had taken long enough that Rainbow Dash was also sent.  That suited me just fine.  I didn’t pass out this time, fortunately and was simply overcome with warm inspirational fuzzies instead.  This must be what Rainbow Dash was afflicted with when she met the Wonderbolts.  Stoic quickly interrupted my happiness, bringing me back to Earth Equestria and telling me to stay focused.  I sighed wistfully before turning back to Pinkie Pie.

“Names later.  There’s a party at the crater,” I joked sarcastically, half expecting her to actually believe it.

“A big one!” she agreed with a laugh, tilting her head back and forth with every other syllable, “We were going to name it after you but Blegh!  You ruined it by not having one!  Now we have to call it the No-Name party!”

The fact that she caught onto the slightly subtle joke was more cool than I could reasonably take time to explain.  Suffice it to say, Pinkie Pie was awesome.

“Come! ON!” Rainbow Dash was suddenly behind us, somehow pushing us both along with her head, “Move it, ‘No-Name!’”

Laughing, I began to break into a gallop and got about halfway through my cigarette before I could smell the odor of ash and fading smoke in the air.  As we turned into the Town Square, I was instantly assaulted by a cornucopia of ponies and their colors all staring at a large hole in the ground.  The scorched earth let off a somewhat acrid smoke that made my eyes water the closer we got.  This didn’t seem to bother the ponies so much, I noticed before realizing I was still smoking.  With that in mind, I took a final drag off my cigarette before dousing it on my tongue and stashing it away yet again while every pony was distracted with the crater.  I did not want to draw too much attention to myself, and I’m really not a fan of unfamiliar crowds, human or otherwise.

Now, this crater wasn’t like huge by apocalyptic standards, but it was still big enough that it would almost take you thirty seconds to jog a lap around it so it wasn’t exactly minuscule.  I was just glad that nopony got hurt, it seemed, and that it was too far away from any building to have done damage.  It had just caused a big nasty scar in an otherwise pristine little town.

“Where’s Twilight?” I asked, since she was the pony that had sent for me.

In a display of amazing upper pony strength, Pinkie Pie grabbed me, hoisted me up into the air and yelled out for Twilight the moment she spotted her and Applejack on the far side of the crater.

“Twilight!  Here’s the fire pony!  The one with no name!” Pinkie Pie yelled, shaking me just a tad to help emphasize me.

This caused Every. Single. Pony. to look at me.  Thanks Pinkie.  You’re a champ.  

Since I might as well have been walking around with a big red neon sign saying “I DID IT AND I’M NOT SORRY,” I just shrugged and pulled the cigarette back out (yes, still being waved about in the air).  It didn’t even phase me by this point that Pinkie was holding me up despite being significantly smaller than me.  Pinkie Pie also can outrun Rainbow Dash, break out into a lyrical masterpiece for any reason and knocks on barn doors with her face.  There was really no point in contemplating it.

Twilight facehoofed.  I was betting that she was thinking along the same lines as I was, namely fearing that suspicion would instantly be aimed at me.  Sure enough, I was already getting glares and hearing whispers.  I saw Daisy restraining herself from having a valley girl conniption and spotted Berry Punch who was quick to snatch up Ruby before backing away.  Over Protective Parent Pony to the unnecessary rescue!  Taking her lead, the rest of the ponies began to put some distance between themselves and me.  I was quickly becoming singled out and secluded except for Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash whom had protectively placed herself between us and the other ponies.  It was like the Zecora treatment on crack.  I hate to say it, but I was really not appreciating the reception and many ponies were quickly becoming less endearing to me as the whispers got louder and more brazen.

“Ya’ll ponies knock it off!” Applejack’s commanding voice instantly nipped it all in the bud, causing all ponies to turn to her and Twilight, “That’s no way to treat a guest in Ponyville!  I declare, he ain’t even had a chance to introduce himself and ya’lls gonna start pointin’ hooves at him!  Fer shame, I tell ya!”

Applejack is not a silly pony and would never be so again in my eyes.  With just a handful of sentences, she had changed the entire herd’s mood from suspicious contempt to apologetic shame.  I smiled somewhat, genuinely touched at the fact that she had come to my protection and gave her an appreciative nod as both her and Twilight approached.

“Nice going, AJ” Rainbow Dash said with a laugh, “And here I thought I was going to have to get mean on some ponies!”

“Sure you were, Rainbow,” Twilight said with a mirthful roll of her eyes, “So anyway, Stranger, you... … Pinkie?”

“Yes!” she answered with a bounce, causing me to nearly drop my smoke.  Yup.  Still up there.

“Be a dear and drop our new friend,” Twilight politely ordered.

Why Twilight chose the word “Drop” instead of taking the extra syllables to say “Set him down” instead, I’ll never know.  Pinkie did exactly what she was told, though.  I smacked into the ground betwixt all the ponies hard enough to bounce a little and instantly became somewhat less enamored with both the purple and pink ponies.  At least I had matching face bruises, I told myself with an internal guffaw.

“Pinkie, you...” Twilight facehoofed again before groaning in exasperation, “No.  That’s actually my fault.  I should have seen that coming.  I apologize.”

“It’s cool.  I’ve had worse,” I promised as I got up with a wince, glancing at the crater in question, “So uh... Yeah, I don’t remember doing that.  But to be honest, I just woke up here some few hours ago so anything is possible.  I may have fell out of the sky for all I know.  Oh, thanks for that back there, Applejack.  You too, Rainbow Dash.”

“Uhh.  Sure thing,” they both gave me surprised looks.  Using fan knowledge was not winning me any points, I figured.  I would have to stop that.  Hah!  Yeah, right, I was enjoying the hell out of it.

“Anyway,” Twilight interjected before either of them could ask how I knew their names, “The important part is that either way, you don’t think you did this, right?”

“Nah, not intentionally at least,” I shook my head, politely blowing my smoke away from all of the ponies, “I only just found out how to breathe fire earlier today.”

“Yeah, and it smells terrible,” Applejack threw a hoof over her nose, staring irritably at my cigarette.

“Sorry,” I blushed as I doused it on my tongue, though I won’t lie, it was purely for the reaction I got from everypony (except Twilight who still gave a slight grimace).  They could have asked if I was a wizard and it wouldn’t have been as funny as the looks on their faces.

“Gosh, Ah didn’t mean ya needed t’hurt yerself!” Applejack gawked at me like I was crazy (doesn’t everybody?) as I put it away, yet again in the nothing.

“Apparently fire doesn’t harm him,” Twilight incorrectly speculated, apparently having not believed me when I said I knew how to do that without hurting myself.  The thought had not really occurred to me, though, about being immune to fire.  I began to wonder how the fire got ignited from within or if it did so just outside of my mouth (like I could tell without a mirror!).  Then I remembered that dependable catchall for the implications of both answers:  Magic~!  Whatever pony was the creator of physics here, he or she sure was lazy.

"That's kinda intense," Rainbow Dash's eyes widened at the thought, making me feel more awesome than was healthy for my ego.  

"We're gettin' off the matter at hoof here,” Applejack yanked us back on track pointedly.

“Right,” I concurred with a smirk, “Well, Twilight, do you know of any natural phenomena that would cause this sort of thing in Equestria?”

“Not really,” Twilight said, furrowing her brow inquisitively, “Why, do you?”

“Well, I’ve got a few theories that I’d rather not list off without some evidence,” I said, showing a helpless smile, “I mean, I just don’t want to worry anyone... Err.. Pony.  Anyp-...”

I was rudely interrupted in the middle of my correction by a sinister laugh and a lot of pony gasping.  We all turned back to the crater as the unpleasant chortling magnified in volume and out of the it’s epicenter, the normal-seeming smoke began to turn dark violet and swirl about.  It coalesced into a somewhat pony-shaped cloud of what came off to me as pure evil.  Not exactly easy to literate upon, but there you have it.  Evil Feeling Smoke Pony.

“Returned, have you, human!?” the voice boomed, somehow causing the sky to darken as storm clouds surged forth and blocked out the midday sun.  It was a deep feminine voice filled with malice and self importance.  Typical villain voice, really.

The crowd began to back off slowly at first before sprinting away like a stampede.  Applejack and Rainbow Dash weren’t at all intimidated by the display of power but Twilight did seem a bit apprehensive, intelligent enough to stay cautious.  Pinkie simply tuned her head upside down with one hell of a confused expression.  She later informed me she was trying to look at the cloud a different way to see what else it looked like.  Made sense.  Clouds.  Shapes.  Yeeeaaah...

I, however, wasn’t too bothered by this because I was in Equestria and the only dead thing I saw in Equestria was a couple of fish that Fluttershy had once served some ferrets (she’s quite the killer!).  I hadn’t seen anyone(pony) get seriously injured in my days as a brony or even somewhat injured.  Hence, while I wasn’t going to fling myself in the way of danger, I wasn’t exactly shaking in my hooves.

“Um.  Yeah, I guess.  I was just here a few hours ago, so technically, yeah.  I’m back,” I replied, arching an eyebrow as I tried to resist the urge to smirk.  I’m such a smartass.

“You think to mock me!?” it shrieked dramatically.  Lafter wanted me to laugh at the absurdity of such a question but Stoic was there, reminding me that I didn’t want to piss off supernatural forces without knowing the extent of their capabilities.  Yet.

“Not really, I just don’t get what’s going on here,” I answered truthfully, performing the classic pony shrug, which takes a lot of effort, actually, “Are we being invaded?”

“SILENCE~!” it bellowed loud enough that even I was somewhat startled.

The skies began to ominously thunder as the Evil Cloud Pony floated towards us menacingly.  Now, I’m not one for violence, but this situation was screaming that evil villainous heinous awful deeds were about to take place.  And that was no bueno what with being surrounded by most of my favorite equines.

“That’s far enough, Smokey,” I warned, doing that pony snort that ponies do which caused a bit of fire to flare from my nostrils.  Had I been any less serious about the situation, I might have freaked out at how cool that really is (it’s very cool), but I didn’t.  I held my polka face and began to glare at the cloud.

“Do not presume to threaten me, beast!” it shrieked before suddenly charging us, becoming formless as it did so.

Not one to wait for the first punch to be thrown, I simply breathed fire at it!  I’m fairly certain that didn’t do a damn thing because it wasn’t until a huge shaft of light pierced through the clouded skies that the Formless Wonder actually stopped.  Inside of the light beam, what looked like a big white comet began to plummet down toward us all, causing the beam of illumination to shine even more brightly.

“No!” the Sinister Weather Anomaly snarled as the light began to push the storm clouds away in all directions.  It was actually one of the coolest things I had ever seen at the time, really.  Special Effects budget had obviously been multiplied to accommodate.

“You!” it snapped, causing me to think it was talking to me.  It was kinda formless, I really couldn’t tell what it was looking at.

“Me!” I instantly shouted back.  There I was, again with the smartassery.  

Hurr, it’s not all about me, folks.  The Cumulus Menace zipped forth with a sudden burst of acceleration and kinda just passed straight through Rainbow Dash, whom had, to her credit, nearly dodged it altogether.  It did catch her by her hind legs and tail, though, and began to drag her away.  

“It’s got me!” she exclaimed.  Not to say I’m a cynical jerk, but the first thing to go through my mind was ‘NO, REALLY?’

To avoid the breakdown that losing Rainbow Dash would have caused me, I immediately pounced on her and held on tight with all four legs.  Surprise surprise, it started dragging me away, too.  I obviously didn’t think this through.  Then I felt Applejack grab my tail in her mouth and I looked back to see her dig her hooves in to prevent further abduction while Twilight cast a spell!  I don’t know where she found one that seemed to be pushing Monster Mist away or if she just made it up on the spot, but all that did was reinforce that Twilight was OP in my opinion.

That’s when it had enough and simply grabbed us ALL before taking off, though not nearly as quickly as it was going before.  Even poor Pinkie, who was still turning her head in different ways at the damn thing (I don’t know, I guess it was just the square peg to her round hole?), got hauled away as well.

“Weee~!” she screamed gaily as it soared off with us.  I wanted to remind her that this wasn’t cool and that she should serious up, but then I felt stupid for even thinking of saying that to Pinkie.  I mean, I didn’t even say it and I felt that I was justified thinking that I was a moron.  

Now, that comet was quickly approaching from the sky still, and that seemed to seriously perturb the Great Smokey Abductor.  Unfortunately for it, Purple Cloud Fiend didn’t seem to be able to move so fast carrying five ponies with it.  I can relate, I can’t even move carrying one pony as a human.  Regardless, it tossed Pinkie and Twilight away first before trying to shake me and Applejack off of Rainbow Dash.  I don’t know why it wanted the multi-chromatic pony, but one thing was for certain:  Corrupted Cloud Creep could go get it’s own damn idol and leave mine the hell alone!  I clung to her as hard as I could before I felt a force trying to pry me off but I just wasn’t having any of that.

I heard Applejack say something, her voice muffled by my tail that she was still firmly clamped on to.  Turns out pony tails are very strong and it really doesn’t hurt much to have them pulled on, but I will say having a yanking sensation come from just above your butt still is the MOST AWKWARD! FEELING! EVER!  I rate it right up there past being naked in front of a crowd and getting your bronyism exposed to your long-awaited love-interest way before you’re ready to tell her.  And for the ladies, let me tell you, that last one is hard to handle.  I still get the occasional nightmare.

“What?!” I called out to Applejack, not thinking of the consequences my actions would lead to.

“Ah said, ‘don’t ya dare let go’ah her!’” she instantly responded before getting tossed away as well, her mouth no longer securing herself to my tail.  Yeah, even in the midst of everything going on, a certain half of me almost forgot about the seriousness of the situation on our hands/hooves.  I was that close to laughing my plot off at poor AJ.

“Get... Off...” Rainbow Dash whispered softly, distracting me from my amusement.

My confusion was instantly replaced by anger as I had deduced that the Fog ‘O’ Doom was trying to possess the Fastest Pony in all of Equestria in an attempt to escape that ever nearing comet-like thing (which was starting to get really close, I might add).  I agreed that it was the best logical avenue it had, but that didn’t mean I was about to just give Dashy up without a struggle.

“No!” I yelled, honestly scared now.  I didn’t know what to do, I simply held on as hard as I could, fighting the force trying to pry me off.  Eventually, it got smart and decided to try and possess me instead.  Today was apparently my day for entirely new sensations, because I can honestly say that I nor likely any other human had ever felt anything like it before.  Slowly losing contact with my senses was actually frightening but at the same time, the most soothing experience one could imagine.  It was like going to sleep, only more horrifying (cause sleep is such a bracing event) and even traumatizing.  That’s when I learned about Fire Unicorn Trick #3.  Let’s review, shall we?

Fire Unicorn Trick #1: Light cigarette.  Way more handy and cool than it should be.

Fire Unicorn Trick #2: Breath of Fire.  Can be replicated with a lit match and Bacardi 151.

Fire Unicorn Trick #3: Violently repulse attempts at Evil Cloud Possession on my Person/Pony with the power of fire (I don’t get it either)!  Quite possibly the most unbelievably obscure spell one could have, yet if I had to choose only one right now, this would be it.  Hooves down, yo.

Now I’ve never been rapidly flying through the air only to lose all inertia and momentum in an instant and fall four feet to the ground before, so I can’t describe the sensation other than it was way more nauseating than being seasick ever made me.  How Rainbow Dash was able to blast off and brake at such speeds, I’ve yet to determine, but it didn’t seem to bother her at all.

“Curse you, Human, CURSE YOU!” Mist Of Malice screamed in that disembodied voice before flying off, somehow on fire.  Picture that, if you will; a burning purple cloud.  Physics.  How do they work?

“Woah,” Rainbow Dash said with a groan as we got to our feet, “That was wild.”

“Yeah,” I agreed with a wince, sporting a brand new bruise on my flank.  Equestrian gravity.  Ye be a cruel female dog, “That did it for me, too.”

I decided a Mareboro was in order.  I had earned it, after all, if you took the time to ask my opinion.  As I pulled it out, however, I was suddenly blinded.  Knew this would happen one day, I thought to myself.  No, I’m kidding, my first reaction was actually a helpless cry of shock.  Turns out that comet thingy was her majesty herself, Princess Celestia moving at super speed and she was shining like... Well... The sun.  Specifically right in my face at that particular moment.  I heard Rainbow Dash cry out as well, so I can only assume we got to share the opportunity to bask in her majesty's eye-searing radiance together.  Rainbow Dash, for once, did not make something 20% cooler by being there.  If I had paused to reflect upon that fact, I’m sure it would have blown me away.

“Ow,” I replied evenly, still aware enough to take a drag off my Mareboro as I narrowed my eyes until they were practically shut.  If staring into the abyss was half this intense, I could see why most people would go mad.  I, however, just didn’t feel like it applied to me.  My day was already chock full of craziness and it just kept going up in intensity.  I also reminded myself I might already be insane and that seemed to satiate the urge to freak.

“You’re not one of My Little Ponies.  I’ve never seen a pony like you before, in fact,” she said softly, her regal voice slightly on edge.  I did just save Rainbow Dash, so maybe she wouldn’t smite me out of suspicion.  That would have sucked if she did.  Indeed, it would have ruined my entire day, which, despite everything that had just happened, was still the coolest day in my life by a long shot.

“Well, not to be disrespectful, Princess” I said, still cringing from the light, “But your high beams are about to make certain that I never see a pony like me, too.  Or anything else for that matter.”

“No kidding!” Rainbow Dash agreed, covering her eyes with her hooves.

After a moment, Celestia smirked and toned it down a few thousand lumen.  After blinking several times to clear things up a bit, I smiled up at my second favorite Pony.  Yes, that’s right.  I heart Celestia.  Celestia’s Solar Empire all day long.  Resistance to Celestia is resistance to ponydom and I will never fight the pony power.  I felt that bubbling sensation of awesome fangirlism start to surge up again, but it lost steam halfway in.  Adrenaline was still kinda pumping, after all.

“Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie cried as she sped up to us all, somehow beating Applejack who had quite a head start last I checked, “No-Name!  Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dash replied with a shrug as I took another drag, stepping away from every pony to avoid blowing smoke on them.  Courteous as always.

“‘No-Name’?” Celestia asked, smiling at me with that one eye thing she does with her hair, “Quite an odd name.  Not from here, are you?”

“What gave me away?” I asked with an innocent smile that squeaked like Fluttershy’s did just before the Quiet Game.  After an immediate double take, I tried to do it again and failed to replicate the sound.  That was going to drive me nuts for a long time.  I’ll tell you now, despite hours of wasted time trying to pinpoint that stupid soundbit’s trigger, I never figured it out.  Saying it was frustrating was an understatement of immeasurable proportions.  To this day, I hate that damn squeak with the heat of a thousand Celestias because of that.

Twilight and Applejack finally caught up to us, Twilight barely able to breathe she was so exhausted next to the barely winded farmer pony.  To be honest, I really couldn’t blame her as I was a smoker and that put me about two places under bookworms/nerds in terms of respiratory stamina.  If you’re wondering, asthmatics are the ones in the middle.

“Princess! *Wheeze~!*  Thank!  *Inhale~!*  Goodness you’re! *Gasp~!*  Here!”  Twilight barked in between breaths.  Just how far we went, I couldn’t tell you, but it must have been a few lightyears from the way she was carrying on.

“Easy there, sugarcube,” Applejack said with a nervous chuckle, “Ah... Er... Thank ya, yer highness.”

“For what, my dear?” Celestia asked with a smirk, tossing me a glance to let me know she knew exactly ‘what’ she was being thanked for.  Not sure why she didn’t just come out with it.  I guess when you get up there in millennia, you kinda take whatever amusement you can get no matter what, which is a philosophy I can get behind if you ask me.  I’d harmlessly troll ponies in my spare time, too!

“Oh.  Fer savin’ Dash and No-Name back there, o’course!” Applejack was oblivious, which was kinda cute in a way.  I was just doing my damndest to resist the urge to point out her mouth malfunction back there.

“That was your fiery little friend here.  ‘No-Name,’ as you called him?” Celestia clarified, giving her wings a shrug.  Seemed the pegasii had an advantage in shrugging.  An unfair one, if you asked me.

“Yeah, well, it wouldn’t have tried to run away if you hadn’t shown up,” I said, kicking at a rock in modesty.  Yeah, I’m not good with well-deserved credit.  Undeserved credit I can soak up all day, however.

“What was... *gulp~*  That thing anyway?” Twilight asked, starting to finally catch her breath.

“That was the Nightmare,” Celestia answered.  I almost expected thunder to crash to help emphasize the revelation, but alas, I was disappointed, “The same one that had corrupted Princess Luna.”

I facehoofed. I knew the voice, I’d seen the pilot, and still, I did not recognize the damn thing when it was in my face, carrying me around all over blue hell.  I let my head and ears droop a bit with the realization that I was a terrible brony.

“Let’s get back to Ponyville,” Celestia suggested.  I expected her to just magic us there but guess what:  Celestia ain’t nopony’s taxi service.  So we had to walk our sorry flanks all the way back.  Except Rainbow Dash, who all but laughed at us the whole way there.  Gratitude at it’s finest.

When we finally arrived at the library, most of us took the opportunity to find places to lay down.  Poor Twilight looked as though she wasn’t going to make it and even Applejack was starting to look a little rundown.  I was fine, surprisingly enough, and so was Dashy and Pinke, which wasn’t surprising at all.  Celestia remained on her hooves, staying somewhat alert in case a certain purple haze decided to return, I assumed.  After having thought about it somewhat, I noticed that Celestia always seemed to be poised to move, no matter what (her diligence was impressive, actually).  I didn’t bring attention to it and decided to break the silence myself as we all made our various colored plots comfortable.

“So, the Nightmare, eh?” I asked, rubbing the back of my neck with my hoof, “I thought Nightmare Moon was just Princess Luna in a bad mood?”

“Hardly,” Celestia said with a smirk as she fondly reminisced, “Luna in a bad mood consists of adorable sulking, four socks, and her favorite comfort foods being brought to her room.  No, the Nightmare is an essence that magnifies negative emotions, indirectly controlling anypony through manipulation and suggestion  What made you think Princess Luna was such a monster, oh nameless one?”

Being on the spot was awkward.  After mentally sorting through a plethora of responses, I settled on a safe one:  A brief shrug.  They accepted that, luckily enough.

“It was after Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said with a snarl, not appreciating her friends being endangered, to which I can completely relate to.

“Yeah,” I agreed, “I think it wanted to use her to escape from you, Princess.  Dash is pretty quick, after all.”

“Indeed.  Had I not been worried about the two of you, I would have continued the chase, but my concern is for the ponies of Equestria,” Celestia declared with a hint of steeled determination.  That’s the kind of Celestia that everyone needs to see.  That Trollestia nonsense would vanish in an instant if everyone met this Alicorn.  I admit, I would miss it if it did, though.

“All I know is that it sure didn’t like No-Name!” Pinkie said with a laugh, rolling over on her bench with a Cheshire grin,  “It was all angry-furiouspants at him and he didn’t even do anything but breathe his fire stick!”

“Seriously,” I agreed with an amused nod, skipping the urge to wonder at just how Pinkie knew what pants were, “That thing was getting all sorts of bent out of shape over me.  It went on like we had already met, even.”

“Wait.  It knew he was a human!” Twilight gasped, pointing at me.  Everyone that wasn’t me looked confused and proceeded to gawk at me (such a popular trend this was) as though it were all my fault.  I was shaken out of my somewhat deep thought process, having realized that Twilight was right.  I had entirely forgotten that it had pointed me out as a human.  To be fair, I’m not unused to being thought of as a human today and I certainly wasn’t then either.

“A what?  Is that like a platypus?” Pinkie asked with an unreasonably huge smile, utterly breaking my train of thought with her locomotive of chaos.

“What’s a human?” Rainbow Dash voiced the more obvious question, her eyes looking me over for any great differences between myself and other ponies.

I found myself wishing for a cigarette (addicted remember?) before just sighing impatiently, “I’m a human.”

“No, you’re a unicorn, silly!” Pinkie Pie said with a laugh, bouncing over to me spontaneously and honking my nose.  It was like she was purposefully trying to stop me from thinking.  Pinkie Pie, destroyer of all things sensible.

Celestia approached me and I looked up at her with a blank stare as Pinkie stepped aside.  She then began to let off a shimmering green shine all over before looking down past me.  I didn’t understand at first, but upon looking following her gaze, I realized that the shadow being cast by me wasn’t the correct one.  Curiously, I got up off the bench and gazed at Twilight’s extraordinarily clean floor, spotting not a unicorn’s shadow, but my own.  My human shadow.  I checked my ashen hooves to make sure I was still a unicorn and that nothing had changed (which I’m somewhat ashamed to admit I was relieved nothing had).  Twilight, being the observant gal she is, noticed right away and pointed out the mismatching shadow to the others, causing a myriad of shock-related reactions among them.

“That’s slightly bizarre,” I admitted, silently wondering just how scary that looked to all of them.

“So, No-Name,” Celestia said, suddenly not so soft and cheerful, “What’s a human?”

I looked back to see the Princess and the other ponies all staring at me like I was from outer space.

I ran a hoof down my face in frustration.  Really though, I should have been getting used to that.

Chapter One!                                                                        Chapter Three!        

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Three:  Return of the Chapter

Author’s Note:  Props to Ice Storm for images per chapter! :D  THIS PHONE IS LYING TO ME!

Author’s Note:  If you notice, while the writing style is mostly the same, there are perspective differences in each chapter.  This is intentional, mostly to see what reactions are invoked from readers and what gives me the most to work with without taking away from the story.

Also, thank you for the overwhelmingly large response on proofreaders and artists.  I didn’t respond to everyone (there were quite a few) so if you didn’t get an email from me, please don’t take it the wrong way, I simply took what I needed and no more. :)

“I don’t suppose this can wait?” I asked hopefully.  That was the incorrect answer, if you could believe that.

And it all went downhill from there.  I kid you not, my anxiety was hitting levels that my dad and his belt couldn’t have brought out of a younger me in a million years.  Regardless, remember those two plus hours I spent with Twilight Sparkle talking about humans and stuff?  Yeah, it was like that, only I was looking at the business end of Celestia’s horn the entire time.  She was careful at least, avoiding the rough stuff as I had done earlier.  I don’t think she knew what to think of everything I said about technology, but she reasoned out that there had to be a structure that we built our lives around and technology was a pretty solid foundation to work off of.  I was able to keep the subjects relatively tame for a very long time.  Much longer than I thought I could, to be honest, thanks to her mercy but alas... Such a luxury did not last.

It was then she pulled off the soft-knit socks (they don’t have gloves, don’t forget) and decided to slice into some of the juicier details.  I can’t remember exactly how we got to the subject itself, but I believe it was something about order and stability enforced by men and women with badges and uniforms, which led to lawbreakers, which led to jails, which piqued her interest a lot more than I would have expected.  Sweet Celestia, please have mercy, on me.  No, really.  I’m begging here.

“So this jail you speak of... It’s where one is put when they do not obey the law of your land, correct?” Celestia started, watching the ‘Aw-Shit’ look wash over my face like a bucket of cold water, “But not just any crime.  More serious ones.”

I gulped.  You’ve no idea how much I needed a cigarette all of a sudden.  I had just HAD one, too!  I glanced at the other ponies.  I guess my less-than-cool composure did not reassure anything about me to them because they certainly weren’t jumping in to save me!  In all fairness, I would have been curious as hell, too.  Problem was, I was convinced she was going to ask me the details on how to get sent to jail.  You know.  Murder.  Theft.  Extortion.  A few examples among many many others, none any nicer.  And she was going to ask me in front of all the innocent ponies!  That, Daisy, is something to grab your face and scream about.

I could see it already.  Rainbow Dash becomes a pimp and starts the red light district on the south side of Ponyville.  Twilight becomes the kingpin and organizes ponies into structured crime, employing Pinkie Pie as her chief drug dealer and a scary one at that.  Rarity loses her shop to Twilight when she can’t pay protection costs, so she becomes a strip dancer at Applejack’s new bar and Fluttershy, devastated by everypony’s fall from grace, would become a regular patron and alcoholic.  I’m not sure what it says about me that I was able to think all that up in mere moments, but I’m rather certain it doesn’t say anything good.

“Now, keep in mind my nameless little pony,” she murmured, her eyes cutting right into mine.  It was like Pinkie Pie all over again, only I was pretty sure it was going to be much worse if I gave the wrong answer, “If you lie to me, I will know it.”

Let me sum up my oh so profound musings at the moment:  Fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuu...

“Have you ever done anything to be placed in one of these jails?” she asked, her entire body tensing for the possibility of action.

And I nearly fainted with relief.  I inhaled deeply as the tingling sensation of safety suddenly fluttered about all over me.  You put that in a cigarette, and you’ll be a millionaire in no time.

“No, Princess,” I said with a grateful smile, “The few laws I broke were either accidental or extremely minor misdeeds called misdemeanors.  I’ve never hurt anyone or anything without just cause and I certainly don’t want to see anypony here harmed.  You’ve no idea just how much it would hurt me to see that happen.”

Celestia stared at me through that one revealed eye of hers for several seconds.  Just as I started to have another internal panic attack, though, she smiled quite warmly, sending me back into relief euphoria.

“I’m glad to hear it,” she said with a smile, “Now, about your name...”

“HOORAY! IT’S TIME TO NAME NO-NAME!” Pinkie Pie launched herself at least eight feet in the air.  Apparently, she was waiting for this part with abated breath.  Not sure why.  Was it really that important?

Applejack suddenly blushed, looking quite embarrassed, “Ya’ll mean No-Name ain’t his real name?  An’ here I thought he just had a coupl’a weird folks!”

You’ve no idea, AJ.  You just don’t.  My parents have... … No.  I’m not going to start that rant.  We’ll be here all day and even if you’re not on a time budget, I’ve got things to do.

Spike interrupted it all by bringing out a new load of Lo Mien, passing out a bowl to each of us.  Now let me be the first to clear the air.  Spike’s done some dumb things in his life, which we can all say is true about each of us.  Stupid, however, is not a trait you can attach to him.  He saw me cook this stuff once.  And I didn’t stop to explain anything to him, he just watched as best he could.  On his own, he recreated the recipe and the quality made mine look like Burger King sitting next to a four-star formal attire dine-in.

“Spike, this is new!” Celestia exclaimed, giving the food an odd look, as did everypony else until they noticed me and Twilight tear into it like a couple of ravenous barbarians, “W... What is it?”

“Lo Mien,” he said with a shrug.  Spike is rather dry when he’s in his work mode, I noticed, “The nameless wonder there showed me how to make it.  Alien or not, he’s given me that.”

“It looks like worms!” Applejack declared with a queasy look upon her face, “Ah mean, Ah know they ain’t but... Ugh.”

“Oh, so they’re NOT worms!” Pinkie was suddenly overcome with relief and immediately shoved her face into her own bowl.  That was the last I saw of her serving, because her head didn’t come out until it was gone.  I mean that dish was clean enough to put back up by the time she was finished with it.

Celestia finally gave it a try and was instantly hooked.  Oh yeah.  Spike’s the man, and I was man by proxy.  That’s what I keep telling everyone.  We made pointless small talk for the next hour or so, my name having been completely forgotten about again (For those of you on the edge of your seats, yes, I did eventually get one.  Chill.).  It was kinda surreal actually, once I began to think about it.  We had faced a pretty intense and potentially life-changing situation back there, but they were either that naive or were just troopers and weren’t letting it get to them.  Honestly, I couldn’t tell, but their comfort levels increased my comfort levels like some card game multiplier so I was pretty okay about the whole thing.  Maybe this kinda stuff happened all the time and Hasbro was just missing all the good stuff, I wondered.

Then I started wondering if this was all being recorded by Hasbro which sent me into an internal paranoia fit.  What if my boss saw me ponying it up in Equestria and fired me for not showing up for work?!  … … Yeah, I was getting way ahead of myself, to be sure.  As was a policy in my life, I decided to let it go and play it by ear.  

Worst case scenario #1:  I go back home and enjoy my relatively simple and generally enjoyable life.  

Worst case scenario #2:  I’m stuck in Ponyville. (I mean... THE HORROR, right?)

“I’m breaking for a smoke,” I announced as I took to Twilight’s balcony, letting them all chat it up as I got some fresh air.  When I stepped out, I was met with a night sky and a flankload of confusion.  I pulled out my smart phone to check the time.  

8:32 pm

Now, I don’t want anyone to believe I’m crazy and think I argue with inanimate objects all the time but my first reaction was ‘NO, IT’S NOT!’  I hadn’t even been here for eight, much less nearly fourteen hours!  And my battery was full!  And I had five bars of Internet signal!  Why I had Internet, I’ll never know.  Equestria was blowing my mind on levels that I didn’t think were even remotely shakable.  Eventually, I ended up blaming Pinkie Pie for it and moved on.

I shook my head in disbelief, put away the phone, and snagged a cigarette before pausing, a thought having occured to me.  I pulled the box out and was struck with absolute JOY when I opened it up to see it was still full sans one cigarette.  I think I heard a chorus of angelic pegasii.  Magical cartoon world had advantages, everyone.  Big ones.  Never ending box of smokes. That’s huge, for all you non smokers.  You just don’t know.  You just don’t.  I smiled as the cigarette lit itself and leaned onto the railing a bit, relaxing for the first time in the entire day.  Confound these ponies!  They drive me to exhaustion!

“How about some company,” I heard Celestia’s voice behind me.  I didn’t bother shutting the door so I had not heard her approach.  It wasn’t like I was wasting AC, right?

“Sure,” I consented, not bothering to look back, “Maybe you can help sort a few things out.”

“I would be happy to try,” she responded softly.

She just came out and stood there by me.  I started to speak, but I found that I just didn’t know where to start.  Thankfully, she understood.  I mean, how often do you find yourself dropped amongst your favorite fantasy idols, dramatically altered in form, and thrust into an adventure all in one the same morning?  If you say more than once in a lifetime, I envy you.  Because all things considered, this was still better than getting a personal shout out in the second season!

“What’s wrong?” her voice was full of concern.  Motherly, even.  Like Mother Teresa, only much more magical.  And cool.  In fact, I’m pretty sure pony makes everything cooler.  And you know exactly just how much cooler, too.

“I’m just trying to think of where I can start,” I admitted, shaking my head with a sigh.  The list of questions wasn’t long but each one was of equal importance.

What was the Nightmare?  

How did it know I was human?  

Why did it think it knew me?  

What brought me here and why?  

Was I endangering the ponies by being here?

Why do I have fire related powers?

Where the hell were Rarity and Fluttershy?  ( Like I said.  Equal importance.)

“You’re troubled,” she stated.  She didn’t ask.  She could tell.  I’d say that was creepy, but I’m fairly certain you learn to pick up on damn near everything after the seventh century or so.  Or not?  Hell, I’m not immortal, I’m just guessing.  How many immortals do you know?  Yeah.  Shut up.

“Eeeyup,” I confirmed, channeling my inner Big Macintosh before taking a long drag off my cigarette and letting it out with a sigh.

“The Nightmare?” she pried just a bit, taking the liberty of blowing the smoke away with a flap of her wings.  Smoker’s code 101:  Go where people aren’t if you’re going to smoke, especially if they ask.  If they follow you as you smoke, they lose all rights to whine about it.  Except Rarity.  Rarity is allowed to whine, as she has made an art of it and it’s a thing of beauty to witness.

“Among other things, but yeah.  That’s one of the bigger ones,” I answered, staring up at the moon with a pony shaped landscape.  I’m fairly certain we need to find a way to get a pony’s head on our moon.  I was pretty jealous of the Equestrian one and the only answer is Lunar terraforming (Or landscaping.  Whichever.  Not picky.) one onto ours.  So whoever might have the influence into getting that underway, I would appreciate it.

“Tell me about it,” she said softly, casting a quick spell to create a breeze that sent my smoke downwind of her.  Clever alicorn is quite clever.

“Well, it’s just... I don’t know where to start, Celestia,” I huffed as the soft wind picked up my mane and gently let it list to and fro.  Wind in my hair was always a great feeling for me and this helped me to become strangely at ease with confiding in the royal pony, “I mean, I don’t come from a world like this one.  I come from, what I feel I can reasonably call, a balanced world.  There’s a lot of good, a lot of evil, and a lot of stuff in the grey area.  But not here.  It’s all clear cut here.  It’s so surreal, it goes entirely against everything I know.  Not to mention the very science of everything!  I’ve been here less than twelve hours and it’s gone from dawn to late in the evening.  So after the entire day, I’m still not certain that I’m not having just a crazy dream.  Don’t pinch me, by the way.”

“It’s not to your liking,” she deduced from my attitude.

“No,” I shook my head, taking a quick puff before continuing, “I love it.  It’s amazing.  I feel like Fluttershy when she first met the forest critters.  It’s blown my mind.  I mean, I didn’t have a terrible life back home, but being here is just cool.  Do you know how many people would commit atrocities just to be in my place right now?  Well, probably not many actually, but they’d go as far as their consciences would let them, no doubt!  Hell, I’d fight for this opportunity!”

“But... Why?” she was genuinely confused.  I don’t think I was reassuring her at all.  Hey, she asked (No, she didn’t.).  I was just being honest, right?

“It’s... hard to explain,” I said with a sigh, “I could try and elaborate for hours and it still wouldn’t make any sense, most likely.  Suffice it to say, Equestria may not know of Earth but that’s not the case, the other way around.  And a lot of humans ADORE the ponies of this world.  But also, a lot of humans don’t.”

“Your race must be very exploratory to have breached such a gap between our worlds on such an account,” she mused mirthfully, smiling at me like a mother would at someone else’s cute child.  That was a welcome change, actually.  Tired of ponies looking at me like I had a third, independently-roaming eye.

“I’m pretty sure my being here had nothing to do with humanity,” I confessed with a laugh.  That was the last thing Equestria needed.  Not saying humans were evil, but I don’t think a non-brony could have brought anything to the table for Ponyville, “I’m pretty certain it was something here, Princess.  I just don’t know what.”

“Would you like to ask any questions?” Celestia offered politely, tilting her head with a smirk.

I had to stop myself from asking if there were there any pony-physics professors accepting students, but figured it would only kill my already suffering mind.  After a moment of reflection, I nodded at one that I felt needed to be addressed.

“Sure, what do you know about the Nightmare?” I lazily put one leg up on the railing and braced it up to allow me to lay my chin on my hoof as I turned to face her.

“Not much,” she admitted, killing my hopes with a two-word combo.

“Oh,” I said with a bit of a frown, taking another drag off my cigarette since it was already there, “Well, worth a try.”

“But I know someone who does,” she said in a matter of fact tone.  I blinked, not understanding at first.  Just as I asked, she nodded her head out at the sky.  Still not fully caught up, I took her lead and looked back out at the sky before getting a rush of DUH in my face.

The moon.  Princess Luna.  She had spent a thousand years with the Nightmare.  She would know it best, naturally.  I mean, I don’t know about you, but I’ve not even known my sister for twenty years and I can read her like an open book. And that’s including us not even sharing the same body (Thank god!).

“Princess Celestia,” I started, biting down on my cigarette somewhat before letting a determined smirk creep along my face, “You are a genius.”

“Oh, I’m sure you would have figured it out on your own,” she replied, shrugging her wings modestly, “Luna should be waking up any moment now, so we can leave as soon as you like.”

I’m a grown man, but I’m not above puppy-dog-eyes pouting over certain things.  My Little Pony is one of those things.  Pride doth not cometh beforeth the pony.  So pout I did, which had a remarkably shocking effect on Celestia.  Note to self:  Celestia does not like to see unhappy ponies, even if they’re humans deep down.

“I’ll be able to come back to Ponyville, right?” I asked, fearful I might be stuck in Canterlot for a while.  I didn’t have a mirror, but I’m pretty sure my eyes were as big as saucer plates.  Any more moisture and the tears would have been rolling, no doubt.

“Of course!” she reassured me with a laugh, which sent me back into relief land, where naught but the most comforting feelings roam.

“Then let’s motor!” I declared, flicking my cigarette with a grin.  I paused.  I looked back over the balcony, looked back at my hand hoof (that is so hard to remember not to do), and resisted the need to bite something for letting reality mess with my brain yet again.  How I flicked that cigarette without fingers, I’m not sure, but it was definitely a flick.  I caught sight of it spinning off into the distance just before it hit the ground.  I was forming the suspicion that Equestria as a whole was just screwing with me by that point.

“Motor?” Celestia asked, arcing her unhidden eyebrow.  Right.  Ponies don’t have cars.  Except for that one Applejack toy with the Twilight cardboard cutout in the back (that still blows my mind when I think about it.  I mean, what the hell does one need a Twilight Sparkle cardboard cutout for, anyway?).  I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count, though.

“Never mind,” I waved her off, replacing it with something more appropriate, “Let’s make tracks.”

I hopped back down to the ground floor, genuinely excited to get some light shed onto my situation.  I’m pretty sure Sun Tzu didn’t mention anything about ponies in his Art of War, but he did say that knowing one’s enemy and knowing one’s self would pretty much assure victory for Equestria.  I may have taken a few liberties, there.  Either way, I wanted to be as ready as possible for that stupid cloud and this would help me get there.

“Hey guys, I’m going to Canterlot tonight, but I’ll be back!” I exclaimed as I rushed back out to the center room of the Library.

“Shhhh~!!!”

Everypony looked back at me with a shush from their respective benches.  Almost everypony, that was.  Rainbow Dash waved at me from her perch on one of Twilight’s empty shelves before lazily pointing at Applejack, who was already out like a light.  She was greedily taking up an entire bench, lounging on it upside down.  She was snoozing peacefully with one of her legs occasionally kicking at what I can assume was a non-existent apple tree.  You know, like a dog does sometimes?  Only dogs wish they were that cute.  Because they aren’t.  Not even close.  Even recalling this causes me to seize up with just how adorable that was (HHHNNNNNGG!).  After resisting the cardiac arrest of cute and the diabetic shock of sweet, I toned it down a tad, wiping the sweat off my brow.  You may think I’m exaggerating, but I nearly died then and not a single pony would have understood.

“So, Canterlot,” I repeated, keeping it down with a smile.

“What for?” Twilight asked as Pinkie Pie decided to get up and slowly sneak over to Applejack.

“We’re going to talk to Princess Luna about the Nightmare,” I informed her as Celestia caught up, “We figure she’ll know a few things.”

“Not a bad idea,” Twilight said with a nod, her face turning to one of horror as she caught Pinkie Pie out the corner of her eye, “Pinkamena Diane Pie!”

I looked over to see Pinkie Pie holding a paint brush in one hoof, a painting palette in the other, a beret on her head, and a thick curled faux-moustache on her snout.  She looked back at us with a happy grin, jerking her tail back and forth in anticipation.  I wouldn’t have stopped her but that was just me.  I was too curious to see what she was going to paint onto AJ’s poor sleeping form.  Twilight, however, was the mom of the group and took control with an iron hoof!  Pinkie shenanigans would not be tolerated!

“You put that down and let AJ sleep!” she commanded through her teeth, to which Pinkie’s ears drooped unrealistically low.

“I’d offer for you to come with, Twilight, but uh,” I nodded at Pinkie with a smirk, “Somepony obviously can’t be left alone without supervision.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she replied with a shrug (to clear the air, it takes a certain kind of head movement to convey a shrug without hefting one’s hooves off the ground.  As weird as this might sound, that likely sated the curiosity of many a brony!), “I’m happy to stay here.”

“You go on if you want, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said as she floated down off one of Twilight’s shelves, smirking softly, “Me and Spike can keep the Pink Menace under control.”

I snorted at the incredulity of that remark.  Fat chance, Dashy.  I glanced over to see Pinkie yawn loudly before smiling over at us like a maniac.  I think she was trying to act innocent.  I also think she failed to sell it!

“You don’t think I can?” Rainbow Dash gave me a challenging smirk.

“One day, maybe,” I replied with a soft raspberry, (Hee!  I raspberry’d Rainbow Dash!) “When you can manage to actually outrun her.”

She didn’t think that was very funny.  I did.  That’s what mattered, deep down.

“No, really, I’m fine,” Twilight insisted, interrupting the upcoming argument, “I actually want to stay and study that crater to learn anything I can from it.”

“We shouldn’t be long,” Celestia pointed out, “A day or so.  Perhaps not even that.”

“What about No-Name’s name!?” Pinkie suddenly remembered, not pleased with the idea that it would be put on hold, “We were going to make a game out of it!”

“Tough Kitty Toenails, Pinkie.  We’ll hash it out next time.  Promise,” I swore with an encouraging smile.

“But... But...” she protested softly out of consideration to Applejack before rearing up on her back legs to flail her hooves about, emphasizing her frustration.  I had to look away.  Ponies were packing excessive amounts of adorable into a single quarter hour and I’m not sure how much more I could have handled, but I got the impression it was smaller than a bread box.

“Don’t worry about it, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash reassured her with a wink, “The Princess won’t name him.  We’ll be fine.”

“Okey Dokey Lokey,” she responded, particularly deflated at the moment.  I chuckled and gave her a hug, which seemed to help improve her mood considerably.  I’m not going to bother explaining how pony hugs work.  It wasn’t like that spinning trick Pinkie and Twi did in that one episode, and it’ll just sound awkward if I try to explain it.  Just accept the fact that it was a hug and move on.

“I take it you’re leaving right away, Princess?” Twilight asked Celestia as I disengaged from Hug Pony Maneuver #2.

“As soon as he’s ready,” she confirmed with a nod, “Do you want to give me your friendship report before you leave?”

I’m not sure where I found a quill, ink, and paper so quickly, but I did.  I kinda blocked out everything but the event that was about to take place.  I set them down by Twilight.

“Please, write it out,” I was in PERFECT control of my voice, if you could believe that.  It wasn’t even remotely easy, but I managed it, “I’d like to keep a copy.”

You could have run a nuclear power generator’s current through me and it wouldn’t have excited me even half as much.  I think I began to hyperventilate a tad once she picked up the quill with a smile because for the umpteenth time, everypony started to stare at me like I was crazy.  And I was.  Crazy with joy.  It kinda left me numb all over as I focused every single sense of mine on Twilight and that damn quill.

“And... And read it aloud,” I think my voice was a whisper.

Twilight’s expression told me she was doubting my mental health.  That didn’t matter to me at the time, just as long as she began to write and enunciate that friendship report.

No, I’m not going to write it out for you.  It’s mine.  If you want one you can go get your own!  THIS FRIENDSHIP REPORT IS SPECIAL!  IT’S MINE YOU D

Due to the interference of a certain annoying pony, I’ve been pressured into giving you that which belongs solely to me.  Your gratitude had best be unending.  I will know if it isn’t.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that there’s always more to a pony than meets the eyes.  Even knowing that, though, one shouldn’t hold their secrets against them.  Suspicious though it may seem, assuming the worst is a quick way to a bad start.  I was treated with the opportunity to meet the strangest pony ever and even though his eerie knowledge, as well as the lack thereof, about many things set me off guard at first, I can honestly say that he’s already left his mark.

If I had done as many ponies had soon after and suspected him of being the cause of a frightening event in our town, I would not have had the chance to let him enrich my life the way he did in only a single day.  Not to mention I might have lost one of my best friends, and thankfully, I don’t have to know what that is like.

All in all, I can safely say that everypony deserves that first chance and likely more than that!  I can also say with complete certainty that, even though we’ve yet to name him, I’ll never forget him.  I can only hope that everypony else is able to benefit from ponies such as him as well.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S.  Please tell him to stop shaking like that, I’m about to bust out laughing at him.

I may or may not have been trembling like a little kid watching his favorite scene in his favorite movie.  We’ll never know for sure, I guess.  I also might have been curled up listening to it like a bedtime story.  Mysteries that will never be solved, no doubt.  I will admit to manly tears, though.  Because that’s exactly what they were.  You couldn’t have refined the manliness out of them because that’s what they were composed of in their entirety!

“No-Name,” I heard Celestia say with a chuckle, “Stop shaking like that, please.”

I just want everyone/pony to know, I did try to stop my hypothetical shaking that we’ll never know really happened or not, but it would seem I had theoretically failed.

“You can have the original if it makes you happy?” Twilight offered, rolling it up with her unicorn magic and floating it my way.  I got those silver sparkling stars around the edge of my vision.  For those of you that don’t know what those are, those are an early warning sign of losing consciousness.

“No-Name really liked your Friendship Report, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie pointed out yet another damned metaphorical elephant in the room.

“A little too much if you ask me,” Rainbow Dash whispered with a laugh.  I had almost forgotten why everypony was being so quiet.  Adorable Applejack.

In all honesty, folks, I was just glad they weren’t asking why I was making such a huge deal out of it.  That would have been difficult to explain.  Like, why-are-you-in-my-backyard-watching-me-change-clothes difficult.  I gently reached out and took it with my mouth before stashing it away in the nothing.  I immediately pulled it back out to make sure I could take it out whenever I wanted.  I swallowed with quite possibly the biggest grin in my life, only to have it challenged when the goodbyes see-you-laters came next.

“T-Thank you,” I said, getting back to my hooves, a tad shakily, “Sorry, that was just awesome.  I need a cigarette.”

“On our way,” Celestia offered as I smiled up at her, “Say farewell to No-Name, everypony.  And think of a name while we’re gone, if you don’t mind.  If we don’t get him one soon, we’re going to get stuck thinking of him that way!”

“See ya, No-Name!” Pinkie enthusiastically bonked her head right into mine.  Yeah.  It hurt.  Not her.  Just me.  I saw cartoon stars, which annoyed me, actually.  I didn’t need some frigg’n stars to let me know that my head hurt like it had just been smacked with a waffle iron!

As I recovered, I turned to see Rainbow Dash smiling at me with an upraised hoof and a smirk, “Don’t take too long, No-Name.”

I brohoof’d Dashy (SO AWESOME!).  Yeah.  That was epic.  I’ll spare you the details, I’ll just say that if my smile had gotten any larger, the top of my head would have fallen off.  It earned me a whole new set of crazy stares, but I was finally starting to learn to ignore those.

“Take care, Stranger,” Twilight said with a smirk, “And good luck.  Try and see if you can’t talk Princess Luna into visiting some time.”

I gave a hoof salute with a nod as I turned to Celestia.

“I’ve been trying for quite some time but she’s quite the recluse,” her sigh was actually not something I’m used to hearing from her.  She’s always the smart, optimistic and benevolent ruler that always sees the best in every situation, you know?  Totally made me forget about my cigarette.

“Well, if anyone can shake things up for her, it’s an alien pony with a tendency to lose his mind over anything!” Rainbow Dash said with a laugh, hoofing me in the shoulder hard enough to leave a bruise.  What was it with Equestria and bludgeoning me at every turn?!

“Ow,” I replied, rubbing the spot with a whine, “Quick, Celestia.  Let’s escape before the friendship gets truly dangerous.  It’s already started to directly assault me.”

With that, we said the last of our goodbyes and slipped out .  It would be a lie if I were to say I wasn’t already missing them four steps from the door.  It was kinda painful knowing deep down I might be leaving for my home any point in the future, but at the same time, I wasn’t going to let that spoil my time with the ponies.

Just before I could ask about how I was going to fly to Canterlot, Celestia cast a spell to summon her amazing Sky-Carriage of awesome.  I didn’t even wait for her say so, I just hopped onto it and did a small spin, ready to get this show on the road.  Sky.  Whatever.  She gave me a smile to let me know I was still on the endearing side of ridiculous and not annoying (yet).

As we flew, I found myself thinking about Twilight’s Friendship Report.  She was so trusting of me, having not known me for an entire day even.  What was said in the report was true, but at the same time, I found myself asking just how often did I not give someone that second and first chance.  I know I always felt justified not giving away my trust so easily, but if I had met me instead of Twilight at the Library, the me that arrived would have been having a much rougher time.  

The wind began to pick up my mane as the Sky-Carriage accelerated, which caused me to zone out somewhat and slowly push my concentration off the subject.  I forced my mind to stop wandering randomly and focused on the fact that everypony (Or the ones that mattered anyway) was so trusting of me.  Surely they had more reasons to not be so indulging, did they not?  I decided to inquire, rather than keep silent about it.

“Celestia,” I murmured for her attention, which she readily gave with a yawn.  My guess was she wasn’t used to staying up so late.  Then again, if the days were less than twenty hours like they seemed to be, that made perfect sense.

“Yes?” she replied with a smile, tiredly looking my way.

“Ponies are so giving and kind,” I said, narrowing my eyes, “Everyone I met today was enough to affect my life by themselves.  Having met and been around them all, though... I just don’t see how you could come to trust me so freely.  I mean, I could have been a carnivorous beast that had the magic to disguise itself as a pony!”

“Indeed, you might have been,” Celestia said with a smile, obviously not taking the idea very seriously.

“So why did you trust me?” I asked.

“Because Twilight trusted you,” she answered simply, shrugging her wings.  That just wasn’t fair!  Not even slightly fair!

“Why did Twilight trust me?” I pressed, too curious.

“My little pony, do you think Twilight foolish?” she asked, smirking at me as though I were a child.

“Well... No?” I really didn’t.  I wouldn’t have gone to her if I thought she was, obviously!

“Do you trust her judgement?” she was asking as though she already knew the answer.  And she did.  Fffffpppt~!  Know-it-all.

“I... I guess so?” Yeah, I knew where this was going.

“Does that answer your question?” she said with quite possibly the smuggest grin on her face.  I almost submitted to the urge to call her Trollestia to her face.  No, I’m not that stupid, don’t bother asking if I did.

“Okay, okay, point taken,” I said with a sigh, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it with my grumpiness, “Do you ever get tired of being right?”

“Sometimes I try to think about what it would be like if I was,” she replied, her sarcasm spurring my urge to laugh.

“That must seem so silly,” I said with a chuckle, taking a relaxing pull off my Mareboro.  It was good.  And I hated it for being so good.

“Indeed.  ‘What that must be like!’ I keep thinking to myself,” she said, laughing softly before letting it trail off, “Truthfully, though, my nameless friend, I am wrong quite often.  I simply wait until I know I am right to take action.  It’s very difficult to think with that sort of patience, but I’ve had a long time to get used to it and it has paid off many times.”

“That’s pretty admirable,” I replied with a nod before spotting Canterlot in the distance.  Wow, it really wasn’t that far away at all, I thought to myself before continuing, “It always was quite a sight.”

“You’ve seen it before?”

“I’ll have to sit everypony down one day when I know it’s safe and explain just how I know everything I know,” I answered with a nod, “Until then, just assume that I can read your mind or something.”

“Oh, I already know you can’t,” she said with a slight titter.

“Of course you do,” I don’t even know why I bothered, sometimes!

Chapter Two!                                                                        Chapter Four!                

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Four:  Son of Chapter

Author’s Note: WHY IS THIS TEAPOT SO DELICIOUS?!  ICE STORM IS TO BLAME! ALSO I AM ADORABLE!  New fan art on the Front Page by Wrek!  Check his Deviant Art Page!  johntb.deviantart.com As for the Chapter itself, it was so easy to let this one flow out.  It was like the singin’ of f***in’ angels.  But for reals, this one I think I did awesome on.  Don’t be shy to comment, I read every last one of them. :3

“Built upon the backs of slave ponies!” I exclaimed as we entered the palace.  I am so witty.

“What?  Of course not!” Celestia seemed appalled by the idea, having not caught the joke (or she just did not find it funny in the least), “This was built by the same pegasi that built most of Cloudsdale, not slaves!  Everypony is a free pony in Equestria.”

“Seriously?  The Cloudsdale Pegasi built this?  And the great Rainbow Factory?” I asked, this time keeping the joke to myself.  o/` Where your fears and horrors come true~! o/`

“The very same,” she replied with a smile as we went down into the ballroom, “Please, wait here whilst I go fetch Princess Luna.  Provided she’s not locking herself up in her room again.”

“She do that often, or something?” I was starting to have my doubts about this.  I mean, I knew squat about Luna, deep down.  Fan fic info just doesn’t count, sadly.

“Yes, lately,” Celestia admitted, her eyes (I’m assuming both anyway) were downcast, “When we first escaped from the Nightmare, she was quite lively, but every day she seems just a little less inclined to do anything outside of her usual duties.”

I nodded.  It sounded like your run-of-the-mill residual emotional damage from a horrific event, “Traumatic events can take a while to show their scars.  It’ll fade in time, I’m sure.”

Celestia gave me a slightly doubtful look, “You sound as though you’ve had experience.”

“Hah!” I snorted, “Trust me, Celestia.  You can’t throw a rock where I come from without hitting a traumatic event.  Or causing one at least.  It’s what makes or breaks us.  I wouldn’t be the person... or pony that I am without having faced all the problems I’ve had to deal with.”

“S... Such as what?” she asked hesitantly, as though she wasn’t sure if she wanted to know.

“Well, uhh... Let’s just say that I’ve had to fight for what I have,” I was trying to sugarcoat it while still showing that I had the knowledge to reassure her that time heals such wounds, “Every human does.  It’s a tough world that doesn’t allow for weakness of character.  Not necessarily strength or callousness, but the ability to take the good with the bad.  Sometimes the bad can get really horrible, such as losing something you care about.  But if you’ve got what it takes, and I’m sure Princess Luna does, you learn that these things happen and dwelling on it just brings you down, which doesn’t help anypony.  It just takes time to move on, and that involves a lot of personal time and space.”

I thought the slave-ponies joke bothered her.  I was wrong.  The idea of an entire race tempered by strife and struggle seemed to downright horrify her.  I could have offered her a steak and I’m fairly certain it would have blown her mind somewhat less.  This time it was my turn to stare at her like she was from Mars.  After a moment, she recovered and seemed to do a bit of soul searching before asking one last question.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” she asked.

I figured that was actually pretty important and best not to lie about, considering that she would indeed need to know what to do, should the unthinkable happen.  I mean, Luna controls the moon and night.  Things could get a little funky if she had an emotional breakdown and started screwing with a few things... Like gravitational pull or ocean tides.  Little things like that.

“Well, I know that humans can fall into depression or rage,” I said with a sigh, “They lose hope and fall apart emotionally which can lead to some really bad decisions.  But that’s only if no one is there for them.  Even the most pitiful or hateful person can find solace in the loving care of another.  My advice?  Just... you know.  Be there for her.  And keep her away from drugs.”

“Keep her away from what?” Celestia tilted her head, not understanding in the least.  Why did I even say that, you ask?  I imagine Lafter might have had something to do with it.  

“Nothing!” I blushed all over as I avoided the urge to chuckle.  Me and my big mouth were about to cause problems, I could tell, “Just be a loving big sis, okay?  And don’t try to force anything.  She’ll work it out when she’s ready.”

Celestia sighed but did smile slightly, “I see.  That is something I can do without fail.  You’re wiser than you let on, No-Name.  You must have seen very much in your life to know so much.”

I burst out laughing suddenly, surprising her entirely.  It took me a minute or so gather my composure again before taking a deep breath and smiling up at her, “I’m not even halfway through my third decade, Princess.  I’ve got a lot to learn.  Trust me when I say, I do plenty of foalish things.  Now, where’s your kitchen, I’mma whip something up for us while I wait for you.”

“Down the south hall and on your left, you can’t miss it,” she answered before thinking again, “Oh, but I shouldn’t be very long!”

“Me neither!” I said, turning about and galloping off eagerly.  I wanted to get away for two reasons.  The first being I didn’t want Celestia to press for more, less pleasant details.  The second being I wanted some caffeine in my blood and my best hope was for a kitchen creation.

Now, I don’t want you all to think I drink soda, because I don’t.  I hate soda.  There’s a reason it burns when you drink it no matter the temperature.  BECAUSE IT’S BAD FOR YOU!  Don’t you point at my nothing which holds a full pack of Mareboros!  You leave them out of this!  I drink a real champion’s drink!  COFFEE!

As I turned into the kitchen, I was sad to discover that there was no coffee or even beans for roasting.  That was okay, though.  There were substitutes.  Good ones.  I just didn’t know what they were.  Then I got an idea!  The phone of endless power and Internet!  Pulling it out, I went straight to Google and ran a search.  Black Teas.  Not as strong as coffee, but could be brewed to get very close.  That would do.  I picked one that sounded simple enough and began to search for ingredients.  

After sorting through just about everything you could imagine (Celestia has one hell of a well stocked kitchen), I found what I needed:  Herbs and Spice racks.  Hundreds of them.  Literally enough spices to bury a famous chef if he asked for it in his will.  

Earl Grey Creme consists of a combination of tea leaves, flowers, citrus peelings, mixed with Bergamot oil and vanilla oil.  In the time it took me to find all of that, I should have already been graced by a couple of princesses, but such was not the case.

As I worked on getting everything all whipped together and soaking it into the oils, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched.  I kept looking at the exit into the South Hall only to see nothing there.  It was unnerving.  I’ve never had that feeling before in my life.  I hear about it all the time in books and stuff, but I just thought it was a plot device or something!  Whatever the case, I couldn’t shake the idea that I was being carefully examined.  I worked through it, though, and was able to replicate the tea I desired, carefully following the instructions on my phone.  It was handy like that.

Then brewing!  I know, I’m wasting your time with this menial task, but let me tell you, there must be some tea brewing world championship because they’ve got books on this subject.  When I say books, I don’t mean one or two or even twenty.  I mean if you stacked all these books against the Encyclopedia Britannica, these would weigh more.  I’m not sure why.  Whenever my step-mom made sweet tea, she just threw a bunch of bags in a big measuring cup of water and nuke it in the microwave until it would melt the preposterous amounts of sugar inside.  Or maybe she was just trying to kill us all.  Not sure.

Anyway, I must have spent an hour on this stupid task, I’m not even sure why I was doing it beyond a silly desire for another chemical in my body.  I just wanted to stay busy and active while Celestia went to fetch Luna, I suppose.  So much for not taking very long.  Imagine my shock  when a pony broke the silence with a quiet salutations.

“Hello,” the voice came from literally nowhere.

“JESUS CHRIST!” I shouted and jumped back, not having heard so much as a hoof clop.  I’m not sure how much damage I caused falling back into the cupboard with all that delicate china, but let’s just say if she replaced half of it, some pony with a china-teacup cutie mark was able to retire.

After the wrecking ball (that’s me) extracted himself from the debris, a bit of nervous laughter resounded about the room.  That was when Luna faded into view, looking rather embarrassed.  Invisibility was never something I got used to.  I’m fairly certain it accounts for at least three lost years of my life in heart damage.

“Took quite a fall there,” she pointed out sarcastically.  I knew, from that point on, there wasn’t enough room in this world for two smartasses.

“Yeah, well, I was sorta focused on what I was working on, too,” I said with a sigh, checking myself over for cuts, which I had none of, and bruises, which I had several of.  Also, I feel I should mention my pain tolerance is pretty high these days.

I don’t know why Luna was okay with talking to me, supposedly being this huge recluse.  All I know was that my mind was pretty fast on remaining chill about the whole thing.  It was obvious she didn’t want to be formal, so I decided to not act formal in the least.  Hell, if I coaxed her out of her shell some, maybe two pony’s problems could get solved!  I’m getting stuff done here!

“What were you working on anyway?” she was curiously looking into the teapot that I was just about to warm up, “It smells great!”

I will admit, coffee smelled meh at best.  Earl Grey Creme, however, smelled like pure heaven.  It was a creamy smell with a hint of doughnut or something.  And doughnuts are awesome.

“Well, let’s figure out if it’s worth a buck,” I said, marvelling at my clever use of almost-profanity before picking up the pot with my mouth and looking around for a stove, “Fhers nho sdobe!”

“What?” Luna started looking around, trying to sort out what I was looking for.

I set it back down, “There’s no stove!”

“Oh, I guess not,” she wing-shrugged, “Not in here anyway, this is just the pantry.  The kitchen is the next door down.”

Derp!

“Oh,” I murmured, blushing brightly.

“Why not just use your magic glass to find a spell?” she cantered over to the table with my phone resting on it before poking at it a few times, “It’s really quite fascinating!”

I smiled hesitantly before pulling it away before she could get crazy with it.  I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to risk anypony in the hands of the Interwebs.

“Hey, I wasn’t going to take it!” she exclaimed, seemingly hurt that I didn’t trust her.

“It’s.. It’s not you!  It’s the phone!”  I held it up to her, putting on this dramatically fearful visage, “This thing holds knowledge and secrets!  Terrible ones!  Things that would drive you mad!  Crazy, even!  Just look at me!”

Luna didn’t look impressed, “Whatever.  Here, what’s your talent?  Fire, right?”

“H... How?” Spooooky~!

“Your Cutie Mark is a fiery shield, your tail and mane is colored like fire, and your breath smells of brimstone and char,” Luna was nopony’s foal, apparently.

I held my hoof over my mouth and gave my breath a sniff.  It did seem extra smokey, “Okay, you got me.  Yes, I’ve got a few fire tricks.”

“So, just use your talent to create heat or fire in some other way,” she said with a chuckle before seeing my look of embarrassment and becoming very concerned, “You don’t know how?  You’re how old?”

“I’ve only been a unicorn for one day!” I threw my hooves up in the air before face planting.  Thankfully, that was the last time I ever forgot that ponies cannot keep their faces off the ground without a front hoof holding them up.

She laughed at me.  My pride was stung, for sure.  Ponies don’t laugh AT people!  That’s just mean!

“You’re funny,” she said with a smile before helping me up, “So, I take it that somehow you’re actually new to this.”

“Yeah,” I said, thankful that she was quick to catch on.

“Okay, let’s try something like this.  Hold your hoof up,” she instructed, which I obeyed before watching her place the teapot on top of my hoof, balancing it carefully with her magic.

“Okay,” I nodded, “Teapot on a hoof.  Not magical, but certainly impressive for the kids at home.”

She poked me with her horn for my sarcasm, “You want help or not?”

“Ow!  Equestria hurts so bad!  Yes!  Help!” I cried out, whimpering sadly.

“Now, just imagine what you want, and let your mind wrap around creating that effect in some fashion,” she explained, “Don’t be rigid about it, just think of a way to get it done.  Don’t try to make it happen.  Just expect it to happen.  Don’t let the possibility of failure even enter your mind.”

Now, I’ve an open mind, and this single lesson here pretty much was the one thing I needed to get into the realm of pony magic.  Oh, Luna, even if you were a snarky smartass, you gave me this, and I will forever be grateful.  I did exactly as instructed and imagined my hoof as a stove-top burner.  Sure enough, my hoof started to glow like one and within seconds, that tea was BOILING!

“Bwahaha~!” I chuckled dramatically, my eyes widening with HAPPY, “The power of the sun!  In the palm of my hoof!”

“Yeah yeah, just be careful,” she said with a giggle, “That’s a dangerous talent you got.  Still, if you weren’t smart enough to take care, I suppose you wouldn’t have been given that talent.”

“I’m not as dumb as I act,” I said with a wink, pouring the tea into a pair of cracked tea cups, “Just not as smart as I would like to be.  Anyway, try it.  If it kills you, I know I did a terrible job.”

“Okay.  I read the instructions off your magic glass, so I know you did exactly as you were supposed to,” she stabbed my joke with her logic and it deflated like a sad Pinkie Pie hairdo, “You’re pretty quick to pick things up, actually.  What’s your name?  Wait, no!  Let me guess.”

“I’ll go first!” I said with a laugh as I stirred some sugar into both cups, “Princess Luna!  I’m awesome!  Okay, you have one try to tie the match.”

She rolled her eyes with a smirk, “Obviously, I stand before a professional.”

I started to nudge one of the teacups her way before stopping and focusing on the it, imagining  how it should easily slide her way.  I was more stoked than I probably should have been when it obeyed, but I actually held a modicum of my composure this time.  No passing out.  No squeeing.  No maniacal laughter.  Stoic was pretty adamant that I not scare off the reclusive princess.  He’s not very fun.

“Nice job,” she gave an approving nod, “You’re a quicker learner than I thought.  Anyway... Hmmm... Fireball?”

“Neigh,  I win,” I rebuked her as I sipped my cup of homemade Earl Grey Creme.  It was damn fine.  I could practically feel the energetic caffeine demons jump straight into my bloodstream.  Sorcery at it’s best.

“Ash Hoof?” she tried again, surprised she didn’t get it on the first try.  Alicorns obviously weren’t used to being wrong!  That made me feel trollishly good~!

“Wow, I thought you’d be better at this,” I gave her a superior smirk.

She gave me a determined glare, “Char Dash?”

“That’s a cool one,” I admitted, rolling it about in my head, “But no.  Shall I just ruin the surprise for you?”

“No!” she protested.  I was enjoying this more than was necessary and she knew it.

“Then, step outside with me as you continue trying in vain,” I stuck my tongue out at her as I looked around, “Ummm... Where’s the garden?  Or a balcony?  Or... just a window?”

“You don’t know the palace?  Time for another magic trick, though this one’s pretty tough,” she said, pulling a map out of her nothing.  Hah!  All ponies had one!

“Eff yeah~!” I took the map before turning it over a few times, “Hmmm... Nope!  I can’t read it.  It’s too small.”

It was true.  The map was INCREDIBLY DETAILED.  As in it had the entirety of Canterlot illustrated, down to the rooms in every building.  When you looked at it from a different angle, it actually swivelled like a flying camera.  Magic map!  

“I already memorized it, so I don’t need it, but let’s see if you can cast this spell I learned earlier this month,” she set the map down onto the table, “Now, remember how I said to imagine getting what you need?  Well, this spell actually burns the paper, so your fire affinity might make it to where you can cast this, too!”

“Way?!” I exclaimed with a smile, “Burning paper for fun and profit!  But this map’s kinda valuable, I would think.  It’d be kind of a waste to just burn it.”

“You’re not going to just burn the map, hothead!” she poked me with her horn again.

“Ow!  Stop that!  It causes physical discomfort!” I whined at her.

“That’s the point!” she declared, poking yet again, “Now pay attention, or I’m going to go sharpen it!”

The thought had frightening implications.  I found myself picturing me impaled on her horn with an extremely dramatic dead look on my face.  I still had not seen a mirror!  I had no idea what I looked like.  I remembered hoping I didn’t look silly.  But then again, I was a pony (and not a beautiful spider~!).

“You’re quite a pushy pony!” I said accusingly, this time quick enough to dodge the horn jab, “Stop horsing around and let’s get on with the magic lesson!”

She glared but consented. “Fine.  Here.  Imagine absorbing the paper and everything on it.  Think hard on it.  Take it all in.  And imagine what’s left is destroyed as you take it from the paper.  Go on.”

That sounded difficult, I admit.  It was, too.  I stared at the paper and zoned out for a second, taking a mental picture before imagining that I was soaking it in.  I imagined discarding the paper for the information it held and all of a sudden, the entire thing caught fire and I could suddenly see it all.  All of it.  All at once.  It was a rush.  I fell back on my haunches as I sorted through it.  I suddenly knew Canterlot better than I knew my hometown.  Every alley, every street, every shop, every home, and every room was at my fingertips!  (Sorry, hooftips just sounds too weird!)

“Wow, on your first try!” Luna looked extremely impressed, helping me back up with a wide smile, “No other unicorn has been able to successfully pull this off besides me and Tia!”

“Psssh,” I shrugged modestly, smirking a bit, “I’m nothing.  You should show Twilight.  That pony is packing some serious magic.”

“Who?” she gave me a confused look.

“I’ll introduce you sometime but I get the feeling you’d recognize her if you saw her,” I winked encouragingly, “Anyway, let’s get to some fresh air so I can sully it with my smoke.”

“Y’what?” Her confusion was only getting worse.

“Just follow,” I politely ordered before magicking the tea cups and teapot to follow.  It was so easy now that I understood the general process.

It was uncanny how I suddenly recognized the general layout of the palace, despite having not actually seen but probably only a tenth of it.  I made my way to the garden with Luna in tow, finally pulling my Mareboro out and lighting it.

“What’s that,” she curiously asked as she started to approach before coughing suddenly and stepping back, “What..?!  Ack!  No wonder your breath stinks so terribly!”

“Don’t get so close!”  I hopped back several steps, “Sorry, it’s an addiction.”

“What?  How could you possibly be addicted to THAT!?” she held a hoof over her nose a little too dramatically if you asked me.

“It’s a chemical addiction, actually,” I tried to explain, “See, there’s a compound in the leaves that acts differently depending on how you take it in.”

“I don’t care how it works!” she pointed out, casting the same spell Celestia had to push away the smoke.

“Heh.  Sorry, I just really get in a bad way when I don’t have one of these every so often.  They’re not good for you at all,” I pointed out before smiling at the breeze a tad, “Celestia used that same spell for the same reason.”

Luna arched her eyebrow at me, “You’re acquainted with Tia?  You one of her royal guard?”

“Hardly,” I said with a chuckle, taking a deeper drag, “It’s complicated.”

“Entertainer?” she asked rhetorically, knowing I wasn’t.

“Ha Ha.” I gave her a wry smirk.  That silly pony being all sarcastic.

“Well, you’re pretty off the wall,” she said before sipping her cup some, “I’ve no idea what to make of you.  What is your name?”

“Well, No-Name has worked pretty well, thus far,” I answered with a nod.

“Seriously?” and now she thought I was being the difficult one

“For serial,” I responded.

“What?”

“Nothing!  Man, nobody gets human jokes here!” I cried out in frustration.

Not having anyone to relate to can be frustrating at times.

“Humans?!” Luna suddenly looked very suspicious of me

“Yeah,” I said, giving her a strange look.  (I just want to say, giving ponies strange looks has given me no sense of pleasure or happiness.  I can only assume it does for ponies given how often they tried it on me.)

“How do you know about humans?” she asked, peering at me with askance.

“How do you know about humans?” I countered, suddenly very interested.

“The Nightmare showed them to me,” she took a step back, “Rather revolting creatures if you ask me.  Your turn.  How could you possibly know about humans?”

I was kinda blown away by that statement, but I felt no shame over my race.  I daresay, I was insulted!  After becoming one with the bronies, I’d say humans were pretty damn cool, “I am one of those ‘rather revolting creatures,’ thank you very much.”

“You look nothing like a human!” she protested, blushing a tad as she realized she’d just shoved her hoof in her mouth.

“That doesn’t change the fact that he is,” Celestia stepped out into the garden, looking royally exhausted, “I’m glad to see you two have already met.”

“Hey, Princess!” I smiled as she approached, “You look beat.”

“She is,” Luna narrowed her eyes and frowned with concern, “She’s supposed to be asleep by now.  Morning is going to be late, I can already tell.”

“There are more important matters to attend to,” Celestia announced in a matter-of-fact tone, “Such as helping our nameless friend here.”

Luna looked back and forth between the two of us before lifting an eyebrow, “Wow, you really don’t have a name.  Must be a human thing.”

“I feel a slight undertone of racism setting in,” I gave a slightly irritated snort.  The very idea was kinda funny though.  Racist ponies.  Lawl.

“Children.  Focus.  Thank you,” Celestia softly ordered, inhaling deeply before continuing, even her voice sounding drained, “Luna, I know this is hard for you.  But we need to ask you about the Nightmare.  It resurfaced earlier today in Ponyville and nearly took a new host.”

I know ponies have fur coats and not colored skin, but that doesn’t seem to stop the color from draining out of their faces when they hear something that they don’t want to.

“And it knew I was a human,” I supplied, “In fact, I think it may have something to do with my being here.”

Luna blinked in shock a few times before speaking, “Of... Of course it does!  You’re a human!  The savage yet technologically advanced warrior race!”

I think I threw up in my mouth a little, just then.

“Right.  We eat ponies, lie to one another, spend vast amounts of currency and research effort into nothing but killing the innocents of opposing human factions,” I drolled on a little too emphatically, “I mean, just the things we’ve created!  Such as toilet paper!  Oh!  And insurance!  Man, that’s actually pretty bad, now that I think about it.  Yeah, humans are pretty awful.”

I may have driven that a little too far, judging by the very chastised look on Luna’s face.  She suddenly found a huge amount of interest in the ground and ways she could draw into it with her hoof.  I slumped a little bit all over, ears included.  I had not meant to be so mean about it.  I was just always pretty quick to jump to humanity’s side when friends and family vocalized their lack of faith in all things.  Got a little carried away, if you could believe that.  It never happens!

“Look, I’m sorry, Luna,” I sighed and rubbed the back of my head with a significant helping of shame setting in, “I’ve had a stressful day, and though that doesn’t excuse anything... I just.  Yes, humans have the potential to be the most awful things ever.  But they also have the potential to be the greatest saints.  And every time I hear someone back home whine about how they have no faith in humanity, I get to thinking they’re just watching a little too much Fox News and not doing enough to find out on their own.”

Celestia nodded, “I don’t know many humans, and though he’s certainly... odd...  His heart is in the right place.”

Awww!  Thanks, Celestia.  =3  You’re pretty cool, too.

She looked back up at me, still pawing at the ground a bit, “You’re not like the humans The Nightmare showed me.”

“No two humans are perfectly alike,” I said with a smile.

“I want to know more about the humans,” she said suddenly, stepping closer with big curious eyes, “Those machines on the moon!  Were they really for war?!”

“Machines?  There are machines on your moon?” I was flabbergasted to say the least.

“Yes!  Well... Sort of.  There are many dimensions, you see,” she started to explain before I caught her off with an upraised hoof.

Multiverse.  Figured.

“I’m sorry, my mind is taking in too much from Equestria as it stands.  Let me see if I can sum up a bit,” I started, taking a moment to internally eliminate as many possibilities as I could, “Okay.  You’re stuck on the moon for a thousand years.  Maybe more in a spiritual or metaphysical sense.  That’s a long time to sit around and count rocks, so rather than do something pointless, you start seeing what you CAN do in this non-physical state.”

Luna nodded.  Yeah.  I don’t know if maybe certain authors or scriptwriters have been dimension travelling (LAUREN FAUST CAME TO PONYVILLE?!) or what, but this wasn’t anything new to me.  Or anyone that had half a vested interest in science fiction/fantasy.

“So you figure out how to dimension hop or some equivalent.  No, I don’t want to know the method behind it unless it involves getting me home somehow,” I stopped on that random thought, “Does it?”

“Get you back to Earth?  No, that was The Nightmare,” she sipped her tea with an apologetic frown, “The Nightmare knew magic that I don’t think I’ll ever grasp fully.”

“Am I still on track, at least?” I asked, though need not have bothered.

“Almost like you were there, scarily enough,” I could tell she wasn’t sure what to make certain of my ability to discern a bad villain plot when I saw it.  It was terribly obvious, in my opinion.  Tropes.  That’s how they work.

“Anyway, so you found my home world and moon, spotted the lunar landing vehicles, and suddenly got ideas.  By the way, no.  There’s not a single weapon on the moon that I’m aware of.  Getting to the moon was an expedition of science and exploration.  Nothing more,” I continued to rattle everything off in a bored fashion, pausing only to take quick puffs off the cigarette.

“How do you know all of this?”

“Seen it in a movie once,” I rolled my eyes.  This was a little too stereotypical for my taste, actually, “So, The Nightmare wants to conquer all of Equestria using the humans.”

“Close!” she smirked, now smugly grinning at me, “Other way around.”

Now I was a little bothered. “Okaaay~.  It wants to use the ponies to conquer Earth?  … … No offense, princesses, but I’ve seen the ponies.  You guys couldn’t raid a fridge equipped with the munchies and a three-day fasting period, much less a planet of war savvy bipeds.”

Celestia agreed with me, nodding tiredly, “Indeed.  Equestria is a utopia of peace.  Only the very oldest of my guards have seen any serious conflict, outside of myself and you, Luna.  Any attempt at conquest would be folly.”

“Look, I don’t know all the details,” Luna wing shrugged, invoking my jealousy, “The Nightmare is crazy.  In ways that we’ve never even heard of.”

I had my doubts about that, but held my tongue for the moment.

“Why did you not tell me this earlier?” Celestia asked, looking a little perturbed but not overly so.

“Sis, The Nightmare had a chaotic mishmash of ideas.  Sometimes it was pretty coherent.  Other days it just wasn’t able to form complete thoughts, just intense emotions.” She kicked at the ground idly, her mind getting a little lost in having to remember what it was like.

I looked at Celestia and shook my head.  We had what we needed.  In all likelihood, The Nightmare had most certainly brought me here for some sick, twisted purpose and was either too crazy to remember why or too incompetent to follow through with it’s plans.  I got the feeling it was likely a mixture of both.

“Well, if that’s all, please excuse me,” Celestia let out a princess sized yawn before smacking her lips a bit, “I leave the night to you, Luna.”

“Peace out, Princess,” I called as she lazily waved a wing at us, sauntering off at a terribly slow pace.  When she was gone, I turned to Princess Luna and realized my cigarette was nearly finished.  I got an idea to suddenly spit it up into the air and breathe fire at it.  Sure enough, that sucker was thinner than dust.

“Show off,” she said with a smirk, “So, anyway... I want to know about Earth!”

“No, I’m tired of having this conversation,” I said with a whine, causing her to pout.

At first, I was unfazed. “No, seriously, I’ve burned at least five hours of my life into that activity today.  How about tomorrow?”

Then she poked her bottom lip out.  By Celestia’s beard, it was adorable.

“No,” I said simply, kinda grimacing away from her.

Then she used dirty tactics and started the puppy dog eyes.

“A... Are you h... Stop it!” I exclaimed, to which she only took a step closer to take up more of my vision with her pouting, “Get away!”

“I can order you to do it!” she snapped angrily, sparing me from a guilt trip seizure with her sudden frustration.

“Yeah, right, like I have to follow your orders, ye indigo equine of darkness,” I countered, trying not to sweat with relief, “I get the feeling your authority does not extend to humanity.”

“Ugh!  You are so annoying!” she huffed and looked away angrily.

“Well, excuuuuse me, princess!” Yes, I said it.  I have no shame.  In fact, I was cackling on the inside, “But I’ve had quite a day!  Forgive me for not falling on your every whim and word!”

“Oh, whatever,” she rolled her eyes back at me, “You spend a thousand years on the moon with some insane witch and then I’ll give you the time of night.”

“Sorry, I don’t think I could get along with you for a thousand years,” BAM! SMARTASSED!  OH YEAH!  I’M NOT EVEN WINDED!

Luna turned back to glare at me before suddenly bursting out into laughter.  At first I thought she didn’t get the joke, but she eventually spoke again after regaining her composure, “You know, you’re the first pony to have ever argued with me besides my sister.”

I tilted my head in confusion somewhat, “You’re welcome?”

“It’s just... Nice,” she admitted, smiling at me happily, “I kinda feel normal right now.  I mean, being with The Nightmare showed me some... terrible and horrible things.  Things that I would have never experienced as just a princess here in Canterlot.  It’s... changed me.  And how I see things.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t turned out for the worse,” I admitted with an encouraging nod, “You’re made of sterner stuff.”

“I guess.  It’s just been hard.  I now see the horrible side as well as the good side of things,” she murmured softly, “And no one in Equestria can relate to that.  It’s actually refreshing to talk to somepony who can.  That and you’re not afraid to tell me ‘No’ at all.”

“Yeah, I’m real ballsy like that,” I said in faux self-admiration, giving a chuckle before putting on a slightly more serious face, “But seriously, you shouldn’t let it get to you.  I mean, as innocent and naive as everypony here can be at times, a lot of the them out there can show you how to forget all about it.  An escape might do you some good.”

“Yeah, maybe,” she gave a wing shrug (jealous) before suddenly getting an idea, “So what’s the magic glass and what does it do?!”

“Oh, my phone?” I pulled it out and brought it out of sleep, “A little bit of everything, actually.  It has access to the largest knowledge repository that I’ve ever heard of, it can play music, let you call people with other phones across practically any distance as long as certain special towers are set up to allow communication.  Oh, it has a few video games, too.”

“What games?” she tilted her head in confusion.

That’s when things got crazy.  We busted out Angry Birds.  Thank whatever divine power is out there that my phone had infinite power, because after her first red bird scream, she was hooked.  Badly.  She was raging out on some of the harder levels, stamping her hooves furiously at being confounded (I swear, if she wasn’t actually using the phone, I’d have snapped a shot of that and sent it to Ponibooru).  She couldn’t use her magic at all, and I think that was her biggest weakness.  Eventually, she got too frustrated and I decided to bend my rules a little, showing her the magic of Google and everything that she could learn by using the powerful search engine.  I don’t know what time it was, but we burned most of the night into that thing.  I did my best to keep her searching safely, not wanting her to see anything bad.  I remember nearly nodding off as she was trying to search up the strategy to beat that last Angry Birds level.  I nearly fell over, which brought me back to reality long enough to know that it was bed time.

“Okay, Luna,” I said with a loud yawn, stretching wonderfully (I love to stretch), “I’ve gotta get some shut eye.”

“Alright, go ahead,” she replied, intently studying the youtube video for exact bird throwing angles.

“I need my phone back,” I coughed a bit to help emphasize the hint.

“Okay,” she gave an absent-minded nod before realizing what I had said, “Wait, what?  But! … But!”

“No butts, haunches, or hindquarters,” I was NOT going to let her surf without supervision, “Hand’r over.”

She pouted again, this time seriously meaning it.  I gulped as I strained against the cute, staying stone faced just long enough for her to magic it over to me, “Don’t worry, we’ll do this again, and soon.  I’ve got some cool stuff to show ya.”

She smiled, a tad distracted.  She then nodded at me with a sigh before getting up, “Yeah, It’s about time for me to get ready to help set the moon for Tia.”

“Yeah, go work.  Do celestial stuff.  Keep the circle of life rolling,” I yawned tiredly before picking out a garden bench and flopping down onto it.  I set my phone to wake me up in six or so hours and laid it out.  I didn’t know if it was going to make any noise in the nothing, so I thought it best to not take chances.  I didn’t want to miss the entire day (for the record, I will sleep twenty four hours straight if I am not given a way to wake up before that), after all, “Goodnight.  Morning.  Whatever.”

“You’re going to sleep right there?!” she asked incredulously, to which I grunted an affirmation.

“Ugh,” she said, “Humans.”

“I resent that remark,” I said tiredly, slowly drifting off to sleep.

I am actually a restless sleeper.  I roll, flop, kick, tuck, tumble, and dance in my sleep, I’m told.  Whatever, I don’t pay attention when I’m out like a light.  All I know is that I fell off that stupid bench just as the sun began to rise.  I cursed as I opened my eyes.  I’ll skip the part where I had that “WHERE AM I?!” moment and just get to the part where I lit my cigarette.  I began to wonder what time it was after the first drag and started to reach for my phone, only to realize it was gone.  Without a doubt, I could not have become more awake even if you had hit me with ice cold water filled with angry spiders.

“SHIT!” I jumped up, spoiling the pure pony air with my profanity, “LUNA?!”

I looked about, panicking slightly before galloping back into the palace.  I drew off my knowledge of the absorbed map to make a beeline for Luna’s room.  There were these four guards that saw an unfamiliar pony running about in the palace, so naturally they wanted to be the Equestrian Patrol and stop me.  I was having none of it, though, and simply barrelled over them.  It was surprisingly easy.  Storm Trooper syndrome, anyone?

“Stop!” I heard one of them shout.  Oh yeah.  I just ran them over, but now that they asked me nicely I was obviously obligated to pull over.  Whatever.

With that, I burst into Luna’s room, “Princess!”

She was staring at the phone.  Not just staring at it, but taking it in.  Her horn was glowing and her body was tense.

“Luna.  For the love of all things in both our worlds... Do not do what I think you’re going to do,” I pleaded quietly.

“I have to know,” she murmured, her horn beginning to glow all the brighter, “I can’t not know.”

I heard the guards approaching from behind me, so I turned and breathed out a wall of fire, cutting them off, “No!  Get Celestia!  Trust me, do not interfere.  Princess Luna is about to do something very dangerous.  I need to talk her out of it.  Just stay back, please, if you care about her at all.”

“Snowfall, get Captain Storm Wing,” the silver one in the front ordered, “Whirlwind, go.  Awaken the princess.”

They obviously didn’t trust me very much, but they didn’t have much choice since I was breathing fire at them.  Eventually, the two of the rear guards did back off.  The other two eyed me carefully as I let the fire die down.  Hesitantly, the front runner nodded at me.  Why?  I don’t know.  I must seem extra trustworthy.

I looked back into the room to see Luna still staring hard at the phone, “Please, Luna.  It’s not worth it.  Yes, that device holds vast amounts of knowledge, but the price is not something you want to pay.”

Luna blinked, “I’ve already seen so much.  It couldn’t be much worse.  I want to know that it’s not all horrific like The Nightmare showed me.”

I sighed softly, slumping a bit, “It’s not.  Remember last night?  What I showed you wasn’t bad at all.”

“I know,” she replied, still gazing deeply into the phone, “But you’re holding back.  You don’t want to show me everything.  I don’t want to wait another thousand years to know it’s alright.  I want to know now.”

“What’s going on here?” I heard Celestia’s voice, “What’s happened here?”

As her sister started to walk in, Luna looked a tad frightful but still stayed affixed to the device.

“Luna, just... give it here,” I shook my head, “We don’t even know that spell will work. That isn’t a piece of paper.  It’s not a book.  You might end up hurting yourself.”

“Hurt... Hurt myself?” she whispered, “I think not.”

“Luna,” Celestia didn’t know what was going on, but she picked up on my fear almost instantly, “What are you doing?  That doesn’t belong to you.  Give it back, dear sister.”

Luna began to let the light fade from her horn and began to sadly relax all over.  Just as she started to stand up straight, the alarm on my phone suddenly went off, which involved Rainbow Dash doing the sonic rainboom and Pinkie Pie singing ‘Corridor of Cupcakes’ at insane volumes (It’s hard to wake me up, okay?).  We all were startled by the sudden sound and Luna was instantly spurred into doing what she felt was right.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

She reared up and slammed her hooves down as her eyes flared bright white.  My poor Atrix 4G (all six-hundred dollars of it) went up in flames as she absorbed it and everything it had access to.  It took an impressive amount of magic to tear it all out and the ensuing explosion of force knocked both me and Celestia from the room.  I hit that poor silver guard and got back up instantly, bolting back inside.  My phone was nothing but ash and Luna had been knocked back against the wall, writhing somewhat.  Her eyes were wide and her entire form was glowing softly as she calmed a bit.  She got up quickly and shuddered all over, staring at nothing for several seconds.

“Luna?!”  I began to walk (canter, whatever!) up to her, only for her to gasp and spontaneously dash for the window.  She just leaped straight through it, shattering it without a care in the world.  She tried to fly, but she obviously was still struggling from whatever she had just done for herself and began to plummet.  I didn’t think, I just jumped after her, catching her and taking a double pony crash to my side as we hit the ground, having placed myself under her.  I instantly decided that the next time Luna had a crazy idea such as defenestrating (That literally means to throw something out a window by the way.  This word alone makes the English language 20% cooler) herself, she would have to fly (or fall) solo on that.  I sure as hell wasn’t making a hobby out of second story wingless jumps.

She began to mumble some gibberish as she got up off me and began galloping away, albeit slightly off balance.  I groaned, not nearly as quick as she was thanks to her less-than-successful attempt at flight.  Out of pure determination, I somehow forced myself to get up and chase after her.  I was calling at her, but she either wasn’t listening or was just too far gone to care.  

The chase didn’t last long, though.  Not because I caught her.  Heavens, no, it couldn’t be that easy.  Remember that silver guard telling the other guard to go get some jackpony named Storm Wing?  Remember also when Celestia said that only a select few of her oldest guards were combat worthy?  Remember that one electric pegasus from the show that served as Celestia’s right hand?  Oh, you don’t remember that last part?  No?  That’s because he wasn’t in the show!  BECAUSE THIS GUY IS TOO SCARY FOR CHILDREN!  Seriously!  We’re talking the sword of Celestia in the form of pony!

I saw a bluish streak approach like lightning out of the corner of my eye.  I would have looked at it if I had ANY reaction time whatsoever.  Suffice it to say, I did not.  I got tackled.  It was like getting hit by a car, or so I can imagine.  Now thinking back, I’m pretty sure cars don’t hit that hard.  It wasn’t actually a tackle, even, it was more of a body check, like in hockey.  Only I didn’t fall over.  I flew over.  Into a building.  I stumbled out of the pony shaped dent and remembered turning to see a blurred bluish-white hoof smack right into my face.

Not sure how long I was out (THANKS TO NOT HAVING MY PHONE!), but let’s just say I didn’t need any more rest for the entire day.

Also, screw Captain Storm Wing.

Chapter Three                                                                                Chapter Five!

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Five: The Bride of Chapter

Author’s Notes:  DON’T I JUST LOOK AWESOME?  Another day, another chapter.  Just to warn everyone, I’m going on a vacation so I won’t be spending much time working on the fic as I’ll be mostly with my friends and family.  I’ll try to get some work done, but yeah... For the next ten or so days, I’ll be pretty occupied.  You understand don’t you?  DON’T YOU!?  

Random Fanart! (SFW)  If anyone knows the source, please let me know at Lafteroth@hotmail.com 

Another Note!  I’ve heard that people are sending me emails and I’m not getting them!  Apparently my email is on the fritz and is sending almost everything to junk for auto-delete!  If you’ve sent me anything and I didn’t respond, I apologize! D:  Promise!  I’ll try to get this worked out after I’m back from vacation!

“You should have restrained him, Storm Wing,” I heard Celestia say, completely ruining my MLP: Fighting is Magic dream by waking me up, “Why on Equestria did you attack him?”

“M’lady, forgive my rash decision,” I heard some pony respond as I rolled over.  He sounded young but as serious as a Grimdark tag, “Snowfall came to me saying that the princess was in danger and that a suspicious fire breathing unicorn was forcibly entering her room.  I wrongfully assumed that he was trying to hurt her when I sensed him chasing her out of the courtyard.”

“I see.  I understand your decision, Storm Wing, and I approve of your willingness to act.  But also, it’s that same willingness that allows you take it too far,” she replied gently, “I expect you to show more restraint in the future.”

I opened my eyes and instantly regretted it.  Light!  BAD!  Getting bucked in the face can obviously cause some serious migraines and today was no exception.  I groaned as I slowly got to my feet, rubbing the spot where Captain Jackpony busted my chops.  I went to pull out a smoke before finding out with absolute horror that they weren’t on me.  This day had just officially became a bad one, and I could already tell that somepony was going to catch hell for it.

“Of course, my princess,” I heard him say as I began to look at my surroundings. I was in... well... It looked like a stable.  Made out of iron.  I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be a humiliating form of prison.  To me, it was just funny.  Well, at the time it just pissed me the hell off, but yeah, looking back, it was kinda funny.  I searched through my magic mental map to find that this jail wasn’t very far from the palace actually.  Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, I suppose.

“Do as I ordered and come see me when he awakens.  We’ve got to prepare for the worst,” she said before I heard the soft sound of departing hoofclops.  I wasn’t sure if just one or both of them left (even one pony walking sounds like a multitude of hoofsteps).  As I pushed on my unmoving stable door, I decided I did not feel like being contained.  With that, I looked at my hoof and stared at it for a bit, channelling heat into it.  It wasn’t long before it turned red and I shook my head, not satisfied with that.

“Hotter,” I told myself with an irritated snap.  It didn’t respond.

Expect it to happen.

Thanks, Luna, I’d almost forgot, I silently thanked her.  With that in mind, I simply told myself as soon as my hoof got hot enough, we were getting out of here.  Without a doubt, it began to flare up and turn white hot, crackling with magic.  I’m not going to sugarcoat it, kids, I was in so pissy of a mood that I didn’t even get that awesome feeling when I did something new and amazing.  I just kept staring at it as it got hotter and when I felt it was good enough, I pressed it to the lock.

The lock slowly turned red.  Then it turned white.  Then it started to bend ever so slowly.  This was taking too long, I told myself.  I slammed my other hoof up there and began to do likewise with it and even then, it wasn’t helping things move along very much at all.  Finally, I began to breathe fire onto the damn thing with my two hooves pressing and within a few moments, the lock turned to butter and fell off the cage, hitting the stone floor with what sounded more like mud splattering than anything.  I turned and gave that stable door a buck and sent it flying wide open.  In retrospect, Bad To The Bone should have started playing right then, but it didn’t.  You disappoint me, yet again, Equestria.

“My prison not good enough for you, human?” I heard that same voice that had been talking to Celestia say as I stepped out, my very breath letting out wisps of flame.

Now, since this guy wasn’t in the show, I’ll go ahead and describe him for you, because this wasn’t one of your run of the mill guards.  First, take one of those stupid copy-pasta pegasus guards.  Now, give their plated-armor a red trim with a violet star badge on the front (I guess a symbol of his rank).  Instead of sky blue hair, his mane was bright electric blue with stark white streaks in it and his coat was bluish-white.  I’m somewhat ashamed to say that he wasn’t a huge ripped pony, either, but was pretty much the size of Rainbow Dash, frame and all.  Hell, he didn’t even look older than Fluttershy, which was odd if he was one of Celestia’s ‘oldest’ guards.  Another thing of note was that this guy had some seriously long hair.  As in, the rivets in his neck barding had been left out and his mane was woven into the helmet going down the back of his neck and past his wings.  It was that long.  If I had not already had a serious problem with this pony, I would have been staring at him in awe (Because he looked pretty damn cool).  As it were, though, I’d never wanted to hit a pony so hard in my life ‘cause it was definitely that same jackpony that had blindsided me from before.

“Nope, it kinda sucks actually. Kinda like its current curator,” I snapped angrily, “Now step aside, Sparky, before I lose my temper.”

“That’s Captain Storm Wing to you,” he said, his expression bored and his tone flat, “And I’m afraid I can’t do that.  Especially with you so hot-headed right now.”

I took a few steps forward before noticing that his visage wasn’t just bored, it was unresponsive.  I was entirely caught off guard by the development that Captain Storm Wing wasn’t wearing a half-lidded bored expression, but rather, he was quite blind.  The corn blue iris gave it away entirely.  A scrawny, blind pony whipped my ass.  This day just kept getting better!

“Why not?  You going to try and stop me?  Because I’m actually still agreeable enough to warn you right now, I’ve got no problems turning you into a simple clean-up job for whatever pony is out there with a broom-and-dustpan cutie mark,” I threatened.  I always did talk some serious smack talk when I was angry.  Not necessarily cool smack talk, mind you.

“Please,” the corner of his mouth raised a tad, betraying his amusement at my warning, “I’ve chased hostile dragons out of Equestria and brought rampaging Behemoth Phoenixes to an early rebirth.  I doubt you’ve got what it takes to match their brand of heat.”

“Only one way to find out,” I growled irritably.  If I had just been a little more clear headed, I would have just cooled my hooves and defused the situation.  As it were, however, I’ll simply fast forward past this next part.  Imagine here a fight that goes badly for me, where I find out that a pegasus half my size can whip my plot like a boss.  And screw Captain Storm Wing.  Magical tasering is cheating!

“Had enough?” he asked, gently nudging my prone plot with a hoof.

“I’ve never... hated a... pony before you,” I said between pained breaths, “How do you mani-... fest lightning... without unicorn... magic?”

“Took a few centuries to learn.  It’s basic pegasus weather magic on a much smaller, yet more focused scale,” he replied before helping me off the ground and forcing me to stand back up, “Get it all out of your system?”

“Yeah,” I admitted, not wanting any more of this fight at all, “How can you... see me?”

“Everypony and everything gives off an electromagic field.  With a little creative use of my pegasus magic, I can sense it just fine,” he explained.  I could tell he was somewhat surprised that I caught onto it.

“Like an electric eel,” I remarked, finally starting to breathe normally again, “That’s... pretty interesting actually.”

“Most ponies don’t even pick up on the fact that I am blind,” he commented with an appreciative nod, “Humans must be pretty quick.  That trick with the tail was a new one on me.”

“For all the good it did,” I stumbled a tad as I tried to recover.  I thought the migraine sucked.  Let me tell you, when enough electricity runs through your body enough times, you will feel like you ran a marathon.  A long one.  Maybe even a marathon that consisted of multiple marathons combined, “I need my cigarettes.  Tell me you have them?”

Storm wing pulled the box from his nothing, “I can only presume you mean these?  What are they?”

“They’re poisonous leaves wrapped in paper designed to burn slowly,” I explained as I took them from him and lit one.  I don’t know why, but I felt compelled to show him how stupid I was for smoking them by explaining the entire process, “The smoke is intended to be breathed in through this filter on the back and cause feelings of ease or awareness and sometimes both.  The chemicals in the leaves also create an addiction, so even if you want to stop using them, it becomes almost impossible without serious motivation.  Even with that, it causes serious mood swings when you do.  Without these, I would eventually make those monsters you mentioned look like candles.  Or try to, anyway.”

“Wow,” he gave a snort of laughter, “Whatever helps your pony float.  Anyway, now that you’re good and calmed down, it’s time to come see the princess.”

“What?” I rubbed my latest bruise, glaring at him disapprovingly, “You mean you beat the hell out of me just because?”

“Wanted to take your measure.  You’re smart.  Your temper is a problem, but that’s understandable considering the situation.  I’m fairly certain you’d have given me a harder time if you had been thinking more clearly,” he gave a wing shrug.  His wings were pretty large for a pegasus of his stature, I noted.  Not too much smaller than Celestia’s even, despite his size.  I found myself wondering if wings just kept getting bigger with age.  I was also wondering if it would hurt more should I decide to kick them really hard.  ‘Why?’ you ask?  No reason.  Purely random thought.  I get those sometimes.

“So... … ... you just beat the hell out of me... … Just because,” I repeated, taking a loooooong drag off that cigarette.  That had to have been one of the best smokes I’d ever had.  Even through all the pain, I could feel that slight rush of mentholated nicotine wash over me.

“Sure,” he said with a chuckle.

SCREW CAPTAIN STORM WING!

“You’re an ass,” I remarked before giving a sigh, the cigarette already helping me chill out, “Well, whatever, let’s go see Celestia.”

“Princess Celestia.” He gave a nod before turning to walk out. “Come with me.”

Easier said than done, I thought to myself as I tried to keep up with him.  Actually, the keeping up part was easy.  It was doing so while not whining like a baby as I did that was the hard part.  Everything ached so badly thanks to Captain Taser Hooves, here.  I was quite aware that focusing on pain just made it that much more unbearable, though, so I sucked it up and kept pace.  At least I’m not lost thanks to Luna’s map, I told myself in a desperate attempt at consolation.  Then, I remembered what had taken place and was suddenly wrought with worry over the indigo alicorn.

“What do we know?” I finally spoke as we made our way into the palace, crossing the entrance hall on our way to the throne room, “Is Luna alright?”

“I’ve no clue,” he flicked his tail a bit, causing it to pop with electricity.  I’d call him a showoff but... … Yeah... Even I’m not that hypocritical, “We can’t find her.  We were hoping you would know where to look.”

Of course they did.  I’d just pop out the GPS on my phone and OHWAIT, “Why would you think I would know?”

“Because she said you would,” he answered with another wing shrug.  I swear, I think pegasi do that just to screw with less-winged ponies.

“You mean you caught up to her?” My surprise was rather evident.

“Of course I did,” he gave an arrogant laugh, “There’s not a pony I couldn’t catch.”

“Bet there is,” my mind instantly jumped to Rainbow Dash, “Heard of a Sonic Rainboom?”

“Doesn’t exist,” he said quite plainly, not even blinking.  I guess he didn’t get out much.  You would figure a pegasus in charge of some branch of military would be on the lookout for other good fliers.

“Oh, HELL YEAH!” I suddenly bust out, pointing in his face as we approached the door to the throne room.  Not that he could see me pointing, “Seen it happen TWICE!  Rainbow Dash would leave you eating dust!”

“Whatever,” he really didn’t take me seriously at all.  I disapproved of his dismissal, “Compose yourself, you’re about to appear before Princess Celestia.”

“I know who I’m about to appear before,” I said with a roll of my eyes before pushing the door open, “Princess, your Captain of the Guard could use a few sensitivity-awareness seminars!”

Celestia didn’t look at all amused as I cantered in.  Can’t say I blame her.  Her baby sister was probably off in God-knows-where having the mental breakdown of the century.  Whether or not I did anything, it was still indirectly my fault.  If anything for my carelessness.  I took a drag off my smoke and shifted it over to the other side of my mouth before approaching the throne.  Normally, I would have gotten rid of my cigarette long ago, but quite frankly, I was stressed.  So very, very stressed.  And I didn’t see any No-Smoking signs anywhere, so to hell with it!

“I’ll see about arranging that for him, No-Name,” she said quite curtly, “And he’s not a guard.  He’s Captain of the Sky Archons.”

“What’s a Sky Archon?” I tilted my head before giving it a shake and holding up my hoof, “Skip it, we’ve got more important matters on our hands.  Hooves, whatever.”

“Indeed, we do.  My sister is gone, and we have your now-charred device to thank for that.” More elephants in the room being pointed out.  Just what we needed, I thought as she continued, “By the time she reached the city, she took flight.  Storm Wing caught up to her, but she resisted and he was unwilling to harm her in an effort to bring her back.”

“I see.” I glanced at Storm Wing and considered brohoofing him for playing it smart.  But then I decided not to.  Not exactly fond of the bastard. “What did she say about me and finding her?  And how long was this after Sparkles, here, decided to blindside me?”

“About half an hour after I dragged your heavy carcass into your cell,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone, though his words were hardly professional, “After trying to ground her, she lashed out at me.  I was able to evade her, but Luna’s no foal.  She knew I wouldn’t harm her, thus she made it impossible for me to get too close without doing so.  After realizing how futile my actions were, I asked what it would take for her to come back.  She stopped to think before telling me to get the nameless unicorn.  When I asked where she would be, she called back saying that you would know where to find her.”

“Indeed,” Celestia nodded, “Now, before we continue.  What exactly has happened here, my little human?”

Ideas for a new toy line in Equestria, anyone?

“I don’t know,” I shook my head, taking a drag off my smoke, “I have a few guesses, some of them pretty horrific.  As for what exactly, I’ve got nothing solid so... I’ve no idea.  The fact that she’s able to speak, fly, and hold a conversation is a good thing.  However, that may also end up being a bad thing.  I just don’t know.  I have to find her.”

“Agreed,” she responded immediately, “Silverheart?”

The throne room door opened up and in walked that same silly silver guard that was kind enough to break my fall earlier.  Upon pulling off her (sorry, I wasn’t exactly giving enough of a damn when I first saw her to try to distinguish her gender) helmet and kneeling, she spoke loud and clear.

“Yes, your highness?” she asked, keeping her eyes lowered.

“Fetch my Sky Carriage for our guest to use.  Captain Storm Wing, you are to escort him,” she ordered.

“Oh, hell no!” I blurted, the Mareboro falling out of my mouth as my jaw dropped in dismay, “Celestia, you cannot be serious.”

“Princess Celestia,” Storm Wing growled, not appreciating the familiar way I addressed his Princess.  Well, that was all I needed to know.  Cross ‘Princess’ off the list for Words In My Vocabulary.  We might salvage this day, yet!

“Silence, Captain,” she ordered curtly, before turning on me.  She started pretty softly, but by the time she was done, she definitely did not sound so regal and pleasant, “Yes, my nameless friend.  An escort.  You may very well be the last hope of saving my sister from whatever she’s done.  This isn’t up for debate, you will be protected, and you will do everything in your power to bring her back to me.  I know you are not purposefully causing all of this mayhem in my darling Equestria, but the fact remains that you ARE causing it, nonetheless!  So, if you give me any reason to doubt you, or cause me to think that you are incapable, I’ll have Storm Wing put you in a place that I can promise you know nothing of and where my beautiful sun will never grace your lovely grey face ever again!  Are we clear?”

Daaaaaamn~!

I gulped, “Crystal.”

“Excellent,” she said, narrowing her eye(s?) before aiming her horn at me and firing a beam from it, “This is to make it easier on you.  Now go.  I do not enjoy making threats, but rest assured, I’m a pony of her word.” (Anyone else have absolutely no problem believing that?)

I cringed away from the spell, but as soon as it hit me, I realized it was a restorative one.  All the pain and bruises (THANK GOD) faded quickly and simply left feelings of empowerment.  I took a deep breath before realizing that it had even removed the lung damage that the stupid cigarettes had afflicted me with.  I don’t know if it was a side effect of the spell or just the relief from all the pain, but whatever the case, I was ready to take on an army.  I felt amazing.

“Yeah!” I reared up and slammed down, snorting a bit of fire as I smiled widely, “Well, I’ll see what I can’t do with the boyscout!  C’mon, Storm Wing!”

I kid you not, I was on top of the world.  I turned and galloped out of the throne room with Silver Heart and Storm Wing slowly cantering behind me.  I stepped back out into fresh air before finishing my smoke and flicking it (Didn’t even bother trying to figure out how, this time) into a nearby courtyard bush.

“I’ll return shortly,” Silverheart promised us before departing.

I cantered in place for a bit before rearing up on my back two legs a second time, this time to stretch with a loud groan.

“Feeling better, I see,” Storm Wing remarked before sighing as if he was about to do something he didn’t want to do, “Listen, I know you don’t like me.  You don’t have much reason to.  I just want you to know, I’m going to do everything I can to help.  Just keep me in the loop and I’ll try to stay out of the way.  I’m not stupid, I know you’re pretty much the only shot I have of bringing Luna back safely and I’m not going to let my pride screw that up.”

So now Storm Wing was suddenly being an okay guy.  That didn’t sit well with me.  I hated not being friends with cool people.  And he was a badass pony so not being friends with him already sucked.  I didn’t want to like him, though.  I eventually sighed and turned to face the Sky Archon (whatever the hell that is).

“Look, Storm,” I began to say before suddenly spotting HIM walking up the entrance hall.  I paused for several seconds, staring at the pony headed towards the throne room before looking back at Storm Wing, “Uhhh... Actually, you want to help?”

“Of course,” he was so serious.  Quite the trooper.

I smiled deviously.  As a brony, what I was about to do was my civic duty.  Maybe not civic, but it was pretty much an opportunity that I would regret for the rest of my life, should I let it pass.  Also, nopony would ever forgive me.

“Look the other way for ten seconds.  I’m not going to run away and it’s not like you couldn’t catch me.  Just look over there,” I pointed off into the distance at the courtyard, where absolutely nothing resided beyond the palace decor.

Storm Wing decided to give me a rather skeptical look (>implying he was looking at all?!).  When he opened his mouth to speak, I cut him off.

“Ah-ah-ah.  Help, right?  Trust me on this.  This will make the entire day go by much more easily.  Be right back,” I promised him.  Eventually, he took my word and stared out into the courtyard.  Then I bolted.  Not running away.  No.  No, I was running towards some pony.  Had to reach him before he made it to the throne room.  I could tell I wasn’t going to be in time.  Then I remembered that he wouldn’t recognize me.  Just had to delay him a little.

“Prince Blueblood!” I called out, causing the royal pony to stop just before the door.  He didn’t have any servants with him to open it for him, so I don’t know why he was headed that way.  I mean, it wasn’t like he was going to open the damn thing, right?  That was all I needed, “Let me get that for you, your highness!”

He paused and looked delighted to see somepony rushing to his pampering, but quickly recovered to looking oh-so-princely.  I approached with a big smile and as soon as I closed the distance, it was on.  BAM, I BUCKED THAT ROYAL PAIN-IN-THE-BUTT RIGHT IN THE FACE!

“THAT’S FOR MISS RARITY, YOU HORSE’S ASS!” I shouted at him as he fell back onto his haunches, more horrified than hurt  I’m pretty sure Celestia could hear the entire thing since I was just a few feet from the door, but as long as she didn’t see it, I could play coy with her later, “I can’t believe the Princess let you grow up to be such a complete waste of air!  You’re a disgrace to royalty of ALL races!  I hope this wake-up call gets you somewhere in life, Prince Black-Eye!”

I turned to canter back to Storm Wing, whom was shaking just a bit and I couldn’t figure out why.  Just as I figured out that he was actually trying not to laugh, I heard that albino jerk call out after us.

“C-Captain Storm Wing!  Arrest th-that brute!” he commanded, his voice cracking a little from what I desperately hoped was efforts made to avoid crying.

Storm Wing froze up suddenly before turning about and grimacing.  I figured this might happen, but I had already decided that it was worth it.  That prancy self-absorbed prick needed it so badly and I was all too happy to be of service, even if it got me in trouble.

“I’m sorry, Prince Blueblood, but Princess Celestia has ordered me to keep him safe and assist him until he retrieves Princess Luna.  Placing him under arrest would greatly hinder him from carrying out his mission, which would directly conflict with her majesty’s orders.  I’m afraid I cannot carry out your command,” he said apologetically, bowing low to show his regret, “Please, forgive my inability, sire.”

Okay.  Now, Storm Wing was on my Awesome-Ponies list.  The look that Prince Blueblood gave us was worth getting thrashed by that blind, beautiful blue boy a hundred times!

I blew that sorry bastard a kiss as our chariot arrived and brohoofed Silverheart (she was a little caught off guard, I think) in the shoulder before hopping on and zooming off into the sky.  I didn’t even realize I was controlling the damn thing until I was long gone into the air.  Luckily, it was just like casting a magic spell and all that it required was for me to expect what I wanted to actually get it moving.  I checked to see if Storm Wing was keeping up.  He wasn’t kidding when he was bragging about his speed.  I don’t think he was even trying very hard and this carriage was hauling like an airliner.

It felt good, flying did.  I’ve always been one for speed and the wind in my hair, so this was absolutely divine, to say the least.  I didn’t have my shades on me, which was kind of a bummer, but meh.  If that was the worst thing about the trip, I’d make it out just fine.

“Well, for not having been a unicorn for very long, you’ve picked up magic pretty handily,” Storm Wing commented as he landed beside me, “You’re no foal, human.”

I started to point out that I had a name, but really, I didn’t.  Yeah, I know I still had a human name, but to be honest, it was nothing special.  I mean, what sucks more about having a lame name is having a lame name that six other people have that you know personally.  Ye be crushin’ me need ta be a unique snowflake, fate!

“So, uh... Thanks for not throwing me under the bus back there?”

Weird thing about blind ponies and people, they’re pretty damn good at poker faces.  All he did was arch an eyebrow and I wasn’t sure if it was surprise, irritation, contemplation, or if he just had the urge to wiggle a brow muscle.  Pretty sure it wasn’t that last one.  Maybe.

“I assume you’re thanking me for not arresting you for assaulting a member of the royal family,” he confirmed before continuing, “Prince Blueblood is young and very foalish.  He doesn’t understand the weight of his responsibilities nor the consequences of his very selfish actions.  I can’t say I wouldn’t have taken action against you, had I not been under conflicting orders, human.  But, I will... admit... that I found it very hard to not laugh.  And yes, he’s had that coming for years.”

“You’re damn straight,” I gave a nod, “So, to find Luna.  Okay.  That I can do.  Just gotta think.”

“Princess Luna.  And what do you mean?  You don’t know?” he was a tad surprised, “She said you would know where to find her!”

“I think she was referencing that I would know how to find her and less specifically where to find her,” I pointed out as I began contemplating, running a hoof over my chin.

“I hope that doesn’t complicate things,” Storm Wing did not like the possibility of uncertainty, I could tell.

“Meh, all it means is that she would go someplace that the rest of you ponies wouldn’t go.  A place that a human wouldn’t be daunted by something that would prevent most ponies from visiting,” I began to think as we soared along at LUDICROUS SPEED.  It didn’t take me long, however.  There was only one place that I knew of that ponies actively avoided altogether.

“Oh,” I gave a chuckle, “Of course.”

“That simple, hmm?  Let’s hear it, pal,” he asked with a wing nudge at my ribs.  I’ll take the time to mention, I’m tired of other ponies having wings.  You’re probably tired of hearing about it.  That’s okay, too.

“Oh, well it’s quite simple, actually.  It’s a place where the ponies won’t go for certain.  Well, not without a damn good reason, anyway,” I said with a nod, “‘Where the trees grow, the animals care for themselves and the clouds move... All on their own~!’”

“What?” he wasn’t catching onto the reference.  Poor guy never saw (HAH!) the show.  Go figure.

“The Everfree Forest, my sparky friend,” I smirked as I pulled out a Mareboro, “Let’s do this!”

With that, I cranked up the speed on Celestia’s Awesome Sky-Carriage of Awesomeness™.  Let me tell you, that thing could pull some G’s.  I’m pretty sure I approached Sonic Flameboom speeds back there as I hauled off towards Ponyville, from which I could easily navigate myself to the Everfree Forest .  One bad thing about such speeds is that you cut the lifetime of your cigarette down dramatically due to wind.  Still, that was probably for the best.  Didn’t want to spoil my newfound health so quickly.  You might think, ‘Hey!  This is a perfect time for him to quit!’ but then I would remind you, ‘Hey!  I avoid all things mentally exhausting!’

As we passed over Ponyville, I decided to fly low.  I was hoping to spot one of the Mane Six in hopes of getting a bit of guidance, as they’ve all be in the forest at least twice.  Sure enough, as I passed over Town Square, I spotted Twilight pawing at the dirt near the crater.  She looked like she had brought out her entire library and laboratory with her.

“DETOUR!” I yelled as I suddenly swung it around, throwing poor Storm Wing right off due to my rapid, unexpected turn.

I broke speed just above Twilight and laughed at Sparky as he oriented himself.  Twilight spotted us and waved a hoof with an excited smile.  I smiled at my sparky friend and lowered the Carriage.

“Cute,” his visage was not a happy one.  Which, of course, made me happy, in return, “Why are we stopping?”

“Phoning a friend,” I answered as I hopped off beside the purple pony, “Twilight!”

I gave her a big pony hug, to which she laughed a bit, “Hey, No-Name.  Did you learn anything from Princess Luna?  And who’s your friend?”

“This stick-in-the-mud is to be ignored,” I assured her with a nod, “He’s also blind, so you can make faces at him and he won’t know!  See watch!”

I turned and stuck my tongue out at him.  Twilight had her usual reaction:  Stare at me like I was nuts.

“How mature.  Get your tongue back in your muzzle,” he groaned before sighing, “Look, human, I’m not wasting time.  Catch up to me at the Everfree Forest.  I’ll try and find Luna while you’re busy playing hooky with your fillyfriend.  Hopefully, by the time you’re done blowing off your responsibilities, all you’ll have to do is meet up with me and we can go straight to her.”

“Whatever you say, Stick-in-the-mud!” I called out to him, smirking as he turned around and bolted...

Actually, let me explain.  When I say ‘bolted,’ I don’t mean he took off really fast.  I mean it was like he made like a bolt of lightning and was gone.  He also left us with a deafening thunder crack and a charred spot where he once was.  Now, I can safely say he was a bigger showoff than me.

“Wow,” Twilight blinked to clear up her eyes, “Flashy.”

“Yeah,” I muttered, a little worried that he might actually be a little faster than my favorite RoyGBiv’d pony.  I then remembered what I had stopped for and turned to look at Twilight, “So, what did you find out?  Also, are you free to come with me to the Everfree forest?”

“What?  No, I’m still busy here!  I’ve learned a lot, though!” she pointed at her book (It was as thick as War & Peace!) full of notes and began to recite her findings, “As you can see...”

“Woah, woah, woah.  Hold up,” I cut her off, giving her a bashful smile, “Twilight, could you cast a spell to create an exact copy of this book?  Like right now?  I’m on a time budget.”

“Oh, to read on the way?  Hmm, I guess so,” she said after a moment of contemplation, “Here, come this way.  This crater’s radiating some form of magic suppressant.”

We walked about twenty feet away from the crater before stopping.  If I wasn’t in such a rush, the entire idea of anti-magic would have made my blood run cold, but at the time, there wasn’t much of a chance of distracting me.

“I can’t promise anything but... Here goes,” her modesty was so cute!

With a pop, an exact replica fell beside the first.  Let me channel Trixie here and ask you all, ‘Was there ever any doubt?’  I levitated it up and flipped through the pages for a few seconds before nodding, “Twilight, you are frigg’n OP, girl.  I hope I get a sweetheart back home that’s half as awesome as you.”

“Uhh.  Thanks?” she blushed, not knowing what to think of that before gasping, “You learned how to use magic!”

“Hells yeah!  And now it’s time to burn some valuable literature!” I exclaimed before setting down it back down and stomping down about it, absorbing it like a pro.

“What are you doing?!” she gasped before seeing me tremble all over, sorting through all the information she had compiled, “What... did you do?”

We know Twilight’s smart.  I don’t think anyone knows just how smart she really is.  Just to give you a quick rundown (I am summarizing and skipping so much here, you just haven’t got a clue).  She had notes, measurements, hypotheses (Yeah, that’s the correct way to spell the plural form.  I would know.  It was in Twilight’s notes!), results of many many many experiments (yeah, it was that many.  Like... Dozens.), anti-magic equations, a few solid theories on the effects of prolonged exposure to what she called the ‘antimagic radiating submatter henceforth known as Inmanipulon,’ the process of how the radiating dirt prevented magic (I can’t even pronounce some of these words), the interactive process between the anti-magic and magic radiation which she called ‘Manipulable Antisubdimensional-Resonance Relativity,’ possible applications concerning antimagic uses if made controllable, ... … I’m boring you, aren’t I?  Well, I understood most of it simply because she was that thorough explaining every last detail, with little over two hundred footnotes and references to books, laws, and theories.

TL;DR - Twilight knows more about magic than anything you know about anything.  By a long shot. (Seriously, where did all those botched-spell fics even come from?)

As I tried to contend with the rush of information, I felt Twilight’s hoof rest onto my shoulder.  It was like choking down a dry peanut butter sandwich with my mind.  After a good two minutes of trying, I simply forced my mind to think about ponies to occupy it with something else.  Luckily that seemed to work just fine and I was overjoyed to discover that just the thought of ponies made my life so much easier yet again.  It took another moment to gather my thoughts before accessing the information once more, this time choking the flow of information more fluidly.

The high points were:

1).  It was new.  Never before had such a thing as anti-magic ever existed in Equestria.

2).  It could be overpowered with enough magic to counter balance, but the ratio was staggeringly sided towards the anti-magic.

3).  It was composed of undocumented elements.

“Ow,” I said as my eyes rolled back into my head for a moment, “Twilight, how long have you been out here?”

“About eleven hours,” she answered with bashful smile, looking somewhat ashamed for having done so.

“It shows,” I responded, giving my head a shake to clear it up a bit, “Wow, that’s pretty amazing, to be honest.  Okay, this anti-magic...”

“Inmanipulon,” Twilight corrected with a hopeful smile.

“I’m... I’m not going to call it that, Twilight,” I shook my head with a chuckle, “Anyway, see if you can determine the source of this stuff and I’ll be back to help with speculation and theories.  I can already tell you a couple of these are wrong.  Also, since y'all are gonna be busy, who can I hit up to help me navigate the Everfree Forest?”

“Um, Twilight.  Excuse me, but I got everything you asked for,” I heard a quiet, familiar voice peep up behind me, “I... I’m sorry, am I interrupting?”

It wasn’t even a thought process, really.  Stoic just stepped aside as Lafter barrelled right into my immediate decision making.  I instantly shrieked like a woman and turned to wrap my hooves about Fluttershy’s neck, causing her to seize up like I had thrown cold water on her.  I was shaking all over, and to say that I was out of control was a practice in understating.

“FLUTTERSHY!!” I can’t say I even recognized my voice.

Fluttershy dropped the basket of whatever she was carrying and thankfully did not start flailing in panic (The basket, nor it’s contents were Fluttershy, so I did not care about them).

“N... No-Name, you’re going to give her a heart attack!” Twilight protested, looking rather distraught at my lack of personal space respect.

“I’m so sorry!” my voice became deadly serious.  I didn’t let go, I just kinda stopped all the bouncing and shaking, “Fluttershy.  I apologize.  Do you accept my apology?  I will cry if you say no.”

“W-What?!”  the poor confused pony gasped.  Even ‘er gashps are grasheful~!

“You don’t want me to cry do you?” I pleaded with a whine, sounding extra ridiculous in my opinion.  I know, it was way too much.  I was lost in the moment.  My apologies to everyone.

“N... N-N... N-No?” she stammered eventually.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” I was still hugging her like a champ.

“It’s... It’s... … It’s alright,” she finally muttered, giving a hesitant laugh.

“I’mma let you go.  Don’t run away, please.  I need your help to save the princess.  You want to help save the princess, right?” I begged, struck with the idea that she could be my guide!  Time spent with Fluttershy!  It was like Christmas!  Only 20% co-... You get the idea.

“No-Name!  Stop that this instant!” I heard Twilight cry out at me.  I’m sorry, Twilight, No-Name is not available at the moment.  Please leave your name and number and he’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

“What?!  That’s your name?!” Fluttershy didn’t seem to trust me very much.  And here I was being so nice.

“Help me, Fluttershy!  You’re my only hope!” I urged her.

“I give up!” Twilight finally left me alone.  See, she is a smart girl.

“O-Okay!  I’ll help!” Fluttershy promised, “J-Just let me go!  Please!”

I disengaged from Fluttershy with a squeak-smile (DAMN IT, THERE IT WAS AGAIN!).  She looked quite frazzled, standing at the ready to dodge in case I lost control again.  I sat on my haunches and smiled happily at her before nodding, “Right.  Then we best get going.  Princess Luna needs our help.”

“R-Right now!?” she looked absolutely horrified.

“Yes, of course, ‘R-Right now!’  Princess Luna won’t save herself,” I nodded enthusiastically, “C’mon!”

“But, uh...” she still didn’t trust me!  After all we had been through!  Yeah, I know.  Shut up.

“Twilight, please tell her I’m not dangerous,” I said with a pout.  Man, looking back, even I can say I was acting pretty damn weird.

“Ugh.  Fine.  But only because you actually do need a guide,” Twilight rolled her eyes before looking to Fluttershy, “I know, Fluttershy, he’s quite bizarre, but he’s harmless.  Just don’t stand close to him when he breathes that paper roll of his.  It smells awful.”

Smoke?  Around Fluttershy?  What kind of barbarian did she take me for?

“There you have it, my lovely pink-haired friend!” I exclaimed before hopping back onto the Carriage, “Let’s go be heroes!”

Fluttershy’s jaw dropped a bit as she tried to think of something to say before looking back at Twilight, who was already back to work at the crater.  I gave an encouraging smile, to which she sighed miserably and got onto the cart beside me.

“No-Name,” I heard Twilight call out after me.

“Yes, my pretty purple pony pal?” I smiled over at her, only to grimace at the glare I got in return.

“If anything happens to Fluttershy, you will be held responsible,” she swore to me.  The fire in her eyes kinda made me feel like a small match in comparison.

After recovering from the initial shock, I smiled and nodded, “Of course, Twilight.  Trust me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I let something happen to the kindest pony in both our worlds.”

“I’m just warning y-,” she started to say, cutting her eyes at me.

“Good heavens, look at my wrist, is that the time?  We’d best be going!” I laughed loudly before zipping off, entirely uncomfortable with being on the business end of Twilight’s horn.

Fluttershy was not used to riding, I noted, because she grabbed me in shock, to which she felt even less safe and instantly let go.  I laughed and slowed it down a bit for her, cracking my neck as I let the wind catch my mane.

“So, anyway, here’s the rundown,” I began, nodding quite seriously, “Princess Luna’s pretty unstable right now and she’s in the Everfree Forest waiting to speak to me.  I’ve never been in the Everfree Forest and since you live right on the edge of it, I figured you would know how to navigate it pretty well.”

Fluttershy stared at me for several seconds.  Apparently, my change in attitude was a little sudden for her and after thinking upon my words, she nodded timidly.

“How do you know my name?” she queried me.  Damn it, the track record was so good, nobody had asked that yet!  Fluttershy is the c-c-c-combo breaker!

“It’s uh... It’s complicated,” I started, trying to think up an elaborate ruse.  I could have just said Twilight told me or something, but as I turned to look in those big, questioning turquoise eyes, I’m not sure I could have handled it if she ever found out that I lied to her, “You see, I’m not from this world.  And... I... Ah, hell.”

“What’s ‘hell?’” she asked, tilting her head cutely.

OMG BORDERLINE FLUTTERCUSSING!

“Don’t say that word, Fluttershy, it’s a bad word.” I instantly informed her, internally berating myself out for not having shown some restraint, “I have bad habits, you don’t want to mimic them.”

She looked so chastised, I don’t think I could have yelled at her and got a more intense reaction without her actually running away in tears,”S-S-Sorry.”

“Oh... No. Nononono. Please, do not Fluttercry.  I might not survive that,” I felt weak at whatever you call a pony’s knees.  (Are they just knees?) What had I done?!

“What?” the very word seemed to confluttershy her even more, which thankfully distracted her from her sadness.

“Nothing.  Here’s the truth, Fluttershy, I come from a world where we watch... I guess they’re not just... Whatever, we watch other worlds for entertainment, pleasure, inspiration, education, and a sense of desire to relate to ourselves,” I said with a helpful smirk, “You’re pretty famous where I come from.”

“W... What?!” she looked utterly put out at the thought of being famous again.  Also, she said ‘What’ a lot, “W-Why am I famous?!”

“Because you’re the kindest, cutest, sweetest, soft-hearted pony ever,” I replied with a laugh, smiling at her, “If somepony can’t relate to you, they want to protect you, if they can’t protect you, they want to empower you.  You’re an idol.  When you faced down the dragon, you were inspiring.  When you stared down the cockatrice, you were a hero!  When you... Well, you get the idea.  In short, Fluttershy, you’re pretty awesome.  And I’m sorry about the scare back there with all the hugging.  You’re just that much of a positive influence on a lot of lives.  At least I didn’t pass out this time.  Rainbow Dash just caught me off guard so much.”

Her eyes were about as big as baseballs as she stared at me in awe.  She eventually smiled a bit and looked down, all bashful and adorable.

“I guess... that... that doesn’t sound so... bad, actually,” she murmured, mostly to herself.

“It sure doesn’t,” I confirmed as we neared the edge of the Everfree Forest, “Also, don’t worry about me getting scared or anything.  Where I come from, all animals, plants, and clouds are like the Everfree Forest.”

That seemed to disturb her on a deep level.

I lowered the Sky Carriage just outside the forest and hopped off with a nod, “Alright, let’s rock.”

“We’re um... not going to fly?” she asked as she followed suit.

“Nah, she’ll think it’s Celestia or one of her guards,” I reasoned, “Which is also why I didn’t bother stopping my escort from going on ahead of me.  See, she wants to speak specifically to me.”

“Why is that?” she arched her eyebrow.

“Because she did something silly, and I’m quite possibly the only person... Or... pony, whatever... that can relate to the knowledge she now holds.  Well, at least the only one in Equestria,” I began to make tracks, already wanting a cigarette, “Lead on, Yellow-One.  My first guess is the ruins that used to house the Elements of Harmony!”

We continued to make small talk as we entered the forest.  She mostly pointed out the flora and fauna, letting me know what was safe and what wasn’t.  She also gave her opinions on what was cute, which was just about everything that wasn’t absolutely horrendous (in which case it was still ‘nice’).  Luckily, The Nightmare didn’t pull a load of hijinks trying to slow us down or something, since that would have just made me want a cigarette even more.  As we got further in, the sky itself seemed to darken.  I went to check my phone for the time before rolling my eyes, remembering I didn’t have it anymore!  

Also, news flash, either the Everfree Forest isn’t that big, or Fluttershy is an amazing guide.  Either way, it did not take us long to make it to that chasm right before the Ruins of the Ancient Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters (Yeah, I’m not making that name up.).   The rope bridge was still intact, it seemed, so I just walked right across.  Fluttershy (amazingly) elected to fly alongside me, causing me to wonder if she had toughened up just a little.  The answer to that unspoken question is no.  She had not.  For when the skies began to thunder and a certain annoying purple cloud zipped right on past us, her wings shut right up.

“Fluttershy!” I gave a shout as I leaned over the rail to catch her tail with my mouth.  Despite all evidence to the contrary, Fluttershy is not as light as a butterfly, or even a hundred butterflies.  In fact, she weighs just as much as a pony should!  Which I was barely able to hold onto without falling off the bridge myself, “Fra’ ‘or ‘ings!”

Her response was to flail in a panic.  Apparently, Rainbow Dash was not kidding when she said that was Fluttershy’s answer to everything back in that dress episode.  I mean, my heart goes out to the poor thing and all, but this was seriously starting to wear on my jaw.

“Frap!  ‘or!  ‘ings!” I ordered as hard as I could through the pink fluffy tail.

That’s when I heard Luna scream from inside the ruins.  Oh.  Dear.  God.  I did NOT want to have to make a choice here.

“FRUDDERSHY!” I gave her tail a jerk to try and get her attention, “‘OU ‘AFF TO FRY!  PRINTESS ROONA ISH IN DROUBUL!”

I can only hope that she just couldn’t understand what I was saying and not simply letting her fear control her so completely.  Luckily, it didn’t matter for that was when that blessed blue idiot showed up trailing a streak of lightning behind him.  Captain Tas... Storm Wing.  Yeah, he’s not so bad, I’ll admit.  He flew beneath Fluttershy and reached out his hooves to take hold of her.

“C’mere, sweetheart,” he said reassuringly.  Fluttershy attached herself to him like she’d never let go in a million years, trembling like a self-playing maraca.  He looked up at me as he strained a tad with his new passenger, “Human, The Nightmare is headed this way.”

“It’s already here,” I called back as I turned to dash away, “Get her out of here, it may already be too late!  And warn Princess Celestia!”

I heard him call out after a moment’s hesitation, “Don’t bother coming back without the Princess!”

“Cross my heart and hope to fly!” I stuck my tongue back out at him before looking back ahead of me.

Yeah.  Heroics.  I’m stupid like that.

I barrelled towards the wooden entrance and turned it into ash with a bit of firebreath, before tearing up the grassy atrium behind it, still galloping as fast as I possibly could.  As I looked outside, I noticed the sky began to brighten somewhat again, and that the thunder had entirely stopped.  Running up the stairs to that final tower, I could hear The Nightmare scream out in frustration and rage.  Luna was fighting back, it seemed.  I was hoping that she was beating the evil out of that damn cloud.

Remember when I said I had no stamina?  I wasn’t lying.  By the time I made it up all those damn stairs to the farthest tower, I was sweating from pores I didn’t even know I had and doing a fine impression of Twilight Sparkle from the day before.  So much for heroics.  I finally stumbled out the last few steps into the Hall of Harmony (totally made that one up!) and looked to see Luna and The Nightmare standing off like the start of a round of Street Fighter or something.

“Whoo~!” I cried out, happy that I wasn’t too late.  Not sure why, it wasn’t as though I was going to do anything besides pull out a cigarette and sit my tired plot down, “That... … I am so... *huff*  out of shape.”

“It’s the beast!” The Nightmare spat in its spooky formless voice.

Luna was staring at me as though she couldn’t decide if she was happy to see me or not.

I lit my cigarette and wiped my brow, “I was... *gasp* scared I wouldn’t be... *wheeze* in time.  You okay, L.... Luna?”

“After what you’ve done to her?!” The Nightmare laughed, “What a question!”

“Sorry, I... I was speaking,” I gulped a bit after my first drag, starting to ease somewhat, “To Luna.  Not... the cliche villain with... its cheesy lines.  Hush and let the... *cough~!* big ponies talk!”

Luna glared a bit, her gaze switching between the both of us.  She gave a shudder all over before suddenly snapping aloud at no one in particular, “I’m... I’m not okay!  I c-can’t... even think s-s-straight!”

“I’m kinda... surprised you can think at all,” I admitted with a nod, “Rainbow Dash is obviously... not the Iron Pony after all.”

“Princess Luna, do not let his soothing words sway you from what you know you must do!” The Nightmare spoke urgently, “Together you and I can accomplish just that.”

“Oh, brother... If... I don’t have a heart attack first,” I said, holding a hoof over my chest, still panting rather hard as I rolled my eyes, “I think the cliche... might kill me.”

“Shut up!” they both shouted at me in stereo.

“‘Mkay,” I nodded, taking another puff.

“I c-can’t trust you, Ni-Ni... … Nightmare,” she turned to the mist and glared, still quaking all over, “I know that much after a th-thou-thousand years.”

“But you also know I am no human!” it reasoned, starting to slowly float her way, “You know what they will do should they find their way here as we found them!  Look at what its done to you!”

I snorted mirthfully, shaking my head.  I know I played a part in it, but I know Luna wasn’t stupid enough to discount her own accountability in the matter.

“That’s far e... enough Nightmare!  And y-you!” she turned to me, “W-Wuh-Why did you lie to me!?”

I hung my head a bit, sighing softly, “Just... trying to protect you... And all the other ponies.  There’s a lot of things that take place where I come from that I’m not entirely proud of.”

“You see!?” that annoying mist bellowed, “Even the beast can not deny its own race’s corruption!”

So then I stood back up and took off the kiddy gloves.

“Honestly?  I mean, really?  You’re trying to sell to Luna that you’re the lesser of two evils?  You?  The fiend that poisoned her mind for a thousand years,” I’d heard enough of this bullshit.

“You have d-,” it started to say before I continued as though I weren’t listening (I really wasn’t, actually.).

“You, that tried to overthrow the throne the very minute you broke free!” I snapped, cantering a few steps forward and taking a drag off my Mareboro.

“It was for the greater good!” it responded, almost so quickly as though it had heard this argument before.

“And despite all that, you’re the pot calling the kettle black?!” I barked out, pulling the smoke from my mouth and using it to point at the Nightmare, “You’re literally the very IDEA of what ponies think of when they think of evil!  And you’re trying to tell us that you’re not so bad?  That I’m the fiend here?”

“You are!” it didn’t sound so certain all of a sudden.  And it was quite aware that we could tell.

“That me, the guy who really has no stake in this world and is rushing to Luna’s aide in her time of need, is the ‘Beast,’ here?” I yelled as I dropped my cigarette onto the ground and crushed it with a fiery stomp, “Are you even listening to what you’re saying?”

“Silence!  Silence, you monster!” it repeated over and over, trying to cut me off.

“Are you even sentient enough to know what sort of drivel it is that you’re spouting!?” I shouted above its protests, “Are you even aware?”

“I... SILENCE!” it began to pulse in frustration before starting to move at me, “NO MORE, YOU UNNATURAL ABOMINATION!”

“Or are you just a base incarnation of destruction and entropy that will grasp at any straw it can find?” I implored, snorting flame and cutting an accusatory glare at The Nightmare, “Perhaps I’m wrong but let’s flip this coin!  Perhaps you’re just seeing what I COULD become!  Perhaps you’re seeing me become YOU!  Perhaps it is YOU that is the unnatural one here!”

“RAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!  ENOUGH!” It suddenly dove at me, “I BROUGHT YOU TO THIS WORLD!  AND I WILL REMOVE YOU FROM IT!”

Now, fillies and gentlecolts, I was very interested in where this was going.  I dove right back at it, ready to throwdown like a champ.  I swear, I think being a fire pony just brought the violent side out of me.  I did not get my chance, however, for Luna blasted The Nightmare away with a big beam of light that looked potent enough to knock chunks out of a bulldozer.  The Nightmare screamed out as it was thrown against the wall, where it was then pinned thanks to Luna’s next spell.  It looked... like a blue strobe-light, really.  Anti-Nightmare Flashy spell;  Very handy.

“Y-Yuh... You lied t-to me... A-And I... W-Was almost ssstupid enough t-to-to trust yuh... you again!” she brokenly yelled at The Nightmare as it began to take form and audibly strain against the light.  Surprisingly enough, it slowly shaped into the armor that Nightmare Moon had worn, only there was nothing wearing it, “You d... d... did bring him huh-here!  You s-seh-said they w... were conspir-ring against Equest... Equestria!”

The disembodied armor began to laugh, still occasionally groaning against Luna’s spell, “Yes, Princess Luna.  I... I brought him here.  All it takes is one.  I chose even one of the str... stronger, kinder ones.”

Thanks, I guess?

“Why?” I asked, stepping closer as my eyes strained against the light.

“It takes only one,” it replied, still laughing weakly, “Just one.  And Equestria will crumble.  Less... than two days since your arrival and... You’ve c... corrupted the Princess.  How much more proof does... one even need?”

“I d-did it to muh-myself!” she argued, stamping a hoof and empowering the flickering light.

“The wa... way does not matter,” cracks began to appear in the armor, causing it to whimper somewhat, “Aaah!  I f... finally have my r... revenge!”

“You h-have nothing!” Luna cried, strengthening the spell’s potency further yet, “This isss... is the end, Nightmare!”

“You... Only... Bring... Proof to my words!” the cracks began to cover the armor as the spell began to slowly break it apart.

Like a brick, it hit me that it was right.  Luna was going to destroy The Nightmare.  I don’t know to this day whether or not I made the right decision, but I rushed over and knocked Luna over with a shove of my hooves, disrupting the spell.  The Nightmare took advantage of its life-saving liberty and sped out the closest window into the Everfree Forest.

“What ah-are you d-doing?!” Luna shrieked at me, jumping up and shoving me as I had done her.

“Stopping you from doing something you might regret later,” even though that was the exact reason I had done so, my words sounded pretty hollow.

“T-That w... was muh-my decision to make!” she turned and gave me a buck to the chin.  I am so very abused.  Not certain, but I’m pretty sure I deserved it all.

“Ow,” I answered, not sure what else to say.  

Luna suddenly gasped, realizing what she had done and covered her mouth with a hoof as she looked back at me.  It was a blow to the heart to see her start to tear up as she fell back on her haunches and shut her eyes.

“I’ll be okay,” I promised her, walking around to sit down in front of her, “Seriously, I’ve had worse.  And I understand.  It’s fine.”

“It’s not fuh-fine!” she hollered, breaking down into a sob, “What h-have I duh... done to myself!?”

I reached out a hoof and set it on her shoulder, “You bit the proverbial fruit of knowledge.  And it’s messing with you.  But it’s not the end of the world.  Yours or mine.”

“I j-just h... hit you,” she lowered her head as her tears began to drip onto the dank stone floor, “I... I n-never hit any... anypony before!  And I... I almost k... k...”

“Yeah.  You almost did,” I nodded, smiling at her before lifting up her chin to look at me, “And I stopped you.  Intentions or not, it didn’t happen.  You can’t be punished for something you didn’t do.  And you don’t even hit as hard as my big sister, so I don’t think that lovetap counts either.”

She gave another sob as I wiped her tears away with a hoof.  Not sure how a hoof does that, but it did, “Y-Yuh... You are s... so s-stupid.”

“God, if I only had a dollar every time I heard that,” I reminisced, smirking at her.

Her sobs were interrupted with a laugh (I felt pretty damn good about that, actually.  I kid you not, that was up there with brohoofing Dash.).  She looked back down for a moment and sniffled a bit before wiping at her nose.

“What was it like?” I asked, knowing she would know exactly what I was referencing.

“Too much,” she shook her head, “I’m th... t-tens of thousands of years old.  Hundreds of t... thousands couldn’t have prepared me.  I... It was like reading a billion books at once... In a t... thousand d... d-different languages.  I wa... wasn’t even... Ugh... I h-hate s... stuttering!”

“It’s kinda cute, actually,” I stuck my tongue out at her.

Wrong joke!  She hoofed me right in the shoulder hard enough to knock me onto my back as I laughed.  Celestia, I’m sorry; your healing spell was for naught.

“Y... You’re s... so happy!” she snarled, turning away from me as I sat back up with a chuckle, “How... How i-is that p... p... possible?”

“Luna, my silly filly,” I said as I pulled out another cigarette with a smile, “I told your sister something along these lines.  Where I come from, bad things happen.  All the time.  This may sound bad, but think along the lines of a stroke and what that does to people.  That’s rough stuff.  This?  Yeah, it’s rough.  And it’s going to change your life.  But you gotta take the good with the bad and only let the good get to you.  Like a good/bad filter.”

Luna coughed a bit, clearing up the last of her tears as she glared at me out of the corner of her eyes, “I s... still think y-you’re stupid.  Nameless jerk.”

“Yeah, well,” I nodded in consensus before lighting my cigarette, “I’m still the coolest human you’ve ever met.”

She rolled her eyes, not able to keep herself from smirking, “That’s really h-how you f-face it.  Juh-just... block out the bad stuff.”

“More or less,” I gave a shrug, “I mean, don’t ignore it like it isn’t there.  You still have to face it.  Just don’t let it affect you.  You’ll always be the one in control.  Always keep in mind, the more crap you let roll around in your head, the more it will get to you.”

“S... simple as that,” she scoffed, shaking her head as if to say I was crazy.  Like so very many ponies before her.

“Eh... It’s slightly more nuanced than that, I admit,” I took a drag with a so-so wave of my hoof, “But it only gets easier with time.”

“Like antivirus for the b-brain,” she suggested.

“More like a feel-good firewall,” I joked a little, doing the famous pony-shrug.

“A firewall?” she seemed to think a bit, as if trying to remember what that meant, “Yeah.  F-Firewall.”

“Uh, yeah,” I nodded, arching an eyebrow, “That’s what I said.”

“Well, we s-should get back to C-Canterlot,” she said before pausing and tossing a wink my way, “Firewall.”

I winced as I realized what she had just done.  Pinkie Pie was going to be so completely devastated when she later discovered that she didn’t get to name me after all.

Chapter Four!                                                                                Chapter Six!

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Six:  Chapter Hard With A Vengeance

For Equestria!  And for Celestia!

Author’s Notes:  Vacation was great!  Thanks for all the birthday wishes everypony!  Now we should be back to a semi-regular schedule again.  I hope.  XP  Anyway, Ice Storm has been inspired by Wrek to do some digital art and there was an early attempt made that I’ll show you soon!  I’ll miss the newspaper style stuff if he sticks to this, but I will say, I love this just as much!  I’ll include that in the next chapter.  For now, you get to see Wrek’s AMAZING Storm Wing.  I love Storm Wing, to be honest.  Maybe more than Firewall.  He’s like that badass blind old samurai or something.  Regardless.  Be awestruck!

“Firewall,” Luna asked me as we walked out of the... Y’know what, I’m not going to write that ridiculously long name out (Fine!  The Ruins Of The Castle Of The Royal Pony Sisters), “I’m a l-little w... worried.”

“You’re gonna stick with that one, eh?” I confirmed my name before looking at her, arching an eyebrow, “What’s up?”

“I’m j-just... wonde...wondering,” she murmured as we approached that damnable bridge, “Things aren’t g-going to be the s... same for me, obviously.  What about Eqweh... Equestria?”

I shook my head and sat back before shrugging, “Get out of my head, girl.”

I glanced at her, my mood becoming a tad overcast as she realized she wasn’t the only one following that line of thought.  For those that aren’t keeping up, let me put things into perspective.  Luna had acquired the knowledge of a civilization.  Not just a mind, not just a genius, not just a university, not just a multi-level library, but rather the culmination of Modern Earth’s ideas, culture, laws, and so very much more.  And she not only lived through it, but she was functioning.  Her mind was a little frayed at the edges, to be sure, but she was still thinking quite clearly.

All in all, it came down to just what she did and didn’t have access to, how she accessed it, and how all that affected her.  There was no questioning she was going to go through some serious changes whether or not she liked it.  The big question was how that was going to affect Equestria.

“Let’s worry about it later, alright?” I countered her, pulling out a cigarette and walking onto the bridge, “How about you?  How are you holding up, Luna?”

“Princess Luna,” I heard that damnable jackpony shout as he landed at the edge of the bridge, “Learn a sense of propriety and respect, human.”

“C-Captain Storm Wuh... Wing,” Luna narrowed her eyes a bit, “If you’re heh... here, then so is...”

Celestia’s (Awesome) Sky Carriage (Of Awesomeness) swept in down beside him whilst carrying the Sun Princess herself.  Not sure how she got her hooves on it since I had left it at the edge of the forest.  Also, to clear the air, this wasn’t that stupid air chariot pulled by the air-schlepping pegasus brigade.  Just imagine a sleek white open-front carriage that you lean back into.  Bleh, descriptions.  Anyway, she stepped from the chariot before rushing to us as we disembarked from the bridge.

“Luna,” she was barely restraining herself from happy tears, “You are alright.”

“Yeah, I didn’t have to lift a hoof, either,” I announced, chuckling, “She chased The Nightmare off all on her own.”

Luna kicked my flank with a back hoof (Firebuse!), “Don’t listen to F-Firewall, he’s trying to be modest and stupid.  If he hadn’t talked some sense into me and truh-tricked The Nightmare, I might have done something fuh... foalish.  Ag-...Again.  ”

Apparently, I’m just never going to get what I want.

“Firewall?” Celestia blinked as I rubbed the offending spot. “That’s your name?  You got around to that, did you?”

“No, Luna did,” I clarified, giving Luna a smirk as I did so, “She didn’t even ask my permission.”

“Princess L-” Storm Wing started to say before he was interrupted.

“Shut up,” Luna and I stereo’d at him.

Celestia eyed the two of us before looking at Luna and nodding, “We must talk.  Let’s get to Canterlot.  No-Nam... Firewall, Twilight Sparkle has requested your presence in Ponyville.  I’ll have Storm Wing escort you out of the forest.”

I sighed miserably just as Storm Wing inhaled deeply, as though to prepare himself for a rather arduous task.  I mean, we were still semi-cool with each other, but that didn’t mean we looked forward to spending time in the same world as one another.

“Really, Celestia, that’s not necessary,” I said as I decided that cigarette in my mouth was going to be need to be lit very soon, “I can find my way there on my own.”

“Very well,” she said with a nod, “Then in that case, we will be on our w-.”

“No,” Luna interrupted, “Twilight c-can come to Canterlot wuh-... with her findings.”

All eyes turned to Luna.  I mean, sure there was nothing wrong with Twilight going to Canterlot, it was more the fact that Luna was pretty much vetoing Celestia.  I mean, it was so bluntly stated that she could have simply yelled ‘OBJECTION!’ and still pretty much got the same response.

“Why do you say that?” Celestia asked.

“Luna?” I tilted my head, forgetting entirely about the cigarette in my mouth.

“Just... I’d feel s-safer if you wuh-wuh... w-weren’t far away.  I’m not s-sure what I’m dealing with yet,” Luna pleaded almost timidly, “P-Please, Tia.  Let him come with us.”

Celestia stared at Luna for several seconds, not speaking.  Luna stared back, her eyes somewhat imploring.  It was like there was this huge conversation going on that I wasn’t part of!  And that was somewhat vexing, if I were to be perfectly honest about my feelings on the matter, seeing as how I was the subject matter.

“I will not order him,” Celestia finally said, stepping back onto the Carriage with a soft smile in my direction, “He is free to make his own choice.  If you would like him to come with us, you should ask him.”

Luna looked at me as I lit the cigarette.  I saw it coming, though.  I looked away, avoiding the pouting whine that she was starting to rev up, “Yes, Luna, I’ll go.  Don’t you dare use those big sad eyes of yours.”

“Really?” I looked back at her and instead of using big sad eyes, she used big happy ones.  Just as bad in a different way.  It was like staring into the happy abyss or something to that affect.  Big happy pools of d’aww that struck the extra happy place deep within the cockles of your heart.  Maybe below the cockles.

“I just said I would,” I looked back at her with a smirk, “So whatever, Twilight can come to us, right?  Storm, you wanna deliver that message?  No doubt it sounds better than having to escort my charming plot around.”

Storm Wing chuckled, “I don’t take orders from you, but... I admit, it sounds much better than having to breathe that foul air you give off.”

“See, we are getting along so well,” I said with a faux cry of happiness before cantering over to him, “C’mere, I think we need to bring it in for some bromance.”

Storm Wing gave a flap of his wings and lifted off with a roll of his eyes, “Not going to happen.  Whatever that is.”

Luna giggled a bit as Celestia gave an interrupting cough, “It’s settled then.  Captain Storm Wing, I would indeed appreciate your willingness on this matter.”

“Your word is all I need, Princess,” he replied before zipping off in a bolt of lightning.

I chuckled as I took a drag, “He’s pretty dedicated to you, ain’t he, Celestia?”

“He’s certainly earned his long life.  No other pony before him has been as invaluable nor as steadfast.  Except perhaps his father.  Still, I am lucky to count him among my ponies,” she agreed with a smirk before hopping back onto the carriage, her eyes staring pensively at the pegasus fading in the distance, “I merely wish... …Nevermind, let us depart.”

With that, we boarded the Sky Carriage and took off into the wild blue yonder.  I let my cigarette hang off the side to avoid getting it on the girls.  It didn’t even occur to me this entire time that I was somehow holding that cigarette with a hoof.  Must have been that whole magic-hooves thing Twilight was talking about.

It took a good hour to get back to Canterlot.  I really have no clue how this place works, because it didn’t even take us an hour to get there on foot with Fluttershy.  Oh well.  I’ve just stopped trying by this point, okay?  I hopped off the Sky Carriage and pulled out another cigarette, just to have it taken away from me by Luna’s unicorn magic.

“You n-need to stuh... stop smoking so much,” she explained with an accusing glare.

I stuck my tongue out at her and pulled out another one (pack still full!), only to have it taken as well.

“Luna, I don’t make threats,” I warned as I pulled out yet a third cigarette, not as amused.  Not that I would have actually done anything, but hey, I can bluff, right?

“Luna, leave him be, it’s his choice to do as he likes,” Celestia pointed out as she dismissed the Carriage, “Give those back to him.”

“Nope,” she shook her head, “These are har-ha... harmful and he needs to q-quit.”

HAHAHA-NO! … I’ve still never hit a pony other than Blueblood, but really, I don’t think he counts as a pony.  Maybe more of a horse’s ass?  Yeah, that sounds right.  Also, Storm Wing doesn’t count because I NEVER LANDED A SINGLE HIT ON HIS EVASIVE PLOT! So screw Captain Storm Wing!  The only girls I’ve hit were sisters that were bigger than me so lashing out at Luna would be a big change in my life.  Change that I didn’t want, to be honest.  I mean, it was nothing but a huge bluff, but I still gave her a dangerous glare as I lit the third Mareboro.

“Please duh... don’t?” she implored me, turning on those AWFUL EYES OF SORROW AND HEART WRENCHING PAIN!  What was it about ponies that made them so expressive?!  Haven’t they ever heard of a poker face?

“But... Do you realize just how much of a edgy monster I would become without these?” it was like staring at a Mack truck bearing down on you.  Only the damage would be psychological.  And worse.

“I d-don’t think you would ever hurt me,” she said coyly, sticking her tongue out at me.

That’s when I got the first big red flag.  And I knew what it meant.  For a moment, time froze and I raced through the avenues, possibilities, and outcomes.  The answer was no.  For those of you not picking up on this subtext, don’t worry.  It’ll become much more apparent in the future, I’ve no doubt.

“Nope,” I confirmed with a shake of my head and looked away, taking a drag, “But I’m also not going to take the risk of losing my cool.  You know what a temperamental human can do, right?  We’re avoiding that.  You’ll just have to learn to Love and Tolerate.  Anyway, I’ll be in the garden, I need to get some time to clear my head.  Besides, you two need to talk, right?  Right.  Peace!”

I left them both there without another word.  I could feel their eyes on me, to be sure.  Didn’t know how they were looking at me, whether with suspicion, sadness, or irritation, I just knew they were.  It didn’t take me but a few moments to make it to the garden, where a nearby spider monkey screeched at me for smoking around his home.  I ignored the primate, sighing to myself as I thought about the indigo alicorn and what she was thinking.  Being a smart fellow (though you may have doubts about that by now), I am actually quite observant when it comes to studying the actions of another.  I’m no psychologist (I considered going into the field, actually), but I know a flirt when I saw one.

The general consensus of my gut feelings consisted of ‘Not Cool,’ which I agreed with.

I didn’t get to think on the matter for long, however.  My thoughts were suddenly overcome with an intrusion.  A chaotic, painful, malevolent intrusion.  I stumbled up against the nearest tree before  falling against the very bench I had slept on the night before and using it to brace myself up.  It was like having the worst hangover while still being extremely drunk.  At first, I thought I was simply under attack and fought back at it, knowing it’s source to be external.  Then I remembered the spell I had used to force out The Nightmare and tried it here.  It didn’t work entirely, but I was definitely much better off, the majority of the pain and imbalance having subsided.

~You’re not from here, are you?~

It’s official.  I can now safely say to everyone that I am now nucking futs.  I wasn’t absolutely certain when I arrived in Ponyville, I wasn’t entirely sure when I figured out how to pull stuff out of a random dimensional pocket, but now that I am hearing voices, I think we can take it to the bank that I am completely insane.  It didn’t take as long as I thought it would, oddly enough.  I just hated the part where it had to hurt so very, very much.  I mean, I can already say that I’m a lot tougher having been in Equestria for all of two and a half days.

~I can tell you’re different.  It’s been ages since I’ve felt a presence like yours.~

Might as well play along, right?  I mean, I’ve lost it anyway, right?  I ‘thought’ back at it rather irritably, wondering why my insanity had to involve so much agony and effort.

~Great, I hope it’s a thrill.  Now I’d appreciate you knocking off whatever it is you’re doing.~

~The Equestrians can’t even tell when I try to speak to them.  They can not hear me (Lucky them!) but you can.  Please, forgive my overeager reaction.  I am thrilled to discover you’re here.  Someone to speak to... It’s just been so long.  More than years... maybe more than centuries.~

Well, I wouldn’t want to speak to some disembodied voice that caused me great amounts of pain, either!  Still, I remained cordial.

~I see.  So... What, you wanna play twenty questions or something?~

Maybe not entirely cordial.

~What?~

Look out, everypony!  We’ve got a real breadwinner here!

~What do you want, is what I’m saying.~

~I just... wanted to talk.~

Great.  Managing the residual pain was doable, but that didn’t mean that I was enjoying it.

~Well, we’re definitely doing that, now aren’t we.~

~You’re somewhat hostile.~

‘No!  Ya think?’ I wanted to shout at him/her/it, restraining myself out of politeness only.  Yeah, that’s right.  Even in agony, I’m a sweetheart.  Remember when I said zen master with cigarettes on hand?  That wasn’t a joke.  Unless you laughed.

~Your little chat is literally causing me agony.  Yeah, I’m somewhat put off by that.  Here, let me bludgeon your face as we socialize, that should even things up a bit.  It’ll be great subject matter, too!  Where are you, I’ll be right over!~

Suddenly the remaining pain and dizziness was gone like the flip of a switch.  I’m not sure why he/she/it didn’t do that much sooner, but I was certainly glad he/she/it found the time to get around to doing so.

~I’m sorry.  Is that better?~

~Worlds better, actually.  So who am I speaking to?~

~I can’t remember my original name.~

Now we have just ventured into predictably cryptic and annoyingly confusing.  Next thing you know it’ll be asking me to seek it out with three magical items that come with their very own boss monsters.

~Wha?~

~Find me.  We must speak in privacy.~

Aww, buck me!

~Because my brain’s not private at all.~

~Our words are hidden, but my presence is not.  Find me!~

~Well, unless you’re in the bathroom or something, I doubt I’m going to just stumble across you.  Where do I find you?  I swear, if you give me a cryptic video game answer or tell me to hunt down some stupid artifacts, I’m going to go put on caramelldansen and drown your ass out!~

Now this may strike you as silly, but I had just realized something about me and the bathroom and just in case this is like one of those things, I’m not going to point it directly out.  You know... Don’t pick at it?  Because you might ruin a good thing?  Yeah, like one of those.  I’m not taking the risk.

~What is... Never mind.  I will bring you answers soon!  I must go!~

~Whatever!  Y’all come back now, y’hear?~

Whatever it was, it cut contact.  I wasn’t looking forward to round two, especially if the usual greeting involved a half-gallon-of-vodka-binge-night level migraine.  I wiped away the sweat that had been building up before crawling onto the bench and sighing softly.  Equestria:  Never a dull moment.  I looked up at the sky, noticing that it was pretty late in the evening.  I almost reached for my phone again, only to stop halfway this time and pout.  Rather than have an internal rant about that, though, I simply let my mind wander as I got more comfortable.  Eventually, this led to me passing out like a champ, only to be awoken some time later by a soft poke of the horn.

“Five more minutes, Mom,” I groaned as I rolled off the bench, flopping onto the soft grass with a yawn.  In all actuality, it was very intentional, I just didn’t want to get to my hooves like a non-lazy person/pony would do.  Now this may come as a shock, but my first thought was to get a cigarette.  I know, it’s a stretch but try to wrap your mind around it.

“What?” I heard Twilight Sparkle say as I looked up.  Once again, she was gazing at me like I was a candidate for the loony bin.  Recurring theme is recurring.

“What?” I replied, taking a drag from my cigarette in an attempt to recover some cool.  It wasn’t very effective.

“You said, ‘Five more minutes, Mom,’” she said with a hesitant laugh, “I’m not... Um... Are you okay?”

“No!” I jumped up to my feet/hooves and shook my head angrily, “There is so much wrong going on!”

“Oh?” Twilight said with a laugh, “I hate to bring bad news, but there is more.”

“Twili-hi-hi-hight!” I gave a whiny sob of despair, “I can’t take any more bad news!”

“Oh, this isn’t that bad, I suppose,” she replied, “Just that Fluttershy came back with that really scary looking pegasus you were with, Storm Wing he said his name was.  She was so frightened that I had to take her home and when I did, I returned to find all the Inmanipulon gone!”

“The what?” I knew what she was talking about.  I just didn’t want her to use that silly name she had created for it.

“The anti-magic,” she replied sardonically, “It was gone.”

“Great,” I sighed, “I can’t help but feel that’s going to come bite us in the a... haunches later.”

“I hope not,” she commented with a grimace before perking up as she remembered something, “Storm Wing said you finally got your name!”

“That jackpony ruins surprises as well as my life, I see,” I huffed before taking another puff off my cigarette, “But yes, Luna named me Firewall.  I’m aware that Pinkie might explode in a jealous rage.  Getting the pink off everything will be quite the task.”

Twilight laughed, “Perhaps.  I think she was more concerned for you more than wanting to actually name you.”

“You just speculated on Pinkie Pie’s actions, so now you get to be the crazy one,” I pointed out with a sigh.

“Oh.  Right,” she looked rather deflated, as if disappointed with herself, “So... How did things go with Luna?”

Twilight was a smart pony, right?  I could confide in her, right?  I started to let her know about a certain red flag before remembering ‘SPIKE HAS A CRUSH ON RARITY!’ and ceasing all thought in that direction.

“Pretty good.  Did you hear about what she did?” I queried, still feeling a twinge of guilt on the subject.

“I did, but I’m not sure I understand the implications.  What does it mean?” she asked, biting her bottom lip with worry.

“Well, like a Double Rainbow, Twilight, I just don’t know what it means,” I gave a sigh, “I mean, quite frankly, we’re just going to have to wait and see.  Oh, what did you think about the spell I used on your book?”

“Oh, right, that.  I’ve never seen that spell before!  I’ve never even read anything like it!” Twilight was somewhat impressed, staring at me in awe, “Where did you learn it?”

“Princess Luna showed me how!  We can try it out for you!” I suggested, happy to think and talk about brighter subjects, “C’mon, let’s find a magazine or something!”

“A what?” she asked as I led the way back into the castle.

“Ponies don’t have magazines?  Lame,” I announced, sighing as we trotted over to the library, “Well, at least you know the Replication Spell, otherwise we would have to destroy the book in the process.”

“I suppose so,” she said with a chuckle, “So how does this actually work?”

And then we proceeded to take turns burning books.  Twilight mastered the damn thing on the first try and did so without so much as a wince.  Turns out there wasn’t much Twilight didn’t already know about everything written down, so we went over to fiction instead.  Ponies had loads of awesome stories, in case you had not guessed.  It was all so happy and family friendly and heart warming.  Even the stuff written by Edgar Allan Pony (I’m starting to think Earth and Equestria are harmoniously linked by now.  I mean, c’mon.  Edgar Allan Pony?) was pretty nice, though often bittersweet.  We must have sunk hours into this activity before we were finally caught, laughing loudly at the musings of a rather comically inclined inventor and philosopher.  I think he was the pony version of Benjamin Franklin.  And if you don’t think Franklin was a funny guy, here’s a famous quote of his: “Beer is proof that God loves man and wants him to be happy.”

“I hope that’s just you two doing something stupid and the royal library isn’t actually on fire,” Storm Wing announced as he entered, followed shortly by both the princesses and a couple of royal guards carrying water buckets.

“Twilight Sparkle, what is going on in here?” Celestia was quite aghast, utterly mortified to see all the burned books on the floor and tables.  I’m not sure how many books we went through, but I’m pretty sure we passed fifty, most of which were terribly silly.  So between the two of us, there were at least one hundred piles of ashes all over the place.

“Y-You were using the Extraction Spuh-Spell!” Luna gasped happily as she cantered over to us, “Wow, you t... ...two must have been hard at i-it!  How m-many did you absorb?”

“Several dozen?  Oh!  Luna!” I suddenly found my opportunity to get Luna acquainted with some new friends, “This is...”

”Twilight Sparkle!  Y-Yes, she freed me fruh-from The Nightmare!,” she interrupted me with a nod, “And thanks to your phone, I know muh-more about her than she’s likely c-comfortable wuh-w... wi-... … Aggh!”

She stamped her pony hoof in frustration, still not used to stuttering.  Adorable, to be sure.  I couldn’t help but snicker and mimic her a bit, earning an amused glare from the alicorn in return.

“You were destroying library books with the Extraction Spell?” Celestia had not lost her cool just yet, but said cool might as well be getting ready to file a change-of-address with the local post office because that pony did not look happy.

“N-No!” Twilight stammered, blushing with shame “I created a spell to uh... to recreate the books first!  That way we could absorb the books and not destroy the originals!  But uh... … We did make... quite a mess.  I’m sorry, Princess.”

“We’ll clean it up!” I offered helpfully, smiling innocently.

Celestia was relieved, having discovered that she didn’t lose a hundred-plus books to stupid playful ponies, “Very well... Just... please see what you can do about the mess.  Spotless, if you please.”

Twilight, now encouraged, stood up straight and with a wave of her horn, created a small tornado that sucked up all the ashes and funnelled them out the nearest window (I’m starting to think she has a spell for everything.  Yes, even that!).  Using a little unicorn levitation, we put the books back in just a few moments, turning back to smile brightly at our audience.

“Showoffs,” Captain Jackpony remarked.

“Give me a break, Sparky!  You’re the one with all the flashy lightning!” I accused, pointing a hoof at him in an... accusing way, I suppose.

“Uh huh.  You’re the attention horse,” he countered with a smirk.

“I am not!  I just like it when people look at me.  And you can’t even look at me, so I don’t like you,” it was a low blow, to be sure, but he’s a big pony and he can take it.  I admit, I was a little relieved to see him chuckle.  I don’t really enjoy offending people, but I do love to take the humor right there to the edge of what’s acceptable, because that edge often houses the best content!

“Ah, I suppose this had to be done eventually.  Storm Wing, Firewall, you’re both grounded, go to your rooms,” Celestia commanded with a mirthful roll of her eyes.  This, oddly enough, caused Storm Wing to look unreasonably ashamed.  Definitely something going on there.

“But Moooom~!” I whined, happy to play along, “He started i-...”

“I t-think I’ve slipped into the Twilight Zone,” Luna groaned, resisting the urge to laugh.  Trust me, I can tell when I’m making people laugh.  I really can’t think of an activity that pleases me more.

“The what?” Twilight tilted her head in confusion, causing me to laugh uncontrollably as I realized just how confusing that sounded to the poor purple pony.

“N-Nothing,” Luna answered with a blush, remembering that I was the only one that would get that reference.

“Well, if there are no more fires in my castle tonight, I will bid everypony a good night,” she announced with a smile.

“Rest well, Princess,” Storm Wing bowed very formally, bringing a smile from her as she turned to leave.

I was about to ask Storm Wing what his deal was with Celestia and if he was just that stiff around the brass, but I was interrupted by an extremely loud and unladylike yawn from Twilight “OP” Sparkle.  I reared up to applaud for a few seconds.  It was rather impressive, to be honest.

“Sorry about that,” Twilight chuckled a bit nervously, blushing as she rubbed at her bleary eyes, “I got up really early today to do lots of research.  I’m beat.”

“Go sleep, silleh filleh,” I nodded, “You’ve earned a long rest.”

“Yes.  C-Captain Storm Wing, please esc... escort Miss Twilight to her old quarters here in Canterlot,” Luna politely ordered, smiling at Twilight with what seemed to be admiration.  Luna must have discovered the series by now.  That’s a typical reaction for most MLP: FIM watchers.  Twilight’s just that cool, y’know?

“Yes, Princess,” he responded, though not as... eagerly as he took Celestia’s orders.  Let us consider this a small red flag on the good Captain, shall we?

“Can you tuck me in later, too?” I gave off a small yawn, “I need a motherly figure there, and you just seem so nurturing.”

“I’ve got a better idea:  No!  Tuck your own smokey self in, Firedoll,” Agh, degrading pet names!  A great weakness of mine.

We all shared a laugh and just as I thought they were headed out, Storm walked up to me and held up his hoof.

“Thank you for your help today,” he said in earnest, “Couldn’t have done it without you.”

This is what’s called a friendly rivalry.  Where you sass, insult, and downright slur the other party until you have no more to give, then you remind yourself that the other guy/gal is still really cool and they make your life better for having been there, also knowing that they feel likewise about you.  Not that I would ever tell the bucker that he actually helped brighten my day!

“No problem, brony,” no, that wasn’t a slip.  I did it on purpose.  Then I brohoofed him and smiled widely, “Thanks for your help, too.  It would have been a lot worse if you had not been there.”

“Thank you as w-well, Captain,” Luna gave an appreciative nod.

“It was a pleasure, Princess,” he answered with a bow before turning to Twilight, “Shall we, my lady?”

“Night, everypony,” Twilight waved a hoof before heading on out with her escort.

Luna sighed in frustration as she watched me pull out another cigarette, “You know, I th... think I’ve come up with a p-plan to get you to at least cut back.”

“I’m all ears,” I said as I turned for the hallway, “Outside though, c’mon.”

The cool damp air of the night was refreshing to say the least.  We went right back to my sleeping bench, where I immediately planted my plot with a yawn, doing a double take when I noticed I didn’t have my cigarette anymore.  Luna did.  In her mouth.

“For every cigarette you s-smoke, I’ll smoke one t-tuh... too,” she announced, thinking she had me.  She didn’t.

“Aha.  Negative,” I declined that offer without so much as a thought.  With a bit of focus, her entire cigarette caught flame and was ash in just a matter of seconds.

“Ugh!” she spit out the now useless filter and glared at me, “Why d-did you ever pick up such a fuh... filthy habit?!”

“Peer pressure.  I didn’t become truly addicted until my parents split up but uhh... yeah,” I said with a shrug, pulling out another cigarette and lighting it, “Let’s stop talking about me, mmmkay?”

“N-No,” she tried to emulate the human way of sitting on the bench, as I was doing, “How... is this even... c-cuh... comfortable?  This already hurts!”

“It’s nostalgic,” I shrugged again, rolling my eyes with a chuckle, “And it doesn’t hurt me at all.  It’s kinda funny, actually.”

“It’s annoying is wuh-what it is!” she grumped before hopping off the bench and picking out a nearby one that she laid down upon, “Better.  Now, let’s talk about you s’more.”

“I’d much rather talk about you and what you’re going through,” I deflected quickly.  I’m sorry, I just feel like an ass when I talk about me.  Not a lot of super awesome things to talk about.  Suffice it to say, me talking about my past doesn’t make anyone happy, least of all me.  I’d rather live in the present and look to the future.  Being happy is a choice I make and talking about a rough past just makes it a little harder.

Luna looked away, not entirely open to the idea, “I duh... don’t w-want to think about it.”

“Luna, I may have some problems, but what you’re going through isn’t even close to normal for either of our worlds,” I pointed out, taking a drag with a frown, “You can talk to me, I’m not even slightly judgmental.  Except for Blueblood.  I bucked him in the face for being a jerk.”

“You hit my nephew!?” she didn’t seem very entertained by that notion.  She wasn’t, in fact.  She was so unentertained (I know that’s not a word!) by that notion that she grabbed a few pears off the nearest tree with some magic and started to pelt me with them, emphasizing each throw with a word, “What! Is! Wrong! With! You!?”

“He des-Ow... Deserved it and y-Ow... You knowOw! Stop it! Ow! You know it!” I declared, too lazy to dodge the pears.  I was actually pretty tired.  Also, I hate pears.  Doctor Whooves has the right of it!

“He d-did not!” she snapped, matching my accusing stare with one of her own before huffing loudly in defeat, “Fuh... fine!  He can be insufferable at times!”

“Yeah, that’s good practice for understating, I suppose,” I shook my head, “Dude’s about as lovable as a rampaging Ursa Major covered in garbage and parasprites.”

“I think I can relate, c-considering present company!” she shouted at me before getting up, “Have a good n-night!”

“Luna,” Yeah, sometimes I take things too far, and Luna obviously cared for her family, warts and all, “I’m sorry, okay?”

“You’re sorry that it upset me!  Not that you said awful things about somepony!” she snapped, not even looking back at me as she left.  I didn’t go after her.  She was obviously going through some rough stuff and giving her a focus for frustration might actually help.  Nah, I’m kidding, I was just that lazy and tired.  Sue me, I’d had a long and arduous day.

“Crap,” I said with a yawn before laying down on the bench and shutting my eyes.  It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep, fortunately.  I had nightmares of being turned into cupcakes when Pinkie Pie found out that I broke my name-promise to her.  Traumatizing, to say the least.  I won’t go into details, but I will say that I’ll never look at Pinkie the same again.  The plus-side, however, was that I didn’t get woken up by some tragic event this time.  Just that old sweepy pony whistling, which I admit, I love to whistle so waking up to that didn’t bother me in the least.

I can approximate about six to eight hours of sleep judging by my grogginess and general irritation at everything that wasn’t the sweepy pony.  That was two to four hours longer than I was willing to go without a smoke.  I lit up, finished that sucker, and went inside for some breakfast!  I didn’t expect to be served, nor would I like that so much as cooking my own food, so I went into the pantry, ignored the employed ponies that wondered who the hell was raiding their place of work and magick’d it all into the kitchen where I further ignored anypony just staring at me, wondering who the hell I was.

I will say this, not having freakin’ meat to work with makes breakfast difficult to work with.  Still, I made the best of it and before too long, I had an unreasonably large stack of pancakes as well as a big bowl of white gravy and biscuits.  My grandma did not raise an incompetent, that’s for sure.  I just needed syrup so rather than hunt for it, I scared one of those cook-ponies that did their best to avoid getting in my way.  He was yellow like Fluttershy with a White mane and a flour-sack for a cutie mark. I ‘m not going to lie, I thought the flour-sack Cutie Mark just screamed cool.  It’s a flour sack!

“Hey, brony, what’s up,” I gave him a poke with my hoof.

“Gaahh~!” he jumped a bit and cantered back a step, “Y-Yes?”

“Woah, easy there, killer.  Just wanted to know where to find a bottle of syrup or maybe some honey and molasses if we don’t have any,” I asked, smiling encouragingly at him.

“Oh, um... Of course,” he said with a nod, opening a cabinet and handing(hoofing?) me a bottle, “Um... You know, most soldiers just... let us cook for them.  It’s sorta... our job, you see.”

“What?  Nah, I’m not a soldier.  Lun... Princess Luna has asked me to stick around for a few days,” I explained as I grabbed the bottle with my magic and spread an excessive amount over the pancakes, “You don’t have to serve me, mate, I’m more of a do-it-yourself kinda pony.  Not that I want to take your job, I just like being able to fend for myself.”

“That’s... quite an independent outlook,” he said with nervous chuckle, “Not to offend, but I’m glad all ponies aren’t like you.”

“No kidding!  A lot of ponies wouldn’t have jobs if everypony was like me!”  I said with a laugh as Silverheart entered with a cough.

“Firewall, Captain Storm Wing has requested your presence,” she said, all stiff and official.

“That’s great, can you ask him to meet me in the dining hall as I have breakfast?” I counter requested, knowing it would irritate both her and him.

“He said it was important and that I was to make it very clear that now was not the time for humor,” she clarified, not even blinking at my rebuttal.

Screw Captain Storm Wing.

I gave a sigh, before looking back at the chef pony, “Hey, what’s your name, Cookie?”

“Cookie,” he replied, wondering how I knew his name.

“No way!  I’m awesome!”  I brohoofed his shoulder and smiled, “Thanks for the syrup.  Can I take these dishes and bring them back first chance I get?”

“I suppose,” he gave a noncommittal nod of his head.

“Sweet.  Thanks, Cookie!” I said with a laugh before magicking all the food to follow me, “Alright, Silversweetheart, lead the way.”

That was the wrong thing to say.  So very wrong.  I saw rage in those eyes.  RAGE!  Preposterous amounts of fury!  Somepony doesn’t like to be called sweetheart!  No kidding, I’m fairly certain I was this close to dying.  I nearly dropped all my food as I stammered to correct myself, “I mean... My lady, please, guide me to our destination.  With all due respect.  Sorry?”

She seemed satisfied with having brow beat me into submission (Shut up, it was scary!) and turned to lead me out into the Southern Hall, back towards the Ball Room.  We entered the big empty room, famous to me for hosting a ruined Gala and spotted Storm Wing standing in the center, waiting patiently.  He didn’t have his armor on for once and let me tell you, somepony has a bad case of wild static-charged mane.  He looked like a freakin’ blue super saiyan or something, I just wanted to laugh at him.  I didn’t though, especially once I noticed the worried look on his face.  I started to ask what was wrong, but everything was interrupted by a scream from Luna’s room.

I didn’t even think, I just bolted around and up the stairs, still trailing a train of food behind me (I guess losing your concentration doesn’t end the spell?).  Storm beat me there, naturally, and stopped just before her door, calling out to her.

“Princess Luna, is everything alright?” he called out imploringly.

“Of course it isn’t!” I said, shoving him out of the way and bucking the door open, “Luna?!”

There she was, laying in her dark blue bed, crying into her pillow.  There was nothing wrong, otherwise, she was just crying.  Even while confused, it was painful to see a pony cry, this one especially.  Storm Wing slipped up beside me and shook his head, whispering softly.

“She went to bed about four hours ago, about one hour before I usually awake.  Every time she goes to sleep, however, a nightmare awakens her,” he murmured, low enough to keep her from hearing, “I don’t know what’s causing it.”

I suddenly felt extremely numb all over, having a damn good guess as to what was causing the nightmares.  As I understand it, dreams and nightmares are the mind’s way of occupying your sensory perceptions while you’re asleep and also act as a sort of taking-out-the-mental-garbage.  It’s why people that sleep to music usually have a slightly less restful sleep because they’re occupying a piece of their mind by listening to it.  This was all second-hand information from a supposed sleep-expert that worked at a Serta mattress store, but he sure as hell was confident and charismatic.  THE POINT was that Luna didn’t have a trash bin full of mental garbage, but an entire junkyard of it.

“Hey, Luna,” I said, walking over to the bed and bringing the food, “I brought you pancakes?  Om nom nom?”

Luna sobbed a few more times before looking at me, sniffling with a smile, “You’re nothing like a human.  You couldn’t possibly be one.  You can be a jerk at times, but you’re not like the rest of them.”

“Yes, I am,” I said, sighing softly as I set all the food down and snagged a biscuit, dipping it in the gravy, “I’m just as human as the rest of them.”

“No, you’re not,” she buried her face back into the pillow and sobbed out a few more sentences.  She sounded like the pyro from TF2.  I unsuccessfully tried to stop myself from letting out a chuckle.

“Well, I can’t discern what you said entirely,” I said before taking a bite of the biscuit, “But I’ll take a guess... Hmm, you’re either insulting my mother, or you’re coming onto me.  It could go either way, really.”

I heard her snort out a laugh, as well as Storm Wing’s exasperated groan.  She eventually looked up from the pillow again and wiped at her eyes tiredly, “Humans are so awful though.”

“No, we’re not awful,” I rolled my eyes and handed(hoofed?  Seriously, I wonder what the appropriate term is!) her a gravy dipped biscuit, “Some humans are awful.  A lot of humans are just fine.  And there are even more that are bigger sweethearts than some of the ponies I’ve met.”

She nibbled at the biscuit with a sniff, “I... I know... It’s just... I can’t sleep without seeing so many awful things.”

“I know,” I said with a nod swallowing my biscuit and sighing, “Figured that out pretty quickly, actually.  And yeah, humans record the events of their history in an effort to learn and better themselves from it.  You know how to clamp it all down, right?”

“Mmmhmm, it kinda just came to me but I figured that out pretty quick,” she nodded with a sniffling yawn, “I just can’t do it while I’m asleep.  And why are humans obsessed with nudity?!”

“Awkward subject, Luna!” I said with a laugh, blushing terribly bright, I’m sure, “We’ll talk about it when you’re older.”

She whacked me with a magically propelled pillow, “I multiply your age by over four hundred.”

“Yeah, well... Hey, you’re not stuttering!” I gasped, quick to latch onto a distraction, though the realization had come as a shock as well.

She braced herself up a bit, quite off guard, “You’re right!”

“Awesome!” I exclaimed, hoof-clapping (mostly because the idea of hoof clapping amuses the hell out of me) a bit before grabbing another biscuit, “I guess what little sleep you’re getting helped?”

“Stop trying to change the subject!” she suddenly caught onto my subtle conversation manipulation, “You’ve got a lot to explain about humans.”

“What do you want to know?  I mean, you obviously have more knowledge at your disposal than I do,” I shrugged, at a loss for what to say to satisfy her.

“What are they?” she asked, yawning loudly, “In your words.  As if you were explaining to another human.”

Brace yourself for the PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS OF FIREWALL!

“Alright then,” I took a moment to collect my thoughts, tilting my head a bit before taking a deep breath, “Humans are... quite odd, now that I think about it.  They’re imaginative, desire-driven, persevering, stubborn, passionate creatures.  Nothing more. Not that different from ponies, really, except that humans don’t get cutie marks to tell us what we want deep down.  Sometimes, we never find out what we want.  When we do, though, we chase it without so much as a second thought and we’re not afraid to fight for what we want, even if it means fighting one another.  Sometimes, humans just think about themselves and their personal desires.  Sometimes, people want to help the race as a whole thrive and flourish.  Sometimes, people, like me, want them and everyone around them to have fun.  Most people, however, just want to live their lives and keep their heads down in a simple, happy existence.  But no matter what a person’s cause, there are good and bad ways to go about it.  Sure, there are plenty of humans that aren’t afraid of stepping on anyone and anything, but there are plenty that refuse to show such carelessness.  Remember what I said?  ‘Take the good with the bad?  Don’t dwell on the worst?’”

Luna nodded at me, laying back down tiredly.  I could hear Storm Wing’s quiet breathing, having stepped closer.  I think he was more interested in hearing this than Luna was, actually.

“That’s what it’s all about.  You’re not naive anymore,”  I said popping what was left of the biscuit in my mouth, “So you’re going to have to learn that no matter what you see, no matter what you hear, no matter how awful it seems, the choice to be sad and afraid is just that.  A choice.  I know, it’s easier said than done, and you can’t actively fight it while asleep, but maybe... maybe you can adjust with time.  Much to your misfortune, though, you’ve just got me to help you along the way!”

Luna snorted before holding out her hoof to me.  After a moment of hesitation, I took it.  I felt her squeeze my hoof gently (HOW?!) and after a few silent moments, she fell back asleep.  I felt a tightening in my chest as I realized, I really just didn’t want anything bad to happen to Luna ever again.  Not just Luna but any pony.  I wanted to guard them.  I wanted to be that protector.  That firewall, just as Luna had said.  It was like discovering my own Cutie Mark and it was indeed a shield.  The sheer ridiculousness of the idea made me doubt everything that I was doing and saying.  It was just such a magical and ludicrous thought process that I was following that I didn’t know if I should let myself go down that path.  Was this fanciful thinking just too far out there, I kept asking myself.  Was I not keeping myself grounded?

Then Luna’s nightmares started to return.  She stirred with a whimper and I felt anger surge from deep inside, hating the helplessness.  I wanted to fight away those inner demons so badly and yet I couldn’t.  It didn’t take me long to refuse that notion, though.  I denied that I could do nothing.  This was wrong and I would prove it wrong by making it right.  I stared hard at Luna, knowing that she would not have to face this alone.  With a small flash, I got my wish in the form of a small fiery shield placing itself just under her horn, glowing softly and warmly.  With but a second, her whimpers subsided and I was instantly on cloud nine.  Best.  Spell.  Ever.  I kinda got a little choked up, I was so thrilled.  That was when Storm Wing put his hoof on my shoulder and I nodded, getting up to leave the princess to her rest.

As we exited, Storm Wing shut the door and sighed in relief, “Thank you, hum... Firewall.  I don’t know what you did, but I’m glad you did it.”

“Did what?” a regal voice popped up from behind us, “Is Luna any better?”

Celestia is not small.  Nor is she particularly colored to camouflage against anything, considering she glows like the sun half the time!  Hence, you can understand my shock when she got so close without making any noise.  What was even more shocking was that Celestia’s normally calm and gentle visage was one of slight stress and worry.

“D-Damn it!” I placed a hoof over my chest, “Are all princess ponies so stealthy!?”

“Yes, my princess.  Firewall helped Luna get to sleep with a spell I’ve never seen before,” Storm Wing answered her, ignoring my dramatic reaction, “She’s now not having any nightmares, or isn’t acknowledging them at least.”

Celestia smiled as though Christmas had come early.  She was about to reply when she was cut off by a loud, brash, and arrogant laugh.  A very distinctive loud, brash, and arrogant laugh. Indeed, it was my favorite loud, brash, and arrogant laugh.

“Tremble, Canterlot!  Tremble from head to hoof!  For this land is now under the rule of a New Order!  I, The Great And Powerful Trixie, claim this city in the name of Azure Flora!” her beautifully obnoxious voice boomed throughout the city.

“I’ve never been so happy to hear an invasion announcement,” I stated with all seriousness, my eyes wide with excitement, “I, for one, welcome our new pony overlord.”

“What?” Storm Wing was so very confused by my words.

The roof was suddenly torn off of the Ball Room and that awesome blue pony dropped in, laughing haughtily, “Cower before The Great And Powerful Tr-r-rixie!”

This was quickly followed by me running down the stairs and hitting her with a glomp.  For those of you that are not fanboy/girl-inclined, a glomp is an enthusiastic flying tackle-hug.  And that’s just what I did.  I glomped Trixie.  Don’t judge me.  You’re just jealous that you didn’t get the opportunity.

NEXT TIME ON Through The Eyes Of Another Pony!

“The Great And Powerful Trixie demands you release her this instant!”  

“I'm your biggest fan!  Can I have your autograph?!”  

“The... What?  Uh... The Great And Powerful Trixie is flattered!  Now release me at once!”  

“You won't run away if I do, will you?!”

“The Great And Powerful Trixie fears nothing!  I would never run!  Now release me, my enthusiastic little admirer!”

“Good enough for me!  Now, about your signature...”

Chapter Five!                                                                        Chapter Seven!

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Seven:  The Part Where He Chapters You

Azure Flora is so cute!

HHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!! *heartstop*

Author’s Note has leveled up and is now Author’s PAGE!  TREMBLE AND DESPAIR!  So anyway, I’ve been hearing more and more lately that this fic should be 6-Star.  I’ve not said it needs to be myself, but I will admit, it is what I’m striving for.  It amuses me greatly that a 6-star “self-insert”/HIE fic is even feasible, but I’m only .2 stars away.  Some people say that’s statistically improbable.  I disagree.  I’ve been at 4.7 stars since 250 ratings, which means mathematically, I can hit 4.9 at 1200 ratings.  IT CAN HAPPEN!  I just have to get above 4.85!

Also, Mattatatta reviewed this fic and pretty much hit everything I was going for right on the head.  It felt good reading it. Every time I get an email thanking me for my work or get a crayon drawing of Firewall (or digital one, even!) or even just a comment like this, I’m reminded of why I decided to write Chapter 2.  Anyway, here it is.

As I read these chapters (and laugh harder than I usually do when reading anything to be honest), I can't help but ask myself "How can a Human-In-Equestria story, with a protagonist who is technically a self-insert of the author, work so well, be so funny, and gather such a large following of fans?"

I think it lies down to the narrative and style. The whole time we're being told the story through the author's perspective - he's "lived" it, after all. While he tells us the story, he often butts-in on himself to break from the story and add hilarious and perfectly timed comments.

It is also obvious that he knows what makes people angry with OCs, Human-In-Equestria stories, and characters who are essentially the author's ponysona. And so he actively avoids the biggest 'no-nos' (which is common sense), navigates the grey areas with his sense of humour, charm, and focuses as much attention on the other characters as possible. The latter is probably the most evident in that he took several chapters just to name his ponysona, and every time it came up in the story, he dodged the subject with realistic, in-universe actions. He's been so focused on crafting an excellent story that piles on the humour, funny interaction with other characters, and a main plotline that has potential to be awesome (in it's own right), that the protagonist has been denied a basic part of his character, and ultimately named by those who commented possible names after reading the fic. Hell, probably another good reason why Firewall is so well-received is because the author has been up front about him from the start. We know from the very beginning that he is the author in pony form, so we're obliged to not give a flying blueberry muffin about the technical self-insert part. I've noticed that 99.9% of the worst fics featuring a self-insert character have had the author trying to hide the fact that the self-insert is really the author. Sometimes, it pays to be honest with your potential readers, it seems.

So, what can we learn here? A story that combines three elements in fan fics that usually spell disaster individually, and therefore total annihilation together, can actually become a massive hit among readers IF the author focuses on the fundamentals of a good story, and avoids the things that often wreck a fan fic. In other words, it's not terribly difficult, when compared to writing any other type of story, to write a story that has things that normally throw up huge red flags in people's minds - and make it good.

Anyway, random musings aside. I really like this story. I actually failed to keep track of it after Chapter 3, so when it updated this evening I had some catching up to do. The main storyline (Luna, The Nightmare, fate of the multiverse, Firewall trying to RMA a pile of ash to get a new phone) is more than enough to keep anyone intrigued in the story. However, most of us aren't here for the "plot" (Dohohoho! The irony among some of us!), and are instead here for how you've nailed the characters we're familiar with, and created personalities for brand new characters (and characters who are pretty much up to fanon when it comes to characterisation, such as Luna). And we're here for the brilliant style and excellent sense of humour. The amount of meta in this fic is insane, yet it doesn't make up half of the jokes in the story. Keep writing this 'til it's finished, it's gold!

Now, a lot of people have been asking me if I’ve read certain fics.  The answer is no.  Not because I do not want to, but because I am an emotional writer.  It comes straight out of my heart.  It’s an extremely fickle writing style, because if I lose interest at any point, it’s almost impossible to get it back.  Also, the worst part about that is if something emotionally affects you, it bleeds out into your writing.  Imposition definitely bled out into chapter one, due to having read it just a few weeks before writing out my first chapter.  That is what happens when you write from the heart.  Anything that emotionally impacts you comes out in your writing.  I mean, I haven't even read Past Sins or Fallout: Equestria yet!  I don't even let close friends and family read my work (with certain exceptions), simply because I know that it would influence me and I don't want to have to fight that.  So don’t take it personal, everypony!  That’s just the madness of CardsLafter at work!

“The Great And Powerful Trixie demands to be released at once!” she shouted angrily, squirming away from me.

“I’m your biggest fan!” I cried, practically purring in happiness.  I could feel Stoic kicking and screaming for control, but Lafter was just not having it.  He was in the zone, “Can I have your autograph!?”

“The G-... What?” that caught her off guard by a huge margin, I could tell, “The Great And Powerful Trixie is flattered!  Now let go of The Great And Powerful Trixie!”

“You won’t run away if I do, right?” Maybe this matters to everyone/pony, maybe not, but Trixie’s cowl is made of silk.  That’s right.  I know these things.  U JELLY!? (You so are.)

“The Great And Powerful Trixie fears nothing!” she proclaimed haughtily, “She would never run from anything, much less an overenthusiastic admirer!”

I immediately let go of her and sat back on my haunches, pulling out Twilight’s letter to Celestia and turning it over to show Trixie the blank backside, “Make it out to Firewall!  Also, there’s a guy that runs a website where I come from, he’s a huge fan, too!!  His name is Se-...”

“The Great And Powerful Trixie does not have time for this!” she interrupted me loudly, waving me off, “She is on an important mission!  One of conquest!”

“But...” My happy was almost instantly lost, “But...”

Trixie tried to stare at me with apathy, but I could tell she was losing her nerve.  I can do a seriously convincing puppy-dog stare when I have to.  She grimaced for a moment before sighing with an eye roll, “Well... If you’re going to pout...”

I held up the paper, my face still downtrodden and miserable-seeming.

“‘To Fireball, with love. The Great And Powerful Trixie,’” she rambled on impatiently as a magic quill appeared and began scribbling.  She then cast a second spell that put her photograph onto the paper and even gave it a kiss!  OHEMGEE PONIES! “There!  Now shoo, my eager fanatic-pony!”

“But my name is Fi-...” I started to protest.

“I said shoo!” She swatted at me with a hoof.

I scampered back to Celestia and Storm Wing with the letter in my mouth, looking utterly thrilled with myself.  Celestia was of the mind that I had lost my sanity, judging by the way she was staring at me.  Storm Wing looked as though he was contemplating the contents of the last stack of hay he had eaten.  Either way, they didn’t seem entirely pleased that I had just showered love and attention onto Canterlot’s latest (and greatest!) attacker.

“What is wrong with you?”  Storm Wing was quite direct about it.

“You’re just jealous!”  I stuck my tongue out at him and put the letter back, “I’ve got both Twilight and Trixie’s signature!  BAM!”

“Enough of that nonsense, Firewall, this is no time to act so childish,” Celestia ordered quite curtly.  My ears drooped a bit as I realized just how bad that looked.  Lafter ran a little too freely there, I’m definitely willing to admit.  Stoic gave him a slap and quickly took the reigns, causing me to serious up rather quickly.

“Sorry about that, guys,” I murmured with a nod, “Lost my head for a moment.”

“The Great And Powerful Trixie demands your surrender, Celestia!” she ordered, stamping her hoof, “Save Canterlot and Equestria the trouble and damage your refusal would cause!  We will not be deterred!”

“I would know who you are and who you represent.  If you’ve come to parley a surrender, then I would like to know what you plan to do with my beloved Equestria once in control,” Celestia sounded as serious as a heart attack.  I couldn’t believe my pointy ears!

“Princess?” Storm Wing looked dumbfounded, though he really wasn’t looking, per-say.  No, I’m not going to stop making those jokes.

“What are you talking about, Cele-...” I started to ask, tilting my head in total shock.

“Silence, both of you,” she snapped at us before looking back at Trixie, “Well?”

Trixie obviously did not expect Celestia to choose mediation over resistance.  Her eyes betrayed confusion for several seconds before she finally shook herself out of it.

“If you wish to discuss terms, then you must come with The Great And Powerful Trixie!” she stated with a flare of her cowl, “Alone!”

“I’m sorry, I must keep in mind that terms may be non-negotiable depending on certain demands made, Great and Powerful Trixie.  If I am to discuss them, then I must bring adequate protection, as must you and the party you represent,” Celestia explained quite plainly yet politely, “I will, however, ask where you would have us meet for such negotiations.  Since you are the confronting party, it is only fitting you choose this place, don’t you think?”

“I... The Great... … … I... We’re not actually supposed to negotiate!  Why aren’t you resisting?!” she stamped angrily, not expecting this sort of reception at all.  After getting the angry out of her system, she sighed, “Very well!  I will send a messenger after I have chosen a location!  Be grateful that you were spared the wrath of The Great!  And Powerful!  TRIXIE!”

She reared up and slammed her hooves down, causing a puff of smoke to shoot up and obscure her.  For a moment, I thought she was going to run out of the room, but surprisingly enough, she did actually vanish in the cloud.  She’s obviously been practicing.  That’s my Trixie!  ~<3

“We haven’t much time,” Celestia said after a few seconds of silence, “Captain Storm Wing, gather your Sky Archons and get them suited.  Have them scour the city for the next hour for anything suspicious.

“Is that all, my princess?” he asked instantly, his entire body tensing with anticipation.

“No.  Get Firewall here some armor,” she replied, giving a nod at the roof as she cast a spell to repair the entire thing in mere seconds.

I think our reactions were polar opposite.  Mine involved a surge in heartrate, big happy eyes, and a grin that threatened to go all the way around my head.  Storm Wing’s was one of absolute shock and horror.

“Princess, are you certain that’s a good id-...,” he started to call out to her as she began to leave.

“Second guessing me, Captain?” she looked back at him over her shoulder.

“N-Not at all, my princess!” he quickly stammered out his reply, blushing brightly and bowing low, “Forgive me!”

“One day, Captain, you’ll learn that I value your input,” she gave a sweet chuckle before cantering on.

He didn’t seem to get the hint.  So, I helped him with a clop to the back of his head, because I’m an awesome friend like that.  (FINALLY HIT THAT SORRY BASTARD!)

“What th-?!” he turned to face me, snorting angrily, “You’ve got mere seconds to explain yourself before I whip the cutie-mark off your flank!”

Daaaamn!  I love a good line like that!  I knew right away, I would steal and abuse the hell out of it.

“She’s trying to tell you something, moron,” I replied, shaking my head in pity.

“I said explain yourself, not give me some cryptic fertilizer!” his mane flared from the energy coursing through him.  Somepony did not like being hit.  I found this amusing.  Indeed, I would have twisted my evil moustache if I had one.  Where was Steven Magnet when you needed him?

“I’d write it out for you in a three-paragraph essay with footnotes, but you can’t read.  Instead, I’m going to spell it out for you, because you’re obviously blind in more ways than one!”  I sighed in exasperation, “She’s trying to let you know that it’s okay to second guess her if you feel it’s for the best, jackpony.  Pick up on the subtext!  She’s obviously not the warrior that you are, so she relies on your input as one of her greatest military minds.  I mean, how long have you been doing this, anyway?”

“A little less than a millenium,” he responded, his expression a tad confused.

“Holy crap, you’re old!” I exclaimed, suddenly putting on a charade of care and laying a hoof on his shoulder, “Do I need to get you a walker or something?  I hear Granny Smith has spares!”

“Shut up!  It’s time to suit up, rookie!” he snapped, backhoofing me in the face before grabbing my mane in his mouth and yanking me along.  I suppose I should be grateful he didn’t taser hoof me.  Which is still the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of!  The silliest thing about this, though, is if you visualize the size difference.  Like I said before, I’m about Big Mac’s size and Storm Wing is probably just a hair taller than Rainbow Dash, so it was like watching a little Asian martial arts master yank along a seven foot-tall viking by his hair.

“MY PRECIOUS, DELICATE LOCKS OF SILK!” I dramatically cried out, chuckling as he yanked me along.  Yeah, manes are pretty tough, so it didn’t really hurt.  Which certainly made resisting easier and more enjoyable.

“Fuddup!” I heard him snarl through the mouthful of mane.  He dragged me halfway there before becoming irritated with my struggles and spitting my mane out, allowing me to just walk with.  I chuckled and stopped giving him hell for the moment, cantering along in silence.

The Military Wing on the East side of the castle was actually very plain, which was no big surprise.  It was just a stadium-esque building with several dozen openings surrounding it.  (Pegasus Pony Launch Bays!  BRILLIANT!)  I wondered just how many military branches and leaders there were and began to ask that very question before I was interrupted by the zappy little pony.

“Do you really think Celestia v-...” he started to ask.

“Yes,” I cut him off, rolling my eyes, “And I can’t believe you’re too stupid to notice.”

“I... I just never considered the possibility,” he admitted, his ears drooping a bit.  Ugh, it pains me to say this, but it was actually kind of adorable.  In fact, Storm Wing just looked downright cute with his armor off, even if he had a perpetual bad-hair-day going on.  Also, fair warning for anypony that takes that out of context:  Beatings everlasting.  Mmmkay?  Mmmkay.

“Well, glad to have been a help, tiny,” I chuckled before entering the building and walking into the open atrium in the center, “So uh... Where is everypony?”

“SKY ARCHONS!” the voice that came out of that pony beside me was incredibly loud.  Storm Wing apparently had quite a set of lungs, “AT ATTENTION!”

It was like watching a light show as about two dozen ponies of assorted colors and sizes bolted into a straight line in front of the two of us.  They were paired, oddly enough, with one pony standing more to the front and their pair standing somewhat back and to the left.  Well, my right, their left.  Whatever, like it matters.  What was odd to me, was that Silverheart was among them and she didn’t seem to have a partner.  You remember her, right?  Scary-as-hell glare?  Gets knocked over like a Storm Trooper?

“New orders from the princess,” he announced, “Starlight, you and Hot Shot are to take teams three through seven and scour the city.  We’ve had an invasion threat and while we are not under Martial Law, we are to remain vigilant.  You are to suit up and depart five minutes ago.  Consider yourself already dismissed and testing my patience.”

“Aye, Captain!” one of the female pegasi, navy blue with a black mane and gold eyes, yelled out her affirmation, “Teams Three, Four, Five, Six, and Seven!  Armor on!  Wings Open!  Rendezvous at the North Gate for further orders!”

It was cool.  It was very cool.  I resisted the attempt to squee from sheer awesome ponyness.

“The rest of you, get your gear and grab a meal on the flight.  You’re to remain on standby here at the palace and are to away orders from us via magic mail.  If so much as a pebble is missing from this place when I get back, you get to guard the moon for the next thousand years.  Horizon, you’re in charge.  Silverheart, you are to wait here for further orders,” he said with a nod, turning his head their way after a moment of silence, “That means now, fillies.”

Zoom, they all took flight. The entire scene was like watching a rainbow jump off the ground, each color splitting off and going it’s own way.  Fully.  Awesome.  I looked at Storm Wing  with an appreciative nod.

“Extremely impressive,” I said, smirking with excitement, “No wonder Equestria is so safe.”

“I’d never tell them this to their faces, but they’re the best fliers a pony could ask for,” he murmured, a bit of a smile creeping at the edges of his muzzle.  He then turned to the last remaining pony and nodded, “Lieutenant Silverheart, Firedoll here needs some armor, as per the Princess’ request.  See to that.  Also, he won’t have the slightest clue about putting it on, so you’ll act as his Artillery.  Report to me as soon as you’re finished.”

“Aye sir,” she answered, flapping over and landing beside me, “This way, sir.”

It took me a moment to register that she was talking to me.  I gave my head a shake as if to wake myself up before nodding at her, “Please, don’t call me sir.  I’m not a soldier.”

“You are today,” Storm Wing said with a chuckle, sparking my haunch with a flick of his tail just before taking off.

“Agh!  You sunova...” I turned and spat fire at him as he laughed, flying faster than my flames could travel.  He won that round.  But I would get him, one day.  And there would be a great wailing and gnashing of pony teeth on that day!

“Wow, I’ve never seen him so... happy,” Silverheart blinked, watching Storm Wing soar away towards his quarters.

“Yeah, well, if it were up to me, I’d thrash the happy right out of him,” I grumped before looking at Silverheart with a sigh, “So, you’re a Sky Archon, eh?  Not to gloat, but that kinda makes me feel good.  Seeing as how I kinda... ran you over that one day.  Sorry about that, by the way.”

“Don’t let it go to your head, I’m not a Sword Archon.  I’m an Artillery Archon,” she nodded before walking along, “Please, let’s go.  He doesn’t like to wait.”

“Yeah, but I’ve suddenly become afflicted with a split hoof, so we’re going to have to take our time,” I lied so obviously that even she couldn’t resist snickering, “Such a shame, don’t you think?”

“Oh, yes,” she confirmed, shaking her head mirthfully, “A tragedy.”

“So what’s the difference between Artillery Archons and Sword Archons?” I asked, cracking my neck with a grunt before pulling out a cigarette and lighting up.  I was suddenly struck with a horrible realization, “Damn it!  I left my pancakes in Luna’s room!  I blame you!  I could have had an unhealthy amount of batter in my system right now!”

“The horrors of the day pile up, it seems,” she said with a nod, “I’ll have to console myself with a glass of milk right before bedtime just to get to sleep.”

Sarcasm strikes again, much to my bittersweet pleasure.  Why was it that none of these awesome ponies were in the show?  Luna alone would have tripled the viewership, but nooo.  She has to wait for season two.  Hasbrony, I R Disappoint.

“Anyway, the difference between the two is that Artillery Archons focus more on their weather magic and roles of utility while the Sword Archons’ attention is directed more towards direct combat and physical perfection,” she explained, “As Storm Wing is the Captain of the Sky Archons, it’s his duty to be adept in both fields.”

“You, madam, have just blown my mind,” I nodded with a smirk, starting to put it together, “So, I’m to assume that the ‘teams’ are one of each?”

“Indeed.  Artillery Archons can provide a lot of support to a Sword Archons, making them much more effective than a hoof full of just one type,” she further elaborated as she led me to the armory.  She didn’t have to lead me, technically, thanks to the magic mental map, but I have trouble walking, talking, and referencing that ‘memory’ at the same time (So what if I’m not a multitasker!), “One team can fight off a Hydra and a couple of teams is more than a match for a dragon, even.”

“And here I thought ponies weren’t that dangerous,” I commented before looking over all the armor.  It was like being in a candy shop, only less tasty and more awesome.  They had chain, plate, gilded, banded, full, field and even some scale mail, though I’m positively certain that the scales were artificial.

“Wow,” I commented, with a whistle (You know how hard it is to do that with a cigarette in your mouth?  Amazingly difficult.  I’m just so talented, I can’t stand myself sometimes!), “There’s more metal in this room than A7X concert at Ozfest.  Daddy likes.”

“Yeah.  Most of it is actually too small for your large frame.  Eat less, human,” she remarked with a poke to my side as her silver eyes roamed over the numerous armor sets.  No, I’m not a pudgy pony.  That would be funny, though!

“No!  You ponies get bigger!” I demanded, still gazing at the armors.

“Here,” she pointed out a plate set off one of the largest racks in the back, “It’s the only one close enough to your size.  Hopefully Storm Wing won’t bludgeon you the moment he finds out you’re wearing it.”

It was pretty damned cool.  It was silver with gold trim and flared at most of the edges.  It took a moment for that last comment to register.  Fairly certain I had a glazed-over expression for a few seconds there.

“Wait what?” Stoic was quick to beat Lafter back down, “Why would Storm Wing get mad?”

“Because the last pony to wear this was his father, the first Sky Archon,” Silverheart replied as she grabbed the first piece with her mouth and walked my way, gesturing me to lift a hoof to fit on the first of the sabatons, “His name was Winter Sky.  Big legend.  To the Sky Archons, at least.”

The entire process took several minutes, the longest step being the tying of my mane.  Apparently you have to tie it as tightly as possible to fit it through the helmet before untying it and stylizing it in in the typical Equestrian soldier, which was practically ripping off the Trojan Mohawk.  The entire time, I was very apprehensive of the fact that I would eventually have to face Storm Wing in his father’s armor.  Let us say, I expected there to be some flying sparks.  Badum-Pssh~!

“You’re pretty still.  Usually Archons get fidgety after the first five minutes,” she said with a nod, fastening the last buckle on my back.

“Yeah, anything that touches my hair chills me out,” I said with a smirk before looking at her and flicking my cigarette, “How do I look?”

“Like a wingless Sky Archon,” she said with a chuckle, “And a cute one at that.  Luna would blush.”

I got a chill all over, grimacing a bit.

“Wrong thing to say?” she asked, a bit surprised.

“It’s nothing against Luna, really, it’s just.  I don’t know anything about anything,” I said with a sigh, “She’s awesome, but... what if I can’t stay?  What if I simply have to choose one or the other?  I mean, I love it here, but am I supposed to just... never go home to see my family and friends?  I’ve people that rely on me, back home.  What if I c-...”

“Okay, I get it, I get it.  You’re just being cautious,” she rolled her eyes, waving a hoof to cut me off,  “Celestia’s tears, if I wanted a study in psychology, I’d have gone to the Librarium rather than the Military.”

“Sorry,” I nervously kicked at the floor, “I’m just... I know I act stupid, but I’m constantly thinking about everything.”

“Trust me, it shows.  Celestia and Storm Wing wouldn’t let you near them if they thought you were an idiot,” she reasoned pointedly, turning for the door, “So obviously they don’t.  Despite how dumb you can get at times.”

“You’re about as warm and fuzzy as a room temperature caltrop,” I said with a laugh, smirking at her as she left.

“And here I was trying to be so nice,” she chuckled as she cantered out, calling back, “Mirror is in the room to your left.”

You know what was rather peculiar?  I had not seen myself in a mirror at all.  It had been nearly... what... four?  Five days as a pony?  And I still had not taken a look at my face.  What that said about me, I had no clue, really.  I slipped into what looked like a break room for whatever pony slaved away hammering out these amazing pony barding suits.  Sure enough, there was a small mirror, no bigger than a medicine cabinet mirror you would see in a bathroom.

My eyes were green, as they had always been, unsurprisingly.  I really just looked like a more excited ash-grey Big Macintosh with a horn two shades darker coming out of my head.  It wasn’t me I was paying attention to, though.  It was the armor.  It was just a hair loose, not overmuch though.  There had been holes for wings, but she had covered them up with matching plates.  All in all, it felt strangely light which made sense after I had considered it for a moment.  Pegasi need to be able to fly fast and if adding protection slowed you down too much, then what was the point?  Regardless, it was more than obvious that some pony had poured their heart into every last detail, as it was meticulous.

Descriptions.  I don’t like giving them unless they have meaning.  This armor had meaning.  Not because I was wearing it, but it belonged to a pony before me that was obviously a Hero.  Celestia had thought highly enough of this colt to create a branch of military just for him and those that followed in his hoofsteps (I sometimes get confused, seeing as how hoof replaces any ‘hand’ or ‘foot’ compound words) and he had obviously inspired Storm Wing to take up a similar calling.  What I’m getting at is that this armor deserved a bit of notoriety.

~Looking good if I do say so myself.~

At least I didn't collapse in pain this go around.  That was nice, I admit.

~So you can see me.~

It was time to be deductive.  Asking questions the right way can get you information.  Lots of it.  You just have to now how to ask harmless things that get you somewhere no matter the answer.

~Oh dear, I let that slip, I suppose.~

Setting them off guard helps, though it didn’t seem overly worried.

~Yeah, I suppose you did.  So who are you?~

Be direct!

~I told you, I cannot remember my original name.~

And get nowhere, apparently!

~Convenient.~

~No, actually it’s downright frustrating, if you want my honest opinion!~

~Bitter subject.~

~Thank you for noticing.~

~My pleasure.  Now, I’m sorta busy, I can’t chat it up for idle reasoning, here.  Also, what do I call you?~

~Call me an Observer.  Not entirely unlike you when you watched this world.~  

~So... You’re a brony?~

~No.  This is actually a warning that I’m delivering.  A trap is being laid for Celestia.~

Try as he might, he was giving away more than he intended.  The fact that he knew what a brony was and was able to deny such affiliations told me plenty.  He had seen other worlds, and he wasn’t necessarily from neither Earth nor Equestria.

~You mean at this charade of a negotiation?  Yeah, I know.  So does she.~

~Then stop her.~

~She’s a big girl, she can make her own decisions.~

~And if she is wrong?~

~Then we’re all going to look pretty stupid, but I figured out how to handle that sensation a long time ago.~

~I have no problems believing that.~

~You want me to throw on Caramelldansen?~

~Whatever that is, it does sound rather awful.~

~You’ll rue the day, I promise.~

~At least make certain she’s aware.~

~Whatever!  Why do you care?~

~Why do you care?~

~I love it here, what’s your excuse?~

~I like ponies.~

~Don’t you try and out nonsense me, son.  Therein lies the path towards insanity immeasurable.~

~I have no problems believing that.~

~Good.  Was that all you wanted to talk about?~

~I recognize your armor.~

~Oh?  Do tell.~

~It once belonged to a great Hero.  Ev-...~

I’ve heard this about a thousand times in a hundred different ways.  I tried hitting the start button, but then I remembered this was reality and he was being serious.  Which was lame.

~No really, skip the cryptic introduction.~

~Very well.  He was a grey maned, white coated pegasus who played an integral role in defeating Nightmare Moon and sealing away the dark otherworldly magics that brought about its creation.~

~Woah, the stories say nothing about a pegasus.  It just says Celestia won the battle.~

~Celestia hides certain... tragedies from the masses.  The Hero known as Winter Sky died, sacrificing himself to banish Nightmare Moon.  His selfless act gave Celestia the time and power she needed to use the Elements of Harmony as well as disable the source of the esoteric magics that created The Nightmare itself.~

~Now I seriously doubt your credibility.  You’re telling me that not only did a pony die in this utopia, but that Celestia lied to cover up such an awful event.~

~Doubt if you like.  Celestia knows much more than she lets on.  It’s how she has survived and ruled so efficiently for so long.  Why do you think she took on the first pony in a thousand years with the strength to challenge her as a protege?  She may have kind tendencies, but it was Twilight’s power that frightened the alicorn into taking her in.  Perhaps I am making a grand assumption, though, for I have no proof.~

~I’m not the kind of guy that simply gets mad when he hears something that he doesn’t like, but uh... You’re starting to anger me.  Please realize that you’ve no evidence or reason for me to believe you.~

~Ask Storm Wing about his father and why he became a Sky Archon.~

~Fine.  And weren’t you going to tell me where to find you, eventually?  On an entirely unrelated note, I bet it would really hurt if I bucked somepony while wearing this armor.  Thoughts on the matter?~

~Oh dear, I’m all out of time.~

~Yeah, I bet you are.~

Just as our conversation ended, Storm Wing skidded into the room, stopping just in front of me, “Firewall, Trixie’s already contacted Celestia.  We’re to meet her at the Council Room at the Ruins of the Castle of the Royal Pony sisters.”

That name is still ridiculously long.

“Alright, I uh... I guess it’s time to rock.  Umm, Storm Wing, I hope you don’t mind the armor,” I coughed, a little uncomfortable.

“Why would you say that?” he tilted his head, arching an eyebrow, “As long as you don’t ruin it, I don’t see there being a problem.”

DERP!  STORM WING CAN’T SEE!  It probably just sensed or... whatever... seemed like another set of armor to him!

“Oh.  Nothing,” I admitted with an inward sigh of relief, “Let’s motor!”

“Moto-...” he started to ask before I interrupted him.

“Ugh!  Forget it!  Lead the way!” I cried out.

“Seriously, that armor isn’t easy to make, don’t ruin it,” he ordered as he turned around and cantered out of the armory into a take-off.  The bastard made me chase him the entire way, and to put things bluntly, that irked me.  So Screw Captain Storm Wing, everypony.

We ran back through the Ball Room of the Royal Palace and I considered stopping to grab my pancakes, but that would have been rather inconsiderate of me to upset Luna’s sleep just for pancakes.  She had better eat them when she wakes up, I told myself.  I hated wasting.  One of the qualities that my Dad had beat into my thick skull.

When we came back outside to the Courtyard, I saw Twilight and Celestia happily chatting it up with one another.  I had almost forgotten that Twilight was even here!

“Hey!  Cool!  Is Twilight coming with?” I asked as I cantered up, sweating and panting a bit from the run.

“Hello, Firewall.  And I think it’s best to not take the risk,” Celestia answered, causing both Twilight and I to show looks of equal disappointment.

“But, Princess, I might be able to help,” she humbly pointed out.

“I don’t want to endanger you on a might, my dear,” Celestia countered, shaking her head.  I could tell she wasn’t entirely committed to the idea, though.  How?  Lemme put it this way:  When Celestia has made a decision, you will know whether or not the conversation is over.  Trust me.  It’s like this gut wrenching feeling that tells you arguing could get you sent to the moon for a thousand years or something.  But that wasn’t the case here.  She was just being overprotective of Twilight.

“Better to have a pony and not need her,” I said very seriously, somehow able to hold a straight face, “Than to need a pony and not have her.”

“Wow, that’s... profound,” Twilight tilted her head, “Did you come up with that on your own?”

“Sure did!”  I lied so hard that I couldn’t help but chuckle, “No, I totally robbed that line from Earth.  I just ponified it.”

“Is that... an actual word in your world?” Silverheart asked as she approached from behind me.

“Oh, it’s the lukewarm caltrop!” I exclaimed happily.  I went to give her a hug, but she just stiffarmed (stiffhoof’d?) me right in the face.

Celestia laughed at me for a moment before sighing in resignation and looking down at a hopeful purple pony face.  After several seconds of silence, she shook her head, “Do I have your word that you will stay safe?”

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” Twilight swore eagerly, remembering to close her damn eye before shoving her hoof into it.  I couldn’t help but do the motions right along with her, which brought about even more laughter from everypony, except for Storm Wing who was tilting his head as though he were trying to figure out what species we really were.

“I think his crazy is starting to affect the other ponies,” he said with a serious nod, “I vote we lock him up and throw away the key.  I volunteer to take on this heavy burden.”

“Thank you but I don’t think that will be necessary, Storm Wing,” she said with a laugh before letting it trail off and regaining a modicum of seriousness, “We’re leaving soon.  Storm Wing, Silverheart, I want you to stay with me while the rest of the Sky Archons protect the city.  I’ve sent the Equestrian Guard to our borders as we know nothing about our enemy.”

Storm Wing and Silverheart both gave a nod, acknowledging her orders.

“Firewall, I can’t help but feel this has something to do with you,” she admitted, taking a somewhat apologetic stance on her confession, “I’ve been debating on whether or not I should leave you here.”

“Well, not to exclude the possibility, but everything can’t always be about me, right?” I asked hopefully, not believing my own words, “Unless you have a reason to think it does.”

“No.  Just a feeling.  Which... is why you’re coming with us.  That way I can find out for certain if it’s true,” she reasoned.  I think she was trying to do more convincing of herself than she was of me.

“Okay.  Good.  Would have been silly if I had gotten all dressed up for nothing,” I gave a laugh, smirking happily.

“In Winter Sky’s old armor, no less.  I’m not surprised, actually.  He was the only Sky Archon that could compare to you in terms of size,” she gave her nod of approval.  Storm Wing looked as though he’d been kicked in the head as the revelation set in.

“Please, deliver my orders, Captain.  We’ll be off as soon as you return,” she commanded gently, blinking when Storm Wing didn’t instantly obey, “Captain?”

Silverheart looked over at him facing my general direction, seemingly zoned out.  Before anypony could say anything, she gave him a kick to the hindquarters to jerk him out of his conflicted stupor.  I wasn’t so sure that it was a good idea for me to have been wearing his old man’s armor.

“Oh!” he snapped free of his daze, still facing me as he gave a nod, “Of course.  Right away, your majesty.”

With that, Silverheart and Storm Wing took off.  Celestia sighed wistfully and glanced my way, “Please do not take it the wrong way, Firewall.  I do not believe he disapproved but was merely unprepared.”

“Dude, he has every right to be freaking out,” I said in all seriousness.  Then I realized I had called Celestia a dude and choked down the urge to bust out laughing at myself.

By the way, everypony, that’s the secret to lifelong happiness.  Do not take yourself seriously.  The less pride and arrogance you have and the less you fear the public’s eye on you, the more you’ll enjoy life.  Cross my heart, Hope to... Yeah, you know where I’m going with this.

Storm Wing and Silverheart returned with a pair of loud thunderclaps announcing their arrival.  Twilight and I nearly jumped out of our skin, while Celestia rubbed at one of her ears with a slight grimace.

“We’ve done as you ordered, your majesty,” he announced, bowing in mid air to her, Silverheart following suit, “We are prepared to leave.”

“Thank you, Storm Wing, Silverheart.  Please continue to work on less deafening arrivals,” she responded with a smile before whistling as though calling a horse.  Rather than a horse, we got the Awesome Sky Carraige of Awesomeness™ again!  I was instantly thrilled!  I hopped right on and grinned madly at everypony, already ready to get in the air (I think my tail was wagging, even.).  Best thing about flying hundreds of feet off the ground?  No bugs.  Bugs suck.  I wonder how many bugs Rainbow Dash has eaten flying low to the ground.

“Somepony’s excited,” Twilight commented before boarding as well, Celestia moving inbetween us.  

“Yah!” I agreed, tapping my front two hooves in alternation to portray it a little more.

We all took our seats and without another moment wasted, we were off.  I lit up as I usually did in transit, still polite enough to keep my smoke and ashes on the outside.  My mind began to wander around as we moved through the sky, going right back to the place that we had been to yesterday.  I nearly zoned out before suddenly remembering the voice that had tried to warn me.  It was then I looked at Celestia and gave her a gentle poke of my hoof to garner her attention.  Celestia seemed surprised.  Apparently, being a princess, most ponies don’t just poke her.  I had to chuckle a bit, realizing that I was just so comfortable around everypony that I’d yet to act with any propriety around them, princesses included.

“So, you know this is probably a trap, right?” I pointed out to her, “I mean, I’ve complete faith that you know what you’re doing, I’m just curious as to what you have in mind.”

“I plan to negotiate to the best of my ability,” she answered in all seriousness, “If proper terms can be met for good and proper reasons, then I would avoid any unnecessary violence.”

I tilted my head a bit before shrugging, entirely okay with that explanation.  As I had said, I had every bit of faith in Celestia.  She obviously knew more than I did and has been spending a very, very long time as the monarch of a thriving, beautiful world.  What more did one need to hear before they would be convinced?

I finally found out why it took less than an hour to get to get to the R.C.R.P.S. (Much easier to say than Ruins of the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters!).  Because it wasn’t far from Canterlot at all!  In fact, after a bit of looking around, I discovered that I had flown over the damn thing on my way to Ponyville to get a pony that would lead me through the forest!  Casually observant of my surroundings, I am not.

We touched down in the Ruined Atrium just outside the central building and disembarked from the Carriage, which flew off into the sky all on its own.  I bet Celestia has no problems finding a parking space with a ride like that!  I JELLY!

“Are we the first ones here?” I asked, looking around to see nopony but us.

“They’re either not here yet or perhaps they are already in the Council Room,” Celestia readily supplied as she made her way towards the central building.

“Or lying in wait to ambush us.  That’s always an option,” Silverheart said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Aren’t you cheerful” Twilight laughed a bit as we all followed Celestia inside.

“She’s about as cheerful as an irritated basilisk.  That’s why she’s my Artillery partner,” Storm Wing acknowledged with a smirk as we entered into the Council Room, which was actually still in decent shape despite its age.  It was a large dome building with a long rectangular table in its center and an entrance at every compass point.  There were spots specifically shaped to hold cushions for ponies to sit on and though there were no cushions at the time, having a pair of powerful magic ponies makes that an easily overcome obstacle.  After all the table spaces were properly cushioned, we all took our seats.  For those of you that simply MUST know, the order from left to right was Silverheart, Celestia, Storm Wing, Me, and Twilight.  Getting bored of descriptions.

“So uh... How long will we have to wait?” I asked, getting fidgety after the first few minutes.

“Not long at all, my silly admirer!” I heard Trixie’s voice and instantly perked up with a huge smile as she appeared along the other side of the table with an arrogant smile.

“Trixie!” I threw up my hooves happily.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie!” she stated firmly, crossing her hooves and holding her head up proudly before noticing the pony sitting beside me, “YOU!  The second-rate unicorn that tried to show me up back at that backwater hamlet!”

Twilight rolled her eyes before glaring right back, suddenly not so happy she had come along after all.  I could tell she was biting her tongue.  She and Trixie didn’t get along.  People make all these Twixie ships and while there may have been a flankload of tension between the two of them, there was not a damned thing romantic about it.  I felt like I was going to catch on fire and then explode (TWICE!) from being on the sideline of those two glares.

That was when we heard the hoofsteps of an incoming pony.  They were loud.  As in, heavy-loud.  As they got closer they became even louder and out of the North entrance behind Trixie came the largest pony I had ever seen.  He looked like a grey version of Big Mac, only slightly bigger and more muscular!  He wore black plate and chainmail armor and a helmet that covered his head and mane completely, showing only a pair of blue glowing eyes.  Quite possibly the most uncuddly looking pony to have ever existed.  His wings were also quite large, indeed they were nearly the size of Celestia’s.  In fact, I’m still pretty sure he could break an arm with those things!  Nothing about this pony said ‘Oh hey, kids!  Let’s have peaceful negotiations and then skip home as we hold hands!’ but rather, screamed something along the lines of ‘There will be beatings and they will involve you and those you love.’

“He looks like he could eat you in one gulp,” I whispered over to Twilight, who snickered despite herself.

“Are you Azure Flora?” Silverheart asked, smirking a bit, “Because if you are, I’m going to need to leave the room.”

“Of course that’s not Azure Flora, you foal!” Trixie snapped irritably as a second set of hoofsteps belied a second pony entering, these much more soft.

That’s when we saw the villainous Azure Flora.  If I had been taking a drink of tea or something, I would have spewed it everywhere with a double take.  My jaw almost fell off as I looked at our so-called conqueror.  I was not impressed, or rather, I was, but more by just how nonthreatening she looked.  She was just a hair shorter than Trixie and a whole lot less intimidating in terms of hostile demeanor.  In fact, she was downright timid.  She was an Earth Pony with a white coat and a royal blue tail and mane.  She looked about as fierce as Fluttershy, in all honesty.  Even her brown saddle bags looked like a couple of dainty young woman’s purses.

“You’re kidding,” I murmured over to Storm Wing as both Azure Flora and her bodyguard (bodypony?  ponyguard?  You get the idea!) as the two of them walked toward their seats beside Trixie, just across from us, “That’s Azure Flora.  I guess we’d be screwed if this were a cuddling competition.”

“Where?” Storm Wing’s visage was one of confusion, “All I sense is Trixie and that big guard pony.”

Celestia, Twilight, and myself all looked at him as though he were blind! Okay, yeah, I went too far on that one (No I didn’t).

“You can’t see her?” Celestia asked softly, arching an eyebrow.  The visible one, naturally.  Yes, I know it’s not always hidden, but she spends enough time using one eye that she has to be able to function without depth perception by now.

“She’s standing just behind Trixie, Captain,” Silverheart informed him, “You don’t sense her?”

“No,” he shook his head, “I see nothing but those two.”

“Technically, you don’t see at a-,” I started to point out before having to adeptly dodging Twilight’s Rebuking Hoof™, “Hah!”

“Firewall, if you cannot act maturely during grave matters, then I will send you back to the castle,” Celestia warned, not in the mood for shenanigans.

“I... Yes, I’m sorry,” I sighed, reminding myself that this situation wasn’t a joke.  I shook my head and began wondering what could keep Azure Flora hidden from Storm Wing.

“I’m surprised you had the nerve to show yourselves!” Trixie chortled pridefully as she interrupted our hushed dialogue.

“Please, Trixie, do not antagonize them,” Azure Flora gently commanded, her voice gentle and pleading.

“I... … Very well, my apologies,” Trixie looked as though she were going to be sick, having forced herself into an apology, “Let us begin.”

“Agreed,” Celestia agreed agreeably (I agree, that was an excess of agreement.) as we all sat up and paid attention, “I’m glad you’re willing to negotiate peacefully.  I am Princess Celestia, Ruler of Equestria.”

“I am Azure Flora.  Nothing more,” she replied humbly, “Forgive the impunity, Princess, but Equestria is in danger from a lurking threat.  At first I thought this threat was merely attempting to sabotage the royal family from within, but certain... sources have led me to believe that the threat is unknown even to the source itself.”

“I see,” Celestia nodded, taking Flora’s words very seriously, “And where did you learn of this threat?”

“I’ve seen it before,” she murmured, looking down, “This is not the first time this has happened, and I... I think you know that already, your highness.”

“Suppose that I don’t,” Celestia countered, her visage fading into slight confusion, “How would you convince me of this threat?”

“Your majesty, there is no proof I could offer.  That is why I was preparing to fight for this cause.  I... I can not let history repeat itself,” she looked back up at all of us, having steeled herself in determination, “I will not fail.”

“What is this history?” I asked, listening very closely.

She flinched.  Visibly.  And we all noticed.  She then looked at me and frowned sadly, “You are not the first human to have come to Equestria.”

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!  Yeah, that sound didn’t actually play, but if it had, no one would have been surprised.  I looked at the others in shock, gauging their reactions.  Storm Wing seemed contemplative, though Twilight was more so.  Celestia certainly looked as shocked as I felt, actually having leaned back a bit.

“How do you know what a human is?” Twilight spoke up, quick to wrangle details out of her.

“As I said, the one you’ve named Firewall.  He is not the first,” she repeated herself, “I was quite familiar with the last one.”

“How do you know his name?”  Storm Wing looked in her general direction.

“I’m... adept at gathering information.  I would rather not reveal my methods, should this yield unfavorable results,” she admitted, nodding an apology.

“What human came before me?” I asked, staring hard.

“I do not know his name,” she shook her head, “I was simply one of the innocents caught in the chaos he caused.”

“The last human to have visited Equestria vanished a thousand years ago,” Celestia announced.  That princess just raised the ante on the ‘my-mind-effing-blown’ factor.

“You knew the entire time!” I gasped (I think this is the very first time in my life I gasped and seriously meant it.)  (Wait, strike that, I gasped when I got a Super Nintendo for Christmas of ‘93!) out loud.

“I will explain later,” she promised, keeping her eye fixed on Azure Flora, “I knew I recognized you.  I never forget one of my little ponies.  You were a gardener, then.”

“Yes,” she gave a nod.

“Wait, you’re over a thousand years old!” I pointed an armored hoof at Flora.

“I am,” she confirmed.

“You were there when Luna became Nightmare Moon!” Twilight emulated my gasp.  I admit, hers was cooler.  That’s what you get when you’re competing with O.P. Sparkle, I suppose. “Did you see what happened?”

“I did,” These two-word answers were getting pretty silly.  I almost wanted to ask her something silly, such as if she had ever dressed up in a colt’s suit or something.  Just to throw her off, y’know?  I didn’t, though.  The tension was so thick here, you could have cut a chunk of it out and bludgeon somepony senseless with it.  So, I was definitely not going to find out just how quickly I could get magic’d the hell out of there by shattering the heavy mood.

“What happened the day The Nightmare was defeated?  What happened to Winter Sky?  My father!” Storm Wing slammed his hooves on the table, “You were there, weren’t you?!”

“I was,” she nodded, looking to Celestia, “Shall I tell him, Princess?”

“All will be explained in time, Everypony.  Let us conclude this business and then we will talk at length later,”  Celestia looked over at me, Storm Wing and Twilight.  We all promptly shut the front do... err... We hushed, “Now, Azure Flora, you think that Firewall is a danger to us all.  Why is that?”

“This,” she finally reached into her saddle bags and tossed a fist-sized ball of metal onto the table.  Trixie winced initially, becoming more comfortable as it rolled from her and more towards us.

“Inmanipulon,” Twilight gasped, her eyes widening, “You were the one that stole it from the crater!”

“You’ve given it a name?  I always called it Anti-Magic (SEE?!).  It’s a dangerous substance.  It can be metal, it can be wood, it can be sand, and it can be liquid,” she explained, staring at it with a hint of malice, “Whatever the shape or state it is in, it is dangerous.  Short-term exposure has random minor effects, easily cured by bathing with a special formula.  Longer term effects are even more random and can be far more dire.  Mine was the loss of my mortality (Z-Z-Z-ZOOOMBIE PONY?!) as well as my special talent, which was growing and arranging beautiful flowers in a small shop.  I also cannot be affected by magic.”

That explained why Storm Wing couldn’t see her, I suddenly realized.  Magic apparently wasn’t even able to perceive her.

Twilight seemed doubtful, tilting her head, “Then why wasn’t I affected when I was at the crater?”

“What little there was at the summoning site was small in quantity and thinly dispersed in a large area.  You would have had to practically roll in the dirt to have seen any effects,” she explained with a nod, “Even a normal bath would have been enough to cleanse you.”

“Wait, random effects?  Special formula bath?” I’d heard of this before, “That doesn’t sound familiar to you, Twilight?”

“The Poison Joke!” Twilight caught the reference instantly, “Is this related to it?”

“Yes.  Poison Joke grows in areas where the substance has resided for a few months,” she clarified, “Much of the Everfree forest is where the... Inmanipulon, you called it?  Fitting, I suppose.  But yes, the Inmanipulon remnants of the last human are mostly found around the Everfree forest.  There isn’t much left that hasn’t eroded into dust, but when enough is gathered in one place, the Poison Joke begins to grow.  The pollen can temporarily carry the same effects as the genuine article, but even those have become less potent.  While generally harmless now, it was not always.  The horrible truth is that this forest once lived up to its ghastly reputation, and still does to a greatly lessened degree.  I’d almost dared to hope that a few more centuries and it would have become completely safe for ponies once again.  And it will be, but only if the human goes home.”

I was flabbergasted!  My jaw was in a constant state of being hung wide open!  I had that feeling, something gnawing at me that me being here was bad.  I felt it as soon as I had woken up in the middle of Town Square.  I had run to Twilight to see if it was true or if I was just being paranoid.  Yet here it was, an ancient Earth Pony staring me down, telling me that history was just going to repeat a tragic event, and only because I was just sitting around, polluting the air.

“So... How does it work?” I asked, slightly numb all over, “What causes me to create this stuff?”

“I don’t know!  I just know something about you, or perhaps the world you come from stagnates magic!” she cried out suddenly, shaking her head in frustration, “What frustrates me the most is how it’s inconsistent with you.  The crater you left from being summoned here was covered in the substance!  Yet you’ve been here for days and I’ve not been able to find a speck elsewhere!  But I’m not waiting for more to appear!  This castle, or rather, what’s left of it, is proof enough that even a grand city such as the one that once surrounded the former capitol can not weather the effects of your entropic aura!  You have to leave, Firewall.  And if you don’t... I... I’ll make you leave.”

I nodded.  It made sense, strangely enough.  As painful as it was for me to admit it, even just on the inside, I believed her.  Humans just... don’t belong in Equestria.

“So... How do I get home?”  I swallowed, idly running a hoof over the table just to busy some part of me.  Distracting oneself, if you would.

“No, this is nonsense!” Twilight gave the floor a stamp of her hoof, “I’ve done research on this substance and I have no reason to believe that he is responsible for it’s creation.  I mean, he uses magic!  And extremely well, for that matter!  He’s a unicorn for crying out loud!”

“I don’t pretend to understand it.  I just know what has happened in the past and I’m not taking any risks.  I’ve been given the power to fight the corruption, and fight it I will,” her voice was soft, but it was like wrapping a steel bar in a layer of cotton.

“I understand your concerns, Azure Flora.  And I agree this does indeed bear investigation,” Celestia nodded.  Hell, I agreed with her.  My being here was indirectly causing enough problems.  It wasn’t too far of a stretch of the imagination to believe that I was a source of the stuff when it only just surfaced the very day I arrived.

“It may already be too late, Princess.  We must take action now and work towards getting him back to wherever he came from,” she pleaded.

“I won’t banish anypony who has done no wrong just on your word,” Celestia shook her head somewhat, “I will, however, ask that you help us by telling us everything you know so that we may get as much of a head start as possible.”

Azure Flora shook her head sadly as she listened to Celestia.  That wasn’t good enough for her, and I could tell by the way she was tensing her body that negotiations were about to end.  Violently.

“And that is why I must wrest control of Equestria from you,” she answered sorrowfully before nodding at Trixie.

When Trixie jumped up on the table and pointed her horn at me, I expected something silly.  Instead, I got something dangerous.  Namely a bolt of lightning that I just barely jumped away from in time.

“That concludes negotiations, everypony!  Thank you for coming,” Silverheart sardonically stated as she and Storm Wing turned and bucked the table up and over.  I almost laughed, despite myself.  I can appreciate a witty line in tight situations.

I heard Trixie squeal in shock as she fell back off the table.  It didn’t fall over on them, shockingly enough, having paused at ninety degrees.  Frost covered it all over in what seemed like an instant before it shattered like glass.  The large pegasus pony that had been standing by Azure Flora literally froze and shattered that huge stone table like a ceramic plate.  Somepony had some cool friends, no pun intended.

Twilight’s horn began to shimmer but Azure Flora held her hoof out.  That ball of anti-magic metal suddenly warped into a long serpentine shape before wrapping itself around Twilight’s neck like a fashion accessory.  I suppose we should have been grateful that she didn’t try to strangle Twilight, but taking her out of the fight so easily was not instilling great amounts of confidence in us.

The big frosty pegasus made a dash for me, flying like a rocket.  He never made it to me, though, thanks to Storm Wing diving into him and using the good ol’ taser hoof.  It’s much funnier when it’s not used on me, I admit.

Trixie shot another bolt at me, but Celestia deflected it with a bit of her own magic as Silverheart reared up, flapping her wings and slamming back down to send a gust forth that shoved Trixie back, though Flora’s hair didn’t even get ruffled by the wind.  I decided I wasn’t going to wait for something else to attack me and began to rush at Azure Flora.  She wasn’t far away and thus I was on her in an instant.  When her eyes widened and she fell back out of instinct, throwing her hooves up to protect herself, I lost my nerve.  I felt so small when I heard her whimper, and it was like letting the air out of a fight-balloon.  She was just another little pony, having been frightened into action.

“Please,” I said, frowning at her, “Just... come with us.  We can work this out.  I don’t want to hurt anypony.”

For a moment, she looked as though she would comply, but after contemplating, she looked at me with resolve once again.

“Neither did he!” she cried, jumping up and dashing for the exit behind her.  I started to chase her, but she haphazardly bucked at me as she screamed for help.

Spurred to action, the frosty stallion finally threw Storm Wing off his back and froze one of his hooves to the floor before dashing after her.  He was faster than I thought was possible on the ground because I had to roll out of his way as he thundered by.  He called out to Trixie as he passed her, his voice cold and hoarse (That pun was totally intended!  Lawl cold horse.), “Trixie.  Retreat.”

“The Great And Powerful Trixie does not retreat!  She merely allows her opponents to live in fear of her retribution!” she snarled before disappearing in another wink.  The cold pony literally closed the path behind him with a wall of ice.

“C’mon!” I shouted, burning the ice down as Storm finally freed his hoof, “Azure Flora has to escape on foot, er... hoof!  Remember?  She can’t be affected by magic!”

Silverheart and Storm Wing nearly ran me over as they flew out the exit.  Celestia paused to look back at Twilight.

“Will you...” she started to ask before being interrupted.

“Yes, I’ll be fine!  Hurry, this might be our only chance,” Twilight protested, “I’ll get back to Ponyville and get this dumb thing off my neck.  Quick, go catch her!”

With that, we bolted out into the ruins of the Courtyard as Celestia whistled loudly, calling in an airlift via the A.S.C.A. (Yes, the Awesome Sky Carriage of Awesomeness™).  We hopped on without it ever stopping and took off after them.  Shocking as this was, we actually were struggling to catch up to them.  Turns out Frosty the Ice Pony was a fast flier, despite that huge frame of his.  In fact, the only reason we were able to gain ground was likely due to the fact that he was having to carry Azure Flora.  So much for travelling by hoof!

I was wondering where Silverheart and Storm Wing were when they suddenly shot out of a nearby cloud and team-tackled our quarry.  They fought to ground him and in the struggle, Azure Flora slipped loose and began to fall.  I’m glad Celestia was quick on the turn and had the kind soul to help her enemy, because it would have traumatized me to see anything bad happen to her, misguided as she was.

We went in for a pass and to my shock, Celestia had totally mistimed the catch.  Once again, my gut reaction was to jump an unsafe distance to save somepony.  My aim was significantly better, fortunately and I repeated the same trick I had done to save Luna.  Luckily, the armor took the worst of the hit, but that still didn’t mean it felt good!

We landed in a large clearing just outside of the forest’s edge.  I didn’t recognize it as any place significant, though I do remember spotting a few red buttes in the distance, so I figured we weren’t far from the railroad tracks that led to Appleloosa.

“This is becoming... a terrible theme.  Next falling pony gets... to take one for the team,” I groaned as I held onto the frightened pony, “You okay?”

“Y... Yes,” she was shivering, scared out of her mind.  It didn’t take her long to realize that she was still in trouble and with that realization in mind, she hoofed me right in my damn face before jumping up and sprinting away.  Gratitude at its finest.

“Trixie!” she called out, “Help!”

The magician pony appeared with a puff and confidently put herself between me and Flora.

“Trixie,” I warned, seriously conflicted deep within, Lafter and Stoic waging war over whether or not to remove the silly pony as an obstacle, “Get out of the way or you will regret it.”

Trixie laughed, throwing back her luxurious sky-blue mane, “You think The Great and Powerful Trixie would soil her lovely hooves fighting you foals?!  The idea is laughable!  This negotiation was doomed from the start!  But Trixie is kind and therefore, she will leave you a parting gift!  It’s my favorite pet!  Don’t forget to feed it, LOSERS!”

With that, Trixie’s horn glowed brightly.  Like, Twilight “OP” Sparkle bright.  Which is extremely bright in first person.  Trust me when I say they’re dimming that down a whole lot in the show, because this had all of us (sans Storm Wing, -10 points if you can’t guess why) squinting as though Celestia had scooted the sun a few million miles closer.  What came next, I didn’t see coming at me in the least.  A black thunderous portal had appeared above us all, unbelievably large and only getting wider.  I didn’t think twice when I noticed something starting to come through it, I just ran.  I wasn’t the only smart one since everypony made way for whatever was manifesting up in that thing.  Even the battling pegasi had broken it up to give whatever was coming plenty of space.

It was big.  It was purple.  It was kinda glowy and transparent.  It was a full grown Ursa Major.  It landed behind us as we continued to haul tail and shook the ground with an impossibly loud roar.  My teeth vibrated like I had bit down on a lawn mower engine (not that I’ve actually done that, I just figure it would be as intense as that.) as the sheer volume caused us all to tremble involuntarily.

I looked over my shoulder and chuckled nervously as I channelled a bit of Fluttershy, “Heezabare!”

“I’m sorry.  I did not want this,” Azure Flora called out as she looked at us with a sad but resigned visage, sighing remorsefully, “But I must.  Equestria is in danger.”

With that, she dumped out both her bags of Inmanipulon and waved a hoof, creating an immensely huge metal cage around us, boxing us in with the Ursa Major.

“Curses,” Celestia spat angrily (at first I was like ‘Curses?  Really?’  but after thinking about it, what was she supposed to say? ‘By my beard!’  or ‘Oh me damn it!’) as she tried to dispel the conjuration, “How did she get so much!?”

Azure Flora gazed at us sadly.  It was obvious she did not enjoy these drastic measures.  That sure as hell didn’t make me like her any more at the moment, but to her credit, she was taking no pleasure in this.  Trixie laughed, poofing away as the icy pegasus flew off with Azure in tow.  Typical villains!  Just assume your traps defeated the Hero!  To their credit, however, I sure-as-sugar wasn’t betting on our survival either.

“Great, so we’re in a box with a bear big enough to beat an ancient dragon into the dirt.  No, I’m cool with this,” I said offhand, shaking my head in frustration, “So we just gotta trash the two-hundred foot tall bear and then we’ll have all the time we need to figure this out, right?!  Storm Wing, you get on that.  Silverheart, hold me as I whimper.”

Silverheart didn’t hold me.  She hit me in the shoulder instead.  I wasn’t comforted by that in the least, however.  In fact, I was hurt.  Not just my feelings either.  She’s got quite an arm... Leg... Hoof?   Whatever.

“Shut up,” she said quite simply as the Ursa began making its way to us.  

She was right, naturally, I just often faced my fears with nonchalance to trick myself into not freaking out.  A small voice inside was telling me that this was a perfectly justifiable freak-out moment, and another part of me was agreeing with it.  Just to paint this little scene, we were four ponies trapped in a cage about the size of the Colosseum in Rome with an ill-tempered Ursa Major.  The comparison in size alone was staggering, as I was able to see just the barest hint of atmospheric fade.  Shadow of the Colossus did not prepare me for this in the least. It was like four little frogs versus a fully grown adult human.  Don’t throw your money on the frogs, right?

(Just a thought.  This is where a commercial would go if this were an episode.  Much to my displeasure, though, this was really happening.)

“What do we do, princess?” Storm Wing asked, his mane and hooves starting to crackle with power.  Silverheart swallowed a bit, obviously intimidated but still holding her cool.  I did what I do best:  Light a cigarette and play it cool.  Cool involving getting ready to wrap a blindfold around my eyes so I don’t tense up too much.

Celestia glared at the cage, then back at the Ursa Major before uttering the most unlikely words I’d ever heard from the pony princess, “We fight.  Buy me as much time as you can, ponies.  Just be safe.”

All hesitation and second thoughts were instantly dispelled.  I looked at Silverheart and Storm Wing, both of which nodded and began to paw at the ground before charging the incredibly huge bear.  I looked back at her, smirking as I resigned myself to what I figured would probably be my last day as a pony.  Then I took off as well, snorting flame and kicking up fiery chunks of dirt in my wake.

“BEST.  WEEK.  EVER!”  I screamed like a lunatic as we began to close distance.  It wasn’t going to take very long, mostly because anything that size can haul big bear butt when it wants to.

Storm Wing took off into the sky, falling back as Silverheart slipped in front, taking flight ahead of him.  Ever see two Sky Archons work in tandem?  Okay, stupid question.  Ever imagine what two pegasi could do when working in tandem?  I have.  I was grossly underestimating their potential.  Silverheart stopped advancing as Storm Wing took to higher altitudes.  She began to loop rapidly, swirling the air about betwixt Storm Wing and the Ursa, which was still getting dangerously close to us.

I wasn’t sure what they were going for, but I didn’t like the fact that the Ursa was raising a paw to swat Silverheart out of the sky.  So I stopped just under her and I inhaled.  When I say I inhaled, I mean I burned nearly an inch off that cigarette sucking in as air much as I could hold.  Just before it could swing, I let loose enough fire that it yanked its paw back, quite singed.  That little escapade took a lot out of me.  The second worst part?  I’d received worse burns from roman candles in comparison.  The absolute worst part?  The damage seemed to fade away after a few seconds.

“Yey, I’m helping~!” I laughed sadly at how much effort I had put into causing a temporary annoyance at best.

Fact was, I was actually helping a lot, I just didn’t know it at the time.  When Storm Wing finally got enough altitude, he turned and began to dive at Silverheart, whom had actually been forming a storm cloud.  A small, concentrated thundering little beast of a cloud.  It shot lightning and everything.  Craziest thing I’d ever seen?  Not by a long shot.  But still quite mind blowing.

“Get’m, Storm!” Silverheart cheered as she veered off at the last second, releasing the cloud.  Storm Wing punched straight through it and sucked up every last bit of that lightning and thunder, ripping it right out of the cloud and dragging it with him.

I’ve been to concerts that wish they were as loud as the impact between Storm Wing and the Ursa Major.  I actually had to clap my hooves over my ears to avoid being deafened.  He connected with it right in the shoulder, literally knocking it back and into the air for just half a second.  Bears are not used to getting knocked around, thus I can assume that Ursa Majors experience such sensations with even less frequency.  It roared and thrashed for a moment as the electricity coursed throughout it before shaking its head, somewhat dumbfounded that it had just been booted into the air by such a small opponent.

“That should have put it down!” Silverheart protested, not believing her eyes.

“It’s magically protected,” Celestia’s eyes were shut as her horn flashed over and over, “I’m still trying to dispel them all!”

Now, I’m not an incredibly fair fighter.  I mean, when I get into fights, it’s not for fun.  It’s because something huge is on the line and it’s gone far enough that I’m willing to do whatever it takes for that something.  Celestia’s life, Silverheart’s life, my life?  Those were important.  Oh, yeah, and that other jackpony.  What I’m getting at was that I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for it to get back up as a go-ahead to attack.  I just galloped up and starting roaring fire at whatever part I could reach.

Ursa Major’s response?  Roll over on me.  You’ve no idea how incredibly stupid I felt as that stupid bear’s fat butt began to roll my way, going way faster than anything I could have done to escape.  So I decided against escaping and tried to fight the tide of purple starry fur rolling my way by rearing up and slamming down, creating a pillar of fire around myself.  Remember that whole, ‘expect it and you get it’ trick?  Yeah, I owe Luna so much for that.

It brushed against the pillar before roaring again and throwing itself in the other direction.  Storm Wing and Silverheart began to roll up another Stormy-Silver-Combo-Thing when the bear finally got back to its feet and spotted them.  It wasn’t going to make it in time to stop them, so it just decided to scrape up a pawful of dirt (to us, it was like ripping up a small hill) and chucking it at Silverheart, who barely managed to dodge the worst of it.  A bit of debris caught her in the wing, however and she went down, roughly skidding along to a halt, crying out upon impact.  (C-C-C-Combo Breaker!  Bad taste, I know!)

“Man, just go away!”  I shouted before breathing more fire at its foot, causing it to roar angrily before turning at me in earnest.  It tried to stomp on my sorry plot but uh... I just burned that foot, too.  I didn’t know what else to do and I’ll be damned if it didn’t work!

Storm Wing collided with its face, though without the storm cloud, it wasn’t nearly as affective.  It roared and swatted at him a few times, driving him away as I spat a fireball (Expect it!  Ole~!  I expect you to disappear, Ursa Major!  (No, that didn’t work, sadly!)) at its face.

“Finally!”  Celestia cried out triumphantly as she shot a ray from her horn at the Ursa Major.  It hit (like you could miss something that size) it right in the nose and as soon as it did, the Ursa Major changed just a bit.

It grew armor.  Not just any armor, but a very specific armor.  I’d seen this armor, actually, and very recently, as a matter of fact.  It was the same armor that Nightmare Moon had worn, sans the horn in the helmet.

“The Ursa is being controlled by The Nightmare!” Celestia explained, teleporting to my side, “It’s not a pony, so this has to be a spell.  We just have to overcome its magic.”

Celestia tried firing another ray, but a purple mist crept forth from within the Ursa and struck the spell away.

Now, I kinda got that ‘OSHI-’ feeling when she said ‘Ursa controlled by Nightmare’ going down all over me.  I kinda broke into a cold sweat even.  But it was quickly replaced by more feelings of awesome as I realized something.

“The anti-magic crap!”  I pointed to the bars behind the bear.

“Indeed,” she was thinking the same thing, “The Inmanipulon.”

“Storm!”  I yelled up at him.  When he didn’t immediately give us his attention, I spat a couple of small fireballs at him to get him.  He didn’t think that was funny, but at least he looked our way.

“What are you doing, you foal!  Aim at the armor-clad bear!” he scolded me.

I hated the name, but apparently I had to use it, “The stupid Inmanipulon!  Push the bear into it!”

“And how are we going to do that, Genius?!” he shouted back, “Silverheart is down!”

“Ask it nicely?” I shrugged.  Damn it, Fluttershy, why aren’t you here when we have a giant monster that needs to get its face told in!?

“I’ve a better idea.  Firewall, why don’t you breathe some more fire?”  Celestia said with a smirk, her horn began to glow, “I’ll see what I can do to help.”

I watched in confusion as a line of magic lazily drift from her horn to mine.  Then, I felt it surge throughout my entire body, all at once.  I don’t think there are words for what Celestia was doing to me (Use that out of context and you may be beaten and then handed to the masses.).  It was like I had been plugged into a nuclear generator.  Ever see ‘Meet The Medic’?  Yeah, there was no way they could have made it look this awesome.  I could feel heat and fire flowing from every inch of my body and it was only getting hotter.  It was a rush like no other.  Indescribable, to be certain.  My hooves were white with heat, my entire coat and mane were blazing like the sun, and the best part was it didn’t even burn my cigarette.  I looked at the bear and considered saying something snarky just to be goofy about the entire ordeal, but I just settled for spitting out the Mareboro and roaring out the largest inferno one could possibly imagine.  The Ursa had to be at least half a mile away, but it made no difference because its body was not ready.

The Nightmare Ursa roared in protest as the flames washed over it.  It stumbled back, badly singed all over as I began to pant heavily, stopping only to take another breath.  The air was shimmering from the residual heatwave still left over from the last breath and through it I could see it staring at me angrily, this time ready to dodge.  I hesitated, unsure if I should take an uncertain shot, especially when the first had left me so lightheaded.  Storm Wing was on top of it, though, flying up to lightning-blast it in the nose with a quick pass, distracting it just long enough for me to tag it with another staggering wave of flame.  I heard Celestia gasp a bit.  This was taking its toll on her, especially within this cage.  I could relate.  I was barely able to stand after that second one.  I even saw those same silly sparkles that let you know you’re about to pass out.

“One more, princess,” I promised, my voice somewhat unstable and melodic with all the power coursing though me.  It was obvious that such a small body was not designed to act as a conduit for so much power.  The fatigue wasn’t even in my body, it was more as though my will had been drained.

“As many as it takes, Firewall” she answered, her voice still strong, “Do not stop.”

I didn’t respond.  In all actuality, I wasn’t certain I could do one more, much less anything more than that.  Taking another deep breath, I spread the volley out a bit to push the Ursa back once more, putting everything I had left into it.  I could tell it wasn’t as strong as the last one, and to my dismay, it wasn’t enough.

Its back brushed against the cage a bit, causing it to convulse a bit as the spell faltered somewhat.  I then inhaled as hard as I could, knowing that I had to try.  Try harder than I ever had.  My lungs were aching from so much air (I’m sure smoking had NOTHING to do with that) filling them as I began to let it all out.  Just before I did, I discovered that I couldn’t go through with it, after all.  I was quaking all over just from trying to stay standing.  I began to cough violently and fell to my knees.

“I’m s*cough*sorry, Princess,” I gasped out in between breaths, my eyes watering as my body ached all over.

“You did your best,” she assured me before taking flight towards the Ursa, shining like a star as she accelerated.  The Ursa began to move, but Storm Wing was there again, like a bad penny, disorienting it by clapping thunder by its ears and striking amongst the face.  It was like watching a fly beat a man about the head and shoulders with a small tack hammer in terms of effectiveness.  Celestia took the opportunity to crash into the corrupted monster’s chest, knocking it back that last bit.

The Ursa collided with the cage, causing it to rip up out of the ground behind me as it fell over.  The effect was instant, nearly, with an explosive reaction that thrust The Nightmare out of its host.  The Ursa lost consciousness as The Nightmare was forced from its body, causing the vaporous fiend to scream in pain and fury.  I smiled tiredly, grinning in triumph as I put more weight onto my knees(those are knees, right?  Ponies have knees and not some obscure jargon for their leg joints, yes?).

“There it is, Storm Wing.  Arrest that cloud,” I chuckled as I shook my head, trying to clear the adrenaline and fatigue out.  I was just so tired after all of that and I wasn’t the only one.  Celestia  flew back lazily, landing with a shaky canter as she panted even harder than I was.  We could barely stand up, we were so exhausted.  I’m pretty sure the victory rush was the only thing keeping me awake.

“Not bad,” she gave a tired chuckle.

“No *cough* kidding.  Eat your heart out, Trixie.  We vanquished... the dreaded Ursa... Major,” I laughed a bit before falling over, fading in and out of consciousness, “Beat that.”

“Look out!” I heard Storm Wing cry out to us.

“THIS ISN’T OVER, BEAST!” I heard the furious, disembodied voice of The Nightmare echo as I felt a rush of air blowing over me.

And I was suddenly wide awake again, scrambling to my hooves as I heard Celestia gasp in shock.  The Nightmare had her.

“No!” I shouted as I turned back towards her and leaped.  Celestia was trying her best to fight it off, but I could tell in her weakened state, that wasn’t going to happen without help, “Celestia!!”

“Princess!”  I heard Storm Wing shout as he dived down at us, “NO!  Get away from her!!”

Storm Wing was just too far away, but I had a chance.  The Nightmare lifted her from the ground and my horror was absolute when I failed to grab hold.  My hoof actually nicked hers, the margin was so small.  I felt sick as I jumped again, knowing there was no way I could have closed the widening distance.  It was the single, most difficult thing I’d ever had to watch.  I thought I had known fear when Rainbow Dash was being stolen from me.  I thought I was afraid when I had faced down an Ursa Major with just three other ponies.  But for the first time since being in Equestria, the sensation of absolute terror took hold and gripped me from within.

“At last, I am victorious!” The Nightmare laughed in total glee as more of its misty form vanished into the alicorn, “Equestria is MINE!”

The skies began to shift colors as the sun changed from a warm, beautiful yellow to a threatening dark red.  Clouds swirled and formed, thundering loudly within an instant as rain and torrential winds surged forth.  The armor appeared, gold and razor sharp on Celestia’s form, adorning her hooves, neck, crown, and wings. Her multi-hued mane and tail shifted and swung low, becoming blood red.  She gave one final cry as she lost the battle to The Nightmare.

“CELESTIA!”  Storm screamed in futility, making a line straight for her.

“No,” their voiced mixed harmoniously, chilling my blood,  “Celestia no longer.  I am Nightmare Sol, Ruler of Equestria.  And you, Son of Winter Sky, are my subject.”

“Never!” he shouted as he closed the last bit of distance, only to be struck away with a wink of her magic.

“This... isn’t funny anymore,” I murmured softly, swallowing the horrible truth that floated down before me.

“On the contrary,” she replied with a small chuckle, turning to face me, “I’ve never felt like laughing so much in my entire existence.”

Next time on “Through The Eyes Of Another Pony”

“Did I not tell you, human?”

She sounded so calm.  Not nearly as feral and insane as The Nightmare was when it had no host.  Made sense, though.  Nightmare Moon was quite coherent.  I guess Nightmare Sol gets that perk, too.

“My name is Firewall.”

“No, it isn’t.  Do not lie to either of us.  Though in reality, I should ask you to continue fooling yourself.  It got me where I am today.”

“What are you talking about?  And how is it that you’re working with Azure Flora?  I can’t really believe that she ever wanted to hurt anypony!”

“She believes what she is told.  She doesn’t have to know that I brought you here, she only needs to know that you’re the cancer that is plaguing Equestria.  You, on the other hand, seem to do whatever it is you please, despite my warnings back at the ruins.  I said that you coming here would bring it all crashing down, and it did.  And you were there to help make it happen.  If you had listened from the start, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“You’re still speaking as though I’m a monstrous demon, yet I‘m the one that spared your life and YOU’RE still the one actually causing ALL of this!”

“Oh, I suppose I’ve been outsmarted again.  Oh, very well.  Perhaps I should let you roam free as I show you what I’ll do with you beloved ponies now that I have control of their great leader.  What do you think of that, ‘Brave Firewall?’”

“I think that has got to be the worst and most cliche villain mistake ever.  And you’re stupid for even considering it.”

“And you’re a foal for having fallen into my trap and delivering Celestia right to me.  I like my joke better.  It’s funnier.”

“You want to know what’s even funnier than that?  Here, I’ll sum it all up for you.  When this is all over, ponies and humans are going to read about the terrible things that I’ll have done to you.  It’ll be biblical, I promise.  You think you’re The Nightmare, but you’ll be the one begging to wake up when I get ahold of you!  I swear to you, Celestia will be free and you’re going to curse the name of whatever created you long before it’s over!  I’ll make all your fanciful delusions of misanthropic humanity look like a bedtime story!  Do you hear me?!  You’re dead!”

“In that case, I had best take care of you right now.  I’ll put that beautifully passionate threat on your grave as an epitaph.  I wouldn’t want to waste such heartfelt poetry.”

Final Author’s Note:  CONFOUND THESE PONIES!  THEY DRIVE ME TO WRITING 14000 WORDS/34 PAGES! >.<

Also, check the GoogleDoc Chat.  :)  I’m usually in there on the latest chapter, especially on chapter release days!  Drop me some feedback, though leaving comments and rates is always the bestest~!

Chapter 6                                                                                Chapter 8

BEST VIEWED THROUGH GOOGLE CHROME! >:(  OKAY?!

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Eight:  Tomorrow Never Chapters

FIREWALL!  Y U SO SAD?!

AUTHOR’S PAGE BEGIN!  HOO-HAH!  I guess we’re in the home stretch now, my enthusiastic little admirers~!  We are now at 4.8 stars at just 7 chapters in!  Hopefully five more will push us into 4.9 and then you can go rub it into the faces of all those trolls that think HiE, Self Inserts, and OC Ponies are terrible ideas! >:3

In other news, Wrek and Ice have been working really hard to create more art and I wanted to give them some more link-love, so here it is!  Follow them if you do that sorta thing on DeviantArt.  :3  They really appreciate it.  Also, you may notice the fic is taking a more serious, more emotional turn.  That’s okay, right?  I mean, comedy is still in the fic, I’m just putting an actual story in with the jokes.  Do not worry.  The humor comes first, as it is the entire spirit of this fiction.

Also, I wanted to post a few answers for everypony on questions  that I keep getting over and over.

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Q:  What inspired this fic?

A:  I was drinking (a lot) one night and a friend didn’t believe me when I said I’m a damn good writer.  Not to be the brass section of a marching band (I was pretty drunk),but I like to think it’s my talent.   I also know all the unspoken rules of writing, I just slap them in the face in this fic because I wanted to emphasize that I could write anything and make it good with enough effort.  As long as I love what I’m writing, I can make magic (or so I’m told)!  Also, when I told another friend I would be doing a self-insert fiction, he all but came right out and told me it was a stupid idea.  That meant I had to do it.  He apologized after chapter three. >:3

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Q:  What is the single most important thing when it comes to writing, in your opinion?

A:  Go for the emotion.  Emotional response is how you know you are doing it right.  When someone is screaming at their monitor in a furious rage, you’re doing it right.  When someone’s leg is bouncing from the excitement or fear, you’re doing it right.  When someone is struggling to not cry, you’re doing it right.  When someone actually starts to bawl like a baby, you’re doing it better.  When someone goes to sleep and dreams about your work, you’re doing it best.  Go for the emotion.  Everything else falls into place after that.  Just my opinion.

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Q:  Can Luna read this?/Shouts out to Luna!

A:  Read this chapter. -_-

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Q:  Are you a wizard?

A:  Negatory!  I just slap a mean keyboard! :D

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Q:  Are you Firewall/vice versa

A:  Though I’ve called this a self-insert, I guess I really shouldn’t, in all honesty.  Sure, it was a Self-Insert at first, I don’t deny that, but it’s not so simple anymore.  I mean, Firewall has a lot of me in him.  Lots and lots of me even.  In fact, he was pretty much just me in the first chapter.  However, I’m proud to say that he has outgrown that mold and is pretty much an OC at this point and has been for some time.  *sniff*  He’s all grown up now.

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Q:  Can I send you fan art, fan-fan-fiction, etc?

A:  Of course. :3  It’s flattering to know that my flagrant attempt at art inspires other people to do so as well!  I want to see it!  Send to me at Lafteroth@hotmail.com!

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Q:  How can I show my appreciation/do you take donations?

A:  This only came up a couple of times, actually, but it was a big question.  I was offered donations and while that sure went straight to my head, I knew that would be a legal nightmare.  In truth, the best way to show your love is comment, rate and  to spread this fic around.  :3  I may be no Kkat (100 page chapters!  With smaller text!  Mind blowing!  Is she single!?  How’s my hair!?), but I sure wouldn’t mind having a thousand rates and comments!

I stared at her as my heart continued to sink.  Sorrow and horror alone had caused me to break into a cold sweat.  I had seen it with my own eyes and I still did not want to believe it.  Numbness had settled in all over.  I took a step back as Nightmare Sol landed before me gently, smirking down at me arrogantly.  Her pink eyes were now golden, draconian in shape and staring right into mine, the corner of her mouth upturned in a sense of superiority.

“I don’t suppose you just... want the day to last forever or something?” I asked with a nervous chuckle.

“You’re not that lucky,” she said as she cantered forth, her flowing red mane lazily trailing behind her, “No, I’ve much greater, much grander plans in mind.  Oh~ho~ho... Yes, plans that would make you cringe in terror.”

With that, she lifted a hoof to softly stroke the side of my face, “And it’s all thanks to you, my terrible human.”

I struck that hoof away from me, suddenly no longer in the mood for humor, “Bullshit.”

“Did I not tell you, human?” she asked with a laugh, less insulted than amused by my reaction, “I certainly remember something along those lines.”

She sounded so calm.  Not nearly as feral and insane as The Nightmare was when it had no host.  Made sense, though.  Nightmare Moon was quite coherent.  I guess Nightmare Sol gets that perk, too.  The silver lining here was that I didn’t have to listen to that enraged disembodied shrieking.

“My name is Firewall,” I spat, snorting a bit of flame in anger.

“No, it isn’t.  Do not lie to either of us.  Though in reality, I should ask you to continue fooling yourself.  It got me where I am today,” she pointed out, laughing all the more, holding up a hoof up in front of her muzzle to emphasize her mirth, “So go on, then, ‘Firewall!’”

“What are you talking about?  And how is it that you’re working with Azure Flora?” I snarled, cutting a glare at her, “I can’t really believe that she ever wanted to hurt anypony!”

“She believes what she is told.  She doesn’t have to know that I brought you here, she only needs to know that you’re the cancer that is plaguing Equestria,” she gave a shrug as if to say she was helpless in that regard, “You, on the other hand, seem to do whatever it is you please, despite my warnings back at the ruins.  I said that you coming here would bring it all crashing down, and it did.  And you were there to help make it happen.  If you had listened from the start, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“You’re still speaking as though I’m a monstrous demon, yet I‘m the one that spared your life and YOU’RE still the one actually causing ALL of this!” I growled at her, already sick to death of this conversation.

“Oh, I suppose I’ve been outsmarted again.  Your logic is so strong and flawless!  Oh, very well.  Perhaps I should let you roam free as I show you what I’ll do with you beloved ponies now that I have control of their great leader.  What do you think of that, ‘Brave Firewall?’” she mocked, pouting her lips at me.

“I think that has got to be the worst and most cliche villain mistake ever.  And you’re stupid for even considering it,” I remarked, giving her a derogatory snort of laughter.

“And you’re a foal for having fallen into my trap and delivering Celestia right to me.  I like my joke better,” she gave a wing shrug, “It’s funnier.”

“You want to know what’s even funnier than that?” I asked before trotting up to her, getting a hoof full of dirt on the sly, “Here, I’ll sum it all up for you.  When this is all over, ponies and humans are going to read about the terrible things that I’ll have done to you.  It’ll be biblical, I promise.  You think you’re The Nightmare, but you’ll be the one begging to wake up when I get a hold of you!  I swear to you, Celestia will be free and you’re going to curse the name of whatever created you long before it’s over!  I’ll make all your fanciful delusions of misanthropic humanity look like a bedtime story!  Do you hear me?!  You’re dead, Nightmare!”

“In that case, I had best take care of you right now,” she frowned, no longer amused by my threatening rant, “I’ll put that beautifully passionate threat on your grave as an epitaph.  I wouldn’t want to waste such heartfelt poetry.”

“You’ll have to catch me first,” I murmured softly before showing that I still don’t play fair.  Remember that dirt I got a hooffull of?  I had been pumping as much heat into it as I could without being caught.  As such, I chucked that hoof full of superheated dirt right into her pretty serpentine eyes before turning and sprinting off.  Yes, I know, that’s terrible of me, but I was in no shape to be taking on ponies of my caliber, much less possessed demi-god-ponies.  So instead of a fight, she got a load of fiery sand to the face, “STORM WING!  WE ARE LEAVING!”

I looked over to see Storm haphazardly stumbling back to a standing position.  He’d seen better days, but he was no worse off than I was at least.  Using that bit of magic just to heat up that sand had taken more out of me than I had expected, even in this state.

“But the princess,” he stammered, shaking his head.

“AGGGH!  I will scour you from this world!” I heard Nightmare Sol scream furiously behind me, “There is no place you can run!”

I looked back to watch her fire off a few random spells in different directions.  Judging by the damage they were causing, I don’t think I would have lasted very long if I had tried to take her head on.  I ran over to Storm and gently nudged him with a whisper, “Look, if you want to go try and save her right now with us the way we are, be my guest.  Actually no, that’s stupid.  I’ll save you the time and tell you that she’ll just kill you or worse.  I need you to fetch me the Sky Carriage, wherever it is.  I’ll take care of Silverheart.  Go.  Now!”

When he didn’t immediately comply, I bucked at him which forced him to dodge into the air.  I really just wasn’t in the mood for waiting and I certainly wasn’t in the mood for consolation.  After another second, he got the idea and sped off, leaving me to run over to the incapacitated shiny silver pony.  I looked over to see Sol rubbing at her eyes, still crying out in pain and I knew I didn’t have much time.  I threw Silverheart over my shoulder and began to gallop as fast as I could.  It didn’t take much longer for her to wake up and start looking around lazily.  I was bolting back into the Everfree Forest since it was the only thing with any visual cover nearby.  I don’t think I would have made it to Appleloosa if I tried that route.  It was only a few days away by hoof, so yeah.  Hop, skip, and a jump, right?

“Did we win?” she asked with a bland expression on her face.

“Yes,” I said with a nod, “That’s why we’re running our sorry plots away as fast as we can.”

“So we didn’t win,” she replied with a wince.

“Not much gets by you, darling,” I confirmed with a snarl, “Also, if you hit me, I’m dumping you out here and leaving you to The Nightmare.”

“Oh,” she shook her head as we finally slid into the sanctuary of the forest, “What happened?”

“I’ll tell you when I’m not angry, how about that?” I snapped, already feeling bad for having taken out some of my frustration on her, “Can you walk or fly?”

“Lemme s-Ow... Um.  No,” she answered after an experimental movement, “Why?”

“Because we might have had to split up,” I groaned irritably.

“Why?” she continued to pursue.

A beam of energy that screamed like a nails on a chalkboard immolated the tree right beside us.  It wasn’t a small tree, nor was it a small beam.  In fact, the tree was one of the biggest I had seen in Equestria (And so was the beam for that matter!).

“Oh,” she stated with a nod, “That’s a pretty good reason.”

“I’d like to think so,” I concurred with a sigh, crestfallen with the realization that Nightmare Sol knew where I was.  I wasn’t particularly fast, and Nightmare Sol could fly, had better magic, and was not burdened by a passenger.  I was still going to give it my damnedest, I told myself.  That in mind, I sprinted amongst the trees, dodging in and out of them as I moved, making myself an evasive target as I galloped and hoping that landing a hit would be more difficult that way.  It was when I spotted an incredibly huge tree that had fallen down in front of us that I cursed aloud.  I had to veer to the left which led to a small gorge.  Small or not, though, I wasn’t going to make that jump with Silverheart on my back and I had the feeling turning around was going to lead to my premature, but no doubt lovely funeral.  I imagine there would be flowers, some crying ponies, some jackpony singing ‘It’s A Great Day To Be Alive’ by Travis Tritt, and a heartfelt eulogy by some pastor that would struggle to define and describe me since he had never met me in person.  At least the song would have been lovely.

“Keep running,” Silverheart commanded as she wrapped her hooves around my neck, “Jump as hard as you can!”

I didn’t know what else to do, so I obeyed.  Just before the jump, I felt a surge of lightness and my jump propelled me incredibly far.  For a moment, I thought I was flying and if I had any wings, I’m pretty sure I could have done just that.  I almost became not unhappy (SUFFER, YOU DOUBLE NEGATIVE GRAMMAR NAZIS!) as I realized that Silverheart had just given me a taste of pegasus magic and that our chances of escaping were starting to look a little better.

“Nice one,” I exhaled upon landing on the other side of the gorge, “Got any more tricks?”

“Such as what?” she asked as we both looked back over our shoulder to see Nightmare Sol in the sky, scouring the trees for us.

“Fog.  Lots of it,” I suggested with a whisper, as I rounded a tree and took small break, “Like... I want the forest to be impossible to see from above.”

“No can do.  I have to be able to fly to create the vortex that condenses the water enough to make clouds.  Duh,” she said with a shake of her head.

I stared at her like she was mutating into a platypus or something.  She had just given me a scientific rebuttal to my request for magic.  It was like asking if one could solve a math problem but was told no because their grammar was bad.  Hell, magic was like... the antithesis to science, right!?  Silverheart was spouting complete nonsense, in my opinion!

“But magic... ponies... you just science it... AGH!” I shook my head in frustration.  MAGIC  Y U NO WORK?

“That’s common knowledge,” she gave me a skeptical stare, mirroring my incredulous attitude.

“Oh, it’s common knowledge, is it?!  Just shut up.  I’m going to pretend we didn’t have a conversation about this,” I replied with a sad laugh, my mind still reeling from the blow to my universal perception.

Before she could reply, Nightmare Sol suddenly landed with an explosive crash just meters away from us.  I’m pretty sure I nearly wet myself in shock.  Don’t even try to judge me.

“This chase is over, barbarian,” she seethed, aiming her horn at us and glaring with both her eyes.  If I wasn’t scared out of my mind, I would have noticed that sooner and vocalized my fascination.  However, I was just frightened.  Shrieking-little-girl frightened.

For no apparent reason, Silverheart threw her hooves over my eyes.  At first I thought she was trying to spare me the horror of death by pony (As if the cupcakes nightmare wasn’t bad enough).  As it were, though, I heard a thunderous clap as though lightning had just struck mere inches from me.  I jumped like a scared bunny and dared a glance.  Today was not Nightmare Sol’s day for seeing very well.  From what I gathered, Silverheart had caused a lightning strike right in front of our pursuer and was successful in blinding her as I had done.  Pegasus flashbang!  I’ll put it this way, it was sill bright even through her hooves.

“I will destroy you both!” Nightmare Sol roared angrily as she shut her eyes, rearing up and shaking the ground with a thunderous stomp.

“Run, you idiot!” she shrieked, hitting me in the back of the head with her hoof as Nightmare Sol vaporized a boulder right beside us, crying out in anger.  That had to be frustrating.  She was probably going to need glasses if this kept up much longer.  Wouldn’t that be silly?  (She could get tape to hold them together after they get broken!)

Needless to say, I didn’t argue and took off as fast as I could.  Everything from my back, to my neck, to my legs, and I’m pretty sure even my poor tail were all aching from exhaustion.  I listened to the thunderous skies that Sol had summoned and thought of Storm Wing.  Just how long was he going to take?

“We have to hide, we’re not going to outrun her,” Silverheart pointed out, watching our backs as I tried to put distance between us and our attacker.

“We just have to wait.. for Storm Wing to find us,” I answered, starting to pant heavily.

I looked back and felt a modicum of relief as I did not spot Nightmare Sol in the sky or on our tails.  I continued to run, grunting with every soft beat of my hooves against the dirt.  The toll it was taking on my body was starting to be more than I could handle.  I began to lose speed and while I could simply order myself to speed back up, at first, it wasn’t long before my hooves were going on strike and no longer taking orders.

“You’re slowing down,” Silverheart pointed out, “What’s wrong?”

“I... I’m not... I’m just too,” I literally slowed down to a canter, finally running out of steam.  I looked forward to spot another ravine and groaned in exasperation.  What the hell had happened to the stupid Everfree Forest?  It had more cracks in it than a dropped egg!

“You don’t have the strength, do you?” she asked, to which I slowed to a stop and shook my head, panting like a dog.

“You’re... too fat,” I couldn’t help myself, okay!?  I was about to die, I had to get one last laugh in!  It was totally worth the bitchhoof (Pony bitchslap, fyi.  Yeah, I know.  Unnecessary profanity.)  that I got to the back of my head, too!

“You are the most immature, undisciplined, stupid human I’ve ever met!” she wasn’t amused by my nonchalant nature.  I mean, I really didn’t want to die, but at this point, I’d had a chance to brohoof Dash, glomp Trixie, squeeze Fluttershy, hug Twilight, kick Blueblood in the face, and fly throughout the air.  My bucket list was all cleaned up a long time ago.

Yeah, that’s actually all a bunch of nonsense.  I was simply in a complete state of inner panic and my trigger reaction for calming myself in bad situations is... Well... Humor.  Laugh it away.  Worst thing that could happen is you die laughing, right?  I make fun of horror movies, I giggle at awkward situations, I make bad jokes when I was looking at purchasing the farm (which is slang for dying, for those of you that don’t get that age old adage.).  It’s a stupid self-defense that keeps me from losing my cool, simply because my mind simply stops working when I lose my cool.  I’m one of the sheep after that.  I don’t like being a sheep, and if that involves laughing in the face of death (that actually sounds pretty badass) then so be it.

“I’m also the... sexiest... coolest one, too,” I pointed out, reminding her that I was the only one she had ever met.

“This is how it ends,” she gave a groan as she began whining in frustration “Couldn’t have just been slowly eaten by a dragon or something, could it?!  No, it had to be stuck with you!”

“I’ll make sure you don’t suffer long,” Nightmare Sol’s lovely and sinister voice came from behind us.

I turned and scampered back a few steps, unintentionally putting myself dangerously close to the aforementioned ravine.  I looked downat the river at the bottom and... really, I didn’t feel like taking the shot.  It was a long way down and I don’t think there was any point in taking a jump when your pursuer could just fly down after you.

“Quite a merry chase you’ve led me on,” she started to gloat with a sadistic smile as she began to emit a flashing light from her horn.  Silverheart tried flicking her tail, but nothing happened except for a tiny spark.  She was blocking out our magic, “Too bad it couldn’t go on f-...”

“Oh, god, please... do not... monologue me to death,” I groaned in between breaths, rolling my eyes and shaking my head.

“Silence!” she snapped angrily, not appreciative of my lack of appreciation for the situation, “You’re in no position to make demands!”

“For once, I agree with him,” Silverheart shook her head, “I’ve no intention of listening to your drivel before it’s all over.  Get it over with.”

Her eye twitched furiously for a few moments before she quickly brought herself back to sensible thinking.  She coughed and nodded before simply smirking.

“Very well.  Consider it your final request,” she lowered her horn at us as it began to illuminate the entire area around us.

My mind flashed to my family, my friends, the ponies, Luna and Celestia, Storm Wing (Screw him for not being here!), and finally back to a lovely stack of pancakes that I never got to enjoy.  That actually made me snort out a laugh as I shut my eyes.  I was starting to mentally crack all over as I realized that the merry chase and the beautiful dream had all come to an end.  I was only consoled by the fact that I wouldn’t be causing some small cataclysm by shedding off that anti-magic crap.

“Hey, Silver, I just want you to know I...” I started to crack one last line, sweating all over as I felt tears come to my eyes.  Yeah, I know.  Not the most dignified thing to do, cry right at the end but in all honesty, I was sad that I didn’t get more time in Equestria.

She hit me in the back of the head yet a third time, not in the mood for another joke.  I’m glad she did, because in all honesty, I wasn’t in the mood for one either.

It was then that Storm Wing did the COOLEST thing I’ve ever seen a pony do.  You remember the Sky Carriage?  The A.S.C.A.™?  He saved the day with amazing amounts of awesome and justice and glory.  I was pure art watching him work and if you blinked, you missed it all.  He swooped in on the Sky Carriage, turned it sideways as he came up from behind Nightmare Sol, and used it like a dragster to fishtail that alicorn right into the ravine behind us, sending her clear over our heads.  It was an 11 out of 10 on the awesome-random-silliness scale.  For a few seconds, we all just stood there, shocked at what had just happened.  Even Storm Wing seemed blown away by the epic maneuver.  I heard a monkey chatter in the background, adding to the whole sensation of ‘what the hell just happened’ that we were all stewing in.

“Captain, will you marry me?” Silverheart broke the silence, coughing out a gracious sob as I decided to stop dawdling and threw myself up onto that damn thing.

“Get in line, hooker!” I snapped, brohoofing that bastard in the shoulder, “Time to fly!  God, I’ve never been so happy to see you!  I could kiss you!”

“You do and I will throw you off this carriage,” he warned me in all seriousness as we took off.  I don’t know if the Nightmare Sol was knocked out or if she was just dazed, but I couldn’t care less.  Nopony here wanted to take the risk and nopony able to appreciate the situation could have blamed us.

I set Silverheart down, giggling at her with a big smile, “I’ve never been so happy to be alive!”

“Agreed,” she said with a laugh, her eyes wide as though she couldn’t believe it, “I hope this thing is faster than the Princess.”

“It is with me driving,” Storm Wing assured us, though his voice was somewhat cold and distracted.  After he had mentioned it, it certainly did feel like we were pulling some serious G’s, “Where are we going?”

“Um, actually,” my mind raced as I tried to come up with something, “Actually, Storm, you need to go to Ponyville.  I need the Carriage to get to Canterlot.”

“The Elements of Harmony,” he understood right away, nodding.  It then dawned on him what I was getting at and his eyes widened in response, “We could purge The Nightmare from Celestia!”

“Exactly,” I nodded back, “I need you to get over there and find Twilight Sparkle at the Tree Library south of Town Square.  Hopefully she’s already made it there.  If she hasn’t, look for Rarity at the Fashion Boutique.  It’s the big house with pink lace.”

“Um, Firewall,” Silverheart coughed.  I was confused for a moment, not understanding their hesitation before slapping a hoof over my face.

“You don’t act nearly blind enough for me to treat you like are, okay!?” I cried in self-defense, “Fine!  Start creating a storm or something, Rainbow Dash will fly out and kick you in the face!  That’s the element of loyalty, so you’ll get along with her just fine!”

“I’ll see what I can do,” he rolled his eyes and tossed control to me, though not literally.  It was more of an event where we started to plummet until I grabbed mental control of the carriage, “Why are you going to Canterlot?”

“Princess Luna,” Silverheart answered, interrupting me before I could say it.

“Yeah, Sol might see her as a threat, so on the offchance that she goes for her instead of the elements, I want to help get her to safety, as well as warn the other Sky Archons.  Silverheart also needs medical attention,” I pointed out, trying to seem nonchalant about the whole thing, though after thinking about it, I was starting to wish I had been the one to go help gather the Mane 6.  I was not cherishing the idea of being the one to give Luna the bad news, “Where should we meet up?”

“You tell me,” Storm Wing shrugged his wings because he knew deep down that I envied him for that (Maybe not, but he sure as hell did it enough that I had reason to believe so!), “It needs to be somewhere we’re both familiar with.  You’re the newcomer, not me.”

“Appleloosa,” I said with a nod after a moment of consideration, “Far enough away, yet we both know how to get there.”

“Fair enough,” he gave a nod before turning to jump off.

“Stay safe, Captain,” Silverheart’s voice betrayed her uncharacteristic worry.  Red flag, kiddos~!

“Storm Wing,” I called out, causing him to turn his head towards us somewhat to let us know he was listening, “This isn’t over.  We’re going to get her back and make The Nightmare pay for this.”

“Count on it,” he swore to me, jumping off and tearing up the sky in the direction of Ponyville,

I watched him as he soared away and started to nod off as the adrenaline began to taper down, earning myself a poke from the prone Silverheart.  I shook the exhaustion from my head and pulled out a cigarette.  I lit up and gave her a glance as I began to move towards Canterlot, puffing on the cigarette like it would be my last (I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that it could have actually been the last one, I was just... excited!).

“Here, let me fly.  You rest,” I heard Silverheart pipe up, “You’re barely able to stand.”

“I think I’m okay,” I tried to reassure her, though my voice sounded weak, even to me.

“Your back legs are shaking,” she informed me, causing me to look down and back to confirm her statment.

“That’s just ‘cause I’m so overcome with giddyness?” I chuckled tiredly.

“Firewall,” her voice was actually full of concern and not irritation.

“Okay,” I sighed as I released control, flopping down as I puffed the last of my smoke.

She was much quicker at picking it up than I had been, likely due to being adept at pegasus magic.  I tossed my cigarette over and laid my head down.

“How long?” I murmured.

“Forty-eight minutes,” she said with a smile aimed my way, “Rest a bit.  You’ve earned it.”

“No, I haven’t,” I gave a sad laugh as I drifted off to sleep almost immediately.

I don’t remember what my dreams were entirely, but it kept going back to how I wasn’t able to give enough.  I couldn’t catch Celestia, I couldn’t out run Nightmare Sol, I couldn’t push back the Ursa Major.  It was as though I was playing my own personal fail montage dedicated to me, by me.  Quite pathetic, I can assure you.

I kept going back to the words of The Nightmare.  Her talking about how it would all come crashing down and ‘I would be part of it all.’  I knew that I had not caused all of it, but I could not deny that things would have probably would have been going much more swimmingly without me.  Would the Nightmare have been able to pull off its trap (which, I’ll admit, I think it was just full of nonsense and trying to make me think it knew what it was doing.) if it did not have me as a motivational catalyst to spur Azure Flora into action?  Then I remembered that it very well might have brought me here to do just that.  Maybe I was just the ball that triggered the elaborate mousetrap and it was proclaiming my presence as its herald simply because it used me to start the entire process.  No doubt the worst part about dreaming, though, was where I was predicting how telling Luna about her sister would go.  How I had just fallen short of what I needed to be to prevent it all from happening.  In my nightmares, she cried and I wasn’t able to help this time because I had been the cause.

In my contemplative sleep, I didn’t wake up from Silverheart’s pokes and prods. Much to my displeasure, she gave up on pokes and prods and instead settled on something much worse!  A damned taser hoof.  I jerked and thrashed as I realized we had landed in Canterlot at the courtyard of the royal palace.

“Aaghghghghg!!” I cried before rolling away from her, “W-What is wrong with you!?”

“Behind you!” she cried, causing me to roll back over and spot a large dark pony rearing up to trample my sorry plot into the ground.  I gave a shocked shriek (I WAS SURPRISED, OKAY?!) before blasting it with a huff of fire.  It evaporated as though it were made of a gaseous, sand-like substance and dissipated almost instantly.

“Oh.  Thank Celestia.  I thought you’d never wake up in time,” she breathed in relief, giggling a tad, “Nice scream.  I think my little sister sounds more masculine.”

“I’ve got no problems leaving you here,” I warned her, blushing brightly as I got to my feet/hooves.

“She’s also very large, strong, and eats metal rivets for breakfast,” she assured me, nodding enthusiastically, “The pinnacle of masculinity.”

“You must have been a fine example for her to aspire to,” COUNTER SASSED!  Silverheart just didn’t know who she was messing with, obviously!

“Nice.  Now cut the smart-horsing and let’s get to the palace.  No doubt Starlight will stage it as her base of operations,” she said, holding her front hooves out imploringly, silently asking me to help her up and out of the A.S.C.A.™.

I stared at her for a second, taking that image in.  She looked absolutely adorable, to be honest.  I resisted the urge to pinch her cheeks or something before giving her a grimacing smile, lifting her up and helping her onto my back.  Her back legs looked pretty beat up but I had a feeling the way of handling such things wasn’t the usual ‘pony is lame, gotta put’r down!’ response.  I made a quick mental note to get her to a doctor pony before I did anything else.  Plus, I was looking for any excuse to delay speaking to Luna.  Just thinking about it was taking the wind out of my sails, and they didn’t have much to begin with!

I couldn’t guess the time due to the storming clouds above us, but it felt later in the afternoon and possibly nearing night time already.  Thunder crashed all around us as we made our way back into the palace and much to my disapproval, our welcoming committee involved a Sky Archon tackling me.  He had actually put himself in a precarious position, specifically behind me.  I took advantage of that when I had heard Silverheart cry out in pain from having been dropped roughly.  See, I had pent up a rather large amount of frustration by this point, and hearing a friend cry out because some pony was being stupid and/or paranoid had given me all the reason I needed to let it some of it out.  This release of frustration involved a fiery snarl and a back kick in said Archon’s face.  A really hard one, surprisingly enough.  He was out cold.

“Stop, stop!” Silverheart cried out as more of the less-than-lovable military ponies descended upon us, “Friendlies!”

Fortunately, they backed down.  Which was good, because I didn’t want to get my sorry plot beaten into the dirt beat up some stupid ponies!  Which is totally what would have happened!  Promise.

“Lieutenant Silverheart,” one of the male pegasi called out as he approached.  He was dark red with a spiky black mane and tail, sporting a set of narrow purple eyes, “You’re hurt.”

“No kidding, Hot Shot,” she huffed irritably as I helped her back up, “Thank Luna you’re so observant!  And getting thrown onto a stone floor doesn’t help!”

“Hah!”  another male pegasus laughed as he descended.  This one was dark violet with a matching set of golden hair and eyes.  His tornado cutie-mark was exposed with him having not worn any armor like the other Archons, “Poor Blue Rain got clocked the hay out!  That’ll teach him to leap before looking!”

“Shut up, Whirlwind,” Hot Shot ordered before nodding at us, “Bring Commander Starlight up to speed inside; should be in the Ball Room.  If there’s anything we need to know, she’ll see to it that we’re informed.”

“Alright, I’ll handle that.  Where can we get Silverheart some medical attention?” I asked softly, offering to help her onto my back again, though she didn’t seem to want to show such weakness to her comrades.  How cute~!

“Nurse Tendercare is with the other wounded Archons in the kitchen,” he nodded at the Southern Hallway that led to the Ballroom.  I nodded and began to simply help Silverheart hobble along before stopping, knowing this was silly and that she was only making it worse for herself.  As much as I wanted to stave off the meeting with Luna, my impatience proved that it would only take so much.

“This is going to take a while,” I murmured to her, smirking at her in a familiar, friendly way to let her know that it was alright to not be tough for once, “Just suck it up, alright?  Soon as you’re back up and moving, you can thrash the cutie mark (Hah!  Got to use it!) off anypony that makes fun of you.”

She blushed and looked down before nodding her consent, letting herself be hefted back up onto my back, “Sorry, I just... It’s embarrassing.  But you’re right.  I shouldn’t let my pride slow anypony down.”

I was actually very surprised at how quickly she had made that turn around in attitude and even a little more surprised to see that not a single pony gave Silverheart any grief for her situation.  They were a very tight knit group, obviously, so standard procedure probably wasn’t even a factor in their interactions as much as friendly and familial-esque ties.  What was more surprising than all of that was how Hot Shot was willing to possibly be left in the dark, as long as it got Starlight informed all the faster.  It was an admirable display of putting the whole above the individual, and that kind of selfless thinking is something I can get behind.

I nodded as we approached the kitchen, and sure enough, there were a few Sky Archons laying on counters and tables.  They looked perfectly fine except they all had black marks that resembled paint-like smears covering them.  One had an entire wing covered in the stuff, and it had warped his wing to look sharp and jagged, almost.  I noticed Cookie in the corner, feeding one of the patients to help make her more comfortable.  Watching that really made my heart ache quite a bit.  After having been there for less than a week, I could definitely relate to how much it bothered me to see unhappy ponies.  In fact, had I not been interrupted, I would have taken the time to become furious.  Such was not meant to be, though, as I was quickly distracted by the sudden on-comer that was both eager and busy.

“Oh dear, an actual patient I can work with!” a red unicorn with a white mane galloped up to us and levitated Silverheart off my back, “Oh dear, that wing will need to be set, oh dear, oh dear~!”

Oh dear, indeed.

“Nurse Tendercare, I presume,” I asked as I followed her and the floating, irritable Silverheart, glancing over to the pony with the cool flour-sack cutie-mark, “Hey Cookie.”

He gave me distracted nod, acknowledging me but focusing on the pony in front of him.  I did not know  if she was at all significant to him at the time, but I could tell that him seeing her in such a state was really taking the wind out of his sails.  I didn’t blame him in the least.

“Yes, yes,” she nodded as she laid Silverheart on a nearby counter and began to examine her legs, “Oh dear, it’s not looking great, oh dear no.  At least nothing is broken here, but... oh dear, I don’t see you walking for a while, my dear.  Oh dear, I hope that doesn’t upset you.”

“She’ll be okay at least, right?” I was insatiably curious to see how ponies performed medical procedures.  Do they operate?  Do they cast a spell?  Do they combine such techniques, creating magical icepacks and thermometers?  Perhaps just a magic pill?  No, not that kind of magical pill, you delinquent!

“Get outta here,” Silverheart groaned irritably waving me off, “Starlight is still waiting, genius.”

“Right!”  I gave a grimace as I remembered what I was here for, procrastinating nonetheless.

Tendercare nodded before moving to , “Let us begin!  Say ah!”

Silverheart gave a frustrated roll of her eyes before complying and getting a pill shoved in her mouth.  This pill was pretty cool, simply because it made grumpy ol’ Silverheart go right to sleep and look adorable again.  She was so pretty when she wasn’t scowling.  I would say I wish we had pills like those back on Earth, but we do.  They’re called Rohypnol or in a more technical setting, Flunitrazepam.  Derps to you if you didn’t think of those right away.

“Best of luck, doc!” I nodded to her as I turned to leave.

I continued down the hall and yawned loudly, blinking several times to rid myself of the watery haze I had just inflicted upon my eyes.  As I entered the Ball Room, I saw the pony that Storm Wing had left in charge.  Though she was intently focusing on a map on top of a table that had been dragged in, she still caught sight of me as I neared.

“Welcome, sir.  Commander Starlight, I’m the ranking officer here,” she gave a salute to me, to which I chuckled and shook my head.

“Not a soldier, Commander.  Just a friend,” I explained with a smile, “Hot Shot said I should give you a run down of what has happened, but uh... it seems I’m the one that needs catching up.”

“Of course, sir,” she must have not heard me when I said not a soldier, but whatever, “The situation is...”

“Bleak.  Dire.  Grim, yes, I know.  Here, let me tell you what I know first.  Trixie is working with an immortal Earth Pony by the name of Azure Flora as well as The Nightmare.  Negotiations went nowhere and while we ran Trixie and Azure Flora off, The Nightmare has possessed Princess Celestia.  It now goes by the moniker of Nightmare Sol,” I recapped, neglecting certain details that I felt did not matter.  The more I spoke, the more shocked she seemed to be, “Captain Storm Wing is headed towards Ponyville to gather the ponies that defeated Nightmare Moon, and hopefully we’ll be able to reverse the effects of the possession.  I’m here to gather Princess Luna and rendezvous with him at Appleloosa.  Now what’s wi-...”

Interrupting me so rudely were a trio of pegasi crashing through the northern window.  They quickly oriented onto us and dived in, shaking Starlight out of her dazed stupor.  They looked as though they were completely made of pitch and shadows with bright glowing golden eyes and wings made of razors instead of feathers.  What was truly frightening was that their cutie marks were all like Celestia’s, only blood red in color.  

I began to inhale to breathe at them, but Starlight blew them all away with a flap of her small pony wings, following up with a series of lightning bolts that were pulled in from the window the intruders had crashed through.  After each one convulsed for a moment, they puffed into a dusty black cloud that faded unnaturally fast.  I blinked, now quite well aware just why Storm Wing had chosen Starlight as his Commander.

“Nicely done,” I nodded with a smirk.

“Been an Artillery Archon for a few hundred years.  You pick up a few tricks,” she smirked back, “These Shadow Ponies don’t seem to understand though, that they simply can not have this palace.”

“Are they the ones causing those black marks on the ponies in the kitchen?” I nodded, smirking at her arrogant nature.

“Yes,” she nodded very seriously, “The black marks fade with time. They only last about ten or fifteen minutes, but they’re incredibly painful while they’re there.  Also, if you get covered in the stuff, you... turn into a bigger, stronger version of the same thing.”

“That’s... creepy,” I grimaced, my mind going straight to zombies (Z-Z-Z-Zoooombie ponies?!), “Is it permanent?”

“Far as I know it doesn’t just fade with time, but it can be reversed,” she answered with a nod, “Cookie knocked one out with a frying pan earlier.  It was his assistant that got... changed.  Anyway, when she came to, she was just thrashing and resisting at first.  She was one of the first to get caught by the Shadow Ponies and ever since then, he’s been lovingly fussing over her like a mother hen.  Last I checked, the black stuff has been fading off of her and she’s been slowly changing back.  When she started speaking again, we went ahead and untied her.”

“Huh,” I tilted my head, “By the power of love?”

“Hay if I know,” she gave a wing shrug to show she was equally confused.

“How long ago did they appear?” I asked, narrowing my eyes as an idea formed within the back of my mind.

“A little over an hour ago,” she replied, biting her lip as she started to realize the very same thing, “That... was when... The princess...”

“I think these are from Nightmare Sol,” I gave a slight sigh, nodding in agreement with her, “Just another reason to get out of here.  You and the other Archons should come with us to Appleloosa.”

“Maybe eventually,” she countered shaking her head immediately, “We’re under orders to guard this palace and that should double as a distraction to the pri... Nightmare.  Besides, most of Canterlot’s residents are in the library, hiding away from the Shadow Ponies.  We have to protect them, especially with the Equestrian Guard at our borders.  After we’re certain that the city is empty, I suppose evacuation will be our next order of business.”

“Oh, sh... I didn’t even think of the citizenry!” I coughed out an embarrassed laugh, “Okay, yeah, no, that makes sense.  I guess... All I need to do is get the princess and rendezvous with Storm Wing, then.  Silverheart will be remaining here until she has recovered.”

“I’ll spare you a few Arch-...” she started to offer before I interrupted her.

“I’m not trying to say they wouldn’t be an amazing asset to have, but it looks as though you’re having enough troubles on your own,” I pointed out, shaking my head to emphasize my declination, “The only thing that could likely stop us is Nightmare Sol and I don’t think a few Sky Archons are going to be of any help there.  You would make better use of them than we would.”

She blinked before nodding with a smile, “Very well, sir.  I’ll trust your judgment.”

“Don’t call me sir, please?” I asked, smirking sheepishly.

“Don’t wear an Officer’s suit of armor,” she shrugged her wings (Ahhh... Nostalgic jealousy.) and winked.

“Oh right,” I looked down at the armor, sighing wistfully, “As cool as it is, could you... help me get it off?  I’ve got a feeling I’m going to be doing a lot of running and this only makes it hard.  Not to mention I’m running on just an hour of sleep.”

“And while she’s doing that, you can tell me everything that has happened,” I heard a distant voice call out softly.  I turned to see Luna descending from the highest balcony, her wings fluttering a tad as she landed.  

I was happy to see her and all, but I certainly wasn’t smiling in the slightest.  Her expression was one of worry and fear, as though she could tell something terrible was amiss and that all she was waiting for was a confirmation from me, “Start from when I went to sleep this morning, Firewall.”

At first, I was just going to summarize everything for her, but she stopped me and had me go into detail.  Starlight was indeed gracious enough to help me out of the armor as I recalled everything that had happened.  I spoke of Trixie and her short-lived attack, but it wasn’t until I told Luna about Azure Flora and the Inmanipulon that she began to show worry.  When I told her of how she demanded I be sent home or dealt with in some other fashion, Luna scoffed, seemingly insulted by such a demand.  Finally, I got to the Ursa Major, how The Nightmare was magically controlling it, and eventually getting to how we had lost the battle when Princess Celestia became Nightmare Sol.

“Which is why Storm Wing is in Ponyville, and I’m here to collect you.  I was going to bring the Sky Archons, but they have to protect Canterlot and its citizens, especially with Nightmare Sol creating all these Shadow Ponies,” I finished, my voice flat and lacking inflection.  That numb sensation had set back in, and I could hear a soft ringing in my ears as I spoke, muffling all other sound.  I was avoiding looking at her, feeling considerably at fault for being unable to give more in the fight.  I was certain that Celestia wouldn’t have been so weakened if I had just been able to push the monster back a bit further.  I would never know for sure, of course, which gave me no real comfort.  I simply had a feeling that I had fallen short of what was needed, and the consequences were dire.  I was glad I had Starlight to focus on as she helped me out of my armor, but her task was not indefinite and eventually, I had no reasonable excuse to not look at the pony I was speaking to.  So naturally, while the sensible thing to do would have been to look at her, I did not.  I simply stared at the floor instead.

“Firewall?” She knew something was up.  Hell, I wasn’t being very subtle by that point.

“Yep?” I gave a small snicker, watching one of my hooves scrape at the floor.  I think I might have some crossed wires upstairs, because all I was doing was finding the dark and terrible humor of the situation.  Funny thing about dark and terrible humor?  It’s not funny when it’s real.  My laughter sounded hollow, I know, and Luna wasn’t buying it.  That didn’t stop me from laughing, though.

“Firewall.” she took a step closer, causing me to involuntarily take a step back. “Why won’t you look at me?”

“Well, you know.  It’s just funny, is all,” my voice cracked right there at the end, “You know, it’s... It’s Equestria.  A great place to be, right?  I mean, every guy like me just has that dream, even just once in passing.  ‘What would it be like to actually go to Equestria?  I bet it would be fun!  No responsibility, no nagging family, no bills, no killing.  Just good times, fun jokes, silly shenanigans and all around utopia, right?’  Nothing serious ever goes on here.”

“Firewall.” She took another step forward, causing me to once again take another back from her.  

“At least... At least, not when I’m here.” I know it was stupid, alright?  I know deep down that I wasn’t directly responsible for everything going on.  I know that The Nightmare was purposefully causing all of these things to happen.  I know that I should not be letting Nightmare Sol get to me.  I know it and all that knowledge meant nothing.  I still played my part.

Rather than take another step, Luna just jumped forward and caught me by my neck, wrapping her wings and hooves around me as I fell to my knees, “Stop it.  Just... take the good with the bad, remember?  And don’t let the bad get to you.”

I don’t know if this happens to everyone or not, but have you ever just been holding it all in and been doing a perfectly good job of it, then someone who gives a damn happens to come along and ruin it all by doing something small?  Like setting a hand on your shoulder?  Or patting you on the back?  Or just hugging you and telling you it was going to be okay?  Because, despite your ability to hold it all in, that dam of emotion shatters because you just subconsciously realized that the someone that broke it is going to help pick up the pieces while you let it all out?  It’s happened to me a few times, to be sure, and being able to see it coming only makes it twice as hard to experience.

Twenty-three, just a few days from twenty-four years old, and I was doing nothing but burying my face into Luna’s shoulder as tears poured out.  I was silent except for the occasional sniffle.  I had only cried like this once before in my life and that was when my mother had to tell me that I can’t help people that don’t want to be helped.  For what seemed like the next half hour, I just quietly cried, soaking Luna’s fur coat and shivering with every shaky breath.  Not my proudest moment, I’ll admit.  I will say though, that having somepony that could understand what I was going through allowed me to actually get through this without curling up and wishing myself away.  Luna’s entire perception of life had been shaken apart by seeing my world, having been unaware of the consequences.  The only differences for me was that it was taking me longer and hitting me harder.

After I began to wind down, Luna decided to make an attempt to cheer me up, “I think that’s one you can mark off the brony checklist.  ‘Cry on a pony.’”

I snorted, a tad unprepared for the levity before nodding a bit and standing back up as we broke apart.  After a few seconds of composing myself, I decided to give her a counter-joke, “Achievement Unlocked:  Thiiis~ is Cryyyyiiiinnng~~!”

Luna gave a snicker before gasping, “Oh!  We’re going to meet the rest of them, aren’t we?”

I blinked before smiling tiredly and nodding.  I looked around, wondering if Starlight had watched the entire breakdown and was somewhat relieved to discover she had taken her leave, though she was likely nearby in case we came under attack.  It probably doesn’t surprise you that I find the Sky Archons to be extremely dutiful and dependable ponies.

“Yeah, but... You’re not upset about Celestia?” I murmured, sniffing one last time as I wiped at my eyes.

“Of course I am.” She glared at me as though I had asked her the stupidest question ever (Okay, so it might have been quite up there.). “But the last thing I need to do is fall apart.  Especially since the one I keep around to fall apart on is falling apart on me.  And being possessed by The Nightmare doesn’t mean she’s lost.  It just means we have to gather the Elements of Harmony and thrash The Nightmare.”

“It... just feels really horrible.” I mumbled pathetically.  

Luna gave a snort before hugging me one last time, “Good with the bad, remember?”

“Right!” I nodded and swallowed that sadness down like a dry peanut butter sandwich before rearing up and yelling out as I slammed my hooves down, “Hah!  Time for a cigarette!”

She rolled her eyes, “If it will help, I suppose.  How soon are we leaving?”

I turned to look back at her dumbly as I considered the question, a Mareboro having already made its way to my mouth, “Ummm.  As soon as you’re ready.  Or after this cigarette.  Whichever comes last.”

“Well, unlike humans, we don’t have to pack for every little thing,” she said with a laugh and a nod, following me out to my favorite garden bench.

“Oh, so you’re a reference guide to human culture now,” I teasingly mocked before lighting up, “Did you google that or something?”

“I can’t google anything,” she said with a raspberry.

“Oh?” I took a long, relaxing drag before tilting my head, “How’s it work then?”

“Basically, it’s like I have access to an archive of the entire Internet from that date,” she gave a wing shrug, “What, did you think I received updates?”

“Maybe!” I laughed for a bit, “You could have jumped onto some pony blogs or something!  Maybe set up your own authentic AskPrincessLuna blog!”

“Oh, and start doing crossover asks with other AskPony blogs?” she suggested, smiling brightly at me.

“Maybe AskBerryPnuch, even!” I had almost forgotten about all the terrible things that were happening, just having a fun time talking about such trivial matters.  I started laughing in earnest, finally letting the dark thoughts that had been clouding my mind flow out of me.

“Want to know the worst part?  I can’t see the new stuff he puts out!” she began to giggle with me, “Seriously, I still can’t believe we’re just a television show to humans.”

“Hah.  ‘Just a television show?’  I can think of several bronies who would take offense to that,” I replied, sitting on the bench with a yawn and being struck with a pressing question, “Serious time, Luna.  I need to ask you something.”

“Hmmm?” she narrowed her eyes a bit inquisitively, but nodded nonetheless.

“Which is your favorite pony?” I asked with a huge smile, “Most people pick one of the Mane 6.”

She blinked before laughing out loud, somewhat caught off guard, “My favorite pony?  Heh.  Well, it’s not one of the Mane 6, though if I had to choose one of them, I’d definitely go with a tie between Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.”

“That’s not choosing one of them at all,” I pointed out with a smirk, “So which one is your favorite, then?”

“I thought that would be an easy guess,” she looked off into the sky with a smirk.  I thought she was trying to get me to look up there with her, but when I began to turn, she just laughed at me.

“You’re losing me, Princess,” I stated with an overly serious nod.

“Maybe this isn’t the best time to talk about it,” she started to look guilty of all things, biting her lip and looking down.

“Why?  What’s wrong?” I tilted my head, now looking a bit concerned, “Is this about... Celestia?”

“Well, it... I mean, I don’t want to seem carefree.  I’m just doing as you said,” she sighed, looking up at me, “Not letting it get to me.”

“And doing a better job than I am, too,” I took a drag and nodded, “It’s not as though we can do anything right this instant.  As horrible as it is...”

I looked up at the thundering skies and sighed softly, giving the dark clouds a grimace.

“As horrible as it is, we can’t let it bring us down.  We all have each other to help get us through this,” I then scowled at the clouds, my expression reflecting my resolve, “And to be fair, I’d rather talk about ponies any day of the week.  So before we have another  breakdown and somepony gets a bucket full of tears on their shoulder, let us hear about your favorite one.”

“You’re so clueless,” she said with a nod before blushing a tad.  THAT’S when I suddenly got what she was getting at.  Yeah, I’m dense.  Deal with it.

“Oh.  OH!” I blushed right back, coughing awkwardly as she stepped forward somewhat.  It’s not often that both Stoic and Lafter start beating down my mental door, blaring off warnings like a tornado siren mixed with a submarine alarm, but that’s pretty much what was going on.  Remember when I said I become one of the sheep when I panic?  Yeah.  That’s why I did and said absolutely nothing as she stepped even closer.

“Since you must know.  My faaaavorite pony...” she started to say, smiling as she neared, “Isn’t even a p-...”

AND THEN TWILIGHT APPEARED TO SAVE ME FROM THE MOST CONFLICTING MOMENT OF MY LIFE.  No, really.  She teleported right beside the bench with a little echoing puff.

“Twilight!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, looking absolutely thrilled to see her (beacuse I was), “You’re okay!”

“Yes!” she nodded enthusiastically, shaking off what seemed to be her disoriented spacial leap lag (not to be confused with jet lag!), “Come on, we have to leave right now, you two!”

“Why the rush?” I said, hopping up and not looking at Luna, “Is something wrong?”

Starlight suddenly struck down beside us with a thunderclap.  I was blinded, deafened, and pretty damn irritated.  That was getting old, real fast.

“WE HAVE COMPANY, EVERYPONY!” she shouted as the entrance to the palace bursts open.

“Oh no!”  Twilight cried out as a few dozen Shadow Ponies poured forth, barrelling straight for us.

That’s when Mister Freeze the Pony stepped out from behind them, his glowing blue eyes aimed directly at us from behind his helmet.  My blood ran cold (I sense a recurring joke) as I turned to look at the others, “I’m going to run.  The rest of you can make up your own damn minds about this.”

With that, I took off for the courtyard on the far side of the castle.  Sure, we would have to run all the way around, but I figured that was better than trying to fight off thirty or forty Shadow Ponies plus Frosty the Snow Pony.  Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who thought this was a good idea, because the others hot on my tail.  Except for Twilight.  Do you know why?  Because she had suddenly remembered she could teleport.  So rather than spend her time running about, she simply began to blink forward several yards and cover our retreat with spells.  One day, if it were at all possible, I was going to get her to teach me how to do that.

“Capture the Human!  Capture the Princess!  Convert the Unicorn and the Archon!” I heard his voice echo out above the commotion.  I looked back at Luna as she flew by my side and grimaced.  I had no clue why they wanted us, but I did not want to find out, either.

Starlight put a hoof to her mouth as she kept pace and whistled loudly, the shrill sound echoing over the chaos.  I glanced back to see Freezey the Pony closing in on us, just to be grounded mere seconds out of reach by a red and black pony.  He had literally dive bombed that sucker right into the ground going at speeds that I had only seen pulled off by Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.  Suffice it to say that Chilly the Frosty Grey Giant, despite Hot Shot only being half his size, seemed out cold (Ahahaha~!  I kill myself!).  I could relate, having been soundly trounced by Storm Wing.  Sky Archons just have this tendency to not give a damn just how big you are as they’re beating the hell out of you.

“Gotcha, you giant freak!” Hot shot shouted before stomping on the back of his head and leaping off into the air before the surrounding Shadow Ponies could take hold of him.

“Nice one,” Starlight called out, smiling at her team partner.  I know, I never mentioned that, but that didn’t come up until much later.

I loved the Sky Archons for being so cool.  Had I not turned to look ahead and spot a second crowd of Shadow Ponies headed my way, I would have cheered as enthusiastically as a trailer park on day one of NASCAR.  Predictably, though, cheering was the last thing on my mind.

“We’re very popular today,” Luna said with a groan as we all came to a halt, “I really wish you could fly.”

“Me too!” I agreed before breathing a wall of flame between us and our interceptors, “Now what?”

I looked back to watch Starlight begin to crackle with energy as she covered our backs, unleashing a barrage of lightning from her wings and forcing the pursuers away, lest they be destroyed in her furious display of power.  After several seconds of this, both us and our attackers were at a stand off.  The Shadow Ponies couldn’t approach without being destroyed, and we had nowhere to run without... … leaving me.  Damn, I am like the Buzz Killington of action scenes, am I not!?

“The question still stands!” I called out, turning to fry a shadow Shadow Pony that was able to survive a leap over the fire.

That was when Flora’s frosty bodyguard got back up, shaking his head a bit before growling and approaching us, slowly at first.  The Shadow Ponies scrambled to make way for him as he picked up speed, and those unfortunate enough to not react quickly were crushed and dissipated by his determined charge.

“There is no way!”  Hot Shot cried out as he landed beside Starlight, “I practically dented my armor when I hit him!”

“You’re supposed to dent him!” Starlight gave a snort before slapping his flank with her tail, “Run him over, Sword Archon!”

Hot Shot seemed a bit hesitant at first, but nodded after considering it for less than a second, “Affirmative.”

And suddenly the game of pony chicken was on with two pegasi running at one another in complete disregard for their own safety!  Starlight took to the air just behind Hot Shot and quickly threw a powerful gust of wind that blew all the Shadow Ponies out of the way before diving at the two pegasi still aimed at one another.  She tucked into a spiral and within seconds, was trailing a storm-like tornado she passed onto Hot Shot just before the collision.

Today was a day for loud noises and bright flashes in great abundance.  I’m desensitized to them these days, to be perfectly honest.  You can’t go anywhere with a Sky Archon (much less two) without a pair of sunglasses and a set of earplugs if you expected to use your ears and eyes at all.  I bet you they sell those in package deals for unfortunate ponies that have to spend extended amounts of time with them.  If not, then I have a grand business idea that everypony needs to invest in right meow (Am I all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree?!).  Anyway, I’m way off track; the point is that the collision was loud, bright, and epic.  All ponies had been knocked back by the force of the collision.  I was fortunate enough to catch Starlight.  And when I say catch, I mean she crashed into me as though she had been shot out of a canon.

“Had to be me.  You couldn’t have fallen on Luna, could you?” I groaned as I pushed her up off me and got to my hooves before staring at the result of the collision, which was most definitely not epic at all.  Both Hot Shot and Ice Pony had been knocked back a bit.  The difference was that the bigger of the two got back up and the smaller pegasus was already being swarmed by Shadow Ponies.

“No!” Starlight tried to go after him, but I caught her by the tail.  I was going to tell her that it was a lost cause, but she started the conversation by kicking me in the face after realizing what was stopping her, “Let go of me!”

“We have to leave!” Twilight shouted as she blasted away an oncoming group of Shadow Ponies.

Now, I don’t seem to learn my lesson, because I didn’t let go, and she kicked me in the face again.  I still didn’t let go, and had I been less dizzy with hoofprints, I’d have considered making the Shadow Ponies the least of her worries.  As it were, though, I was so close to being knocked out that I could hear children laughing and Santa Clause proclaiming a merry Christmas to all.

“Commander Starlight!  Stop!” Luna shouted as Twilight shielded us all in a lavender transparent shell, allowing me to let go finally.

“Hot Shot!” she screamed as the Shadow Ponies began to back away from him.  When they parted, there was a Hot Shot shaped Shadow Pegasus in his place.  A large one that still wore the armor of Hot Shot.  Everypony watched as the Shadow Pegasus stood upright before staring down at its hooves.  It then threw its had back in an emphatic, yet inaudible cry, calling black lighting to strike down all around.  The icy pony approached, looking down at it for several seconds before speaking.

“Shadow Archon,” he said with an approving nod.

“Can we all stop watching!” Twilight begged loudly, shaking us all from the frightening scene.

“Well, what do we do!?” I cried looking around as the Shadow Ponies began to close in, “I keep saying, ‘Now what!’ but I never get an answer!”

“Now, we get creative!” Twilight said with a nod, lowering her horn and creating a magical shimmering violet bridge over the Shadow Ponies.  Luckily, these seemed of the Earth Pony variety, so our only concern rested with Ice Hoof and his newly minted Shadow Archon, “MOVE, FIREWALL!”

Luna and Starlight took flight as I jumped onto the ramping bridge and ran for dear life.

I was charging over it as fast as I could, wishing I had been in better shape for all this running.  Fortunately, not wearing all the armor did help tremendously and it was also a forward moving bridge, like one of those flat escalators that roll you forward.  The best part was that Twilight allowed perhaps twenty or so of those ponies to jump onto the bridge before she dropped what was behind her, causing them all to crash to the ground.  Even through all the fear and excitement coursing through me, that was very amusing to watch.

I continued to look over my shoulder and spotted both the Shadow Archon and Freezy McFrostPony take flight.  They didn’t get far, however, thanks to Starlight slowly flying backwards and flapping a torrent of wind their way.  Maybe they could have flown through it if they were more prepared, but nopony expects (the spanish inquisipony!) a hurricane gust out of a small pegasus.

“Starlight!”  Luna cried out, as she whizzed past me and Twilight, “Come on!”

Starlight ignored her as she continued to cover us our retreat.  I stopped to turn and yell, but Twilight was quick to jab my plot with her horn.

“Don’t you dare stop!  Move it!” she ordered, refusing to look at what was distracting me.  I guess this is why they always say to not look back.  It’s definitely distracting.

The Shadow Ponies jumped at us in futility.  They weren’t even close to closing half the distance, but you had to hand it to the persistent little bastards.  They knew what they wanted.  They were so focused on getting at me that they didn’t even spot Twilight, who had teleported ahead of everypony and began focusing, causing her horn to glow brightly.  This, in turn, caused the bridge to fade away, causing me to wonder just what the hell she was thinking as I plummeted.

If I had been paying attention and looking forward instead of down, behind me and everywhere else except forward, I would have noticed my salvation long before it got to me.  As it were though, I was entirely caught off guard by Luna the SuperPony.  I’m not sure why she doesn’t wear a red cape to show how heroic she is, but that was all she was lacking when she whipped around the corner of the castle with the A.S.C.A.™ and caught me mid fall.

“Starlight!” Twilight cried out, her eyes shut as her horn began to flash like a beacon, “M... MOVE!”

Starlight looked back, her eyes widening as she suddenly bolted out of the way.  As soon as she was clear, Twilight unleashed a wave of multi-hued light that washed over the Shadow Ponies, dissipating them as it moved.  As luck would have it, both Frosty and the Shadow Archon formerly known as Hot Shot flew out of its path.  I did note that they did not chase us at least, having given up for the moment.  I flopped down and rubbed my eyes, wondering if this was when I would finally get a chance to rest.

“I’ll never look at ponies the same again,” I said with a tired sigh as Starlight landed on the carriage with us, “What about the other Sky Archons?”

“They’re evacuating the citizens,” Starlight said with a nod, turning to watch the opposition fly away, “They’ll be alright.  I... … Hot Shot.”

“We’ll get him back, Starlight,” Luna said, setting a hoof on Starlight’s shoulder.

Twilight teleported onto the Carriage, panting heavily, “That was very... very scary.  I thought running from a hydra was scary.”

“Would that it were just a hydra,” Starlight laid down and shut her eyes.

Twilight grimaced a tad, looking to us for support.  Mostly to Luna, though.  I was busy fading in and out of some much needed rest.

“Wake me when... it’s my turn to drive,” I told everypony with a loud yawn, only to be spooked by a thunderous crash of the dark clouds above us, “D-Damnit!”

“Here,” Luna took us up through the clouds as Starlight flapped her wings, pushing a hole in them.  A few moments later and we were beyond the tumultuous racket.  The night sky was beautiful from up here.  I’d seen it a few times while flying coach, but in the Sky Carriage, it just seemed so much more... real.

“Not a bad job with the night sky, Luna,” I said with a tired, yet mystified smile, “Mmmm... Goodnight.”

I heard Luna snort a bit before feeling a hoof stroke my mane a tad.  I’m sure I purred or something, because I heard them all laugh at me.  With a yawn, I finally began to submit to sweet, sweet slumber before taking one last glance at the lovely scenery surrounding me.  I spotted a rainbow up there, prancing through the sky and snickered tiredly as I shut my eyes.

Then I realized what I had just seen, “What!?”

I jumped up and dropped my jaw as I stared in complete shock.

“I’ve never seen that before,” Twilight commented, following my stare, “How long has that been there?”

“That’s a recent addition,” Luna informed us all proudly, “Just last night, actually.”

“Luna, is that what I think it is?” I asked, too blown away to think about sleeping for the moment.

“I dunno, Firewall,” she replied, stifling the urge to snicker, “What do you think it is?”

“It looks like a pastry with a cat head leaving a rainbow trail,” Starlight observed, arching an eyebrow, “That was intentional?”

“Jesus H. Christ, you put Nyancat up there?!” I cried before bursting out into a fit of laughter, “What is wrong with you?!”

“You don’t like it?” she seemed genuinely upset by my reaction.

Fortunately, she realized my mirth was not of mockery, but was of appreciation which caused her to smile happily.  For the next several seconds, I was laughing until it hurt all over.  I liked this kind of hurt, though, even if I was the only one experiencing it.  Luckily, I have an infectious laugh that soon had both Luna and Twilight giggling, and even had Starlight chuckling softly before too long, shaking her head at me.  After I wound down, I dropped back to the floor of the carriage and sighed.

“Thanks, Luna,” I gave one last yawn, “I needed that.”

“Anytime,” she answered softly, giving one last snicker as I laid down my head..

“Goodnight, everypony,” I mumbled as I finally got some much needed rest.

Next time on “Through The Eyes Of Another Pony!”

“You know, I wouldn’t think alcoholic beverages existed in Ponyville.  Not that I’m complaining.”

“They don’t.  I just looked up the chemical composition of Hard Apple Cider and figured we could all use something to take the edge off.”

“So they do exist.  And you are now more OP than Twilight.”

“They do now, I suppose.  And thanks, I guess?”

“This apple juice tastes funny.  Wait... I can’t sense anything anymore!  I’m blind!”

“Holy crap, Storm, how many have you had!?  And how many did you make?!”

“Well, there are a lot of ponies here and I didn’t want anypony to feel left out.”

“What part of ‘let us get the entire town smashed’ sounded like a good idea to you!?”

“The part where Captain Storm Wing finally lets his hair down?”

“Granted, that does sound like a good idea, but still... You play a dangerous game, Luna.  A very, very dangerous game.”

“You like it.”

“Maybe a little.”

Final Author’s Notes:  I admit, I smoked a few cigarettes to push this bad boy out.  It’s not as long as the last chapter, but I’m liking it.  Especially the sad scene.  Also, let me know what you guys think in the comments section!  Is it getting too serious?  Is it not serious enough?  How much Luna would a WoodLuna Luna if a WoodLuna would Luna Luna?  Also, did the sad scene get to any pony?  I wanted to make it brutal without making anypony actually cry.  But if you did, tell meh! :O

And no!  AskBerrypnuch.tumblr.com was not spelled incorrectly! >:(  Go look it up yourself!

Chapter 7                                                                        Chapter 9

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Nine:  Magneto

THE AUTHOR’S PAGE IS A GO!

So yeah, it’s been a hellish week trying to get this out.  I’ve been stressed out of my mind for unrelated reasons and I can’t bring myself to write while stressed because it runs down the page and isn’t as fun.  So instead I’ve been writing when feeling good.  

Why?  Why, you ask?

Because this week we get the largest chapter to date with the most amount of fan art in one setting!  I know, there’s more fan art out there than just this, but this is what I got last week.  There are some really talented artists out there that want nothing but something to create and the fact that I can supply that something makes me feel all squishy and warm inside.

Now, because this has been a huge question, I’m dedicating it’s own paragraph to just it, especially since it keeps popping up.

Is this going to end anytime soon?

Yes.  This does have an ending planned out, and while we are nearing the end of the first part, we are not nearing the end of the entire written work itself.  :3  Basically, I plan to have two parts of about fifteen chapters a piece and an interlude full of short stories and some exposition.  The short stories will focus on other major events in the story when Firewall wasn’t there and such.  Maybe even on what happened a thousand years ago.  I hope to keep it interesting and pleasing regardless of whatever I choose.

Also, we’re almost to 4.9, guys! :D  Hope to see a six-star to really help this take off, and such!  

Other than that, no news really... Other than I might have picked smoking back up.  :(  I know, it’s a terrible habit and while I shouldn’t do it, I can promise you, it’s helped the fic move along since I get to burn my stress away like a cigarette.  It’s probably just a placebo effect and I just need to suck it up, but at the same time, I’d like to take as much of the edge back off as I like.

Anyway, I’m being presumptuous and assuming you want to hear about my problems! >:)  Why don’t I just spam you with five fan art pieces and let you send the comments and posts to the proper place in Equestria Daily! :D  

Adieu, mes chers lecteurs! <3

Avisbyf411 did this little number here.  :D  He wanted an awesome background for an awesome pony and decided that if you wanted something done, you’d have to do it yourself! >:3  I don’t think he knows I found it, but props to him either way!

Wrek did this one of our mysterious Ice Knight that guards Azure Floran.  :3  The most uncuddly pony ever!  ALL HAIL TEH ICE PONEH!  >:3

So Ice Storm did this one as a scene for last chapter.  And he whined and he whined and he whined that he could not replicate Twilight’s color with color pencils.  It was Rarity amounts of whining.  Eventually, I just kinda went My Face When at him.  Also, highlight the picture for better color as it is a night scene.  :3

Icekatze did this little wonder and I’ve gotta say, he did an excellent job with it.  :3  My favorite part is that this ruins MyCutieMarkIsAGun’s gripe that evil = black is such a stereotype.  NYAH! :D

And Sircinnamon did this vector of Firewall, probably getting as close to what he would look like in the show as one could possibly get. :D  IT PREASES MEH!

I opened my eyes, somewhat surprised that I had experienced an entirely dreamless night for once.  Maybe I was getting used to all this insanity?  God, I hope not, I thought to myself, I’d hate to see what the prolonged effects of that would be.  What wasn’t surprising was that we were still travelling on the Sky Carriage, hauling flank towards Appleloosa.  I yawned as I stretched all over, reaching a hoof up to rub away the eye crud that had accumulated in my time of sweet and blessed rest (Some like to call it ‘sleep’.  That makes no sense, just so you know.).  I got a pat on the head from behind.

“Good morning sleepyhead.” I heard Luna’s voice from behind me.  I looked around to see that it was still in the dead of night. “Sleep well?”

“I think I slipped into a coma, actually.  It was the best coma ever.  I need more comas like that in my life,” I replied, nodding lazily as I rolled to my hooves but didn’t stand up just yet, “How long was I out?”

“Oh, about half a day.” Twilight was just to the side of me on the carriage, lounging as I was. “I went to sleep and woke up before you.”

“Wow.  Why is it still night?” I blinked, looking back at Luna in confusion.

“Because I haven’t put the moon down, of course.” she gave a smirk before nodding at the distance, pointing out the moon still above the horizon.

“So... What?  Does that just keep the sun from rising?” I tilted my head, not quite understanding.

“Of course it does, Firewall,” Twilight said with a laugh, “The sun and moon are like matching ends of a magnet.  They push each other away.”

I looked at them as though they were crazy (Which still doesn’t appease me in any fashion, I might add.).  There was no reason that should even remotely work that way.

“What?  That’s nonsense!” I chuckled as I pulled out a cigarette, “Luna, you know how such things work now, right?”

“I know how they work where you come from...  But there is no denying that the sun and moon push each other away.  In fact, if they weren’t bound to Equestria, there would be nothing stopping them from flying away,” she said with a nod, smirking at me, “Why do you think Celestia had to send Nightmare Moon away when she wouldn’t lower it?  Because, she had to raise the sun, and she couldn’t do that with her interfering.”

“Huh.” I blinked, entirely caught off guard. “That’s... Y’know, I think I need to stop assuming that things work here the way they do on Earth.”

“What, did you think she sent me there for a thousand years just because I was misbehaving?” Luna gave a laugh, “Despite all the Trollestia content out there, nothing could be further from the truth.  My dear sister did what she had to do.”

“Yeah.  Celestia’s pretty cool,” I gave a nod before looking at Twilight before giving her a hoof-poke, “RIGHT, TWI?!”

“Yes, yes.  The princess is certainly amazing,” Twilight chuckled as she shook her head, “You’re pretty wired, I noticed.  That nap really did help, I take it?”

“Well, I was always a morning person.  Seriously though, I feel like a million bits!” I called out eagerly before hopping up and lighting my cigarette, moving to the side of the carriage to prevent smoking on anypony, “So, how far are we out?”

Twilight summoned an astrolabe, sextant, and a few star charts.  After a bit of compass work and using the stars as a locational reference, she nodded and unsummoned all of it, “About six hours.”

“Road trips.  Cool, I can handle it,” I nodded before doing a quick count and looking about frantically, “Hey!  Where’s Starlight?!”

“She’s left to meet up with the train from Ponyville,” Twilight gave a nod, “Trixie led the Shadow Ponies in an attack on Ponyville as we began evacuating everypony.  Luckily, Storm Wing made short work of the Shadow Ponies and Trixie was forced to run away.  She let slip that soon Canterlot would also be under attack, and that Luna would be their prisoner within the hour.  She didn’t know that I could teleport, I guess.  A good thing, too.  I got there just in time.”

“I was totally baffled how you just showed up out of nowhere,” I laughed with a nod, “Good thing you did, too.  If you had shown up any later, we might not have been so lucky.”

“Like Hot Shot,” Luna pointed out with a bit of a timid grimace.

We all stood in silence for a moment.  None of us knew Hot Shot especially well, but that didn’t mean we didn’t care.  He had saved our plots, sacrificing himself in the process, and I had every intention of doing whatever it took to help get him back to flying on the good side.  I can promise you, Twilight and Luna felt likewise.

“Still,” I concurred but was staying on the silver lining nonetheless, “Your timing was appreciated, Twilight.”

“Even if it was a little terrible,” I heard Luna mutter under her breath with a sigh.  Twilight did not seem to have heard, and I was pretending to have missed it as well.  Blargh.  I was still unsure how to approach this, much less make a decision.

“Actually, I arrived there several minutes before.  I was simply helping the Sky Archons organize an efficient evacuation plan before finding you two,” she modestly looked away and shrugged happily, “Luckily, they were after you two, so the evacuation went off without a hitch.  I just checked up on them a little while ago.  The evacuees are all on a different train to Appleloosa as well.”

“Does Appleloosa know we’re about to triple its population?” I asked with a nervous chuckle, “Is there going to be plenty of space for everypony?”

“Please.  There will be enough of a workforce to help make plenty of room,” Luna said with a roll of her pretty blue eyes, “I know this will blow your silly human mind, but we create buildings in hours and towns in days.  I can’t believe it takes you all several years for a town to properly begin flourishing.”

“Woah,” I blinked again, “And here I thought Japan was awesome for having built a single skyscraper in six days.  Ponies are amazing.”

“Yes, but you already knew that,” Twilight gave me a knowing wink.

I gave her an odd look before looking to Luna in confusion.  She blushed a bit before smiling sheepishly, “We’ve been talking.  I might have mentioned a few things.  Such as irrigation.”

“Okay,” I gave a fearful nod, “But that’s not all, is it.”  (Note: That wasn’t a question.  I was not asking.  I was making a statement.  Because I knew the answer.)

“And maybe a few things about human history.  Nothing bad, though!” she promised me, her smile becoming more and more sheepish and more and more nervous.

“For some reason, I am not feeling a sense of relief,” my eyes were widening already.  In fact, it was a sense of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM that was setting in.

Then she mumbled something under her breath that I didn’t catch.

“Speak up, princess!” I ordered, my eyes only getting bigger.

“May have... mentioned TV,” she tried to make it sound nonchalant.  Guess what?  SHE FAILED MISERABLY!

“You didn’t...” it was like getting hit with a bucket full of cold water.  Then getting that bucket dumped on me as I writhed in agony.

“And MLP:FIM,” she blurted out, blushing brightly.

“Luna!” My mind began to blue screen.  Errors popping up!  IT DOESN’T COMPUTE!

“And maybe a few shipfics!” she cried out, taking advantage of my blown mind to get the entire confession out.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” Emergency switches were going off.  The pressure was critical.  If my skull had escape pods, my brain might have abandoned ship.  As it were, it was forced to deal with it.  Much to my displeasure.

“And the human fascination with nudity.  And the imaginative ways to portray it,” she went for the Coup de grâce.

“Thhhbbbbbbtt~!” I blew a raspberry (Obviously I’m reverting to childhood responses.) because my mind was already overloaded.  It was in the middle of a reset, and the ability to arrange vocabulary into audible sentences fashioned in a grammatically correct pattern was still quite out of order.

“Don’t worry, Firewall.  I now know why you weren’t so quick to divulge everything to me, and I understand.  You were just being cautious on my account, and I’m touched by your concern,” Twilight replied in earnest, trying to make the entire situation feel nonchalant, “It’s a human cultural activity.  Strange as it is to me, I do not judge you for your ways.  It was how you were raised, after all.  May I ask a question, though?”

“That sounds like a terrible idea,” I was shaking my head, “In fact, I’m sure I’m going to regret this.  Go on.”

“Do humans not have multiple genders?” Twilight looked very serious.  In fact, if she had not looked so serious about it, I’d have thought she was making a poorly executed joke.

“I cannot fathom how you came to wonder such a thing, but yes.  Males and females.  Just like ponies,” I was still shaking my head, not wanting to think about where this was going.

“I’m just... confused.  Usually, ponies... um...  ‘pair up,’ I suppose, with their opposing gender,” Twilight said with a contemplative stare.

“As do humans.  Not that there’s anything wrong with the alternative,” I said, starting to become confused, “Why do you ask?”

“Oh.  Well, it just seemed... A lot of... speculative fiction was,” Twilight was starting to blush a bit, “Revolving around... A lot of female-only pairings.”

“I noticed that as well,” Luna looked at me with an amused smirk, “Why is that, Firewall?”

“Oh shut up, Luna,” I groaned, causing her to burst into a fit of laughter.

“But I’m curious~!” she faux-whined in between her snickering.

I facehoofed, “I bet you are.  Look, Twilight... Best to describe it like this:  Humans think of everything.  And I mean everything.  The human imagination runs wild.  If you can think of something, there’s likely a human who’s taken it four steps further and put his ideas into some form of media that you can find on Youtube.”

“What’s Yout-...” she started to ask me before I cut her off.

“Skip it,” I shook my head, “That’s going to be an extremely long line of questions on an entirely different subject.  The simplest way that I can put it is that you’re a popular medium in modern human culture, which means there is nearly endless amounts of ways to speculate on every unanswered question about you.  Including your romantic preference on genders.”

Twilight blinked, utterly stunned by that last part, “Y... You mean...?”

“Ummm... I didn’t mention anything about her ships, smart guy,” Luna held a hoof in front of her mouth as she began to laugh yet again.

“W... What?!” I began to panic, “Twilight, ignore what I said!”

“H-How can I!?” she shook her head, “What... That’s just... I don’t have time for a... relationship!  I’m too busy... with studies and... Oh... Humans are so... weird!  I thought Pinkie Pie was strange!”

“Okay!  Let’s just drop this subject!” I cried, still panicking.  Hell, I even broke out into a sweat, “Humans are strange!  That works!  Let’s just go with that!”

I looked at Luna.  She was still sputtering mirthfully.  I gave her an annoyed stare, which only made her erupt into an uncontrolled guffaw.  Reflecting back on this, I think it’s fair to say all she needed was trollface.jpg printed out on paper and taped to her face to complete the effect.  It took her nearly an entire minute to calm down, but that didn’t stop her from staring back with a huge shit-eating grin on her face.  Apparently she forgot, there was only enough room in Equestria for one smart ass.

“Okay.  We’ll drop it,” Luna said, still smiling as brightly as the sun on the other side of Equestria.

Nopony said a word for the next several minutes.  We just busied ourselves with doing unnecessary activities until the tension finally deflated.  Just as I turned to say something, not patient enough to fly in silence for so long, Twilight actually slipped the first word in.

“So... Who am I often paired with?” she asked, trying to look halfway uninterested (Unsurprisingly enough, Twilight makes a terrible liar.).

“BWAHAHA!” the damn indigo alicorn actually lost control of the stupid (I didn’t really mean it was stupid.  I love the A.S.C.A.) carriage as she doubled over in laughter.  We began to plummet, causing me to panic for an entirely new reason as I clung to the side of the carriage.  Twilight snatched control of it in shock as I pressed my face into the side of the coach and just whimpered.

“Kill me.  Just kill me now,” I murmured, my words drowned out by Luna’s rambunctious laughing.

And it was like that for SIX.  MORE.  HOURS.  I will tell you all, Twilight doesn’t have many flaws.  In fact, she’s just got only three that I can name offhand.  The first is that she’s obsessive compulsive to a fault on certain matters.  The second I will tell you later.  The third?  She is insatiably curious and has no inhibition when it comes to learning anything about anything.  I’ll just skip the details and let you know that it was a difficult six hours.  I’d never been so happy to see Appleloosa in my life.  Which made sense since I had never seen it in person (in pony?) before.

Now just to set the scene, (I really wasn’t interested in taking it in at the time, I was just ready to get away from those two) we all know what Appleloosa looks like by day.  Multiply its population, though, and it’s a mess with a rainbow of ponies running everywhere.  There were dozens of ponies swinging hammers at buildings and workbenches, all to accommodate their new guests and more to come.  I’m sure I would have reflected on just how... perfectly communist it all was if I wasn’t so preoccupied with my upcoming getaway.  (George Orwell would have loved Equestria.  If you don’t know who that is, look for the book Animal Farm and you’ll see why.  HOORJ LITERATURE!)

“LAND!” I jumped off the A.S.C.A. and what was quite possibly my least enjoyable sky ride ever, “SWEET FREEDOM!”

With that, I ran away from Twilight and her incessant queries.  I know I’m not a perfect pony to be around, but man, you get Twi started, and she can not stop.  I mean, she tried.  She really did.  But Luna was there every time to toss in a subtle comment to get her started on something entirely new.  It was the greatest trolling ever.  She was a master troller.  A pony has no business being such a master troll.  The only thing she didn’t do was look at me and go U MAD, BRONY?!

“I’m sorry!” I could hear Twilight calling out to me apologetically, though it was difficult to make out between Luna’s gasps for air.

In my mad dash to escape, I was tackled (Anyone else sensing a theme here?  Is that how ponies say hello or something?) by a pink organism with pink hair and a pair of pink... NO!  Blue eyes!  Yes, it was Pinkie Pie, hugging me happily with an excited squeal.  My reaction was to try and get the number of that bus that ran me over.  The local department of transportation would hear about this if it was the last thing I did!

“NO-NAME!” Her thrilled shriek pierced the air, causing everypony in Appleloosa within a two block radius to stop what they were doing and smile, “Now we get to NAME YOU!”

Now, mentlegen, I’ll have you know, I didn’t panic.  I calmly waited out the throttling hug (I started to black out for a second, surprisingly enough.) and smiled as Pinkie disengaged.

“Pinkie.  Princess Luna named me already,” I broke the news to her as plainly as I could, not beating around the bush.

Now, I thought she might be a little sad, maybe have a Pinkamina moment, or just explode in a pink jealousy rage.  The last thing I expected was for her to gasp before hugging my neck with the strength of Hercules yet again.

“That means you’re hers now!” she squealed, bouncing as she dislocated my vertebrae in her titanic embrace, “I’m so HAPPY FOR YOU~!  She can afford the really expensive scratching posts and *GAAAAASP~!* All the CUPCAKES YOU COULD WANT~!”

“Pinkie,” I squeaked as my vision began to lose focus, “I’m happy, too.  Let me go.”

“Okay!” she laughed as she released me before honking my nose, “Honk~!  What did she name you?”

“Firewall,” I coughed out my answer as sat back.

“That’s great!  Is it a wall made from fire?” she stuck her tongue out at me sarcastically, “What does it mean?”

“It mea-...” I started to say.

“Wait until I tell the girls!” she interrupted me before turning around and running down the street.

“Ummm... Okay,” I scratched my head as I watched her fade into the distance.  I continued on down main street and turned into what looked like the local watering hole.  I was surprised when I looked at the bar to see Storm Wing and Rainbow Dash standing at the bar (the way ponies normally stand, for there were no bar stools) and having a drink.  I got all excited and scampered my way over to them.

“Salutations, Firewall,” Storm Wing murmured as I approached, able to see me without even looking my way.  He gave a half-hearted wave, causing his armor to ring a tad when he set his hoof back down.

“Hmmm?” Rainbow Dash looked over her shoulder, smiling as she caught sight of me, “Hey!  Starlight said you should be arriving today!  Congrats on your name, tough guy!”

“Thanks!” I gave her a large goofy grin, holding up my hoof, which Dash laughed at before brohoofing me epically.

“You just get in?” she asked as she looked back at the barkeep, “One juice for my friend here.”

“Yeah.  Pinkie caught me and tried to name me.  I had to break the news that she missed out and that Luna gave me a name, although that only seemed to excite her even more,” I explained as I took hold of the cup of juice Dash was serving me.  I noticed that Storm Wing was being awfully quiet, “Thanks, Dash!”

I knocked the glass back with a smile and felt a rush of nostalgia.  I’d not had apple juice since I was a pre-teen.

“Huh?  But Pinkie was there when Twilight told us.” Dash looked a tad confused, furrowing her brow in response.

“You’re assuming Pinkie was paying attention,” I pointed out, not surprised by this in the least.

“Hah!  Yeah, I guess that ain’t a safe bet!” she snickered with a wing shrug, “Oh, Pinkie Pie.”

“You are so random,” I finished for her, causing her to start laughing with concurring nod.  I looked again at Storm Wing, chuckling along with her before glancing at Rainbow Dash.

She caught my glance and looked back at him before nudging him with a wing, “C’mon, Sparky, it’s okay to relax during serious times.  Laugh a little or you’ll end up crying instead!”

I resisted the urge to laugh at Rainbow Dash's choice of relevant monikers.  It wasn’t hard to resist, however, after seeing that he wasn’t being his usual stiff self.  He just wasn’t doing anything at all.  I leaned about to look at him from the side to see that his expression was a sad one.  Dash gave me a wing shrug before deciding to give us some dude time.  If you ask me though, Dash is cool enough to be in any bro circle.  Hell, Dash probably has her own bro circle.  LIKE A BAWSS!

“I’ll catch you guys later.  I’m going to go see if Starlight is up for a race or something,” she excused herself before smiling at me as she left, “Good to see you again, big guy.”

“You too, champ!” I smiled in response before turning to Storm Wing and poking him with my hoof. “Hey.”

“Hey,” He said quite plainly, “glad you’re okay.”

“You alright?” I asked, ignoring his attempt at smalltalk.

“Yeah.” he shut his eyes and sighed.

“We’ll get her back, mate,” I reassured him, shaking my head at the barkeep pony (I wish I had asked his name.  It was probably something cool like Wet Whistle or Sasparilla) when he gave us an asking glance.

“The last time The Nightmare took an alicorn, it lasted for a thousand years,” he murmured as his ears drooped.

“Well, Nightmare Sol won’t even make it to her first birthday, I promise.” I set a hoof on his shoulder.  

He faced my general direction before inhaling deeply. “Right.  You’re right.”

“You don’t sound convinced.” he really didn’t.  I was then struck with a thought that I blurted without thinking, “Storm Wing, have you ever even failed in a task?”

“What?” He opened his eyes, confusion now splayed on his visage.

“Have you ever been defeated?  Or failed to carry out a mission?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

“Not... Not really,” I was surprised to hear him say.

“Never?” it seemed a little too far fetched for me to swallow, “One thousand years and you never met a dragon you couldn’t bring down?  Or had to retreat?”

“Well, retreating isn’t failure.  Just a delay until victory,” he said earnestly, “and no, dragons aren’t very fast fliers, and when you fly faster than the fire they breath, they’re quite a joke.  Phoenixes are the worst, really.”

I couldn’t help but feel he was exaggerating, at least a little. “Whatever.  Repeat what you just said?”

“Phoe-...”

“Seriously, man?  You think there’s something significant about phoenixes in what we’re talking about?” I rolled my eyes, knowing he couldn’t see it. “You know what I’m talking about.”

He blinked before letting a grin spread across his muzzle.  Finally, he gave a chuckle and nodded, “You’re right.  We’ve just retreated.  It isn’t over.”

“You’re buckin’ right it isn’t,” I chuckled before hearing the bell at the door ring loudly.  Curiosity provoked me to give it a glance before groaning, “Damn it all to hell.”

“What?” his eyes narrowed as he focused, trying to sense what I was seeing.

Luna was at the door with Applejack, walking towards the bar.  Fortunately, her demeanor had changed from TROLL TEH FIREWALL to rather serious and determined.  As they approached, I caught a bit of their conversation.

“An’ Braeburn says we should be able t’house everypony fer today, but we’re needin’ to chop down some’ah the orchard to take care’ah the ponies from Canterlot.  Ah think they’ll fuss about the uh... rough livin’, though,” Applejack explained as she smiled over at me, acknowledging me with a nod as she continued to speak to Princess Luna. “Ah gotta say though, between you’n Twilight managin’ matters, things’ll be goin’ swimmin’ly, Ah reckon.”

“I plan on it,” Luna stared through me, pensively murmuring her reply, “Go ahead and take whatever you need from the orchard and clear as much land as you need.  Tell your cousin he’ll be compensated as soon as order is reestablished.  And if any of Canterlot’s citizens give you any grief, you send them straight to me.  I’ll straighten out any pony that thinks he or she is more deserving than anypony else.”

“Your highness,” Storm Wing turned to her with a bow, “I’m glad your safe.”

“Likewise, Captain.  Just Luna will do.” She huffed before looking to Applejack once more, “Any other questions?”

“No, yer highness,” she replied instantly, not thinking about what Luna had just said.

“By the light of... You call me anything but Luna again and I’ll have Storm Wing give you combat training for a week.” She facehoofed as she shook her head. “And trust me, I’ve seen what the Sky Archons go through.  There’s a reason there have only been fifty Sky Archons in a thousand years.”

“Everypony cries on their first day,” Storm Wing pointed out with a smirk, supporting Luna’s argument.

“S-Sorry, Ma’am... Um... Princess Luna!  Ah... Luna!” Applejack looked rather intimidated, her face turning red.  I was rather surprised.  The only time I’d ever seen her sweat was when Pinkie Pie gave her that god-awful stare.

“That scare you, Applejack?” I asked with a laugh.

“Well... Shoot yeah!  Ah saw’m fight off that big-headed showpony, Trixie!” she nodded vigorously. “It was none too kind, neither!”

“She’s just a stupid unicorn with a load of chaotic magic.  She doesn’t even know how to use it properly,” he scoffed, a bit of his pride showing through, “Honestly, you probably could have taken her on your own, Applejack, strong as you are.”

“Well, uh... Ah’m not much fer fightin’,” Applejack blushed a bit more as she stammered.  Her modesty was quite endearing. “Anyway... Ah’ll see everypony later.  Ah need t’help get everythin’ ready for the ponies on their way.  Good t’see ya again, Firewall.  Be grateful an’ such.  Not everypony gits named by the princess, after all.  Ya’ll stay safe, now.”

“Trust me, she’s made up for it with other shenanigans,” I waved at her as she turned to leave, “Peace AJ!”

We all watched her leave for a moment before Luna spoke up, looking back my way with a smirk, “Still bitter?”

“I am so bitter that I’m too dark for chocolate,” I huffed irritably.

“Awww, but you seem so sweet~!” she teased before laughing, glancing at Storm Wing, “Did everypony make it?”

“Yes, your highness,” he responded with an affirming nod.

“Storm Wing,” she cut her eyes his way, “What did I just tell Applejack?”

“As long as I am your Captain, you will be my Princess,” his voice sounded as though he was willing to get in a fight over the matter.

“I’ve no problems promoting Starlight, you know.  At least she can drop formality when I order her to,” I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not, but I could tell that Storm Wing didn’t find it funny either way.  It made sense that they had conflicting personalities.  After all, Luna isn’t formal in the least and Storm Wing was nothing but strict order and discipline.

“Woah, woah, woah,” I stepped in between them, as Storm Wing set his jaw, ready to hash it out on the spot, “Really you two are being stubborn on a stupid matter.  Let it go.  Storm Wing, learn to relax when ponies are trying to be relaxed.  Luna, don’t escalate something so pointless just because somepony feels strongly about an idea that opposes yours.”

“Butt out,” Storm Wing growled as Luna stepped around me.

“This doesn’t concern you, Firewall,” she snapped at me before looking at Storm Wing, her eyes narrowing in determination.  Her voice had suddenly shifted to a higher volume and a stronger tone, “Are you questioning my orders, Captain Storm Wing?”

It suddenly came to me that she sounded almost exactly like Celestia.  Like her sister, she was showing that she could leave no room to argument and Storm Wing had picked up it on as I had.

He glared for a moment before lowering his eyes and bowing yet again, “No, your majesty.”

“Then you use my name when I tell you to.  You’re an example.  If my own Captain doesn’t follow my orders, then why should anypony else,” she clarified, her voice still firm and above reproach, “Is that clear?”

I blinked in shock.  Luna really knew how to step up to the plate whenever she needed to.

“Yes, your majesty,” he replied, remaining bowed.

“Marvelous.  Now, how are you today, Storm Wing?” she asked, raising her head and staring down her nose at him.

“I am well... … Luna,” he answered forcibly, looking as though he was going to be sick.

“Good,”  she cantered over to raise him to up.  Without warning, she suddenly pulled him into a hug, catching everypony off guard and for several seconds, nopony said anything.  Even all the other bar patrons were staring at the two of them in shock.  Their nosiness shook me from my stunned gaping, causing me to glare at them all.  I don’t like nosy people or nosy ponies!

“Take a picture, jackponies!” I shouted at them, causing all of them to quickly go about their business.

“Thanks, Firewall,” Luna murmured before breaking the hug and looking down.  She began whispering softly, “Look, Storm... We know I’m not used to leading.  I’m going to need your help.  I don’t know if you can tell or not, but I’m actually scared out of my horseshoes.  I just... You took care of my sister while I was gone... And now I need you to take care of me as I do my best to fill in for her.”

Storm Wing’s stunned expression faded into regret before steeling itself in determination.  He nodded with a dire look on his face, “I’m sorry about the attitude, your... Luna.  I promise you, you’ve nothing if not my support.”

“Thank you,” she said with a deep breath, sighing it out and giving a yawn, “I need a rest.  I’ve placed a spell to hold the Moon in place.  If it starts to move, come wake me up.”

“Sleep well, Luna,” Storm Wing offered politely.

She smiled at him then looked to me expectantly.

“Still bitter,” I reminded her after a moment of awkward silence, “Go to bed.  That’s all you get.”

“But,” she pouted, sticking out her bottom lip expectantly.  I had to look away.  Even if she was a primary source of annoyance, she had mastered the art of cute and undeniable pout through thousands of years of having used it on Celestia, “Pleeaaase?”

“Now why does he get the magic word and I get the royal talk down?” Storm Wing huffed irritably.

“Shush,” she ordered before looking at me one last time, “You’re going to hurt my feelings~!”

“Perish the thought,” I held my hoof to my forehead as if I were succumbing to a fit of the vapors, “Whatever shall we do~?”

“Hey!” I heard a small voice come from beneath me.  We all looked down to see a tiny yellow pony with red hair and a large pink ribbon in the back.  Luna and I both gasped, recognizing her right away, “Ya’ll kin give th’princess due respect!  She’s just askin’ fer a ‘good night’ after all!”

“Applebloom!” I gasped, going parallel with the floor to look her straight in the eye, “You are ADORABLE.  Where are the other crusaders!?”

“Wh... What?  How’d y’all know mah name?” she stepped back, entirely unprepared for such familiarity, “Are... Are ya’ll... a wizard?”

I was barely able to restrain myself from squeeing at her.  Luna proved she still had no self control in that department and had to cover her mouth with a hoof as she cackled.  Storm Wing looked down at the little filly and promptly turned back around to the bar.  Somepony doesn’t like kids.  Me?  I love kids that are right around that six-year old stage, especially when their parents actually had the balls to keep them straightened out and such.

“Long story, trust me, you don’t wanna hear it.  But I’ll be nice enough to share my name so we’re even.  I’m Firewall!” I did chuckle a bit before smiling at her, “So you think I need to be nice to mean ol’ Luna, eh?”

“Ya’ll can’t call the princess mean!” she protested, glaring at me ADORABLY.  I almost picked her up and ran around the room with her just out of impulse.  I was able to refrain from such a display, but it was harder than I thought it would have been.

“I just did.  Whatcha gonna do about it, tiny?” I taunted with a big smile.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Princess Defenders!”  I heard two small voices cry out from behind me and before I could look, it was on.  I had Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo on my back, jumping up and down on me as Applebloom grabbed my face in an attempt to wrestle it to the ground and hold me there.  Fortunately, they were doing absolutely no damage with their endearing efforts, but I let them think they were.  Kids are cool.  With a false cry of strain, I rolled to my side and let myself be ‘pinned’ to the ground.

“Well done, Crusaders!” Luna cried out after a minute or so of laughing at my expense (I am still not allowed to win, I see), “Let’s see if he’s willing to cooperate now.”

“You’re such a pushover, Firewall,” I heard Storm Wing comment as I was released from the tiny assault.

I got back up, feigning injury before sighing and looking at Luna, “Well, Luna...  It seems I’ve been defeated.  Curse you and your protectors.”

“Watch it!” Scootaloo growled warningly.

“You cannot talk to the princess that way!” Sweetie Belle declared, cutting a glare my way.

“Right!  Now ya’ll apologize an’ wish her a good night!  Or we’ll give ya’ll more’a the same!” Applebloom threatened, waving a clenched hoof at me.  How she managed that, I’ll never know.

“Well, Firewall?” she smirked arrogantly behind her damned wall of cute and cuddly defenders, “Let’s hear it.”

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and steeling myself for what was to come.  After a moment of consideration, I simply shook my head, “Nah!  You’ll have to beat it out of me!”

“Oh, pick me, Luna,” Storm Wing offered as the Cutie Mark Crusaders charged me again.  

I leaped over them, smiling at Luna as I ran past her.  I did whisper as I passed by, though, “Good night.”

“You cannot run from us!” Sweetie Belle cried out as I made for the door.

For the next few hours or so, I exhausted myself running from the Crusaders.  We entertained a lot of ponies with our nonsense, running around like a bunch of idiots.  Being nearly five times their height, there was no way they could keep up on hoof, so they started getting creative.  This involved splitting up and heading me off.  I answered by ambushing loners and putting them in buckets that they were too small to get out of or putting them up on high surfaces that they couldn’t easily get down from.  Then they tried using the scooter and wagon, to which I used the wheel’s greatest enemy:  The stair.  Eventually, though, I ran out of will and simply flopped over in the middle of a grassy patch just on the edge of the apple orchard after another foot race.  Much to my fortune, they were equally beat and merely proceeded to poke at me lazily as they made their demands.

“Ya’ll... thought ya’ll... could git away.... eh?” Applebloom panted through her words.

“Now, yer... gonna get it,” Scootaloo swore to me, lazily flopping across my shoulder, “I’ll... hold him down.”

“Good job... Scoots...” Sweetie Belle likewise lounged upon my neck, giggling a tad, “Do you... surrender?”

“Well, okay,” I said with a tired laugh, “But I’m... not getting up for... a few minutes.”

“F... Fine,” Applebloom agreed to that, sitting back against me, her breath still coming in gasps, “Ya’ll... kin take a br... break.”

“But don’t... don’t expect us to go easy on you,” Scootaloo mumbled lazily.

“Of course not,” I snorted softly, staring at the closest apple tree for no particular reason, “I’ve learned my lesson.”

“Did we... get our cutie marks?” Sweetie Belle asked, too tired to look herself.

I chuckled again, inhaling the scent of the sweet apple orchard and smiling.  With the moon in the sky, it was actually rather easy to see everything.  The beautiful stars twinkled down at me and the troubles of Nightmare Sol and Azure Flora seemed so far away.  This is what Equestria is supposed to feel like, I told myself.  A soft breeze floated our way, carrying a bit of a chill and the Crusaders all shifted away from it a bit.  It wasn’t long before I heard Scootaloo snoring, and I realized I had become a bed.

“Great,” I murmured lowly, craning my neck to look at them.  Surely enough, they were all passed out.  I smiled and gently lifted them all up with a bit of unicorn magic before placing them on my back after standing.  With the utmost of care, I began to walk back into town, thoughtfully keeping the air around me warm on their behalf.  As I made my way back in, I quickly remembered I had no idea where to go.  I wandered about for a bit, looking for a familiar face.  Thankfully, I found a pair of said faces, but was a little hesitant.  It was both Miss Rarity and Fluttershy sitting under a table umbrella (What, were they trying to beat the heat or something?  Avoid a moon burn?) with a candle illuminating them as they sipped at their beverages.  They were sipping at what I could only assume was tea.  I steered my approach to come up behind Fluttershy.  Rarity spotted me and gave me an odd look, but I held up a hoof and shooshed quietly.  She was confused, but amicable enough to agree.  I slipped up behind the yellow pegasus and leaned over to whisper right into her ear.

“Boo,” I said suddenly, causing her to jump and squeak a bit in shock.  I laughed quietly as she turned around, panting a bit in fear, “You’re going to wake them up, Fluttershy.  You’re such a loudmouth.”

“Oh... It’s you!” her exclamation, while excited, carried the decibel strength of a mouse’s heartbeat.  She smiled at me and nodded, turning to Rarity with a quiet giggle, “Rarity, this is the one Twilight was talking about.”

“Firewall, she said?” she smiled after I nodded my confirmation, “It is quite a pleasure to meet you. How do you do, my good gentlecolt?”

“Splendid, milady,” I answered with a polite nod, speaking softly, “You wouldn’t happen to know where I can... drop off this cargo, would you?”

“Awwww~!” Fluttershy was quietly examining the crusaders, gently brushing Scootaloo’s hair and causing her to happily moan in response, “They’re such angels~!”

“I’ve just the place in mind,” Rarity said with a pleasant smile, “I should thank you for occupying them.  I was afraid they would get in trouble or disrupt some pony’s hard work.”

“They’re so cute~!” Fluttershy cooed  to no one in particular as she continued to feed her inner Squee.

“Nah, they just need some attention,” I gave a nod before looking myself over, grimacing at how sweaty and dirty I was (YES, I’D BEEN BATHING FOR THOSE WHO ARE WONDERING!), “And I need a bath.  Badly.”

“Well, I certainly wasn’t going to be rude and make assumptions,” she said with a strained smile, “I suppose you have no place to stay.”

“I figured Luna would...” I started to say before I was cut off.

“Princess Luna,” she reminded me, “And I’ll take that as a no.  Come with me, then.  I’ll see you shortly Fluttershy.”

“Awww,” Fluttershy was saddened at the prospect of leaving the crusaders, but she nodded and smiled nonetheless, “Just as well.  I need to get back to finding the animals their homes while they’re here.”

“Trust me, Miss, she hates the formality.  She’s... more practical than that,” I explained, trying to think of a way to tell Rarity that Princess Luna did not behave like a princess at all.

“You sound as though you’ve spoken with her,” she smiled, looking back at me as she led me through the streets to one of the recently constructed homes.  The difference between this house and the ones directly beside it was that the wood had been polished, sanded, painted, and decorated from top to bottom in ribbons, etchings, and greenery.

“Oh, Twilight didn’t explain everything, I see,” I gave a chuckle as we entered.

Rarity looked back at me as she began to scan about her home for something, “I beg your pardon?”

“I’m the human that appeared the same time the crater did,” really, it was the quickest explanation that I could have come up with

“Oh, that dreadful thing,” she gave a haughty laugh, “What an eyesore, don’t you think?”

“Days upon days of lost sleep, milady,” I laughed as I rolled my eyes.  She smiled at my humor, taking it all in good stride.

“Where were you at that time, anyway?” I couldn’t help but be curious.

“Oh, I was actually in Canterlot, fashioning a few new dresses with Hoity Toity,” she replied nonchalantly as she sighed in frustration, still searching for whatever it was that eluded her, “The gentlecolt has an eye for spotting fashion and an even better one towards marketing such beautiful work, but I must say, he’s not much of a designer himself.”

“This really isn’t fazing you in the least, is it?” I was smirking amazed at just how interested she seemed without being enthusiastic about the situation.  Then it hit me that she was doing so intentionally, to which she confirmed with her response.

“A lady must keep her composure, my good sir.  It’s all fascinating, I assure you, but I’ve learned that one must keep her wits about her if she’s to make any progress,”

“You know... You’re the toughest pretty-girl, ever.  Props to you, Miss Rarity,” I said in all honesty, “You’re actually something of a popular culture icon where I come from and are admired for keeping such poise and grace, even under pressure.”

“Why thank you, Mister Firewall, your homeland already sounds wonderful,” she feigned modesty with a hoof covering her cheek just as she finally found what she was looking for, “Celestia’s tears, that’s where it was!”

She yanked a furniture sheet out from under her couch, tossed it into the air, and let it billow out with her magic before settling it back over the couch.

“Please, just Firewall.  So, you’ve been here all of what... a few hours?  It looks as though you’ve spent days decorating just the walls,” I proclaimed as I looked about.  Not a drop of paint was out of place, not a bit of sawdust adorned her floors.  Her colors of warm pink carpeting and stark white walls blended well and I could tell that she had gone out of her way to acquire a special thinner for her paint.  I could smell that very particular resin that my uncles had sworn by, proclaiming anything not made with this certain plant or tree or whatever (Yeah, I kinda tuned them out when they got to talk about the exciting world of PAINT.  HOLD ME THE HELL BACK!).

“Well, it is my gift after all.  Here we are,” she beckoned me over to the couch and one by one, we transferred the somewhat dirty crusaders from my back to the couch.  They were so small that they weren’t even slightly crowding each other’s space, but after a moment, they inched their way to one another, piling up like tired puppies.

“Heavens, I must confess that they’re absolutely darling when they’re not conscious,” she admitted with a smile, running a hoof over Sweetie Belle’s mane, “They must have been such a trouble.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it.  Kids are fun,” I told her with a confident smile, “Nothing to it, really.  You just have to remember how to be a kid.”

“That doesn’t sound very... mature, if you don’t mind my saying,” she teased with a soft titter before moving to the closet and bringing me a towel.  I dread to think of how much of her boutique made it into that train.

“Well, a wise man once said, that the desire to be an adult is a child’s way.  A healthy and maturing child’s way, mind you, but a child’s way nonetheless,” I began to roughly quote C.S. Lewis, “As you grow to become an adult, though, you set away childish things, including the urgent desire to be an adult.”

“Why... I never thought of it that way,” she looked somewhat surprised, mulling over the profound words, “What else did this gentlecolt say?”

“He also said that one never truly possesses anything until they can give it away,” I gave a chuckle, wondering if she would get the philosophical implications.

“I see... That... actually makes perfect sense.  If one is unwilling to part with their possessions then, in a way, it is more as though that one belongs to their possessions,” she mused aloud.  It was my turn to be stunned, this time at how quickly she had thought it through.  I’ve met hundreds of people that still think all C.S. Lewis meant was to just start giving everything away because he was a drug addicted philosopher.  Before I could comment on how much she had impressed me, Rarity rushed me along, “And speaking of possessions, you will find my washroom behind you.  It’s very clean and you may use whatever you like, but I simply ask that you put everything back where you found it.”

“Thank you, Miss Rarity.  You truly are the element of generosity,” I gave her a sweeping bow, simply because I was aware that she would appreciate the somewhat dramatic effort.

“Not at all, my dear.  After all, you saved one of my best friends,” she shushed me with a prize winning smile, “It’s the least I can do.”

“I did?” I gave her a puzzled glance, stopping just as the bathroom door.

“Oh, do you not remember?  Rainbow Dash was saved thanks to your efforts, Firewall,” she reminded me with a nod, “It must be quite a heroic life you lead if you so quickly forget about the ponies you save.”

“Hah!  Not so much.  Wow, that seems so long ago, actually.  It’s only been a week, hasn’t it?” I smirked, somewhat surprised at how the time was flying, yet it wasn’t moving so quickly after all.

“Indeed.  Now run along, we can chat later,” she gave me a dismissing wave of her hoof, “I will look after the girls.”

“Yeah, now that the hard part is over with,” I gave a laugh as I entered the bathroom.

“Why, I simply do not know whatever it is you’re talking about,” her voice feigned sorrow.  It actually reminded me of Luna’s sarcastic nature, only more... ladylike.

As I settled into the bathroom and drew the bathwater (I’ve not taken an actual bath-bath in years.  Just showers.  That alone was pretty cool.), I began to marvel once again how good and trusting the ponies were.  Rarity’s generosity truly did touch me, and while she wasn’t my favorite of the Mane 6, she was definitely the one I could grant the most respect to.  I’ve always been able to look up to the truly independent and consistent for being able to take the heat and still keep everything in their life together.  Parasprite attacks excluded, I’d never seen Rarity panic for a very long time.  I didn’t get the impression that she was just naive and didn’t understand the situation, but that she knew to keep on keeping on.

Finally, I let myself sink into the steaming hot water and sighed, submersing as much of me as I possibly could.  I shut my eyes and relaxed, suddenly aware of all the aches and bruises for the first time in a long time.

“Feels good, pony,” I murmured to myself before getting an unexpected interruption.

~Having a good time?~

~Oh good.  You’re here.~

~You’re happy to hear from me?~

~Not at all.  But I do think it’s time that you and I had a heart to heart.~

~I’ve been thinking that very same thing.~

~Okay, I’d have written down a list, but then I’d have to hold the pencil in my mouth and I can’t see what I’m doing, so let’s see what I can recall from memory.~

~You don’t sound very confident.  Also, you can write with your unicorn magic~

~Shut up, I was making a reference.  And no, I’m not confident.  My memory is about as reliable as a perforated condom.  But it’s all we got right now.  So first thing on the plate.  Azure Flora.~

~What about her?~

~Everything you know, duh.~

~Ah.  Well, she was a gardener in the original capitol.  She was quite good, actually.  She was also in love with the Captain of the Equestrian Guard, and he felt very much the same for her.  Then the first human appeared and began spreading the blight of non magical substances.  She refused to abandon the city when nearly everyone else had.  Eventually, no one but Celestia, Luna, The Equestrian Guard, and the very most loyal ponies lived there.  Soon, the esoteric material began to break about the castle, which could not support itself without the help of magic.~

~All because of the anti-magic stuff.~

~Yes.  Inmanipulon, your purple friend named it, I believe.~

~Yeah, I’m not using that name.  What is it really, and how did it affect her?~

~Which question should I answer first?~

~What is it?~

~Your friend believes the material radiates a negative magic energy that cancels out magic.  So does Azure Flora.  That is incorrect.  It is actually a complete lack of magic.  Magic supports itself, so when it enters into an area lacking it, it fades.  Eventually enough magic can seep in and... ‘remagic’ the substance back to normality, but it takes a long time.  Centuries, even.~

~So how did it make her immortal?~

~Purely random effect of prolonged exposure.  With enough time away from magic, one’s body can have strange reactions when refamiliarizing one’s self with it.  The truly interesting development, though, is her ability to manipulate the ‘inmanipulable’ material with her mind.~

~How can she do that?  There’s no magic to work with, right?~

~Who knows?  Perhaps she is psychic.  Or perhaps the lack of magic allows her to exert a different kind of magic.  Magic has shown the tendency to contradict its own... ‘rules’ before.  Whatever the case, she has a unique gift that allows her to corral and use the power that is anti-magic.~

~So why didn’t that happen to me?~

~Because you are in a body that isn’t yours.~

~Woah.  Woah Woah Woah.  These questions are just leading into bigger questions.~

~I know.  It’s simply delightful, don’t you think?~

~Not at all!  What do you mean this isn’t my body?~

~All I know is that it existed before you arrived.  It’s probably the reason you’re not creating the material wherever you go and haven’t stumbled across it by now.~

~You haven’t got a clue?~

~Well, I know it was created magically.  Unicorn or not, no pony can ‘breathe’ anything besides air.~

~That explains a lot, I suppose.  What about the cigarette box?~

~What about it?~

~Why does it never run out of cigarettes?~

~Same reason apple crates never run out of apples if you take them one by one.  This land is magical.  Every last thing from the dust in the air to the parasprites.  It’s easiest to assume that if it works a specific way on Earth, it likely doesn’t work that way here.~

~It just feels so... surreal, at times.  It rarely makes any sense.~

~It’s not supposed to.  It’s magic.  It is beyond the rules of reality.~

~So... Equestria is built off magic.  Down to the brass tacks.~

~Indeed.  Every living thing depends and supports magic in an entirely metaphysical ecological system not unlike that of Earth’s and its inhabitants.  These are two entirely separate realities that you have come to familiarize yourself with, and the... mixing of the two just in the slightest certainly does have a chaotic, though not necessarily detrimental, effect on Equestria.  Such as the Inmanipulon.~

~So humans really do create that stuff.~

~Oh yes.  Flora has the right of it, to be sure.  She’s no fool.  She believes that you are a very real, very dangerous threat to this world and in some ways, you are.  She’s seen what can happen firsthand, and she will stop at nothing to remove you from her beloved Equestria.~

~I see.~

~It’s a sobering thought, is it not?~

~Extremely sobering.  But why am I not... shedding this crap wherever I go?~

~Well, it’s because humans do not simply cause the material to simply appear, at least not in vast quantities.  It has to be done willingly for a significant amount to be created. ~

~Wait, what?  How does it work?~

~I do not think you can perform the act in that form.  It’s something about a human’s... field, if you must.~

~You mean how all living things on earth emit a small amount of electromagnetism?~

~Yes.  Humans can actually control this field.  If one does this on Earth, nothing discernible happens.  This is because the entire planet is emitting an electromagnetic field of its own and that field overpowers the human’s field.  Here, however, it is not unlike a pegasus focusing electromagic to make lightning.  The difference is when a human exerts this force, rather than manipulate the magic, it focuses it instead, pulling it out of the surroundings of the focal point.~

~So... it condenses magic by taking an area of magic and pulling it into a single spot.~

~A perfect explanation.~

~Magnets.  How do they @*$+*%^ work?  And how do you know any of this at all?~

~Oh.  Well, that is a rather personal question, you see.  Why do you want to know?~

~Because I need answers on just what happened a thousand years ago.  Were you there?~

~I was.~

~It wasn’t just a simple story of Celestia and her team versus The Nightmare, was it?~

~No.~

~Then tell me what happened.~

~Are you sure yo-... ~

~TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!~

~You are very determined, I see.  Very well.  Keep in mind, this may not be something you want to hear.~

~I’m a big boy.  I can take it.~

~We shall see.

A human came to Equestria a thousand years ago.  Like you, he knew of the existence of the Equestrians and was extremely fond of them and their ways of life.  He wanted to be a part of such a utopia, but never expected he would obtain the chance to experience it himself.

Then the impossible happened.  He was brought here by a powerful being that simply wanted to... ‘do him a favor’ or so it said.  The human, being a trusting fool, took the being at its word and threw himself into the society of Equestria.  Though his appearance did make matters difficult at first, it was not long before he was lovingly accepted as part of the whole.  He brought such new ideas and ways of thinking, helping to advance the entire kingdom through simple suggestion.

It was not long, however that the human noticed that occasionally, the Equestrians found themselves at the unforgiving mercy of predators, assailants, and those that would take advantage of the innocent creatures.  The human, enraged by such events, sought out Celestia and Luna.  He proposed the idea of militaristic protectors.  Celestia was appalled by the idea and refused.  Luna, however, saw the potential of Equestrians that could defend themselves and others.~

~Wait, Luna met the human?  Why hasn’t she said anything.~

~Oh, that will become clear, eventually.~

~Where does the anti-magic come in?~

~Shall I tell the story or just answer your questions?~

~Fine, fine, point taken.~

~Good.  Now, keep in mind, this all took place within the first few days.  Not even a week had passed during this time.  He did eventually learn how to focus magic by accident and quickly discovered that the results had consequences and minimized the use of this dreadful power.

As I was saying before, Celestia was against the entire idea, but when Luna showed her support, she reluctantly agreed.  A group of Pegasi, Unicorns, and Earth stallions immediately jumped at the idea of being able to protect loved ones.  Who wouldn’t want to be a hero, after all?~

~How did that work out?~

~Swimmingly, at first.  However, the Equestrian Guard was not enough against greater threats.  Celestia and Luna often had to resort to the ancient magics of the Elements of Harmony, but they could not be everywhere at once and the Elements of Harmony were not meant for such frequent use.  So then the human decided stronger, more powerful warriors were needed.  After considering his options, he chose pegasi as being the most exemplary subjects for testing as they would be able to respond to any threat from towering hydras to malevolent dragons.~

~Sky Archons.~

~You’re starting to put it together.  Yes, a single pegasus volunteered.  The rest were too afraid when they learned that the process might alter them beyond what was normal.  But this one was willing to dedicate his entire life to being the Shield of Equestria.  Sound familiar?~

~Sounds like Storm Wing’s got a lot of his daddy in him.  I take it this was Winter Sky?~

~You are doing so well now.  Yes, Winter Sky was the first Sky Archon.  However, it was the process that created him that caused the first wave of the dreaded material.  Fortunately, the human had made preparations, thus the situation was well managed.  Being that this would be his first attempt on focusing magic into a being, he had taken every precaution that he could think of, but fortunately, it was unnecessary.  It worked wonderfully.  Winter Sky was a powerful pegasus that defended Equestria for the next several years with stunning success.  Even Celestia reconsidered her thoughts on the matter after watching the selfless pony in action.  She showed her approval by making Winter Sky the Captain of the Equestrian Guard and every single pony looked up to him in awe.~

~The Captain of the G... Wait... Winter Sky was Azure Flora’s beau?~

~You’re getting good at this, Firewall, I’m impressed.  Yes, Azure Flora and Winter Sky were very much in love.  Having known him before his change, she treated him as she always had and he took solace in that.  Equestrians as a race only craved simple happy lives.  Even now, that mostly remains the same with a few exceptions.  In any case, the point was that being around Azure Flora was when he felt life was simple and happy.  Therefore, he proposed after a short, customary courtship.  There was quite the celebration when their wedding was announced, followed by the news of an oncoming child.~

~HOLY BIT, SHE’S STORM WING’S MOTHER!!~

~It’s like a set of dominoes, is it not?  One answer leads to another and to another and to another.~

~So wait, why didn’t she recognize her son when we met  up with her?~

~Because she did not raise Storm Wing.  Celestia did.~

~Aroo?~

~Shall I continue the story?~

~I’m trying to think of a witty way to say yes, but it’s not coming to me.  Carry on.~

~As you wish.  Winter Sky protected the lands as best he could, but he had much land to cover and many threats to respond to.  Equestria today is quite the peaceful place, you see, because of the Sky Archons that strike fear into the hearts of those that would bring harm to the innocent.  It was not always this way.  This, in turn, caused the human to ask for more volunteers to help defend Equestria.  Shockingly, he found none.~

~Really?  I mean, ponies aren’t known for being especially violent, I guess but...~

~No, that wasn’t the case at all.  The Equestrian guard had a fair number to them, but none of the Equestrians were brave enough to sacrifice their livelihood to become something more for the sake of all.  See, everypony knew that Winter Storm had very little time to himself because he was something of a celebrity to them.  Perhaps such bravery was Winter Sky’s special talent?  Regardless, the human had no one to turn to.  That’s when he decided to try and make his own protector out of pure magic.~

~Then came The Nightmare.~

~Ah, so you figured it out.~

~I said it and I still can’t believe it.~

~Oh, but yes.  The human approached the princesses about his idea, and since his judgment had been so trustworthy in the past, they approved and even assisted him.  During the middle of the night, on a full moon, h-...~

~Was the full moon significant?  I mean, really?~

~You are quite possibly the most difficult audience I’ve ever had to deal with.~

~Then stop trying to distract me and sell it to me straight.~

~Fine.  He created a being of shadow and power to fight those that would hurt Equestrians far and wide.  And he failed.  Not because he executed it poorly, but because he had drained the entire capitol of its magic in doing so.  When The Nightmare took form, it knew nothing but pain and lashed out in response.  It was a creature of magic in a place that had no magic to give.  Only the Elements of Harmony and Winter Sky resisted the magical extraction.~

~Princess Luna and Celestia?~

~They were not harmed, but they could not use magic.  Winter Sky, however, was likely resistant due to the fact that his power was given to him by the very same human.  Or perhaps he was stronger than the princesses.  One can only speculate.~

~I doubt he was stronger than Celestia.~

~You say that, but the princesses are leaders, not warriors.  It is true, they are powerful alicorns, but they are not omnipotent, nor are they beings of a divine nature.~

~Whatever.  Irrelevant.  Continue.~

~Very well.  The Nightmare lashed out, its young mind already scarred by immeasurable pain.  Winter Sky moved to defend the human and the princesses, but he soon learned that this foe was beyond him.  The princesses, void of magic, were unable to spark the Elements of Harmony.~

~So how did it end?~

~Have you not guessed?~

~I’ve an idea.  Go on.~

~As I told you before during our last talk, Winter Sky made the ultimate sacrifice.  The human distracted The Nightmare by draining away some of its magic, doing his best to help.  Now somewhat unravelled, The Nightmare lost what little sanity it had left and struck out at its creator.  The human, wounded, was forced to retreat as Winter Sky begged the princesses to take his magic to use the Elements of Harmony.  At first they refused, knowing that it would bring about his premature end.  Free of distraction, The Nightmare dove into Luna.  Celestia tried to save her sister, but was unable to with no magic at her disposal.  I think that was the day that Celestia finally understood that being a leader meant that sometimes one had to do things she did not like in order to serve the greater needs of others.  Winter Sky begged her to do what she had to do before all was lost, and with a heavy heart, she relented, using his magic to spark the Elements of Harmony.

It was too late, however.  The Elements of Harmony are meant to be used by ponies working in harmony, not one alicorn trying to carry the burden of two.  The folly of the human, the folly of Celestia, and the folly of Winter Sky resulted in both Luna and The Nightmare, then known as Nightmare Moon, being banished to the moon rather than cleansed of her curse.  The Elements became dormant and powerless, suffering from such improper use, where they would be reborn a thousand years later.  I’d tell you what happened then, but I think you’ve already seen that.~

~Woah, now we’re rewriting history.~

~Or rather, replacing the rewritten history with the truth.~

~C’mon, man.  How do you expect me to swallow all of this?~

~I expect you to make up your own mind, Firewall.  You’ve no reason to believe me more than you’ve any reason to believe anyone else.  However, you bring me questions, and I bring you answers.  Take them at your discretion.~

~Okay, what happened to the human?~

~He begged Celestia to send him home.  He wanted to get away from the Equestrians before his influence could harm them again.  Celestia did not have that power, so instead she promised him he could never harm them again and placed him in a deep sleep before hiding him away.~

~And why does nopony mention this?~

~Celestia took great measures to make certain the human was forgotten.  She constructed a powerful spell that wiped the minds of the Equestrians of his existence and rewrote it with the old mare’s tale in its place.  Such was her effort that she had to take time to ward herself against the spell due to the fact that she had never cast something so powerful before.  Not even Nightmare Moon was beyond its scope.  Beyond myself, Azure Flora, and Celestia, no other being on Equestria remembers the strange visitor.~

~Why would she go to such trouble?~

~Because the human was the cause of it all.  If he had not been there, they would have continued on leading their simple happy lives, disasters not withstanding.  So, she removed him from the equation before bothering to pick up the pieces of her broken kingdom.~

~But the ponies are better off now, right?  I mean, I’ve not heard of any of these great disasters.  From what I understand, the Sky Archons do a very good job of protecting the land from whatever the Equestrian Guard can’t handle.~

~Which is likely why she didn’t banish you from Equestria the moment you arrived.~

~Point taken... At least she acknowledges the silver lining.  So, if this is all true, why are there so many Sky Archons today if Winter Sky died back then?~

~That was her one tribute to Winter Sky.  Well, she also intended to do more for him by taking care of his wife and their child.  She had planned to make his line a noble one that would be in her care for as long as she lived.~

~You say that like she didn’t.~

~Azure Flora, having been beyond the touch of magic, did not forget the human nor the effects his esoteric touch had on Equestria.  It did not take her long to discover that no other pony in Equestria had any recollection of the human.  Celestia sought her out, wanting to take the wife and child of Winter Sky into her care.  She felt guilty, you see.~

~Sounds like Celestia.~

~Yes, well, when she sent for them to be retrieved, only the child was found in the care of a nearby friend.~

~What happened to Flora?~

~I am not sure.  Perhaps you should ask her yourself the next time you speak to her.~

~Yeah, right.  She hates my guts.~

~On the contrary.  Azure Flora is not a cruel pony and doesn’t have a hateful bone in her little body.  She was heartbroken, homeless, widowed, and suddenly unable to take solace in her gardening.  You’ve seen what happens to the Equestrians when they cannot pursue that special talent that brings them inner joy, no doubt.~

~Cutie Mark Failure Insanity Syndrome?~

~That... That is the most... sickeningly detached name I’ve ever heard for such an awful condition.~

~Woah.  Sorry.  Just picked it up through the fandom.  Didn’t mean to step on toes.  So Azure Flora’s just really beat down by everything that happened.  I mean, I can definitely understand why she has such a beef with my presence.  I wouldn’t wish such things to happen to my worst enemy.~

~She is simply... saddened.  And has been for a very long time.  She ran away from everything she knew, unable to withstand the heartache of such turmoil.  She gave the blind foal to a friend in the next town, begging her to give him the life that she could not.  But he got one better when Celestia took the child into her own care.  He was raised as the Blind Prince of Equestria who later lived up to his father’s legacy.  He became the second Sky Archon and began to scour the lands for like-minded ponies who would take up such a selfless cause.  Celestia further supported the Sky Archons by blessing them with everlasting life and granting Storm Wing a place at her council.~

~That explains why Storm Wing’s so freakin’ ancient and why he’s so... dedicated to her.  She’s his adoptive mother.~

~Indeed.  So, perhaps the story does not end so badly.  The folly of Winter Sky, Celestia, and the Human may have been a tragedy to start, but in the end... Equestria thrives like never before.~

~Until Nightmare Sol.~

~Ah yes.  Quite a problem, that.  Perhaps you should do something about it.~

~I’ve every intention.~

~Of course you do.  Just remember something, my friend.~  

~Oh, we’re friends now.  That makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside I think I might burst into flames.  So, this thing I’m supposed to remember is...?~

~The road to hell is paved with good intentions.~

~Hello, Preacher.  Call me “The Choir.”~

He cut contact, unsurprisingly.  I opened my eyes, stuck in a pensive state as I gently went about washing myself (Not going into detail.  Don’t want to get anypony all worked up all for nothing!).  After I felt I was decently cleansed, I jumped out of the tub and began to reach for a towel before stopping and getting an idea.  With but a thought, I began to heat up all over and within seconds, I was steaming all over.  I stepped out of the bathroom and laughed as I pretty much made a sauna of Rarity’s living room.  I quickly piped down, remembering the crusaders were still in their vegetative states.  I walked over and resisted the urge to squee down at them, settling for just a happy smile.

I decided to go outside and see what I could do to help all the hard working ponies outside.  It was pretty easy, actually.  All I had to do was locate Twilight who instantly decided my talents would be to take her new magic torches that lasted for several days at a time and go put them all over the town to help illuminate the area.  This may come as a shock, but Appleloosa isn’t exactly small.  So it actually took me a good hour or two to take care of that, and shortly after my stomach began to grumble.  I was craving some fried chicken.  This made me sad because I couldn’t exactly go slaughter a chicken and clean it in front of everypony before throwing it in a vat of boiling oil.  I’d horrify the shit out of them, no doubt.  So instead I hunted down Applejack and got directed to the food line that had once been the saloon I was in earlier.  Nothing really out of the ordinary going on, unless you count Soarin stuffing his face full of some apple pie.  I wanted to go say something to him, but really, I was having a good time just chilling out.  I scanned the crowd of ponies for any faces I recognized and was surprised at just how many names I knew.

Octavia was standing at a table quietly enjoying a cup of what I presumed was tea along with North Star, Lyra, and Bon Bon.  I spotted Pokey Pierce nursing his teeth with a toothpick next to Big Mac, the two of them looking completely bored out of their skulls.  I spotted Diamond Tiara timidly sticking next to Cheerilee, obviously intimidated by her unfamiliar surroundings.  Almost everypony I’d ever seen was here and plenty more that I had never seen before.  Overall, they all seemed a bit put out that everything had changed so dramatically but they all seemed to generally be at ease at least.

Except one.  Everypony was off in a group or with at least one other pony but this one pony.  I didn’t like the bastard, but I remembered what it was like being the guy that was on his own in a crowd and there was nothing enviable about it.  After groaning at what I was about to do, I grabbed a pair of pies and made my way to him.  He was sitting at a table in the corner, looking... not downtrodden, but certainly unhappy.  He didn’t catch sight of me until I sat down and set his pie down in front of him.

“Hey,” I smirked at Prince Blueblood, “Sorry about the kick earlier.”

“Oh.  You,” he wasn’t exactly excited to see me, and who could blame him?

“Good to see you too, champ,” I said with a chuckle, using my magic to tear a chunk out of my pie and directing it into my mouth, “Why you sitting alone?”

“Because I choose to!” he huffed arrogantly, looking away.

“Only you didn’t choose that at all,” I smirked at him, causing him to toss an irritable glance my way, “So, may I ask you something, big guy?”

“My name is Prince Blueblood and you can refer to me as such!” he snapped angrily, refusing to face me.

“Whatever.  Luna ordered me to call her by her name, and I’m fairly certain you don’t outrank her so if it’s good enough for her, it’s good enough for you,” I pointed out, snagging another bite of my pie, “Eat, you stuck up, jerk.  I brought you that pie because I give a damn, in case you couldn’t tell!”

“You... You what?” he seemed taken back by my words.

“I said I care, now eat your pie and let’s have some small talk,” I said between bites.

It took him a minute to register what I was saying.  He eventually looked down at the pie and cringed a bit, “But it’s a... peasant dish.”

“And you’re above eating that?” I gave him a bored look to let him know that I wasn’t impressed.

“Yes!” he proclaimed happily, as if I had suddenly seen everything the way it was.

“Yesterday I made biscuits and gravy.  More plain and cheap than that apple pie in front of you.  Guess what.  Luna ate them and was quite happy to do so.  So if Luna knows enough humility to be able to eat biscuits and gravy, then you can learn enough to choke down some lovingly made apple pie,” I rebuked his entire idea before clearing my throat and continuing, “Unless you’re trying to say you’re better than the current ruler of Equestria.”

I don’t know how his pale coat got any paler, but it did.  He downright blanched at the idea of such news going around.  With that, he magically cut himself a small square and floated it into his mouth.  I could have sworn I was asking him to drink poison, he grimaced so badly.  After a few seconds, he began to chew more quickly and seemed less distraught, but he still frowned.

“Not bad, eh?” I said with a smirk.

“I suppose it is... adequate... for a peasant’s dish,” he murmured, helping himself to a larger bite.

For a while we didn’t say anything.  Deep down, I really did feel sorry for him, despite his horseassery in the past.  He probably had been raised that way likely out of a backwater upbringing that his parents forced upon him, simply because of their status.  Whatever the case, kicking him in the face may have been in order once, but everyone deserves a chance after they get their comeuppance, and since he definitely got his, he was good to go in my book..  I was there to give it to him at high velocity!

He finally broke the silence with a cough, “So, Captain Storm Wing speaks highly of you.”

“Okay, now I know you’re full of it,” I chuckled through a bite of pie.

“I’m quite serious,” he crossed his legs indignantly and hmf’d at me.

“No kidding?” I smirked, tilting my head in slight surprise, “He’s a jerk, but... He’s a pretty solid pony to have at your back.”

“Which is why he wouldn’t arrest you when I saw you earlier today, refusing my order,” he seemed more surprised than upset.

“Well, no offense, Blue, but that’s a bunk order to start with.  I’ve done nothing wrong and I’ve done everything I can to help,” I tried to defend myself a bit, looking down somewhat, “Even though it wasn’t enough.”

“I saw you playing around out here with children.  Rolling about in the dirt and causing a great embarrassing scene,” he continued, now looking at me in a bit of confusion, “And rather than think of you as just some silly unicorn that never outgrew his childhood, everypony found you endearing and kind to spend time with the little ones.”

“Oh... Um.  Kids are cool,” I chuckled a tad, grimacing at how dumb I probably did look.

“And shortly after you kicked me in the face, you left and returned with dear Luna safe and sound, if a bit shaken,” he narrowed his eyes at me finally, “And here you sit before me, acting as though you were not the one to kick me in face just a few days ago.”

“Well, you did deserve it.  Unless you deserve another one, I don’t see any reason to kick you again,” I made my comment boring and nonchalant.

“And I’ve also heard that Luna is somewhat taken with you?” he pushed leaning over the table between us a tad, “Even though the event that changed her would have never happened if you had not come here.”

“Where’d you hear that?  Is this a public knowledge thing now?” I was pretty certain that that (grammatically correct double that!) had only happened a few days ago, “And where are you even going with this?”

“A pony named Grapevine is good at what she does,” he explained with a flip of his hoof, “And what I’m getting at is that you’ve caused problems, acted ridiculously, disregarded the natural order of authority, and yet you seem to blend with everypony seemlessly as though you were royalty.”

“What does royalty have to do with anything?” I asked, tilting my head in confusion, “Luna disregards formality and is quite silly as well.”

“I’m starting to realize that, too!” he started to droll in frustration, “It’s as though she cares nothing for her station and acting with propriety.”

“Blue, here, let me lay it out for you,” I said with a sigh, “Watch Luna and what she does.  Watch how she interacts with everypony, watch how she approaches a situation, and definitely take note of how she will likely put the common pony above herself.  Do you know why she would do that?”

“Not the slightest, I must admit.  As a royal member, she must dignify herself according to her role as a princess, don’t you think?” he asked, crossing his hooves again.

I made a motion and sound as though I were pressing a buzzer, “Wrong!  Let me drop a hint.  The best governments are the ones that serve the people.  A king that works to make the lives of his people better is the best king you could possibly have.  And I think Luna knows that.  And the sooner you figure out how to do that, the sooner you won’t have to worry about... oh... getting kicked in the face by a complete stranger?”

Blueblood stared at me as though I had stomped all over his precious little vision on the standard operating procedure of life.  His jaw was somewhat hanging and his eyes were staring right through me.

“Look,” I said with a chuckle, “I’ll put it this way.  Royalty is only as valuable to the people as he makes himself.  In the eyes of everypony, Rarity is more valuable to the people for helping to save Equestria from Nightmare Moon.  Maybe if you tried helping some ponies, you would actually be the prince you were meant to be.”

“You expec-...” he started to say, but I cut him off with a shake of my head.

“Just think about it, brony.  I’m going to go see about getting a drink and I’ll probably get distracted on the way.  Maybe I’ll go roll in the dirt or something.  You should give it a try sometime,” I said with a chuckle before finishing the last bite of my pie, “Take care, Prince Blueblood.”

“I... … Umm... Farewell... Fireball, was it?” he nodded, too preoccupied with his thoughts to even

wave at me.

“Close enough,” I said with a laugh before heading back up to the food line.  Applejack was behind the counter with a few family members from the apple family.  She called me over as soon as she saw me in line, but I declined, waiting for my turn.  Being stubborn and impatient, she hopped over the counter with a large mug of apple juice in her maw.  She nearly knocked a couple of ponies over as she made her way over, but she looked tired, probably having been working all day long.  I blinked as she approached but she held it out to me, silently asking me to take it.  I magick’d it out of her grasp and looked at it with curiosity.

“Thanks, AJ, but you didn’t have to bring it out to me,” I said with a modest chuckle, “I’m not opposed to waiting my turn.”

“That’s from th’princess, ya durned goof!” she explained with a grin, taking her hat off and batting me with it playfully with an overenthusiastic giggle, “She said you would like it.  A taste of home, she called it!”

“Oh god, she put roofies in it, didn’t she,” I stared at it in horror.

“Ya’ll drink that!  She made it jus’fer you!” Applejack ordered brazenly, a slight blush adoring her cute freckles.  It took me a moment to get it, but surely enough, when Applejack gave a slight hiccup, my eyes became as big as saucers.

“What?  Applejack... How many hooves am I holding up?” I held up one hoof.

“What!?  Well if’n ya stop movin’m I could tell ya!” she proclaimed before grabbing my one hoof to presumably hold it still, “Oh!  One!”

“Judas on a ho, you are drunk,” my mind was blown.  Super blown.  I didn’t have any mind left to blow away anymore.  I looked into the glass and gave it a taste, confirming my horrific suspicions.  Hard Apple Cider.

“What?  No, Ah’m Applejack!” she laughed before giving me a playful push, “Ya’ll need to learn how to remember a name, No-Name... Err... Firewall.”

“You’re Appledrunk is what you are.  Take me to Luna,” I demanded softly before having to give her a push of my head to get her moving.

“Wo-ho there, loverboy.  Ah’m more of a lady than that, y’see,” she sputtered out a giggle before moving along on her own.

“So am I,” I said with a grin, “Now take me to the Princess already.”

“Alright, alright,” she replied with a grin, “To the princess we’re a’goin’.”

As I drank, Applejack haphazardly led me through the crowd and out the back to the Town Square (This must be where they square dance.  BADA FREAKIN DUM PSHHH~!) where Luna and Cookie were stacking up large barrels.  By the time I made my way to her, I had drained my mug and sighed in exasperation (Well, it wasn’t like I was going to let it go to waste!).  They had been working around a large fire and while Luna mostly focused upon casting spells and moving the barrels, Cookie was hard at work pouring and serving mugs to everypony that approached the table he was at.

“Firewall!” she exclaimed happily, spotting me just in time, “Did you like your present?”

“Luna, what is this?” I pointed at Applejack.

“Ah’m Applejack,” Applejack looked confused, giving me a suspicious stare, “Ya’ll uh... … Ya’ll ain’t very good with them names.... are ya?”

“Correct, you are Applejack,” she smiled brightly at AJ before looking at me, “That’s Applejack, Firewall.  I’m glad you two have met~!”

“No, this is Appledrunk,” I refuted them both.

“Appledrunk!” Luna gave a laugh, “I like it!  Lemme try one... Oh!  Rainbow Smashed!”

Despite myself, I busted out into laughter.  Then came another Lafter vs. Stoic moment.  Stoic was pretty damn sure that getting ponies drunk during such dire times was a bad idea.  A very bad idea.  Lafter, on the other hand, liked him some drinking and silly phonetic play.

“Raritipsy?” I said before shaking it off and putting my serious face on, “This can’t be a good time for this, you know.”

“Why not?” she asked with a happy smile on her face.

“What if Nightmare Sol attacks?” I asked with a suspicious look, “Duh?”

“With the moon up?  Hah!  She’s not so stupid.  Trust me, I’m not going to be drinking, so I’ll be able to watch over the town,” she insisted with a nod, “So have fun.  Here!”

She took my mug and filled it back up from a nearby tapped barrel.

“If I had any reason to doubt, I wouldn’t do this, Firewall,” she handed it back to me with a smile, “Trust me.”

“Fair enough,” I said with a nod before letting my mind wander to ponies that could use a drink.  I instantly thought of Starlight and began to wonder where I could find her before getting distracted by Luna’s poke.

“What’s on your mind?” she asked.  Apparently, my face was reflecting my thoughts.

“Nothing, really.  You know, I wouldn’t think alcoholic beverages existed in Equestria,” I said with a hesitant laugh, taking my mug and taking a swig, “Not that I’m complaining.”

“They don’t,” she said with a proud smirk, “I just searched the chemical composition of Hard Apple Cider and figured we could all use something to take the edge off.”

“So they do exist.  And you are now more OP than Twilight,” I said with a laugh, smiling as the relaxing sensation of alcohol set down into my shoulders and began to spread.

“They do now, I suppose,” she gave a wing shrug, still smirking, “And thanks, I guess?”

Our conversation was interrupted by a crash.  Specifically Storm Wing’s crash.  He had landed right in front of us and I looked up to see Rainbow Dash pointing down at him, laughing hysterically.  Storm Wing got back up and I was shocked to see a telltale blush upon his face.

“This apple juice tastes funny,” he murmured before reaching out to grab my mug, which I held away from him.  He grabbed at the same spot a few times before blinking in confusion, “Wait... I can’t sense anything anymore!  I’m blind!”

“Holy crap, Storm, how many have you had!?” I laughed as I handed him a new mug, which shut him the hell up.  So instead I directed a question to Luna, “And how many did you make?!”

“Well, there are a lot of ponies here and I didn’t want anypony to feel left out,” she motioned to the entire stack of barrels behind us.

That... was a lot of hooch.

“What part of ‘let us get the entire town smashed’ sounded like a good idea to you!?” I exclaimed, half laughing, half serious.

“The part where Captain Storm Wing finally lets his hair down?” she pointed to the Archon as he got back up and shook his head a bit.

“Granted, that does sound like a good idea, but still,” I gave a chuckle, holding out a hoof to steady the poor idiot as he nearly fell back down, “You play a dangerous game, Luna.  A very, very dangerous game.”

“You like it,” she winked at me slyly, causing me to blush a bit, I’m sure.

“Maybe a little,” I countered with a smile, winking back.

“Firewall,” Storm Wing mumured, leaning on me a bit.

“If you say,  ‘I love you, man’ I’m going to drop you and leave you here,” I warned him with a poke.

“No... What?  What?  No, nothing like that.  I... I need help getting... out of this armor,” he said with an enthusiastic nod, “Please?”

“Yeah sure,” I looked up at the still cackling Rainbow Dash, “Hey!  Dashy!”

“Hey Firewall!” she called back, doing a lazily slow loop.

“Rainbow Ponies are the best ponies!” I called out to her.

“I know, right!” she laughed as she descended, “So what’s up?”

“Can you find Starlight for me?  She needs to have one of these,” I pointed to the mugs on the table that Cookie was working at, “Maybe a couple, even.  Could you get her some?  She’s probably feeling a little down.  Very down, actually.  Promise me, okay?  She just lost somepony close to her.”

“Oh... Well, yeah!  That, I can do!” Dash’s enthusiasm was only outdistanced by her seriousness on the matter.  She gave a salute and blazed away, leaving her signature rainbow trail behind her as she flew.  (HOW DO YOU DO THAT WITH NO SUNLIGHT?!  EQUESTRIA Y U NO LIKE PHYSICS?)

“Thanks, champ.  C’mon, Storm.  Go stand over there by that fire and I’ll get us a few more drinks,” I gave him a shove and he nearly fell on his face before complying.  As he planted himself on the log, I turned to Luna, “I need lots of water and normal appl-...”

She floated a pair of kegs over near the fire and nodded, “Done.”

“You’re awesome,” I gave her a hug and trotted over to Storm Wing.

Luckily, getting armor off and on isn’t really that difficult and mixing watered down apple juice did fool Storm Wing into thinking he was still getting drunk.  As the time passed, we didn’t really talk much.  He just sat there, quiet with the exception of the occasional pointer.  He gave a nod as I finally got off the helmet (that was actually rather complicated) and murmured his gratitude.

“No problem,” I took a swig of real cider and handed him another fake one, sitting myself on the log beside him, “So... You’re pretty quiet all of a sudden.”

“I know... I’m just... s... a little scared is all,” he murmured through his drunken haze.

“The Mighty Storm Wing?  Scared?” I gave a laugh, pointing at him as he knocked back his virgin drink, “No way, you’re the greatest Sky Archon ever!”

“Couldn’t protect her,” he shook his head emphatically.

“Whatever, Storm.  It wasn’t our fault.  We got outplayed so we’re going to have to step up our game and give it right back,” I shook my head and sighed, “Just let it go.”

“Yeah... Yeah, you’re right.  Hate it when you’re right,” he chuckled softly.

“You’re a big boy, you can handle it,” I countered before staring up at the beautiful night sky, “Stars are lovely today.”

“I wouldn’t know,” he laid down next to the fire and sighed, “Never seen’m.”

I grimaced a tad before shaking my head with a snicker, “Sorry, mate.  Small price to pay for being as awesome as you are.”

“I’ll trade you,” he uttered softly, catching me off guard.  I looked over at his helmet and felt a pang deep inside my chest, understanding somewhat.  No amount of power or authority was ever going to make up for being unable to see.  I watched Luna stack the last of the barrels up, having changed them all over finally and began to wonder if it bothered her that her beautiful sky couldn’t be appreciated by a certain pony.

“Sorry, mate,” I offered, my buzz a little killed.

“Don’t be,” he sighed softly as Luna started to head our way, “The princess is coming.”

“I see her,” I answered.

“She likes you,” he decided to point out just in case I was a complete idiot.

“I know,” I replied softly as she neared.

“You don’t sound happy about that,” he lifted his head to look my way.

“I’m torn on the subject,” I explained, my voice even lower as she arrived.  I raised my volume considerably as she got within reasonable distance, “Hey Luna.”

“Good.  That means you’re not stupid,” he sighed as he looked back at her (yes, I know he wasn’t technically ‘looking’ per say.  Shush.), “Hello P... Luna.”

“Hello gentlecolts, what’cha talking about?” she smiled happily at us.

“Storm Wing can’t see stars,” I said the first thing that came to mind, “I was mocking him for his disability.”

“That’s quite mean, Firewall,” she said with a disapproving glare before looking down at Firewall, “Storm Wing, would you like to see the stars?”

He blinked, somewhat caught off guard, “What?”

“Answer the question.  Would you like to see the stars?” she said simply, “I’ll try to fashion you a spell to allow you to see somehow if you like.  I didn’t think you cared.”

Storm Wing blinked a few times before setting his head down, shaking it softly, “No, thank you.  I appreciate the offer, I really do.  But I would rather not.  It’s hard to explain, but I think it’s best that I not be given something that I would only miss later.”

Luna was a bit shocked at his response, but nodded with a sad sigh, “Very well, Storm Wing.  If you ever change your mind.”

“You’ll know.  I’ll probably come running to you like a little school filly,” he said with a chuckle.  Most of his slurring had dissipated by this point, the alcohol having been a bit diluted by the water and juice.

“That’ll be the day.  Be sure to keep a camera on you,” I suggested.  

Chapter 8                                                                                Chapter 10

Parting Notes:  Almost 16k words, bronies.  X.x  I’m taking a break for the next few days to let the creative juices build back up.  Don’t worry, there will be more to come. :3  It’ll just be a bit later than usual.  No sneak peak this time!  >:3  You got an extra long chapter, so be happeh! <3

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Ten: What’s That Chapter?  Kill Them All?  GOOD IDEA!

Go Go Author Page!  Form Blazing Commentary!  BWOOOOONG~!

So let’s start with last chapter and the copious amount of errors you’ve no doubt spotted.  It goes like this:  I posted the chapter for the proofies and sent it to Sethisto for posting in the queue.  I figured we had plenty of time since it usually takes a thirty-six hours or more for it to appear on EQD~!  Imagine my surprise when it posted less than two hours later, courtesy of Sethisto’s kindness.  Maybe he reads this fic or just had a spontaneous moment to throw it up there.  Who knows, right?  Anyway~!  It was a mad scramble to get it edited and posted.  Surely enough, we powerhoused through it and got that shite done in record time.

Then tragedy struck.  Google Docs was having technical issues and started reverting to earlier saves... Saves that were sans editing.  >.<  It hurt right there in my soul.  So I edited it again.  And again.  And again.  And even still, it reverted to a save not too long ago where it was in the middle of editing.  WierdPlatformer (no typo) suggested that I take it down long enough to get it to stick, but I love my readers more than I love formality, thus I left it up there and took the embarrassment.  :( :( :(

Onto more bad news!  Comcast sucks.  Badly.  While their service was extremely reliable in the Internet department (not so much for cable), we were given a bottom line on our bill which was roughly half of what we were actually getting charged.  We dropped them.  Unfortunately, I was in the middle of this chapter when we lost our connection, so I’ve literally been staying after work for hours on end to finish this bad boy up for you guys.  Because I love you, remember? :D  However, the boss says that’s no bueno and that I need to go home.  Not because he’s a jerk, but he does after hours work from our main station and can’t do so with me hogging it up to write pony stuffies.  :3  So until internet comes back, I’m going to be stuck unable to write for a bit, which is okay for me because I just uploaded 20,000 words in a single chapter.  I need time to recuperate!  Badly! XD

Less bad news!  Ragnarok222 and Bugsydor have set up a DeviantArt page for all the fan art!  http://firewall-club.deviantart.com/  That’s not bad news at all!  That’s awesome news!  :D Yeehaw~!  That’s the way t’do it!  You guys are welcome to upload anything you like fic related, ask whatever questions you want, and comment on anything and everything!  Just submit yourself for an invite and you’re in!

Even more awesome news!!! Bugsydor, Waffle911, Maenarion, and many more have set up a TVTropes page that is editable by anypony that wants to take part. :D Link Is Here!  This stuff excites me!  It makes me happy that there’s a small community building within a community!  Maybe we’ll be a small country within a great empire and go attack the Prussians or something! Waaauuugh!

Oh!  FimFlam released episode 10 of Mentally Advanced!  :D  I love that parody series, it’s frigg’n amazing!  This episode was such a great one, too!  When Twilight made Applebloom cry and she started realizing she was turning into Trollestia, I couldn’t stop laughing.  Props to that guy for his hard work to make a more snarky/mature themed MLP.  *RBD Salute*

Let’s see, what else is shaking?  That’s all?  Hmmm... Oh well, I’ve run out of nonsense to feed you.

THEN IN THAT CASE, HAVE SOME EPIC FAN ART!  All of these images can be found at deviant art!  So if you like them, show the artists some love and comment on their stuff, alright? :D  Today’s art is brought to you by  IceStormBoarder, Wrek, and Sir Cinnamon!

BOOOOOYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! Over 100,000 words!  How is that not mindblowing!?

This will make sense soon enough.

AZURE FLORA!  Y U SO ADORABLE?!

Nightmare Moon wishes she was this awesome.  Because she isn’t.

Holy hell, there’s a nyancat back there!

Ice Pony is so scarey... At least he’s protective of the prettiest pony ever! :3

So, you probably know the routine pretty well by this point.  The routine being what I do when I wake up.  I mean, it was never listed out before, but generally the first ten minutes of every day consist of this:

Step One: Yawn and stretch all over.

Step Two:  Pull out a cigarette and light up.

Step Three:  ????? Find food while/after burninating the cigarette.

Step Four:  Profit.

That’s pretty straightforward, isn’t it?  You know what that doesn’t involve?  That doesn’t involve preceding steps.  Meaning I’m supposed to get up... when I want to.  But noooo~!  That’s not good enough for ponies.  Do you know why that’s not good enough for ponies?  ME NEITHER!

“AH SAID WAKE UP!” Applejack hollered, ringing the world’s largest triangle next to my head.

I lazily opened an eye before rolling over and smacking my dry lips a few times.  She’d been at it for a while.  It was like she took it as a personal challenge to wake me up, but it just wasn’t happening though.  I was enjoying my sleep on this incredibly comfortable log just on the edge of the apple orchard and I had no plans to change this winning strategy.  I don’t know why I was suddenly opposed to sleeping indoors, but being a pony had certainly changed my perspective on where you went to have a good time (it was rarely inside unless there was a party involved, by the way).

“Ugh,” she sighed.  I heard her drop the triangle as she groaned in frustration, “Firewall, I’ve got the biggest headache ever and ya ain’t makin’ it any easier on me.  Now tell me how to git rid’a it!”

“Mmm?” I actually lifted my head in slight confusion, “Mmmhoo told you I’d be able to help with a headache?”

“Luna did!”

Of course she did.

“That little... Ugh, whatever.  S’called a hangover,” I murmured to her, cursing that indigo alicorn for spoiling a good rest with her trollery.  

“Beg yer pardon?” she asked me as I rolled back over lazily.

“You drank too much cider last night.  The stuff that made you act so silly,” I yawned again, wiping at my eyes with a smirk, “And now you’re experiencing the magic of hangovers.  S’like the magic of friendship, only less subtle and more painful.”

“I don’t rightly care what it’s called, sugarcube!  Oh mah stars,” she gasped, rubbing her head in frustration, “How d’ya make it stop?”

I blinked and sighed before rolling off the log that I had spent the night on.  I hit the ground gracefully (meaning like a rock) before yawning one last time and getting to my feet.  Hooves.  Whatever.

“AJ, I just want you to know, I’m showing lots of love by actually getting up to help you,” I mumbled sleepily before initiating Step Two: Pull out a cigarette.

“All Ah had to do was ask nicely?” she groaned, shaking her head before instantly regretting that, “Ah rang that dumb triangle fer nothin’?”

“Affirmative.” I lit that puppy up before initiating Step Three. “Okay, basically, we gotta get some greasy food.  Unfortunately, we don’t have a McDonald’s in Appleloosa, so we’re going to have to go to the expert.  Because I really don’t feel like cooking.”

“Have a what now?” she looked at me in confusion.

In my tired haze, I almost said ‘a restaurant that kills and serves chickens, pigs, and cows as food.’  Thankfully, I didn’t let that slip and instead just shook my head.

“Nothing.” I yawned one last time before getting to my feet. “Let’s just go see a pony that can do something about it.”

Five minutes later~

“Cookie!” I cried out, causing Applejack to wince, “Oh... Sorry.”

“S’alright there, darlin’.” She strained to smile at me.

We were back in that food line that had once been the saloon/bar-thingy.  Fortunately, only a few ponies seemed to have overindulged during the night (or day, I really wasn’t able to track time anymore thanks to the never ending night (Looks like Nightmare Moon finally got her wish!) and NOT HAVING MY CELL PHONE).  Cookie was hard at work, feeding what few ponies were in the line before us with an assortment of salads, baked goods, and the occasional bowl of candied carrots.  As always, he was too busy to be bothered and merely waved at us, not even looking our way.

“AJ, use your feminine wiles on him,” I ordered jokingly as the ponies slowly moved along.

“Ah’m sorry, we’ve not met.  Ah’m Applejack.  Not Rarity.  Ah’m not about to shake my tail just’a get a special order,” she griped under her breath.

“Man, you’re mean with your hangover gremlins,” I pointed out, a little surprised at her edgy response. “That was pretty harsh.”

She instantly looked as though she’d just cashed a reality check and was downcast with regret.

“That was an awful thing ta say,” she murmured softly, “Rarity didn’t deserve that a’tall.”

“I should hardly think not.” Rarity surprised us both by stepping alongside Applejack and frowning a tad, “I admit, I’m still in shock from such cruel words, Applejack.”

“Rarity!  Ah... Ah didn’t mean it, I s-swear!” Applejack shook her head, regretting that action upon holding a hoof to her head, “Ahhh~...”

Rarity looked to me for an explanation, somewhat nonplussed.

“She’s a little ill from too much partying last night,” I supplied truthfully enough, “and it’s put her in a bad mood.”

“Ah promise, Ah’m just cranky, Rarity,” Applejack risked opening an eye, still looking downtrodden, “Forgive me?”

“Nopony is perfect all the time, there’s nothing to forgive amongst friends,” Rarity said with a smile, now a bit more understanding of the situation.  She even gave AJ a friendly nuzzle before looking over to Cookie, “Now, it seems you need something particular supplied by our tireless chef here?”

Okay, Rarity was seriously trying to push Rainbow Dash out of first place in my book.  I mean, I’m a really forgiving person, and I’ve been on the receiving end of close personal friends throwing me under the bus behind my back, so I can attest:  It’s harder than it looks to simply let it go so quickly.

“Yeah, the quickest way, in my experience, to get rid of what AJ’s got is to eat a lot of greasy food.  Don’t ask how, I don’t know why, it was a trade secret passed down by a friend who does a lot of partying.” I really did have no clue as to how it worked.  It might have magical properties for all I knew. “So we were going to beseech our good friend Cookie and beg for special treatment.”

“Well, shall I ‘wave my tail’ and see what I can get done?” Rarity winked at Applejack, who in turn blushed shamefully.

“Applejack, I think you just got burned,” I chuckled, nudging her shoulder, “and I consider myself an expert on burning.”

Within a few more moments, we approached the food line and nodded at the yellow and white pony working furiously to fill orders AND cook.  The dude had earned his place as the royal chef, it seemed.  You don’t often see an Earth Pony with such talent, due to the fact that their magic was limited in certain areas, but Cookie definitely had it.

“Hello, Firewall,” he said with a tired nod, “What can I get you?”

“Hey, Cookie, you alright?  C’mon, girls, let’s step to the side while he serves other ponies.” I pulled them along, letting the line continue.

“I’m pretty tired.” He shrugged, letting us know he was still, more or less, good to go.

“You need a break?” I was rather concerned.  I didn’t know Cookie that well, but he came off to me as a workaholic kinda pony and would sooner pass out than let a job go unfinished.

“Not at all.” He shook his head, declining my offer to help. “I only just started, after all.”

“Yeah, but you’ve been wor-...” I started to contest his claim before getting an interrupting poke from Rarity’s horn.

“Ahem.” She gave a suggestive cough, reminding me that we were on a mission.

“Oh, right.  Hey, Cookie, we need a special order for Applejack.” I put on a pleading pout-face.

Cookie did not look pleased by this concept, but he did not immediately voice an objection.  After a few moments, he sighed and ran a hoof through his stark white mane.

“I’m rather busy, so if it’s not important,” he said, making sure to clarify from the start that he wasn’t going to be indulging anypony who didn’t care for what was on the menu.

“Oh, heavens, good sir, nothing along the lines of the whimsical.” Rarity butted in, smiling her blue-ribbon smile. “You see, my friend here is very ill, and she needs to eat a certain kind of food.”

“And sooner rather than later,” Applejack whined with a scowl, “Ah’m not sure just how much more’a this a pony can take.”

“Not to mention it’s likely more ponies are going to be showing up feeling likewise, so this may help make your day easier in the long run?” I suggested whilst smiling helplessly.

“Let’s hear it already,” Cookie served a plateful of candied carrots to the next pony in line before looking to us with a smirk, “And if it’s for the health of some lovely mare, I think I can help.”

Cookie Da Playah~!  Applejack blushed before pulling her hat down a bit, smiling a tad despite her unenviable situation.  We broke it down for him, and while he was skeptical at first, he took me at my word and surprised us with an awesome funnel cake of great proportions.  AJ dug in lazily as Rarity and I chowed down on some candied carrots (which were like candied yams, only superior in every sense of the word!  Cookie can cook for me any day he wants to.  No more of this “I’m independent, I wanna do it myself~!” nonsense.).  She was very disappointed when it didn’t work immediately, but after about fifteen minutes of complaining, she was definitely perking up.

“So, AJ, Cookie dropped a line on you,” I reminded her with a wink, “Whaddya think, Rare, he doesn’t look too bad.  Maybe I need a lady’s eye to make a better assumption.”

“Which I can happily supply.” We were both enjoying Applejack’s silent blush.  Rarity looked his way with a speculative expression. “Hmmm.  Well, one must take into account all the subtle details.  Such as how well kept his mane is.”

I gave her a look of askance, not entirely following her line of thinking.

“It ain’t all about looks, Rarity,” AJ pointed out, a little displeased with her supposed line of thinking, “Colts kin look just fine and still be... less than desirable.  Not that... Aww... Shoot.”

Apparently, Cookie looks 'just fine' in Applejack's book.

“Oh, Applejack, there’s so much one can learn about a pony by just watching.  Subtle details, darling, just look at him,” she pressed with a knowing smile, “Really, look at his mane and tell me what you see.”

I looked for a bit myself.  His white mane was actually surprisingly well kept for a chef.  It was long like Twilight’s but not frazzled or matted with sweat in the least.

“Looks fine enough, Ah suppose,”  Applejack responded with a raised eyebrow.

“Indeed, but it is clean.  Very clean.  Note also his expression.   How he’s not glaring intensely, but is simply without expression at all,” Rarity further pursued, “Not to mention how he’s not covered in grime or grease.”

“Ah see whatcha mean, but Ah’m not sure where we’re gettin’ at with this,” Applejack began to scrutinize him a bit more intently.

“Just from that, you can tell that he’s exceptionally skilled and dedicated to his trade,” Rarity said with a self-appreciating nod, “and that he has a token amount of appreciation for his appearance.  He’s confident, capable, and enduring, you see.  Anypony that isn’t so skilled would be sweating in a hot kitchen with their hair pulled back and their eyes scowling in a fierce determination, but Cookie doesn’t seem to be exhibiting any such difficulties in the least, other than a bit of fatigue from working so long.  Almost reminds me of you, Applejack.”

Applejack continued to blush as she contemplated how she would respond to the subject.  She did try to speak a few times, but she only managed to stutter out a few words before blushing even more.  She actually began to frown, obviously not comfortable with our treatment.

“You turn any redder, AJ, and Red Delicious is going to have to think up a new name,” I said with a chuckle before batting at her hat to get her attention, “Hey, don’t sweat it.  It ain’t like we’re asking you to go over and see if he’s single.  Relax.  You feeling any better, at least?”

“Startin’ t’get that way,” she murmured, smiling appreciatively, “Mah head don’t hurt at least.  Just’a little queasy.”

“Probably just from so much funnel cake,” I nodded before getting up, “Alright, gals, I’ll leave you two to analyze Cookie s’more.  Gotta see if Twilight kin use my help before attempting to go back t’sleep.”

I inwardly winced at how quickly I picked my southern accent back up.  Growing up in Florida has that effect on you.  It has every kind of accent you could imagine and growing up there simply teaches you how to quickly pick them up.  It sounds two-faced, to be sure, but really it’s more along the lines of just respecting a person enough to identify with them.  That’s how I always viewed it, anyway.

With a tummy full of candied carrots, I left the saloon/food bar thing and began to look around for Twilight.  Looking down the street back towards the Town Square (Where they square dance), I spotted her and Luna on a soap box along with a crowd of ponies that surrounded them.  It wasn’t just a handful asking what job they needed to handle next, it was much more.  Almost a hundred of them, and I was probably low-balling that.  I made my way over to the herd and watched with confusion as they all scampered off the street and out in front of shops.  At first, I thought I had caused all the commotion, but as they dispersed, I noticed Storm Wing (sans armor!) and Rainbow Dash standing beside one another, looking up to Twilight and Luna.  There were tons of hushed whispers that I couldn’t make out, so I decided to try my usual approach.

“Hey.  Whaz everyponeh doin’?” I called out loudly, interrupting likely every train of thought within earshot.

“Hey, Firewall,” Luna smiled upon seeing me approach, “We’re going to have a race.”

“Seems Rainbow Dash can’t keep her big mouth shut.” Twilight further clarified with an amused roll of her eyes.

“Oh, I’m sure Captain Jackpony here didn’t do anything to provoke her,” I walked up and smiled at the two pegasi, “Seriously, though, both of you have the elephant sized egos and a lot of speed to back it up.  Keep in mind, you just might hurt the other pony’s feelings if you win.”

“I’m so okay with that.” Dash snorted challengingly.

“I hope she cries,” Storm Wing said as he failed to resist the urge to smirk.

“Oh, we’ll see who cries." Dash winked.

“I’ve not cried in over nine hundred years,” Storm pointed out with a laugh, “If you do win, which you won’t, I’ll just have to see about making space in the Archons for you.”

I shuddered at the idea.  Rainbow Dash, the Sky Archon.  Loud, brash, and fast as hell was bad enough without teaching it how to channel lightning or throw tornadoes about.

“Hah!  Maybe if you fly half as good as the Wonderbolts!” she countered brazenly.

That’s when I noticed Storm Wing’s Cutie Mark.  It WAS a Wonderbolts’ insignia.  See, I had seen a few of the Wonderbolts here and there outside of their suits.  They have their own cutie marks.  I didn’t want to point this out and psyche out Dash in the process, so I simply sat on that knowledge and stepped aside.  Twilight drew a starting line in the dirt for them as they braced down for takeoff.  Rainbow Dash flapped her wings, smirking proudly as she let a sort of rainbow haze trail off and sparkle fancifully as it faded.  Storm Wing, not able to see the details of her trick but able to sense the magic, pawed at the ground a bit before looking Dash’s way.  His mane and tail fanning out as he slowly charged the air about him.  With a final stomp, the electricity sparked around him brightly, crackling loudly as the audience responded with your typical sounds of awe.  Oooo~  Ahhhh~... Whatever.  Screw Captain Storm Wing for showing up Dashy in the showpony round.

“Just wait.  Any second now they’re going to throw themselves at each other,” Twilight said with an exasperated sigh.

Luna let out a laugh, thoroughly enjoying the competitive air, “Question is, will it be to kiss each other or kill each other?”

“I’m not sure and I’m not sure I want to know,” Twilight answered, which rather perfectly reflected my feelings on the matter.

“So, what’s with the crowd?  It’s not like we can watch them fly around in the dead of night, right?” I asked the two of them.

“New spell time!” Luna explained, her visage revealing her enthusiasm, “Are you ready?”

“My body is so ready!” I replied with a big smile, “Are we going to get Pay-Per-View?”

“Not sure what that is, but apparently this is another trick inspired by Luna’s... otherworldly influences,” Twilight said with a one-legged shrug, “So here goes.”

As Twilight began to cast her spell at Rainbow Dash, Luna did likewise at Storm Wing.  The two ponies began to glow their respective fur coat colors, white and blue.

“Okay, that’s a step-up.” I nodded, “But what’s that got to do with human culture?”

Then they cast a spell together that created a large glass ball in the air that hovered over Town Square.  It was roughly about the size of one of those screens in a sports stadium.  Looking back now, after everything that had happened, it didn’t impress me very much in all actuality.  I mean, yeah, I was definitely surprised, but you’d be shocked to discover how quickly one becomes numb to the surprises of magic.

“TV?” I gaped, my eyes widening as the glass ball displayed an exact replica of Rainbow Dash and Storm Wing at the starting line.

“TV,” Luna confirmed with a proud smile.

“This is how you... observed us, Firewall?” Twilight stared at the ball skeptically. “Seems highly impractical.”

“Well, the ones on Earth were generally rectangular and could get as small as a hoof or as big as a house,” I clarified a bit, “But that’s the general i-...”

“Today, please!” Rainbow Dash called out, her glaring smile letting us know that she was eager to get this race on the road.  (Or Sky, whatever.)

“Oh, hold your horses!” Twilight called back, shaking her head with a sigh, “Let’s get this over with, everypony.  ON YOUR MARK!”

They braced themselves down at the line once more.

“GET SET!” Twilight cried enthusiastically.

“This is gonna be good,” I murmured softly.

“GO!”

And they were off!  To my shame, I blinked and missed it.  Not the entire race, but their take off.  I quickly looked at the globe and watched in awe as the two ponies soared like rockets with their own personal sets of afterburners.  The ‘track’ was actually a set of waypoints that had to be flown through all around town.  There were roughly two dozen of them and they were arranged in an erratic order that forced a few loops, hair pins, and two long straightaways.

“The race is ON, everypony!” I heard Pinkie Pie squeal above the crowd, sitting on top of one of the house’s second story balcony with a megaphone. “It’s Rainbow Dash in the lead around the first curve!  Obviously, she has as leg up on maneuverability, but it seems Stormy is able to gain lost ground in the straightaways!”

Pinkie was right.  I was constantly looking back and forth between the globe and the pair of lights burning up the sky, and while Storm Wing was gaining a lot of ground during any point in which he wasn’t turning, the first hairpin had definitely slowed him down.  As he started to catch up, though, Dash put herself in front of him and kept herself there, able to turn more quickly than he was.

“Dashy’s not giving it up easy!  She’s making it hard to get around, but... OH!  That’ll teach HER not to underestimate the competition!” Pinkie was bouncing emphatically, looking as though she were about to explode from excitement.  Storm Wing’s counter to Rainbow’s block-out was to bite her tail and literally yank her behind him, causing her to lose the lion’s share of her speed and putting her at a disadvantage.

“Not very fair,” I grumped aloud.

“Oh, and blocking Storm Wing is?” Luna countered, “She’s trying to beat a pegasus that’s been flying dangerously for a thousand years.  She doesn’t stand a chance, talent or not.”

Then it became clear.  Luna and I were NOT friends for the duration of this race.  I looked at her and smirked daringly, to which she responded with a sneer of her own.

“If Dashy wins, I get to tape a trollface over your Cutie Mark for an entire day,” I confronted her confidence in Storm Wing.

“If Storm Wing wins, you have to dye your mane pink and let Rarity braid it.” She took my bet with a smile.  An all too confident smile.  As though she knew who would win already.

“No interference or the game is void!” I didn’t trust her as far as I could throw her!

“You’re no fun.” Her bottom lip poked out.  I shouldn’t have been surprised that she had actually planned to cheat.

“Hush, Woman, I’m watching the game!” I cried, looking back at the globe, “C’MON, DASHY!  DADDY DOESN’T NEED A NEW DYE JOB!”

“You guys are so weird,” Twilight chuckled as she stared into the globe.

As the racers came to their first loop, Storm Wing actually twisted his turn to just barely pass through all the way points while losing as little speed as possible.  I grimaced a tad but was happy to see that Dash took the inside of the loop at nearly the same speed, gaining quite a bit of distance in the process.  They then turned up into the sky as they raced for the highest waypoint, which was definitely the longer of the two straightaways.  To my dismay, I watched Rainbow Dash fall further behind as Storm Wing proved the more apt in top speed.

“Oh my gosh, Rainbow’s falling so far behind!” Pinkie gasped as she waved the Megaphone at the globe angrily, “DON’T LET HIM BEAT YOU, DASHY!  SHOW’M YER STUFF!”

“Rainbow Dash, you can do it,” Fluttershy timidly waved at the globe, trying to cheer her friend on with the softest voice possible.

Storm Wing passed the sky-high waypoint and took an even greater lead by lightning striking down to the ground in almost an instant.  I didn’t need to look at the globe to see the tumultuous explosion he had created upon impact, which put him very close to the next waypoint.  As the globe moved back to Rainbow Dash, it became clear that she was smirking confidently still yet.  She passed through the sky-high and began a very familiar dive, which immediately sent Fluttershy into a furiously excited cheer.  Yes, everypony, it was obviously meant to be.  She picked up speed as the Mach cone appeared around her, and before she was even halfway through the straightaway, the Sonic Rainboom erupted, illuminating the night sky as Dash became a beam of light.

“DASH’S SIGNATURE MOVE!  THE SONIC RAINBOOM!” Pinkie was doing a fine emulation of Fluttershy’s leaping and screaming.

“YEEEAAAH-YUH, IT’S ON NOW!”  I hollered energetically, glancing over to see Luna bite her lip worriedly.

Rainbow Dash was picking up both speed and ground on Storm Wing.  Storm glanced over his shoulder as she neared and he kicked it into overdrive, narrowing the difference in speed by quite a margin.  The effect was compounded by the fact that Rainbow Dash could not fly directly behind Storm Wing now, due to the fact that he was trailing a line of vicious lightning.  Due to this fact, Storm Wing was forcing her to take the outside corners and able to just barely keep her from stealing the lead.  It was the final hairpin, though, where him and Dash traded places, for while he had to slow down to keep from flying off course, Dash snapped around the corner at an amazingly tight angle.

“RAINBOW DASH HAS TAKEN THE LEAD!” Pinkie Pie threw the megaphone into the sky, letting it bounce off some poor pony’s head before pulling out a second one and yelling into it just as fervently, “IS THIS THE END OF THE RACE?!”

“C’mon, Storm,” Luna groaned pitifully, “You can’t let some punk show you up.”

“Punks for the win, Luna,” I teased her happily as Rainbow Dash came around the next curve right over our heads.

As Dash and Storm came towards the final loop, Rainbow once again took the inside of the turn and was just about to exit the loop right as her opponent was entering it.  Being that this brought them rather close to each other, Storm Wing pulled a dirty trick again and turned her way, clapping his hooves together to create a loud and blinding thunderstrike.  Frustratingly enough, he got his desired effect and Dash was thrown off course, extremely disoriented by the flashbang.  With her Sonic Rainboom momentum gone, she was no longer assured victory, despite the fact that she had brought herself back onto course in good time.  As she came around the next turn, she found herself faced with the final straightaway and Storm Wing hot on her heels.

“Best break out the hair dye, Firewall,” Luna reminded me with a trollishly broad grin, “We both know he’s going to take the lead here.”

Predictably, Storm Wing began to overtake Dash.  She tried to muscle in front of him again and even bucked him in the face when he got too close, causing him to slow down before catching back up.  When she tried again, he dodged, grabbed hold of her tail and yanked.  My heart fell as I watched her slow down before the real clincher came into play.  She reacted rapidly by grabbing his mane after he released her (That’s why I don’t have long hair) and latched onto his back.  For several seconds, she rode him through the straightaway, even taking the time to show off by waving at all of us through the globe.

“Yeeeeeeeehaw!” I heard Applejack holler out, “That’s t’way ya do it, cowgirl!”

As they neared the final waypoint, Dash yanked hard on Storm Wing’s mane before reaching over to tilt one of his wings, forcing him to veer up and over the circle as she jumped off and flew backwards through the finish waypoint, holding her hooves behind her head with an easy going smirk.

“DASHY IS THE WINNER!”  Pinkie Pie screamed, throwing the second megaphone into the air as the crowd roared in glee.  Pranks and cheap tricks aside, they sure as hell put on a great show.

“I’m going to love taping that picture over your mark,” I taunted Luna with my best impression of the troll face.

“I bet you are,” she gave me an irritated smirk, “So, it was all a ploy to get your hooves on my flank, eh?”

“What!?” I was a tad shocked before narrowing my eyes and nodding enthusiastically, “Hells yeah.  I saw it all in a vision and knew I had to make it happen!  It was this one amazing moment where doves flew by and a heavenly white light was shining down upon your brand new trollface!  And I’m gonna take a picture of me coppin’ a feel so that I can remember this day and all its GLORY~!  And let’s not forget the final part to my master plan!”

“What’s that?” She rolled her eyes at me, amused, but still a tad bitter.

“LAUGH IN LUNA’S FACE ABOUT IT!” I shouted before hugging her neck and running away, “Later, Princess!”

“You’ll regret that!” she cried out at me as I continued to scamper away like a buffoon (to be clear, I am very much a buffoon.  Deal with it. *shades*).

“You’ll regret your face!” I yelled back at her, thinking of the most childish response I could come up with, “Especially the one you’ll wear on your flank!”

I started to make a beeline for Rainbow Dash as she landed, but she was surrounded by friends and fans already, thus making her difficult to get to.  Instead, I looked for Storm Wing, who was landing on the far side of town.  I decided to give my congratulations to Dashy later and began to make my way over to Storm Wing.  No, I wasn’t going to go rub it in his face.  Maybe just a smidge, but that’s to be expected.  If Luna had lost, I’d have put up a billboard or something, maybe would have resorted to hijacking a satellite to broadcast my glee.  I know, that sounds so mean, but chances at trolling Luna back were few and far between whereas I’m not but troll bait a la carte, apparently.

It took me a while to locate the jerk, but eventually I wound up spotting him drawing water out of a well.  I cantered up to him as he set a full bucket down, and he nudged a bowl in my direction as a salutation.

“Sup, chief!” I picked up my bowl with a bit of magic and scooped some water out before taking a big gulp.  It was colder than I expected, that was for sure, which made me even happier to drink it.

“Hello, Firewall,” he responded in kind, taking his bowl in mouth and scooping his own portion out.

Rather than dive right into it, we spent the next several minutes emptying that bucket of water.  I couldn’t tell if he was bitter or just contemplative, but one thing was for certain, he seemed to be very thirsty.  I considered telling him about Azure Flora, but I didn’t know how to approach that.  Nothing had changed within the past half hour that made me suddenly believe The Observer about Celestia, thus I held the story about Storm Wing’s heritage in similar suspicion.  So instead, I settled for finding out what he already knew.

“Hey, Storm Wing.  Your old man was supposedly a big hero, right?” I asked in what must have seemed a rather spontaneous fashion.

“You could say that.” He gave a small laugh, picking the bucket up and tossing it back down the well.

“What did he do?” I asked, tilting my head curiously.

He blinked, his expression one of incredulity.  It was as if I was asking what color the sky was (LIKE HE WOULD KNOW, AMIRITE?!  I think cracking these jokes makes me a horrible person.  I think I’m okay with this.).

“Huh.  Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t have heard,” he shrugged his wings a bit.

“Woah, wait, hold on.  Before we continue,” I interrupted him, my jealousy finally leaking out, “Every time you shrug your wings, God kills a kitten.  Just saying.  Let us continue.”

“W... What!?” he took me seriously, facing my general direction immediately, “Are you well?”

“Just don’t shrug your wings and you won’t have to worry about it,” I pointed out, nodding with a serious look on my face, “Think of the kittens, Storm Wing.”

“Are you serious?” he didn’t look at all pleased by this concept.

“Storm Wing,” I set my hoof on his shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes, “I don’t want to take the risk to find out.  Do you?”

“Okay, you’re full of it,” he nodded, looking somewhat relieved.  I felt so transparent.  He reached for the bucket and began to pull out more water.

He spoke after retrieving the second bucket, “My father fell in battle, protecting Princess Celestia from Nightmare Moon.  Because of his sacrifice, Celestia was able to exile her to the moon.  He was a hero before all of that, too.  Being the first Sky Archon, he brought a lot of security to Equestria that wasn’t there before.  And no, I don’t hold it against Luna.  She was not in control of her actions and would not have done what she had done if she were thinking clearly. The Nightmare, however, is going to pay for all the harm it’s caused.”

“Yeah,” I agreed with him, nodding. “That we can agree on.  So, what about your mom?”

“What about her?” he asked, reaching down to scoop out a bowl of water.

“Well, I doubt you were a plant that your father cultivated in his back yard.” I gave a laugh, “What was she like?”

“Never met her,” he responded quite simply, “Never met my father, either.  Just have the stories to go by.  I was raised as... well, as an unofficial prince by Celestia.  It used to really bother me when I was much younger, but a thousand years is a long time to deal with your issues.  I’ve come to terms with being an orphan a long time ago.”

“Sounds like it,” I nodded with a smirk, “So anyway, I wanted to tell you something.”

He looked my way, silently acknowledging that he was paying attention.  I started to tell him about Azure Flora and Winter Sky, but I stopped.  I’d have been digging up a lot of crap for nothing if this all turned out to be a wash.  So instead, I banked on the side of safety.

"I'm headed out to Everfree Forest later tonight... Or today... I need to get a watch,” I said, coughing nonchalantly, “You should definitely come with."

“Why?”

“Well, the extra firep-...” I started to say before he cut me off.

“Why are you going?” he clarified before taking another drink of water.

“You’ll see.  I’ve my suspicions, but I think we’re going to learn a lot there,” I shrugged a shoulder as best I could, “Don’t ask me to explain, it’s one big convoluted mess.  Just trust me?”

What I would find, I wasn't sure.  The old capitol was a thousand years old and any clues there might have been were likely long gone.  That didn't mean it wasn't worth trying, though.  Sure it was a trick-knee decision, but I wanted some answers and I'm pretty sure I wasn't going to get them from anywhere else.

“Anypony else, and I’d say no,” he responded with a smirk, wiping his mouth with a hoof before holding it up to me, “But alright, Firewall.  I’ll come with.”

“Awesome.  Thanks man,” I brohoofed him and smiled wide, “You’re pretty cool.  Good race today!  Never thought I would enjoy racing, but you two were amazing!”

“Good race, eh?  But I lost.” He wasn’t at all perturbed by this fact, one could tell from the way he was smiling.

“Well, at least your loss gave me a chance to get back at Luna.  I get to cover up her Cutie Mark with a silly picture for a day.  We made a bet and Rainbow Dash is mah homegirl, so I bet on her.” I gently punched him in the shoulder, still smiling brightly.

“Good to know I could throw the race for a good cause.” Storm gave a snort, shaking his head. “I can’t wait to see the new Cutie Mark.”

“Whaaaat~?” I gave him a skeptical look.

“Seriously, Firewall, do you think I was giving it my all?” He smirked arrogantly at me, “I mean, yes, she definitely out flew me with that... amazing explosion of magic.  I couldn’t sense anything for a few seconds, I’ll admit.  I’ve never felt anything like it before.  But during that last straightaway, I let her win.”

“What?!” I shook my head in disbelief, “No way, she rode you the entire way in.”

“And I could have done something like... charge up a bit of lighting to zap her off my back.  Or simply stopped.  Maybe tuck into a diving spin.  I could have even flown back to the start of the straightaway and dumped her off there to give me even more time to outdistance her,” he reasoned, “I wasn’t without options.  Trust me, I let her win.  I wouldn’t lie about it.  She’s definitely fast enough to outpace me, she’s just too young to understand just how much potential she has.  That’s alright, though.  I wanted her to win.”

“Uh-huh.  And whys that smart guy?” I stared at him askance, still not buying it.

“Remember that part where I said I would consider her for the Sky Archons?” He gave me a sly smirk, chuckling at my reaction (which involved a double take and a jaw drop.).

“No way.” You could have knocked me over with a slight breeze.  Illidan was right.  I was not prepared.  How could he have known!?

“She’s perfect material.  Brave, spirited, strong, competitive.” He nodded with a pondering smile. “And she represents the Element of Loyalty, too.  And she’s fast.  Amazingly fast.  Most of my Sky Archons can’t come near her speed, and she’s not even in her third decade.  That’s huge, Firewall.  I didn’t get as fast as I am until my third century.  I don’t even have as much control as she does, which is even more impressive.  She’s got the determination, and she definitely has the skill, but my fear is that she won’t have the will.”

“How long have you been planning this?!” I gave him a shove, which he responded to with a laugh.

“Ever since I went to retrieve Twilight Sparkle and she chased me around for fun,” he gave a wing shrug, “I’m always on the lookout for potential Archons.  I only get one or two every generation and besides Silverheart twenty years ago, I’ve not had any new recruits in quite some time.”

“Wow,” I blinked, “You’re serious.  Rainbow Dash the Sky Archon.”

“It has a ring to it, doesn’t it?” he chuckled, “It’ll be tough for the first year or so, but if she accepts, I could see her going far.”

“No kidding.  Don’t you dare tell Luna,” I begged of him.

“Not even for two Sky Archon recruits,” he agreed with a nod. “She needs a piece of humble pie.”

“A piece?  I plan to feed her the whole damn thing!  Forcefully.” I nodded back enthusiastically.

“Hah!  Well, I’m off to do some rounds and see if Twilight Sparkle needs any more help for the Canterlot citizens coming in,” he said with a casual salute, “Stay frosty, Firewall.”

“Frosty.  Cute.  Keep it real, Storm.” I returned the gesture before pulling out a cigarette and lighting up.  I watched him lazily depart as I began to think about what to do next.  I began to walk aimlessly, twisting my face in confusion as I was suddenly approached by a blonde-haired, grey pegasus with bubbles for a Cutie Mark.

“Letter~!” she cried happily at me, giving me a wall-eyed stare with her hoof extended, a letter within its grasp.  My mouth hung open as I realized just who it was.  I couldn’t respond.  I didn’t know what to say.  I just kinda gaped at her for a few seconds, wondering how to approach this situation.  Unfortunately, I was getting nowhere in that endeavor, and she decided to take the initiative by stuffing the letter in my mouth and flying away.

After the sensation passed (it took quite a few minutes, if you must know), I spat out the letter and looked at the address.  It just had those Wing Dings for text, and I rolled my eyes as I opened it up, unsurprised to see more of the same.  I remember Twilight’s notes having the same language and set the letter down.  With a stomp, I burned the sucker and absorbed the knowledge it held.  Rough translation as follows:

The Observer

Dear Firewall,

I think it is time we met face to face at last, or at least as close to that as we can get.  I’ve tried to contact you again, but my attempts have been met with... outside interference.  I don’t think my identity has been discovered, but my presence is known now and time is running out.  I asked you to seek me out when we first met, and thankfully I did not have the time to give you more information as I have discovered much between now and then.  Come find me at the Everfree Forest at the tallest tower (It’s never the shortest tower, is it.) in the old capital.  I should be able to reveal myself by now, having recovered somewhat.

There is much I have seen and much I have yet to see, but before you, I have been unable to act upon what I know.  Perhaps with your help, I can be freed, and even if that proves to be impossible, I can still aid you.

Once again, I know you’ve no reason to trust me, but while all may not be lost without my help, I truly believe that you will not regret putting a bit of faith in me.

You friend,

The Observer

P.S. Bring Luna and Twilight Sparkle.  Though I would rather not reveal to them the harsh truths of the past, times have become dire, and it is best they know before they learn from some other source.

Great.  Now I get to tell Luna about the voices in my head.  That’ll go over so well.  I mean, the trolling opportunity alone would just thrill her to no end, I was sure.  Then I remembered this would involve telling her about the past.  I didn’t know whether or not to believe it, but Luna was definitely an emotional creature.  It would probably break her heart to hear that her sister had lied to her (If Celestia did even lie, that was.).

“Hoo boy,” I murmured to myself as I trotted around.  I had no idea where Luna stayed during her down time, but I did know that I was prepared to find out through a series of deductive techniques that would lead me straight to her.  These techniques involved scratching my chin, wandering around aimlessly, SMOKING THE HELL OUT OF SOME CIGARETTES, and asking other ponies if they had seen her.  Intense, eh?  Yeah, I’m incredible, I know.

Eventually, I bumped into Fluttershy, who was looking positively peachy.  She seemed happier than usual.  Also, it was more of the lines where she bumped into me, so yeah.  Flutterklutz.

“Hey, Flutter,” I smiled down at her, “Whatcha doin’?”

“Oh!  Hello, Firewall,” she squeak-smiled at me (RAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!), “I am just... walking.”

I blinked and noted the blush along her nose before rolling my eyes, “Who gave you that funny tasting apple juice and how much of a beating can they take?”

“Oh, well, ummm... It was Rainbow Dash,” she pointed out, happily swaying from side to side.  In all honesty, I’ve not seen her so relaxed and content before.  She normally had this worried look on her face, but today she just seemed... happy and carefree.

“She didn’t give you a bunch, did she?”

“Oh, goodness, no.  Applejack was very... very adamant that I only have a glass or two,” she swayed right into me, giggling at her mistake, “I’m sorry~!”

“It’s cool.  Just... don’t drink anymore.  You’re at like that perfect area where you are having a good time and won’t suffer the repercussions,” I chuckled, helping to steady her with a hoof, “Better?”

“Very very much,” she leaned over to nuzzle my neck, which was kinda awkward, but I didn’t jerk away or anything to make it seem like an outright rejection, “Thank you, Firewall.  I think I’m going to go take a nap now.”

“That’s probably a good idea.  You wouldn’t have happened to see Luna around, would you?” I asked, smiling at her happily.

“Oh, no,” she shook her head, smiling up at me before blinking, “Oh, Luna, you said.  Well, I think I saw her at the town hall with Twilight.”

“Awesome!  Thanks, Fluttershy,” I said with an appreciative wink, “Go take that nap and be sure to drink lots of water before you do.  That’ll help you sleep better.”

“Oh, thank you for the advice,” She replied with a long cute yawn, “But I don’t think getting to sleep will be a problem.  Not a problem at all.”

With that, she passed out in front of me, completely sold to unconsciousness.  I stared at her for several seconds, dumbfounded by the turn of events.  I decided to take a moment to ponder this by lighting a cigarette and take a ponderous drag off of it.

“Flootershai?” I murmured, poking at her with a hoof.  When she didn’t move, I gave a sigh and magicked her onto my back, “Lightweight.”

This was becoming a tiresome habit I was developing.  I slowly made my way to Town Hall, careful not to shake today’s heavier, yet equally adorable cargo.  At least she didn’t drool, I mentioned to myself inwardly.  I know I was a terrible drunken sleep drooler and so was everyone else I knew.  I bet AJ drooled last night, even.  As I eventually made my way there, I spotted Twilight exiting the Town Hall and cantering happily my way until she spotted Fluttershy on my back.  She teleported right up to me, concern splayed on her face.

“Oh my gosh!  Is she okay?!” Twilight circled around to look at Fluttershy more closely, “Is she... asleep?”

“Yup.  She had some of that cider that Luna made for us and... Well, it seems her tolerance is about as powerful as her pimp hoof.  Which isn’t very strong at all,” I said, mostly for my own benefit.  Gotta keep myself laughin, yo!

“Her what?” Twilight (you guessed it!) stared at me as though I had lost it, “Nevermind, where are you taking her?  You don’t know where her apartment is?”

“Well, I was going to make a fashion statement.  Before you know it, everypony will be wearing other ponies in an effort to keep up with the times!”  Here’s your sign.

“Uh-huh.  Why don’t I just lighten your load and take her to bed,” Twilight magicked her off my back and snickered as she shook her head, “Great.  Now, I’m visualizing everypony putting little fillies on their heads for accessories.”

“Good idea!  I know what to do with Sweetie Belle next time I see her!” I gasped, clapping my hooves in faux excitement, “Twilight, you’re a genius.  Anyway, where’s Luna?”

“She’s actually just on the other side of the Hall, last I saw,” Twilight smirked at me, “Go get’r, Casanova.”

“Does everypony know about this?” I lowered my head, sighing wistfully.

“Well, you’re a big oddity, and she’s quite a celebrity, so yeah.  Get used to it,” Twilight reminded me with a wink.

“Wunderbar,” I murmured, “Take care, Pretty Purple Pony of Profound Perception.”

“You, too, Gargantuan Grey Giant of Great Gelastic Goals.” She countered, proving to be the better at the game.  As she walked off, I turned to flick my cigarette and walked inside the Town Hall, aiming for the entrance on the other side.  Luna was actually just inside, staring out the exit as though the meaning of life were out there.

"Hey, girl!" I said during my approach, "Who wants a trollface?!"

"Shhh~!" She glanced back at me, flapping a wing in my direction in an effort to get me to shut up.

Curiosity took over and I moved beside her, peering over her shorter frame to see what was so freaking important.  Turns out, it was the meaning of life.  Or three little fillies setting up a small race track in Town Square, so your mileage may vary on that.

"Oh, this oughta be rich," I whispered.

"No kidding," she replied with a giggle, her eyes never leaving the crusaders.

"Wanna place a bet here, too?" I teased.

"Not a chance," she playfully slapped at me with one of her wings.

Just so you all know, I have an ever growing list of things-to-do should I ever get a pair of those stupid wings.  Number one:  Shrug until it hurts. Number Two:  Shrug some more!  Number Three:  Bat Luna in the face with wings.  Those are the main priorities so far, but trust me, the list is much longer than that.

"Oh man," I watched helplessly as the three silly fillies all lined up, ready to go, "Brace for epic, Luna."

"If I die from a cute-overload, tell Twilight I was most often shipped with her," she jokingly asked of me.

"Not going to happen." I vetoed that nonsense right away.

I watched as they took off, zipping along as fast as they could.  As they came around their first ‘waypoint,’ Scootaloo began to take the lead, only to trip over a small rock and become an obstacle for Sweetie Belle, who failed to jump over her and instead, crashed on top of the orange filly.  Applebloom, having paid more attention to dodging Scootaloo, tripped over the same rock that her friend had and crashed into the pile, causing the three of them to tumble forward for a few seconds.

I won’t lie, if I wasn’t so worried about them, I would have had to get some insulin to treat my newly developed case of diabetes.  Luna sighed and shook her head, smirking softly at the cute trio as they began to pick themselves up and brush off the dust.

“Ow, ow!” Scootaloo whimpered as she pulled herself from the mass of tangled pony manes, tails, and legs, “This is stupid!  We’re never going to get our Cutie Marks!”

“Ah,” Sweetie Belle whined as she tended a brand new scuff, “Yes, we w-Ow! … Yes, we will.  Right, Bloom?”

Applebloom had fared the best and stood up with a sigh, “Ah’m not sure, girls.  We’ve been workin’ at it fer... how long now?  An’ we just ain’t gettin’ any closer.”

“Exactly!” Scootaloo walked over to the rock that had tripped her and kicked it angrily, only to discover that it was unmoving when it hurt her hoof.  She gasped and immediately fell over, clutching her poor hurting hoof as her eyes began to well up.

“Oh dear, I can’t watch,” I had to look away.  Remember during Winter Wrap Up where Twilight ran away crying?  Yeah, I was so upset that there just aren’t words for it.  Having to witness a little filly cry just might have killed me.  I didn’t want to test the theory.  I mean, if I was wrong, okay... If I was right, I wouldn’t get to gloat over being right so often.

“You are such a softie,” Luna chuckled as she stepped out to tend to Scootaloo, who actually did break out into tears, despite her best efforts.

I couldn’t help myself and had to look as Applebloom and Sweetie Belle ran over to instantly embrace their friend in an effort to comfort her.  She tried to push them away, her pride stung and temper excited, but they simply held on and she was forced to eventually hug them back and have somepony to cry onto.  I kid you not; the entire idea of a young pony crying alone bothers me.  Having to watch it in person/pony made me stick my bottom lip out as the sad, adorable scene took place.  Looking back, I think Luna was totally understating my being a softie.  (Sometimes, I think I’m just a little girl deep down, but then I play some violent video games, and it’s all better.)

“Poor Scoots.  Did you hurt your hoof?” Luna consoled as she approached them.  It was obvious how horrified Scootaloo was when she realized she was crying in front of the princess.  She hid her face behind Applebloom, “Here, let me see it.”

I walked out as Sweetie Belle and Applebloom stepped aside.  Scootaloo was reluctant at first, but eventually showed her the aching hoof.  Luna used a bit of magic to help ease the pain and Scootaloo sniffled a bit, wiping at her eyes.

“T-Thanks,” she coughed, smiling a tad even though she was still in a dour mood.

“So, you guys decided to give racing a try, eh?” I asked, reaching over and muzzing Scootaloo’s hair.

“Hey!” She shoved my hoof away irritably.

“Yes, that’s the idea, anyway,” Sweetie Belle nodded eagerly before looking deflated almost instantly, “But that didn’t get us our Cutie Marks either.”

“What I don’t get is why you’re all trying to get the same Cutie Mark,” Luna remarked, tapping her chin with a pensive hoof, “I haven’t ever heard of three ponies having the same talent within the same generation, and certainly not within the same town.”

“Well, we uh... at this point we’re just hopin’ for one Cutie Mark,” Applebloom confessed with a pouting frown.

“In that case, why don’t you try and focus on one of you at a time,” Luna suggested with a wink, “Any strategy is probably better than this one, don’t you think?”

They all gaped up at her for a few seconds before looking at one another.

“But... Who goes first?” Scootaloo tilted her head, voicing their collective question.

“I’d say try paper, rock, scissors, but uh... No fingers,” I chuckled before mimicking the motion, “Paper, Rock, Hoof!  Doh, we tied again~!  But no, here’s a better idea.”

They all gazed up at me, their attention focused from the motivation of possibly getting a Cutie Mark.

“The first one to hug Fluttershy wins and gets to go first,” I announced before holding up a hoof, “OnetwothreeGO~!”

I swung it down and it was like firing a gun, you’d have thought from how fast they took off.  As they swung around the corner, I began to laugh and look Luna’s way.

“They have no idea where Fluttershy is, do they?” Luna asked me.

“Not a clue,” I confirmed.

“Ah, to be young.”

“You are quite the relic, aren’t you?” I teased.

“Would you like me to petrify you and give you an idea what a relic really feels like?” she asked with a sly smile aimed at me.

“Negative on that, O Ancient One!  Anyway, now that the munchkins are gone, we need to talk,” I explained, still chuckling from the crusaders’ silly antics.

“Oh?” she said, still looking towards where the little ponies had vanished. “What about?  The intricate details of my Cutie Mark and how you’re going to cover it with a meme?  Seems pretty straightforward, if you ask me.”

“No, about the voices in my head, of course,” I said, chuckling at how ridiculous it sounded.

“Well, in that case, we’d best get you a comfy couch for you to lay on as I diagnose you with the crazy,” she remarked.

“You’re such a riot.” I stuck my tongue at her.

“Well, you can blame yourself for that.” She stuck hers out right back.

“Right, because I made you come steal my phone in the middle of the night,” I said with a roll of my eyes.

“That’ll teach you to leave your valuable electronics out around ancient princesses.” She winked at me before snickering.

“Oh, trust me.  It won’t happen again.” I gave her a promising nod.

“I bet it won’t.” She smirked at me before sighing. “So, really.  What is it you wanted to talk about?”

I told her everything.  From the voice having seen others like me before, down to the hidden history.  I gave her my thoughts on every subject, how I wasn’t sure if I trusted it, but that I didn’t know what to make of the entire debacle.  She thought I was just kidding at first, but I soon made it clear that there wasn’t anything funny about the situation.

“It... It actually makes sense,” she murmured with a chuckle, setting her jaw a tad, “Tia would do anything to protect Equestria.  Even lie to us.  Even lie to me.  I can’t believe she... … ”

“Luna, she may have had plans to tell you,” I pointed out hopefully, “In fact, her plan was to tell us everything that happened when we got back from the negotiations.  Or... Whatever you would call that, there certainly wasn’t much negotiating.”

“Just... Just go, Firewall, I... I need to be alone right now,” she asked of me, not at all cheered up by my poor attempt at humor.

I gotta say, it was definitely an unfamiliar feeling, Luna telling me to get lost.  It really hit me where it hurt the most, and I found myself more upset about it than I would have expected.  I always wanted to be there to help people in general, and though I had not been around Luna for long, I felt that she was already one of the closest friends I would ever have.  Her having told me that she didn’t want me around was like your favorite brother/sister/aunt/uncle/etc telling you that you weren’t family for the moment.  I didn’t get angry; I try really hard to not be that guy.  I just felt all of my exuberance and joy slowly flow out of me.

“Well, I’m going to go see this ‘Observer’ tonight,” I informed her, keeping my voice calm and level, “It wants you and Twilight to come with, but I’ll leave that up to you.  And I’ll leave you alone until then.”

As I began to canter away, I did my best to keep it straight and not hang my head.  I didn’t want her to feel bad that she made me feel bad, especially since she had a damn good reason to feel bad in the first place.  I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep calming breath.

“Firewall?” I heard her call out, causing me to look back at her with a fake yet likely convincing smile.

“I’m not upset with you,” she said with a slight, yet encouraging smile.

“Oh.” I nodded, feeling a bit better at least, “Cool, just uh... Let me know if I can help.”

I watched as she looked down and nodded a bit, “I w-will.  Just go f... for now.”

Argh.  More tears.  She was torn up about her sister’s deception.  It was probably a world-shattering revelation.  They had likely been very close and kept no secrets from one another but toss in a human with good intentions, and suddenly everything is flying in your face.  Without stability in one’s life, a person or pony can quickly lose a lot of faith in a lot of things.

“You sure you don’t want me to... y’know... stick around?” I asked helpfully, “If you need an excuse, it might make me feel a little better.”

Luna shook her head a tad before looking up, “No, I just... I’m not sad, Firewall.”

Her eyes were certainly rimmed with water, but her expression was not of remorse or sorrow.  It was angry.  That was the last thing I expected.

“I’m furious,” she grit her teeth, “I gave a thousand years of my life... and she... she couldn’t give me the truth.”

“Oh,” I felt a cold sweat begin to bead on my forehead, “Luna, I’m sure s-...”

“No!  There is no excuse!” she stamped her hoof, causing a tiny indigo shockwave to rush along the ground, “She lied to me!  After all this time!  I never held anything from her!  Not a thing!”

“Luna, I’m sure it’s a tad more nuanced t-...” I got interrupted, yet again.

“No, it isn’t!  The simple fact is that she lied and what’s worse; she manipulated the minds of our people!” she shouted, “There’s nothing nuanced about stealing the memories of others!  It’s wrong!”

“Keep it down, girl, we don’t know all the facts yet, it could all be a lie!” I rushed over to her and shook my head, “Stop jumping to conclusions!”

“No!  Remember when she wanted to talk after we left the Everfree Forest?  I actually caught a hole in her cover-up story when she brought up the past!  But I gave her the benefit of the doubt!” She stamped her hoof again, grunting in frustration. “I said, ‘No, Tia wouldn’t lie to me!  Maybe she just forgot or something!  A thousand years is a long time to forget a few details.’”

“Luna, just stop,” I begged, reaching out to her with a hoof, only to get it smacked away by one of hers.

“It wasn’t like this before humans came along!” she shouted at me accusingly.

I blinked, now suddenly irritated, “Yeah, well, you give a little, you take a little.  One big lie traded for Equestria being a much safer place doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Look around us, Firewall!” She yelled, glaring at me angrily, “We’re on the precipice of becoming a dystopia now!  We wouldn’t even have The Nightmare if your kind had just stayed where it belongs!”

Lines were being crossed and stupid things were being said.  Not either of our best moments, to be sure.

“My kind,” I echoed, “So, I guess I’m guilty by association.  Damn them one and damn them all, eh?  I can’t actually buy that you’re so stupid as to actually believe that, Luna.”

She hesitated before looking away, her voice lowered but still seething with rage, “Go away, Firewall.  We’re already saying things we’re going to regret later.”

“Ya think?” I gave a hollow laugh, “Why are you so angry?  People lie all the time, Luna.”

“Not US!” she turned back on me, hollering in my face, “We don’t steal, kill, lie, abuse, and mistreat others!  At least I didn’t THINK we did!”

“Really?  Well, forgive me if I upset that argument by feeling a little mistreated,” I spat furiously.

“Just... I SAID GO AWAY!” she reared back to shove me away.  I moved to evade, somewhat surprised by her actions, only to make things worse by causing her to hit me right in the eye.

I stumbled back, entirely shocked by what she had done.  Yeah, she had kicked me in the face before, but she wasn’t exactly stable then.  This, however, was just plain old fashioned lost-my-temper-and-dishing-it-out-on-you childish anger.  I wasn’t the only one stunned by what she had done, judging by her own reaction.  Her face was already losing its malice and replacing it with chagrin.  It hurt like hell, getting bucked right in the eye, as you might have guessed.  What made it worse was that it was her that did it and out of rage, nonetheless.  I’ve never actually been hit by someone so close to me.  Not once.  It’s never happened.  Came close a few times, but I’ve never actually been on either side of such an exchange of abuse between friends.

“Fire... I’m... I didn’t mean to...” she stammered, cautiously stepping closer.

I could feel it swelling already as I raised a hoof to rub at the mark.  I didn’t say anything, I simply turned away and started walking, pausing occasionally to rub at it a bit more.  I didn’t say anything I’d regret later, I didn’t go try to make amends, and I didn’t even look back at her.  I just left.  I do remember that she tried to get me to stop by moving in front of me, I just can’t recall what she was saying.  Rather than yell at her, though, I responded by walking around her.  I was angry, and a bad sort of angry.  I don’t talk when it gets this bad because it’s like tossing an already huge snowball down a hill.  It would have only gotten worse.  So, I just left.

I walked around town, up the streets, and through the alleys.  Hell, I was walking just to walk.  I vaguely remember ponies trying to ask if I was okay.  I ignored them, one and all.  Even Rarity, when she approached me, concern splayed on her face.  I was not okay.  To be perfectly honest, Lafter and Stoic were waging a war on what I should do, but I was suppressing all ideas, impulses, and urges.  I simply continued to walk.  I took myself out to the apple orchard on the edge of town and just walked amongst the trees.  About half an hour had passed, and all I had done was walk around and stay angry.  It takes a lot to shake me up so bad, but this was definitely something I wasn’t ready to have to swallow.

It was made worse by the arrival of ponies, “Firewall.”

Through my anger, I was able to manage to put a voice to a name and then to a face.  Twilight Sparkle.  Of course, she’s a go-getter.  We’re not too different in that aspect.  Something that needs to be dealt with is going to get dealt with.

“Twilight, I don’t want to be an ass, but you really don’t need to be here." My voice was not kind, not even just impassive.  No attempt was made to mask my emotional upset.

“Luna told me what happened,” she said with a sigh, looking to me imploringly.

“That’s great, so now that you know, you can see why I’m angry,” I seethed, somewhat surprised at how little I had cooled off. “Seriously, Twilight.  Humans can do really stupid things while angry, so just... Go elsewhere.”

“You’re not an angry pony,” she pointed out, smiling a bit to show she was trying to be humorous.  That would have worked if I wasn’t seeing red.

“Funny thing about that,” I said as I turned away, “I’m not a pony.”

“This isn’t like you.  Please calm down,” she begged of me, stepping closer.

“That’s what I want to do, so please, leave me in peace.” I began walking away from her, not wanting to take it out on an innocent.

“Isn’t there... anything a friend can do?” her voice was hurt.  It was so ironic, actually.  Looking back, I can say I was definitely doing the very same thing to Twilight that Luna had done to me.

“You can not kick me in my goddamn face!” I shouted, stomping a hoof down and snorting a bit of flame as I glanced back at her, “Think you can manage that?!”

“Please don’t yell at me,” she murmured as her eyes began tearing up.

“Ju... Aggh!! %@#$!!!” I felt my conscience overpower my anger long enough for me to regain a modicum of composure, “Please!  Twilight.  No, there isn’t anything you can do.  I need time to blow off steam.”

That’s when Storm Wing descended from the treetops with a thunderous crash.

“Or you can get it beaten out of you!” he shouted, his entire frame sparking with energy, “What happened!?  Luna’s in tears and can barely string a sentence together!  What did you do to her!?”

Turns out Twilight got the truth out of Luna after Storm Wing had left.  She just had a head start with her OP teleport powers.  You know, for those of you wondering how Twilight knew and Storm didn’t.  For a simpler answer, Twilight is just that overpowered.

“Get lost, Storm Wing, I swear, I am not in the mood to play with ponies right now.” Getting yelled at was not improving my day.  In fact, I was starting to get excited all over again.

“Both of you need to calm down!” Twilight tried to shout above us.

“Miss Twilight, you should leave,” he warned her gently. “Turn around, Firewall!”

He unfurled his wings and crouched down, ready to leap at me.  Storm was quite confrontational like that.  Still, I wasn't putting up with it.  If he wanted to become a focus for my frustrations, then so be it.  To be honest, though, I was just looking for any justification to hit something.  Hey, I never claimed to be perfect.

“Twilight, he’s right.  Go somewhere else,” I turned back around and slowly wreathed myself in flame, “I’m done giving warnings.”

“No!  No, this is stupid!” she teleported in between us, forcibly keeping us from going at it for now, “Tensions are high and you’re both acting irrationally!”

“You tell me what happened this instant, Firewall, or I’m going to drag another patient to Nurse Tendercare,” Storm Wing growled, his eyes glowing as he tensed up again.

“TRY IT, STORM!” I screamed at him as I reared up and slammed down onto the ground, spurting gouts of flame in all directions. “I’LL TAKE MY CHANCES!”

He actually took a step back, surprisingly enough, not expecting such a hateful response, no doubt.  I don't think he was afraid in the slightest, but rather, I think he was hesitant to get into a serious fight for my sake.  I mean, yeah, I was definitely packing more heat than when we had first tangled, but I'm fairly certain Storm could have still beat whatever he damn well pleased out of me.  So, y'know, screw him for that.

“I can tell you!” Twilight ran up to Storm Wing, pretty much acknowledging that I was beyond reason and to be fair, I so very much was, “Firewall and Luna got into an argument!  It happens!  She hit him and he walked away!  Luna’s crying over her own actions, not from what Firewall did!”

“She... Then... Why’s he acting so...” He looked at me as I panted heavily, still secretly hoping he’d come at me (because I'm a glutton for punishment, apparently.  Let’s be honest, we all remember what happened when me and Storm went at it during my last tantrum.), “What’s wrong with him?”

“Luna says humans have really bad tempers!” She tried to explain, glancing back at me, “She says she’s got a...  Firewall, come back!”

I had turned to gallop away, still covered in an assortment of red and blue flames.  I didn’t want to hurt anypony, I really didn’t.  They were just making it harder.  Luna felt bad, I felt bad, Twilight felt bad, Storm Wing felt bad.  We all felt bad!  I just wanted to get away from the feel bad!  I wanted to go swimming, or run at ninety miles an hour, or just fly away!  Anything but be around somepony!

“I’m leaving!  Do NOT follow me!  Just let me GET SOME TIME ALONE!” I yelled back at them as I departed, leaving them in the orchard.

Since walking didn’t seem to help (not to mention it allowed ponies to find me more easily), I ran.  I ran as hard as I could, as fast as I could and I ran as far as I could.  I didn’t even think to smoke a cigarette or something.  I charged through every branch in my way and never felt a thing.  I didn’t even feel the tree that I brushed up against, other than the slight pressure of touch.  I just put one hoof in front of the other as fast as I could and forced myself to keep going faster.  I tripped more than once, but as I got the rhythm, I began accelerating.  That’s when I learned my final Unicorn trick.  If I had to give it a name or something, I’d call it blazing speed, but that sounds kinda lame, if you ask me.  Because that’s what it was.  The faster I ran, the more aware I became of my surroundings.  Eventually, my anger had dissipated and was temporarily replaced by wonder.  I had to be going at least seventy miles-per-hour.

I stopped and let the fire die out around me.  It was so liberating and I wasn’t enjoying like I should have been.  Thus, I took a deep breath and let the cold night air breeze brush against me before letting it out.  In... and out... For the next five minutes I simply chilled, letting my anger flow out.  After finally getting to state of some form of mental clarity, I began to run again.  It was hard to recreate.  I kept getting tired at first before trying to figure out what was different.  It didn’t take long however.  It was the fire.  I hadn’t covered myself in it, but rather, I had become fire.  I shut my eyes and focused, recreating the spell that I had used in my anger before opening them again, ready for a real attempt.

“Let’s do this,” I murmured before slamming down my hooves and breaking into a wild dash.  Without fail, I kept going and faster and faster.  The chilled air buffeted me as I accelerated through it, but I didn’t get cold.  Soon, I wasn’t even touching the ground, I was just a line of fire rocketing along the ground.  I didn’t have a speedometer on me to tell me how fast I was going, but if there were any cops around, they’d have tried to pull me over.  Not that they would have ever caught me, but they would have tried.  I hit a hill and launched myself some hundred feet, shouting in release as I felt all the tension slowly pour out of me.  I spotted a desert butte and dashed up its side, rocketing straight up its vertical surface, launching myself into open sky.  It wasn’t flying, but it was so close to it; I just didn’t care.  For fifteen seconds, almost, I was amongst the clouds on my own merit.  I hit the ground without even slowing down, laughing in glorious revelation.  It was so amazing; I’d never felt anything like it before.  Words will never be able to describe the sensation, as silly as that sounds.  Try running on a treadmill while a fan blows a hundred mile-per-hour winds at you or something.  You might get a taste of it, then.  But it will only be a hint of a shadow of the real thing.

I finally slowed down and let the fire die out as I came to a stop.  I took one final deep breath and let it out, dispelling the last of my anger.  It was good to be sensible again.  I missed it.  What I missed more was making people and ponies laugh.  Not making them cry.

“Hey, tough guy,” I heard Rainbow Dash’s voice above me.

I looked up and smiled, “Hey, Dash.  Good race earlier today.  Grats on your win.”

“Thanks.  Y’know, Twilight said you were pretty angry,” she said with a laugh, spinning into a loop before landing beside me, “You don’t seem so bad off, though.  Don’t know why she thought I needed to come get you.”

“I’m great now,” I nodded with a somewhat pained sigh, “Ten minutes ago?  Not so cool.  Ran it out of me, though.  Still, I managed to do some stupid things before I calmed down.”

“Yeah, Twilight said you and Storm almost got in a fight,” she seemed rather serious all of a sudden, “Now, I know all about bad tempers and all, but friends don’t need to fight for any reason, y’know?”

“Yeah,” I shook my head sorrowfully, “I even yelled at Twilight.”

“Well, stop being such a jerk, jerk!” She flicked her tail at me, causing me to snap my head back to avoid getting popped in the nose.  She laughed at my surprised expression, which in turn infected me with a chuckle of my own.

“Ponies do stupid stuff when they’re angry, too,” she reminded me with a smile, “Don’t let it getcha down.”

“Yeah,” I murmured dourly before perking up in a rather sudden fashion, “Hey, did you see how fast I was going?!”

“Yeah, you were bookin’ it!” she laughed before brohoofing my shoulder, “You should look into professional hoof racing!”

“No kidding,” Dash brohoofing me was an awesome-sauce-cherry on top of my not-angry-anymore-sundae.  Om nom nom nom~!

“So, whaddya say we get on back to Aaaaapplelooooosa~ and see about makin’ everypony stop worryin’ about ya?” she said with a wink, causing my ears to droop with a drop of guilt.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” I replied with a chastised smirk.

“Hey, it’s not so bad.  Here.” She actually gave me a hug, before letting go abruptly. “Don’t tell anypony I did that.  I got this... image to keep up, y’know?”

“Lips are sealed,” I chuckled my reply to her, feeling considerably uplifted.

“Good.  Race ya!”

Of course, I didn’t even come close to winning, but it wasn’t really a race so much as a fun dash back to Appleloosa.  Naturally, I just followed Dash to wherever she was taking me.  We parked just outside Rarity's home (Screeeeech~!), kicking up a huge cloud of dust with our rapid braking.  As the dust cleared, Rainbow knocked on the door with me staring over her back.  I had a knot in my stomach and I didn’t like it being there one bit.

“Now’s not a good time!” Rarity’s voice called out from inside. “Please understand, I’m quite busy at the moment~!”

“Oh, sure,” Rainbow Dash yelled back, “I’ll just take Firewall an-...”

The door opened instantly, Rarity standing in its frame.  She didn’t look happy.  Luckily, she didn’t look angry, either.  See, this was one of those situations where the guy and the girl are having rough times and showing favor to one or the other could cause complications.  I know, drama, right?  Needs less.

“Firewall, go-WAHAHA~!” Rarity took notice of the bruise as she looked closer.  I should mention by now, it’s pretty much swollen shut.  No doubt I looked smashing.  She shook her head and beckoned me closer with a hoof before whispering, “Sorry!  Oh, dear, that was incredibly insensitive.  A~hem.  As I was saying, don’t worry, this is quite par for your typical celebrity romance.  It could have been much worse.”

I think I threw up in my mouth a little.  I don’t want a celebrity romance~!  I see those god awful magazines at the checkout aisle at Wal-Mart, where every word, action, and heartbeat made by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt is analyzed by EVERYONE BUT THEM!  What is wrong with everyone that they need to give a damn about someone of general importance’s love life!?  And why do I have to be in this position!  We haven’t even held hooves!  We may never hold hooves!  Do ponies even hold hooves!?

“Thanks, Rarity,” I whispered back before gently nudging her aside and walking in, chuckling at how ridiculous this whole fiasco was.

I entered the living room, which had Storm Wing, Twilight, Luna, Applejack, and surprisingly enough, Starlight all sitting around in various moods.  They had all been chatting idly, but as soon as I was noticed, it was like the movie had just started and everypony had become deathly silent.

“Woah,” I murmured, no doubt confusing them all, “That was impressive.  We didn’t even choreograph that fade-to-silence.  Here, let me see if it works twice.”

I backed out of the room and walked back in, acting just as surprised the second time.

“Oh, grow up, Firewall,” Rarity huffed at me as she and Dashy walked past.

“That’s asking a lot,” Storm Wing murmured.

“I didn’t say you could talk, loser!” Rainbow Dash berated him.

“I didn’t ask, little girl,” he countered.

The two of them took off from there and I stopped listening.  I stared around the room for a few seconds before looking at Luna, who was staring intently back at me.  It was quite clear that both of us wanted to be elsewhere right now.  With or away from each other, it didn’t matter.  We just didn’t want to be around everypony else that was making this their business, good intentions or not.

“Ya’ll need ta hush, both’a ya!” Applejack hollered at them, bringing silence back to the room.

“So, yeah, everypony beat it,” Starlight ordered as she got up and started to leave, “These two don’t need an audience around.”

Applejack winked at Starlight as she got up and passed, probably thinking the same thing.

When everypony hesitated, she looked back and snapped her tail loudly, “Out!”

Storm Wing did not like being ordered by his subordinate, but it was obvious that she was right and thus, he didn’t make a scene about it.  Rainbow Dash and Rarity were quick to bolt out, quite intimidated by the edgy Starlight.  

“Storm,” I called out to him as I held out a hoof to halt Twilight’s departure.

“What?” He turned to look back at me from the door.

“Sorry about earlier,” I said before looking to Twilight, “Friends shouldn’t fight.”

“Forget about it,” he turned back for the door, “Friends fight all the time.  Letting it come between them is when they stop being friends.”

Screw Captain Storm Wing for being so awesome and profound.  I continued to stare down at Twilight  (I may be very big, but I feel so very little~!) before taking a long deep breath.

“Right.  And I’m sorry for yelling at you, Twilight,” I said to her with a chagrined frown, “You deserve a lot more than somepony that says he’s a friend to mistreat you.”

Twilight smiled up at me.  She didn’t say anything; she just gave me a hug and walked out.  Really, that was all that I needed to know that everything was going to be okay.  Until I looked to Luna, curled up on Rarity’s couch, still watching me.  I did likewise from across the room and for a good minute or two, nothing happened.

Finally, she stuck her tongue out at me.  As childish as that was, it decreased the tension so much, you just don’t know.

“Awesome,” I nodded in appreciation, “Well done.”

“You’re such a jerk,” she said with a pouting frown.

“I’ll try to do better next time,” I chuckled, “Maybe some applause and a bunch of confetti.  And streamers.”

“Why’d you let me say those things?” She was still pouting.

“I’m obviously the one to blame here,” I performed a low sweeping bow, “I apologize for not knocking you the hell out.  I’ll be better about that next time.”

“Would have been better than me hitting you,” she looked down, shaking her head, “I’m sorry, Firewall, I was just angry and... Why didn’t you leave when I told you to!?”

I gave a snicker, reaching up to rub at my poor bruised eye, “Probably the same reason Twilight wouldn’t leave when I was angry.”

She hopped up from the couch and cantered over.  One spell later, and I was suddenly able to perceive depth again.  We shared a smile and once again, Equestria was all perfect again.  Except for, you know, The Nightmare, Azure Flora, and Giant Ice Pony.  Oh, and eternal night.  And Canterlot being taken over by shadow ponies.  And then there were voices in my head.  But you know, just small things like that.

“Thanks for that.” I blinked a few times, testing it out.

“Mmhmm,” she nuzzled at me, smiling happily, “Next time I start to say such stupid things, just knock me out, mmkay?”

“I... I...” I was all flustered from the affectionate display, “Yeah!  Knock ya... right out... Can do.”

“Don’t agree so quickly,” she laughed before looking up at me, “Lean down here.”

“I’m scared.” I pouted fearfully.

“Do it, filly!” she ordered.

I leaned a little.

“Closer.”

Little more.

“Cloooooser~!” She sing-songed.

Hesitantly, I complied.  I really wish I hadn’t, though.  Because this is where you think AMAGAD THUR GONNA KISS NAO and that’s not a bad assumption because that’s what I thought, too.  But no.  That’s just what she wanted me to think.  That little (Pony Censor~!) turned my (More Pony Censor~!) hair bright bubblegum pink and ran out of the (So Much Pony Censor~!) house while I stood there in shock.  She didn’t get away with it, though.  I ran outside after her, seething in indignant rage.  They had all been waiting out there, wondering why Luna had just run outside, cackling like a candidate for the loony bin, however, not one of them were dumb enough to ask me why my hair was pink.

“Twilight!” I shouted as I burned a trollface image into the ground.  I grabbed her and pointed at the image, “I need a fireproof picture of this and FIREPROOF TAPE, QUICK!  LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO!”

Long Story Short: I used my new speedy fire trick, caught her immature butt just outside of town, held her sorry plot down as I taped that damn thing to her (which she laughed maniacally through, taking the majority of the fun out of it), and immediately began wondering how to change my mane and tail back to their appropriate colors.

“You’re such a troll,” I huffed as I tried magicking my hair which availed me no results.

“You love it!” She was still on the ground, laughing at me as though I had just told that joke that kills people from Monty Python.

“You just shut up and lay on that there ground,” I ordered, rolling my eyes irritably, “Of all my crimes, leaving my phone out has got to be the worst one, yet.”

“Awww~!” she got up and gave me a big trollish hug. “Is somepony sore?”

“Damn right, I am.” I stood up, pulling away from her. “Trolls hurt.  You hurt me.  Feel bad, Luna.  Feel bad.”

“But it’s so much fun!” she declared as she held onto me with a snuggle to my cheek. “Don’t you think?”

“Nope.” I denied such a ludicrous notion, still pulling away from her. “You get off me before I get a rolled up newspaper and pummel you with it.”

“Oh hush,” She said before planting a kiss of my cheek. “Don’t be such a baby.”

I blushed brightly as she mussed my pink hair, still happily leaning against me.  We kept like that for a good long while, standing around in the middle of nowhere.  Me trying not to look happy so as to discourage further antagonizing, her with a stupid grin plastered on her face.  Even through all my annoyance, I was still able to enjoy it.  I knew, however, that this carefree time was running out and this very well might have been the last time we would get to do this.

“Mmmm,” she hummed as she looked up at the stars, “So, we need to go see your friend soon.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, sighing softly and remorsefully, “Things are probably going to get rough when we do.”

“Well, we can’t stay like this forever,” she replied.

“Not really,” I agreed, pulling out a cigarette.

“Not right now,” she took it away from me, provoking my ire somewhat, “You can wait until after we’re done.”

“Pony cuddling.  Serious business,” I said in a dramatic voice.

“Very serious,” she nodded, giggling a tad, “You know, I bet Earth would be a much nicer place if there were more humans like you.”

“Earth’s great.  It’s not perfect, but go to any pony-fan circle and you’ll see a bunch more people just like me,” I reminded her, smirking up at the stars along with her.

“I like to pretend you’re special,” she said with a laugh.

“Mom always said I was.” True story, bro.

“You don’t know how to talk without being silly, do you.” Her sigh was wistful.  I think I had finally squeezed every last laugh out of her.  It sure had taken a long time.

“Wut r serious?  Can you eat it?” I said in that overly dramatic tone.

“I’m serious,” she said as she looked up at me.

“Well, I don’t want to devour you,” I said after having considered that.

“Firewall.”

It was obvious she wanted me to be serious, too.  My current mindset of serious was worried, and I didn’t want to spoil the mood by being that way.  However, she was bound and determined to get it out of me, so I was forced to give her what she wanted.

“Fiiine~... Listen, Luna, I may not be able to stay here,” I murmured softly before turning to face her somewhat, “and while that may not be the case, either, the last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

“I’m not going to worry about it.” She looked down as she laid her head against my shoulder.

“Luna.” I didn’t like such emotional lines.  It was like jinxing it, or something.  Kinda like how ‘hey yaw watch th’eus~!’ was a death sentence.

“Shush,” she demanded as she batted a wing at me, “I’m the oldest one here.  Listen to your elders.”

“I forget just how freakin’ old you really are sometimes.” I gave a slight chuckle

“I can make the rest of you pink, as well.”

“Nooo~!” I took that threat seriously. “I’ll be good!”

“You bet your haunch you are.”

“Just... I’m worried about you, is all.”

“I know,” she looked up at me, smiling, “It’s why I like you.”

“Then can I ask you a favor?” I smiled back down at her.

“Of course,” she tilted her head, curious as to what was on my mind.

“Well, I’d really like it iiiif~...” I leaned down, slowly.

“Yes?” Her smile grew a bit.

“If you could...” Still leaning in.  INORITE?

“Yes?”

“Change my hair back before we do anything else.” I TOTALLY GOT HER!  Cheap shot, but I don’t fight fair in the least, remember?

“I hate you,” she grumped before hoofing me right in the ribs.

“Ow!” I curled up a bit to nurse the sudden pain.

“Seriously.  I know you’re worried about me,” she murmured as she looked back down, “I know the risks, I’m not stupid.”

“I never said you were,” I sat back up straight, gently kicking at the ground.

“I know, you might have to go and that might be tomorrow, that might be a week from now, that might be a year from now,” she hung her head a bit, “One of us might not make it through all this.  I know.  And there’s the fact that you’re not really a pony.”

Mmmm... Those elephants in the room.  Damn them.  One and all.

“That does make it a bit awkward.” I concurred with a slight nod.

“A little.” she nodded before looking up. “But... Nopony else will ever understand me now.  And, I know that’s my fault, more than anything.  Not that I’m desperate by... you know... liking you, and stuff.  ”

“That’s... nice of you?” So silly.

“I’m just... Even if you leave.  Tomorrow.” She looked up at me, tears in her eyes, “I’ll still have had somepony there for me and for once, I won’t feel lonely.  Even if just for a little bit.”

“I...” I didn’t know what to say, is what was really going on.

“So just... stop being smart and stupid at the same time,” she turned away to cough a bit.

“Okay.” Then came the most epic mind battle I’ve ever had to fight.  Me against Lafter and Stoic.  Reason after reason popped up as to why I shouldn’t do what I was contemplating doing.  They seemed so silly, though.  They weren’t voicing actual reason as much as they were voicing reasons for their fear.  My fear.  Acknowledging these fears was sensible, sure.  But being cowed by my fears was stupid, as Luna had said.  Still, ignoring these fears was even worse.

“Okay?” She turned back to me.

“Okay, I admit it,” I confirmed with a smirk, “I’m scared and stupid.  But it’s not for stupid reasons.”

“Right,” she deflated a bit, but nodded, “Then, I guess... after it’s all said and done.  That’s probably for the best.  We’ll just... wait for that day.”

“Then we can try.  And possibly stop dancing around it fearfully.”

“Right.  Waiting until that day,” she said, “right after this.”

“Right after what, now?” I looked down at her in confusion.

“This,” she whispered before wrapping her hooves around my neck and pulling me down into a kiss.

No, I’m not going into details on what it was like.  Suffer if you must, but some things are just sacred and this was definitely one of them.  It was simply a placeholder in a book we were closing until we were certain that we could finish it.  It was a very nice placeholder, to be sure, but it was a placeholder nonetheless.

“That...” I murmured after we... separated, “That was so not waiting.”

“Suffer,” she said with a laugh, tapping my forehead with her horn, “And I’m a princess, I’ll wait when it so pleases me.”

“Of course,” I smirked as I glanced up to see my mane change back to its original colors, “Let’s get back to the others before grand assumptions are made about us running of together, alone.  You keep that stupid Trollface on, though.  You earned it.”

And so we trotted back to Appleloosa, cherishing the big mushy moment we shared for as long as we could.  As bad as this sounds, I was starting to forget about ever going home, content to just... live out my days in the fun and adventurous land of Equestria.  Living the dream, mackin’ out on the princess, and generally be envy of all bronies everywhere.  At the same time though, I knew I had to take it seriously.  If I wanted to stay, I had to help fix the damage caused by myself and other humans.  Otherwise this Equestria would become a tragic tale of caution, used to warn others just how badly good intentions can go.

When we arrived back at Appleloosa, we headed straight for the Town Hall.  We weren’t surprised to find Storm Wing and Twilight inside.  We were, however surprised to see Whirlwind and Silverheart along with them.  It didn’t take long for the dire mood to settle in.  Play time was over.

“Silverheart, glad you’re okay.  Thought you were going to be ground bound for longer than that.” I nodded as we entered the room.

“I ordered Tendercare to... expedite the process.” She gave a ghost of a smirk.  “We’ve got big problems on our hooves, though.”

“Nightmare Sol and the Shadow Ponies are following the train,” Storm Wing explained.

“Guess she’s willing to find out if Celestia can handle fighting away from the sun,” Luna growled with a glare.

“We’ll be able to fight them off.  This won’t be an ambush like before,” Twilight said with a nod.

“Well, we’re gonna be playing for keeps,” Whirlwind said with a nod, “We lost Blue Rain, Aurora, and Dusty to the Shadow Ponies, so with Hot Shot, they’ve four Sky Archons with them.”

“Looks like our little trip is going to be put on h-...!” I started to say before I was quite rudely interrupted.

Remember when I said it hurt when The Observer first contacted me?  Yeah.  I just didn’t know what real pain felt like.  I fell to the ground as I seized up, rife with pain that came from every last part of me.  I tried crying out, but no sound came forth.  At least, no sound that I was trying to give out.  The sound I was going for would have been a pitiful scream.  Instead, out of my mouth came this:

“I am The Observer!  You must hurry to me!”  That was my mouth, but that wasn’t my voice.“Time is short!”

Awesome.  I’m a puppet now.  That thrills me to no end.  Cross something else off on the list of things I wish I’d never done.

“Stop!  You’re hurting him!” Twilight cried out as everypony gathered around my prone self.

“His pain is momentary and necessary for me to deliver this message!  You must come to me in the Everfree Forest at the Old Capitol!  Without fail!”

“We’re soon to be under attack, Observer,” Luna said calmly, staring down at me angrily, “We’ll get to you as soon as we’ve repelled them.  Now, release Firewall at once!”

“It will not matter if I am taken before you are victorious!  We’ve a few scant hours and I am cutting into that time by speaking to you!  There is no alternative for either of us!”

“I’ve no reason to trust a pony that refuses to show himself,” Storm Wing snarled angrily, “We’ll get to you when we can and not a moment sooner.”

“Trust me or do not.  Disregard me, though, and Equestria and Earth will be burned to ashes.  I must go.  Make your choiaaaggggh!  N... Never again!”

Luna knelt down to help nudge me up.  I was sweating all over from such an ordeal, panting in shock at what had just happened.  It was so intense that I didn’t even have the capacity to think, much less do something about it.  Even still, I was aching all over, as though I had just been pieced back together, bit by bit.

“We... We need to get to him... Now,” I said between every other gasp, reaching a hoof up to wipe my brow, “This isn’t... Something we can... just ignore.”

“We’ve got a town to defend and innocents living in it.  We can’t just pack up and leave on a field trip,” Whirlwind protested.

“Not to mention many more to come,” Silverheart reminded us, “The citizens from Canterlot are going to be arriving soon.  The Sky Archons are with them, but this isn’t just a few monsters we’re going up against.  It’s an army.”

Even I was up against a wall with that argument.  I knew, deep down, that The Observer was our chance to stop this now but I couldn’t easily justify risking so many ponies on the whim of my intuition.

“This is the voice you told me about, Firewall?” Luna asked me, to which I confirmed with a nod, “Alright then.  We’re going.  You, me, and Twilight, right?”

“And Storm Wing,” I confirmed with a nod.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He shook his head. “I’ve lost four Sky Archons to Nightmare Sol and I’m going to get them back, even if I have to beat it out of her.”

“You’re coming, Storm.  You especially.  This concerns you more than it concerns Twilight, and even me,” I shuddered as the last bit of the aching pain slowly drained out of me.

“How so?” He didn’t seem happy, but his curiosity was definitely peaked.

“I think this has something to do with your parents,” I responded with a sigh, “I think this... Observer is the human that visited Equestria a thousand years ago.  And the one that made the first Sky Archon.  Your father.”

Everypony stood there in silence for several seconds.  Surprisingly enough, Twilight was the first to respond.

“Wow,” she uttered sardonically, “It’s time for a recap, I’m obviously very far behind.”

“On our way.  I’ll explain the entire thing, but the four of us need to roll,” I compromised, “I think he’s in danger and I’m even more certain he can help.  Storm, are you coming?”

“I just...” He was definitely conflicted on the matter. “What if you’re wrong, Firewall?  What if it’s a trap?  Hay, what if this Observer is wrong?  It doesn’t even have to be an enemy for us to lose everything.”

I hung my head and gave a shrug, “I don’t know, Storm.  But right now, this is a losing situation.  We’re not going to thrive like this.  It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better.  Assuming it ever does.  If we’re right, we might pull this out like a buncha champs.  If we’re wrong, it’s probably going to be over really quick, rather than really slowly.”

“You don’t know that!” Whirlwind shoved a hoof at me accusingly. “There are always options.  You always told me that, Captain.”

“Storm Wing?” Silverheart stepped over to Storm Wing, who had shut his eyes, trying to think of another argument.

“I... I don’t like to be pessimistic,” Twilight offered with a grimace, “But if their numbers grow for every pony they take and ours diminish... It... It would just be a matter of attrition.  I know this is a bad analogy, but... if the game doesn’t let you win... change the rules.”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this,” Whirlwind shook his head before looking to Storm Wing, “You’re the Captain, Storm.  If you want to give this a shot, you know I’ve faith in you, mate.  I don’t have all the answers but... It can’t be so simple as ‘when do we lose,’ can it?”

“I’m going to go get the Carriage,” Luna slowly turned to leave, “Make up your mind, Storm.  I’m not going to order you, but we are going.  With or without you.”

“With,” he responded before she was out the door, “I’m going.  Firewall, you had better be right, I swear, we are betting so much on this and... We lost so much on our last gamble.  Lieutenant Silverheart, Lieutenant Whirlwind:  Follow Luna to where she’s set up her Rhyme of Eternal Night.  I want you both guarding it.  If that falls, it’s over.  Starlight’s in command.  Don’t fail me.”

“Sir!” they both replied and rushed out the door.  Whirlwind didn’t look happy, but he wasn’t going to question his orders.  Sky Archons.  You just don’t know reliability until you meet one.

“Thanks, Storm,” is all I said as we left Town Hall.

It was all pretty much quiet from there.  The alarm had been sounded, all the ponies went into hiding, and those few brave enough to fight were gathered at the Square.  As you might have guessed, all of the six were there, ready to do their part.  Storm Wing pulled Rainbow Dash to the side to give her a bit of combat coaching, particularly worried for her sake.  Me?  I was scared to death and couldn’t laugh it off for once.  There must have been less than a hundred ponies ready to fight.  What was it all coming to, I kept asking myself.  Ponies fighting war?  What sick mind was twisting these events.

As we prepared to leave on the Sky Carriage, I found myself wondering what would happen if the spell was broken.  Or if the Sky Archons all became Shadow Archons.  Then I saw Fluttershy huddling up to Pinkie Pie for comfort and it tore me up to see it. I kept fearing that one of the Mane Six might get shadowed and we wouldn’t be able to free Celestia from The Nightmare.

That’s when it hit me.

“The Elements of Harmony,” I mouthed silently before turning to Luna, “Luna, where are the Elements of Harmony?”

She looked at me in shock before hanging her head a bit, sighing, “I had to use them to power the Rhyme of Eternal Night.  I couldn’t hold up the moon while I rested, so Twilight and I channeled their power into the spell.”

“But they’re okay,” I nodded fearfully.

“They are, but... Once the spell is broken, I won’t be able to control the moon again for a long time,” she replied as Twilight approached.

“We... planned on using them as a last ditch effort.  The Archons should be able to hold back the Shadow Ponies and even Nightmare Sol, but if they can’t, we were going to break the spell and use the Elements,” she explained before nodding, “So if the sun rises, I’ll teleport back to the others and we’ll do what we can with what we have.”

“I’ve already explained to them that they’re to remain on the back lines,” Storm Wing hopped onto the Carriage and nodded, “Trust me, Firewall, we’re as prepared as we’re going to get.  You’re not the only one that can think on the fly.”

“Thank god for that,” I nodded, a tad relieved, “I’m just... I’m just worried.”

“We all are.” Luna smiled, her eyes a tad downcast with fear of her own. “We’ve got what it takes, though.  Let’s... save Equestria.”

“Right on.” I nodded as I hopped beside Storm Wing.

Twilight and Luna boarded, and we were given a sad sendoff by all the ponies watching us fly away.  We promised to be back.  I will say one thing did cheer me up a bit as I looked down at all the ponies waving up at us.  That of Prince Blueblood standing amongst them.  There might be some hope for that pony after all.

As we flew, I recapped everything I knew about the situation to both Twilight and Storm Wing.  Twilight was particularly interested in the parts about Inmanipulon (I know, I used the word.  Blargh.) and how it was a focusing of magic that left magicless spaces in it’s wake.  Storm, actually, didn’t speak.  Not even when I told him that Azure Flora was probably his mother.  He just sat and listened through the whole thing and kept it all bottled up.  You’d think there’d have been a huge DUN DUN DUN gasp moment, but no, not Storm Wing.  As strange as that was, though, I wasn’t entirely surprised.

The trip took a while, as you might expect, but after Storm Wing took the reins, we began to rocket like never before.  He was pushing himself to get this done so quickly, we could all tell.  Still, the results could not be argued with.  Twilight projected a windshield in front of us even and in just a couple of hours, we caught sight of the Everfree Forest off in the distance.  That was when our first obstacle appeared.

“We’ve got company,” Luna was staring off to the side, specifically a large cloud billowing our way from Canterlot.  It was moving fast.  As in, Sky Archon fast.

“Do you think it’s Hot Shot?” Twilight asked.

“No,” Storm shook his head, “Hot Shot’s a Sword Archon.  He’s not very talented at weather manipulation.”

“Probably that Ice Pony,” I nodded at Storm Wing, sighing softly. “Nothing’s ever easy.”

“Nothing worth it ever was,” he countered with a similar nod.

“TREMBLE, FOALS!” a very particular voice boomed from the cloud as it approached.

“Not her.” Luna facehoofed.

I won’t lie, the voice of Trixie still kinda... pepped me up just a tad.  I know, that’s bad.  It’s very bad.  I should probably get that checked, maybe there’s something wrong with me.  Like that would be a huge stretch, right?

“They won’t catch us.” Storm Wing snapped angrily before kicking the overdrive into overdrive overdrive.  So much overdrive!

“Ack!”  I fell back against Luna, who was gracious enough to catch me (The first and only time a pony caught me.  I get choked up just thinking about it!).  I looked up at her with wry grin and chuckled, “Y’know, ponies are going to talk if stuff like this keeps happening.”

“Like they aren’t already,” Twilight rolled her eyes as she looked back out at the cloud, “We’re losing them and... Woah... Storm Wing, S... Slow down!”

Storm Wing is a crazy mother bucker.  He dove right into the Everfree Forest at top speed, weaving amongst those trees like a champ.  I glanced at how close we were getting and immediately opted to not look beyond the confines of the A.S.C.A. afterwards.  I’ll put it this way.  We were going so fast that and getting so close that the trees were losing their leaves and bending with the drag.  I failed to resist the urge to look beyond the looking outside of my ride as I got back up and immediately grabbed Twilight, shaking in fear.  She grabbed me right back as we began screaming incoherently. I remember just hoping my death would be swift.  Luna just looked at her hoof and gave it a casual breath polishing, not worried in the slightest.  Troll.

“OHHHHH MYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!” I screamed as we blazed through the foliage.  This was not good for my heart.  Or anypony else’s heart for that matter.  I was this close to wetting myself.  Compare it to flying a much more maneuverable F-16 through an extra-tight canyon, if you must.

Like a champ, he made a wide swinging break that you’d see in a Burnout game or something, stopping us just a few feet away from the ruins of the old capitol.  Twilight and I were shaking like rattles, still.  When it finally registered that we had stopped moving, I hopped off that Carriage as fast as I could and shoved a hoof at Storm Wing.

“NEVER AGAIN!” I swore, “NOT EVEN TO SAVE MY LIFE!”

“Ha~... Agreed,” Twilight’s legs shook as she stepped off, her voice even shakier, “F-For... Forbidden, Storm.”

“You’re such a pair of fillies,” Storm Wing commented as he and Luna flapped their way off the ride.

“Indeed.  Pony up, kids,” Luna smirked as she landed beside him.  She looked up at the ruins and gave a serious scowl, “Let’s find this guy, pony, whatever, and get back to Appleloosa.”

With that, we began to scour the old city, trying to find this ‘tallest tower’ when in fact; the city was actually quite big.  Thanks to Twilight’s OP self, we were able to get a magic map of the surrounding area and pinpointed it on the far side, away from the castle itself.  What sucked though?  Ice Pony.  We knew we had wasted too much time when the fog began to roll in and sure enough, there he was at the entrance to the tower with Trixie and Azure Flora seemingly working to try and get the entrance open.

“The Anti-Magic isn’t working!” Azure Flora cried angrily, standing just behind her big frost bodyguard.

“Trixie told you to let her try first!” She snapped back, even angrier, “Now, The Great and Powerful Trixie can’t blast the stupid door down because your stupid dust is in the way!”

“They’re here,” Ice Pony announced as we stared at them.

“SUPPLIES!” I cried out happily, “Hey, let’s work together to get the door open!  We wanna see what’s inside, too!”

“Shut up, Firewall,” Luna hit me in the shoulder for my nonsense.  You’d think everypony would come to expect it by now, but I guess not.  Twilight giggled at least.

Hey, I can dream.

“No, no!” Azure Flora grabbed her mane in frustration, “Please!  Hold them back until we can get inside.”

I tried, at least.

“I will,” he nodded before suddenly dashing at us.

“You’re mine,” I heard Storm Wing say before rushing to meet him head on.  I went to stop him, remembering Hot Shot but Storm’s kinda fast so uh... I ended up just having to chase after him.  Even as I covered myself in fire, I knew I wasn’t going to catch him.  Like I said.  Kinda fast.

Funny thing about Storm Wing, he’s a lot stronger than Hot Shot.  I expected it to go Ice Pony’s way when they hit, but Storm Wing actually flipped backwards midflight and bucked him hard.  Like... You could feel it through the ground, hard.  Ice Pony ain’t no pushover, though, and simply halted his backwards ricochet before rocketing back towards us.

While him and Storm tangled, Twilight teleported next to Azure Flora before giving her a buck straight to the face.  Trixie moved to cast but suddenly got shot straight up into the sky thanks to a spell from Luna, who immediately took flight to chase after her.

“Help!” Flora cried out, stumbling back from Twilight whom was taking a physical approach to the anti-magic pony.

I grinned as the Ice Pony suddenly broke away from Storm Wing.  He flew straight for Twilight to blindside her, but I actually got to contribute by blazing up to intercept, catching the giant pony by his tail and using his momentum to swing him around and sling him against a nearby building.  I chased him to it and helped him pick up a little more speed by air tackling him into it, yelling out in triumph as I finally got to hit my first pony that wasn’t Blueblood.

“Firewall, down!”  Storm called out as flew in behind me.  I didn’t question, I just hit the ground as flatly as I could and he punched Ice pony straight through the building’s newly-damaged wall.

“Give it up, Azure!” Twilight demanded, kicking at her again.

“I can’t!” she cried out as she backed away.

“Look around us, you stupid girl!” I yelled out, getting back up and snorting a bit of fire, “How is this any better than what I could possibly do!?  You and The Nightmare are killing Equestria more than I ever could!”

“Eeeep~!”  Luna suddenly flew past me as Trixie came in behind her with a pair of magical purple starry wings, blasting lightning at her.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is better than some dumb princess!” she declared as she started to rocket past me, too preoccupied to bother with anything else.

So, I clotheslined her with an outstretched hoof.  Simple as that.  I wish I could say that was the end of that, but Trixie glared at me after reorienting herself and sent me flying with an extra hateful bolt of lightning of disdain.  And here I was her biggest fan.  I crashed into a nearby crumbling shed, only to cause it to collapse on me loudly but painlessly, surprisingly enough.  I bolted out from under all the debris almost immediately, wondering how I could take such a hit and not be out of it before remembering my fiery aura.  It was obviously playing multiple roles here.  How handy, don’t you think?  I know I did.

“Just... go... AWAY!” Flora yelled, her frustration finally peaking before manifesting a myriad of metal bars that grabbed Twilight and slammed her into the closest building, bending around her legs and neck to pin her there non-lethally.

“Ergh!” Twilight struggled against her bonds to no avail before looking back at me as I paused to catch up on the situation, “Firewall, look out!”

Trixie had caught me with my pants down and was about to give me more of the same when I got my plot saved.  Luna took Trixie’s distraction towards me as an opportunity to blast her against Azure Flora, knocking the showpony out.

Ice Pony came soaring back to her aid.  I decided to interrupt his rescue mission a second time by speedily dashing up the tower’s wall and stopped halfway up to jump off of it and collide into him.  I bounced off of him harmlessly like a pinball, but the crash hit him much harder and his dive was pushed straight towards the ground.  Storm Wing caught him mid fall and expedited the process, brutally driving him right into the dirt.  I landed with a grunt and immediately dashed straight for him, knowing he wouldn’t stay down, just yet.  Sure enough, just as he started to not-so-quickly get up, he was lined up for me to run him back over.  Storm Wing finished it  all off by flying into the sky and crashing down onto him with a large bolt of lightning in his wake.

“No!” Azure Flora shrieked in horror as she shoved Trixie off of her to help her protector.

I let the fire die out around me, amazingly winded from having used all that magic and energy.  Even Storm Wing was breathing hard as he got off the huge Ice Pony and stepped away, still crackling with electricity.

“It’s over, Azure Flora,” Luna called out, landing behind Flora with her horn threateningly bared towards her.

She hung her head in defeat, and we all breathed a sigh of relief.  That wasn’t so bad, right?

“Not... Over...!”

The Ice Pony swung a hoof at Storm Wing, who jumped back in time, landing near me with an annoyed sigh.

“He’s the Jugga’nawt~!” I laughed sadly, shaking my head as I turned the heat back up around me. (Yo weapon have no effect on me, I’m the Ice Pony, B@#$&!!)

“If he doesn’t stay down on his own,” Storm Wing growled, “Then we’ll make him stay down.”

We started to charge at him as he began to slowly work his way back up, only to be interrupted by Azure Flora throwing herself in our path and embracing the Icy Freak protectively.

“We give up, we give up!” she cried, causing us to hit the brakes, “P-Please! D... Don’t hurt him anymore!  We surrender!”

The anti-magic bars holding up Twilight suddenly evaporated, freeing her from her uncomfortable constriction.

“What a relief,” I said with a sigh, putting my fire back out.

“Amen.” Storm Wing nodded.

She began to sob as she pulled his helmet and nuzzled against his face.  His mane was steel blue and his fur was grey as a cloudy sky.  Fortunately, he looked exhausted and mostly out of it.  He tried to get back up, but she forced him back down, her tears turning to ice upon touching his face.

“Stop,” she ordered him, “Just stop.”

“Glad that’s over,” Twilight sighed as she and Luna approached.

“Indeed, I... Wait... It’s impossible,” Luna stared at towards Azure and her protector with a bewildered look in her eyes.  After nearing them, she gently nudged Azure Flora aside as she looked upon the Ice Pony’s face in shock, “Winter Sky!?  But you’re dead!”

“Not dead.”  The voice came from the tower as the doors slowly swung open, emitting a blinding blue light.

For several seconds, we all had to look away before the light finally began to fade.  When everything became visible again, we all watched in awe as a large blue spectral pegasus.  His wings were just as abnormally large as the Ice Pony’s were, though his eyes were much softer and kind.  He was somewhat transparent, but there was no mistaking that he and the pony in Azure’s embrace were almost completely identical.  He stared at each and every one of us before looking to Azure Flora and smiling somewhat.  Flora’s eyes were wide with disbelief, as though what she was seeing were only a cruel trick.

“Merely forgotten.” It’s voice was distant and echoing as though it’s source was somewhere else altogether, “But no longer.  I remember my name again, at last.  I remember everything.”

The armored Ice Pony began to glow a soft grey light before suddenly vanishing, leaving only the light in its wake.  Flora gasped in shock as her hooves were suddenly empty before watching the light flow towards the spectre, and we were all forced to look away again as another great flash of light flickered out from him.  As we all looked back, we saw a new pegasus standing there in white armor with a long, wild steel blue mane and tail.  Hair just like Storm Wing’s.

“My name is Winter Sky, The Shield of Equestria,” he said, his voice and form now corporeal, “And after a thousand years, I have returned.”

Chapter Nine                                                                        Chapter Eleven

Next time on “Through The Eyes Of Another Pony!”

“Oh no!”

“What?!  What’s happening?!”

“Can you not see?!”

“Firewall...”

“Friggin’... … You’re not blind, Storm.  Okay?  When I can make faces at you and you can’t see them, you’re blind.  Until then, you can’t say you are.  Just... visually impaired.”

“Just shut up and tell me what’s going on!”

“The sun is rising!”

~

“NO!  IMPOSSIBLE!  YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!”

“Keep telling yourself that as I tear you out of her.”

“I SAW YOU DIE!!”

“Yeah.  Just like that.”

~

“PORQUE ROSALITAAAAA!!!!”

~

“You know, I don’t think it’s supposed to go that way.”

“Oh, and you’re the expert.”

“Well, I know more about human culture than you.”

“Sonuva... …  Let us not forget WHICH of us is an ACTUAL human!”

~

“I... I think I’m pregnant.  Storm Wing... You’re the father.”

“Firewall, I swear to Celestia, I will knock you out so hard that Luna has to travel back in time to prevent us from ever meeting.”

“Woah.  Is that a death threat?”

“I always wanted to try out time travel.  Go for it, Storm.”

“I object to this line of thinking and all those supporting it.”

~

“Well, I kinda like you.”

“No!  You don’t like me!  You like torturing me!”

“I get the two confused sometimes.”

~

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Final Word Count: 20,786  @.@

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Eleven:  An Underlying Tone Of Chapter Setting In

How to start...  So much to say, it’s been over a month now!  That’s just no bueno!  Let’s start off with some good news, though...

Internet is back very soon!  Thanks to a certain kind soul, that is.  Let us thank him from the bottom of our ponies!  Thank you~!  <3

So, guys...  I’ve had an idea.  A wonderful idea.  A brilliant idea, even.  I don’t want to say what it is, but let’s just say that this idea will change my life forever and has the capacity to change all of your lives, too!  Here in the next year or so, I’ll be able to elaborate more on it.  And once you’ve understood the idea in it’s fullest, you may have one of those moments.  You’ll know it when you see/feel it.  Just keep an eye out for the future.  It’s gonna get hairy!

Next we have this Bronychan vs EQD writing war.  No, I won’t be participating because I’ve got this baby to soak up my creative juices...

Now I’m kinda miffed at myself for failing to achieve an objective.  See, I originally wrote out the first and final scenes of this chapter with the intention of filling everything in.  It failed.  :(  I expected to write a total of nine thousand words and ended up with nineteen thousand words.  That’s no good at all.  Not for the reasons you might think.  See, I want to get good enough at managing my time and effort in this so that I don’t fall behind when certain events in my life start taking off.  If I can’t effectively manage myself, I can’t effectively plan out for future chapters and that just won’t do.  This will be taken care of.  Pronto!

Anyway, I’ve seen a few people talking about bronyism failing due to things like AskPonies shutting down, writers leaving for other projects, and composers moving to different forms of inspiration.  I think such an idea is rubbish.  That is all.  :3

Anyway, Google Docs has screwed around with my process again and the proofie page got a little jumbled.  No big deal, we worked through it and my Proofies have proven to be just as awesome as they always have been.  HAIL PROOFIES!

Didn’t pick up Skyrim.  Nope, I’m a loser that’s saving myself for Diablo 3.  Yeah, you heard me.  I meant every word.

For those of you that worry that I might have rushed, don’t be.  I write as I’m inspired, no matter how fast I’m going.  The only thing a little rushing does is create more typos and sentence structure choppiness.  That’s what the proofies are there for.  :3

“And now the part you’ve all been waiting for!  THE SECOND PART!”

… Errr, Art.  Now for the ART you’ve all been waiting for.  :o  Mah B, Mah B.

Don’t forget to show these guys some love on DeviantArt for all their hard work!  :D

Told you I can pull off looking good in pink...  >_> Spaggotmower on Deviant art, kids!

Let’s guess...  Just how many f***s is Firewall giving right now?  IceStormBoarder did this masterpiece!  <3

Ah, Wrek.  As always, your abilities never cease to amaze me.  Also, Winter Sky is HUGE!  HOLY SHIT!

SirCinnamon decided to make this fit!  AND FIT IT DOES!  

YEY FOR RAINBOW DASH IN COMPROMISING POSITIONS!

Wrek's interpretation of Firewall’s Blazing Speed IS TOO DAMN BIG!  SO HAVE A LINK!

Firewall Is On FIYAH!

AND A FREAKING DRAMATIC READING!  YES, YOU HEARD RIGHT!  HERE IT BE!  GO RYEXANDER!

http://soundcloud.com/ryexander/through-the-eyes-of-another

Bagpipe Brony did this epic song for me!  I LURVES HIM FOR IT!  LURVES, I SAY!  

SONG GOES HERE!

Try to show them your love and comment and rate stuff for them.  :)  They did lots of hard work and they deserve the recognition.  n.n   As always, this fanfic is best viewed through Google Chrome.  Not Internet Destroyer.  Just saying.  

NOW ON WITH THE CHAPTER!  :D

Now, for those of you that need it spelled out, Winter Sky had just made a cinematic return.  A very cinematic return.  Why these special effects weren't in the show, I'm not sure, I guess they cost a lot, but to be fair, there wasn't much violence either (which, honestly, kinda makes me feel bad to this day).

Anyway, there we all were, staring at Winter Sky shining like an alicorn sans the horn.  Truthfully, he looked like Celestia...  Y'know, if she had been a male pegasus with steel blue hair.  I remember my mouth hung open long enough for it to get dry.  The others had similar reactions.  Except Trixie.  She was very preoccupied with being unconscious.  This may come as a surprise, but being knocked out takes a lot of one's attention.

Azure Flora was the first one to react, slowly approaching with wide tear-rimmed eyes.  After a few moments of hesitation though, she rushed to embrace him.  He returned the sentiment, tightly wrapping her in his wings.

"A th...  Thousand years without you," she wept, pressing her face into his armor as she spoke.

"Flora...  I'm so sorry." His voice cracked a little, revealing the guilt he had suffered.

And then they kissed.  Which was like...  Eww, pony-smooching, right?  No, it was sweet and affectionate.  In fact, all this romance was really deflating the urgency of the question that we all were thinking:  Why did we come here again and what was so urgent?  Though the biggest question on my mind was how Storm Wing was going to handle this.  When I looked his way, I was surprised to actually see him gone.  That worried me, because Storm Wing doesn't 'go' anywhere without a bright and loud flash of lightning, which meant he left quietly on purpose.  Red flag, everypony~!

"Ahem," Luna coughed to get their attention, "I'm...  happy for you both, I guess.  However, we aren't exactly making excellent use of our time budget by resorting to PDA.  Not that you guys haven't earned it and whatall."

"Yeah." I nodded.  "We've got problems back at Appleloosa and as much as I want to spend all day asking questions, we gotta roll."

"There is a problem, though,” Twilight pointed out, looking somewhat shy about stating bad news, “Azure Flora won't be able to come with us.”

We all gave her a bizarre look, not understanding until Storm Wing arrived with the A.S.C.A.™ not one moment later.  He immediately planted his butt on its floor like a waiting dog and didn't even look our way.  I got the sneaking suspicion that the family reunion wasn't going to go even remotely well.  Oh, you too?

“Oh.  Right,” Luna murmured before looking at both Winter Sky and Azure Flora, “Lady Inmanipulon probably can't fly on a carriage powered by magic.”

“Derp.” That was me, by the way.  I couldn't contribute much more to the conversation as I was fetching a cigarette and in the middle of lighting it.

“I...” Winter Sky looked torn.  Like...  bad torn.  His vocal decision got delayed, however.  

Specifically by the raising of the sun.

“Oh no!” Twilight cried out as Luna gasped in horror.  I noticed it just in time to light my smoke and promptly let it fall out of my mouth as my jaw dropped.

“What? What's happening!” Storm Wing called out, suddenly up and ready to throw down again.

“Can you not see!?” I responded instantly, mentally kicking myself for letting my mouth get ahead my mind.

“Friggin'...  … You're not blind, Storm, Okay? When I can make faces at you and you can't see them, then you're blind.  Until then, you can't say you are,” I snapped irritably, more angry at myself than him, “Just...  Visually impaired or something.”

“Just shut up and tell me what's going on!” he countered, not in the mood for smartassery.  Which doesn't compute with me.  I have a watch that says 'Smartassery' on all twelve points.  Good heavens, look at the time...

“The sun is rising!” Winter Sky called out before looking back at Azure Flora, “Flora...  … I...”

“It's okay,” she nodded, sadly nuzzling up under his chin, “I waited a thousand years, I can wait a bit longer.”

“I will come back for you,” he swore softly.

“I know,” she smiled up at him.  This was the first time I had ever seen her smile, and I have to say, she's as cute as Fluttershy when she's happy, “I love you.”

And then they kissed again, making us all feel awkward while we waited.  I mean, don't get me wrong, it was epic amounts of D'AAAAAAAWWWWWWWW but their moment of happiness was intruding on our countdown-to-doomsday.  How rude, eh? Ruining my exciting moment with your mushy stuff is not very polite!

“Twilight!” I distracted myself from the affection by looking at her, “This is where you teleport back, right?”

“Ummm...” She was distracted by the kissing.  Apparently Twilight has yet to see shipping in real life.  Damned social lock-ins.

“Twi-chan~...” Luna approached and waved her hoof in front of Twilight's face, “Time to gooo~...”

“Oh!” She snapped out of it and blushed, “S-Sorry!  Right.  I'll meet you all there.”

“Here.” Luna conjured a small anklet and handed hoofed it to her before she disappeared, “Say my name into that to contact me.  That way you can keep us up-to-date on developments.”

“Wow, that's...  actually very handy!” Twilight's curious nature honed in on the toy, “I'll have to analyze it later.  And no more dawdling!”

I resisted the urge to call Luna out on stealing human concepts.  How unfair of her.  I did give her a smirk as Twilight vanished with an echoing puff.  Then I caught the last loose end in the form of a blue unicorn still quite content to lay there, out like a light.  I happily ran over to her and tossed her onto my back before doing the unthinkable.  I put her hat on.  Yeah, that's right.

“Firewall, put that down, you don't know where it's been!” Luna called out to me as I trotted back.

“It doesn't matter where it's been!  It's Trixie!” I pointed out to her before glancing back at the love birds, “HEY!  You're never gonna miss her if you never leave her, y'know!”

Winter Sky sighed sadly before breaking away from her and leaping onto the A.S.C.A™ (which he was nowhere near, actually, so it was quite a leap.).  I saw the hair on the back of Storm Wing's neck bristle quite a bit.  Tense pony is tense.

“Awesome.  One last thing,” I said, turning back to Flora one last time, “Can you throw just a tiny bit of anti-magic on Trixie, here? The last thing we need is for her to wake up and blow up the Carriage.”

She looked my way, mixed emotions coursing through her.  After a moment of hesitation she did as I asked and clamped a small piece of anti-magic jewelery onto Trixie's horn.

“Thanks.” I smiled at her. “Take care.”

“Just...  go, please.” She looked down a bit, still not entirely kosher with me just yet. “I just... can’t.”

I nodded with a wink before making my way back to the Carriage, where Luna was shaking her head at me.

“What's so special about her, anyway?” she asked.

“She's Trixie!” I used the answer to Life, Universe, and Everything.  Forty-Two is roughly translated into Trixie, by the way.  Just so you all know.  Don't ask what language, it just does!

“I don't understand.” Winter Sky seemed to think we were being serious.

“It's best if you just ignore them when they speak to one another,” Storm Wing mentioned off-hand before taking us into low orbit.  Okay, maybe not that high.

“Why do you like her so much?” Luna was genuinely worried, I could tell.  Like there might be something wrong with me.  Which really isn't fair, she's got plenty of things wrong with her.  Such as her desire to troll.  And... Um... I'm sure she has other flaws like...  cough up hairballs or something.

“I dunno.  She's a fan favorite.  She's an egotistical jerk pony with a penchant for magic and meanness.” I shrugged.  “Same reason I like you so much.”

She took a swing at me, but I quickly leaned away, “Careful, you'll hit the Trixie!  Think of how that should discourage you!”

“We call that motivation where I come from!” she snapped, but laid off, failing to resist the urge to smile.  This obviously was not what Winter Sky was expecting, as he just stood there, staring at us with a look that told us he wasn't so confident in his allies any more.  So I decided to involve him in the shenanigans via intense interrogation after gently laying Trixie down, giving her back her hat.

"Okay, since we've got some time to burn on the way there, why don't you fill us in, big guy," I asked with a hopeful smile.  Like I said, intense.  Okay, so maybe the only intense part was how fast Storm Wing was driving us to Appleloosa, but intense is intense.

"Fill you in? On what?" He arched an eyebrow at me.

"Seriously?" I sighed, somewhat deflated from having to lay it out.  "Basically the following: You didn't know who you were, now you do.  Why? How were you able to speak to me? How can-..."

"Let's...  go with one at a time and start with your first one," he said, holding up a hoof to cut me off, "I didn't know who I was because I was fragmented."

"Body, Mind, and Soul," Luna pointed out with a nod, "That explains it."

"The hell it does!" I shook my head as I began to happily pet Trixie, suppressing the inner urge to squee, "Break it down for a human, Tex."

"Very well.  Remember when I told you Winter Sky, or rather, me, gave Celestia his magic in an ultimate sacrifice?"

"Yop." Yop.

"Well, turns out that sacrifice wasn't actually...  lethal," he said with a shrug.

"Something tells me Celestia will be thrilled to no end that she didn't actually kill a pony." I pointed out in jest.

"Oh, no~!  She's not a murderer," Luna drolled on sarcastically, "Just a manipulator.  Not so bad, I guess.  As long as indirect thought control is alright in your book.  Hmph."

"Celestia did what she thought was best, Princess Luna.  I understand, it sounds bad," Winter Sky approached Luna, angrily staring down at her.  He obviously didn't approve of what she was >Implying...  "Being a Leader means having to make difficult decisions.  You may not agree with her actions, but the last thing you should do is undermine her.  Even speaking in such a way can cause a divide that could affect all of Equestria.  Especially coming from an equal authority."

Luna leaned back a bit, not used to such a direct and lecturing attitude from anypony that wasn't her sister.  I blinked, having been quite caught off guard myself.  Some ponies just ooze dominance and authority.  Celestia was one.  Apparently, either her or Winter Sky had rubbed it off on the other.

"If Celestia can choose to do something she feels is wrong for the sake of Equestria, at the very least you can do the same by not voicing a dissenting opinion that could hurt somepony.  All actions have consequences that affect everypony and everything around you.  Even just a snide word."

Yeesh.  Even I was a tad cowed and I was just standing to the side, not saying a word.  Winter Sky had obviously put a lot of thought into this.  Luna's eyes were wide; not with fear, but rather, with shock.  As though she had never considered such a thing that made perfect sense.  I agreed with the philosophy that every action influenced many actions around it, but to live but such ideology could be...  difficult, to say the least.  (Don't smash that spider, it may kill the mosquito that spreads the newest strain of malaria!)

"Apologies," he stepped back and bowed before her, "That was out of line, Princess.  I may stand by my words but it's not my place to treat you in such a way."

"It needed to be said," Storm Wing piped up, still off in the corner, his head propped onto the railing of the A.S.C.A.™ like a BAWSS.

Luna looked chastised more than insulted, in all reality.  After a few moments of silence and deep thought, she replied.

"It's...  fine, Winter Sky," she said with a sigh, "And you're right.  What's done is done, and the last thing I should be doing is stirring up conflict over a well-intended misdeed from a thousand years ago."

"Whew.  That was dicey!" I made a dramatic show of wiping my forehead.  "Now that we're all close friends again, PLEASE, stick to the story.  Mind, Body, and Soul.  What the flip does that mean?"

"Too afraid to drop the F-Bomb, Firedoll?" Luna teased me.

"I'm pretty sure every time I drop an F-Bomb in Equestria, a brony dies," I nodded in all seriousness, "Think of the bronies."

Yeah, I know, I used that line before.  I'm real ballsy like that.  Yeah, I've used that one, too.  I'm real bal-...  ...  Moving on.

"What?" Winter Sky and Storm Wing both said in stereo.  They were both confused about our Earthy talk and not happy about it.

"Nothing." Luna gave them a dismissal wave.  "Explain it for the backwater ape."

"Heeey..." I resented that.  Sorry guys, I don't believe we evolved from chimps.  I find Planet of the Apes to be a more plausible hypothesis than that.  Not that this should influence your beliefs or anything.  I'm just a dude with an opinion.

"That device really has changed you, hasn't it?" Winter Sky tilted his head in confusion before shaking it off.  "As you wish.  Being fragmented is very similar to dying.  Your mind, body, and soul become separated and each enters a state of inactivity.  It involves the magical nexus t-..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa.  You just started to get into technobabble terminology." I waved a hoof to cut him off as he had done me earlier.  Sorry, but ST:TNG has been the only show to pull off technobabble, in my opinion.  "Just...  make it quick, simple and understandable."

"See? Backwater," Luna nodded before sticking her tongue out at me.  I responded by magicking it right back into her damn muzzle!  Bam, woman!  Suffer!  "Hey!"

Winter Sky didn't seem to appreciate me magicking his princess like that and began to go into another lecture before Storm Wing sensed what was going on and calmed the situation a bit.

"Trust me, they do this kinda childish nonsense all the time.  Turns out they're quite taken with one another." He threw a glance our way, smirking just a tad before going back to propping his head up on the railing.

"They..." he blinked before looking at us.  I just sat there and blushed, all flustered.  Luna decided to rub it in and scooted over beside me before nuzzling at my neck.  This led to further loss of composure and I simply smiled sheepishly at Winter Sky, "You realize neither of you are...  the same species, I assume."

"I see a thousand years hasn't done much to dull that razor sharp intellect of yours, Winter Sky," she said with a chuckle.  In retrospect, I think she was doing it just to troll poor Winter Sky, but at the same time, I was getting pony snuggles so...  w00t and all that? You realize how weird it is to say that? I mean, my entire life, Lafter and Stoic have never agreed on a single thing.  And the one time they do, I have the nerve to scoff at their warnings.  I mean, what could go wrong besides EVERYTHING, eh? Eh!? Just to reiterate, this should be proof of how imperfect I actually am.

“And a thousand years hasn't taught you self-restraint, so I guess we're rather consistent,” he countered with a smirk and a shake of his head, “I hope you know what you're doing.”

“I never know what I'm doing,” I smiled off at nopony in particular, looking damned smug about it.  Cause...  Y'know...  Who needs smart when you've got AWESOME, amirite? … Yeah, I don't need a mirror to know my eyes are brown at the moment.

“That's okay, I'll be smart enough for the both of us,” Luna offered before sighing, “Okay, in all seriousness, let's lay it out.  Basically, Body, Mind, Soul fragmentation is where your body, mind, and soul get separated from one another.”

“Clear as mud, glad we had this talk.” I nodded.

She kicked my flank.  That made me sad.  I think I'm going to go back and catalog every Luna-caused wound, cut, and bruise.  Pretty sure I'd have a few dozen pages if I just made a sentence for each one.

“Shoosh, we're not finished!” She snapped, somewhat annoyed.

Then Storm Wing helped a bit.

“It's where your physical form, your life's memories and knowledge, and your actual self and personality get pulled from one another,” he went on to explain, “Without at least two of these, you aren't actually dead, but you might as well be.  You've heard of ghosts? Do they have ghosts on Dirt?”

“Dirt? You mean Earth?” LAWL DIRT!

“Same difference,” he said with a roll of his corn-blue eyes.

“Yes, we've got ghosties, though we typically don't giggle at them.” I said in all seriousness.

Luna failed her Save Vs. Will and snickered.

“Whatever.” If he rolled those eyes any harder, they were gonna fall out.  Not that that would...  blind him or anything.  “If you've seen a ghost, you've seen Mind, Body, and Soul Fragmentation.  But even then, something has to awaken that ghost, which is merely a soul with no mind or body.”

“Okay.  So...  What woke you up, big guy?” I looked to Winter Sky.

“My body was revived, actually,” he replied, “I...  I think David may have finally shaken off the spell Celestia cast upon him.”

“David?” I tilted my head.

“The first human,” he answered with a wing shrug.  Fun fact: Big wings make big shrugs and big jealous unicorns.

“Woah.  Was his last name Xanatos?” I couldn't help myself.  I swear, I think Satan could bust out of the ground and threaten to put me through torment everlasting and my first reaction would be a 'what the hell' or 'what the devil' joke.  I suck at this serious business routine.

“Oh no!” Luna began to giggle. “It's all gone according to plan!  We're playing right into his hands!”

We began yukking it up from there.  Winter Sky looked at the both of us as though we were nuts, which is fair.  I mean, the way we were carrying on, I'm fairly certain we could have been Baker-Act'd (*sigh* Google it...) at any point if the pony psychiatrists of Equestria ever met us.  Storm piped in yet again, sympathetic towards Winter's plight.

“You know, when he first got here, she wasn't that bad.  Neither was he, actually,” Storm Wing went back to looking off the rail, “Ever since they met though, it's been a spiral of immaturity for them both.  Like a...  childlike feedback cycle.”

“It shows,” Winter Sky replied.  They were totally father and son.

“So anyway, what...  You think this David revived your body?” I suggested, not taking the bite to argue for my sanity's honor (Not that I had a hoof to stand on, eh?).

“Precisely.  And that awakened my semi-dormant soul and I began piecing my memories back together.  It was like a voice on the edge of my hearing.  At first I didn't trust it, but eventually I began to obey out of need to try something,” he looked concerned, as though he still wasn't sure he made the right decision, “I first remembered just David and thought you were him.  When you said you did not know how to find me, I began to regret my hasty decision.  Then I remembered...  part of myself.  Not all of it, though.  I began to wonder if I was David when I contacted you the second time while you were wearing my armor.  I was almost convinced that I was when the voice told me about Celestia and that she had placed David under a spell of eternal rest.  What really made it believable was my revived body moving around, causing me to assume that I couldn't have been...  Well...  Me.”

Okay.  So the voices in my head come with their own set of head voices.  Maybe I am special.  (Sup, Dawg!  we heard you like voices in yo head!  So we put voices in yo head, inside the voices in yo head!  So you can crazy, while you crazy!)

“Any idea who or what the voice was?” Luna prodded.

“None.” He shook his head.  “Perhaps the being that brought humans here in the first place?”

“Maybe that's just normal for those recovering from being fragmented?” I offered.

“Nope,” Storm Wing immediately responded.

“Mmm-Mmm.” Luna shook her head.

“No, that's not how it works.” Winter Sky agreed with them.

“Is there a...  book or something...  that I can burn on this subject?” I felt exceptionally stupid.

“No.  Cry some,” Luna teased before looking back to Winter Sky, “Continue.”

“There's not much else to say.  I was able to observe events and continue to piece memories together before I finally, just this morning, remembered that I am who I am.  Then I knew that I needed to guide you and Azure Flora here to revive myself so that I could assist in freeing Princess Celestia,” he answered with a wing shrug, “That, and the voice told me of a traitor in your ranks that would prevent the Elements of Harmony from being used.”

That's when we all looked at him like he was insane.  No pony in their right mind would side with Nightmare Sol unless they were being controlled.  Not that that was out of the question, it's just...  he worded it to sound like somepony was going to willingly go out of their way to betray us.

“Who?” Luna asked, giving him a look of askance.

“All it said was a colt of white and yellow,” Winter Sky shook his head as though that weren't enough.

We all went silent.  We were all thinking it, but nopony wanted to say it.  Finally, Storm Wing took that leap.

“Blueblood,” he murmured.

Luna instantly began to rebuke him and his suggestion, but stopped before looking down sadly.  She had been thinking it, too.  Hard to legitimately bust a guy's chops when you're guilty of the same thing.

“I...  I don't know.  Maybe a year ago, but today? I...  I don't want to point any hooves before it's all said and done.  We got Winter Sky, so things are looking up, right?” I nodded optimistically.  I so did not want to believe that Blueblood would betray the cause after that talk we had.

“Uh huh.  Let me call Twilight and see how things are going, at least.  Let's not celebrate too early.” She lifted up her hoof with the matching ring on it and furrowed her brow after a moment.  “She's not answering.”

“So? Leave a voicemail,” I reasoned to her, “Here, let me do it.”

Without asking, I magicked it right off and held it up to my ear, “Call Twilight Sparkle.”

“It's not supposed to go that way,” she said with a smirk.

“Oh, and you're the expert?” I was disappointed when I didn't hear a ring tone.  “Worst cell phone ever.”

“Well, I know more about both pony and human culture than you do, technically.” She winked at me, incurring my ire as she took back her toy.  Yeah, I was just kinda skittish about the upcoming battle and was trying to pull my usual nonsense of be silly to keep my fears at bay.

“Sonuva...  Let's not forget which of us is actually a human!” I snapped before looking up at Winter Sky, “Women, eh?”

He was not amused.  He looked back out into the horizon without so much as a suppressed grin.  This further deflated me and I simply laid down, sighing softly.  Luna must have sympathized with my plight and simply walked over to stroke at my mane with a laugh.

“Don't worry, Firewall,” she smiled, “Sometimes you're just annoying.  It happens.”

“Sometimes?” Storm Wing piped in.  Yeah, he's a sweetheart like that.  Screw Captain Storm Wing.

“Why doesn't everypony love meh?” I asked sarcastically.

“Well, I kinda like you.” She laughed as she continued to brushie brushie ( /)^3^(\ ) me, which was just making me yawn.  I think I mentioned before that anything that messes with my hair chills me out and makes me tired? That still applies.

“No!  You don't like me!” I called her out on that.  “You like tormenting me!”

“I get the two confused sometimes,” she gently bonked me on the head, “Catch a nap.  You too, Storm.  We need you guys fresh for the fight.  I'll fly.”

“Actually, I'll fly,” Winter Sky offered.  Luna gave a wing shrug and looked back over to Storm Wing.

“Sure.” Storm Wing gave a similar wing shrug and relinquished control over to Sky before moving to the back of the carriage.  Why does everypony gotta rub it in that they have wings, I wonder.  Is it just a thing with ponies that have wings? Whatever.

Turns out he was a tad slower than Storm, but the difference wasn't very significant.  What was significant was Storm curling up and stuffing himself in the corner, smelling extra anti-social.  I pawed on over to him, my body mostly still prone to the floor of the A.S.C.A..(tm) before poking his wing.

“Hey.” I poked again.

“Go away.” He didn't punch me, so that was a good start.

“Nu-uh,” I declined, “S'wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong.” He flapped a zappy wing at me, facing the back of the carriage and away from me.

“My toasty char broil breath there isn't!” I poked again.

“Firewall, I've beaten creatures twice your size for less,” he reminded me, still refusing to look my way.  He's such a kidder.

o/` My little pony~...  My little pony~...o/` I sang as I gently brushed his wing.

“Firewall, leave him alone,” Luna called out as she tucked herself in the opposing corner, “He's not in the mood.”

I pouted at her, but got the princess glare of doom in response.  It's like the Fluttershy stare, only you run the risk of death by heart attack on the spot.  I hung my head and began to paw away from him, before turning back one last time and whispering.

“I...  I think I'm pregnant.  Storm Wing...  You're the father.” I just wanted to let him know.  I'd hate it if our positions were changed and he didn't tell me.  That'd just be inconsiderate.

“Firewall, I swear to Celestia, I will knock you out so hard that Luna will have to go back in time to prevent us from ever meeting!” He finally lifted his head and craned it my way.  He looked so...  angry actually isn't a strong enough word, but it will have to do.

“Woah.  Is that a death threat?” My jaw dropped.

“Ugh!” Luna lifted her head, glaring at us both irritably.  “You know what? I always wanted to try out time travel.  Go for it, Storm.  He's earned it.”

“I object to this thinking and all those supporting it!” I objected!

“Then shut up and leave Storm alone,” Luna ordered before tapping the spot right beside her, “Come here.”

I sad faced at her.  Closest thing I've got to 'the stare' which wasn't enough, unfortunately.  After tapping again, I pawed over to her and pouted.

“Go to sleep.” She demanded.

I rolled over and crossed my hooves.  Then she cheated.  She began to brushie at my hair again.  I was bitter and tried to pull away, but she grabbed my head, pulled it right back, set it where it right where it was before, and continued to knock me out in the softest way possible.

“I hope my snoring keeps you up.” I grumped lazily.

“You don't snore.” How she knew that, I'm not sure.  Maybe she watched me in my sleep? That would be so creepy.  Don't go to sleep~!

“Damn it,” I whined before shortly passing out.

Today's dreams consisted of humanized events of what was actually going on.  I mean, we were still pastel colored, but we were human...ish.  Still had tails.  I'm not into furries or anything, and I'm not trying to say there is anything wrong with them, but...  This was weird.  I'm not going into details, alright? Specifically because my subconscious has terrible ideas on just how...  … humanized ponies might look.  I mean, humanized Luna had...  … I'm actually going to just stop there.  I don't want to hurt anybody.  You can thank me later.

I eventually was yanked from my bizarre dream from Luna shaking me and demanding I bring myself to consciousness.  As per my norm, I wasn't in a rush to get up.

“I wanna ride the pony.” I rolled over.

“You are acting extra stupid today, do you know that!?” She hollered at me.  “Storm Wing, zap him.  Hard!”

“Negative!” I jumped up, wide awake.  Not surprisingly at all, Storm Wing set his hoof back down, looking somewhat disappointed.

“Trixie demands her release!” My favorite egopony cried out.  Apparently, she had woke up and was none too happy about her new jewelry.  I thought it looked great on her, but then again, anything looks great on Trixie.

“Deal with her before I throw her off,” Luna growled at me.

“Her voice reminds me of a tone-deaf banshee I once vanquished,” Winter Sky murmured, looking a little stressed out.

I got up lazily before looking over to Trixie, sitting across the Carriage with her head held high and her eyes refusing to grace any of us with their attention.  I gave everypony a look before sighing and cantering her way, dropping my plot down and looking at her with content smile.

“Hello, Trixie,” I said brightly, “Remember me?”

“Fireball, yes? Remove this accursed ring from my horn!” She barked angrily, narrowing her eyes my way.

“But it looks so pretty on you,” I pointed out to her.  Yeah, I was tired.  I could practically hear the eyes of everypony else rolling around.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not care about its fashionable qualities!” She rebuked my kind words with her own harsh ones.

“Well, Trixie, y'see...  It goes like this...  You lost the fight, champ.  We won.  And now you're, like...  our prisoner,” I scratched at the back of my neck, unable to think of a nice way to put it, “And prisoners...  They don't get to really...  make demands.”

She gave me a skeptical look before turning her pretty blue nose back up at me, “Fireball, you are testing Trixie's patience!  She will not tolerate this for much longer!”

“Trixie, I don't want to have to break out corporal cuddling.  I'd snuggle you into submission and that would just be embarrassing,” I warned her with a sigh, “Especially with Luna watching.  She might kill me.”

“Might?” I heard a certain alicorn pipe in.

“Your threats are hollow to the Great and Powerful Trixie!” she stuck a hoof in my face to show she meant business, “I will say it one last time!”

“Please, let it be the last time,” Storm Wing groaned from behind me.

“What if I told you, Trixie, that I am willing to melt that little ring so that it never comes off your horn?” I offered with a apprehensive nod.

That got her attention.  Both her hoof and jaw dropped in horror as she let that thought run its course.

“Y...  You wouldn't!” Her eyes were wide with shock.

“I'm just tryin' to get you to play ball.  If you had won, I certainly wouldn't be giving you a hard time.” I was such a liar.  “As it stands though, I'm the winner here and you are in the time-out box.  If you want to get out of it, you're going to need to play by our rules until you are released.  Keep up the attitude and loud demands, though, and I will remind you that life can always get much worse.  So, you just sit here, be cute and awesome, and we'll see about getting the ring removed eventually.  You give us anymore grief, though, and I'll make good on that promise.  You're getting the soft-knit glove treatment right now.  Don't ruin it by making me take them off, capiche?”

Aggghhh~!  Threatening ponies was AWFUL on my conscience and the fact that it was Trixie only made it twice as bad!  I cried on the inside a little.  I blame my morning crankiness more than anything.  Or mid-afternoon crankiness, rather.  Nap crankinessnessness.

She started to tear up.  My ears drooped and my eyes widened with unfettered fear as the awful realization began to set in.

“S...  Shit!” I immediately turned and ran behind Luna, “She's going to cry!  Do something!  Give her a treat or something!”

“What?!”

“I'm a freakin' wimp, okay?!  I can't handle girls crying!  I nearly passed out when Scootaloo cried!” I begged and pleaded, grabbing hold of Luna's side and shaking her for emphasis.

“Can't I just knock her out?” Storm Wing offered.

“Yes!” Luna replied.

“No!” I answered at the same time.

Trixie, however, just laid down, turning away from us and hiding her face under her front legs.  At first, I merely wondered if she was going to try and get some sleep or maybe drown us out by covering her ears.  When she began to give off a tell-tale quiver, though, I COMPLETELY fell apart on the inside.  I felt so bad, there just isn't a proper way of summarizing it.  Storm Wing didn't seem to care, Winter Sky was pretty much ignoring us all in favor of preserving his sanity (lest our crazy infect him), and Luna merely looked away, her face scrunching as though she had licked a bleach pen.  My lower jaw was making demands to tremble, so I kinda bit down to deny it the privilege.  It needed to stay put to help stave off the irrational emotional tide welling up within me.

Luna turned to look back at me as my vision got a little glazed.

“Don't.” Her voice was quiet.

“I'm trying not to!” I was two steps from whimpering.

“Firewall, I don't know what's gotten into you today, but I swear to all things pony, you had better not,” she murmured.

Even with Stoic helping, it was incredibly difficult to not disobey Luna.  For those of you that need it spelled out, Lafter, my guilt, and fanbronyism was making certain demands of my tear ducts.  I was not willing to let them, however.  Not until Trixie let out a sniffle.  Then I was forced to clap my hooves over my eyes and let out a sniffle of my own.

“You are kidding me.” Storm Wing couldn't help but snicker at me.

“Shut up, Storm!” I coughed out.  If there's one thing I hate more than being emotionally out of control, it was being made fun of for it.  Trixie's cryin' ya'll...  This is serious business.  Fer’rizzle.

“You had best not be doing what I think you're doing under those hooves,” Luna warned me.

“I'm not!” I lied!

Luna pulled at one of my hooves in an attempt to discover the truth.  I pulled away from her with another sniffle.  Without warning, she magicked my hooves away from my face and revealed probably the most pitiful, tear-streaked face I ever failed to conceal.  She actually glared at me for a few seconds before cracking.  Within moments she went from glare, to neutral, to snickering, to outright laughter.  I didn't see what was so damned funny, that's for sure.  She gave me a hug, still chortling at my expense.

“You are such a loser,” she giggled before kissing my cheek, “You big baby.”

“You're a jerk,” I tried to push her off of me, causing her to laugh again, “Get off me, Jerkicorn.  You're supposed to be a shy sweetheart, remember?”

“I was before you got here,” she reminded me before releasing me with a sigh, “Fine, I'll make it better.”

I wanted to point out that at no point was Luna ever shy, nor was she sweet.  Unless by shy and sweet, she meant bossy and abrasive.  If that were the case, she was pure cane sugar soaked in corn syrup and mixed with concentrated Fluttershy.

With that, she turned and cantered over to Trixie and knelt down beside her.  She gave her a poke with one of her wings.

“Trixie.” She prodded a bit.

“J-Just go away!” Trixie cried out from under her hooves, “Master David was right about you all!”

That's when we all nearly died.  Or maybe just me and Trixie.  More likely just me.  As for why; upon hearing the words 'Master David,' Winter Sky lost all control of the A.S.C.A.™.  I was actually the quickest to regain control of the carriage and right us all before looking his way.

“You are uh...  You're not allowed to drive anymore,” I said quite pointedly, “My sanity’s insurance just went up and I'm already behind on the payments.”

“You know David?!” Winter Sky approached Trixie, completely disregarding my complaint.  “Tell me how!”

She seemed surprised at first, but her face became stern after a moment to collect herself.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not have to answer to a forgotten relic!” she snapped defiantly.

Winter Sky was not pleased by this answer.  He started towards Trixie and judging by how cold the air was getting, I could only surmise that he was going to get his answers out of her one way or another.  Luna stood up, placing herself between him and Trixie.

“No, Winter.” she said, shaking her head.

Winter Sky paused and snorted a bit of frosty steam before offering his rebuttal, “She has information.  Extremely important information.  Information that we need.”

“Trixie is not afraid of you!” Man, she was really trying to get herself into trouble, was she not? “She will never bend to interrogation!”

“We'll see about that.” He took it as a challenge and began to approach again.  I decided to slip between him and Luna (It's a line, everypony, get in it!) before smiling my charming smile.  Though I was much preferring it be less charming and more disarming at the moment.

“Hey now, let's not fly off the handle, right?” I chuckled a bit, hoping I wasn't sounding as nervous as I felt.  “I'm sure we'll get our answers one way or another.  I mean, I agree, we need to know more about the opposition here, but there is no way I'm going to let you hurt somepony so you can get some answers that may not help us at all.”

“You intend to stop me?” he growled.  Man, he really was just like Storm Wing.  At least Storm Wing looked cute and cuddly.

“Uh.  I mean...  If I have to, I guess,” I forced myself to not cower and simply kept a poker face.

Then he lunged at me.  The only thing I could think of was 'WHY!?' as I hit my inner panic button and rather quickly fell into a state of not knowing what the hell to do.  I got lucky, however.  Storm Wing intercepted Winter Sky and bucked that huge pony right in the face.  We were all shocked.  Even Trixie was just standing there, sensing the gravity of the situation, even if she didn't comprehend it's meaning entirely.

“Back off.” Storm was already sauntering back over to his corner.  “Or I'll have to break your promise to Azure Flora for you.”

With that, he flopped back down, preparing himself for more sleep.  Winter Sky was simply reeling from what had just happened.  His son had just stepped between him and a human and bucked him one in the face for stepping out of line.  I don't think he was hurt physically as much as he was psychologically thrown for a loop and confused as hell.

“Why don't we all just agree to shut up and leave each other alone?” Luna suggested for everypony, “Before things escalate even more.”

“Done,” Storm Wing responded from his corner, his voice somewhat flat and tired.

“Y...  Yeah,” I finally gulped as I slid back off to my corner.

Luna looked back at Trixie who nodded cooperatively, suddenly not so eager to antagonize her apparently aggressive captors.

“Great,” she smiled cheerfully, “Winter, take control, we're catching more shuteye.  We're still a couple of hours out, I figure, just wake us up before we get there.”

He didn't respond for a minute, but he finally got around to it after I let him take control, “Yes, Princess.”

I curled back up for more sleep, ready for this trip to be more than over.  When I felt silky soft mane using my midsection as a pillow I looked up to see Luna making herself comfortable.

“What happened to 'leave each other alone?'” I asked with a smirk

“What happened to 'shut up?'” she countered and shut her eyes, “Deal with it.  Just try not to cry on me or something.”

My poor abused feelings.

“You two can it already,” Storm Wing groaned sleepily.

I gave up and simply allowed my anxiety to be put on hold long enough to pass out.  Luckily, this one was dreamless.  As weird as they were getting, I count myself fortunate that it wasn't otherwise.  It wasn't much of a deep sleep, fortunately.  I say fortunately because I was rudely interrupted, yet a second time.  I think I'm like...  two for nine naps on uninterrupted sleep so far.  Those are terrible odds.  Eight out of nine is just not good enough, so to have a quarter of that is just downright pathetic.

“INCOMING!” Winter Sky yelled out, waking us all from our slumber.  I'll say this, his yelling voice is mighty, indeed.  It shaketh the foundation of the earth!  Or maybe just the A.S.C.A.™, but such details were meaningless at the time.

We were instantly awakened, one and all.  It scared me enough to wonder if I should just jump off and save everypony the trouble of worrying about me.  That was a Lafter thought, and after receiving his lashes, he promptly went back to his little corner and was told to shut the buck up.

“Shadow Archons!” Storm cried out before taking off with a crack of lightning.

Sure enough, as I oriented my surroundings, I spotted several dozen Shadow Pegasi and a few Shadow Archons off in the distance.  I felt my insides tighten up in fearful anticipation in record time.  I looked to Luna who smirked at me, silently assuaging my worries.  She then nodded over at our captive pony, wordlessly telling me to look her way.  When I did, I expected to see Trixie to look hopeful or defiant, even.  In all actuality, though, she just looked sad, as though she wasn’t excited about the possibility of a rescue.

“You okay, Trixie?” I just blurted the first thing that came to my mind.

Trixie looked down and sighed, not speaking right away.

I swapped glances with Luna, a tad confused.

“Best of luck,” she finally replied.  More swapped glances between confused ponies took place.

I would have pressed for what the matter was, but we were out of time.  As the first Shadow Archon closed the gap at amazing speeds, Storm Wing zoomed up behind it and lit it up with one nasty taser hoof.  After holding it there for several seconds, he bucked it away and let it go into free fall.  I gasped and watched it plummet over the edge before it finally righted itself and strained to make its landing as safe as possible.  Not sure how I would have reacted to seeing a pony fall to its death, but I doubt I would have simply shrugged it off.

“Firewall, take the carriage!” Winter Sky commanded before leaping out to intercept a second Shadow Archon.  I caught control and took the A.S.C.A.™ low to the ground.  As the Shadow Pegasi began closing in, Luna began blasting them away with rays of magic, her accuracy pretty solid, all things considered.  Trixie cowered to the back, as though she was more fearful of the situation than we were.  I guess this is where I tell you about red flags, but honestly, it’s pretty obvious.

“Princess Luna!” Twilight cried out, from absolutely nowhere.

That threw me off for a second and my first reaction was to completely dismiss the possibility that I was insane.  I’m a fire-breathing pony?  I’m flying on a magical carriage in the land of Equestria?  Voices in my head?  Yep, all was normal.

Luna lifted her hoof and spoke into her shiny phone-bracelet thing.

“Twilight!  We're under attack by the Shadow Ponies!  Are you alright!” she yelled out, pausing to telekinetically toss one of our attackers into one of the others, causing them to barrel over a third.

“Appleloosa is under attack, too!” the bracelet replied, “We're doing our best to fight them off, but their numbers are practically endless!  Nightmare Sol is being held back by the Sky Archons for the moment, but they're starting to tire.  We need help!”

“I'm on my way,” Luna replied before looking at me, “Firewall...”

“It's fine.” I nodded back at her, turning my head long enough to incinerate a Shadow Pegasus, “I'll be okay.”

She ran up to hug my neck tightly, “Stay safe.” (That actually made me feel a thousand times better...)

“I will, now get outta here,” I leaned on her a tad before looking back at the Shadow Pegasi tailing us.

She nodded before kissing my cheek and stepping back, her horn began to softly glow, “Just remember, you gotta protect Trixie.”

Trixie looked a tad confused.

“Where I come from we call that motivation!” I replied with a sad smile, eventually shoo’ing at her with a hoof, “Go.”

With that, she vanished.  I felt sick, deep down inside.  I mean, everyone dreams of going on adventures and all, but what people don't realize is that the fears you never had to face will grip your heart and squeeze it like a vice.  Your breath comes short and your awareness is impossibly focused to a degree that is disorienting.  Doesn't make sense in words, but yes; such intense focus can literally bother and cause the untrained mind to stumble over every last little thing.

I took a long deep breath, shaking off the worst of it before reminding myself that everything would be okay and that ponies would triumph!

“Well, Trixie, it's just me and you.  You ready for this?” I smiled back at her.

“I...  I don't...” She looked up, her eyes filled with worry rather than her usual exuberant confidence.  Her fear, though unexplainable at the time, was unsettling.  I had to fix that.

“Hey!  None of that!  Let's try again: Is the Great and Powerful Trixie ready for this!?” I turned to face her a bit more, scowling a tad to compliment my determined grin.

She looked utterly baffled for a few moments before standing up and nodding, throwing her cape back with a haughty laugh.

“Hah!  It is they who should be asked if they are ready for the Great and Powerful Trixie!” She cried with a stamp of her hoof.

“Hells yeah!” I yelled and stepped on the gas.  I tuned out everything else and focused on aiming for Appleloosa as hard as I could.  Funny thing about flying? Just because you can see it off in the distance does not mean you are close.  Still, I aimed to get there as quickly as possible.

Due to my focused attention, I didn't notice the Shadow Pegasus that landed behind me until it was already there.  It struck at me with its hooves, grazing my flank and sending sensations of pain throughout me that I had never experienced before.  Instinctively, I bucked it away and to my surprise, Trixie pounced on it right away, stomping on it until it POOFED!  away.  She looked at her hooves with a grimace, examining the black marks it had left on them before showing me a pained smile.  I wasn't sure why she was against the Shadow Ponies, but I wasn't complaining.  I rubbed my own offending spot with my tail and was relieved that the pain was already fading away.

“That was close,” I murmured as Trixie made her way to the side to see if more were headed our way.

“Hah!  The foals cannot even keep up!” Trixie hung her head out and gazed at the Shadow Pegasi falling behind.

“Woo!” I glanced back just long enough to confirm before facing forward again, “Homefree.”

It pretty much was, too.  With me able to outpace the lesser Shadow Ponies and the greater ones occupied by Storm Wing and Winter Sky, there was nothing to do but keep rolling.  I pulled out a cigarette and lit up, prepared to stay on task for the next twenty or so minutes as I closed the gap.  As I began to pass over the orchard, I heard Trixie shriek.  I was struck with nostalgia, remembering how she screamed when the Ursa Minor crashed Ponyville.

“Archon!” she ran up to me and pointed out into the sky.  I remember my first encounter with an Archon altogether.  It went something to the effect of BAM! and today was no different.  In the time it took me to turn my head and see the Shadow Archon, he was already tackling me.

This sent all three of us flying off the carriage and out of pure impulse, I grabbed Trixie.  I kid you not, I rolled my eyes as we began to fall, enraged that this was the third time I would take a fall for another pretty pony.  I think I need to get myself checked, this is an unhealthy habit I’ve developed.

“Last time I do this,” I groaned just before thudding into the ground.  Guess what, everypony!  Habitually taking falls from semi-dangerous heights doesn't get any easier with repetition, “Judas on a ho...  Why me?”

“Why did you...  ...” Trixie was kind enough to get off my poor whimpering form and was staring down at me, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I groaned as I slowly got to my feet, coughing from having all of my breath knocked out of me, “I do it...  all the time.”

The Shadow Archon landed nearby with a thunderous crash, flicking it's tail in anticipation.  I was wondering why it didn't strike right away while I was recovering, but it became obvious that it was waiting.  I glanced at the Cutie Mark and noted the fiery comet.  It was Hot Shot.  He wasn't a mindless Shadow Pony, he was a living, thinking creature that was being controlled.  And he wanted a fight.

I narrowed my eyes and looked to Trixie, coughing one last time, “Trixie, get to Appleloosa.  Tell them I sent you.  If they want to arrest you, let them.”

“What!?” She wasn't cozy to that idea.  Who would be, right?

“I'll come find you when I finish up here and vouch for your release,” I promised her with a smile, reaching over with my hoof and pulling the ring off her horn.  I instantly felt much cooler all over, temperature wise, that is.  I dropped it and felt the magic rekindle almost instantly.

“But what if...  I can't just...” she murmured, her eyes downcast, “I can’t.  I’m sorry.”

“Do it!” I snapped impatiently, “It's okay!  Everything will be fine!  Promise!”

She blinked, a tad taken back.  Shadow Shot (I don't want to call him Hot Shot, but he's not just a Shadow Pony either.) gave a loud stomp of his hoof, not enjoying his wait.  She looked his way, then back to me before taking off.  There was no way I could force her to do as I said, but there was always hoping for the best, amirite!?

“H'okay,” I sighed before looking back to Shadow Shot, cutting a glare his way, “You want a fight don't ya, buddy?”

I don't think he could speak, but he reared up and stomped down, flaring up a gout of shadowy lightning around himself.  He was eager to get it on, it seemed.

I pulled out a cigarette and lit it, taking a long drag before smiling, “Yer gonna get one.”

With that, I went into my flame form and took one more drag before incinerating it.  As though the starting gun had been fired, we dashed at one another.  I spat a fireball at him, causing him to veer off his path and land against a tree before using it as a brace to launch himself at me.  I turned towards him before diving on my side, skidding under him as he just barely soared overhead.  I took a page out of Storm Wing's book from his race with Dash by snagging Shadow Shot's tail and yanking him down to the ground.  Without waiting, I pounced onto his back and forced him to the ground, stomping on his left wing to pin him down.

Not a bad start, right? It didn't last.  You know how a goose can smack you with it's wings and break your arm? That's called a wing buffet (not the 'all you can eat' kind, either).  Yeah, that applies to pegasi.  He caught me in the neck with his other wing and snatched the other out from under me, causing me to stumble.  He literally cartwheeled (apparently Pinkie Pie has the makings of a Sky Archon) away from me, catching me under the chin with his retreating hoof as he put some distance between us.  He took advantage of my disorientation by doing a body check, knocking me back into a tree, which I bounced off of like a hacky sack.

“Every moment I live...  Is agony,” I coughed painfully, blinking to alleviate the haze that was plaguing my eyes.

Even with my fire shield going on, that hurt.  A lot.  You know those silly cartoons (Ya best start believin' in cartoons, Miss Turner.  YER IN ONE!) that have the character just kinda stumble around after they got their face clocked for some reason? That actually happens.  I spent the next four seconds just trying to not fall on my face after getting up.  Shadow Shot was obviously not a pushover, therefore I needed to take things a little more seriously.  Just as my head began to clear, my opposition took off at me in a soaring lunge.  I snarled and simply turned up the heat before dashing right back at him.  I had no intention of playing chicken, however.  Instead, just before impact, I turned on a dime and bucked a huge cloud of dust at him.  It worked with Nightmare Sol and sure enough, it worked with him.  He went headfirst into the dirt cloud, coming out to greet my fire-wreathed front hoof.  The impact actually hurt my entire front leg, so I can only imagine how he felt about it.  He tumbled back a few paces, looking as though he was no longer entirely awake.  I simply jumped at him, busting him in the face once more before he got wise enough to jump back and take flight.

“Come back here, you yellow whore!” I shouted profanely, belching a wave of fire at him, to which he responded by dodging and diving back at me.  He was fast enough to make a quick tag and get away before I could get back at him.  That 'tag' however, was taserific and forced me to give an almost girly shriek once I seized up.  He gave it a second try and I responded by dodging away and slapping his extended hoof with my tail, searing it pretty nicely.

I began to pant.  I wasn't tireless by any stretch of the imagination and getting a powerful jolt of electricity has a tendency to suck the strength out of you.  This back and forth was cool and all, but I couldn't do this forever and judging by the way Shadow Shot was suddenly taking a less dangerous avenue, it seemed he wasn't so certain about his own chances either.

“Had enough?” I smirked, causing him to snarl and fly above the trees.  At first I thought he was running away, but I was quickly proven wrong when he came crashing down at me.  I just barely got out of the way in time and did not hesitate to start running when he zipped back off into the sky.  He chased me throughout the orchard, trying to crash down on top of me several times.  Luckily, I was fast and maneuverable enough to make myself a difficult target, but that didn't mean I wasn't in danger.  It wasn't long before I got tired of this and decided to get a little creative.  He wasn't being subtle about waiting to attack; simply floating around lazily until he had a decently safe shot to take.  So I spotted a nearby tree and dashed for it, making a tempting beeline for him to get a lead on me.  Sure enough, he took the bait and came for me, trailing a line of black lightning in his wake.  As he did, I sprinted up the tree and used it to ramp off of, flying straight at him.  He wasn't ready for that.  Nor was he ready for my front hoof connecting just under the jaw.

“SHORYUKEN!” Yup, I think that officially qualifies me as a nerd.  It was a dream, I made it happen.

He was mostly out of it, for which I was grateful.  As he smacked and bounced along the ground, I landed with a modicum of true grace for once, suppressing my urge to squee at the copious amounts of awesome I had just pulled off before running over to make sure he was out.  Sure enough, I had beaten me a Shadow Archon.  He wasn't completely out, but he wasn't struggling any more, that much was for certain.

“Good game.” I pat him on the head before letting out a relieving sigh and taking in my surroundings.  We were at the edge of the orchard and the town was in sight.  Things were turning out pretty spiffy, so far!  As I began to leave, though, Shadow Shot actually started getting to his feet and took haphazard flight.  I thought he would fly away, but he actually flew way over me and began to make his way into town.  I took off after him, looking for a way to ground him again before it became less of a priority thanks to what I saw upon entering the city.

It wasn't...  horrific, I suppose.  That doesn't mean it looked great, either.  A lot of ponies were being carried by less wounded and though I was extremely relieved to not have to face the reality of death in Equestria, that didn't make it any easier to hear the crying.  It had been a lull in the battle, which I was grateful for.  I did not want to do anymore fighting, especially now that I was beginning to feel the damage.  As I made my way through town, I noticed a lot of ponies were stopping to stare at me.  I ignored them at first, but as it became more and more apparent that I had something on my face, I simply paused and looked around.

“What?” I tilted my head, “I get some toilet paper on my hooves or something?”

I checked.  No TP.

“Firewall?” I heard a familiar voice come up from behind me.  I turned back to see Applejack staring at me all wide-eyed.  I was a little worried when I saw the black smear over one of her eyes.  Guess she got into a bit of fighting herself.  What was surreal was how her eye color was gold rather than green.  Other than that, she seemed perfectly normal, so I didn't like...  stare and call her a freak or anything.

“Hey, AJ.  Why...  Why's everypony staring at me all weird-like?” I asked her with a tired chuckle.

“It is you!” she cried, “Firewall, why're ya on fire, sugarcube!?”

“Oh!” I had entirely forgotten to let that die out.  With but a thought, the flames dissipated, “Sorry everypony!  I'm not actually on fire!”

Most everypony went about their business after they realized they didn't have an invader or victim on their hooves.

“It's good to see ya,” Applejack smiled at me, having calmed down considerably.

“You too.  That doesn't hurt does it?” I nodded at her mark.

“Not as much anymore.  I reckon it should be fadin' here soon enough anyway.” She gave a chuckle, rubbing her eye with a hoof.  “Applebloom thought it was the coolest lookin' thang she ever saw.”

“The gold eye does look kinda cool,” I agreed with a smile, “Where's everypony else? And did no one see that Shadow Archon flying overhead?”

As though I had triggered somepony's queue, Starlight and Shadow Shot crashed into a nearby bale of hay, tangled up in a fight.  I actually moved to help her until I realized that it was entirely unnecessary.  It wasn't a fight that was going down.  Rather, Starlight was clinging to Shadow Shot and he was tiredly trying to pull away from her.  What was odd was that he was going out of his way to not hurt her.

“Starlight? E...  Everything okay?” I asked, not knowing what else to do.

She ignored me.  She merely held fast to her one-time friend and kept her eyes shut, occasionally rubbing a tear or two off on him.  I felt so out of place just watching.  Applejack tugged on my tail to get my attention.

“Let's uh...  Let's let them be, sugarcube,” she pointed out, implying there wasn't any danger.

I hesitated until Shadow Shot slowly gave up resisting and began just breathing softly.  Soon after, his eyes changed from gold to his usual deep purple.

“I love you, Hot Shot,” Starlight murmured quietly.

Okay!  Now we were definitely intruding on personal time!  Friends was not the appropriate word for what Starlight and Hot Shot had, it seemed.  I simply turned around and blinked for a few seconds.

“That was surreal.” I said as Applejack led me away.

“It's been back and forth all day.  We were doin' just fine with the sun down, but somethin' happened to the Rhyme that Twi and Luna made,” she said lowly, guiding me into Town Hall, “Them dark marks were fadin' pretty quick at first but now they're startin' to last longer and longer and it's gettin' harder and harder to save ponies that have been shadowed.”

That likely had something to do with Nightmare Sol and the sun rising, I thought to myself as we entered the building.  The main building was filled with lots of ponies that I did and didn't know.  Most of the Sky Archons and all of the Mane 6 were present, along with Luna, Cookie, and Nurse Tendercare.  Luna was surrounded by the Archons who were taking orders, but two things caught my attention specifically.  The first was noticed by Stoic, which was Twilight Sparkle covered in dark marks and walking very tentatively.  The second was noticed by Lafter, which was Sweetie Belle sitting next to Rarity with a breakfast plate before her.  It had eggs.  EGGS.  As worried as I was about Twilight, I was completely blown away by eggs being eaten by ponies.  What...  The hell.  I mean, I thought these guys were herbivores.  The wonderment passed eventually and I ran over to Twilight who was crawling up on a bench to help make herself comfortable.

“Twi, omigosh!” I helped her onto the bench, “What, did you decide to run out to the front lines or something?”

“Firewall!” She exclaimed tiredly and happily, “You made it.”

“That's exactly what she did.” Rarity humphed irritably as she brought Twilight a few pillows to help rest herself upon.  “We've been using the Town Hall as a stronghold but when the Sky Archons began to tire from battling Nightmare Sol, she ran out through all the Shadow Ponies to help drive her off.  Why, if it had not been for Princess Luna, we might have lost her!”

“Twilight!” I ever so gently bonked her head, causing her to giggle a tad, “You're too important to take risks like that!”

“I know, I just...  I had to help them,” she murmured in an apologetic voice, “I know it was dumb.  A stupid risk, really.  If I had got shadowed while I was out there, we wouldn't be able to use the Elements of Harmony.”

I stepped up to the plate and delivered humor for relief!

“I was talking about Season Two, but I guess that’s a good point, as well!” I joked with her a tad before sighing sadly, “Are you okay?”

“Yes, it doesn't hurt as much anymore,” she assured me with a smile.

“Twi's tough as nails!” Rainbow Dash approached with a laugh, socking Twi in the shoulder and causing her to wince.  “Oops...  Sorry.”

“It's fine, Dash.” She nodded with a grimace.  “And I'll be fine soon enough.”

“Yeah, well, no more unnecessary heroics, okay?” I pleaded.  “They give me gas.”

“Oh, well, for the sake of your stomach.” Twilight rolled her eyes playfully before looking behind me.  “Looks like somepony wants to speak with you.”

I turned to see Luna right behind me, tapping a hoof impatiently.  I could imagine what was going through her head, but judging by the fact that she was within my proximity, I probably wouldn’t like it.

“Twilight, is this buffoon bothering you? I'll have him thrown out,” Luna offered with a smirk.

Rainbow Dash held up a hoof, “I'll do it, Your Highness!”

“Yeah, I've got yer buffoon right here, Luna,” I said while giving Dash a half-hearted shove.

Twilight began to laugh some more before finally replying, “No need, I'm feeling extra tolerable today.”

“Yeah, Lunatic!” I raspberry'd at her.  Her response was to grab my tongue with her hoof and give it a tug.

“I'm just going to borrow this for a second.  Get some rest, Twilight.” She began to lead me away by my tongue, which is quite possibly the most uncomfortable method to be led around by.

Everypony said their farewells as I sputtered and attempted to wave back at them.  After leading me up to the second story of the Town Hall, she finally showed mercy and released my tongue.  After flapping it about a bit to alleviate the numbness, I gave her a sour look to which she laughed before speaking.

“Sorry, had to get you up to speed and I wanted to speak to you without everpony listening in,” she explained with a smiling sigh.

“You could have just asked?” I frowned sadly at her, to which she batted at me with her wing, “Stop!  Jeez, you are so abusive!”

“You'll live,” she stated with a wing shrug before getting somewhat serious, “Firewall, one of the Elements of Harmony is missing.  And so is my nephew.”

Funny how two sentences can drain the silly right out of you and replace it with worried apprehension.

“What about Silverheart and Whirlwind?  Weren't they guarding the Rhyme and Elements?” I narrowed my eyes as I asked.

Luna shook her head, “I can't find them either.  Nopony has seen any of them since the sun rose.”

My blood ran a little cold as I began to wonder, “That's...  Weren't the girls supposed to be with them?”

“They were until Twilight ran outside to help against Nightmare Sol,” Luna confirmed with a sigh.

I spoke softly, looking about to make sure nopony else was around to hear, “Luna, be straight with me.  Can we make it through this without the Elements of Harmony?”

“If I had to guess right now?  No.” Her eyes lowered.  “I would not bet on it happening.”

“Great,” I facehoof'd before taking a deep breath, “So we have to find the missing Element and retrieve it if at all possible.”

“It’s still nearby.  As soon as the sun rose, Nightmare Sol fled the battle so I'm told.  Apparently, she knows that if we use the Elements of Harmony on her, this battle is over.”

“Okay, wait.  Break the whole thing down for me.” I asked wanting to get as much of the situation in my head as was possible.

For the next two cigarettes and twenty or so minutes, she painted the picture for me.  More or less, the ponies had piled into the Town Hall while the non-combatants fled for safety amongst the buffalo tribe.  Why The Cutie Mark Crusaders weren’t there too, I’ll never know.  Regardless, the battle went well.  It went very well.  It went so well that they even pushed out of the Town Hall and began to truly put a dent into the numbers of the Shadow Ponies.  Eventually, Nightmare Sol knew she would have to get involved to win this battle and made a counter push.  Even with her arrival, though, the fight had mostly been a stalemate without either side gaining ground due to the fact that Nightmare Sol had been outside of the sun for too long (Apparently she's like Superman in that regard or something).

Then things took a turn for the worse.  One of the Elements of Harmony (specifically the Element of Magic) was stolen and the Rhyme of Eternal Night was broken.  As the sun began to rise, Nightmare Sol and all of her Shadow Ponies became stronger and were making a big push.  Eventually, the ponies were all forced back into the Town Hall except for the Sky Archons which were the only thing keeping Nightmare Sol from reducing the entire building to rubble.  Under the sun's light, however, Nightmare Sol seemed to be tireless while the Archons were not.  So Twilight “OP” Sparkle took it upon herself to lay down the Equestrian Law by getting the jump on Nightmare Sol, blasting her out of the sky.  She took a lot of hits from Shadow Ponies in the process and was only just barely saved by Starlight and a group of brave ponies driving them back long enough to get Twilight inside.  Nightmare Sol came back once more but was met with Luna, whom had been spending the last three nights under the light of the moon and single-hoofedly repelled the next attack all on her own.

“I don't suppose you could do that again?” I asked with a chuckle.

“Not so much,” she said with a look of chagrin, “It took a lot out of me and while she exhausted herself just as much, she's in the sun and will have the strength to strike again before too long.  I won't regain that kind of strength back until Moonrise.  I doubt she's going to wait that long.”

“Then let's find that Element.” I gave a nod before smiling.  “We got this.  We better, anyway.  I don't think my poor heart could take it if we botched this up.”

“You're not going to cry on me again, are you?” she said with a laugh before drooping her ears and lowering her head.  “Since I may need to cry on you first.”

“If you gotta, you gotta,” I said with a smile, stepping forward and pausing, “Um...  How does one go about nuzzling in a comforting way.  I don't wanna screw this up and send mixed signals.  'Firewall, I appreciate the gesture but now is not the time~!'”

She blinked several times, somewhat thrown off by the question.  After a few seconds she finally fell into laughing and bonked me on the head with her hoof.

“You're so dumb,” she giggled before nuzzling at me in what I can assume was the proper way.  Not that I can say that for certainty, nopony ever took the time to break down the subtle nuances between pony cuddles and pony nuzzles.  

“I am not.” I sighed with a reluctant smirk.

“GET HER!” I heard a pony shout out from downstairs, followed by a lot of racket and a showpony crying out.

“Shit!” I shouted before turning and bolting down the stairs, “Let'r go, let'r go!”

I had called it.  Apparently, Trixie had indeed made her way into Appleloosa and was hiding in a brown cloak to mask her identity.  When I had arrived, she was being held down by a Storm Archon while another one bound her hooves.

“Fireball!” she cried out pitifully, “Help!”

“Help?” Luna was walking down the stairs behind me.

Yeah, I probably should have warned some pony about Trixie, but to be frank, I didn't think she would do as I said.  Still, I didn’t appreciate the way those Archons were handling my Trixie.

“Archon.  What's your name?” I asked of the tawny-coated, silver-maned Archon holding her down.

“Summer Wind,” she replied, a little confused.

“And yours,” I repeated the question to the other Archon.  I liked her look.  She was a dark rich green with a forest green mane and tail.  I had figured out by this point that the Artillery Archons didn't wear much armor if any, and the Sword Archons were the ones that were covered in it.  She was one of the former with a Four-Leaf Clover and a golden horseshoe on her flank.

“Lucky,” she answered with pride.  Of course she was.  She was extra lucky!

“Lucky!  I like it!  Because you are indeed lucky that I've restrained myself!” I said dramatically, not so amused anymore, “It really is your lucky day!  That's great!  Now let her go before we start testing your luck, eh?  We've got more important things to worry about!”

“Like what?” Lucky asked me as she released Trixie, who scrambled over behind me and next to Luna.  Luna was still trying to figure out what had happened and what I was doing.  Wasn't too sure myself, I don't exactly think these things out.

“How about we hunt for Royal ponies?  I found mine!” I reached out to tag Luna, earning a roll of the eyes from her, “Your turn.  I guess you're going to have to find Prince Blueblood.  Blueblood?  You here, brony?”

At first I was getting skeptical looks, but it wasn't long before it finally started to sink in that he wasn't present.  Everypony began murmuring questions to one another on who had seen him last.

“Oh, he seems to be missing,” I pondered aloud.

“Who is missing?” That annoyingly haughty voice came from the entrance.  We all turned our heads to see one dirty looking Prince Blueblood carrying Whirlwind on his back.  Silverheart entered just beside him and began to scour the crowd as though looking for somepony.

We all stared for a few seconds before Lucky smiled sheepishly. “Found my Royal pony!”

Apparently she is Lucky.  Who knew?

“Blueblood, where have you been?” Luna asked, her eyes betraying her suspicion.

“I was...  … If you...  Must know, I...” He looked embarrassed.  Not guilty.  Just...  Ashamed, “I've...  I've been in the garbage.”

Looks like somepony got their flank... *shades* Trashed.

 “We were ambushed by somepony with a sleep potion.  I got a glimpse of him when he came downstairs, but...” Silverheart let her voice trail off, still scanning the crowd before continuing,  “Last I saw before passing out was Prince Blueblood jumping our attacker.  When I woke up, the three of us were stuffed in the garbage outside near the food line.”

Luna and myself were both quite relieved.  It wasn't Prince Blueblood that stole the Element of Magic.  My little pony prince was growing up to be quite the hero!  Now he just needs to master the part where he succeeds in his heroic endeavors.

“Then who is the White and Yellow colt that sabotaged the Rhyme?” I asked aloud.

“Trixie, are you with us?” Luna looked at the Showpony who immediately looked away.  “Who is the traitor?”

“Woah, why is Trixie with us?” Silverheart asked, somewhat surprised.

A lot of ponies made noises of similar confusion on the matter.  I guess Trixie isn’t as popular amongst ponies as she is with humans.

“For now, Trixie's playing on our team, okay?  Right?” I looked back at her.

“Y...  Yes,” she nodded, still refusing to look at us, “But...  I...  I can't help you.”

“Bloody...  Why not?” I asked of her.

“I just...  Can't.” She winced away from me as though I were going to hit her.  “I promise, I-I just can't!”

“Are...  Are you under a spell, Trixie?” Luna asked, taking note of how Trixie was now grimacing.

“I'm hungry!  Where's the Food Line?  Who do I talk to about food here!” she shouted abruptly, raising a hoof to her head as though she were in pain, “Get me a chef!  Or a...  ...”

Trixie suddenly knelt down as though she were in pain, crying out rather suddenly.  If she weren't sweating, I would have thought she was just acting, but there was no mistaking that something was definitely wrong.

Luna stiffened all over before looking around frantically, “Cookie!”

“This is hardly the time for food,” I leaned over and murmured, trying to figure out Luna's angle as to why she was playing along.

“Shut up!” She ordered impatiently before yelling at the Archons, “ARCHONS!  BRING ME COOKIE!  NOW!”

Archons of all shapes, sizes and colors went into motion, scaring everypony else.  After a few seconds of almost complete silence, the sound of a broken window pierced the air and was quickly followed by Silverheart's voice.

“Here!” she cried.

I bolted to ‘here’ and to my surprise, Cookie was fighting to get out of a busted window with Silverheart yanking on his tail and pulling him back in.  I was so sad on the inside as I realized what it all meant.  Then I felt stupid for not picking up on the earlier clues.  It had been rather obvious, I just never stopped to consider the possibility.

“Damn it,” I whined as I cantered over to grab him by the mane with my mouth and yank him along to Luna with Silverheart's help.

“Yellow and White.  Not a White Coat and Yellow Mane...  White Mane and Yellow Coat,” Luna clarified as she helped Trixie up, “I should have known.”

We tossed the chef pony down in front of Luna, where he gave up struggling and just looked away with sadly.

“You were in Canterlot.  Yet you somehow got here with the Ponyville citizens long before you should have.” Luna growled at him.

Applejack look horrified to say the least and when Cookie caught sight of her, he lowered his head and shut his eyes.  I was sad, too!  No more candied carrots!  Porque Rosalitaaaaaa~!!!

“What do you have to say, Cookie?” she snapped angrily.

“Thank you, Trixie,” he murmured before looking up at Luna with shame, “You are...  braver than me.”

What a bizarre thing to say, I caught myself thinking before looking over to Trixie who nodded happily at him.  Then I herped the derp and realized that's why Trixie was shouting about food.  She was giving us clues and luckily Luna was smart enough to pick up on it.  Thank God it wasn’t all depending on me.

“Who are you working for?” Luna asked scathingly, “The Nightmare?”

“I...  I can't,” he looked back down.

“You know who else keeps saying that?” I said aloud, bringing attention to myself, “Azure Flora.  You know who else also kept saying that?”

“Trixie,” Luna nodded, having also made the correlation, “Is The Nightmare your master?”

“N...  No,” Cookie replied, wincing a tad.

“Is it David?” I asked next.

“I just...  I just can't.” He shut his eyes again, grimacing even more.

“It is him.” I nodded before looking up to Luna.  “It's the other Human.”

“SHADOW PONIES!” The voice of the current Archon on sentry duty interrupted everything we were doing.

“Silverheart!  Take these two downstairs and keep them from leaving!” Luna pointed at Trixie and Cookie before turning to everypony else.  “Everypony that can help, get ready!”

“Thank you, Fireball.” Trixie smiled at me as she was led away.  I considered telling her she was still getting it wrong, but I figured I should just let her keep calling me that until somepony else corrected her and made her feel silly.

Such pointless thoughts were quickly replaced by an urgent need that I was reminded of when I looked over to see Twilight, who seemed to be feeling quite a bit better.

“Luna, we've got to find that last Element.” I pressed for her attention as Silverheart took the two ponies to the cellar.  “Leave the battle to Starlight.”

Luna looked conflicted for a moment but eventually nodded before calling out, “Commander Starlight!”

Surprisingly enough, she was walking through the South entrance, helping a very tired yet less shadowed Hot Shot walk.  She looked up at the sound of her name and helped her significant other to a nearby bench before rushing over to Luna.

“Yes, Luna?” She purposefully did not use the word princess or highness.

“We need to use the Elements of Harmony, but to do that, we need to find the Element of Magic,” she explained quickly, “I'm leaving you in charge while we find them.”

“Understood,” she replied with a salute, “I'll take care of everything.”

With that said, everypony began to disperse except a small skeleton guard for the Town Hall and those too weary to fight stayed behind while Me and Luna began to think of ways to track down the Element of Magic.  Obviously we couldn’t ask Cookie since he literally couldn’t tell us, and the alternative would have been to go out into the warzone and start tearing down Appleloosa.  I don’t think I have to tell you that would have not blessed us with any results within our needed time frame.  However, knowing what we couldn’t do didn’t help us as we were more needing to know what we could do to find the stupid thing.

“You can’t try scrying it or something?” I pressed as she continued to wrack her brain.

“That doesn’t actually work!” she countered with a huff, “Just let me think!”

I began to pace back and forth, trying to think of something more helpful.  Firewall uses Think!  It’s not very effective.  .  .  So I just decided to pull out a cigarette.  I did not like how I was doing nothing while the ponies were fighting outside.  After a few minutes, I became impatient and decided it would be better to be useful elsewhere.

“Look, you see what you can do, I’m going to go help the others,” I announced, heading for the entrance, looking at the ponies guarding it to keep Shadow Ponies from entering.

“I...  I’m trying, Firewall!  I really am!” Luna protested, running up beside me, “Please, just give me some time.”

“I know you’ve got this,” I smiled back at her, “Come find me when you’ve got something.”

I nodded at the guards who opened the door for me.  Now, you’d expect I’d go outside and fight but as it turned out, the fight came to me.  Specifically in the form of in-flight Shadow Archon!  I freaked out, thinking I was under attack as I fell back and tumbled to a stop in front of Luna.  As it turned out, it was simply in flight because it had been bucked that hard.  By Applejack, surprisingly enough!  She galloped in and tackled the Archon, holding it down as my vision began to clear up.

“Fluttershy!  Hurry up, darlin’!” she shouted out.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” Fluttershy squeaked timidly as she flew in.

I got up as the Archon struggled and simply ran over to help hold him down.  Applejack nodded at me with a smile as Fluttershy approached.

Luna arched an eyebrow, “What are we all doing?”

“That’s a good question, why are we-OW!  Why are we holding down this here Archon?” I asked, getting my answer right away when Fluttershy knelt down to nuzzle at the Shadow Archon.  I blinked in confusion.  I’m a big advocate for pony love and all, but this was a little much.  Not to mention the timing!  As I opened my mouth to comment on this, however, the Shadow Archon almost instantly puffed back into a girl-pony who slumped down tiredly.

“Great job!” Starlight flew in and sighed down at her newly freed Archon, “Good to have you back.”

“What was that!?” I tilted my head in shock as we released her.

“Oh...  Um...  I saw a hurt Shadow Pony.  He...  He looked so sad and I felt so bad for him...  I just felt compelled to...  Go help him up and...  give him a hug and it um...  It turned him back,” Fluttershy explained, timidly kicking at the floor as though she should be ashamed.

“Indeed, it was almost instant.” Starlight nodded.  “And Applejack doesn’t seem to be affected by the touch of any Shadow Ponies.”

“Woah.  So the Element Bearers have special powers?” I blinked in shock.

Luna’s eyes were wide as saucers.  None of us could have anticipated such a turn of events, but that rocked, to be sure.  I smiled at her, to which she gave a contemplative scowl.

“What about the others?  Rarity and Rainbow Dash?” Luna asked, looking back to the others.

“Ah ain’t seen what Rarity does but Ah’ve seen Rainbow Dash’s trick!  Rainbow changes any Shadow Pony she touches into a...  Rainbowy Pony that attacks other Shadow Ponies,” Applejack said with a crooked eyebrow, as though it made no sense to her, “We haven’t been doin’ much fightin’ before now, but we’re really makin’ a difference!  C’mon Fluttershy!”

“Oh!  Right,” Fluttershy said with a smile before cantering for the door, pausing by me to hold up her hoof.  At first I didn’t get it what she was doing until she poked it at me.

“Flutterbrohoof!” I shouted and clopped her hoof, to which she smiled more brightly and flew out.

“We might not even need the Elements of Harmony if this keeps up,” Starlight gave a hopeful smile before saluting, “Stay safe.”

I turned to help Summer Wind to a resting bench, speaking to Luna as Starlight left, “Maybe we should just help in the battle and worry about the Element later?”

“I’m not so s-...” She began to say before Rarity bucked the door back open, interrupting her.  The guards gave a look as though they didn’t even know why they were there anymore.

“Twilight!” Rarity cried out as she ran past us.

From across the Town Hall, Twilight tiredly lifted her head with a wince, “Rarity?  What’s wrong?”

I opened my mouth to greet Rarity, but needn’t bother for she ran right past us all and aimed her horn at Twilight.  Without a word, she shined for a moment and one flash later, Twilight was cleaned of all her black marks, her look of pained fatigue replaced with confusion and wonder.

“Hah!  Rarity, you are amazing,” Rarity took the time to marvel at her own greatness.  I couldn’t blame her.  I was marvelling at said greatness, too!  Rarity pony is best pony!

Twilight slowly slipped off the bench before smiling at her clean hoof.  She hugged the other unicorn with a cheer.  Me and Luna simply stared in awe as they danced about for a few seconds.

“So, I guess...  They could always do that?” Luna blinked in shock before taking on a skeptical expression, “This just seems...  off.”

“Shhh!” I waved a hoof at her angrily.  “Don’t jinx it!”

“Since when could the Elements of Harmony manifest in ANY fashion without each other!?” She gave me a cursory glance.

“Are you complaining?” I returned the look.

“I suppose not, but...” Her voice trailed off, “I know I saw Applejack with a shadow mark earlier.”

I recalled Applejack’s mark over her eye and how novel it looked.  I stammered a bit, attempting to justify everything before throwing out the reliable catch all.

“It’s Magic!  I ain’t gotta explain shit!” I cried, earning an unimpressed look from Luna

Twilight ran out of the Town Hall, opening the doors once more as the guards simply gave up and went outside to join in the fight.  It wasn’t like everypony wasn’t going to go in and out all day, anyway.  Rarity began to run to other ponies with their own marks and began cleaning them off similarly.

“Let’s go and worry about the Element later.  Best to press the advantage while we have it,” I said with a smile.

She sighed and gave a wing shrug, “I can’t think of any reason not to!”

With that, we ran outside and weren’t entirely surprised to see the battle being pressed further and further away.  I mean, I could just sit here and describe how we dived in and started pwning pwnies but really, it goes like this.  Firebreath here, Shiny magic there, Shadow Pony goes POOF!  unless it was a converted pony, in which case we’d just hold it down until Fluttershy showed up.  As for her touching Shadow Ponies, it was never explained to me until later that converted Shadow Ponies cannot convert other ponies.  Just the ones that go POOF!  and stuff.

I mean, I know this is Equestria and things don’t just die and such, but I was still amazed at how much we were starting to push back this tide of shadow.  Once the numbers shifted in our favor, the Shadow Ponies began to run away.  That’s when Deus Ex Machina appeared.  See, I was very focused on kicking Shadow Butt, so the interruption scared me.  It was not an interruption that I was prepared for, not to mention it was very sudden and in the form of Pinkie Pie jumping on my back squealing with delight.

“Fire!” She cried, hugging my neck from behind, “I missed you!”

Just because I’m a pony doesn’t mean I’m a mount.  It was degrading.  But Pinkie does what she likes and if you think you can stop her, just try.  You will fail, as many have before you.

“Pinkie!  I’m busy!” I whined, trying to shake her off, which caused her to cheer happily and wave her hoof around as though she were riding a wild bull, “Gerroffme!”

“Heeheee!!!” She wasn’t going anywhere.

I gave up and just sat there, utterly tamed.  “Okay.  Whaddya want?”

“You’re a winner!” she said with a laugh, “The nice voice said this belonged to you!”

With that, she plopped something onto my head.  It felt like hair band and all at once I began to both squee and panic.  I threw it forward off my head and sure enough, I was right.  Twilight’s Crown of Magic.  I just kinda stared at it in a freakishly happy sort of way.

“You don’t like it?” Pinkie deflated a bit and lowered her head beside mine, pouting a tad.

“Pinkie, if I fail to resist the urge to kiss you, don’t tell Luna,” I murmured very somberly as I picked it up with a bit of magic.

“Omigosh, she’ll banish me to the sun!” she shrieked sarcastically before bonking her head into mine, “So what now?”

“First, you tell me about this voice in your head,” I looked at her with a smirk, “Brain voices are bad.”

“You had brain voices!” She accused instantly, bouncing on my back a few times to emphatically indicate me as the subject.

My jaw to dropped before instantly going right back as I shook my head, “I’m not going to even ask how you know that.  Just tell me about it.”

“Well, it started talking to me and Rarity and Dashy and Applejack and...” She started to list off on her hooves as though she were counting on non-existant fingers.

We got derailed by retreating ponies that almost ran us over.

“NIGHTMARE SOL!  GET BACK EVERYPONY!” I heard Commander Starlight shout above the commotion, “ARCHONS, FORM UP!”

“Crap, we’re out of time!” I panicked a tad, “Quick!  Go get the other Elements and bring them to us!”

“Okie Dokie Lokie!” She nodded before spurring my flanks with hooves that had no spurs whatsoever, “AWAY, FIREWALL!”

I sat there, taking the time to glance back at her irritably.  One awkward moment later, she hopped off with a pout, giving me a playful shove for not going along with it and running back for Appleloosa.  I gave a relieved facehoof before spotting Rainbow Dash and using my fiery speedy thing to catch up to her.  No, she wasn’t going very fast and that’s the only reason I was able to head her off.

“Dash!” I cried, cutting her off.

“Woah!” she hit the brakes and looked down at me with a curious look, “Firewall, you’ve gotta warn somepony before rushing up like that.  I nearly bucked ya, y’know?”

“You’ll live!” I rebuked her complaints!  “Get the others, Pinkie’s going to bring us the Elements of Harmony!  We’re gonna end this!”

“Awesome!” Her eyes lit up like a beacon and without any hesitation whatsoever, she sped off to find the others.  Long story short (too late!), I had to give that stupid explanation to Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Luna and Starlight.  Individually.  I got so tired of having to spout it out that I made a promise to knock out the next pony that asked me.  Then we started waiting for Pinkie Pie.  

The Archons were proving to be the best time provider ever.  I mean, Nightmare Sol was doing her damndest to try and take them out, but there was no denying that she couldn’t land a hit.  As fast as they were, she was having trouble just trying to focus on anything.  Every time she’d look at an Archon, it would be retreating as another one came in and took a shot at her, distracting her from the target.

“So uh...  How long can they keep that up?” I blinked, mesmerized by the spectacle.

“Not forever.” Starlight looked around for somepony. “How long ago did you send Pinkie Pie?”

“Long enough for her to have grabbed a snack on the way there and back.” I gave an irritated sigh.

Finally, Nightmare Sol decided to just ignore the Archons, which really, was the best thing she could do.  Instead, she made a beeline for the city, trailing the pegasi warriors behind her.

“Um...  Um!  Dash, go get Pinkie!” I ordered as my eyes widened.

“On it!”  Whoosh!  Rainbow colored dust cloud suddenly where Dashy once was!

Next thing I did was run over to Applejack and lift her hat up.

“What in the hay do ya call yerself a’doin?” Applejack leaned away from me to no avail as I hid the Crown of Magic under it.

“Shush!” I demanded before looking at Rarity and Fluttershy, “Just play it cool, girls, we just might get through this.”

Fluttershy cowered a bit before taking refuge behind Rarity who was putting on a brave face, despite the fact that she was likely just as scared as we were.  I mean, this was it.  Last stand, no point in running, just go for the slug out and see who wins, right?

“We’ve still got the Archons,” Starlight reminded us as she watched Nightmare Sol fly closer and closer.

“Indeed,” Twilight nodded before taking a deep breath and letting it out, “We just have to hold out.”

Nightmare Sol noticed us as she neared and altered her flight path, aiming right for us.  Luna stepped out in front and gave a snort, not intimidated in the least.  That made one of us.

“This battle...  IS OVER!” Nightmare Sol cried out before suddenly turning back to the Archons and unleashing a blinding light at them.  My sweet useless eyes!  As the light faded, in place of all the Sky Archons were Shadow Archons.  I could feel the sweat beading up all over my body.

She began to guffaw in that cliche villain laugh thing that all villains do when they’ve pretty much won.  I guess the bad guys get their Dues Ex Machina’s as well.  The Archons formed ranks behind her and began snarling eagerly.

“I...  I can’t...” Starlight was reflecting my sentiments of hopelessness.

“Shall we discuss terms, Princess Luna?” Nightmare Sol drifted down slowly to land before us, smiling like...  well, Trollestia to be honest, “Surrender yourself, the human, and Commander Starlight.  If you do, I shall spare the other ponies, allowing them their freedom.  Oh, and the Elements of Harmony.”

“Not going to happen!” Twilight shouted angrily, her eyes glowing threateningly.

“Such a terrible way to speak to your teacher, ‘Dearest Student’,” Nightmare Sol chuckled before glancing at me with a smile, “Surely you would like to spare as many as possible, Firewall?  Think of the ponies that would go free if you gave yourselves up.”

I lost all of my unease and hopelessness in an instant, snarling angrily, “Remember when I told you I would be the one to destroy you?  Because I do.  And nothing has changed since that day.”

“Foalish human.” She snorted angrily before turning back to Luna.  “Stop this charade, Luna.  This is over.  It’s time to be a leader and put the lives of your subjects ahead of your own.”

“Shut up!” Luna stomped with a glowing hoof, shaking the ground about us, “You’ll get us when you take us!  The only surrendering I’ll be doing is when I surrender to sleep after a long hard day of thrashing your flank from here back to Canterlot!”

“Do not make me laugh!” Nightmare Sol chuckled before taking another step forward.

“Hey guys, I found Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash suddenly arrived by air with Pinkie Pie in her hooves.

“And I found the Elements!” Pinkie Pie declared in triumph as she kicked her legs gaily.  Surely enough, she had all the necklaces draped over her own neck.

“NO!  ARCHONS!  DESTROY THEM!” Nightmare Sol did not like this development at all, however the next one was even more surprising.

“I think not!” The voice of Winter Sky came down from above, causing us all to look up just as he landed betwixt us all.  The dust kicked up shrouded him like something out of DBZ for a few seconds, “It’s been a long time, Nightmare.”

“No...” Nightmare Sol stepped back quite a few times.  “I don’t believe it.”

“Believe it,” he gave a laugh as a wave of his wings blew away all the dust, revealing him and all his pony glory!  I got that tingly sensation all over.  Duel of the Fates started playing in my head and everything went still for a few seconds.  And I mean everything.  The Shadow Archons, Me, Luna, The Mane Six.  Even Dashy forgot to land and start handing out the Elements.

“NO!  IMPOSSIBLE!” Nightmare Sol shrieked as she began to emit a sinisterly golden glow, “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!”

“Just keep telling yourself that as I tear you out of her,” He murmured as his armor and coat began to frost over, causing steam to trail off of his body completely.

“I SAW YOU DIE!” She roared in disbelief.

“Yeah,” He crouched down, ready to break into a gallop, “Just like that.”

“I’LL MAKE SURE YOU STAY DEAD THIS TIME!” She bellowed before rearing up and stomping, causing light to burst from the ground around her, “ARCHONS!  TAKE NO PRISONERS!”

Everpony suddenly burst into motion.  Twilight magicked the Mane Six to her and projected a shield around them as they began to pass the Elements of Harmony out.  Luna, Starlight, and myself put ourselves between them and the Shadow Archons, daring them to make the attempt.  And attempt they did.  They completely ignored Winter Sky and went straight for us.  I lit my fire shield as Luna’s horn began to glow and Starlight’s feathers became electrically charged.  It wasn’t too necessary, however, since Storm Wing decided to make his own dramatic entrance right on top of the lead Shadow Archon, putting him out of the fight.  Altogether, that made four of us versus roughly twenty Shadow Archons.  I didn’t stop to count, sue me.

Winter Sky and Nightmare Sol went right at it, creating quite a racket for us to fight to and utterly drowning out my awesome Star Wars head music, but that really didn’t matter so much.  I wasn’t able to catch the first half of their fight due to the fact that we were holding back the Shadow Archons, but really we weren’t trying to win.  Just buy time.  We did alright.  I mean, it was so chaotic, I can’t even remember most of what happened, but we did our job.  I remember lots of hoof swinging, shouting, fire, lighting and light getting tossed around.  One particularly amusing thing I remember was a bunch of Archons tackling Storm Wing and trying to overbear him.  Then they all sucked more lighting than is healthy for one’s lifestyle.  My best contribution was when they began to ignore us and attack the shield, I hopped on top of it and covered it in fire, forcing them back long enough for the girls to finish powering up the Elements.

“Get back everypony!” Twilight called out, queueing us to all get out of the way.

“NO!” I heard Nightmare Sol cry out as I jumped off the shield and ducked down, covering my head with my hooves.  Not sure why, it’s not like it was a grenade or anything.  (THE FRIENDSHIP RAINBOW GRENADE!  When thou lobbest thine Friendship Rainbow Grenade thou shall countest to three!)

The shield dropped and out of it burst a rainbow that shot straight into the sky.  It twirled a few times, blinding us all with it’s awesome and win before soaring back down to the ground.  It was like magic!

“Not again!” Nightmare Sol took flight and flew away from the Elements of Harmony’s Rainbow as it beamed after her, followed closely by Winter Sky.  It slowly caught ground as we all stared in wonder.  I decided to give it a little help and aimed a stream of fire to cut her off.  It almost worked, but the idea quickly spread to the others who began trying to trip her up.  Aeriel targets are quite evasive, sadly enough.  Shortly thereafter, the Shadow Archons all took flight and began to literally throw themselves in it’s path.  To their credit, it did slow down upon overtaking every Archon, but it simply regained it’s speed after they exhausted their numbers to buy Nightmare Sol a little more time.  Time that she used to fire a beam of light down at us.  Or rather, the Elements of Harmony.

“No!”  I quickly stepped up to the plate of stupid heroics and threw my shielded self in it’s path, getting knocked back and crashing into Fluttershy and Applejack, breaking the spell.  I would have taken the time to berate myself, but I was busy writing on the ground like a worm on a hot plate.  That light was intense.  Break out your SPF 2,000,000 for when you go out in that kind of light.

“Hah!” Nightmare Sol flared brightly in triumph as the now-cleansed Sky Archons gently floated to the ground.  “You have not yet won!”

Cliche Villain lines.  Why must she?

Thankfully, Winter Sky tackled her and drove her down into the ground right in front of us before us.  (That’ll teach her to cliche around us!)

“Use them again!” Storm Wing yelled out before jumping in to help fight, quickly followed by Luna and Starlight.

“Get back!” Winter Sky roared, planting hoof on Nightmare Sol’s face and another on her wing to help keep her pinned, “She’ll turn you if she gets the chance!”

Nightmare Sol pulled the same trick that Shadow Shot had pulled on me and struck him in the face with her spare wing before bucking him off and jumping to her feet.

“What a marvelous IDEA!” She immediately blasted a wave of light at Storm Wing, who barely got out of the way in time.

Winter Sky was back in an instant, body-checking her into the air before blasting her away with a thunderous flap of his wings.

“Stay back, she can’t turn me,” he quickly explained before taking flight.

I continued to shiver in pain, only barely able to keep track of what was going on before getting a helping hoof from Luna in the form of that awesome healy trick that Celestia had used on me way back in the day (Fine, so maybe it was just a week!).

“Why’s he immune?” Starlight asked as Storm Wing angrily stomped, not happy with being unable to help.

“Who knows?” I said with a groan as I got to my hooves with the help of Pinkie Pie and Rarity, “Thanks.  Whatever, let’s just pop her with the Elements again.”

“Right.” Twilight nodded and looked at the others.  “Ready, girls?”

Luna started to speak, looking somewhat fearful.  She cut herself off however and simply nodded at them.

The girls gave assorted sounds of consent and agreement before forming back up for TWICE THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY!  As they began to crank it back up and go all floaty, however, they quickly fell back to the ground.

Luna sighed as she walked over to help Applejack back up, “The Elements are exhausted.  I figured that would be the case.”

“Well, now wadda we do?” AJ’s expression was a mirror of Storm Wing’s:  Angry frustration.

“I don’t know.” Luna shook her head before turning back to watch the battle between Winter Sky and Nightmare Sol.

Really, it wasn’t much of a battle.  It was a beating.  Winter Sky had once told me the Princesses weren’t chosen for their ability to fight.  Sky, however, obviously had been chosen for that very thing.  Every spell she threw continued to barely miss its mark, every movement she made provided Sky with an opening to strike, and every break in combat only allowed him to get more of an edge on her.  Brutal was only a shadow of a description of what was taking place here.  However, despite his overwhelming advantage, Nightmare Sol wasn’t showing any signs of fatigue or wear.

“I am limitless in the sun!” she declared, flaring her tail at him, to which he swerved around and yanked her down by her hooves.  He then froze her wings and aimed her downward, driving her as fast as he could towards the surface.

“I am invincible!” She began to laugh as the ground neared, no longer struggling against her attacker.

He ignored her gloating and simply followed through, crashing her into the ground so hard that she dug a trench with her body as he continued to drive the force behind her.  For a moment, we all stood and watched, a silent, unmoving audience witnessing this event.  It was almost painful to continue observing, if you must know the truth.

“No, you aren’t,” Luna murmured softly before looking back to all of us, “Twilight, can you give me whatever magic you have left?”

“O-Of course, Princess,” Twilight nodded, immediately focusing on her horn.

“This a one pony thing or can we all pitch in?” I asked, walking up beside Twilight.

Rarity approached from the other side of her, “Of course you can, Firewall.  It’s easy; one simply needs will it to happen.”

“Can’t hurt,” I said with a grin before winking at Luna, “Let’s do it.”

And so I got to find out what it was like to go completely bereft of magic.  Even the Inmanipulon had not completely robbed me of everything like this.  It was like I was suddenly freezing all over.  All at once, everything I had went straight to Luna, along with Rarity’s and Twilight’s likewise donations.  Luna began to shine a soft silver light that only grew in intensity as she looked up at the eerie red sun.  No big flash, no loud thunderous blast, just a twinkling sound as the moon slowly drifted forward to block out the sun, darkening the land with its shade.  (Our Magics will block out the sun!)

“Amazing,” Starlight uttered as she watched the spectacle.

Poor Storm Wing couldn’t see it, but he at least understood what was happening.  At least, that’s what I assumed, judging by the big smile on his face.

“I...  Can’t hold this for very long...” Luna’s words were forcefully strained.

I totally understood the sentiment.  I was giving everything I had out of hopes that it would help, but I was already pretty well spent.

“Now!  Finish it!” Storm Wing yelled out to his father.

“N...  No!” Nightmare Sol cried out, suddenly eager to get away from Winter Sky.

I expected Winter Sky to shout out VENGEANCE!  or JUSTICE!  or something awesome like that.  However, he opted not to speak.  Instead, he became transparent and ghostly before flying after his target.  He struck her like a freight train but rather than her being knocked away, there was a quick flash that didn’t blind us for once.  It was like the flicker of a camera, really.  What happened next was twice as awesome as blocking out the sun.  It was as though he passed right through her, and in fact, he did.  Only Celestia was falling to the ground and The Nightmare was with him rather than her.  He hurled it to the ground not twenty feet from us and chased it the entire way, flashing brilliantly like a strobe light.  The same light that Luna had used to coalesce it into its armor-like form.  As expected, it had the exact same effect and within moments, it was completely solid.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” It shrieked in that disembodied voice as he continued to close the gap, still flickering brilliantly.

“That’s game, Nightmare!” I shouted victoriously.

I should have just kept my mouth shut.  I know I totally jinxed it.  You probably thought the same thing.  Because I did.  Just before impact, a sky-blue blast of light seared past from behind us all and struck Winter Sky back.

“Trixie!?” Luna cried out as we all looked back.  There she was, staring at us sadly with Azure Flora and Cookie in tow.

I did not approve. “WHY!?  What do you think you are doing!?”

Storm Wing lunged at them, only to get blocked by a wall of Inmanipulon that Azure Flora created.  She quickly wrapped it around him, rendering him pretty freakin’ helpless.

Luna aimed her horn at them, but held back from firing just yet, “You ARE under a spell aren’t you!”

The three of them looked down at the ground, all in unison.  They looked as pitiful as you could possible manage.  I would have felt sorry for them if I hadn’t been so agitated by the interference.

“Uhhh,” I ran over to Storm Wing to try and help him out of his bindings.  It wasn’t a cage as much as it was a metal sheet, “Help?”

“Starlight, keep an eye on them,” Luna ordered as she moved over to help me pry it open.

“I’m sorry...  I can’t,” Starlight murmured softly.

MORE FEELINGS OF DREAD!

“What!?” I turned to her, “When did you get bewitched!?”

“I can answer that.” Another disembodied voice!  How quaint!  Why, you can’t throw a horseshoe without some ghostly voice telling you you’re doing it wrong!

A thunderous black portal opened, matching the ones that Trixie and Azure Flora had been using in the past.  Through it walked a human.  Not just any human.  It was Harry Potter!

Okay, maybe it wasn’t Harry Potter, but the dude had one hell of a resemblance.  He was tall, lanky, raven haired, and was wearing a fleece maroon sweater.  Yes, he even had the stupid glasses, though they were rectangular in shape.  Sorry, I can’t make this shit up.

“It was when Starlight traded her freedom for Hot Shot’s,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone, “Just like Cookie had done for his little sister, Sugar Dust.  And when Trixie traded hers for power and Azure Flora had done for the revival of Winter Sky.”

“David!” Winter Sky got back up and flew over, landing right in front of the human, “I knew it was you!”

“Sky.” He sighed with a reluctant smirk.  “A thousand years has been too long, old friend.”

Chapter Ten                                                                                Chapter 12

Next time on “Through The Eyes Of Another Pony!”

"Whoa.  Personal questions.   Can't you just ask me what my cup size is or something?  I could handle that."

~

“I’m not comfortable being hoofed there!”

~

“Dude, they’re still family.  Man up.  Show some love.”

“The only family I’ve ever known is Princess Celestia!  Returning after a thousand years of absence changes nothing!  My love and loyalty will go where I say it goes!”

~

“It’s not your place to judge him.”

“I know, that doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.”

“Get over it.  I’m being serious.  This isn’t your run-of-the-mill family drama.”

“No, but it’s still hurting everyone involved.”

~

“It’s time you and I had a chat.  Alone.”

“You know how many times I’ve heard that today?  Seriously guess.”

“Um... Three times now?”

“WRONG!”

- - -

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

By CardsLafter

Chapter Twelve:  You And I Need To Have A Chapter.  Alone.

Okay, whew, what a chapter.  It was a doozy, that’s for sure.  Having working internet feels like having running water again.  Only more necessary.  I hope to keep it, this time.  Even with family mooching off of it.  >:( C’est la vie, amirite?

Anyway, I’d like to apologize for the last chapter.  At the time it seemed just fine, but after going back and rereading it, I can safely say that rushing does indeed ruin certain things.  If only I had been more patient.  Oh well, you guys will survive.  I might not, but really, who cares about me!  Everything will be just fine and dandy!

A new artist has hit the hall of fame using only two pencil images.  His name is Mick.  He’s amazing.  Trust me.  I’ve had a few more artists show up and they’re good in their own respective rights, but Mick’s a gem.  I look forward to inspiring more cool stuff out of him.  >:3

Next up is a Storm Wing chapter, really.  Lots of focus on the little guy, it’s time we gave him a bit of spotlight.  He could totally use one.  You might not care that much about him, but I love him, I think he’s great.  Don’t worry about this chapter being very rushed, it was actually done quite with a lot of love and care.  A few of my proofreaders have called it my best/2nd best chapter, yet.  I honestly think it’s my best one.  It’ll be hard to top this bad boy, that’s for sure.

Blargh, had an internet disconnect, nearly wasn’t able to get the chapter out!  :O  Luckily, I’m awesome and fixed it!

Anyway, I have a question for the readers!  If your favorite writers all went to a certain website and started posting original work for everypony to read for free, would you check it out?  Keep in mind, it would have to be purely original, so yeah...  

Times are good.  Very good.  Actually they’re meh, but I am still very happy.  All I need is somepony to give me a million bucks and I’ll probably do nothing but write for the rest of my life.  XD  >.> No, you probably shouldn’t give me a million dollars.  o.o

Blargh, enough rambling!  Let’s roll the clip!  Enjoy the amazing fan art!  You guys will love the hell out of these, I have no doubt.  Also, bust Wrek’s chops for giving us nothing for this chapter.  He’s a bloody slacker!  X3

First up!  FIREWALL MADE IT INTO A VIDEO GAME!  HOW AWESOME IS THAT SHIT?!  He’s the super secret final boss.  When somepony told me about this, I thought he was full of crap/trolling.  Then I felt totally  stupid when I found out otherwise!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03IP2LcC6ms

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvG8zs25P7M

By Chaos8r8ker!

ON TO THE FAN ART!  

As always, best viewed through Google Chrome...

IT’S SO GOOD!  IT’S SO GOOD!  That, kids, is what the A.S.C.A.™ looks like.  Brought to you by Mick!

Jesus, Mick, I don’t think you could have made him look any more badass if you tried.  o.O  More from Mick!

Bitches don’t know about my awesome hat!  >:D  SirCinnamon everypony!  Applause for his awesome!

Man, IceStorm is gettin’ pretty good at this, ain’t he?  :D You’ll recognize the scene when you see it!  It’s a good’n!  Notice Storm Wing’s blind eye haze!  X3

Also, Ice did another image you guys might want to check out!  It’s pretty good, if I say so, myself!  My only beef with it is that...  Well, actually we fought a lot about a lot of things concerning this image.  He’s a stubborn jerk and makes images too big for me to post them in here.  So instead, you get a link.  :3

http://icestormboarder.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d4gsvzh

Okay, kids!  Recap time!  WE WON!  Sorta.  See, Winter Sky had proven to be more awesome than we thought, and thanks to our combined efforts, we had freed Celestia, defeated the Shadow Ponies, and had drawn the Big Bad out of hiding.  Problem was, we weren’t fighting anymore.  I know, that doesn’t sound like a problem, but when the final boss reveals himself, you’d expect there would be this even MORE epic throwdown!  Alas, as it stood, things were just at a standoff.  Harry Potter David had turned up and Trixie had saved The Nightmare from destruction.  Then Winter Sky decided to get all talkative of all things.  Crazy, right?  Yeah, it was.  At the moment, though, Luna and I were solely focused on getting Storm Wing out of his Inmanipulon cocoon, lest he suffocate.  The only thing that kept me from killing this human causing all our problems were the next words that came out of his mouth.

“Flora, please release the Sky Archon,” David ordered softly, “After all, I don’t want that on your conscience.”

As Azure Flora lifted her hoof, Luna and I stepped back from the sheet engulfing Storm Wing.  It popped open almost right away, making an audible groan as it released its prisoner inside.  Storm gasped several times as he rolled off of the Inmanipulon, whereupon it broke down into dust and floated into her saddlebags.

“You okay, Storm?” I held out my hoof to help him up, but he was in a sour mood and slapped it away.  “Ah.  I’m guessing you aren’t.”

“No!  I’m not!” He snapped loudly as he crawled to his hooves and glared at nothing in particular whilst he continued coughing fiercely.  Somepony had a fragile ego, and I’m not going to say who, but his initials match up with South West.

“Storm, control your anger,” Luna said with a relieved sigh as she dismissed the spell blocking out the sun.  Slowly but surely, direct light made its way back to Equestria, illuminating the desert-like plains where we were staged.  I set a hoof on her shoulder for comfort as Winter Sky brought attention back to the matter at hoof.

“David,” Winter Sky was seething with barely contained rage, “Why?”

Turns out, humans are about two to three feet taller than an average pony.  Winter sky is not an average pony.  Thus, he had no problems meeting David’s gaze.  And David seemingly had no problem staring him right back, still sporting a very slight, very soft smile.

“That is a long answer that I really do not have time for, Sky,” he answered with a sigh before pulling his glasses off and cleaning them on his sweater, “But since you were always a close friend, I will tell you, I do what I do for a good cause.  I know you won’t believe me, but it is.”

“So...” I turned back to face Azure Flora, wide eyed.  “What was all that crap about ‘all humans must go’?”

She merely shut her eyes and turned away, unwilling to look at me.

“A ruse,” David replied with a sigh, “and a failed one at that.  Bear her no grudge as it was not her choice.”

“So, you are the one controlling them!” Luna snapped accusingly, her expression fading into a threatening snarl.

As if to answer her question, Starlight, Cookie, Azure Flora, and The Great and Powerful Trixie all walked around us to take their places behind David.  None of them looked proud, nor did they look happy.  After a minute or so, Trixie coughed out a sob before running up to David and grabbing the leg of his denim pants.  With tears in her eyes, she stared up at him imploringly.

“Please, Master David!  I don’t want to do this anymore!” she pleaded, gently tugging to help garner his attention.  Her usual arrogant demeanor wasn’t even slightly manifested.  No, Trixie simply looked distraught and helpless.

David looked down at her, and for a moment, that eerie smile faltered.

“Controlled?” Winter Sky looked at Trixie, then David, then finally at Azure Flora as his eyes widened in revulsion.  “David...  What...  What have you done?”

“Just a moment, Sky,” David softly implored as he knelt down by Trixie, gently wiping away her tears with a soft gesture of his hand, “Trixie, you agreed to this contract.  You know as well as I, everything is sealed, and we cannot take it back.”

“B-But you can stop!” She pointed out, seeming to take actual comfort in his touch, “We...  We don’t have to do this!”

“David...” Azure Flora stepped forward, setting a hoof on his arm with a look of concern, “We’ve lost the element of surprise and conspiracy.  It’s too late to carry out most of our plans.  The Nightmare has fallen, Celestia is free, and our agents have been exposed.  There’s no longer any hope of victory through conquest.”

“Hmmm.” he began to smile just a tad, his eyes fluttering to the ground as he pondered to himself.  “You’re...  right.”

Those words came so pleasantly and almost happily.  As if he were also glad that his efforts had not come to fruition.  I didn’t...  doubt that he was agreeing with them, but I knew deep down it wouldn’t be as simple as defeating the antagonist through a mere logical advantage.  Luna and I traded glances for a second and I could tell, I wasn’t the only one that wasn’t feeling particularly relieved.

“Indeed, I do not think that we have a chance at taking Equestria by force at this point.” He gently stroked Trixie’s mane as the two mares began to let hope rush to their eyes.

“Then we can stop?” Trixie smiled happily at him.  “We don’t have to hurt Equestria anymore?”

“Exactly,” he confirmed with a nod before looking over to Azure Flora who smiled back at him.  “Truth be told, if there was any other way to achieve my goal, I would have taken it.”

“Meaning you’ve found another way.” Storm Wing was staring down at the ground, likely more focusing on his other senses than anything.

“Ah, the son of Winter Sky.” David stood back up and walked over to the latest speaker, that ghost of a smile widening somewhat.  “You look pretty good for a thousand years old.  I’d say your father had something to do with that, but I think...  you look a bit more like your mother.”

Storm Wing didn’t like David being so close, I could tell.  When he crouched down to get a closer look at him, Storm backed away a step, baring his teeth somewhat.  David chuckled a bit, amused by the ferocity of the small powerhouse pony before looking back at Azure Flora.

“What do you think, Azure?” he called back to her with a shrug.  “I think your son looks just like you.”

“Son?” Azure Flora gasped, quickly making the connection, “S...  Storm?  S-Storm Wing?”

She rushed over almost immediately, nearly knocking Pinkie Pie and Applejack out of the way as she beelined for him.  I had totally forgotten that she didn’t know Storm was her son.

“Y-You...  You’re alive!” her voice was shrill with delight.  As she approached, Storm Wing blinked in confusion before suddenly getting tackled by his mother who happily wrapped her forehooves around his neck.  “I...  I’m so sorry I attacked you!  How are...  How are you still alive?”

I was shocked to see Storm actually let her touch him before remembering that he couldn’t even see her, so she kinda had the element of surprise on her side.  Surprised Storm Wing was surprised.

As far as the rest of us, we were completely focused on the two ponies.  The tensions were high, but nopony knew what to do.  It was an incredibly odd situation where a high stakes combat could break out at any second, which truthfully, I’m not certain we could have won.  David was a wild card on his own, but he also had Starlight, Trixie, and Azure Flora with him.  Not to mention we had several non-combatant ponies that could be used against us, all of which were too confused to find the good sense to back away.  Luna wandered my way, attracting David’s attention for a moment before looking back at Storm Wing and Azure Flora.

“Please, forgive me!  I couldn’t care for you; understand that I did the only thing I could do!” Azure Flora begged, still clinging to her son’s neck.  At first, Storm Wing’s expression was stern as steel, but his resolve was breaking under the affection of his long absent mother.  I mean, what are you supposed to say to that?  You would have to be pretty cold to emotionally stiff arm your mother and though Storm Wing was as dry as a summer drought in the Sahara desert, he still wasn’t that frigid.

“Now, now, Azure, let’s not overwhelm him,” David murmured softly, smiling down at the pair as though he were pleased to see the reunion.

“This feels like one big distraction.” Luna suddenly whispered in my ear before looking around with suspicion in her eyes.

I blinked, not having considered the notion before glancing about somewhat as well.  Starlight, Trixie, and Cookie were all being quite still.  Too still, in all actuality.  I felt like I was missing something, but I couldn’t place my finger on it (Or hoof, whatever you prefer).  Other than Winter Sky approaching his family with a torn expression on his face, nopony was moving.

“What makes you say that?” I murmured back, keeping my voice low enough that David couldn’t catch my words.

Luna suddenly seemed to have caught sight of something before shouting out, breaking the tension, “Because it is a distraction!  Sky!  Protect Celestia!”

We all cast our eyes to where Celestia had fallen and surely enough, The Nightmare, still too weak to leave its physical armor form, was dragging itself towards the yet-to-awaken sun princess.  It somehow seemed that Winter Sky took off like a bullet before Luna had even finished her order and swept Celestia up in his grasp as he took to the skies mere moments before the weakened monster could take hold of her again.  Luna turned and shot a silvery light at David as I let fire wash over me.

“Ah, it seems we’re discovered, Flora.  Say your goodbyes,” David said with a nonchalant sigh, batting away Luna’s attack with a wave of his hand before turning around.  I made a move to dash for him but another of those thundering black portals opened up and swallowed him whole before shutting immediately.  Before it did, though, he gave me a very intentional stare before invading my mind with his thoughts.

~You and I need to have a chat.  Alone.~

“I’m sorry, Storm Wing, I didn’t want things to be this way!” Flora begged her case to her son, who had seized up in shock at how easily he had let himself be sidetracked.  He shoved Flora away from him and ground his teeth together as though he were about to lash out at her.  To his credit, though, he merely turned away and shook his head.

“Go.  Just get away from me,” he snarled, unable to bring himself to attack her.  She stared back at him sadly, her eyes tearing up before stepping back into her own portal that also closed just as quickly as it opened from behind.  I hated watching that take place.  Mostly because I knew that even though Azure Flora was bound to David’s will, both mother and son would still feel pain over what had happened.

We didn’t bother trying to arrest the others or anything; we simply let them escape through their own portals, The Nightmare included.  It wasn’t like we would get there in time to stop them.  With that, we picked up our wounded and took them back to Appleloosa.  Failure to cinch the deal with our opposition sucked, but all in all, we were still feeling pretty good.  Celestia was stirring by the time we had made our way back and even opened her eyes blearily a few times, giving us all an exhausted once-over before passing back out.

For the next several hours, it was all about helping the wounded, picking up the damage, and getting to the food line at that saloon to grab me a big fat mug of apple cider.  I had seen enough.  Too much, actually.  I mean, you think it sounds silly, but when you narrowly skirt by death and loss en-masse a few times after having had ZERO true life threatening situations in your life, it shakes you the hell up.  Luna’s healing spell had helped, but within the last week or so, I had been shot at, jumped off/got knocked off three high surfaces, gotten electrocuted, woken up out of nearly ten naps and STILL never got to have that stack of pancakes.  It was getting to me.  Not like it did when I cried on Luna, just...  It was killing my ability to be fun and funny.  So for the moment, I was content to sit there and slurp apple cider with nopony bothering me.  Figured it wasn’t a pony that bothered me, in the end.

“Hey,” Spike said, pulling himself a chair over to sit in.  I had to stand because I’m a pony, so I don’t get to sit down.  Whatevs!

“Where have you been, shorty?” I asked with a chuckle, holding back my irritation at being disturbed.  Being somewhat drunk helped, but really, I was just kinda on the edge of tipsy.  I had not had very much by that point.

“Braeburn sent me to protect the ponies at the Buffalo Tribe,” he responded with a proud smile.

I didn’t point out the obvious.  We all know why Braeburn sent Spike with them, and it had nothing to do with his protective abilities.

“Thank Celestia you were there, Spike!” I said with a smirk, reaching over to muss his spines.

“I know!” He pulled away from my hoof, but smiled nonetheless before looking at my mug, his curiosity piqued.  “Whatcha drinkin’?  Never smelled anything like that.  Almost smells like apples.”

“It’s a big boy drink, tyke.” I shook my head.  “Maybe in about, what...  twelve years?  Whenever you hit whatever is considered the prime of adulthood.”

“That’s centuries for dragons!” He seemed rather distraught by the thought.

I laughed as I offered him my best shrug, “Hey, long lifetime, long childhood.  Seriously, I’d kill to be a kid for a few centuries.  You’ll be fine, Spike, trust me.”

He gave me a strange look, not exactly certain with my assessment.  “Why, how long do humans live?”

“Heh...  A few decades.  Most don’t make it past seventy.” I glanced over to see his reaction.

“Seventy decades?  That’s not so bad,” he replied with a nod, scrunching his face up as he weighed the number.

“No, Spike.  Seventy years,” I clarified.

“Oh.  Well, seventy years still feels like a very long time.” He nodded again, still not too put out by the idea.

“Firewall.” The voice of doom came up from behind me.

Honestly, I don’t know these freakin’ huge ponies get around so quietly, I seem to hear my hoof steps just fine, but Winter Sky made three larger-than-average sized ponies that were able to get around without making a single friggin’ whisper of a sound.  The point of all this is that if I weren’t semi-tipsy from drinking already, I likely would have lost a few years off my lifespan.  As it were, I merely swung my head around to face him.  He was standing mere inches away, and I had to crane my head upward somewhat.

“Hey, buddy!” I cried happily, smiling up at him brightly, “Nice job, today.  You’re a hero!  You deserve a drink!”

I held my mug out to him.  He shook his head softly, declining my extra generous offer.  I was sad at this.  What was more saddening for me was that my drinking was over, because his next words were serious business.

“You and I need to have a chat,” he said firmly, peering right into my soul.  “Alone.”

“Crap, this could be a while,” I said to no one but myself before turning back to Spike, “Hey, do me a favor?”

He raised a questioning eyebrow as he responded, “Uh.  Depends?”

“Good answer!” I complimented him.  That is always the correct answer when anybody uses those four stupid words together.  Do me a favor?  I’ll favor your face!  Yes, I’m entirely aware that I said them.  You must think I’m crazy or something.

“Remember that campfire I was chillin’ at last night?  Could you get it goin’ again?” I pleaded before finishing off my cider.  That was delicious!  Now is coward killing time!

“Eh, sure,” he replied with a shrug, “Sounds easy enough.”

With that taken care of, Winter Sky and I slipped out of the building with our heads held high and our vision only marginally blurred!  It was getting pretty late in the day by this point and thus, the sun was starting to fall, which figured.  Soon as I get used to daylight again, it’s time for some more night.  Blegh.

"Well, we're alone now.  So, what's up?" I looked up at him as he kept walking past me for a few moments, eventually slowing to a stop.

"What are your motives with Luna?" he asked quite bluntly, staring out into the dimming horizon.

"Whoa.  Personal questions.” I began to chuckle.  “Can't you just ask me what my cup size is or something?  I could handle that."

"Be serious, or I'll make it serious." He swung his head my way, his scowl quite unfriendly.

"Feel free to make it serious, bucko.  You're pushing into the lands of MYOB right now," I said as I smirked at him, inwardly annoyed, "You can hit me if it makes you feel better.  In fact, why don't we go outside and settle this like men?"

"We...  ...  are outside?" I think he thought I was crazy.  He's probably right.  I mean, if we both had to cast a vote, it probably wouldn't be a split decision.

"Then why don't we go inside and settle this like women?" I love Brain Donors.

"Stop.  Just stop it," he said shaking his head, "Seriously, I'm concerned."

"Did you forget the fact that Luna is older than you and is capable of taking care of herself?" I chuckled.  "I mean, I know you've got this whole, 'I'm the Shield of Equestria' thing going on, which kinda annoys me, because I kinda wanted to take up the job but I guess you can have it...  Anyway, I'm rambling!  You want to protect stuff.  Cool!  I'm great with that.  But you've got to learn that some things don't need protecting and Luna's romantic life is one of them.  Hell, I'm more scared than you are, to be honest!  Ugh...  Rambling again, sorry.  Look, this isn't something you can make yourself privy to.  You can be Superpony if you like, but you can't be big brother.”

“I wouldn't make it my business if I felt a broken heart was the worst thing that could happen here,” he stepped closer, looking down at me with those fearsome eyes.  I kept my cool, though.  I mean, my legs might have wanted to shake, but I was able to hold it off.  Big pony and all that; pretty scary, okay?

“What, you think I might try to physically hurt her?  Fat chance of that.  Even if I had the faintest desire to truly hurt her, it's not like she couldn't beat me into a pulp,” I chuckled, resisting the urge to swallow fearfully, “Look, man down your guns, Sky.  I don't want to not like you just because you're trying to watch out for Luna when she doesn't even remotely need your help.  That would suck.  I've already got you stashed away in this awesome category and you need to stay there.  I mean, you got Celestia back, even!  I could kiss you, brony!"

"You do, and I will most definitely hit you." He leaned away from me a tad.

"You know...  Storm Wing is just like you." I laughed, nodding happily.

"Stop trying to change the subject." His scowl turned into a glare.  "You are a human.  And what is putting me off about you is that David was just like you when he first came to Equestria."

That killed my chi.  You couldn't have deflated me more with liposuction, a vacuum, and two vampires (Not the sparkling kind, please.  I’ll take the violent, murderous nosferatu for $400, Alex!).

"He...  really?" I gave him a somewhat skeptical look.  "Just like me?"

"He was funny, he was loved by everypony, he was very intelligent, and he was incredibly flippant about authority.  And every time he got serious, it was because somepony somewhere got hurt." He nodded solemnly.  "He was confident, he was good-natured, he had a sense of justice about him, and he was strong-willed.  I've spoken to many ponies about you.  Princess Luna, Twilight Sparkle, my son, Lieutenant Silverheart, and several others during what little time I’ve been here.  Every time you are mentioned, I could simply substitute David in place of Firewall and it would sound just like him.  What is your real name, Firewall?"

"It's not David, if that's what you're gettin' at." I stepped back, shaking my head and cutting him a sideways glance.  "Humans can be similar.  Very similar.  In fact, he could be a brony himself.  We're kinda like-minded like that."

"From a thousand years ago?  Surely not," he scoffed, not exactly buying the excuse.  Hell, I wasn't buying it either!

"Dude, now you're making an assumption.  A big one." I magicked a cigarette out and lit it up, preparing to go into this for a while.  Wanna know something silly?  I never asked him how he knew about bronies.  Silly, eh?  "One thing I've learned about Equestria vs.  Earth: If it works one way on one side, it more-than-likely doesn't work that way on the other side.  Hell, your sun and moon push each other away like magnets!  What makes you think the flow of time matches up!?"

I came up with that on the spot to get him off my case, but after thinking about it, that made a lot more sense than it should have.

"Fair enough," he said with a nod, "But not good enough.  What's to keep you from turning into the next David?"

"Well, I certainly don't have plans to live for a thousand years." I rolled my eyes, taking a drag off my cigarette.  "Seriously, though, I'm made of sterner stuff.  I'm not going to just grab an ideal and run with it before considering the consequences.  Hell, David may be doing something for the greater good, but if there’s one thing that sets me apart from most people is that I don’t believe that the ends justify the means.  I mean, I know this old friend of yours really pulled a shitty maneuver and stabbed both you and Flora in the back.  That ain't me.  I've never even hit one of my friends in anger.  Though...  I would have totally decked Storm Wing a couple of times if he wasn't so damned fast.  He's certainly hit me enough.  I mean, there was that one time where I hoofed him in the back of the head for being stupid, but I don't count that, really."

"Storm...  really trusts you.  In truth, he...  rebuked me when I advised him against befriending you.  He seems to think you understand him and that he's not experienced that before.  He would show you his back, even if his death meant your fondest wish, he told me,” Winter Sky looked back out at the horizon.  “Just like I would have done for David.  And that bothers me.  He trusts you...  more than he trusts me.”

I was so surprised by that.  I mean, yeah, me and Storm Wing had gone from hating each other, to being okay with one another, to being straight-up friends, but I was all...  touched and stuff.  After thinking about it, though, I can say for certain, I could do the same were that situation reversed.  'Cause, y'know...  I really depended on that son of a mare.  It felt good to know that I had some really clear cut friends here.

“Well, duh.  He doesn't know you.  Yeah, you're daddy and all that, but really, chief...  You haven't been there for him.  And that's totally not your fault, don't get me wrong!” I waved a hoof disarmingly.  “Just...  I know you love your son and that this is convoluted and confusing for everypony involved.  But technically, I've been around for Storm Wing longer than you have.  And I've only been here little more than a week!  I still don't know why he likes me!  From what the other Sky Archons tell me, he's quite the grumpy bastard to be around!  He's like the one-eyed grouchy tom cat that bites and claws you when you pick him up!  Honestly, though, he's the best kind of friend to have.  Except for his temper.  I mean, his temper is almost worse than mine, it just sets off a lot easier.  Anyway, just give him some time and before you know, you'll be teaching him how to play baseball, watching professional wrestling, crushing beer cans on your head together...  Just not right now.”

“Beer cans?  Wha-...  Never mind.  I'm not an idiot, Firewall, I am quite well aware of the situation,” he said irritably, “There's no reason he should trust me so quickly.  Even though...  That doesn't change the fact that it still...”

“Hurts?” I offered.

“Yes,” he replied with a sigh, “Especially when I see a lot of myself in him.”

“Well, he's certainly inherited Flora's dainty size,” I pointed out with a chuckle.

“That he did,” he agreed with a mirthful snort before looking back at me, “You really are just like David.  Always trying to make those around you laugh and smile.”

“You know, I'm sure that would sound a lot less...  insulting if he wasn't the bad guy here.” Mixed feelings~!

“It's not an insult.  A thousand years has obviously changed him, but he wasn't always this way,” he promised me with a smirk.  “Thanks to David, Equestria was able to flourish like never before.  I see towns in places that had no life.  I see young fillies that are so carefree and innocent that they don't run away from even me.  That was the hardest part of becoming what I am.  Everypony feared me.  While piecing my memories together, I thought I was just that brave and the others were too scared.  And while they may have been scared, it wasn't the fight that intimidated them...  It was me.  Nopony wanted to become the next monster.  Yet, today, a little white unicorn filly with a pink and purple mane...”

“Sweetie Belle?” I pursed my lips in a shrug-like fashion.

“I don't know her name.” He shook his head.  “But she hugged my leg and told me that she was sorry about what happened and that it will all be alright.  That it would all turn out okay, eventually.”

“And this baffles you?” I arched an eyebrow.

“Children used to run and scream when they saw me,” he said dourly.

“After what I saw today, I can see why.  You trashed Nightmare Sol like a champ!  You made it look easy!” I laughed with a soft punch to his shoulder.  “Trust me, buddy, you're scary, but I'd rather you be fearsome than worthless.  Listen, nopony’s life is perfect.  You work with what you got.  Sure, you could be as small and harmless looking as your blind son, but really, you are you.  Be happy with what you got, y'know?  I'd rather be powerful and determined than meek and silly.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, either, but I make do with what I got and so can you.  Play with the cards you're given and stop lamenting on not having the cards you wanted.”

He crooked his eyebrow and looked at me with a somewhat taken back attitude.  “Are you always this philosophical?”

“Yeah!  Here, lemme try another,” I gave him a bright smile before stroking my non-existent beard, “Life is tragedy for pony that feel, and comedy for pony that think.”

“Well, David wasn't much for philosophy, at least.” He turned back to look at the setting sun.  “Firewall, my gut tells me I can trust you, but my experiences tell me that I shouldn't.  What would you do were you in my place?”

“Dude, if I had that answer, my name would be Winter Sky and I'd be a bit taller with super icy pegasus powers,” I reminded him as I turned to leave, “Turns out, I'm a bit shorter with super fiery unicorn powers.  So I guess the only pony that can answer that is the pony named Winter Sky.”

“Speaking in riddles doesn't help,” he said with an irritated sigh.

“Jesus, and here I thought I'd never get you back for doing it to me,” I called back with a laugh, leaving him there to his thoughts.  “Suffer well!”

I left him to his thoughts.  He needed to be alone and get that anxiety out of his system.  He wasn’t the kind to take well to pity, that much I could tell, thus I let him keep to himself.  You know how you can tell when someone is in a bad mood.  They just don’t want to deal with stuff, but they do it anyway because they’re strong like that?  Yeah, I got that feeling from Winter Sky.  Dude had a lot of stuff to be upset about and it was probably going to get worse before it got any better for him.

I made my way back to that campsite just on the edge of the orchard and was pleased to find Spike chilling out with a fire already roaring in the middle.  He had brought some extra logs, so that was cool, too.  More space for ponies to chill out on!

“You look comfy,” I remarked as I approached, feeling a particularly chilled breeze rush on by.  I moved closer to the fire and smiled at it, holding my fore-hooves up to it to warm up.  I kept getting closer, wanting to get as much heat as possible without burning myself but, the burning myself part never actually happened.

Spike smiled happily, crossing one foot over the over as he shut his eyes, looking as chill as an ice cube.  He had brought his own lean-back lawn chair to lie in, and all I could do was chuckle at him as I kept getting closer and closer to the fire.  When my hoof actually touched one of the logs, I blinked.  I felt really really warm, but it wasn’t actually burning me.  I pulled one of the logs out and tested other parts of my body to make sure I was completely fire-immune and sure enough, it was warm but it wasn’t hot.  That’s when I decided to get stupid and stuck my face in the fire.  Yeah, I know.  I know.  No, I didn’t get burned, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t an incredibly stupid and rash thing to try.

“Are you sticking your face in that fire?” I heard Spike call out, somewhat alarmed.

“Sure am!” I laughed from within the flames, “It doesn’t hurt!  I could probably lick some of these things and it wouldn’t burn me.”

“Dude, that’s...  I don’t advise licking fire,” he informed me with a chuckle, “But then again, I don’t advise sticking my face into fire, either.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I sighed before pulling my head back out.  I felt something brushing up against one of my back hooves and looked back to see what it was.  I wish I hadn’t.  I wish I had just ignored it.  I didn’t though.  For what I saw was huge.  It had to be like...  six inches in diameter, black as sin, hairy as a yeti, and sizing up my hoof for how it was going to devour me.

It was a spider.  Oh.  Sweet.  Jesus.

“HOLY SHIT!” I screamed the way most men and women do when a spider that size touches them.  I jumped onto one of the nearby logs and danced about like a little girl, making random noises, none of which sounded pleasant nor masculine.

“What are yo-WAH!” Spike followed my eyes and panicked in a similar way, scampering up the log and onto my back.  The spider scuttled a little closer, quivering with anticipation for the meal it was about to make out of us.

“TAKE THE DRAGON, I'M TOO YOUNG!” I grabbed Spike off my back and held him out to the spider.  “Dragons are tasty!

“Wh-What?!”  Spike gasped, looking back at me with rage, fear, and hatred.  I would have felt bad, but I knew, deep down, he would do the same to me if he could.  “You traitor!”

“Your sacrifice is appreciated, Spike!” I whimpered before aiming to chuck him at the monstrous arachnid.  “You will be missed!”

“I will haunt you!” His oath held weight and I knew it, deep down.  I deserved it, I know, but some things just had to be done.

“Is everything alright?” Fluttershy was descending from the sky, her visage comprised of worry and concern.  “I...  I heard screaming.  I-Is everypony okay?”

We simply stared at her in a mixture of shame and ongoing panic as she tilted her head, baffled as to just what was so scary.  She had not noticed the spider that was mere inches from her hoof.  I felt sick.  God, not Fluttershy.  Anypony but Fluttershy.

“Fluttershy,” Spike murmured, his eyes wide.  “D-Don't panic...  But...  Slowly look down at...  your front left hoof.  Be careful to not provoke it.”

“I should have just breathed fire at it!  Why didn’t I just breathe fire at it!?” I whined, now unable to take a shot with Fluttershy so close.

Fluttershy's eyes widened in fear as she realized she had flown into a dangerous situation but complied like a good pony, slowly lowering her gaze to her hoof.  To no surprise of mine, she gasped at the sight of the spider.  Rather than panic, though, she smiled at it and reached down to pick it up with a hoof.  It quickly ran up her leg and found a place near her neck, no doubt in preparation to slay the kind pony.

“Noooo!!  Fluttershy, your life is too valuable to sacrifice!” I shrieked in awe and disgust as I shook Spike at her like a maraca.  The power of Spike compels you!

“I-I-I'm G-g-g-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n-a b-b-b-e s-s-s-i-i-i-c-c-c-k!” Spike whimpered as he was rattled about.

“Oh, don't worry, Firewall, it's just a little tarantula.” Fluttershy smiled comfortingly at me.  She didn't comfort me.  She was merely allowing the beast to lull her into a false sense of security as it snuggled threateningly into her hair.

“Fluttershy, turn back before it's too late!” I cried, feeling the contents of my stomach turn over as her hair was invaded by the eight-legged freak.  “Just smoosh it!”

I showed her how by stamping at the log I was precariously perched upon, because I'm all helpful like that.  She seemed shocked and distraught that I would suggest such a thing.  Nonetheless, it would be best for Fluttershy to live hating me than die loving me.  It had to be done.

“Like squish!” I showed her again.

“Never!” she retaliated, now glaring at me.  “Why that's...  that's just terrible!  How could you say such a thing, Firewall?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Twilight and Pinkie Pie approaching, drawn to all the noise and odd gestures.

“What's going on here?” Twilight asked slowly, staring at me like I was crazy.  I was crazy alright.  Crazy with fear and worry for the kindest, most cutest pony ever, “Firewall, stop shaking Spike like that.”

I complied without hesitation before glancing at Twilight.  She arched an eyebrow before motioning for me to set Spike down by holding out a hoof and making a show of gently lowering it to the ground.  I did as she commanded, in sync with her motions no less, with my eyes wide and fearful.  Pinkie Pie made a point of staring at me intently, occasionally looking back at Fluttershy.  There was something going on inside that pink brain of hers, to be sure.  I was just too distracted with the crisis we had on hoof.

Finally Twilight Sparkle took an impatient breath and spoke again, “Now, what's the matter?”

“Firewall thinks the spid...” Fluttershy started to explain before I interrupted her.

“It's gonna eat Fluttershy!” I spoke shrilly, pointing at her accusingly.  “She won't listen!  She's crazy, Twilight!”

Twilight looked over at Fluttershy just as the spider popped back out of her hair.  She was cool about it, though.  She grimaced, but she didn't panic.  Twilight's strong like that.  I look up to her.  Brave in the face of spiders, she is.

“Oh, Fluttershy, that's gross.” Twilight scrunched her nose in slight disgust.  I, on the other hand, whimpered pathetically, dancing on my hooves in horror.

“It's not gross, Twilight,” Fluttershy politely pointed out, smiling at her, “it's a creature just like anypony else.  Just because it's not as pretty as others doesn't make it gross.  It's still...  … nice.”

Nice for Fluttershy meant HORRIFIC AND REVOLTING!  Why couldn’t they see this!?

It skittered up to the top of her head and laid down, trying to deceive Twilight into thinking it wasn't the foul abomination that it really was.

“I...  suppose,” Twilight begrudgingly agreed, the corners of her mouth still skewed as though she were only mildly disturbed.  “Just...  go find it a home or something.”

“Oh, I will.  He's just cold right now, so I'll let him warm up a bit,” Fluttershy stated happily as the fiend continued to snuggle up against her in an attempt to mask its true, diabolic nature.  “That's why he's shivering so much, you see.”

“That's crazy talk!” I protested helplessly.

“Yeah, you'd be the expert on that.” Twilight rolled her eyes as she turned to leave.  “Try and behave, Firewall, and keep the screaming to a minimum.”

Pinkie Pie suddenly got the nastiest sneer on her face that I had ever seen.  I didn't know what it meant, but it couldn't have been good.  It was downright murderous in its intent, though, that much was for sure.

“Can I hold him, Fluttershy?” Pinkie Pie gave an enthusiastic bounce as she approached the yellow pony.

"Augh!" Spike hid behind me again as the thought of more pony-spider contact sunk into his noggin.

“Pinkie, no!  Not you, too!” I felt so outnumbered!  Why could they not see the satanic creation for what it actually was!  Even Spike knew of its devilish designs!

“You're worse about those things than Spike,” Twilight gave a pitied laugh on my behalf, stopping to look back at us.

“No creature deserves more than four legs!” Spike protested angrily, waving a clawed fist for emphasis.

Twilight was still unimpressed.  “You two are just overreacting.  Really, it’s kinda sad.”

“You say that now, Twilight!” I rebuked her pity with an accusing hoof-pointing.  “But when you're wrapped up in its malicious thread and it's turning you into a drinkable pony-slushie to save you as a snack for later, you'll be thinking, 'Oh, Firewall, if only I had listened!'”

She rolled her eyes again as Pinkie Pie coaxed the spider onto her hoof before setting it RIGHT ON HER FACE.

“Oh sweet virgin Mary, you are a FREAK!” I cried, my perception of reality twisting violently before me, “FREAKY PIE!  AGGGH!!!”

“BLEAGH!” Pinkie Pie charged at me suddenly WITH THE SPIDER ON HER FACE AND HER TONGUE HANGING OUT!  She was using it to bully me into submission!  I had to escape!  Therefore I picked Spike up and chucked him at that pink fool before turning and hightailing it.

“Hey!” Spike objected to his projectile treatment but was saved by Twilight's intervening magic.  Why was everypony against me!?

I'm sure it didn't look very good for the public to see Luna's boyfriend (coltfriend, whatever) run screaming from a little pink pony half his size wielding naught but a frizzy haircut and a gargantuan hellspawn on her face.  I'm sure I lowered everypony's opinion of me that day as I did my damnedest to outrun Freaky Pie (I've been told I'm not allowed to call her that anymore) Pinkie Pie with every trick in the book that I had.  All to no avail, sadly enough.

Finally, I decided hiding was in order.  I picked a building with Sky Archons guarding the entrance and stopped to speak to them as I entered.  It turned out to be Whirlwind and Silverheart, oddly enough, not that it mattered.

“Hey!”  I approached with a panicked look in my eye (totally justified panicked look, if you must know).  “Silverheart!  Save me!”

“Yeah, uhh...  Stop.” She held a wing out in front of the door.

“Oh, good, you'll actually attempt to stop ponies from coming inside.” That was a relief.  “There's a pink Earth Pony coming this way, she'll be here any second.”

I heard that maniacal laughter in the distance and utterly lost all hope in life.  I killed my fiery shield to put out the light as I quivered in fear.

“You runnin' from Pinkie?” Whirlwind suddenly burst out laughing, placing the happy laugh to the pony that owned it.

“Dude, I will totally owe you both a favor if you keep her from coming in here!” I said before immediately pushing past them.  “I'll tell Storm Wing I hit you both in the face or something so you don't get in trouble.”

They gave each other an unimpressed look before turning to me.  At first, I thought they were going to just tell me no, but much to my relief, Silverheart explained what was on their minds, “Nah, just...  tell him the truth.  If he thinks we went down after a hoof to the face from...  you...  Well, let's just say he'd be pretty disappointed in us.”

“Thank you!”  I grabbed them both for a hug.

“Ack!” Whirlwind protested, not ready for the gratification, “Affection!”

Without further wasting precious time, I slipped into the large wooden building only to discover that this wasn't somepony's home.  I mean, it was, but that wasn't what it was being used for.  It was being used as a medical treatment facility, or so I could imagine from seeing both Nurse Redheart and Nurse Tendercare pinwheeling about.  They had all sorts of medical toys and medicines that came in all states of matter lying about in an organized yet chaotic fashion.  When Tendercare caught sight of me, she was quickly overcome with anxiety and fear, as though my mere presence was giving her OCD fits.

“Oh dear~!” She shook her head.  “Oh dear~!  I'm sorry, but you can't be in here!”

“She needs her rest,” Nurse Redheart promised me with a stern, yet kind smile.

“Oh, I won't hu-Hey!” I was suddenly airborne and being carted away, sparkling with pretty pony magic.  Nurse Tendercare had quite a horn I could tell, seeing as she wasn't even straining with flying my heavy plot back the way it came.

“Firewall?” I heard a voice from further into the building call out.  It was Celestia.  I suddenly forgot all about Pinkie Pie and her damn spider (may it burn in hell for eternity!) and ineffectively tried air-swimming over towards the source of the voice before giving up.

“Oh dear, she's awake!” Tendercare gasped as she looked back to the source of the noise.

“Celestia!  Make the bad unicorn put me down~!” I whined loud enough for her to hear.

I heard a bit of tired laughter before getting an answer, “It's fine, Nurses, I'm sure a visitor won't hurt anything.”

They both glared at me as though I were just crapping all over their hard work, but they complied and let me go see her, but not before handing me a pair of sweet shades (It'll make sense in a minute)!  You'd think there'd be an IV-drip with lots of bandages, and scrapes, and bruises, with a cast that had all her friends and family's names scrawled on it.  Not for Celestia, though.  She gets the easy way out.  She gets a large room with mirrored walls and eight tiny...  Well, I guess they were mini-stars or something, each decorating the four corners and four compass points.  That's what the shades were for, I noted, suddenly grateful for the eyewear as I slipped them on.  That would have burned my poor useless eyes right out.

“Damn, Celestia.” I slid the shades on with a smirk.  “I think you'd win in a competitive sunbathing tournament.”

“Well, I like to give it my all,” she chuckled before beckoning me closer, “Come.  You and I need to have a chat.  Alone.”

The floor was adorned with comfy looking pillows that came in a variety of sizes.  Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!  Thus I cantered on over and flopped down, letting out a relaxing sigh.

“Ahhh~!” I smiled up at her, “You know, you're not the first extra big pony to say that to me, today.”

“I'm not?” She gave a smile as Nurse Redheart arrived, bringing a tray of hospital food (gag me!) for Celestia.  “Who else has said this?”

“Winter Sky,” I mentioned offhand as she popped a carrot into her mouth.

I felt so bad when she choked on the carrot, her reaction distracting her so completely.  I held out her glass of hospital orange juice (it's not real OJ!  Hospitals have fake OJ!  Okay, fine, this wasn’t a hospital!), which she eagerly accepted and used to wash down the offending vegetable.

“Carrots are dangerous, Celestia,” I said in a low, overly theatrical voice.  “Do not test their Vitamin E.”

“Of course, how foalish of me,” she strained through a bit of laughter before shaking her head, “I thought I was dreaming but I suppose that isn't the case at all.  He really is alive.”

“Totally.  Storm Wing, Luna, Twilight and I saved him,” I began to explain.  Naturally she wanted to hear everything leading up to that point, and everything afterwards concerning the original Sky Archon.  She asked a few questions that I had no possible way of answering, mostly revolving around magical details, but for the most part, I was able to catch her up.  I then told her of David and his Pact Ponies, which seemed to anger her more than anything.  She made mention that her spell shouldn't have faded for any reason but I pointed out with her under the control of The Nightmare, it was likely they used her to help break it.  She seemed skeptical, but admitted that it was possible.  I was purposefully avoiding the big fat nasty elephant in the room, though it was mostly because I wanted to save that for last.

“And now for the part you're really not going to like,” I announced with a grimace, earning a borderline fearful glance from her.  “Winter Sky told us about...  Well, everything.  Actually, he told me, I just ran my big dumb mouth.”

Her eyes slowly fell to the floor as she took one of the longest sighs I had ever seen.

“Everything,” she echoed remorsefully, “meaning the truth.  The first human.”

“The mild case of death Winter Sky had contracted,” I supplied.  (He got better!)

“The Nightmare's creation,” she continued.

“And altering the memories of all the ponies.” I watched her wince at that last part.  It wasn't something she was even remotely proud of.  Can't say I blame her.  I wasn’t too proud of her, either.

She lowered her head and shut her eyes, whispering, “Luna knows.”

“Yeah.” I flapped my tail about awkwardly, not knowing what else to say or do.

“She was furious when she found out?” she asked, though her tone told me that she was looking for more of a confirmation than seeking an answer.

“Ummm...  She kicked me in the eye,” I said with a hopeful grin, trying to make her laugh.  It didn't work, much to my dismay.

“She was angry, then.” Celestia hung her head lowly, shutting her eyes and remaining silent for quite a while before speaking again.  “Wait, why did she kick you in the eye?”

“Because I wouldn’t go away!” I huffed irritably, crossing my hooves and looking away, “I was all vouching for you and trying to comfort her and she was all, ‘Bam!  I’m bein’ pissy right now, so go away!’ and so I did.  She got really upset about it later and Storm got in my face about it.  Still, we made up though and then we started getting all...  Oh.”

That I had not yet mentioned.  It was an odd sensation, being suddenly aware that I was just about to tell Celestia that I was making time with her sister.  I laughed a little hesitantly as I rubbed at the back of my neck, trying to think of a good way to change the subject.  After opening my mouth and closing it a few times, unable to think of a way to approach the subject, Celestia became suspicious.

“We...  what?  … Why are you acting like you’re afraid to tell me something?” GOD DAMN YOU, SUN PRINCESS AND YOUR ABILITY TO PICK UP ON THESE THINGS!

“Shit, might as well get it out.  I’m not going to lie and turn this into some huge pony soap opera,” I gave a tired sigh before looking dead into Celestia’s beautiful eyes (for once, I could see them both.  This myth has been busted!), “Luna said we have to date.  Me and her, that is.”

“What?!” Celestia’s eyes went wide with disbelief.

“I know, I tried to say no.” I pouted at her, a bit unhappy with that reaction. “She was so stubborn, though!”

Technically, this was all true.  I was trying to make it sound like her fault, and in all honesty, it kinda was.  I don’t think she would have taken ‘No’ for an answer, nor would I have lived through trying to give it to her.

“Firewall, this isn’t the time for jokes!” Celestia’s scowl caused me to cower and I panicked, throwing my hoofs over my face defensively.

“Okay!  I’m dating her willingly, but it was all her idea!” I whimpered from behind my fore-hooves.  “Don’t send me to the moon!”

“Y...  You’re being serious!” Celestia’s tone alone told me she wasn’t sure if she was awake or still passed out and just dreaming.

“I can’t live on the moon!” I reminded her, “Also, there’s no atmosphere to keep the microwaves from baking me!”

“Firewall, shut up about the moon and look at me!” Her voice became even more stern, which was blowing my mind because I didn’t think that was possible.

I complied, looking up at her with a fearful pout.  After a second of seeing me contain my panic, she started to get that I wasn’t just screwing around.

“You’re serious?” she asked, blinking repeatedly as though it would help somehow.

I nodded, still protectively holding my hooves over my head.  Taking no chances here, people, Celestia has a temper.  I don’t want to find out about the moon or that place she mentioned earlier that I knew nothing about.

“Oh, Luna, what is wrong with you?” Celestia facehoofed and shook her head, gently causing her mane to flare out before softly floating back down.

“I ask her that all the time!” I nodded emphatically, agreeing at just how crazy Luna could be at times.

Then we heard the door outside burst open, quickly accompanied by a thrilled tittering.  I felt all warmth and happiness leave my body.  The beast had returned for me.

“Oh dear, you can’t go in there!” I heard Nurse Tendercare call out, “R-Redheart!  Stop her!”

“Mother of God.” My voice was quiet; inevitability of the situation had set in.  I immediately jumped up and dove behind Celestia, “SHE’S COMING!”

“What?  Firewall, what is the meaning of this?” Celestia looked back at me with confusion in her eyes.  “Who is coming?”

“Sur-PRIIIIIISE!” Pinkie Pie (THAT MONSTROSITY WAS STILL ON HER FACE!) entered the room with a laugh before cooing in awe, “Oooooh~!  It’s bright in here!”

With that, both Pinkie Pie and the spider whipped sunglasses out of nowhere and donned them.

“GET AWAY!” I picked up a pillow and threw it at Pinkie as hard as I could.  To my amazement, my aim was true and it smacked her right in the face, dazing both her and the spider.

“Hey!” she cried out before letting a sinister smile creep it’s way onto her face, “You never told me it was time for a Pillow Fight~!”

The blood in my veins froze.  I cowered behind Celestia and whimpered.  That smile on Pinkie Pie’s face was a little too happy, if you know what I mean.

“Protect me, Celestia.” I snuggled up to her, hoping her sheer proximity would save me.

“You can’t be in here!” Silverheart dove into the room in an attempt  to catch Pinkie Pie, only to miss her by inches when the pink freak began happily leaping my way.

“SEND IT TO THE MOON, TIA!” I shrieked before jumping up and dashing for the other side of the room.

And from there things devolved into sheer chaos.  I ran around the room, Pinkie Pie chased me with a pillow held in her mouth, Whirlwind and Silverheart chased her (ineffectively), the spider was nowhere to be seen (WHICH SCARED THE EVERLIVING SHIT OUT OF ME!), and Celestia just stared at us with a soft smile on her face.  I think she was just happy to be back and amongst her crazy little ponies, but I couldn’t be sure; was a little busy running my ass off all over the place, you see, being that there was a large spider at large.

This carried on for a few minutes and it didn’t seem like anything was going to bring the madness to an end.  Luckily, that wasn’t the case.  Unluckily, Storm Wing was the one to end it.  Loudly.

“EVERY ONE OF YOU GET OUT OF HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!”

I kid you not, he had to be going out of his way to one-up Winter Sky’s yell from before.

Silverheart and Whirlwind wasted no time doing exactly as they were ordered.  Pinkie Pie blinked a few times before getting a frustrated scowl on her face and cutely stomping her way right out.  Me?  I was still afraid to walk over the pillows because the spider might jump out at me.

“Storm Wing, there’s no need to yell,” Celestia looked perturbed, cutting him a disappointed glance.

“Firewall!” He didn’t respond directly to her, but he did lower his voice considerably.  “Out!”

I was slowly making my way for the door, but I was going the LONG way that avoided any crevices that could possibly be hiding a giant spider.  You may all think I’m a pansy, but I totally fought off a Shadow Archon, so the excludes me from that category.  I just have this psychological aversion to arachnids that I can’t seem to fight off thanks to a childhood game called SimAnt.

“O-Okay,” I stammered as I tentatively and slowly made my way out.  Apparently I wasn’t going quick enough since I got a tiny bolt to my cutie mark.  I yelped, more shocked (no pun intended) than hurt.  I remember asking myself what happened to that whole ‘friendship’ deal we had going on.

“Prince Storm Wing!” Celestia’s voice raised about six decibels in volume and took on the most angry-mom-like tone one could imagine.  This caused Storm to not only pale a tad, but he also crouched and let his ears fall flat to his head.  Hell, even I froze up, not wanting to catch flak by proxy.

“Come here.  Now.” Her volume went back to her usual soft-speaking levels, however her tone only became more fierce.

Head hung low, Storm Wing slowly made his way in front of her before sitting down.  Not kneeling, not bowing; no, he wasn’t Captain Storm Wing right now.  Right now he was her disobedient son.

“Storm Wing, I cannot reasonably express how disappointed I am with you.  What, precisely, told you it was acceptable to harm your friend?” Celestia asked, staring down at him with every intention of playing the mom card on him.

“I...  I’m sorry, Princess, I lost my temper,” he timidly admitted, head still hung low.

“One does not lose control of their temper without losing control of their pride, Storm Wing.  This is a lesson I’ve to constantly had to remind you of and I’m tired of having to do so.” She snapped, her eyes narrowing considerably before she sighed and shook her head in retrospect.  “Both of you can leave.  Storm Wing, I expect you to explain yourself and earnestly apologize to Firewall.  Do I make myself clear?”

Storm’s visage hardened considerably as I finally made my way towards the exit.  He eventually nodded and stood up to leave.  I walked with him out of the building, chuckling softly as we exited past the two Sky Archons guarding the entrance.

“Sorry about the trouble, Storm,” I chuckled, figuring I’d make it easier on him by taking the first step in apologies.

He completely ignored me, though, and quickly rounded on poor Silverheart and Whirlwind.

“Exactly WHAT part of ‘Do Not Let Anypony Through’ do you two not understand?!” He spat, his head jerking back and forth between them.  They were stoic and kept a thousand yard stare going on.

“Woah, let’m be, Storm, it was my fault,” I moved to step in between him and the pegasi.

“Firewall, I do not need another reason to kick your flank right now!” he snarled, shoving his face mere inches from mine, “Get OUT of the way and let me address MY subordinates!”

I lost all my happy thoughts and glared at him.  It had felt like the cold night air had considerably chilled even moreso.

“I got a better idea.” I sat down, letting him know I wasn’t going anywhere.  I owed them one and I do my damndest to pay my debts back.  “How about...  No.  You’re emotionally screwed up right now and the last thing you need to do is take it out on somepony that can’t do anything to defend themselves.”

“W...  What?!” His temper was seriously starting to flare.  I’d not seen him so upset before and it only made my case against him stronger.  He began to visibly shake, picking up his hoof slowly before putting it back to the ground.

“You.  Need to leave, Firewall.  Right now.” His voice was very soft, almost pleading.

“Or what?  You’re going to lose your temper again?  Didn’t you just get your chops busted for that?” I went to press a button but apparently it was the wrong one.  Storm took an honest-to-god swing at me, aiming to seriously deck me one.  He never got the chance to connect though, having been blown away by what felt like the angriest air conditioner ever.  The real culprit, however, was Winter Sky and not an irritated household appliance.  Apparently that cold rush of air from before was actually him.  That’s gotta suck, everyone knows when you’re close by simply because the temperature drops ten degrees when you’re about.  Oh?  What’s that?  Continue with the story?  Oh fine...

Whirlwind and Silverheart looked rather shaken, as though they knew things were about to get ugly and weren’t exactly sure what their part would be in it.  I decided to exclude them from the equation.  

“Um, Silverheart, Whirlwind.  I think you guys need to leave.” I nodded my head behind me, giving them the out that they were desperate for.

“Stay where you are!” Storm Wing snapped as he got back to his feet.

“Lieutenants Silverheart and Whirlwind.” Winter Sky stepped up beside me and glanced their way.  “Take your leave.  You should not be involved in this.  I need to have a word with my son.”

They looked rather torn for a second, glancing back and forth between each other, Winter Sky, and Storm Wing.  They finally settled on good sense and took flight, leaving the three of us.  Once they were gone, Winter Sky turned back to Storm Wing.

“What is so wrong that you feel the need to abuse your friend and ally, Storm Wing?” Winter Sky asked coldly, his glare intense.

“I already got this once from Princess Celestia, I don’t need more from you!” Storm kept his distance, his wings upraised as the occasional spark off his body illuminated his surroundings.

“Apparently you do, because it didn’t seem to change anything.” His voice, while somewhat raised in volume, was rather calm.  “You told me mere hours ago that this was your closest friend and that you would trust your back to him no matter the situation.  Yet, here you are, lashing out at him.”

“I don’t answer to you!” he replied, stomping a hoof that sent a gout of lightning about him, “I don’t care what the past says, you’re not my father!”

I grimaced a tad, a little shaken from such a direct and harsh rebuttal.  I looked to Winter Sky and while he wasn’t outwardly showing any reaction, he was still remaining silent for longer than was necessary.

“Storm.  Shit, man, just chill out, you’re out of control.” I murmured, giving him a pitying glance.  He was hurting and was letting his emotions drive him to do and say things that he normally wouldn’t do.

“No!  No, I’m not!  Nothing has changed about me!  Everything around me is changing!” he yelled, stomping a second time

“Nothing has changed,” Winter Sky pointed out as he began to approach his son, “Nothing beyond the truth coming to light.  I can imagine if it’s affecting you half as much as it affected me, then you’re probably unsettled and upset.  You are becoming emotionally compromised and reacting in ways that I can only hope you normally wouldn’t.  And I don’t care how you view me, I am your father and though you are already an adult, you are still behaving like a child.”

“S-Shut up!” Storm Wing took a step back, baring his teeth threateningly as Winter Sky approached.

“You know, David used to tell me that military leaders back on Earth could become emotionally affected by events.  When this happened, they would have to voluntarily step down from their command until they could recover,” he spoke softly as he continued to approach, “And I never understood why.  It sounded like an admission of incompetence and weakness, but after seeing you in combat today, I know you are neither of those things.  Which is why I understand now.

“It’s got to be unsettling.  The mother and father that you never knew coming from the past, the false history written by your adoptive mother, and David forcing your true mother against you.  I don’t know what to think anymore and in a way, that was only a few weeks ago for me.  You’ve had a thousand years to accustom yourself to this.  I can only imagine that it’s even harder.  In fact, I know it must be harder.”

“You know nothing!” Storm Wing yelled in anger, shaking his head as he shut his eyes.

Before either of us could respond, Storm Wing took off in a streak of lightning.  I watched him veer off, more than a little sad to see things go unresolved.  I sighed before turning away and looking back at the big frosty pony.

“You tried, Winter,” I said, offering the only comfort that I could.

“As did you,” he replied, lowering his head somewhat.

We didn’t say anything else because there wasn’t much else to say.  I began to head back to the ol’ dependable food line to have another drink, not really wanting to deal with this crap bouncing around in my head.  I had wasted my victory day on emotional backlash and now it was nighttime.  Great.  It just wasn’t how envisioned things should be going, but really, nothing ever does go your way.  Wise man once said, ‘If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.’  Well, that statement is a whole lot more true than I would like for it to be.

I didn’t get far before getting stopped again, but for once, I wasn’t unhappy about an interruption, since it came from Luna.  She floated down from the roof of a nearby building, landing beside me and giving me a concerned stare.  She didn’t say anything, but it was obvious that we both had something on both our minds and we both knew it and we both knew that we both knew it and...  Right.  I decided to hug her, feeling considerably uplifted when she returned the gesture.  While her actions were kind and caring, the words she spoke next were blunt and straightforward.

“You and I need to have a chat.  Alone.” She stared at me impassively as we broke apart.

I scoffed, pushing my mane back with a hoof before replying, “Do you know how many times I’ve heard that today?  No, seriously.  Guess.”

She smirked before taunting me with a wing shrug, “I dunno.  Three?”

“Wrong!  You make FOUR!  David, Winter Sky, Celestia, and now you!” I counted off with a sad chuckle.

“Well, you earned this one.” She turned and led me back towards the Town Hall.  With night and day restored, almost everypony was indoors, getting ready for bed.  That was actually fortuitous seeing as how we never really stopped talking on the way there.

“Uh huh.” I deflated a tad.  Aftermath sucks, in my opinion.  It’s not at all relaxing.

“What was that with Storm Wing?” She glanced my way with a frown.

“You saw that?” I met her gaze, not entirely cool with the eavesdropping, but meh.  I’ve had worse.

“I could tell Celestia was awake, and I was going to go speak to her.  But when I arrived, I saw you two walking out and in seriously bad moods.  So I decided to watch from afar.  Why did you feel the need to antagonize Storm Wing?.” She nodded, still looking up at me.

I would have shrugged if I wasn’t actively walking, but I don’t get awesome wings that allow me to do that.  “Dude's got problems.  I mean, did you not see how he brushed off Winter Sky?”

“Well, Sky needs some brushing off,” she remarked, facing front again, “This entire situation has really got to him.  He's not the same pony he used to be.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I mulled that around with a sigh.  “Still, Storm’s out of control and that's family he's harshin' on.  Sure, Sky may be abrasive, but he's had a bad millennium.”

“Firewall, I think I set the bar for bad millennium.” Luna totally spiked my argument into the ground!  Why can’t I win some!?  “He's just being impulsive and angsty.  He can get over being out of the game for a while.”

“I dunno.  If I had to spend a week or two just watching everything I love slowly slipping into the hole, I'd be in a bad mood, too.  I mean, David's got control of his wife.  And what makes it worse; she did it for him.”

“I don't care!” Luna looked back at me with a look of incredulity.  “At least she has a modicum of free will!  My sister and I didn't even get that!”

“Look, I'm not trying to say it wasn't horrible what happened to you and Tia.  I'm not,” I pointed out, reminding her that I was still on her side, “That shit wasn't cool and I have every intention of seeing David and his monster pay for it, either by my hand or somebody else's.”

She blinked, nodding before replying, “There's a 'but' in there.”

“But,” I confirmed, “Some people take things harder than others.  You guys have each other and all the ponies in Equestria that love you and adore you.  You have me, Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, Dash, AJ, Pinkie Pie and the list just goes on!  Sky?  He just had Flora.  And now he doesn't even have that.  From what I've been told, everypony thought that Sky was a pony that let himself be turned into a monster.  I don't care what paradise you come from, that sort of treatment is going to change you.”

“Okay, fine.  I'll give you that.” She nodded after a moment.  “Sky's had it rough.  What's your point?”

“He tried to confront and help out the only other pony that might possibly give a damn about him, and he got his heart kicked into the dirt for trying.” I answered with a grimace before recalling Storm Wing’s words.  “I mean, you saw it, right?  ‘You are not my father!’ That's gotta suck.”

“I agree, it was very cruel,” Luna said with a sigh before stepping a little closer to me as we walked, the cold night air hitting us with another gust, “But have you stopped to consider how Storm Wing might feel?”

“Storm Wing is literally older than his father.” I shook my head, not buying that in the least.  “He should be mature enough to deal with an awkward situation.”

Luna blinked, taken aback somewhat by my words.  “Wow, you...  really do know absolutely nothing about him, after all.”

“I know he's blind in more ways than one, that's for sure,” I commented as we finally made it into the Town Hall.  It was already closed for the night, but Luna has handy dandy unlocking spells that care nothing for the operating hours of any government facility!

“Did you know that you're the first friend he's had in several centuries?” She said as we walked in, shutting the door behind me.

“Que?”

“Mmmhmm.” She made her way over to a bench and stretched out onto it with a cute yawn.

I gave her a confused gaze.  “How would you know that?”

“Firewall.” She leveled a bored stare my way that made me feel a tad silly.  “He's my nephew by proxy, pretty much.”

“This is one screwy family tree.” I rubbed my forehead with a hoof.  “Elaborate, then.”

“Celestia raised him,” she responded, confirming what I already knew, “When I returned to Canterlot, she happily told me about him.  About how he used to swing sticks around, pretending he was one of Celestia's guard.  How he would get in fights with school yard bullies that picked on other ponies.  How he went to learn from the Zebras how to see without his eyes.”

“Okay.” I cantered over to her, sitting in front of the bench and tilting my head as I looked at her.  “I know you're leading me up to something.”

“How he grew into a fine gentlecolt growing up on the stories of his noble and glorious father,” she continued, “How much he hated not being able to wear the same armor because of size difference.  How he finally became a Sky Archon and regretted it when he began having to watch his friends grow old and pass on.”

“Oh.” I had never stopped to think about the repercussions of immortality.  I just assumed that he was always a grouchy bastard.  And we know what they say about assuming~!

“Yeah.  'Oh' is right.” She nodded slowly to emphasize her point on how I wasn’t thinking about Storm all that much.

I stuck my tongue out at her because I was behind on that.  “So why does he like me so much?”

She stuck her tongue right back at me!  The audacity!  “Probably because you were the first pony who can relate to him and see things in shades of gray rather than black and white like everypony else.  I mean, sure, Celestia and I are in that boat, too, but there’s a big difference between family and friends.”

“How does that work?” I tilted my head the other way.

She sighed impatiently.  Like it was somehow my fault that I couldn’t read her mind.  How dare I, right?  Women.  “What do you know about Storm Wing?  Where did you learn about any of this, I mean.”

“Winter Sky told me what he knew, or rather I should say, what little he knew,” I explained.

“Then you don't know about how Celestia has been trying to get him to see that he's not Winter Sky,” she remarked before wing shrugging.  Again.

“I'm all ears.” No, actually I’m all pony, but it’s a form of expression, you see.

“For the past thousand years, Storm Wing has focused solely on being his father.  That's not how ponies are designed.  Storm Wing, deep down, doesn't want to fight, but his sense of duty prevents him from leaving his never-ending task.  Celestia has been trying to get him to see that, but he's too stubborn to back down.  One does not simply tell a pony to stop what they're doing and try something new.”

Answers lead to more questions.  Questions I was all too happy to ask, “How did he get his Cutie Mark, then?  And why is it a Wonderbolt insignia?”

“I've...  no clue, really.  I assume he got it before becoming the second Archon.” She reasoned before getting back on subject, “I tried talking to him, but he's not going to step down unless he’s forced to.  I know it sounded extreme, but that's kinda why I goaded him into challenging me when we first made it to Appleloosa.  He backed down though and...  I really should have just done it anyway, but I didn't have the nerve.  I mean, he’s made his life centered around it, you know?”

“I don't think he would have accepted it at that.” I responded with a shrug of my own, “Besides, that's kinda not too different, you forcing him to step down when all I did was get on his case and tell him to get his emotions in check.  Why's this so different?”

“I suppose it's not too dissimilar, but Storm Wing made a choice that he didn't fully understand.  And for over nine hundred years he's been shutting everypony out except Tia.  I was just happy to see him not break down after we lost her, but before we even get her back, suddenly he finds both his mother and his father still live.  Then he gets to meet them and not only does his mother try to suffocate him, but his father, whom he has looked up to since day one, turns out to be an ass.”

I totally felt a wave of nausea hit me when she said the word ‘Ass.’  I wasn’t ready for that at all.

I had to voice my concerns, “Ponies shouldn't cuss.”

“Be serious!” She walloped me in the shoulder with a wing.  Why am I always beaten on, you might ask?  Because I’m a nice guy.  And nice guys finish last after receiving their beatings.

“Ow!  Okay!  Damn it, fine!” I whined, glaring at her for the abuse, “Serious!  I get it.  And you're right.  Storm's got a good reason to be just as shaken up.  But look at them!  They're only making it worse by being near one another!  Storm's getting edgier and Sky might die of a broken heart at any second!”

“I know, I know!  It frustrates me, too, okay?” she groaned sadly, facehoofing before glancing back at my spiteful glare, “Look, I don't want to get into another fight.”

All the rage building up deflated right out of me in an instant.  “Me neither.  I hated that.”

“I just...  Perhaps we should drop it?” she suggested.

I grimaced a tad, frowning as I considered the option before shaking my head, declining.  “I don't want this to go unresolved though, you know?”

“Well, Applebloom has to wait for her Cutie Mark.” She hopped off the bench and made for the exit.  “You can wait for things to simmer for a bit.  Let’s get something to eat.”

“Still...” I followed her, my stomach emphatically agreeing with the notion of food.

“'Still' nothing.  No more.  Let's talk about something else,” she said as she opened the door, closing it behind us with an audible click.

I turned my head her way, open to suggestions on the matter.  “Like?”

After thinking for a bit, she smiled and looked back.  “Like what do you think of Winter Sky?”

“I think he's got issues and is borderline fanatical about Celestia.” It was the truth and nothing but the truth so help me Celestia.

“Really?” Her expression belied to the fact that she wasn’t of that opinion at all, “Why?”

I was a little surprised, actually.  She was sorta the one that got the worst of his treatment so far, “Dude, he totally jumped down your throat for voicing an opposing opinion.”

“What?” she blinked before throwing her head back and laughing at me.  This was nothing new.  “That's not what that was about.  Firewall, you're an idiot sometimes.”

“You love it.” I winked at her.

“Shut up,” she flicked my flank with her tail, smiling brightly at me, “He wasn't getting all 'Celestia is infallible' on me.  He was telling me to be smart.  And he was right.”

“He was?” I flicked her back.

“Mmmhmm,” she replied as she flicked at me again.  To her dismay, I blocked with my own tail, “If you remember, he never condoned what Celestia did.  He was telling me to not cause trouble by letting my bitterness linger.  Yes, I'm still mad at her.  And I've no doubt that Winter Sky disapproves of her actions as well.  But she made a decision and me digging it back up would only lead to problems.  There's no going back and fixing it by this point.  As I told him then and as I'm telling you now, what's done is done.”

“Huh.” I remarked as I blocked another tail attack from Luna, “You're pretty smart, you know that?”

“I said I'd be smart enough for both of us, didn't I?” she recalled with a determined grin, finally getting past my tail with hers and flicking me again, “Hah!”

I had already forseen this and had flicked her back before her tail even pulled back, “Good, I don't like to think.”

“Ah!” she kept snapping her tail about, her frustration leading to her own downfall.  “It shows.”

“It doesn't show that bad,” I replied nonchalantly, blocking her wild strikes with relative ease, “See?”

“Well...  Only when you're awake.” She totally CHEATED by grabbing my tail with her magic and rapidly striking one, two, three times.

“We're done here.” I was fed up with cheaters.  I aimed for the food line and started cantering, foolishly turning my back to her.

“Noooo~!” Without any warning whatsoever, she jumped on my back and hugged my neck, causing me to stumble about before steadying us both.  What is it with the girls wanting to ride me so much (Giggity!).  Maybe it was just Equestria.  In Soviet Equestria, pony rides you~!

“Oh Jesus, it's got me!” I cried, frantically running around and yelling in fear, “Somepony help!  This pony is forcing herself onto me!  I already said no!”

Nopony came to my aid, but Luna was definitely not cool with the unspoken game of shame.  An unspoken game of shame is where you do shameful acts in public, embarrassing the hell out of yourself and your friend/family/significant other.  They are random and lead to some of the most humiliating experiences in life.  Why do I play this game?  Because I always win.  I couldn’t care less what people think about me, thus, it’s always my opponents who end up feeling like complete idiots.

“That's not funny!” Her voice was quiet, yet demanding.  Still, she didn’t let go of me, thus I had no choice but to continue.  “Now stop before you cause a scene!”

That was the wrong thing to say.

“I'm not comfortable being hoofed there!” I cranked up the volume and made an even bigger show out of it all, “Somepony, quickly!  She keeps telling me to just let it happen!”

“Firewall, you moron!” She started to swat me in the back of the head, truly panicking now.

“HELP!  I'm telling Celestia!” I theatrically whimpered, “That's my bathing suit area!”

“S-Stop it!” She admitted defeat by jumping off my back.  “Okay, I let you go, now stop causing such a racket, you foal!”

I nearly doubled over laughing at her.  I kid you not, I turned her purple face bright red as she kept swinging her head around to see if anypony had come out to investigate the noise.  Unfortunately, none had, but I probably would have killed myself laughing if they had, so it was likely for the best.  When her natural color returned, she began to glare at me with super hate.  It was burning a hole in my skin!

“Oh?  What's this?” I slipped up to her with a smug cheshire smile,  “An effective counter to your trolling?  Is it Christmas already?”

It only made her glare at me even harder.  I neglected to tell her that if she didn’t stop, her face was going to get stuck that way.  “You wipe that stupid grin off your face or I'll show you an uncomfortable hoofing.”

“That's what she said!” I began to giggle uncontrollably again.

“You're a twit.” She turned away and started walking, leaving me to my amusement.  I wasn’t done though.  No, she trolled me one too many times past what was necessary for me to drop it at that.

I caught up to her, still chuckling as I pointed out the irony of the situation, “You do this crap to me all the time!  Especially the part where I'm fed up with it and you don't stop.  So now...”

I tackled her to the ground and started tickling her.  I’m not going to describe how it works beyond...  Well, just think of how you might tickle a pony.  It works just like that, most likely.

“Firewall, get off me!” she cried, flailing as she was resisting the urge to laugh.  I could see the signs though.  She was violently jerking from every poke and her breath was starting to stagger.  “Sto-ha!  Stop!”

“Negative, Ghostrider,” I announced, relentlessly letting into her, pouncing on her everytime she started to get away.

“You...  S-Stop!” she began to kick and shriek with her laughter now, truly losing the battle in the dirt, “Hahaha!!!  Q-Q-Quiddit!”

“I bring you a pain that you have never imagined!” I roared mercilessly.  Victory was mine!  MINE!

“Ahahahaha!!  S...  Stop!  I'm gonnaHaha!!  I'm gonna kill you!” Her threats were hollow and we both knew it.  Finally, she gave up, her admission of defeat a sweet sweet sound, “I...  Okay, you w-HA!  You win!  YOU WIN!”

I instantly let her go, smiling like a moron as she slowly got to her feet and gently rubbed her ribs with her wings.  I swung my head back and forth, happy to have harassed her into submission for once.  It finally made sense why she did it so much.  It felt great!

“Jerk,” she spat irritably.

“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” I fell over laughing.  Seriously, I was getting a cramp I was laughing so hard.  Why hadn’t I done this sooner!?  I could suffer this pain all day long if it meant getting to do this to Luna all the time.  I don’t think it was even possible for that to get old.  Maybe for her, but let’s be honest, that wouldn’t stop her were our situations reversed!

She didn’t think it was so funny.  “You shut up!”

“Oooohhh...  It hurts so good.” I wiped at my eyes with a hoof as I ever so gently stood back up, “Hehe...  I remember this going the other way last time.  Revenge is sweet~!”

“Ugh, not my finest moment,” she complained as she looked herself over, “I'm filthy.”

“I could have told you that.” Insert big arrogant jerk smile right here, coming right off my face.

Her glare was powerless to stop me!  “I thought I told you to shut up.”

“I think I said something like that, too!” That caused me to laugh a bit more, though it was bittersweet thanks to the ache in my gut from having laughed so much already.

With that, she reached a wing up to wrap around the back of my neck and yank me down towards her.  Without asking or even taking me out to dinner, she kissed me.  I’m not sure why other girlfriends in the past never tried this tactic to get me to shut up, but it works amazingly well.  I mean, my brain shut down in record time and was all GLEEEEE~!

“There.  That shut you up.” She huffed as though it were nothing, but there was this huge blush splayed along her cheeks and nose.  I smiled like a dreamy idiot and simply nuzzled at her, causing her to grin as she returned it with one of her own.  D’awwww~...  

“C'mon, Tia's starting to feel better, let's go see her,” she said out of nowhere, turning back towards the apple orchard.

“How do you know that?” I blinked, trotting a bit to catch up.

She smiled at me, “In your own words:  It's magic.  I ain't got to explain s-...”

I interrupted her before she could say it.  Even with that close call, I still kinda felt queasy.  “There's seriously something wrong with pony-cussing.”

“Damn?” she tested the waters, mostly to troll me.

My stomach turned.  “Lunaaaa~!”

“Heehee.  I'll keep that in mind!” she murmured with a chuckle before checking herself again, sighing softly, “Well, let’s get cleaned up first.  Then we go see Tia.”

We went and washed up (Separately, if you must know.  This isn’t Ponies After Dark, yanno.) before grabbing a quick snack from the food line.  Turns out, Celestia and the Mane Six were chilling out at my beloved campfire.  Celestia looked much better, which was kinda surprising after having seen the beating she had taken.  I queried about what was going on that made my campfire so tempting at such a late hour, but nopony really had any answer to give other than they saw Spike setting it up and figured something was going on.

It was a lot of small talk with everypony acting somewhat tense due to aftermath jitters, so Luna decided to help ease things up a bit.  She left and returned shortly with a box full of mugs and a barrel full of cider which warmed my heart to no end.  I happily served everypony (even Celestia had some!) while Twilight sorta manipulated the logs to make them more comfortable to sit/lay on, using a bit of magic.  It was still pretty quiet for the first half hour or so, but before long, they had all relaxed and things were suddenly on the right track.  Jokes were being tossed around, ponies let out adorable burps, and everything was right in the world.  That is, until we got into the Meta topic...  Yes, that’s right.  They brought it up.  Brace yourselves, you have no idea just how crazy things were about to get.

“So I hear you...  watch us from your world, and that's how you know us so well.” Rarity was trying to sound somewhat uninterested but it was equivalent to telling a pro football player offhand that you knew he liked to wear thongs.  It's just not going to be a gentle blow, I'm sorry.

“Nice, Twilight.  Let that out of the bag, why don'cha?” I gave her an impatient stare.

Applejack laughed a bit as Twilight gave me the most confused stare.  “Actually, it was Fluttershy, darlin'.”

Fluttershy began to panic as though she had been caught strangling a bunny, “I'm s-sorry!  I didn't know I w-wasn't supposed to!”

“Oh, well it's okay if Fluttershy did it.  Good job, Fluttershy!” I said quickly, almost entirely for the sole purpose of preserving Fluttershy's calm.  I breathed a sigh of relief as she settled down somewhat.

Twilight didn't like that one bit.  “Excuse me?  I get a glare if I do it, but Fluttershy gets a pat on the head?”

Apparently, double-standards are just unfair and to be quite frank, they are.  But this wasn't a double-standard.  It was a Flutterdouble standard.  Those are completely different.  I'm still floored that she wasn't aware of that.  It's like...  the most obvious thing ever, right?

“Yup.  She's Fluttershy.  She does no wrong.” In the words of Pinkie Pie...  Well, duh!

“Hahaha!” RD chuckled with a wink at her childhood friend, “Well, I guess that's a tradeoff for being a pegasus afraid of heights.”

Fluttershy did blush a tad, but she still smiled, able to take more of a joke, it would have seemed.  Nonetheless, I had to back her up.  Fluttershy needs protectin’, yo!

“Don't sweat it, Fluttershy, I used to be scared of heights, too.  Now it's just spiders.” Hey, everyone is afraid of heights at least once.

“Spiders are...  … nice.” She said with a grateful smile, happy to have my support.

“And that is why she can do no wrong.” I held a hoof out towards her as if to make an exemplary role out of her.  “Nobody can hate a pony that has absolutely zero hate within her.  Even when she’s wrong about spiders.”

“So everyone likes Fluttershy?”

“Eh, I'm sure there are some people that want to be special unique snowflakes that have to hate the popular thing, but yeah, for the most part.”

“What about me, huh?  Who couldn't like me, am I right?” Rainbow Dash made a show of posing like a stunt show’s main star, hopping up on two legs as she flexed.  Truer words have never been spoken, Dash, Truer words have never been spoken.

“Ya'll toot that horn any harder, Dash, and yer gonna pass out,” AJ warned with a begrudged smile.

“Actually, all you guys are loved.” I nodded to emphasize my words.  “Seriously.  Even Luna, and she only had two lines in the entire show.”

“Even though Tia was appearing in every other showing.” Luna said with an irritated sigh.  U JELLY WOONA?

Celestia fanned herself with a wing, pretending to show off a degree of self-admiration that we all knew didn’t exist.  “Well, I suppose there's no stopping greatness, after all.”

“Wait, 'show?'  You mean to say we're paraded as a play?” Rarity was very intrigued by this.

“Sorta, only...  … Ugh.  Too hard to explain.” I began thinking it over before giving up and simply taking what was offered, “Yes, it's like a thirty minute play every week.  Only we record it and watch it over and over.  You guys are pretty adorable and hilarious, after all.”

“That's so neato!  Are they watching right now, huh!?  Huh!?  Huh!?  HI, EVERYPONY!” Pinkie Pie is waving at you all.  Be polite and wave back, just be careful not to cut yourself on the broken fourth wall.  It’s sharp.

“I hope they're not watching.” I don’t know if I’d be allowed in the show, even if I was being recorded. “I'd have so much hatemail from jealous bronies.  I think some of the crazy ones might actually try to hunt me down.”

“I'm Pinkie Pie!” She really was trying too hard.  

“Stop that, Pinkie, you might bridge the worlds or something,” I warned her with a roll of my eyes, “Which would make a lot of people angry or happy.  But yeah, everypony here has their own place in the fandom.  Though some of you wouldn't like the fan interpretations.”

“Oh, this Ah gotta hear.” I was actually somewhat surprised to see that Applejack cared what humans thought of her.

“AJ, yours is usually the most sensible representation.” I admitted with an appreciative smile, “Best case you're shown as the model citizen and community driving force.  Worst, eh...  People sometimes see you as a dumb stubborn hick.”

“Hah!” AJ smiled brightly, proving to be a pretty good sport about it all, “Ah tend to be kinda dumb sometimes.  S'fair, I reckon.”

Luna quickly downed what was left of her cider and began laughing before calling out to her sister, “Oh, Tia, guess how you're sometimes represented!  Go on, guess!”

Celestia shrugged, seeming mostly uninterested in the culture of humanity, “Luna, I honestly haven't the slightest idea.  There's no possible way I could guess.”

“The especially cruel and self-serving tyrant!” I think it’s official by this point, that Luna needed to be tagged and documented as a habitual troll.  Someone needs to stop that pony...  … … Well, don’t look at me, I’m just a unicorn!

Then I got to see her Royal Majesty of Equestria do something a princess should never do.  As Luna’s words sunk in, she had been taking a drink of her cider.  The result?  The most marvelous and genuine spit take I had ever seen in my entire life.  Best part?  It was her that did it.  It would have just been funny if Twilight or Rarity did it, but seeing her Royalness blast an amber spray of fluid out of her mouth blew my mind on so many levels.  To make a long story short, I was awestruck.

After coughing a couple of times, she looked at ME in righteous indignation.  “W-What!?  She's making fun of me, isn't she?!”

“Dude, that was an honest-to-god spit take.” I totally deflected.  I wasn’t going to be made a target.  It’s just wasn’t in the cards that day.  “I've never seen one in real life.  Not a real one, anyway.  Celestia, you're my hero.”

“Answer the question, Firewall!” She didn’t like where this was going.

Further deflection was needed, so I let my eyes glaze over as I put on the most mystified voice I could, “My word, your mane is so radiant and stunning...  I can't even think of anything else except cider.  More cider, anypony?”

I was not going to be the target of that question.

“Yes, please.” Rarity held up her hoof, smiling beautifully as Celestia gave up and attempted to take a second drink from her glass.

“Don't let it bother you, Princess,” Twilight laughed a tad as I cantered over to bring Rarity her requested beverage,  “Apparently, humans also speculate upon any possible romantic relationships we might have with other ponies and have the tendency to...  speculate crossings with...  each other.  As in, like...  everypony here.”

Then the amazing happened yet a second time.  Celestia did a second spit take, still managing to appear lovely and regal whilst doing so.  I would have been blown away a second time, but I happened to have been walking right in front of her the second time as I handed Rarity her cider.

“Oh, Firewall!” Celestia blushed, embarrassed at covering me in her alcoholic mouthwash, “I am so sorry!”

“No, it's a hint.” Normally, I would have been irritated, but having just got her back, I was going to let it slide.  “You want me to take a shower, I get it.”

Rainbow Dash nearly died choking on her cider as she laughed.  Pinkie was right there with her, having fallen off her log and guffawing uncontrollably.  I gave Celestia a look as she covered her mouth to avoid laughing at my expense.  Applejack and Fluttershy weren't as amused, but they still grinned a tad as Rarity and Twilight tag teamed a few spells to try and help clean me off.  They may have dried off my coat, but my pride was still dripping wet!  I went back to my spot beside Luna who gave me a sniff.

“Mmm.  You smell tasty,” she made a display of om-nom-noming at my ear, causing me to lean away from her.

“Apples make everything better!” Pinkie Pie chirped as she hopped back onto her log.

“Eeeeexactly,” AJ agreed with a wink, “It'll sure hide that foul smellin' smoke away.”

“Ponies got jokes, I see.” I shook my head, rolling my eyes despite the smirk finding its way on my face.

Fluttershy looked very ponderous, pursing her mouth as she stared into her cider before giving it a cute sip.  She finally worked up the courage to speak after letting whatever idea she had rolling around take root.

“Why would humans dream up such things?” She tilted her head and gave me the FlutterSpock eyebrow.

“Humans are about as creative as a Draconequus, Fluttershy,” Luna explained with a wing shrug, leaning onto me with a smirk, “They think it's funny.”

“Or cute.  Or sometimes we just want something to focus on,” I gave a nod, “I mean, what's not to love about you guys?”

“Indeed~!” Rarity displayed a half-hearted attempt at a model shot, putting her hoof under her chin and giving her best 'Come Hither' eyes.

“So...  What's your favorite pairing, Firewall?” Luna slapped at me with her tail.

Celestia turned my way with a curious smirk.  “Oh, this should be good.”

I refused to be cowed!  I would not be trolled!  Consequences be damned, I had the leg up on Luna today and I wasn't going to give in!

“Oh, well...  I have no straight up favorite, since I've read quite a few.  The best are usually AppleDash or Twixie.  Though, I did read an amazing RariTia,” I answered casually before finishing off my cider and pouring myself a second one, “Oh, and there was a really sweet and adorable FlutterPie comic that I saw once.  It was a real popular one, too.”

They all looked at me like I had just let one rip and had blamed it on one of them (actually, I think their expressions were much more disgusted than that).  Well, all of them except Luna and Pinkie Pie, actually, both of whom were laughing after observing the reactions from the others.

“You really weren't joking, Twilight.  Well, I can see why David was so adamantly refusing to tell me about his world,” Celestia said with a strained sigh as though her mind was suffering from backlash.

“Me...  And Applejack?!” Dash didn't seem very amicable to the idea in the slightest.  “But she's so...  … Farmy!”

“And what in the hay is that supposed to mean?” The insult seemed to bother AJ more than the musings of some alien race, “Ya got a problem with farmin'?”

“Twixie?” Twilight was trying to put it together, and unfortunately for her sake, it did not take her long.  She slowly turned about three shades greener before suddenly throwing back the rest of her cider.

Rarity simply seemed to be trying to force such an idea out of her brain.  I guess that's not what she had in mind when she wanted to marry into royalty.  I think she was casting a Brain Bleach spell on herself or something.

Fluttershy, on the other hand was just having difficulties trying to process my words.  She wasn't disgusted or appalled; she was simply trying to figure out the thought process of the humans.

“That doesn't make much sense,” she murmured quietly before giggling and giving us a rare Flutterjoke!  “I mean, Pinkie and I haven't even held hooves.”  (They do hold hooves!  AHA!  I KNEW IT!  *Hair deflate!*)

Instantly, Pinkie Pie was before Fluttershy, kneeling like a gentlecolt with one hoof stretched out to her and the other thrown back dramatically.  She coughed to clear her throat and took on the most haughty and silly Prince Charming voice she could adopt.

“Oh, Fluttershy~!” she cried out as I facehoofed, knowing where this was going, “At last, I am free to confess my feelings.  Feelings so deep they dwarf the mighty ocean~!”

Rainbow Dash laughed at the show as Twilight magicked up a violin and began playing an unnecessarily romantic tune.  (So now she can play the violin, too?  What can't you do, Twilight?!)  Even Celestia got in on it and shone a spotlight on the pair as Fluttershy went along with the joke, having imbibed just enough to be less inhibited.

“Oh, Pinkie.  Are you saying what I think you are?” Fluttershy held a hoof to her forehead, her voice as dramatic as her co-actor's.

“Oh brother.” Applejack gave a roll of the eyes but was unable to avoid grinning.

“I think I've read this already,” Luna laughed as I watched ponies make fun of bronies.

“Tis so, Fair Fluttershy!” Pinkie took Fluttershy's hoof within her own and failed to suppress a titter before continuing, “My love for thee is blah blah blah, something romantic!  Take not my heart to break, for you alone could destroy it!”

“I've not drank enough apple cider for this,” I chuckled sadly, “This fan fic would get scorned to the depths of hell by the pre-readers on Equestria Daily.”

“But Pinkie Pie!” Fluttershy struggled to not giggle.  “What would the others say?  Ponies would talk!”

“Let them talk!” Pinkie hugged Fluttershy's neck before turning and throwing her arm out to the sky and audience, “The world is about us, Lady Shy!  Nopony sha'nt not...  err.  They won't get in our way!”

“Oh, Pinkie Pie!” Fluttershy had to turn her head away to laugh without breaking character.

“I think I'm going to cry.” Rarity took a bit of the stage, pretending to dab at emotional tears that she didn't really have.  “I'm moved in ways that make me feel...  ill.”

“Oh, Fluttershy!” Pinkie dramatically smooshed her face against Fluttershy's cheek, planting a big silly kiss on the yellow pegasi.  “MMMMWAH!”

“Bravo!” Luna cheered happily as the two finally couldn't take it anymore and began laughing like a pair of hyenas.

“I think we have a new Bridleway play to send in.” Twilight let her violin disappear with a snicker.

“Oh, for certain,” Celestia agreed with a regal laugh, sighing happily, “It would sell out every time.”

I know, it's mind blowing.  Pony parodies about humanity's pony parodies.  PONYPARODYCEPTION!  In all seriousness, though, seeing them taking everything so nonchalantly made me feel so much better.  I was hiding all this from them and really, there just didn't seem to be any danger or reason behind it.  They were creatures that laughed, cried, loved, hated, lived, and died just like humans.  So what if they were candy-colored and could use magic?  I was candy-colored (sorta) and could use magic, too.  Did that make me less human?  I don't think it did.  Did it make me more awesome?  Buck yeah.

“I've not done this in quite some time.” Celestia gave a wistful sigh.  “Just sitting with ponies I care about and talking about silly things just for the sake of having a good time.  I don't get the chance often.”

“You wanted to manage everything, don't forget that.” Luna gave her a wink as if to say 'I told you so.'

Celestia nodded as she took another drink of her cider. “I know.  I don't regret my decision.  Well, not all the time, anyway.”

“It's okay if you want to push some stuff my way,” Luna offered with a smile, “I likely understand a lot more about a lot of things than you now, thanks to Firewall and my uncontrollable curiosity.”

“That...  is true, I suppose.” Celestia gave a ponderous stare off into the night sky.

“So what about me, Sir Firewall?” Rarity dazzled me with her smile.  “Am I as popular as the others.”

“Definitely,” I answered with a nod, “I mean, at first nobody liked you, but when you proved that you don't only sparkle like a diamond but are as tough as one...  Well, you just grew on us all.  You guys all have amazing depth and are pure as can be, so naturally, you melted my heart right away, and I'm not even slightly unique in that department.  It's not like any of you are actually unliked.  It's just a person-by-person basis on which pony they like most.  Like, my personal favorite is Dash, but I've always wondered if, deep down, I didn't love Rarity even more.”

“I'm liking the sound of this world more and more,” Rarity commented as she styled her mane, casting her gaze about inquisitively, “I wonder if we are being watched.  Hmm.”

“Ah wouldn't worry about it,” Applejack said with another swig, “If they like watchin' us, then Ah'm sure they'd rather we be ourselves rather than try an' cater to 'em.”

Oh, AJ.  You will never be a dumb hick in my eyes.  You are not a silly pony.

“I wouldn't get too cozy with humans, Rarity.” Luna warned her, smirking deviously.  Troll Alert~!  SOUND THE PINKIE ALARM!  “Some of them do pretty strange things like visit Equestria and turn into fire breathing unicorns.”

“Yeah, but those are the awesome kind!” Rainbow Dash had totally just vouched for me.  I could have squee'd if I was by myself.  As it were, though, I kept my squee to myself.  Yeah, I know, I was finally getting it under control!

“And some are like David,” Rarity commented with a nod, seeming to understand her completely, “I am quite well aware, Pr-...  Ahem...  Luna.”

Celestia noticed the Rarity's intentional act of not using Luna's title, but she didn't make a thing out of it.

“I meant others will do things such as...  compare you to a marshmallow!” Luna grinned broadly as Rarity blinked in confusion.

“Wow, you totally went there.” I had forgotten all about that, and getting it out of left field caused me to start chuckling despite myself.

“What?  You mean she's being serious?!” Rarity gasped as Twilight and Fluttershy took on pensive stares, not getting the joke.  Pinkie understood it right away and began laughing maniacally, gasping for breath as she flailed.

“I don't...  get it?” Fluttershy stated, scratching the side of her head with a hoof.

“Oh my!” Celestia covered her hoof with her mouth, blinking in shock before withholding her laughter.  “Let me...  Let me enlighten you.”

With that, she summoned up a big tasty marshmallow to which Pinkie Pie immediately jumped up and executed a beautiful dive-chomp, devouring the airborne treat in an instant.

“Pinkie Pie, you ruin everything!” I exclaimed as we all fell into a chorus of lulz.

Her gooey white grin told me she was okay with that.

“Let's try again.” Celestia summoned another one, only barely able to keep her face straight as she floated it over to Rarity, “Lady Rarity, please raise your hoof.”

“Oh my goodness!” Twilight finally caught on, choking down her laughter as best she could.  She wasn't very good at it.

Rarity did as she was told, still left out of the loop.  When Celestia floated the edible puff next to Rarity's hoof though, everypony else finally caught up.  There was no denying that her hoof looked exactly like the object floating beside it.  Her face turned red; like, beet red.  She didn't like this development and instinctively slapped the marshmallow away, sending it airborne into Pinkie Pie's mouth as we all got our laughing out.  Poor Rarity.  She was not prepared for such a shock, it seemed.

“Humans are back to being strange and insufferable,” she huffed in a matter-of-fact tone, “Present company excluded.”

“Well, thanks for t-...” I began to say before getting interrupted by a thunderous crash not ten feet behind me.  I jumped with fright, accidentally throwing most of my cider on Luna who looked at me with the most sour expression she could manage.  We call that a silver lining, kiddos.  Nonetheless, that stupid jackpony still scared me and everypony else with his arrival.  I was still mad at him, too, so I was twice as unhappy about his arrival!  Screw Captain Storm Wing!

“Storm Wing,” Celestia rubbed her forehead with a hoof, “I won't tell you again.  You will learn to land in a subtle and quiet fashion or you will learn to not land at all.”

“Forgive me, Princess.” He seemed a tad surprised to see her, and quickly bowed behind her after approaching, “I am glad to see you are feeling better.”

“Thank you, Captain Storm Wing,” she replied without looking back, shutting her eyes as though she were mentally preparing herself, “I assume you are here to give a report?”

“Yes, your highness,” he confirmed before lifting his head, “Appleloosa has been secured and the Pact Ponies have been imprisoned for the time being.  I saw to it that they were made comfortable, nonetheless.”

“Pact Ponies?” I looked at Luna, rather confused.

Luna nodded, not even looking my way, “An order I gave to Storm before I sent him to check on Celestia.  I’ll tell you later.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what it’s like to be out of the loop!

“Very good.” Celestia turned her head to face him somewhat, “Is there anything else?”

“No, Princess,” he replied, “I merely did my usual rounds and set up a night shift from the Sky Archons who have recovered enough to return to active duty, though I do not expect they will be seeing any opposition tonight.”

“Well, they must be tired.  If you feel nothing will happen overnight, then I think all Sky Archons should get some rest.  That includes you, Captain,” Celestia murmured curtly before turning back to her drink, “We should be fine tonight.”

Storm didn't like the sound of that in the least.  He opened his mouth to protest, but shut it instead and lowered his head.

“Yes, your maj-...” he began to say before my loud, deliberate coughing interrupted him.

He glanced my way (You see why I have troubles believing he's blind?  HE STILL LOOKS AROUND!) with a scarcely suppressed glare before seeing my motions.  I was shaking my head, mouthing the word 'No' to him.  I didn't think that was a good idea either and he needed to take a stand for the right thing for once.  I mean, the one time I had seen him disobey Celestia before that was give me hell that I didn’t earn and now something that he needs to get solid about, he falls down.  I just wanted to scream, ‘Dude, you missed!  Twice!’

“What are you doing?” Luna whispered to me as I smiled innocently at her.

Storm Wing got the message and gave a slight nod before lifting his head proudly and clearing his throat.  “Actually...  Princess, I do not think that is a good idea.”

“Questioning my orders, Captain?” Celestia immediately responded, not even looking back at him.

He stood his ground and even dug his hooves in a tad, “Yes, Princess.  This is what the Sky Archons are for.  Allowing them rest that they do not absolutely need in these dangerous times is a waste of their abilities.”

Celestia blinked before smiling softly and looking back at him.  She then cocked her head, silently asking him to come around before her, which he did so without a moment's hesitation.

“I think I prefer my idea more, Storm Wing,” she continued to smile as she spoke, “Perhaps you should do as I order and trust in my judgment.”

“Princess.” He shut his eyes, either frustrated that she was antagonizing him or irritated with her stubbornness.  “Please, allow me to do my job.  Leaving us unprotected at night with an unpredictable foe at large is...”

“Is what?” She took another sip of her drink.

I was confident that she was just trying to get Storm Wing to grow a pair and start really stepping up to the plate, but everypony else was deathly silent, as though they were waiting for an explosion to go off.

“It's...  It's just foalish and reckless!” He looked ashamed, as though he didn't want to say what he felt, but from what I've been told, Celestia is a damn good lie detector.

“I see,” she murmured softly before finishing her beverage and losing her smile, “And what do you plan to do if I order you to do so anyway?”

“Then I would have to disobey and simply take night watch myself,” he answered her, facing her gaze head on, “I can't take the chance, your highness.  I have no excuse to give.”

“I see.  If that is the case, then I think a change is in order.  Take off your armor.” Her words were soft, but the implications were brutal.  I didn't like where this was going.

“W...  What?” Storm took a step back, his stern visage crumbling to shock.

“Remove your armor, Storm Wing,” she ordered, not even blinking as the words left her mouth.

Storm obeyed, after a few moments of hesitation.  It was hard to watch.  See, you can get that armor on and off (most of it anyway) by yourself, but it involves a lot of embarrassing twisting and turning and fumbling at clasps you can't see.  Basically, it takes twice as long and you look incredibly stupid while doing so.  At first he was angry, and threw every piece at her feet, enraged at such treatment but it wasn't long before it was sinking in that he was losing his life's purpose.  This understanding eventually sucked the wind out of his sails and he suddenly wasn't so quick to yank and throw about his armor.  He lost his fury and it spiraled into pain as he had only his helmet on, unable to undo the braid.  Celestia allowed him a modicum of pity with a bit of magic, untying his braid so that he could pull off the helmet.  As he did, though, I saw a tear roll down his face which he quickly wiped away.  His long mane fell down past his neck; halfway to the ground as it tore free from the helmet.  He turned his head away from Celestia and coughed softly, failing to mask the shrill sob that escaped his throat.  I wanted so hard to believe that what was likely about to happen was not going to happen and that Celestia was just trolling him (and us by proxy).  I mean, sure, I was still mad at him, but that didn’t mean I wanted to see him in pain.

“Tia, stop it,” Luna ordered, glaring daggers right at her sister.

“Hush,” I whispered to her.  Luna wasn’t caught up to speed on everything that had happened, so while my heart was going out to Storm Wing, I was going to trust Celestia’s judgment.  Harsh as it seemed, maybe it was what he needed.

“Do you have anything else to say before I pass leadership on to Winter Sky?” Celestia ignored her, flooring us all with that sentence.  I stared as my heartstrings pretty much snapped in two upon watching Storm Wing's head fall and fresh tears began flowing.  For several seconds, he said not a word.

“I just...  I just wanted to protect you.” His throat was dry and without any warning whatsoever, a second sob escaped along with several more tears.  “Princess, please understand...”

“Then, if that is all:  Storm Wing, you are hereby relieved of your command as a Captain, your authority as a Sky Archon, and are expelled from the division altogether,” Celestia stared down at him, her face set in stone.

“Princess!” Twilight's plea was comprised of only one word, but she was saying a lot more along with it.  Things like 'what the hell are you doing?'  'This is a huge overreaction, is it not?'  

I watched as my friend fell to his knees and began to gently weep, covering his face with one hoof as he braced himself up with the other.  I felt my own vision blur before snapping my head to face Celestia.  I felt some of my anger slowly direct it’s way to her, but at the same time, I’d been taking a lot of flak from Storm today.  So even though it makes me sound like a bad friend, I didn’t feel this overwhelming urge to back him up.

I caught sight of Rarity doing her best to not cry right along with Storm Wing.  It was obvious that she was utterly mortified at having to watch this horrible event take place but for once, Rarity withheld any theatrical urges that she might have had.  She wasn't the only one affected; even Pinkie Pie couldn't find something to laugh about.  Lafter was trying to think of more reasons why I shouldn't get up and start dogcussing Celestia's face in, but Stoic was reminding me that he had brought this upon himself in the first place.  Besides, what was I to do?  Hit her?  Make things worse?  As much as it pained me, and it was indeed killing me to watch my friend's heart shatter, all I could reasonably do was watch it happen.

“P-Please, Prin...  Princess,” he begged in a croaked and strained voice as he lifted his head to her, “What did...  What did I do wrong?”

“You have changed, Storm Wing.  And not for the better.” Her vision hardened considerably.  Judging purely by how upset she looked, this had obviously been on her mind for a long time.  “I remember a thousand years ago when you would never have touched your friends in malice.  Yet today, I watched you raise your voice and your magic against Firewall.  Then again, not even an hour later, so I’m told by Winter Sky!  I could not believe my ears when he told me what had happened.  I have never been so ashamed of you, Storm Wing.”

And now I felt doubly responsible for what was going on.  I mean, yeah, Storm Wing really had something like this coming all day long, but I dunno.  It just seemed a little too much.  What was a big surprise was how everypony was totally blown away at the revelation that I had been today’s butt monkey.  I’m not sure why, it’s not like that was anything new.

“I...  I was j-just trying to...  to protect you.” His voice was hoarse from straining so much; namely his efforts directed towards not break down sobbing.

“Protect me?  Storm Wing, I am an alicorn that has seen several dozen millennia pass by!” She stood up from her perch on the log and glared all the more intensely at him.  “I do not need protection from Firewall, Pinkie Pie, or a spider she put on her face!”

Everypony glanced at the blushing Pinkie Pie.  That was the first and last time I’ve ever seen that pony even slightly flustered.

“I just...  I don’t want anything to happen,” he coughed, sniffing somewhat, “I don’t w-want...  I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

“It hurts me more to see you like this, Storm!” she cried out, shaking her head in frustration, “I can’t bear to see you change into something you aren’t!  Your protection is not what I want.  It’s never been what I wanted.  It’s never even been what you wanted, either.  Look at your cutie mark!  It’s not a shield.  It’s not a weapon.  Being a Sky Archon isn’t what makes you happy and it isn’t what makes me happy.  If you have to protect me to be with me, and protecting me makes us both unhappy, then I would rather you leave me be, Storm.”

He finally dropped his head as he could no longer hold back his tears and cries.  A thousand years of age and before Celestia, he was but a child.  I thought on that for a moment before it all suddenly made sense to me.  Storm wasn't just a child, before her.  He was her child.  To Celestia, it did not matter whether he was ten days old or ten thousand years old, she had still taken him in as her own.  And no matter how hard Storm Wing tried to think of her as his Princess, whom he felt he needed to protect, she would always be his mother.  This wasn’t a Princess dressing down her Captain.  It was a mother berating her son.  Harshly, too!

“I'm s-so...  So sorry,” he gasped between ragged breaths, “I'll d-do anything...  D..  Don't send m-me...  away from your s-side.  I...  I c-can't...  I...  I l-love you.  Mother...”

Celestia’s stern expression melted away as she let out a shaky breath.  She looked at the mug that was trembling within the grip of her magic and gently set it to the side before she dropped it as a result from her loss of composure.

“Princess, um...  Perhaps you could see...  that possibly things...  well, you see...  It's just, perhaps you might agree that you are overreacting...  um...  just a little?” Fluttershy bravely stood up with misty eyes, wiping at them before approaching and hugging Storm Wing's neck.  I honestly expected him to push her away as emotionally wrecked as he was, but to my surprise, he actually leaned somewhat against her.

When Fluttershy inhaled to carry on vouching for Storm Wing’s case, Celestia held up a wing to silence her.  Luna actually got up, intending to leave so as to not further witness what was taking place, but I hopped up and gave her a nudge, earning myself an extra-mean, extra-tearful glare from her.  I shook my head and nodded at Celestia as she swept aside all the armor in front of her with a brush of her other wing before stepping closer.  She gave Fluttershy a soft smile, motioning for her to step back, to which the yellow pegasus hesitantly complied.  Then, kneeling down along with him, Celestia slowly pulled her wings about him and hugged tightly, causing him to jerk his head up in surprise whilst blinking in confusion.  We all went utterly silent at the scene.  No more tears were being shed; no more words were being said.

“Send you away?” her voice had lost its edge and was slowly replaced with chagrin, “Is that what you think I want?”

“You...  You said...” he stammered, never fully getting the sentence out.

“I sent you away when I allowed you to become a Sky Archon,” Celestia whispered softly, draping her neck down over the back of his, “Because I thought that was what you wanted.  All I ever wanted is for you to be happy.  Storm Wing, when was the last time you were happy?”

His eyes were wide with shock as the reality sunk in what had just happened.  Celestia's now freed tears gently rolled down onto him as she continued to embrace him

“I...  I don’t...  know.” His tears were drying up as his voice began to make a return.

“I do,” Celestia replied softly, slowly running the tip of her wing along his mane, “I remember when the Wonderbolts were first formed; when you first got your cutie mark.  You were a shoe-in at the try outs and I was so happy for you.  But you didn’t join them and...  you never told me why.”

Dash’s jaw hit the ground like a sledgehammer!  Or it would have if it could reach the ground.  Apparently, Storm Wing came very close to being a founding member of the Wonderbolts and this turn of events was not setting well with her perception of reality.  Still, amusing reactions on the side weren’t helping to ease the awkwardness of the situation.  I felt as though this was personal and that it should be done in private, yet neither Celestia nor Storm Wing seemed to be particularly bothered by that.  In fact, looking back now, I remember loads of times where ponies had shown plenty of affection and the only one that felt awkward about it was me, really.

“I...  I barely remember my first century,” Storm Wing admitted with a soft gulp, “But I...  remember feeling scared about leaving; like a whisper at the back of my neck.  That dangers would come while I was away.  And that I needed to protect you.”

Celestia sighed softly before speaking again, “Are you still afraid, Storm Wing?”

I watched as he mulled this about for a bit, hesitating before responding, “More than ever.  But I can’t...  let my fears control me.”

“Then stop being what you aren’t, Storm Wing.” Celestia stood back up smiling brightly after pausing to rub at her eyes.  Then, without any warning, her horn began to glow and a small silver crown with a blue sapphire winged inlay in its design appeared on Storm Wing’s head as his hair was pulled back into its original braid.  I was too busy being dumbfounded to comment on just how girly it looked, but there you have it.  Pretty pretty Storm Wing.  

“And start being the prince you were meant to be,” she said with a comforting smile before glancing my way pointedly, “Speaking of which, I think I know a good place for you to start.”

Storm Wing’s head lowered again as he realized what she was getting at.  Without much delay, though, he turned and flew over to me.  He held out his hoof to me without saying anything and I decided that wasn’t good enough.  I know, I’m a jerk.  However, I did take my empty cup and placed it over his hoof with a smile.

“It fits!” I proclaimed as I threw my hooves in the air.  His response was to blink in confusion before getting the message and letting out a sigh.

“I’m sorry, Firewall,” he said, his tone and expression both quite earnest, “You’re the first real friend I’ve had in a long time and...  I’ve not treated you like one even though you did your best to treat me as a friend should.”

“No problem,” I said with a smile, taking magical hold of his hoof after removing the mug I had placed on it, “Hey, you remember that day I said something about bromance?”

“Don’t y-...” He started to threaten me before getting yanked into an awesome brohug.  He was hesitant to comply but he eventually got around to gently patting on my back to let me know he cared.

“Awww~!” I heard Twilight gush at us.

“Okay, that’s enough,” he pulled away, but I held fast.

“No, wait...  Just a little longer,” I whispered in a sultry voice, rousing an uplifting roar of laughter from everypony else.

He broke away from me in record time before giving me a glare that eventually degenerated into a smirk.

“You’re a freak,” he said quite plainly.

“You enjoyed that too much,” Luna protested, her expression wreathed in faux anger, “You don’t even hug me that tightly.”

“Well, you’re not as pretty as Storm Wing!” I stuck my tongue out at her before continuing.  “Just look at that hair!  He’s so dainty and cute!”

“I hate you,” he seethed, chuckling despite himself.

“Screw you, too, Prince Storm Wing.” I winked back with a grin.

Chapter Eleven                                                                Chapter Thirteen

If you waved at Pinkie Pie, you have to post about it in the comments.  No excuses.  None.  Also, no sneak peak this time.  Trying something new.  :3

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

By CardsLafter

Chapter Thirteen:  Gonna Love and Tolerate the Chapter Outta You!

Dude, it’s been a hectic while since I updated.  Sorry about that, everypony.  I’ve been doing my bestest, but what with the job hunting and the moving to Arkansas... Well, let’s just say times have been better.  But they’ve been worse, too!  :D  So awesome sauce, don’t let it get ya down!

So anyway, I really want to thank all the Christmas well-wishers.  I hope everyone had a Christmas as good as mine (I got a pony!) and if you didn’t, don’t worry. ;)  There are more Christmases to be had!  Also, I want to begrudgingly thank everypony that gifted me steam games.  I felt so bad that I didn’t have the money to give games back.  The worst part?  XD  When I asked for readers to stop, I instantly got like... six more!  I was all, “Dude!  You missed!  I said don’t!  DON’T!”  Ah well, thanks anyway. :3

So here’s an update on future projects:

First:  Finish Part I.  That’s this.  Two more chapters and we’re done.  They may be longer (God, I hope not) or they may be shorter.

Second:  Take a couple months off and do a few short stories of side stuff relating to the fiction.  Nothing huge, but fun stuff.

Third:  Rewrite Part I to be MUCH more cohesive, readable, and consistent.  The first four chapters just plain hurt, the next four have parts that make me cringe, and the latest four look nothing like the beginning in terms of quality, humor, or story.

Fourth: Start on Part II.  I want to get to this part so bad, you guys have no idea.  I’m literally having writer’s block that kicks me in the butt when I try to write anything else.  So many ideas bursting forth that I want to throw at you guys, you just have no idea.  I’ll say this... It’s going to blow Part I out of the water, albeit it will have more serious undertones.

Fifth: Take over the world using the fanbase I will have acquired by that point.

I got Skyrim!  I have not played it!  You know why?  Because I know myself.  I know the moment I open up that game, that’s it.  I’m done.  I won’t be able to write, job-hunt, eat, sleep, bio-break; Nothing! So Skyrim will wait until I have some time to get it out of my system.  Man, 2011 was a year for gamers, was it not?

Wow, twenty-four thousand words.  Damn it.  I was so certain it would fall under 20k this time.  Damn!  I was closer, though.  We’re getting better at that.  Here’s to hoping for better luck in the future.

Aaaand, I think that’s it.  It’s a Hot Pocket inside of a Hot Pocket.

OH!  That reminds me.  The nonsense in the comments section?  Comedy gold.  You guys are awesome~! <3 NOW ON WITH THE SHOW!

NEW MUSAK! :D Thanks to Psychadelic Brony!

Happy Holidays from the worst troll pairing ever.  EVER.  Brought to you by Mick!

Elementary, my dear Toastwaffle!  The only thing we need... Is a monocle!

Who is best OC-Pony?  Lucky is!  :D  We lurves Lucky, don’t we?  Thanks to IceStorm!

Oh hell.  We know where this is going, don’t we. :/  Sunova... WHY, DCOTI!?  WHY?!

CSIMadMax took pity on me and made the best looking Mane/Tail ever.  <3 Her! <3 Her!

sircinnamon violated the laws of nature to make this. >:(  That bastard!

So, I was having this awesome dream, right?  Right.  It involved the Starship Enterprise fighting off the Transformers (all of them) and Princess Celestia stepping out of Equestria, telling the damn kids to get off her lawn before blasting everything out of the sky space with a Rainbow Shoop-Da-Woop.  I was awestruck at her Shoop face.  Though I was afraid she might turn it on me, it was a chance I had to take if it meant basking in that awesome.  I space-galloped over to her and threw my hooves up in a cheer.

“You’re a beast!” I enthusiastically complimented her.

“Why thank you, Firewall,” she replied with a smile, her face turning back into its usual regal form, “I know I’m amazing, but there’s something else that I think you should know.”

My eyes expanded beyond what was natural and/or healthy as I nodded eagerly.  This pony had to know.  GAIZ, IT WAS IMPORTENT.

“I know something,” She murmured gently, her voice fearful and cautious as she looked about.  She then beckoned me closer with a hoof, and I complied, turning my head a bit so that she could whisper.  What happened next would forever chill me to the bone.  I feel I should caution you, what you are about to read might just ruin your life.  You were warned...

♫ I know a song that gets on everypony’s nerves~...  Everypony’s nerves~ … Everypony’s nerves~... I know a song that gets on everypony’s nerves and this is how it goes~ ♫

♫ I know a song that gets on everypony’s nerves~...  Everypony’s nerves~ … Everypony’s nerves~... I know a song that gets on everypony’s nerves and this is how it goes~ ♫

I opened my eyes lazily as I wondered where the hell I was.  Dark room, stone walls, fancy bed... Oh right; Canterlot.  See, I’d been ordered by goddess almighty Luna to start sleeping in a bed like everypony else, instead of outside.  Naturally, my first reaction was to drag a bed outside.  Lately, though, Luna has been magicking it right back to where I stole it from with me in it.  Fairly certain there are laws against such forms of short range foalnapping.

♫ I know a song that gets on everypony’s nerves~...  Everypony’s nerves~ … Everypony’s nerves~... I know a song that gets on everypony’s nerves and this is how it goes~ ♫

My next thought was to find out where that stupid music was coming from.  If I had taken the time to think clearly, I would have figured it out without much effort.  However, my brain was still loading up; from the rate it was going, I could tell today was going to be a Vista Home Premium day.  I slowly rolled over to see a big happy grin plastered to an indigo alicorn.  I blinked a few times before rolling back over, content to ignore.  She would not be deterred, though.

♫ I know a song that gets on everypony’s nerves~...  Everypony’s nerves~ … Everypony’s nerves~... I know a song that gets on everypony’s nerves and this is how it goes~ ♫

“Luna,” I whimpered tiredly, “what time is it?”

“Time for you to get up!” she chirped before biting the covers and yanking them off.

“No, it’s not.” I checked my internal clock.  It was a half ‘Go The Buck To Sleep’ past ‘Nap Time’ on this lovely day.  To my dismay, she did not believe me.

♫ I know a song that get’s on everypony’s nerves~...  Everypony’s nerves~ … Everypony’s nerves~... I know a song that gets on everypony’s nerves and this is how it goes~ ♫

“Fiiine~!” I rolled off the bed and smacked onto the floor.  There’s a certain art to crashing into the ground as hard as possible without hurting yourself.  I’m like the Leonardo Da Vinci of that particular section of sub-culture.

She walked around the bed and nudged at me, “Celestia is returning to Canterlot today.  With Ponyville and Appleloosa back in order, she says she needs to set some things straight with us.  I need you to get your game face on, I think she’s going to try and get us to stop...”

“Dating?” I rolled over with a yawn before pushing myself up.

She gave me a look as though I were dumbing things down. “That sounds so...”

“Fine.  We’re trolling.  It’s kinda like dating, only more painful.” I smacked my lips a few times before walking to the closest window and opening it.  I wished I hadn’t, though.  Celestia nearly killed me with that sun of hers.  After I adjusted to the light, I whipped out a Mareboro and lit up.  Sorry, it was a good quarter mile walk to get to the garden.  Luna picked out one hell of a spire for me to crash in.  

“That sounds more appropriate,” she said with a laugh, casting a spell to fan my smoke out the window more effectively.  I looked down at Canterlot’s civilian sector, happy to see ponies moving about in it once more.  It had been a couple of months since David and his Pact Ponies went into hiding.  A couple of boring ones, mind you.  Other than putting broken things back together, not much had been happening.  Everypony was so busy that I didn’t even get to chill with friends.  Up until this point, it was so freaking boring that I almost compared it to Earth.  Almost.  Still, I wasn’t complaining.  Things had been on the rise and normalcy (meaning utopia) was starting to reassert itself.

Crazy thing, though?  Turns out there were quite a few other Pact Ponies.  Luna was smart and had put the Sky Archons to interrogating the citizens with simple questions.  Those that couldn’t answer them without wincing like they were getting their brains scrubbed with a scour sponge were put under lock and key.  Most were pretty relieved, though.  

“Okay.” I nodded before looking back at her with a sigh. “So, we’re going to get the talk.  Hey, let me ask you something.  Does it ever bother you?  I mean, naturally this ain’t like Elf and Human.  This is a pretty significant difference in races.”

“Nope!” She smiled brightly at me before cantering over and pecking my cheek. “I’m quite happy to break the rules.”

“Cause I’m just sayin’.  We get sent to the moon, I am totally breaking up with you,” I murmured sardonically with a wink.

She hoofed me in the ribs.  She violences me so much. “Hah!  And who else would you be with on the moon, hmmm?”

“I wonder if Celestia would lighten my sentence in return for certain favors.” Suggestive Firewall is Suggestive.  Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge, Say no more, Say no more!

Her face got all red and blushy, it was just too adorable.  The whole jaw dropping thing was what sold it, though.  Just suggesting such an idea was filling her with jealous rage, which I admit, kinda made me feel all loved and wanted.  Wait... … Is that why women do that!?  THEY TALK ABOUT OTHER GUYS SO YOU GET JEALOUS AND MAKE THEM FEEL DESIRED?!  WHAT NONSENSE IS THAT?! … … Naw, that’s probably not it.  (It so is!)

“You lay a hoof on my sister and I will have two reasons to pull out pieces of you that are designed to stay put!” she threatened with an intense glare.  Fierce Luna is best Luna.  I gave her a big smile to which she magicked one of the pillows off the bed and utterly beaned me with that sucker.  It may have been a pillow, but I don’t care what you say.  If it’s going fast enough to break all American speed limits, it’s gonna hurt.  The result was me flat on my back watching the room spin about.

“Woah.” I sat back up and immediately checked my cigarette’s integrity.  Thankfully, all was well.  Huzzah!

She turned to leave, happy with the results of her abuse. “I’ll be sure to let Winter Sky know that you’re up.”

That wasn’t funny.

“Nooo!!!” I dived, catching her back hoof and shuddering in fear. “That’s crossing the line!”

You may wonder why I’m afraid of Winter Sky being aware of my being awake.  Well, see, I sorta got in trouble several weeks back.  This may come as a shock, but I get bored really easy.  With everypony busy helping get things put back together, I didn’t have awesome pony friends to occupy my awesome pony time.  Now, you may be wondering why I wasn’t helping out.  The answer is they don’t take me seriously enough to entrust me with any responsibility.  Can’t imagine why.  I’m dependable!

Oh, right; Winter Sky.  Anyway, I caused some... civil chaos after having a little too much cider and... Well, let’s just leave it at that.  The result was Celestia ordering Winter Sky to keep me occupied.  A job he takes just a little too much pleasure in.  Actually... he takes way too much pleasure in it.  Preposterous amounts of pleasure.  He makes me do things like run around the city (the whole damn thing), catch Sky Archons (he has a strange sense of humor), fuel the big industrial-sized stoves for the cooks (it saves on the electric bill he said... … Hey!  Wait a second!), fight with him (I’ve got a better chance of landing a punch on Storm Wing, okay?  That’s how one-sided it is!), and whatever else he can think of.  He loves it!  His eyes lit up when he got the job!  Me?  Well... Let’s just say I like to stay on the silver lining and getting into shape didn’t suck.  Just... everything else about it did.

“Now you know how it feels.” She yanked her hoof out of my grasp and cackled as she dashed out of the room.  That’s our relationship, guys.  We drive each other insane and then snuggle after we’ve got it all out of our systems.  To be honest, she was the first girl to ever be able to put up with my insanity and dish it right back with a bigger smile.  Me gusta.

I got up and quickly chased after her, aiming to stop the madness before the unthinkable happened.  I’m not sure why I bothered, as I cranked my fiery aura to try and catch up, she just teleported like the little haxing hony (lawl portmanteau!) she was.  I didn’t give up, however.  Worst case scenario, this was a warm up that would save me some time.

The castle is quite lovely, really.  All the white marble and gold trim is quite dazzling.  Living in it for any amount of time makes you feel pretty awesome.  The floor is always clean enough you can check your hair in it.  You may wonder why I’m describing it, especially since I hate breaking down visuals.  The answer is simple:  I tend to leave burn marks when I run with my aura ablazin’ all over the place, so yeah; not supposed to use it in the castle.

Dashing through the halls like a one-horse open sleigh, I quickly burst into the central hall to see my worst fears confirmed.  Winter Sky was standing at the bottom of the stairs, smiling up at me.  She actually did it, I said to myself.  I couldn’t quite believe it at the time.  She knows that I HATE Winter Sky’s little games.  That... That little...

“Firewall, good to see you’re awake.  Earlier than usual, yet still amazingly late.  You never cease to amaze me,” he remarked with a cracking of his neck, “Time to catch Lucky.  You both need the exercise.  And don’t bother trying to bargain with her this time.  If you catch her, she gets her wings bound for a few days.”

Luna appeared right beside him with a twinkling flash and got this look of shock on her face when she realized Winter Sky was already present.  She looked back at me and shook her head, denying the silent accusation that I was already glaring into her.  I needed no words to get my message of anger across.

“No, indeed, Firewall, Princ-... Luna did not sell you out.  I merely spotted her while she was going up to your room.  Therefore I knew you would be awake soon enough.” He beckoned me with a hoof. “Let’s go, your day is not yet occupied.”

“Right.  Continuing with my Bleach training arc.” That’s what I called this whole endeavor.  I mean, it just fit.  There was a Big Bad out there of untold power (we can assume) that we would one day be facing off against and I needed to be stronger or... something.  Yeah, anime training arcs didn’t make much sense to me, so it only made sense that I found this kind of irritating.  And by irritating, I mean downright pissing me off.  The worst part?  Screw Captain Winter Sky just didn’t sound right and likely was not a safe endeavor.  As much as I wanted to tell him I’d take his orders when Hell froze over, I knew deep down that he could probably make that happen shortly before sending me there for insubordination.  He’s just that scary of a pony.  I did at least feel a little better knowing that Luna hadn’t thrown me to the dogs and that they simply found me on their own. Not that that was a great comfort, mind you.

I hung my head and complied, dragging my hooves along the way.  Both Winter Sky and Celestia had made it clear that there would not be any whining, harassing, or disobedience on my part.  At first I was going to make an ass of myself (big surprise, eh?), but Luna told me that they would probably toss me into a Luna Game on the first offense.  Like I didn’t have nightmares enough on my own without being forced to live in one of those.

“Don’t worry, Princess, I’m fairly certain he’ll go another day or two without expiring.”

Luna gave me a sympathetic smirk before shaking her head, “Naturally.  Just keep in mind you can’t keep him for long.  Celestia wants to see us after she gets back.”

Winter Sky gave a nod, smirking at me, “Hear that?  You’re on a time limit.  Penalties for failure.”

“Great.  Luna, just don’t... interact with me anymore.  It gets me in trouble!” I cried, my frame shaking with every whimper.

“We call that motivation where I come from!” She snickered from behind a hoof whilst winking at me. “Have fun.”

Right.  Fun.

All that said, Winter Sky and I walked out into the garden where Lucky was cutely fumbling around with her armor.  She was specifically trying to undo the buckles on one of her pony armor boot things (I guess you would call them sabatons or greaves or something), holding it in her hooves as she yanked with her mouth at the cloth tie holding the buckle down.  The knot was pretty tight though, and the only thing she managed to do was cause the boot to slip out of her hooves and smack her right in the nose.  The diabetic induction scale was hitting an all time high.

“Wow.” I was amazed.  I turned my head to glance at Winter Sky. “You must be proud.”

“I didn’t train her.” Sky said defensively, his impatience with her rather apparent.

Poor Lucky.  Her name and cutie-mark imply that she’s lucky in all things.  This is not the case.  Lucky is lucky where semi-serious circumstances are concerned.  She’ll whip your flank in a board game, then turn around and trip over her own hair as she taunts you a second time.  Her enemies will miss that head shot by millimeters, but only because she tripped on her own four hooves (Y’know, that doesn’t work as well as ‘two feet’) just before planting her face in a puddle of mud.  I kid you not, only Twilight is more adorkable than her and the margin is almost nonexistent in my opinion.  The difference is that Twilight is just cute no matter what she does whereas Lucky will trip and knock herself out on a boulder that she causes to roll down a hill and squash a rampaging hydra.  No seriously, that is the actual synopsis of one of her escapades as told by Storm Wing.  He claims that she’s saved Equestria multiple times.  To this day, I have trouble believing this.

“Lucky!” Winter Sky barked, causing her to jump to attention sans one shoe, “Same rules as before.  However, this time you are grounded for two days should you be caught”

Her reaction told me that she had not been warned of these consequences.  I grimaced a tad, my conscience reminding me that Winter Sky could do much worse to her than he could to me.  Once again, nice guys finish last after receiving their beatings.

“Dude.  Seriously?” I gave him a glance, shaking my head, “I don’t want to do that to her.”

“Can’t help you there.  Catch the klutz.” He lifted a hoof, pointing at her.

Lucky blushed terribly at the snipe and looked down with a frown.  I gave Sky a glare for his mean-spirited words, but he wasn’t fazed.  From what I understand, he’s seen a lot of horrible things.  Like, brutal reality stuff.  Therefore, it’s not a big surprise to discover that he’s actually pretty jaded.  Regardless, the result was that he wasn’t worried about being abrasive if it helped make better Archons.  As a human, I can relate to that kind of thinking, but seeing it in practice against ponies raised in paradise?  Just didn’t seem worth it.

“But she... Sky, she didn’t take the bargain last time.  She’s not done anything wrong.” I stuck my neck out as I often do for others. “I mean, yeah, she considered it, but it’s not necessary that she be punished, is it?”

“I simply want to give her some motivation,” he countered with a wing shrug of braggery. “Stop stalling.”

“What if I don’t feel comfortable supporting that line of thinking?” I glared at him even more, my righteous ire (Yes, I have righteous ire) stirring awake.

Another taunting wing shrug. “Then I guess you have a choice to make.”

I chuckled acidly and shook my head before turning around. “Okay.  That’s easy.  Don’t worry, Lucky, you’re in no danger.  I’ll take whatever lashing Sky’s handing out today.  What’s the worst it could be, anyway?  ‘Oh dear god!  Not pony torture!  It might cute me into a coma~!’”

Sky didn’t seem very happy with my dismissal and for a second, I thought he was going to whip my flank so hard that I would have new appreciation of the concept of pain.  When I glanced back at him, he was giving me a seriously hard stare which I was all to happy to return.  I prepped for the worst as he approached.  To my surprise, though, he merely sighed and gave me pat on the back.

“Foal.  You really do put others before yourself.” He gave a resigned roll of his eyes before shoving the back of my head to get me galloping. “Two laps around the city.  One for burning the halls and one for failing to catch Lucky.”

I blinked in shock, pausing to look back at him.  I cannot stress to you how much of a slap on the wrist that was.  I simply gawked at him for several seconds, not believing my ears.

“Get moving before I double it!” Winter Sky shouts are made of nailbats and gun metal.  As in, they frighten you.  Had no problems taking off after that.

“You’re really pulling punches today, aren’t ya?” I called back at him as I ran off, smiling brightly.

Now, don’t go thinking that he gave me a wimpy slap on the wrist.  He didn’t.  I mean, comparatively, yeah, it was pretty lightweight, but the capital was still effin’ huge.  It was a good fourteen mile gallop, and while galloping was a helluva lot easier than running, fourteen miles is still fourteen miles.  Twice.  Needless to say, I was kinda beat.  It wasn’t nearly as rough on me as it used to be, though, which was probably the end he was working towards.

After my nigh-thirty-mile jog, I figured I would go wash up and catch up with Luna.  I took my time in that shower, using my showering cooldown technique.  It involves starting the water as hot as you can take it (Note:  If you’re fireproof, just go as hot as it can go.  Derp.) and over the next forty minutes slowly cooling the water until it’s actually cold.  THIS RELAXING TECHNIQUE HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERA-... No, really, my dad taught me that trick and he claims his father was taught by his father.  Couldn’t have handed down a fortune.  No, it had to be a showering trick.  Lamer than a three-legged, hairless rat trying to climb up a wall if you ask me.

Anyway, I’m rambling.  After chilling off, I decided to find the nearest Sky Archon (Silverheart), glomp her, then interrogate her for Luna’s whereabouts.  After receiving a beating for my affectionate impunity, she pointed me to the library.  Portraying my thanks through the subtle art of more tackle-hugging, I quickly left before retaliation was brought to bear upon my flank.

The library had to be quite possibly the biggest room in the castle, I don’t know how they keep track of all the books.  Seriously, ponies don’t use the Dewey Decimal System or anything.  They keep it all straight in their heads.  Librarians have to be bloody geniuses, and I’m not making that up.  There’s a reason Twilight runs the library in Ponyville.  Anyway, the reason this is relevant is because Luna was pulling a Twilight by having at least thirty books yanked out and stacked about a large table.  Her nose was buried in a rather old black tome with tattered yellow pages.  She was utterly silent save for the soft ringing of magic her horn was emanating as it flicked about the pages and as well as a long feather quill taking notes to her left.

This was my chance to counter her abuse from earlier this morning.  I slowly and quietly snuck up behind her, careful to not alert her to my presence.  I didn’t scare her.  No, scaring people is quite cheap and can lead to bad accidents, such as spilling ink or inducing choking.  Instead, I did something much worse.  I broke out into SONG~!

♫ Oooooh, Ah wish Ah was an Oscar Meyer Weiner! ♫

Her quill snapped in half with INSTANT irritation.  I picked a good one.  The fact that she was staying up late to study probably didn’t help, either.

I was happily singing and bouncing around the library, just like Pinkie Pie.  This may come as a shock, but single-gait bouncing is murder on the pony knees and hooves.  Or used to be anyway.  Nowadays?  After a few weeks with Winter Sky’s sadistic exercises?  This was the kind of stuff I did to get the stiffness out of my knees.  As much as I hated to admit it, Sky was definitely getting the job done.  I mean, one mile used to kill me.  Yet, there I was, bouncing around like I had not just galloped a marathon.

Luna didn’t even look up from her book. “You are.”

♫ That is what Ah’d truly like to beeeee~! ♫

She angrily waved a hoof at me before tossing a spare book in my direction. “Hey, shut up, I’m trying to focus here.”

I caught the book before continuing my happy song.  Hey, she started it.

♫ For if Ah was an Oscar Meyer Weiner!  Everypony’d be in love with me! ♫

“If I say you are already loved by everypony, would you shut up?!” Luna hollered, finally tearing her eyes away from the book.

“Okay,” I replied with a sigh, deflating a tad, “But I’m just so full of happy.”

“That’s great, Hot Stuff,” She gave an exasperated smile before resorting to perturbed threats soaked in saccharine, “But I’m going to have to violently mute you if you don’t hush and let me read in peace.”

“Awww...” I cantered over to her, nuzzling at her neck.  I was bored and Luna was making herself an open target.  Even still, I was pulling punches for her sake.  I could’ve easily have been doing much, much worse.

She tried to be stoic about it but eventually cracked with a snicker.

“Go away!” She laughed as she pushed at me with a hoof, but I wasn’t going anywhere; continuing my merciless affection.  I know, you’re probably not interested in all this mushy stuff, but these are fond memories of mine.  You don’t have to read them if you don’t want to, ass!

“Nu-uh.” I protested, still nuzzling away before she finally broke down and gave me a kiss.  I wasn’t aiming to get one, but I was practically ponycat-purring when I did.

“There, you got what you came for.” She declared before pushing me off of her with a smile. “Now shoo!”

I was greedy and came back for more, but she blocked me with a bit of magic force.  I fruitlessly strained against it as I whined, “But I’m needy~!”

“It shows.” She winked before going back to her book.

I finally let my curiosity get the best of me and tilted my head before asking, “What are you reading up on that’s so important anyway?  Is it a spell to get me out of your hair?”

“No, though that wouldn’t be a waste of my time, now that you mention it.” She smirked, her eyes still gliding over the manuscript before her. “However, if you must know, I’m working on a spell to break the Pact Ponies’ contract without hurting them.  Disrupting the spell is easy enough but not if you want to preserve those bound by it.”

“Woah.” I galloped over to the book after she let the field of force fade away, suddenly very interested.  Don’t know why I bothered, though.  It was written in those stupid Wing Dings. “Figures.  Where’s your See Jackpony Run?  I need to learn how to read your silly little pictogram language.  I wanna help!”

“Firewall, we don’t stock those in the Royal Library,” she said without ever tearing her eyes off the book, “They’re not exactly ‘literary-elite’ material.”

Derp.

“Oh.  Right,” I replied as my ears fell flat against my head due to embarrassment, “Makes sense.  Where would I find one?”

“If I have to tell you, then I don’t think you have what it takes to be a proper researcher,” she remarked with a chuckle, finally glancing up at me. “Use common sense.”

I snarled a tad, irritated by her dismissal but not in a bad way.  Simply miffed and nothing more.  Still, being miffed was enough to encourage me to one-up her.

“Well, see, I had this awesome phone with the magic of Google but this one trampy princess burned it for her own selfish purposes,” I reminded her with an exaggerated groan, hugging her neck to keep her from getting a clear shot at me.  I knew it was coming in three, two, one... Nothing?  Yeah, she actually said and did nothing.  At first I thought she was ignoring me, but the silence continued to fuel the anxiety of the moment.

Finally, she broke the suspense with a regretful apology, “I’m... sorry.”

Not what I was expecting at all.  She sounded sincere, as though it had been keeping her up at night.

“Well, okay.  I was totally expecting a right hook or something, but that works, too.” I backed up a bit to look at her, arching an eyebrow.

Her answer involved a halfheartedly laugh with an ashamed blush, which further caught me off guard.  I let go of her and gave her a slightly confused smile as I realized I was pushing a guilty button of hers.  At first I considered cranking up the heat and making a big deal out of it, but thought better of it when she lowered her head a tad.  She was being totally serious.  Well, I told myself, guilty buttons suck, anyway.  With that in mind, I gave her a smile along with more face nuzzle.

“Truth be told, though,” I mentioned nonchalantly, keeping that encouraging grin on my face, “I kinda like the trade-off I got in return.  Way more than I ever liked the phone.”

Luna blinked before looking back up at me with an expression that told me she was both shocked and touched.  If I had to judge by her reaction of slightly tearing up and embracing me, I’d say this had definitely been on her mind for quite some time.  A box of mysteries, she was; silly and chilly one moment, emotionally sporadic the next.  Women, eh?  Yeah, they’re that awesome.

“Hey, it’s cool,” I chuckled a bit as I hugged back, not expecting such a definitive show of emotion, “Wow, was that really on your mind or something?”

“Yeah.  I mean, I’m glad I did it, too, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t steal something that belonged to you.  I’m... Thank you.”

I let that sink in a little.  This was really off the wall for Luna, if you asked me.  Then again, most people don’t know I’m a complex person deep down either.  If you cut right to the heart of the matter, my deep dark secrets (I like turtles) can really blow you away.

“Well, we joked about it a lot, right?  It’s no big deal.” I said comfortingly, putting my nonsense on hold. “Hey, don’t be afraid to talk to me about stuff on your mind.  Now you’ve got me all worried about what else is eatin’ ya.  Just don’t... keep it all bottled up in there, alright?”

I know, I know... I’m a hypocrite.

She gave a nod, tightening her hug a mite as I wondered why she hadn’t come out with it before.  Maybe I had just missed the signs, but I was just glad that it came out like this rather than in some huge fight later on or something.  Finally completing the transition to affection mode (So maybe it took a while), I gave her a more fervent embrace with a sympathetic laugh gently making it’s way out of me.

“Firewall, you don’t have to say anything, but...” she muttered softly, turning her head and pressing her face into my mane before continuing to speak.  Naturally, when you bury your mouth into a wall of mane, it comes out all muffled and unintelligible.  Luna is no exception to that rule, which is why I didn’t catch a damn word of that.

“Luna, I didn’t catch a damn word of that,” I informed her with a laugh.

She pulled her face out of my mane and murmured softly, “I said I love you.”

MFW!

Yeah.  No kidding.  Think less of me if you will, but the L word is a dangerous weapon that has led to a lot of pain and suffering in my past.  I use it sparingly, to say the least.  I mean, I know us bronies are all about love and tolerance and such, but... There’s accepting/friendly love, and then there’s romantic love.  I’m not going to sugar coat it, I am a scared bunny when it comes to commitment.  Not because I’m afraid of tying myself down, but because I don’t trust myself.  I’m not very in touch with my inner feelings so I don’t always know if I truly feel a certain way or if I feel that special way because I want to (which doesn’t work forever).  You should have realized this by now but I’m also not exactly that proficient in expressing my deepest emotions.  Sometimes they bubble over, but most of the time, I am content to hide them under all the silly.

“I realize humans generally have a lot of problems taking that step.” She broke the embrace and stepped back, staring intently at the floor whilst she pawed at it. “So you don’t have to say it back, I won’t blame you for it.  It’s not even been but a couple of months and it’s not out of place for a human to wait over half a year.  But... when you’re as old as I am, new things and new feelings mean a lot more.  I won’t be disappointed if you’re not ready to say it yet, and I’m not dumb enough to doubt that you care, just... don’t get weird and stupid just because I took that next step, okay?”

Digesting all that took a surprisingly short amount of time.  Synopsis was...

*Achievement Unlocked:*  Unconditional Love!  [Get a girlfriend ponyfriend girlpony err... girlfriend to say that she loves you without requiring you to say it back nor holding a deep emotional grudge against you if you don’t.]  ( Oh yeah, I was definitely in a fantasy world and lucky as hell. )

“Me?  Be stupid?  When have I ever?” I broke the bit of the tension with some humor, which made her snicker a bit before lifting her head to smile back up at me. “But yeah... Let me cower in fear of a harmless word for a while longer, okay?”

“Only if I get to point and laugh.” She chuckled softly. “And by the way, you can find See Jackpony Run at an elementary school.”

Derp...

Silverheart entered the library and tapped her hoof a few times to announce her presence. “Princess Luna, Firewall.  Princess Celestia has sent me to fetch the two of you pending your willingness and availability.”

“Heh.  She called you princess.” I snerked over at Luna who rolled her eyes before looking to Silverheart.

“Tell her we’ll be there shortly, Lieutenant.  And don’t call me princess.” Luna gave a polite smile as she swatted at me with a wing, which I dodged easily.

“Of course, Princess,” Silverheart stated belligerently before turning around and leaving without another word.  That pony was so very stubborn.  Storm mentioned more than once that she was his youngest officer because of her dedication and I couldn’t argue with his assessment.

Luna facehoofed before looking back at me with a wry smirk. “Y’all ready for dis?”

I pantomimed the ‘Space Jam’ theme for a few seconds before nodding happily and bouncing towards the door.  I didn’t get very far, though, as she caught me midair and informed me that if I continued with that silliness, there would be consequences (party pooper).  I got the hint though; this was likely going to be a serious matter, and I needed to treat it as such.

As we entered the throne-room-slash-royal-court, we were informed that we were to actually head towards Celestia’s personal quarters to speak with her.  Luna reasoned that she likely did not want to have this conversation within the presence of others who weren’t concerned.  Seemed reasonable enough.  We left without ever really stopping and trotted our happy flanks right up to Celestia’s pad.  Stopping just outside the door, Luna gave me a glance.

“Behave,” she ordered.

I chuckled before rolling my eyes.  I wasn’t the volatile one. “I was going to tell you the same thing.”

The door swung open immediately.

“Bickering is unbecoming of you both,” Celestia’s soft voice rang out from inside, “Now stop loitering at my door, if you would.  Please?  Thank you.”

We blinked before looking at one another and letting out a soft bout of laughter as we entered.  Not bickering?  Yeah, Celestia did not know us very well, obviously.  She was actually busy reading over a note that I surmised had come from Twilight.  The really cool thing was that she was wearing a pair of rimless rectangular glasses.  Epic, okay?  Celestia in bifocals totally pulled off the ‘mom’ attitude that she was no doubt preparing to drop on us.

“Firewall, I’ll need you to go to Ponyville after we’ve... had our discussion.” Her eyes briefly darted towards us as she spoke those last words. “Twilight needs to run some tests on you, it seems.  Be sure to tell Storm Wing to come home long enough to get his ceremony over with when you do.”

A little more catch-up:  Twilight had been studying the shadow magic that had been used by The Nightmare to see if efficient counter-measures could be taken against it in the future.  Storm Wing had been... practically living in Ponyville.  Why?  He refused to say.  My guess at the time was that he was afraid of being a prince.  Which is kinda silly because last I checked, Storm Wing doesn’t afraid of anything.

I gave a nod. “Can do.”

Celestia continued to read over the scroll silently for a few moments longer.  Luna’s impatience got the better of her.

“Tia.  I know you’re busy but... You called us here,” she pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

Celestia remained quiet for another few seconds before rolling the scroll back up with a cough to clear her throat.  She stared at nothing for a while as she considered her next words, which really helped to build the tension and general unease.  Eventually, she finally sighed and turned towards us.

“I... Don’t want you two to think I am trying to be nosy or controlling,” she started whilst chewing on her lip, “However, while it is not my business in all fairness, I want you to know that my curiosity comes from concern for both of you.”

I fidgeted.  It’s what I do when I’m not allowed to be... Well... Me, really.

Luna on the other hand, was a bit more direct in her reaction. “Translation:  I’m sorry for butting in, but I am totally butting in?”

“Yes.” Celestia was not perturbed by Luna’s blunt nature.  She’d been around it for several millennia so this was likely nothing new. “So why don’t we get... explanations out of the way.  How did... you two come to pass?”

That was actually a damn good question, we had just realized.  We looked at each other, not entirely sure where it stopped being friends and started being something more.  After a moment of staring, I smiled and took the initiative.

“Well, it became official when she turned my hair pink, and I ran her down to tape a troll face over her cutie-mark,” I mused, tapping my chin as I stared pensively at the ceiling, “But... It was sorta subtly moving that way ever since... … Um...”

“Ever since you got captured, Tia,” Luna finished with a reminiscent nod, “He was blaming himself for your capture and ended up... Well, having a breakdown right on me.  I mean, it was kinda shocking.  He had been nothing but laughs and jokes, but all of a sudden I’ve got a crying human on my hooves.  I was completely taken by surprise, but still, it was very sweet.”

I could feel the heat rushing to my cheeks, nose, and ears.  I fidgeted a bit more as Celestia gave me a contemplative glance.

“Breakdown?” Celestia seemed a tad apprehensive. “So he cried on you.  You know, I didn’t figure you to have a thing for the sensitive type, Lu.  Given that you’re so abrasive.”

“I’m still here, y’know,”  I murmured, my blush intensifying.

“He can totally handle my brand of pain,” she countered without hesitation, “and he’s pretty good at serving it right back, too.”

Celestia shook her head as her eyes rotated sardonically. “The concept of two insufferably snarky ponies frequenting my presence does not tickle my fancy, dear sister.  Besides, it likely comes from his innate sense of defiance, you know.”

“I’m totally... right here.” I held up a hoof, suddenly feeling very left out of this conversation.

Luna trotted over to Celestia’s bed, hopping up onto it and quickly making herself comfortable before offering her rebuttal, “Well, it’s my opinion that he enjoys it as much as I do, and that while we harass each other relentlessly, we also spend just as much time being affectionate.”

It was true.  There was the occasional day where we just weren’t in the mood for verbal sparring, and we would, instead, spend it taking long walks at the beach and getting caught in the rain.  Also, those last two things may have actually never happened.  You know why?  Because I hate the beach and weather is kinda on a set schedule here.  Still, what mattered at this particular moment was that both my significant other and her royal sister were ignoring the hell out of me.

“Fair enough.  I’ll not speculate on personality compatibility, then.  You obviously know yourself better than I do.” Celestia held up a disarming hoof before looking back at her sister and floating the glasses off her eyes. “And now for the elephant in the room.  He is a human.  You are a pony.”

“Just some FYI, the human in question feels ignored.” I sighed before cantering over to one of Celestia’s cushy benches and flopping down onto it.

“I’ll get to you in a moment, Firewall, be patient.” Celestia called back to me before turning her attention back to her sister.

“Tia, we know.  We really do.  I mean, what can I say?” Luna shrugged her wings helplessly, sighing somewhat.

Celestia shut her eyes. “And what happens when Firewall gets homesick and wants to go home?  Or if he doesn’t stay a unicorn forever?  Are you going willing to take the heartbreak?”

It was rather haunting, hearing Celestia voice the fears that both my inner halves had been throwing at me this whole time.  When Luna didn’t immediately respond, Celestia turned back towards me.

“And what of you, Firewall?  Aren’t you worried that a very likely obstacle might arise?”

“Well,” I started to reply with a one-hoofed shrug, “part of me wants to remind you that any relationship comes with obstacles and it’s kinda... bland without them.  I mean, sure, this is going to get funky and a large part of me is seriously scared...”

“How scared?” Her response was immediate and quite serious.

“He can’t even say Love.” Luna pointed out.

“And judging from your tone, you not only can, but have.” Celestia took a moment to shut her eyes once more before turning around to face Luna who had the biggest, most arrogant grin I’d ever seen her muster.  That’s saying a lot, by the way, just so you know.

I held up a hoof to get attention. “She’s pretty gutsy.  When big muscle-bound ponies walk into the room, I have to hold her back before she starts a fight.”

“Listen up, both of you.  I’m not trying to say that you’re making a big mistake and that you need to stop, but I am trying to say you both need to tread lightly and don’t get stupid.  Also, do not entertain any ideas of taking things to the next step.” Dat glare.  No really, there was no way it could have been more serious. “You haven’t already, have you?”

Luna decided more conflict was in order. “And what if we have?”

We hadn’t.  Before you ask, it had not even entered my braincells as a considerable thought.  In fact, just don’t bother asking, mmmkay?  No, this is not up for discussion.

“Depends.” Celestia did not take the bait, remaining calm and collected. “Are you with foal yet?”

“Mother of God, I am so uncomfortable with this kind of talk!” I cried out, the blush on my face threatening to catch fire at any given second.

“Yes, actually.  Twins.” Luna was so full of SHIT!

This is where my mind was all, oh that’s how much you like ponies!  I think that was Lafter, actually.  Then that ever curious bastard, Stoic, began to wonder how the mechanics worked.  I promptly put a pillow over their metaphorical faces and smothered those sick sons of bitches.

Celestia wasn’t buying it.  The way she rolled her eyes told me she was fighting between disgust and irritation. “Then in that case, they’ll become orphans in record time after I’m done strangling you both.  Now behave seriously, Luna, for once in your life!”

“Sorry, I spent all my seriousness up at The Battle of Shadows,” Luna tittered with a half-hearted wing-shrug, “But I’ll try.  And no, we’ve kept it fair enough for fillies.  Besides, Firewall might have a meltdown if I tried anything like that just yet.”

YET!  SHE SAID YET!  SWEET PONY JESUS, WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!

Celestia did breathe out a sigh so heavy with relief it was almost tangible. “Good.  Don’t cross that line, please.  At least for now.  We don’t know what could happen between... two species.”

I instantly began beating my face into the bench in an attempt to violently destroy those surfacing images.  Why did I let this happen?  What was I thinking?  Why didn’t I just listen to Lafter and Stoic!?  I don’t want to cross that line, I kept telling myself!  Lafter decided to torment me by reminding me that Luna would probably get what she wants.  Stoic concurred, which meant it was crazy and laughable, yet sensible and probable.

“Lookit him, he’s so ashamed!” I don’t even have to tell you which one said that.

Celestia actually laughed a bit before slowing my motions down with a bit of magic.  I was whimpering, I won’t lie.  It just felt so wrong, the concept of... and ponies... and rainbows... My dream Equestria was threatening to become a dirty nightmare.

“It doesn’t bother you at all that he’s obviously intimidated by the idea?” I heard Celestia say as I pitifully stared at the cushion beneath me.  It was red.  Like my face, only not as much.

Luna began laughing as she tried to answer, only to laugh more at the situation (at least, I was hoping it was the situation and not actually me).  Eventually, she decided to ignore her sister and torment me further.

“Hey, Firewall!” she called out to me, to which I foolishly responded by looking up, wondering if I was just dreaming this insanity all up.

“Neeeiiigh-gh-gh-gh!” She groaned in the most suggestive fashion ever, rolling her head from side to side.

Celestia unwillingly coughed out a laugh, and even I had to sputter mirthfully at how ridiculous this whole subject was.  Pretty soon we were all laughing uncontrollably and for a good minute or two, no less.

“You’re going to Hell, Luna.” I facehoofed, still chuckling despite myself.

She was too busy holding her ribs as she laughed herself hoarse.  It took her a while longer to wind down before Celestia finally glanced my way, wiping at her eyes.

“Oh, Luna.  Your sadism should not be this entertaining.” She flexed her jaw, working all that strain one gets from laughing too much in one setting. “But Firewall, you need not worry.  Luna’s thousands of years old and though your fears are quite obvious, she’s not stupid enough to try anything before you’re ready.”

I held a hoof over my face, “What would my mother think?  ‘Hi, Mom, this is the mother of your grandfillies.’ ‘Son, that’s a pony with wings and a horn.’ ‘Oh, damn, we were hoping you wouldn’t notice.  Just wait until you see the kids.’”

“If it’s even possible to intermingle.” Celestia mentioned offhand.

Luna began cackling again and only barely managed to get the next sentence out, “W-We’ll... Hahaha!  We’ll fuh-find out!”

That was it.  My mind had taken enough.  I stuffed my face into that bench cushion and attempted to suffocate myself.  This must not come to pass, I told myself.

“I need an adult!” I cried out, muffled by the pillow-like cushion.

She had the response prepped and uttered it in the most seedy, gravelly voice she could manage, “I am an adult!”

“This is getting out of hand, Luna, stop harassing him.” I could hear Celestia trying to save me.  Bless her, she was trying.

“Are you not comfortable being hoofed there, Firewall?” Oh yeah, she was still bitter about that.  Granted, I may have rubbed it in her face, but she was the one holding the grudge.

I whined like a beaten dog, “I’m uncomfortable with everything being hoofed out here!  No more!  Uncle, okay!?”

“Oh fine.” She crossed her forehooves and giggled a bit more before scooting to the edge of the bed and hanging one hoof off the side.  It was very suspicious really; the intentionality of the action.  Still, I was just happy that it was all over.  Or so I thought.

“Luna, what are you...?” Celestia began to ask before Luna interrupted her by tapping her hoof upon the marble floor.  Then doing so again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  Each time quickening her pace.  The horror quickly set in.

“Straight to Hell, Luna!  I regret everything!!” I cried, jumping up and dashing for the door with the harrowing echo of clops chasing me the entire way.

I ran down the stairs as fast as I could, utterly mortified.  Ponies + Carnal Relations = Bad.  I’m not a Ponies After Dark sorta guy, and this was getting a little too real for my tastes.  The really bad part was that I couldn’t actually escape the sounds since my own hooves were making the exact same noise as I ran screaming!

Quick thinking took me to the soft, non-clopping grass of the garden.  I toasted down three cigarettes back-to-back as fast as I could in an attempt to burn away the horrors I could very well be facing in the eventual future.  It wasn’t working, but that didn’t keep me from trying.  As I went for a fourth, a soft cough from a certain red stallion brought me out of my frightened daze.  I swung my head back to see Hot Shot, which only served to further dampen my day.

“Oh.  Hey, what’s up?” I asked, turning to face him more naturally as he approached.

Hot Shot sorta... didn’t like me anymore.  Or maybe just ever.  I think he blamed me for what happened to Starlight.  I mean, true, it wasn’t my fault that the love of his life had traded her freedom for his, but I didn’t begrudge him for it.  Losing someone so close to you cut you a lot of slack in my book.  If it somehow helped him feel better to take it out on me in some subtle way, I’m tough enough to take it.  I don’t think it had, seeing as how Winter Sky had made mention in the past that he was considering removing Hot Shot from the Archons for emotional instability.  He wasn’t in his armor for once, which made me wonder if that hadn’t already taken place.

Both his voice and expression were about as stone-cold as the tip of an iceberg. “Princess Celestia sent me to remind you that you need to leave for Ponyville.  Silverheart is bringing the Sky Carriage...”

“Awesome Sky Carriage,” I interrupted him.

“What?” He blinked, not understanding.

I smiled hopefully. “Awesome Sky Carriage.  Of Awesomeness.  Trademark.”

“Right.” My hopes were dashed, as it was apparent that he was not amused.  In fact, he seemed more irritated than anything. “And I am to escort you.”

“Oh.  Great.  Cool.  That’s uh... Bitchin’.” I went ahead with lighting my cigarette before sighing and looking down. “You um... You alright?  You seem a little tense.”

“I’m fine.” He set his jaw a bit.  Involuntary sign of aggression.  Yeesh, this was going to be fun.  Decided to try and disarm the hostilities one more time.

“Well, I’m not!” I took a drag off my cigarette. “I just had to run away from Celestia talking about... Erm... Holding off ‘intimate moments’ with Luna!”

Even he was caught unawares, despite his rough attitude.  That was a nibble.

“I’m sure there’s a good reason for it.” He replied, still a tad unsettled.

“There is,” I groaned in exasperation, “But talking about that kinda stuff involving Luna really bothers me, y’know?”

He was pretty blunt with his return-question. “There something wrong with Princess Luna?”

“Not at all!” I laughed, a little too quick with my answer. “No, Luna’s fine.  It’s just... Well... See, ponies exist where I come from.  But not like you guys.  They’re kinda... I mean, you know how cats and dogs are just animals?  Not really intelligent the way you and I are?”

“I... guess so?” His raised eyebrow told me a lot of nothing, other than the conversation wasn’t boring him.

“Well, where I come from, ponies are like that.  So while ponies here are obviously nothing like that, it’s still provoking this tiny voice in the back of my head to scream at how wrong it is.  Or two voices, rather.” I took a long drag off the cigarette, hesitantly laughing as I mentally braced the door of common sense to keep it from getting out.

After staring at me for several seconds, he finally shrugged his wings (Damn him!). “That sounds like quite a problem to have.”

His voice was deadpan and entirely void of sympathy.  Left me hangin’, he did.  I sighed and had a short mental foray on whether or not I should do what I was about to do.  More or less, it equated to Firewall-can’t-keep-his-mouth-shut and thus, I dug up the beef.

I inhaled off the cigarette before glancing at him and sighing yet a second time. “Hey, are you seriously alright?”

“I’m fine.” You notice how nobody say ‘fine’ when they really are?  They say things like ‘good’ or ‘okay’ but never ‘fine.’

“You sure?” I pried.

The intentional unblinking stare he gave me told me more than his words. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“Right,” I replied, chewing on my lip before getting a little more direct, “Listen, Hot shot... I’m... I’m sorry about Starlight.”

“Don’t.” His visage immediately hardened even moreso.

I shook my head, staring back at the ground. “I really think I should.”

“No.  You shouldn’t.” He really did not want to have this conversation.

I looked up at him, frowning as I spoke, “Look, I’m not one to leave words left unsaid.”

“Sometimes curbing your tongue is for the best.” His voice had become threatening, and his mane was slowly beginning to stand up. “If you know what’s good for you, that is.”

Before I could decide whether I wanted to take him up on that offer or try to chill him out, Silverheart landed right between us with the ASCA™.  The arrival had been rather abrupt and could have almost been considered a crash.

“I wouldn’t take that chance if I were you, Hot Shot.” Silverheart coming to my defense was touching and all, but I kinda wanted to tell her that I didn’t need protecting.  Until I heard her next words, that is. “It wasn’t that long ago that he served you your flank on a slightly charred silver platter, in case you’ve forgotten.”

Hot Shot’s eyes narrowed as he glanced back at me before glaring back at Silverheart. “That wasn’t me.”

“Hot Shot, I know you’re mad about what happened.  But that’s not something Firewall did or can do anything about.” Silverheart snapped impatiently. “I’m not sure why you’re unable to make that connection on your own, but if that’s not enough discouragement, then maybe this is.  He saved my life, Hot Shot.  So if things get heated, don’t be surprised when I step in.  And I’m not the only one.  There’ll be a long line of ponies ready to send you to Tendercare without a second thought.”

“Silver, stop... antagonizing him, he’s gotta escort me... I don’t want him to throw me off the carriage, y’know,” I chuckled nervously, not at all liking where this was going. “He’s entitled to his opinion.  Just let it go.”

A little bit of insight here.  Silverheart is the youngest Sky Archon, yet one of the highest ranking ones.  Why?

“Perhaps it’s best I don’t escort you, Firewall.” Hot Shot uttered, his voice seething with contempt.

Before I could respond to say that was fine with me, Silverheart was all over it. “You’ll do as you’re ordered, Hot Shot!  And you’ll do it to the best of your ability, just as is demanded of all Sky Archons.  If you can’t do your duties, then perhaps you need to let Captain Winter Sky know that you’re unable to perform and step down with some dignity.”

That’s why!  She doesn’t mince words, she doesn’t pull punches (or bucks!), and she certainly had no problems doing her duty, even if it involves putting other Archons in their place.  She’s also the only Sky Archon that can withstand a flying tacklehug from me without so much as a budge.  That may sound silly, but when you compare my size to most of the small zippy Archons it takes on a greater significance.

“Is it going to come to that?” She hissed between her teeth.

After a moment of silence, Hot Shot finally lowered his gaze and replied, “No, Lieutenant Silverheart.”

“Glad to hear it,” she snapped at him, his submission failing to take the edge off her mood.  With that, she hopped off the Carriage and swung her piercing gaze over to me.  I had to force myself to not cower.  Silverheart’s frightening, okay?  Hell, everypony is frightening, it seems!

“Hi there!” I waved a hoof at her, somehow forcing myself to not sweat.

“Get on,” she demanded, “You too, Hot Shot.”

Without any protesting or complaining whatsoever, we boarded the A.S.C.A.™ as quickly as we could.  I finished my cigarette, flicking it with a nervous glance towards my escort.  He looked almost like he had had the wind sucked out of his sails.  Didn’t blame him.

“Now, you both have a safe trip, and if I hear about any fighting, I swear on Luna’s moon and Celestia’s sun, I will have you both limping in pain for the next two seasons!  Is that clear?” Her voice was like my father’s when I cracked his computer’s processor from excessive overclocking.  Only worse.

“Invisibly clear.” I retorted with a nervous smile.

“Yes, Lieutenant Silverheart.” Hot Shot replied before taking control of the A.S.C.A™ and zipping us away.

We flew in complete silence.  It was probably the longest thirty-forty minute trip to Ponyville ever.  I guess no news was good news, but I hated being disliked by good peeps.  It always felt like a shortcoming on my part, being unable to mend broken ties.  My buddies back at home always called me a Peacemaker, which was kinda flattering, but even I wasn’t able to make it work one-hundred percent of the time.  Sad face.

We got there somewhere around lunchtime.  When we landed just outside Ponyville (We couldn’t find a parking space anywhere in town!), I lit a smoke and hopped off of the A.S.C.A™, only to be silently followed by my escort.  When I glanced back at him, he immediately looked away, letting me know that interaction would be kept at a minimum if he had his way.  I facehoofed immediately before looking back at him.

“Look, Hot Shot, I’m sorry I got you in trouble with Lieutenant Silversweetheart, but one of two things have got to change,” I explained before turning to face him more directly, “Either you buck up and smile, or you go back to Canterlot.  It was never said that you had to follow me all day, right?  Just escort me to Ponyville.  Well, here I am.  So which is it going to be?”

Hot Shot did not react well.  He ground his teeth a tad as he pawed the dirt before shaking his head and becoming instantly serene.  I remember having done the same thing during several familial idiocy events.

“Very well.  You are here in Ponyville.” He was speaking more to himself, as if justifying his actions. “I should get back to Canterlot.”

“Right.  Awesome.” I smiled at him, trying not to come off as saccharine. “Good work.  Totally made it here.  You make a fine escort.”

“Yes.” Okay, so we both knew that wasn’t what Princess Celestia wanted.  However, neither of us wanted to be around the other, and we did obey the letter of the command if not the spirit.  If he left and was caught without me, though, he would probably get his flank reamed for it.  As unfriendly as he was being, I didn’t want to see bad things happen to good ponies. “Perhaps I should stay here.  Near the carriage.  In case you need an escort on your return.”

“Look, Hot Shot, I don’t want you to catch Hell for this.  So, how about this:  I’m going to call in a favor for you.  At least, I hope it’ll work.  You need to relax and I need to be able to exist without you breathing down my neck so how about this,” I beckoned him along. “Ever been to a spa?”

Ten minutes later...

“RARITY, DARLING!” I hollered in the most annoyingly pretentious British accent I could manage as I threw open the door to Carousel Boutique. “Simply marvelous to see you again, my dear.  How hhhave you been?”

You want to know sad?  When your spontaneity is so commonplace that it derives little to no reaction.  All I got from Rarity, who was currently sketching out a conceptual design, was a smile.  She didn’t even look at me.  Still, the smile meant that I was brightening a very boring day.

“Splendid, simply splendid.  Yourself?” she replied as we entered.  There were no customers, which was usual for Rarity.  She dealt in quality, not quantity.  Most ponies could not afford her expertise, and the few that could... Well, let’s just say Rarity wasn’t in danger of starving.  However, Ponyville might be in danger of an economic takeover, should she get a wild hair up her plot someday.

“I’m utterly divine, my good mare!” I made a show of bowing before trotting over to her.  I always stopped in to bug Rarity when I was in Ponyville, thus it was no big surprise when she stopped drawing long enough to receive the mandatory hug I threw around her neck. “Whatcha workin’ on?”

“Actually, it’s something for Princess Luna.  She asked me to make this, though she didn’t say why.  I don’t think it’s for her, though.” She supplied before glancing at Hot Shot over my shoulder. “Oh, why hello.  Who’s your handsome friend?”

Hot Shot blushed as he looked down.  He wasn’t in a social mood, as one might guess.  I would have answered her question, but my eyes got caught on the picture she was sketching out.  It was a hoodie.  Not just any hoodie, either.  It was my favorite one.  See, I have this tannish-grey hoodie designed to look worn out with faded black lettering on the front and back.  I kinda got all fluttery in the heart from  A) having realized that I had acquired troll potential to throw at Luna for discovering a surprise meant for me.  And B) being overwhelmed in happiness.

“Firewall?” Rarity laid a gentle hoof on my shoulder to attract my attention, to which I visibly jumped in response before answering her question.

“Oh!  Right!” I blinked, looking back at Hot Shot. “This is Hot Shot of the Sky Archons.  He’s actually why I’m here.  I kinda wanted to borrow a favor from you.”

“Borrow a favor?” She smiled at my terminology. “Do you plan to give it back, darling?”

“Totally.  Though it may be slightly used and need a wash afterwards,” I countered with a wink, “Do you think you could treat my friend here to a day at the spa?  He’s... Well, let’s just say he could use it.”

“I don’t need your pity, Firewall.” His tone was as flat as a leveler.

Rarity gave a slight wince before leaning over and whispering to me, “I see what you mean.”

I nodded before giving her a souped up pout-face.  It worked like a charm.

“Oh, stop that.” She rolled her eyes before pushing my face away with a hoof. “Very well, then.  I could use a break myself.  And where will you be in the meantime?”

“Depends.” I shrugged. “Have you seen Prince Jackpony today?”

“Prince Ja... Ah, Prince Storm Wing.” The glare she cut me told me that she wasn’t impressed by my colorful wording. “Yes, I... I mean... Oh, dear.”

“Oh dear?” I blinked, looking back at Hot Shot who crooked an eyebrow in confusion.  I turned and gave Rarity my best Pinkie Soulgaze (failed miserably) before prying. “Little Miss Rarity.  Are you hiding Storm Wing’s whereabouts from me?”

Rarity sighed somewhat before pushing my face back yet a second time (she learned this trick from Twilight and Luna). “Truly, Firewall, you must learn to respect a lady’s personal space.  And the answer is no, I am not hiding his whereabouts, my good sir.  You will likely find him at Fluttershy’s animal shelter.  Be a dear and ask Fluttershy to meet me at the spa when you go to fetch him.  In the meantime, I’ll be closing up shop for the day.  Sir Hot Shot, would you mind being a dear?  Grab that sign and set it just outside the door, please?”

Hot Shot either liked being a gentlecolt, knew how to separate his feelings on a pony-by-pony basis, or was simply trying to be amicable despite his mood.  Whatever the case, he did as he was told, grabbing the ‘Closed’ sign and heading for the door, dragging it along with his mouth.  I wonder what happens if an Earth pony has to do dirty laundry.  I wouldn’t put my dirty underwear in my mouth if you paid me! … … Okay, so prices may be negotiable.

I looked back at Rarity as he slipped out of easy earshot. “Don’t let those floozies at the spa flirt with him.  Him and Commander Starlight are an item, and he will likely have a bad reaction.  So tell them to keep it ‘fair enough for fillies,’ and we won’t have another incident like last time.”

I went to that spa once.  It was not at all relaxing.  Not because they can’t do their job.  No, far from it, those ponies go the extra mile to make you relaxed.  However, sometimes that extra mile isn’t what you asked for.  I mean, nothing BAD happened, and it may have been a gross misinterpretation but let’s just say...  Luna forbids me from going anywhere near Lotus and Aloe (Their real names come from Eastern European words, but I don’t know how to pronounce or spell them without butchering the language).  Let’s also just say that if there is such thing as an Equestrian spa with a ‘happy ending,’ it’s likely that one.  I know.  It hurts my brain, too.

“‘Floozies’?  Really, Firewall, I thought you were opposed to speaking ill of other ponies behind their backs,” Rarity curtly snipped at me, though the smile creeping on her face was only slightly mischievous, “And I still say you were overreacting.”

“What!?  She was breathing into my... Y’know what?  No.  We are not going to have this conversation.” I smiled sweetly at her. “Thanks again, Rarity.  You’re a doll.”

“Oh, stop it, I’ll blush.” Rarity did the whole wrist-hoof flick and everything.

With that, we all exited, said our farewells, and parted ways.  Them to their spa; me to my abode del Fluttershy.  Celestia’s beautiful shining sun cut the edge off the cooler wind that was foretelling the inevitable arrival of winter.  I was excited for it, personally.  

“I might even get to participate in the Winter Wrap Up song!” I gushed to nopony but myself.  I skipped as I avoided the shadows cast by trees and buildings to allow my dark coat to soak in the warm sunlight.

It really didn’t take that long for be to make my way to Fluttershy’s hobbit hole (Dude, straight out of Hobbiton, okay?  I’m not lying here, I’ve been on the inside.  Her designer is Bilbo Baggins.).  I went to tap on the door, only to stop as I heard a laugh from the other side of the house hill thing that Fluttershy lived in.  I slipped around to where she had a small plantation full of critters.  Just as I did, a flying squirrel landed on my head and startled me for a second.  At first, he was cute until he crossed the line and began vigorously gnawing on my horn.  I shrieked in horror and began flailing like an idiot to get him off, but he was persistent.  I don’t know, maybe I had left a marshmallow up there and forgot about it.  Whatever the case, that squirrel would not let go.

“Get it off!” I cried, running around as I swung my head back and forth, eventually flinging the sorry bastard off as he became too motion sick to stay attached.  I was going to go trample the sorry sucker for his unwarranted attack, but Fluttershy caught it mid flight and whipped out THE STARE.  The first time it’s ever been used on me.

Okay, let’s set the scene for you.  I’m in Fluttershy’s backyard.  Fluttershy is staring me down with a flying rodent in her grasp.  Storm Wing is there, sitting on a picnic cloth that happened to be decorated with loads of finger foods (hoof foods?) and fruits, along with a bottle of grape juice stewing in a bucket of ice cubes. There were two wine glasses that had gold trim at the base and rim full of the juice both had been sipped from already.  Storm Wing’s crown was on Fluttershy’s head and Storm’s hair had been pulled out of it’s braid.  They were having a date.  An honest to Celestia date.  No wonder Rarity didn’t want to tell me anything!

Now, back to THE STARE.  You hear about THE STARE mentioned in hushed whispers.  Why?  Because Fluttershy has been known to kill a few ponies with it back in her day.  Okay, maybe not that extreme.  But seriously, it’s an actual thing.  You can’t fight it off any more than you can fight off sneezing after getting a face full of pepper.  It’s horrific.  Your eyes and body STOP moving (seriously, try staring at one of your eyes in the mirror.  After about three seconds, it gets really hard to not move), your heart rate accelerates to such speeds that you can hear it pounding in your ears, your body temperature spikes, your mouth gets dry, and you know nothing but FEAR.  I nearly blacked out, which is stupid, because it’s bucking Fluttershy for crying out loud.

Eventually, she let me go after I had calmed down by smiling softly and began petting the carnivorous beast in an effort to comfort it.  Storm Wing, on the other hand; he didn’t look so happy.  It was understandable.  After all, I had just flung a flying squirrel at their date.  Whilst screaming.  That sorta stuff has a tendency to shatter the mood.

I stared back and forth between them as though they had grown third eyes. “Woooah.  Dude.”

“Um... Hello, Firewall.” Fluttershy blushed, feeling a tad on the spot (she totally was, too).

Storm Wing narrowed his already glaring eyes and for a second I was wondering if he could see me clearly.  Then I facehoofed.

“Firewall.  What are you doing here?” He was being so direct.

“You and Fluttershy.” I was gawking, at an utter loss for what else to say. “It’s like the opposing ends of a magnet.  That’s... My mind.  She is blown.”

Fluttershy blushed all the more and began petting the squirrel a little too hard as her anxiety began to set in.  This in turn caused it to leap away from her in protest which annoyed Storm Wing even further.  We’re totally still best buds though, even if he does want to kick my flank.

“Firewall, I’ve half a mind to-...” He began to say before pausing rather suddenly.  At first, I had no understanding of what caused him to halt his heartfelt threat, but then I noticed Fluttershy cringing and covering her ears as though some explosion were about to go off.  Then it hit me like a buck to the face!

“Oh.  Oh!  OOOOOH!!” I gasped, pointing at Fluttershy, then him, jaw dropped in awe. “Look at you, reelin’ it in for the lady in your life!  You smarmy dog, you!”

Fluttershy seemed to actually be cheered up by this somewhat, as though she was pleased to see that her mere presence were holding back violence and harsh words.

“Firewall,” he muttered, his voice straining to not sound threatening or hostile.  Try as he might, though, he hadn’t quite mastered it just yet.

“What?  You going to hit me?” I pulled the ultimate sucker punch and ran behind Fluttershy, cringing with faux terror as I pleaded my case before her, “He’s going to hit me, Fluttershy, save me!”

“Oh dear... Um... Please, don’t fight,” Fluttershy fell for it, turning to Storm Wing and setting a hoof on his shoulder to try and calm him down.  I stuck my tongue at him from behind her.  This was quite possibly the most unfair and unsporting act I’ve ever committed.  If nothing else, this will send me straight to hell.  And I will totally have earned it, too.  God will say, ‘Sorry son, you pulled that nonsense with Fluttershy’ and I will nod and reply, ‘no, I completely deserve it.’

“Hehe... But seriously, Storm, don’t worry, my lips are sealed.  I won’t tell anyone about this.” I smiled brightly, stepping out from behind Fluttershy. “I’m the last person you have to worry about spoiling a relationship and sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong.  In fact, the only reason I’m here is because Celestia sent me to play Storm Wing Fetch.  Now I must pick you up with my mouth and scamper on back to her.”

“If your mouth comes in contact with me, it better be because my hoof hit you in the face.” Although I didn’t say as much, I agreed wholeheartedly with him.  I AIN’T NO COLT CUDDLER!  … Not that there’s anything wrong with them.  Just ain’t one meself.  They just ain’t pretty enough for me.  Except for Orlando Bloom.  He’s pretty enough for everypony.   Oh, and Aragorn.  Everypony is gay for Aragorn.

“Storm Wing, you shouldn’t say such mean things.” Fluttershy continued to gently berate her beloved colt.

About sixteen-thousand different ideas kicked open the door to my brain.  So much to say about that blush on Storm Wing’s face, and I couldn’t figure out how to get a single word out.  I’m being dead serious when I say it made me rather light-headed.  I nearly passed out.  Luckily, I didn’t, but I came close.  It was awful.  I might have missed something awesome.  Still, I did double-over somewhat and facehoof as I laughed so hard that I was actually making almost no sound whatsoever.

“Oh hell,” I blurted out, recovering somewhat, “I think I’m going to vomit rainbows or something.  I can’t even muster the nerve to rub that in your face.”

“Firewall?  Are... Are you going to be okay?” Fluttershy tilted her head, visage comprised of worry and fear for my sake.  When she held a hoof over her mouth, unsure of what to do, I quickly reined it in so as to keep her from panicking.  Damn it, Fluttershy, you never gave me diabeetus, but you came close many times.

“He’s being stupid, Fluttershy.” Storm Wing huffed, still quite irritated with me.

“Storm Wing, please.” Her voice and expression were telling me that she was becoming impatient with him. “Stop being so mean-spirited.  What has Firewall done to you that you have to act this way?”

“It’s cool, Fluttershy.” I disarmed that bomb immediately.  I did NOT want to be a catalyst for hurt feelings between one of my best friends and one of my favorite ponies.  That would have been awfulsauce. “He’s just really defensive about his emotions.  Most every guy and even every girl I know has that problem.  Don’t sweat it, Storm.  I mean, yeah, I poke at you a lot, but some things are sacred.  You told Winter you could trust me, right?”

“I... Yes, I did.” His resigned sigh told me he was already starting to cool off.

“So trust me, okay?” I smiled and held my hoof out to him “Brohoof?”

“Yeah, yeah.  Brohoof.” He clopped the hoof and furrowed his brow before asking the question on his mind, “So, what was I called for?”

“Your official crowning, apparently.  Prince Storm Wing.” I made a show of bowing, causing Fluttershy to titter.  That’s when the realization set in and I suddenly was overcome with the urge to rub it in. “Oh man... Wait.  That makes you related to Blueblood!  How’s that for a wake-up call, Bucko!?”

I think he nearly threw up, judging by the sickened expression on his face. “No, it does not.”

“Awww, c’mon,” I argued, sticking my tongue out, “He’s done quite a bit of growing up.”

“Oh, yes, I agree.” Fluttershy nodded with an excited smile.  Other than Celestia, she was the happiest pony to have seen that jerk make a turnaround. “He’s helped quite a bit with getting Appleloosa into good working order.”

She was right, too.  When we had all returned to Canterlot, Celestia made mention of how many tasks she would have to tackle, the worst of which would be the repair and reconstruction of Appleloosa.  Most of the buildings had been sacked and even more of them had been damaged beyond acceptable living conditions.  Luna offered to take the job of helping in that regard, but Celestia in turn asked her to instead help Twilight study the magical forces of the enemy.  

When the matter came up again over dinner, Blueblood earnestly and stubbornly insisted that he help.  Celestia was extremely hesitant, but when Luna, myself, and even Storm Wing made mention that he had been making quite the change, she fearfully took him up on it.  I’ll say this: by the time he’s done with it, he’ll likely have it better than it was before The Battle of Shadows.

“I still can’t believe you managed to get away with kicking him in the face.” Storm Wing made an obvious attempt at misdirection which, sadly, worked perfectly.

“You kicked Prince Blueblood in the face!?” Fluttershy rounded on me, shocked and appalled with the news, “Firewall, you should be ashamed!”

Screw Captain Prince Storm Wing!

“Well, I am now, does that count?” I resorted to defensive guilt-tripping out of pure reaction.  Had I been thinking, I would have never done such a thing to Fluttershy.  I’m such an ass. “Jeez, Fluttershy, way to sully a fond memory.”

“Oh, I’m... I’m sorry.” Though it made no sense whatsoever, Fluttershy made the connection that her actions directly resulted in bad feelings for me.  She instantly hung her head, causing me to actually feel bad for my hair-trigger idiocy.

“Ack... I... No, me!  I didn’t mean it, Fluttershy!” I pleaded with her, trying to get her to see reason. “I’m sorry!”

“Yes, you certainly are.” Storm Wing believed that to be an accurate assessment and at that moment, he was right.

“Storm Wing!” Fluttershy snapped, pursing her lips at him.

“Firewall!” I cried, stomping angrily at me.

Then, before any of us could say anything further, we all immediately came to the same conclusion:  This situation was going to implode.

“We should totally go our separate ways before one of us has a panic attack.  Storm, head back to the castle whenever you can.  Also, Fluttershy, Rarity would like you to meet her at the spa since she apparently can’t seem to go by herself.  And I still have to see Twilight before I make my way back, but not before I grab me some elementary books!”

They gave me odd looks, but didn’t bother asking what that was all about.  Storm took off soon after, but not before getting a nuzzle from his girl.  We waved him goodbye as he left and began our walk back into town.  We chatted about recent events and how awesome it was that the damage of yonder past days was fading quickly.  Once I got her good and chatty (you gotta go slow with Fluttershy, she doesn’t just throw herself into a conversation!), I brought up the rather nosy subject that you are no doubt wondering yourself.

“So... You and Storm, eh?” I gave her a sly look. “You vicious seductress.  Taking advantage of the poor prince.”

It’s taken a while for Fluttershy to get used to sarcasm, and she still had not quite gotten the hang of it.  Fortunately, her confusion was quickly replaced with a comprehensive giggle.

“Oh... Um... Yes!  Quite awful of me,” she said in an extremely overdramatic tone, waggling her eyebrows like a bawss.

The eyebrow wag did it for me.  I busted out laughing at just how ridiculous it was, which gave Fluttershy a much-needed confidence surge.  

After I paused to wipe my eyes, I lit up and cast a spell to get the wind blowing away from Fluttershy.  I felt a twinge of dizziness that faded as quickly as it had arrived.  Casting spells outside your field of expertise is like straining muscles that you never use to do things they’re not designed for.  That’s really the best way I can describe it.  The Breeze Spell is about as tame as it comes, so even I don’t have problems casting it (I accidentally burned Luna with free-flying ashes once, so I decided I would go out of my way to learn it.).  Anypony has the potential, if not the capacity, to cast any spell, but your affinity really does play into how much that spell affects you or if you even have said capacity.  ~The More You Know!~

“Wow, Fluttershy, that was awesome!” I congratulated her on her triumph over the subtle nuances of sarcasm. “So really.  When did this happen?  This is kinda sudden.”

“Well, maybe for you it is,” she countered with a wistful smile in the direction he had flown away, “But the Prince has been watching over me for some time now.”

“Oh?” I narrowed my eyes, a little confused, “Ever since that night at the campfire after The Battle of Shadows?”

“Oh, no, before that, even,” she refuted, looking back at me curiously, “You were there, don’t you remember?”

“Not at all.” I shook my head.

“You were, though!  When I got scared at the bridge and he picked me up?” She explained, her big turquoise eyes intently boring into my face.  She almost seemed upset that she had to retell it, but then again, that could have just been Fluttershy’s demure nature at work.

“Oh!” I blinked in shock, the memory of Fluttershy clinging to Storm Wing invading my mind’s eye. “That was the start of it?”

“Well,” she murmured hesitantly as she blushed brightly, looking down at the ground passing beneath her trotting hooves.  This in turn caused her hair to hide her face as she practically whispered the rest, “It did for me...”

Fluttershy uses Diabeetus!  It’s super effective!

“Awwwwww~!” I couldn’t help it.  I hugged Fluttershy without so much as a second thought, causing us both to stumble awkwardly.  I didn’t care if we fell over, I just wanted to hug and squee forever in that moment. “I never thought you could get cuter!”

“Oh... Um... Ah... T-Thanks?” Fluttershy’s still not big on physical contact.  Not sure why, practically everything she did screamed ‘Hug me, I be adorable!’ after all.

“No problem.  So what, you got swept off your feet by the noble and courageous Storm Wing?” I asked, still quite curious. “And have been gazing from afar ever since?  He must have made quite a first impression!  But alas, he led the life of a soldier and his cold heart had no time for romance!”

“Well... No,” she admitted with a laugh, amused by my dramatic splurge, “That wasn’t the case at all.  I did not actually get to see him again until he saved Ponyville from Trixie and the Shadow Ponies.  We got to speak at length then, and he helped me get the animals who were well enough to take care of themselves to safety.  Did you know he likes bats?”

“No, but that doesn’t surprise me.  He probably relates to them,” I let out a snort before shaking my head, “I mean, I never figured him for an animal pony, but I don’t pretend to know everything.”

“Oh yes, he very much is.” She nodded with a pensive stare into the distance. “It’s almost sad to watch him, you know?”

I blinked, unsure of how to respond to her question.  I mimicked her thousand-yard stare, wondering what would make her say such a thing.  After a moment, I took an educated guess at what she was getting at.

“You mean how he’s been dedicated to something he’s not happy doing?” I looked back at her, frowning a tad at her affirming nod. “Yeah, well, as bad as this sounds, that happens a lot back home.  Very few humans are strangers to such situations.”

“Oh, that’s... that’s awful.” The concept seemed to overall sadden her.  “Even you?”

“Definitely.” For once, I wasn’t smiling or laughing or thinking of smartass remarks.  As happy and carefree as I was, life’s bitter moments still leave their scars and no amount of laughter makes them go away.  Sad as that is, though, those scars are what make or break a person.  Safe to say, I sure don’t feel broken.

“Oh.  Why?” Fluttershy glanced my way, pausing in her tracks and causing me to do the same.

I sighed.  It was a deep, painful subject to talk about Earth’s brutal realities to the ponies.  I mean, sure, they loved hearing about culture, human comedy, tragic plays (I figured Romeo and Juliet was tame enough.  I was wrong, it damn near killed Rarity!), and foods.  The cruelties of humanity, though, had been avoided.  Even Luna didn’t talk about them.  Like me, it just wasn’t even fun to think about it in a serious way.

“Fluttershy, are you sure you want to hear this?” I murmured, never lifting my eyes from the ground.

To her credit, she gave it serious consideration.  As though she were genuinely and rightly scared to hear what I had to offer.  That was actually the biggest reason I consented when she eventually nodded.  If she had simply scoffed at my warnings, I wouldn’t have given her anything, but her hesitation told me she knew enough to handle a slight glimpse.

“Great things come from my world, Fluttershy.  But ‘great’ comes with a two-sided coin that lands on one side as often as it does the other.” I took off walking again, giving my body something to do as I rambled with my eyes straight forward. “Remember back at Twilight’s library?  When I first got here?  I said that humans will fight for what they believe in?”

“Yes?” Her frightened tone made me want to forget about the whole thing.  I should have just kept my damn mouth shut, but I was compelled to give her a bit of insight on myself.

“Well, that doesn’t mean just violence.  See, humans don’t live harmoniously.  For every person willing to help a neighbor, there’s a human out there willing to steal from his neighbor, even if means that neighbor will go hungry.” I decided more cigarette was in order and lit one up. “So you can’t just freely trust everyone you meet.  Because of this, society has to impose rules.  Rules that hold back everyone just to impede the humans that believe only in themselves and what they want.”

She steeled herself somewhat, steadying her voice as she replied.  That was actually quite relieving.  “That... and nopony thought that would be a bad idea?”

“Bad or not, it was necessary,” I told her, taking a long drag off my cigarette before magically holding it off to the side so that I could speak freely, “Take me for example, Fluttershy.  I’ve done things I’m not proud of.  Because I have to watch out for myself.  Here?  I can be loving and trusting all day long because I don’t have to worry about being hurt or betrayed.  I can lend something of mine out to somepony I’ve never even met before because I know they’ll bring it back.  Earth?  A line of people would form up to tell me how foolish that is.”

“All because... There is no trust,” she murmured.

I blinked, somewhat stymied at just how simple that statement made the complex and convoluted human condition seem. “Actually, yeah.  No trust.  Still, you don’t need to worry about Storm.  That’s not what makes him do what he does.”

“No.  He just wants to help ponies.” She sighed, her volume picking up a tad as we shifted away from the dark subject. “Even if that’s not what makes him happy.”

“Right.  And his selflessness has helped to make Equestria what it is.” I let out a sigh, drawing off my cigarette shortly thereafter as we arrived at a roundabout.  The leftmost turn would take me to the school where a certain trio of crusading lunatic fillies would no doubt attack me on sight. “Well, I’m going to go learn how to read.  You take care.”

“Mmm.” She nodded, too distracted by our conversation to completely register my words.

A frown found it’s way onto my face as my brow sank from chagrin.  I reached out with a hoof and set it on her shoulder. “Hey.”

She startled a tad before looking up. “Oh, I’m sorry, Firewall.  You take care, too.”

“Will do.  Just uh... don’t let those thoughts get a hold of you, okay?” I frowned, letting my concern show itself.

She blinked, somewhat confused. “I... don’t understand.  Should I not think about it?”

“Never said that.” I shook my head before taking another puff off my cigarette. “Just don’t let them haunt you.  That’s what makes humans give up and lose faith.  Just don’t let it happen to you.  You’re too special for that, alright?”

The wonderment on her face was endearing, but not as much as the smile she ended up giving me. “Alright.  You know, your world must miss you sorely.  I hope it’s okay without you.”

“Nah, it’ll be fine.” I gave a half-hearted laugh as I turned away, dread gripping my chest as I let her words sink in. “Later, Shy.”

“Goodbye!” She began happily cantering towards the center of town.  I took solace in that; her having taken the briefest of insight into humans and coming out just as happy and carefree as she had been before.  Me on the other hand?  Not as much.  Over two months of being away from Earth had led to some pretty awful fears.  It wasn’t like I was regretting being in Equestria, but more than once I found my thoughts of friends and family struggling against the rigors of life on Earth.  Just didn’t seem fair that I got to kick it along the gravy train and they had to continue busting their asses just to make ends meet...

Best to worry about it later, I told myself.  With that, I finished my cigarette and continued on my way to Ponyville’s elementary school.  I kept an eye out for little orange wings or cotton candy colored manes, but to my surprise (almost disappointment, even), I safely made it to the door without being tackled.

Then the bell rang just as I went to open it.  Before it had even finished sounding off, the door was flung open, knocking me onto my back as a thousand tiny hooves ran me right over.  I kicked, screamed, cursed, and flailed; but it was for naught.  The tide had me in its apathetic grasp and all I could do was suffer as the merciless foals trampled the hell out of me.

As the last of the demonspawn finally crossed over me, I fruitlessly attempted to roll back over.  

A voice penetrated the agony, “Firewall?”

Applebloom.  I opened an eye and aimed it right at her as she neared.

“Whaddya doin’ on the ground?” If you could only hear how incredulous she sounded.  Like it was the damndest thing ever that I laid down in front of the door and let dozens of kids make an attempt at my life.  Sure, if I had done it willingly she’d have had all the right in the world to sound accusing.  But I hadn’t, therefore she didn’t.

“Developing new torture techniques.” I groaned as I rolled back over, finally making my way back up to my hooves.  “I think I’ve got a winner.”

“Huh?” Her big innocent eyes peered at me, confusion doubling the amount of d’aww they would normally put out.

“Nothing, I...” I started to say before looking up to see Miss Cheerilee exiting behind her student, “Cheerilee!”

They were kind enough to take me inside as I tended my new tiny, hoof-shaped bruises.  No serious damage, really, but my pride was not taking the close brush with death-via-fillies very gracefully.  Luckily, they didn’t bring it up, so I made a full recovery.

After I got all washed up, I broke it down for them.  Needless to say, the initial reaction didn’t go well.  The explanation alone was awkward, but even AFTER they believed it Cheerilee wasn’t too enthusiastic about letting it happen.  Applebloom on the other hand, was blown away after I proved it to her with a piece of scratch paper turned upside down.

“That’s... That’s... You kin burn books to get smart?” She was amazed by this.  I don’t think I’ve ever impressed anybody as much as I had her with that single trick.

The gears in her head were already turning and Cheerilee was quick on the nipping of that bud.  Just as the filly turned to ask the question we both knew was coming, the teacher pony quickly headed her off with the answer.

“No, Applebloom, that’s not something you can do.  So please, let’s not get our hopes up.” Poor Applebloom never had a chance to inhale, even.

“Can I keep my hopes up?” I poked my bottom lip out. “Really, I wouldn’t ask if it was just for kicks or something, but I’m... just tired of sitting around doing nothing to help.  I just don’t have time to learn all the basics, so... y’know.  Need a shortcut.  And stuff.  Seriously, this is pretty important.”

Cheerilee shook her head. “I would love to help you, Firewall, but the school is not provided with a mountain of bits to buy books with.”

“Wait.  Is that the only reason?” I perked up, remembering that I was dating a princess who likely had more than enough connections to more than cover me on this.  I know, I know, exploiting my romantic relations is bad form, but I was really in a bind here. “If I could replace the books or find a way to compensate for them, would it be okay?”

“I... suppose so.  But if you could replace them, why w-...” she began to ask before I interrupted her.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve got friends in high places.  This just happens to be the quickest and most convenient way for me to get what I need.” I assured her with a smile. “Promise.  You won’t miss those books for long barring catastrophic circumstances.  Like floods.  Or anarchy.”

Cheerilee smirked before rolling her eyes. “I’m sure I won’t be missing just a few books should such events take place in either case.  Very well, Firewall.  Take as many as you need.  I’m aware of your relationship with Princess Luna, so as long as you promise to help the school out...”

“Cross my heart and hope to fly!  Stick a cupcake in my eye!” I cried with an ecstatic eye-gouge!

“What’re you talkin’ about, Miss Cheerilee?  He’s mean to the princess!  She won’t want to help him!” Applebloom protested cutely. “I seen them get into fights!”

“Applebloom!  Hush and let the big ponies talk!” I cried, mimicking her sister for good measure.

“Why does everypony keep sayin’ that?!” She stamped a hoof in frustration.  I’m surprised I didn’t need to switch to sugar substitutes after that.

Cheerilee gently chuckled before shaking her head. “Don’t worry, Applebloom.  I’ve heard that Princess Luna is just as mean to him.  Now, can you be a helping pony and pick out some books that might help our friend here?”

“Yes, Miss Cheerilee,” she grumbled, glaring down at the floor as she approached the shelf.  After several seconds of contemplation, she grabbed a few books with her mouth, expertly tossing them onto her head and back before returning and stacking them beside me.  If I had tried that nonsense, I’d have broken at least two bones.  I was impressed at how easily she hefted them around; they weren’t small books.  To be honest, though, Earth Ponies are much stronger than pegasi or unicorns.  As in, unnaturally strong.

“Now, what did you bring us?” the instructopony asked with a gentle smirk. “Remember, Mister Firewall can’t read our language.”

Mister Firewall!  FFFFFFPPTTPFPPTFPTPPFPTTTTTTTTTTT!

Applebloom went through the motions, pointing at each book and describing them.  Two of them were entry-level education material, two of them were intermediate, and she got highly creative by bringing me a thesaurus, dictionary, and an abridged encyclopedia.  I am not making this up, she called it a ‘Ponypedia Equestria.’  I choked down the urge to laugh in her face.  Sorry, that was a little too Piers Anthony, even for me.

I took them with a big smile and immediately ran outside to avoid burning the floor as I did my thing.  Applebloom was awestruck after having seen it in action for the larger books.  She went to go get more books for me, but Cheerilee quickly put a stop to that nonsense.  What was really crazy was that the first story book I absorbed was ‘translated’ for me.  It wasn’t until I absorbed the study books that I was able to get a grasp on the language and could start reading them the way they were written.  Magic.  How does it work?

So after all of that nonsense went down, I decided I needed to stop wasting time and mosey on over to Twilight’s tree pad.  Applebloom made me swear that I would do it again for Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.  Figured it was the least I could do since she was such a big help.  I said my goodbyes and took off for the Library, making a quick stop to grab a snack on the run from one of the kiosk shops at Town Square.  They had already cleaned up and repaired the crater, so it was business as usual; nothing much to blab about.

When I finally got there, I could hear Twilight yelling something from within.  It was going to be a fun visit, I told myself.  While I couldn’t make out the words, I could tell her anxiety was coming from impatience rather than frustration.  See, when Twilight works on something that she can’t actually crack she doesn’t just get mad.  She gets ballistic.  It’s quite impressive, actually.  Luckily for me, this wasn’t the case.  Thus I had no qualms about beating on the door like I was trying to get away from a murderer.

“Dude!” I cried as Spike opened the door.

He was quick on the reply.  He had been getting better at snarkery during the last week or two.  I was so proud.  “We’re not buying anything!”

“You fire-breathing freak!” I ridiculously roared with a dramatic hoof extended right at him.

“Look who’s talkin’, chief!” he countered with a laugh.  He said chief!  Hear that?  That’s my chest swelling with pride.

Twilight had heard enough of our nonsense and bellowed her rebuttal from the study, “Spike, Firewall, stop verbally sparring at the door.  In or out, you two!”

Party pooper.  

I winked at Spike to let him know I was going to harass her a bit before purposefully commenting aloud, “She ruins everything.”

“She’s like a blight upon fun,” he agreed, barely able to keep himself from sputtering in laughter.

“Excuse me?” Twilight’s head poked from around the corner, threatening to set us both aflame with her glare.  To my shame, I panicked a bit and couldn’t think of anything to avert the oncoming disaster.  What was it with ponies and their ability to damn near kill with their looks, anyway?

“I said you’re a light upon one.” He pointed to his chest as if to say he was ‘one’ which was stretching it a bit, but Twilight was thankfully too distracted to take notice.

“Good save.” I whispered.  Sadly, my whisper wasn’t quiet enough to evade Twilight’s ears.  She’s a sharp cookie, you know.  So anyway, we trotted our silly selves into the study where Twilight was busy taking samples out of a black globe that was wreathed in a soft white light.

“Ugh, you bring out the worst in him, you know that?” She snapped, not even looking away from her work.

“Don’t blame me.  I can’t help it if my awesome rubs off on Spike!” I pointed a hoof at Spike, as if it were all his fault.  To be fair, he shouldn’t have been so impressionable, amirite?

“Whatever.” She glanced back at me, snorting a bit of her anger flames. “Spike, since you’re already up, I need you to go down to Quills and Sofas to pick me up another bundle.  And grab an extra bottle of ink while you’re at it.”

I trotted over to the samples and watched as she tilted her head in curiosity.  Because I’m stupid, I reached out to pick one of the samples up, only to get my hoof slapped.  Totally justified.  I pouted at Twilight’s glaring face, only to realize just how out of sorts she actually was.  Her unkempt hair, the red tinge along the edges of her eyes, and the dark circles under them were all telling me that Twilight was stressing over this.  Stressing, and nearing a breaking point.

“That’s the second one today!” Spike did not look happy with having to leave again.  Poor little guy.  He was too young to have a full time job, if you ask me.

“I’ve had lots of work to do and still plenty more, yet!” She raised her voice two octaves and six decibels.  I actually flinched, quite unused to frazzled Sparkle. “Now stop arguing and move your scaly tail, this research is important!”

Spike bolted for the door, just as bothered by the reaction as I was.  I went to say bye, but he was too fast for me; door shut before I could even take a breath.  He’d be back soon anyway, I figured.  As soon as the door shut, I turned on Twilight with a concerned visage.

“Wow.  Um.” I rubbed the back of my neck, a little nervous about asking. “Twi, you okay?”

Twilight didn’t even look at me.  She simply continued retrieving samples until she had a dozen or so. “I’m fine!”

“Eegh~!  Wrong answer.” I stepped in front of her, frowning at the impatient glare I got in return.  Now, I know a lot of things have managed to scare me in the past, but Twilight wasn’t one of them.  She’s a little too cute for that. “Look in the mirror.  When’s the last time you slept?”

“This morning!” she roared as she moved to step around me; I moved to compensate.  Simple as that.

“Stop yelling!  Christ almighty, you need a break.” I immediately began nudging her towards the kitchen.  She pushed back, but she wasn’t what you would call... um... built?  So yeah, she was forced to obey through means of sheer physical dominance!  That’s how I was sure that she wasn’t thinking straight.  She only had... what?  Sixty spells that could have dealt with me?  Yeah, she needed a time out. “C’mon, let me make you some tea.”

“I just had some!” she cried as she braced herself along the entrance to the kitchen, stubbornly shoving back at me.  When I gently reached out with some unicorn magic to individually pluck the hooves off the wall, she countered by snatching a nearby book off the wall with her own magic.  With ire in her eyes, she began to swat me with the book until I had finally had enough.

“Twilight, I swear to Friendship and Magic,” I growled, lowering the tone of my voice to a threatening one, “If you don’t chill out right now, I’m going to walk out to Sugarcube Corner and inform Pinkie that you need a party to help relax.”

The pupils in her eyes shrunk to the size of pennies (which is a big deal for ponies!) as the horror of that threat set in.  See, Pinkie Pie Parties will wreck your plans for the rest of the day.  One does not simply tell Pinkie that there will be no party.  By God, you will get your party, one way or the other, and if she has to move mountains to get it done, your best hope is to have not liked Everest where it was in the first place.  Somebody get that rock some change-of-address papers and a briefcase!

“You wouldn’t!” She stopped pummelling me with the book as she fell back onto one of the kitchen benches.

“I would,” I uttered, looking her dead in the eye as I fought the urge to burst out into laughter, “I’d tell her to bring streamers, too.”

“You... I...” The frustration reached a boil and she was forced to cry out helplessly as she maneuvered herself onto the bench more completely. “Aaaagh!”

“Lookit you, all relaxed and comfy.” I gushed at her as she ground her teeth in vexation. “Hey now.  Relaxed.  Smiles?”

She bared her teeth at me. “Grrr!”

“Close enough.” I shrugged as I plucked a towel from the drawer and tossed it over her face. “Here.  You don’t interrupt well.  I can relate.”

“Thanks,” she said begrudgingly as she used it to wipe her bleary eyes

“No problem.  Let me get that tea rolling.” I set to the task, smirking when I heard her yawn so hard that she had to wipe the water from her eyes. “You always let out the most epic yawns.  You’re like the Tyrant of Tired.  The Feϋr of Fatigue.”

“How about Supreme Czarina of Sleep?” Twilight can never resist the urge to alliterate in a colorful fashion.  Despite her participation, she still facehoofed before groaning impatiently. “Firewall, I know you’re concerned, but this is a very important task I’ve been entrusted with.”

“And the quickest way to fail Celestia is to work yourself sick,” I reminded her as I walked over holding the teapot with magic as I powered a fireball underneath it, “Really, girl, you look almost as bad as you did during the Battle of Shadows.”

“What?” That seemed to catch her off guard.  For several seconds she said nothing.  She blinked tiredly as my statement set in, more than just a little disturbed. “Really?”

“No.  Actually you look worse,” I lied as I set everything down and began scouring the kitchen for it’s coveted sugar repository.  The tea began whistling just as I found it (I’m pretty fast with getting it to boil), “Less wounds, more stress.  Seriously, you look like death warmed over.  Or maybe just death.”

After adding a generous scoop into mine, I called out to Twilight for her desired amount of sweetness, “One lump or two, miss pony?”

THWACK!

I looked back over my shoulder in shock to see her face down on the bench, out like a light.  Yeah, that was the sound of her skull likely destroying itself upon the treated wood bench shortly after losing consciousness to mental exhaustion.

“I didn’t mean on your head, Twilight!” I informed the unconscious equine with a sigh.  I chugged my still nigh-boiling tea (Didn’t even singe my tongue!) before moving over to give the prone purple pony a precarious prodding poke. “Jerk.  Now I’m going to be all hyper from that tea.”

Twilight murmured something in her sleep and rolled over.  Had I not caught her with my magic, she would have experienced a second impact, this time involving her entire body and the floor.  I noticed a slight groove in the bench where her horn had viciously attacked the wooden furniture, mercilessly carving its shape into it.  That had to hurt.  Horns ain’t exactly like fingernails.  They have feelings, too.  And they let you know when their feelings are hurt by sending egregious amounts of agony straight into your brain.  S’fun.  

With a chuckle, I threw her on my back and ever so gently made my way up the stairs.  My eyes trailed over the notes she had been taking, and I noticed a couple of curious things.  Firstly, that I could actually read the damn Wing Dings.  Secondly, there was a lot of cross referencing with her notes on the Inmanipulon, as though the two were related.  I actually couldn’t stop myself from forgetting what I was doing and began to read right there, but I soon felt a wetness developing on my shoulder from TWILIGHT DROOLING ON ME.  God.  I grimaced and cantered up the stairs, resisting the urge to throw her at her bed as soon as I entered her room.  To my credit, I simply set her down and threw her cover over her prone plot.  I did, however, use the same cover to wipe at the offending saliva she had been so freaking generous to gift me.

As I cantered back down the stairs, withholding my urge to stop for more spit wiping, I magicked her book full of notes over to me and began scouring them, glazing over the calculations.  There were several spots where I just had to turn the page because I couldn’t bear trying to digest what she was getting at.  There was this HUGE part on how it related to Pinkie Pie’s Pinkie Sense and how she was able to travel at insane speeds or seemingly teleport.  It was kinda funny, she actually hit a logical flaw early on and kept trying to compensate for it before having gave up and crossing out at least seven pages of hard analytical work dedicated to fruitlessly explaining the Pinkius Pieicus.

All that aside, I just wanted so bad to be lazy and slurp it up via Absorption Spell.  But alas, I didn’t have a second set of notes to spare, and I was not about to try Twilight’s Book Replication trick without having had some guidance on it first.  Besides, it was outside my affinity and would likely drain the hell out of me even if I was familiar enough with it.

Anyway, here’s a summary of what Twilight had:  The Shadow Magic was a watered down Inmanipulon that was diluted enough to be usable outside of just snuffing other magic out.  A simpler form of it, actually.  With this more easily understood form of magic to work with, Twilight was able to link normal, everyday pony magic to Inmanipulon and actually unravel the mystery of the magic disrupting substance.  We already knew that Inmanipulon was just a magic-sucking black hole, but we didn’t know why.

At least, we didn’t until Twilight happened!  Madam OP Sparkle figured it out, which was why she was entrusted with it.  She’s awesome like that.  Anyway, brace yourself:  Inmanipulon was a Focus, or in layman's terms, a point to where magic is attracted before being cast in a spell or enchantment, etc etc.  For those of you that are technologically inclined, think of it as a magical capacitor where it’s all stored before it’s used.  Anything can be a focus.  Horns, hooves, tails, even inanimate objects when enchanted properly.  Some are better than others and blah blah blah, magical projection via horns.  ANYWAY!  The difference between Inmanipulon and other such focal points was that it wasn’t doing anything with its magic.  It was just sitting on it, pulling in more and more without ever giving it direction.

Consequences of this?  Ugh, I know, magibabble.  It was boring as hell, but I was so stuck on wanting to help that I didn’t care.  Anyway, the side-effects of this magic magnetism was that you couldn’t use magic around it.  It would disrupt the ‘geas’ (That’s what Twilight calls it.  From the context, I think it’s the programming behind a spell or enchantment.  Probably.) of any nearby magic.  Any spells would become free-floating magic that gets absorbed and anything already focused, like a magical music box, would become inert as long as it stayed within range.

Bleh.  Technical, I know, but it was still pretty fascinating after you got into it.  I mean, the process was boring as hell, but what this eventually led to was actually very intriguing.  Because Twilight was able to use the Shadow Magic to link an understanding between Inmanipulon and the magic that everypony used, it meant that there was a formula that could be broken down and understood.  She had done a lot of cross referencing with her other notes on Inmanipulon and had devised a theory spell that could potentially undo Inmanipulon’s focal points.  She was wary of attempting it, though.  From what I understood, taking the highly concentrated magic and dispersing it might lead to... explosive results.

Long Story Short?  Twilight “Einstein” Sparkle had just theoretically created the magic A-Bomb.  NOTHING CAN GO WRONG WITH THIS.  EVER!

“Well, damn, son!” I exclaimed, aimlessly chewing on a pencil (I do that when I read) as I let that roll around in my head.

“Huh?” I had not heard Spike come in, nor did I hear him shut the door, and I certainly wasn’t aware of his standing three feet away when he spoke up.  What I did know was that I nearly crapped myself when he made his grunt of general confusion.

“Aeeii!” I squealed, jumping back and clutching my heart with one hoof, “Don’t do that, man!”

“Woah,” Spike danced back a step, nearly dropping his armful of quills and ink, “Little highstrung, are we?”

“Sh-Shut up!” I gasped, choking a tad on the piece of pencil I had bit off and half-swallowed.  See, that’s why I don’t scare people.  It leads to this kind of nonsense.

“Wow.  Does everypony that studies that stuff get all bent outta shape?” He set down his purchases before scratching at his head.

“S-ghk!  S-Sorry, I don’t *kaff!* scare well.” I coughed a few more times, trying to clear my throat.  After some gross noises and a couple of gags, the wooden assailant was dislodged and popped out of my mouth.  It beautifully soared through the air before clattering against the floor just in front of the young dragon.

“Nasty!” He grimaced, shying away from it before blinking, having remembered something. “Oh, uh... Eww.  Applebloom is looking for you.  Said she got you another book you might need.  Yuck.”

“The more attention you give it, the more power it has over you!” I declared, shaking a fisted hoof in a manly, mighty fashion. “Do not fear it, Spike!”

“Whatever, just... go find Applebloom.  I told her I’d send you her way, but it’s starting to get dark out.” he continued to stare at the offending bile covered pencil, his scales paling in revulsion. “And... please clean that up?”

After staring at him as though he were being a pansy (he totally was), I levitated the fearsome piece of wood and graphite into the trash can and threw a napkin over the spot.  After wiping around some, I made short work of disposing it.  Then gently bonked Spike on the head for being so squeamish and headed for the door.

“Twilight’s asleep,” I warned him, “Wake her up at your own risk.”

“Psshyeah... More like ‘let her sleep at my own risk,’” he responded, rolling his eyes as he crossed his arms, “Still, I’ll take the chance.”

“Good man!” I smirked back at him before opening the door. “Peace!”

Rather than aimlessly search about for Applebloom, I decided to head for Sweet Apple Acres and see about beating up Applejack for fun while I waited for her to show up.  It likely wasn’t that important that I get this book, but I didn’t want to disappoint Applebloom.  Besides, AJ would hit me if I came to Ponyville without dropping in.  Her and Dashy both.  I was a little surprised that I hadn’t been tackled by Dash already.  

Regardless of who I was looking for, the pony that found me was not who I was expecting.  Guess who?  No, Octavia doesn’t live in Ponyville.  At first I thought it was Luna wrapped in a hooded cloak coming down the road.  That was a fair, yet incorrect assumption that I had made based off of the blue hooves and dim lighting along the road.  When the mysterious pony pulled back the hood, though, I was surprised to see that it was none other than the G&PT.  For a few seconds, we just sorta stared at each other, having stopped to stare.  Me in shock; her in contemplation.  Common sense eventually kicked the door down (I wish it would do that more often) and told me to play it cool.  So I did what was natural.

“My beloved Trixie, you’re looking fantastic,” I gushed, cantering over to give her a hug.  She stiffened a tad at the show of affection, but began to laugh nonetheless.  I was telling a bold-faced lie, by the way.  She looked run down.  Whether it was stress or actual wear and tear, I had no clue.  But she looked about as rough as Twilight had.  She had dark circles under her eyes like nopony’s business and her makeup was running a tad.  I had not known she even wore makeup before then.

“Yes, yes, The Great and Powerful Trixie always looking smashing,” she agreed tiredly, hesitating before patting my back and breaking away from the hug.

“But of course!” I flashed my best smile at her before letting it fade, my concern for her finally showing through. “You’re not endangering yourself by coming out to see me, are you?”

She opened her mouth for a moment before shutting it again.  I don’t think she was entirely surprised by my concern, but it seemed to have touched her nonetheless.  After she composed herself again, she smiled.

“No, I am not.  Master David has actually sent me here to speak to you, so you need not worry about me.”

I began to respond before taking a sniff of the air.  It had a metallic smell to it.  It took me a second to place it, but I eventually made the connection to ionization.  Electricity.

“Right.” I subtly glanced about. “And what did he send you to speak about?  I’m in good health.  Is he?  I hope not.  Actually, that’s not true, I really don’t wish ill on anypony or person.”

“Come with me, please,” she murmured softly.

Trixie nodded her head to the side, motioning me to walk with her.  I complied, even though I knew it was leading us further away from town and assistance should the situation go bad.  I didn’t know what David’s motives were, but Trixie definitely didn’t want to see anything bad happen (or so I hoped).  So we walked in silence for a few minutes as the cold night air swept through.  I was kept warm, but Trixie was more vulnerable to the chill of the late evening.  I stepped a little closer and turned up the heat like a gentlecolt, causing her to smile gratefully in my direction before finally coming out with it.

“He wants to offer you a way home,” she said with a hopeful smile that she aimed directly towards the ground.

That got my attention.  I looked at her in shock as I gauged her sincerity.  Whether or not it was true, she certainly believed it and thought that it would make me happy to hear it.

“Really?” I was doing a bit of soul-searching to see if it should make me happy, whether I let it or not. “Why?”

“Because Equestria is in danger.” She said in all seriousness.

I was skeptical to say the least.  Especially on the part where it involved me going home.  Still, I was willing to hear her out.

“This more about the Inmanipulon?” I narrowed my eyes at her. “Because Twilight just figured out how to undo it.”

“No, it’s no... What?” Trixie stopped, her visage degenerating to a state of horror. “You’re bluffing.”

I facehoofed.  That was NOT something I should have let out of the bag.  Seriously, my mouth needs a physical, mental, and magical filter on it.  I shook my head and sighed, deciding to see it through to the end.

“Nope, she’s figured out how to create the stuff and reverse-engineered a method to break it all apart.” I admitted, pulling out a cigarette and lighting up. “Turns out it’s just a higher, more complex state of magic that overrides lesser magic around it.  Kinda sucks it up for itself.”

“Oh.  Fireball, that’s not good.  That’s not good at all.” Trixie was shaking her head. “You... I... This shouldn’t be happening so soon.  What do we do?”

The smell of ionized air got a little stronger, and I began to pull one of the awesome moments where the good guy points out how the bad guys aren’t going to get the drop on him by pointing out the ambushers in the shadows.  Yeah, it felt as awesome as it looks.  Just like in the movies.  Stupid, I know, but yeah.  Awesome.

“We as in you and me?  Or we as in you and Commander Starlight?” I smiled all bright and proud of myself.

Sure enough, a rustle from a nearby tree followed by the hairs standing up on my neck belied an approaching Sky Archon.  She floated down in front of us, her red eyes downcast with... well, I wasn’t sure, actually.  Whether it was sorrow, disappointment, or just a simple polka face, I couldn’t tell.  I just knew she wasn’t happy.  The wind picked up considerably, violently whipping at her midnight black mane and stirring her ire.  She responded by giving a strong flap of her wing against the flow of air and without a moment’s hesitation, the cutting breeze stopped altogether.

“Very nice.” I winked at her with a smirk. “So uh... Let’s cut to the chase then.  David wants to send me home.  Yes, I know you never said that, but he wouldn’t make that offer out of the kind cockles of his heart.  He doesn’t strike me as a good Samaritan, after all.  I’m going to assume that you’re going to try and forcibly take me if I don’t play along.”

“Little too smart for your own good, aren’t you?” Starlight stared at me impassively. “If you knew, why did you play along?”

“Yeah, well, funny thing about my smartness,” I sputtered with a laugh, blushing somewhat, “I really didn’t figure it out until... Ten seconds ago?”

“That’s unfortunate for you.” Starlight raised an eyebrow, allowing the slightest of smirks to creep onto her face.

Trixie frowned and let her ears droop as she lowered her head. “You don’t want to leave.”

“Not especially!” I cracked my neck before stretching my back legs. “So yeah, let’s uh... Let’s get this over with.”

Starlight released that electrical charge she had been holding onto just as I caught fire and yanked Trixie in between us.  She was quick enough to shield herself from the magic, which saved my conscience a beating, let me tell you.  I then shoved her out of the way and dashed straight at Starlight, knowing her to be an Artillery Archon.  Getting in her face would keep her pretty well disabled and keep Trixie from using big explosive tricks.  Unless she decided she wasn’t too afraid of some friendly fire.  Luckily, she seemed to value Starlight enough to not explodificate us.  The Great and Powerful Trixie pulls through yet again!

“Sorry, Starlight, Hot Shot sends his regards,” I called out before skidding at the ground with my burning hooves to kick up a spray of fiery sand at her.  Neat trick I adapted from Winter Sky.

Starlight wasn’t too predictable, she just wasn’t extremely fast.  She had to blast away the debris with her wings just to keep from getting burned and blinded.  Unfortunately for her, this kept her on the ground.  Fortunately for me, it wasn’t that difficult to cut through the buffeting winds and take her forelegs out from under her with a sweep of my tail.

Winter Sky doesn’t like the idea of Artillery Archons and Sword Archons.  Why?  Because they have weaknesses.  Had I tried this on a Sword Archon, I’d have been getting my hoof stuffed into my own face.  But because Starlight had focused on that channelling of raw weather power, it was almost... Well, no, it just straight up was easy.  Beforehand, I thought he had just been the Arlee Ermy of ponies.  At that point, though?  Yeah.  Made perfect sense.

With her legs taken out from under her, her entire array of options was to consider what she would be dreaming about for the next two hours of unscheduled sleep.  I would have recommended some aspirin for the concussion she got from one back hoof of mine to her forehead.

“Well, one down.” I looked back at Trixie. “Care to surrend-SHIT!”

I dodged a line of energy sent by The Great and Powerful Trixie.  It was a close thing, too.  Whatever it was, it grazed my flank and numbed everything in my body for a few seconds.  I couldn’t even feel my tongue against the roof of my mouth.  Quite disorienting.  I was still capable of swinging my head her way and spraying a great big wave of fire her way, causing her to retreat as she cast spells to protect herself.

“I believe you were saying something about surrender?” I heard Azure Flora’s demure voice ring out.

Then my fire winked out, which rather bothered me to be honest.  Probably something to do with the Inmanipulon chain that wrapped around my neck with no warning whatsoever.  I grabbed hold of it and twirled my neck to get it off me but it coiled faster than I could spin.  Then it decided I didn’t need air and tightened considerably, choking me senseless.  But Mister Chain, I would like to breathe.  No, Mister Firewall, that won’t be necessary.  You can, however, take a nap.

“Glrk!” I splurked sagely as it tightened, my eyes searching about frantically for the white and blue pony.  Had she not stepped out from a nearby bush, frowning sadly, that would have been game.  As it was, though, I had all the time I needed to find a small rock along the road and kick it right at her.  Crazy as it was, this desperate attempt was just to keep me in the game.  It had nothing to do with winning.  My hopes and dreams soared through the air like a swan with no wings.  With luck granted to me by a certain green pegasus, it bounced off her nose carrying enough speed to actually make a thunk of impact.  Boink~!

I wasn’t out of the forest yet, but she lost enough focus to stop strangling me.  I immediately galloped right for her, dragging the chain behind me as she shook the stars out of her eyes and lifted a hoof.  Just before I could tackle her, the chain tightened and began to pull me back.  I glrk’d again just inches from her face before forcing myself closer.  She stared at me fiercely as I inched closer, my vision starting to swim.  I guess she wanted to be all badflank by not stepping away, but that turned out to be a mistake for her.  With all my heart and might, I chomped down onto her hair and let the chain yank us both away.

Now, poor Azure Flora is not an experienced combatant.  I guess she never got around to learning how to fight in a thousand years.  Me?  I’ve been getting my fight on for the past ten weeks, so not only was I in the best shape I’ve ever been in, it was also fresh on my mind.  Long Story Short:  She got two hooves to the face and a naptime spot right beside Starlight.  Best news for me?

“Ooooh, Trixie~!” I got to my hooves and twirled the chain in one hoof. “Guess what I gooooot~?”

I expected fear, shock, horror... Something that gave credit to my advantage over her.  She didn’t give me one.  Instead, she just took off and forced me to chase her.

“Get back here and take your beatings like a Mare!” I cried out after her.  She completely ignored this request, however, and continued with her attempt at fleeing.  She took off from the road into some bushes, which slowed her down considerably.  Me?  I had no problems powering through the brambles.  When I heard the opening of one of those thunderous portals, though, I panicked and stepped it up.  I caught up to her just as that black gap in space widened and executed a magnificent half-pike dive with a twist.  Okay, so maybe not that elaborate.  We’ll never know for certain.  Probably happened just like that, though.

“GOTCHA!” I laughed as I caught her, sending us both into a tumble.  I smiled in triumph as I hugged her neck. “I win!  Not only that, but I get to tie you up with a CHAIN!  Do you know how many sick bronies out there would kill to do that to you?  The line would be massive!”

“GET HIM, GET HIM NOW!” she shrieked as she fruitlessly struggled against me.

“Firewall?” I heard a timid voice call out. “W-What’s goin’ on!?”

I looked up at the black portal just in time to see The Nightmare fly out of it.  I snatched the chain up out of pure reaction and swung it at that stupid cloud.  It still had a few coils around my neck, but it had enough length to pass through it’s target and cause it to shriek in pain as it retreated a tad.  I looked to the source of the small voice and saw Applebloom carrying a book inside of a backpack.  She must have heard the commotion and followed me here, thinking something was wrong.  Unfortunately for her, she was right.

“Applebloom!  Get out of here!” I yelled at her as I jumped back from The Nightmare. “Get to Ponyville!  NOW!”

She wasted no time and immediately took off.

“GET THE WITNESS!” The Nightmare bellowed at Trixie before honing back in on me.  I swung the chain at it again but it swirled evasively and directed itself onto a collision course with me.  I braced myself for an impact that never arrived.  At least not physically.  Within moments, my mind was on fire from the screaming invasion I was suddenly undergoing.

The Nightmare was possessing me.

I tried to muster the spell that had blocked it out before, but my own weapon had been my undoing and I couldn’t conjure it up with the chain of Inmanipulon hanging off of me.  Though it was causing The Nightmare great pain to push past the chain’s burning touch, it was also giving it the advantage it needed to take hold of me.  I felt my hooves lift off the ground and though I was mentally kicking and screaming just as hard as The Nightmare was, I could do nothing to stop it from happening.

~No No NO NO!!!!~

“Get it off!” My mouth began screaming as control off my body was surrendered to The Nightmare.  My hooves began yanking on the chain, causing it to spin along my fur coat as we eventually tore free from it. “Get it off!”

After that, we fell to the ground and panted loudly.  The pain had to have been excruciating for The Nightmare to have worn her out so thoroughly, but she shook it off after a few minutes of laying around.  Finally, we got to our hooves and breathed in deeply.

~It seems you played right into that one...  And I now have what was rightfully mine from the start...~

I didn’t respond.  I was too horror struck.  She threw our head back and began laughing (she seemed to do that whenever she nabbed a new body) maniacally as flame erupted all around us, setting fire to bush and tree alike.  The fire then tore away from it’s fuel and enveloped us as the possession finally began warping my body.  I grew in size as armor began to form and harden around nearly every inch of me.  I felt a tightening sensation in my back as my form continued to twist.  As terrifying as it was, though, I was too distracted by the sensation of power.  Even from a prisoner’s point of view, I could not help but get caught up in the flow of power surging within us.  It wasn’t that different than when Celestia had given me that incredible rush of magic.  Only this time it wasn’t tiring or painful.  It was exhilarating.  I do not advise trying it out if you find yourself easily addicted to sensations of euphoria.

“Ah, what a rush!” She pranced on the tips of our hooves for a second as the fire died away, leaving a scorched crater all about us.  She stopped after a second of this and considered her actions with a tap to our chin. “Wow, you really are a giddy one, aren’t you?  Hah!”

Yeeaaah.  The Nightmare fills in the gaps of itself with the personality of whatever it possesses.  If it’s feral, she becomes animalistic.  If it’s Celestia, she becomes regal and superior.  If it’s me, she gets... Well, you can guess as much.

“Not talking today, tough guy?” She pouted our lips at nothing. “Come now, surely you can appreciate being outplayed.  And don’t fret, it’s not so bad being with me.”

~Leave me alone... I... I have nothing to say.~

“Oh, whatever!  Hah!  You‘ve nothing to say?” She began to titter uncontrollably. “Puhleeze!  That’s a first if I’ve ever heard one.  That’s about as common as Celestia dropping a Filthy Earth Pony joke!”

I snorted mirthfully despite myself.  I know, it wasn’t even that good of a joke, but I couldn’t help it.  A bad joke dropped during a harrowing experience is funny in and of itself.  And this definitely counted as harrowing.

“That’s better,” she snerked before stretching out our wings.  I guess it was a package deal.  So much for fanon!

By the way, this is a little off-topic but I had never been so emotionally conflicted before in my life.  I was finally sporting a genuine pair of wings.  FINALLY.  AND I COULDN’T EVEN USE THE DAMN THINGS!  THE PAGAN WINGSHRUG GODS HAD FROWNED UPON ME YET AGAIN!

Anyway, back to our little mental foray.

~Forgive me for not leaping for joy.  I’m not having what most people call a great day.  Hell, you probably turned us into a girl, too.  … You didn’t... Did you?~

“I don’t know!” She laughed before checking our hoof with a smirk. “Ooooh, black armor.  Very nice.  Let’s get a better look, shall we?”

~Stop talking to the voices in your head, it’s unhealthy.~

Oh, the irony.

She summoned up a mirror and illuminated the area with a bit of fire for us to see the latest Firewall developments.  Oh my Celestia.  We looked like an actual Nightmare wearing war barding.  As tall as Celestia, as black as sin, and with fire slipping out of every crevice in the armor, eyes included.  She twisted and turned a bit to admire every inch but as far as ponies go, we seemed rather gender neutral.

~Androgynous.  Somehow I feel worse about that.~

“Oh shut up, we look fantastic~!” she cooed at the mirror.  I could feel my general self-admiring arrogance oozing right through her.  The difference was I did it for humor’s sake.  She, on the other hand, was embracing it. “Admit it.”

~I’d say you look a little on the fat side.~

“Don’t forget, foal, this body has been in your care, not mine!” Yeah, I knew that insult wouldn’t work.  I still wanted to try.

~Well, it wasn’t that fat before taking on a second passenger...~

“Well, now it’s returned to its rightful owner and has never looked better.” She winked at the reflection, her narcissism threatening to gag me.  Was this how people reacted when I did stuff like that?

Some rustling in the bushes caused her to dismiss the mirror as we turned towards the racket.  Starlight stepped through, holding a small block of ice to her forehead as she limped (hard to walk with three legs, but doable).

“Did it work?” she asked with a wince.

“Yes, yes, he’s quite well in hoof, as you can see.” The Nightmare snuffed out the fire that had been venting from us.

I was sadfacing from within.  They really had planned the entire thing from the start.  Maybe David’s last name really was Xanatos, after all.

“Good to know I didn’t take a kick to the face for nothing,” she grumped as she approached, looking us over. “Not bad for a clown and parasite combination.”

“Enough prattle.” Azure Flora emerged from the shrubbery.  It was a nice shrubbery. “Our task is done.  Where’s Trixie?”

“Right here.” Trixie also walked from the foliage.  What followed her was a floating, unconscious Applebloom.

“Good to see you’ve tied up that loose end,” The Nightmare said with a wry smirk, “It would have been annoying to have had to h-...!!!”

~NO!~

I snapped.  They had Applebloom.  I threw every ounce of my will into the fight.  Perhaps it says something about me that I didn’t even try when it was just me on the line, but with Applebloom in danger, I wasn’t about to just lie down and take it.  Anything I could do.  Kick, scream, tear down the metaphorical walls, recite Vogon poetry.  It was working somewhat as it seemed to make my body seize up and fell to it’s knees.  The Nightmare fought back, but have you ever tried to physically stop someone from wrecking a room?  If they’re not actively fighting against you, then it turns out to be extremely difficult.  So yeah, like that.  She was able to keep me slightly contained, but not much more than that.

“Get... Trixie open the portal...” She gasped through my mouth.

I have no way to easily convey or describe how things were going nor how it was being done, but I can say I was so enraged that I wasn’t actually fighting for control.  I was just causing mayhem.  Making it hard for her to do anything.  I don’t think I could have truly ever wrestled control back, but I could certainly make it difficult to do anything at all.

I wasn’t actually paying attention, but somewhere along the line I remember a portal opening nearby and the others dragging us through it.  It was kinda like having a TV off to the side that’s playing loudly, but you’re still not paying attention to it even though you’re forced to get the gist of what was happening.  The Nightmare kept trying to suppress me and was all shocked that it wasn’t working.  Didn’t care, though.  Just wanted to make it suffer and I was doing a good job.  Hell, maybe if I kept it up on a long enough timeline, she’d move out.

“D... David!” My mouth cried. “Ge... Get him out!”

“What’s wrong with her?” Trixie and Azure Flora were keeping their distance, unsure of what would happen.

I was suddenly paying attention again.  My head lifted up from the ground.  I would have taken in my surroundings if I were in control of my eyes, but instead, I was forced to look up at Harr... David as he approached.  He peered down at us before crouching, his brow furrowing inquisitively.

He raised an eyebrow before murmuring, “Can you not control him?”

“N-No!” My mouth sputtered as The Nightmare took advantage of my distraction to gain better control. “He’s not sleeping like... Luna or Celestia.”

“Then it seems I did a good of a job protecting him against you,” David muttered with an apprehensive nod, “Very well.”

“You what!?” The Nightmare cried, no longer fighting back.  Hell, even I did a double take.

He what?

He then reached out, touching my nose with his finger.  I remember a bright flash and suddenly being thrown back.  It was an odd tingling sensation that he had afflicted me with, but when I looked up, I instantly realized that I was no longer contending for control of my body.  I stood up and began to inhale for a wave of fire before spotting my body still on the ground in front of David.  It was panting in a relieved sort of way, as though it had just gone through a successful surgery.  It lifted it’s head to look at me before gazing back up at David.

“Wha?” I instinctively scratched at my head before realizing I was only using two legs to hold myself up.  Then it hit me. “You...”

I lifted my hand and paled when I saw the five wiggling digits attached to a palm.  To be honest, I don’t know how I felt about having my old body back.  However, I knew a certain alicorn that was going to take issue with it.

“Quite a shock,” David said with a smirk before lifting his hand, “Nothing a bit of rest can’t take care of.  In fact, I think it would do both of you some good.”

My old pony body suddenly passed out before it had a chance to respond.  Had I been less distracted, I would have reacted in a self-preserving manner.  As it was, though, I was still freaking out at the fact that I got my thumbs back.  When David turned his power on me, I felt incredibly dizzy and stumbled about aimlessly as I tried to fight off the overpowering sense of fatigue.

“Oh man... You’re so screwed,” I slurred rebelliously before falling to my knees and slumping onto my side, “Luna’s... gonna kill you... for this.”

And then I took a nap.  Quite possibly the nicest involuntary nap I’d ever had.

Chapter Twelve                                                                Chapter Fourteen

CHAPTER FOURTEEN SNEAK PEEK!

And that was the last thing I remembered.  I love you, Luna.

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

By CardsLafter

Chapter Fourteen:  Gave That Luna Some Chapter.  Lunas Love Chapter!

Sonuva whore!  Forty-three thousand words!  This is where I flop about in pain and anguish!  Why did I do this to myself!?

Blargh.  Not much to say, guys.  Life’s getting back on track and I’m actually going to be able to write more consistently.

Now, I hope this chapter goes over well because I’ve really bled for this one.

Anyway, rather than waste more time, I’m going to link a few cool things and some pictures or something.  *flop*

Ponies.

First up we got DaAfroMan’s animation project!  He wants to animate the entire fan fic.  Yes, you heard me.  All of it.  He doesn’t care if it’s going to take more than a year (or two) to make it happen.  He’s gonna do it.  If you’re interested in helping on this project, whether it be voice-acting, animation, concept art, music contributions or (Omnipony has already claimed Music Director) anything else you can think of, just go Here!

Those crazy MSTFan/Fic/ers have decided to riff my fan fic.  The nerve.  Take the fight to them, bronies! Part One! and Two!  They're still awesome, though. :3

Next up is the fan-forum.  Yes, you remember those nutcases that were blowing up the comments with their zaniness?  Well, they decided it would be best to congregate in their own nutshell.  I’ll miss those squirrelly little buggers.  Here’s the link if you wanna join in the madness!

And last but certainly not least, an audiobook is currently being casted for.  Quite a few of the male voices are already snatched up, but there’s still a chance to be a part of something ridiculous! Link is provided within the word ‘provided.’

An amazing piece of music, I daresay one of the best I’ve heard, has hit the youtubes!  

I give to you... The Shadow Archon Battle Theme by our very own Toastwaffle!

Now, I think that’s all the non art stuff.  (TELL ME IF I MISSED SOMETHING!)

So, without further ado... ON TO THE ART!  Be sure to check out http://firewall-club.deviantart.com/ for more artsy stuff!

I was prepared for many things.  Rule 63 Firewall was not one of them.  Also, that is not Storm Wing, but the OC of the fellow who commissioned this fine piece of artwork.  Also, Dat Flank.  Thanks, Silver!

People often ask me how they make it to the Art Section of the chapter.  Not SerenaKKS, though... Nope.  This crazy pony knew the way to my heart was through my two favorite pegasi.  <3  Also, I love how Storm is smaller than Dashie. XD

D:  It hurts!  *sob*  RainyRag did this.  And damn it, he did a good job, too! D:

Damn it, Mick, you went all out on this one! O.o  Color me (rimshot!) impressed, my good pony! :O

I don’t like to double up on artists’ work.  But I really couldn’t choose between the two.  SerenaKKS, you get a brohoof... I’m in love with Nightmare Sol.

And now... The moment you’ve all been waiting for... FANFICTION!  (that is such an anticlimactic sentence... XD)

First of all, I want to say I was in a bad mood to start.  Why?  I had nightmares about Luna getting herself... Well, perish the thought and all but, uh... killed in her attempts to save me.  Shit was bothering me in ways I cannot fully describe.  Brought back some terrible memories, as well.  Suffice it to say, waking up screaming somebody’s name in terror is not a good start to my day, okay?  A cold sweat was the least of my worries however, since it was all downhill from there.  

Oh yeah.  Feel the burn of unlawful imprisonment.

It was easy to figure out where I was because I had seen it before.  That meant squat when it came down to where it was in comparison to other places, but I knew it wasn’t too terribly far from Ponyville.  Why?  Because it was a dark cold cave with medieval torches and perfectly cut jewels protruding from the walls.  I was in the underground lair... of the Diamond Dogs.  Specifically one of their jail cells.  Silly as this was, it came with a bed, toilet, and a woven carpet.  Homey, right?

I frowned and reached for my cigarettes, only to glare when I realized that I did not have them.  I sat up and prepared to give the gate a good bucking only to realize that I didn’t have four legs.

I did a quick once over of myself to discover that I was exactly the way I was when I had left Earth.  Two arms, two legs, and one head (which made me incredibly abnormal here).  Not only that, but I was clothed in... clothes that weren’t mine.  Oh god, I remembered thinking, I hope these were magicked on.  Still, they were fairly stylish.  A pair of dark grey denim jeans along with a thick white sleeveless tank top and socks.  My first thought upon seeing socks was that I had never placed socks upon any of the ponies, and that was an opportunity missed.  Damn.  I felt my face and discovered that I had skipped shaving for a day when I had been snatched up.  My face was no doubt grey judging by the sandpapery feel of it.

Now, obviously, I have to give you my visual description, right?  Blargh.  Here goes.  I do not look heroic, so let’s get that right out.  I have medium length dark blonde hair that sweeps back, revealing my widow’s peak.  I have a very angular face and a propensity to scowl when I’m not actively smiling.  I know, you’re probably struggling with this image that feels more villainous than anything.  If you aren’t, then you’re doing it wrong.  I don’t look like a nice person, and it’s been something I’ve struggled with ever since high school, which is when my eyes sunk in a tad to help cast shadows under them.  Seriously, I look like I moonlight as Jack The Ripper.  You want to know the irony of this situation?  I’d probably be a much less understanding person if I had not adopted the practice of showing empathy to help reassure people who were forced to regularly spend time with me.

“This does not bode well for anyone.” I ran a hand through my hair as I groaned, moving towards the bars to give them a tug.  Sure enough, they were tight.  That didn’t stop me, though.  They were attached to sedimentary rock, therefore it was likely that they could be worn down with enough wigg-... Yeah.  No, I seriously started to think that before I remembered HERP A DERP THAT’S A SCIENTIFIC/LOGICAL ASSUMPTION.  Magic would probably assure that nothing but a dragon would ever rip those bars out of place.

“Who’s there!?  Show yourself!” I heard a voice furiously demand of me.  A voice that was both very haughty and very familiar.  No, it wasn’t Trixie; I’m not that lucky.  Instead, I got The Nightmare.  Hold me back, ‘cause I get the best dungeon mate ever!  No extra charge for the sarcasm, by the way, ‘cause I’m generous.

“Identify yourself!” she said.

“Yer mom!” I snapped angrily as I gave the bars a yank for good measure.  Yup, they were stuck in place.  I tried a bit of magic, but wasn’t surprised when nothing happened.  I mean, I felt a surge of warmth in my hands, but I was fairly certain that was just me being hopeful.

“Oh.  You.” The joy was practically dripping off of her voice.  I mean I could have bottled it up and everything.

“Firewall!” Applebloom’s voice rang out, causing my rage to kick in.  I had forgotten that they had her here with me.  I pressed my face at the bars and glanced as far down the hall as I could.  It was a long roughly dug out hallway.  I couldn’t see either Applebloom or Nightmare Firesomething (She actually never got around to naming this version).

“Applebloom!” I cried out, becoming semi relieved when she stuck her hoof out.  Her cell was right next to mine and judging by how close her hoof was, the wall wasn’t very thick.  That somehow made me feel a little better.  I reached out and touched her hoof, causing her to shriek in horror.

“No!” She yanked away and I could hear her retreating to the back of her cell, “S-Stuh... Stay away!”

“No, Bloom, it’s me!” I waved my hand around the corner disarmingly. “This is what I look like normally.  It’s just me, Firewall.”

It took her a little while but eventually I felt her poke at my hand with a testing hoof.

“F-Firewall?”

I gave her a thumbs up.  Why?  Not a clue.  Maybe I was hoping she was psychic and would understand what that meant.

“Yeah, darlin’, it’s me.”

When she grabbed hold of my hand with both hooves and clenched fearfully, I felt my chest tighten.  Her fear alone was breaking my heart.  I’m not the typical guy to wear his heart on his sleeve; the quickest way to get around that obstacle is to hurt those I care about.  This fell into that category, for sure.

“Firewall!  Where are we?!” she cried, her voice trembling.

“You’re underground.  Buried under a hundred feet of rock, dirt, and gemstone.” The Nightmare’s voice was cold and a bit snide.  It was as if she was taking joy in telling us just how little hope there was of rescue.

“I think we’re in the lair of the Diamond Dogs,” I said, ignoring The Nightmare, “It’s not that far from Ponyville, but it’s pretty far underground.”

Applebloom silently digested that for a moment.  After her silence began to drag on, I started to speak again, only to be interrupted by the sound of sniffling.  I felt a lump in my throat as her magical grip tightened.

Okay, so I may wear my heart on my sleeves a little.

“Hey... Hey, it’ll be okay.” I promised her, unsure of whom I was trying to convince.  Myself?  Her?  The Nightmare?  Trixie?

…Trixie?

“Trixie!” I spotted her approaching from the corner of my eye.  I was still angry with her, but a large part of me was still happy to see her.  I know she didn’t want this to happen to me, but she didn’t have to drag Applebloom into all of this.

She was nudging along a tray full of covered dishes.  I don’t know what was in it, but it smelled good.  Like garlic.  And tomatoes.  And grilled bovine.  I told myself to ignore the food and stay mad.  Easier said than done, that much was for sure.

“Fireball.” She smiled hesitantly, quickly frowning upon seeing my glare.  Rather than speak straight with me, she fell back on her charade of hubris and inability to speak outside of third person, “The Great and Powerful Trixie is surprised.  Normally you are so happy to see her.”

I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms.  She frowned a bit further more before grabbing one of the trays with her teeth and setting it at the edge of the cell and moving on.  For a while, I considered being all badass and not accepting their food.  That lasted for all of about oh... six seconds?  I’m glad I didn’t wait longer though, because as soon as I reached past the bars to open that damn tray, I saw the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in Equestria.  Except maybe for Luna’s eyes, that is.  Luna has some wicked deep... Right, food.

STEAK!  SWEET MERCIFUL FATHER THAT ART IN HEAVENZ!

It was a big fat 20 oz. Prime Rib steak!  Still hot and dripping with the greasy blood (It’s not actually blood, but rather a watery, blood colored protein called Myoglobin.) of a good Rare-to-Medium-Rare job.  I love my steaks like that.  That’s right.  I hope you’re squeamish ‘cause this sucker was COVERED IN IT!  After staring at it in wonder, I yanked it into my cell and tore into it like a barbarian.  It was delicious.  Beyond amazing in terms of flavor, texture, juiciness and... yeah, I’m boring you, aren’t I?  Suffice to say I blocked everything out for the three minutes that it took to wolf that baby down.  I must have been entertaining to watch because when I finished, I looked up to see Trixie staring at me in awe.  She must have finished serving the others while I was busy enjoying the simple life of a steak lover.

“Was... Was it good?” She blinked as she hoofed me a napkin, unsure of how to digest my ravenous behavior.

I smiled contently before remembering who I was, where I was being held, and why I was here.  I wiped off with the napkin before tossing it onto the plate and sighing.

“Yes,” I said begrudgingly, “Thanks.”

“That was meat, r-right?  David said you... what... what was that?” she asked, wonder splayed upon her visage.  She was curious to know what kind of animal I had just devoured.  

This was going to be fun.  I couldn’t help it.  Anger or not, my need to troll surged like nobody’s business and demanded that I take advantage of this situation.

“That was grilled pony.  Unicorn, specifically.  Didn’t you know?” I licked my lips with a friendly smile.  I am so good at bullshitting anyone for about twenty seconds straight.

She paled visibly, but tried to call my bluff nonetheless, “Y... you’re ly-... No, it wasn’t!”

“Totally was.  Adult unicorn mare.” I winked at her with a toothy grin, turning my head enough to show off my incisors and canines. “You can tell the gender by the flavor of the blood and the light musculature told me unicorn, since they don’t strain their muscles often.  Aftertaste and overall texture can tell you the maturity.  She was right around... your age, Trixie.  She probably... struggled.  Hope it wasn’t anypony you knew.”

Trixie took two steps back, her horrified expression switching from the plate and back to me several times.  Poker faced it.  It was so perfect!  I could tell she was moments away from throwing up and/or passing out.  In all honesty, I could never eat a pony, but the sickening aspect of such an act can be subdued for a good traumatizing act or two.

“Y... oh, I think...” she murmured as she covered her mouth with a hoof, looking exceptionally lightheaded.  She actually lost a bit of her color.

I stared at her for all of five more seconds before finally erupting into a long string of laughter. “Hahaha!  I’m totally pullin’ your hoof, Trixie!  Damn, but the look on your face was so worth it!  You were about to puke, too!”

She wasn’t amused.  She quickly regained her composure and snarled angrily.  Insert trollface right hur!

“Omigosh!” I heard Applebloom cry out, laughing right along with me.  That was uplifting, to be sure.  Cheering up Applebloom was a thousand times cooler than trolling Trixie. “I thought y’all were serious, Firewall!”

“Firewall?” Trixie looked confused, happily grasping a change of subject that didn’t involve the devouring of her kin.

“Yeah, Firewall.” I gave her a nod, smiling coyly. “That’s my name.”

Her expression faded into further flabbergastation. “You’ve let me call you Fireball this entire time!  It can’t be Firewall.”

“Yeah, it can!  ‘Cause it is!” The filly next door protested.  I could practically see her glaring at Trixie like she was the most wrong pony ever!

“It... it is?” She looked back at me in shock.  Finally!  Somepony delivered the news to Trixie and it was about time!  I watched as her face warped from confusion to pensiveness, then finally annoyance as she looked back at me.

“You’ve been letting me get your name wrong this whole time!” She snapped, stamping her hoof at me in embarrassment.

My response?  Fall over and laugh at her some more!  She continued to yell at me for a few seconds, but when Applebloom shared in the mirth, Trixie gave up and began to clean up the plates.  I had not caught on at the time, but she had yet to use any magic whatsoever.  In fact, the only reason I had spotted that was because she was careful to touch my steak plate as little as possible with her mouth.  I was still busy making fun of her, but as she finally got everything gathered up, I was struck with that realization.

“Hey, why aren’t you using magic?” I swung myself back up to my feet and trotted (Damn it, I just got used to using those words, too.) mosied on over to the bars.

She glanced my way but said nothing.  Still bitter about being trolled, I guess.  Somepony needed to get a sense of humor and some thicker skin, in my opinion!  I pouted ridiculously at her but she would have none of it and trotted away as she nudged the rolling food tray.  I dunno, maybe Luna had made me numb to the sensation, but I didn’t think I had trolled her that badly.

“Slave!” The Nightmare shouted at the retreating Trixie. “Tell your master that he will regret betraying me!  I will see him destroyed!”

“I’m not a slave! And you should just tell him yourself,” Trixie’s not-so-amused voice called back as her voice faded.  That’s when it happened.  Cue undramatic entrance by David!

I kid you not, he and Azure Flora walked right past my cell so casually that I almost forgot he was the current antagonist to my life.  He was wearing that same maroon sweater and Harry Potter haircut.  Only this time he was carrying something in his hand.  I didn’t see what it was, just made a general rectangular shape and rather shiny.  Ooooo~... Shiny…

“David!” I cried out, grabbing the bars of my cell, “This is the stereotypical demand of LET ME OUT!  And give me my body back!”

He ignored me, which was the stereotypical villain response, so I couldn’t exactly blame him.  Instead, I just listened as he approached The Nightmare.  Rather, that was what I surmised had happened as the two of them began talking.  Keep in mind I couldn’t actually see them, as they were some number of cells down to the right of me.  I reached back around the corner to Applebloom and held her hoof again to help comfort the frightened little filly.  Fantasy world or not, being kidnapped at such a young age can be horrifying.  Especially when everlasting freedom is all you know.

“David.  You betrayed me.” The Nightmare’s words were sharp enough to shave the gray off my face.  She was not pleased in the slightest.

I could hear him sigh in response before speaking, “It had to be done.  You were out of control and drunk on power.  You still are in the ways that matter, you are just no longer a danger to anyone in your current state.  Still, I blame myself, naturally, since it is all you know.  So now I’m mending my mistakes.  This is for your own good.”

“I don’t need a parent!” she countered angrily.  I could hear a hoof striking one of the bars daringly.

“Actually, you do,” he replied quite softly, “I gave you knowledge and power.  What I didn’t and can’t give you is discipline and wisdom.  I aim to change that.  You deserve a better life.  If you are willing, I will let you out and show you a better way.  Now that you no longer have the power to resist the Codex, I will be willing to place trust within you.”

“Don’t speak to me of trust!  Your ‘trust’ comes with a slave collar and a dog whistle with which to beckon me!” Her words were so sudden and loud that Applebloom clenched my hand again, unaccustomed to such a spiteful attitude.  I ran my thumb over what one might consider her wrist and squeezed back to let her know I was there for her.

“Though, I suppose I should grant that you are both trustworthy and competent.” Her words were dripping with acid and sarcasm, contrasting acutely to David’s soft, passive speech. “Very competent and trustworthy indeed!  It’s a shame that when you were competent you weren’t entirely trustworthy and when you were trustworthy you weren’t very competent!

“Don’t make me laugh, David.  Your treachery is only outclassed by your complete idiocy!  Give me no leeway or I will use it to walk upon you and all your endeavors!  Make no mistake, any misconceptions I once had over being your ally are long gone, foal!  Consider me your enemy, David - a dangerous one at that!”

“I see.” David let out a long sigh before continuing, “And there is nothing I can do to dissuade you?”

“Read my lips, Creator, and read them well:  You will regret the day you created me.  I so swear it,” she snarled, her words soaked in venom.

“Then I have no choice,” he replied in a resigned fashion, “You force my hand.  Flora, open the cage.  I take no pleasure in doing this.”

That was when I figured out why Trixie wasn’t using magic.  This room was chock full of Inmanipulon!  Joy!

“Do your worst, worm!” I heard The Nightmare scream furiously.  There were sounds of a small struggle, followed by her whimpering and eventually a body hitting the ground.  It was actually really scary.  It was like the really tasteful and well-executed horror movies that know panning away from the scene was more intense.  Because for those of us intelligent enough to have a speck of creativity, it is much worse than watching the actual gore.  Your imagination will always jump to the worst conclusion, and for a while, all I could picture was... Well, it certainly wasn’t pretty, I’ll say that much!  

Luckily, that wasn’t the case, as I discovered shortly after.  David walked by again, still ignoring me, followed by Azure Flora and a large flat slab of Inmanipulon carrying The Nightmare.  She seemed completely unharmed, I noticed, just unconscious for some unknown reason.  Flora paused to give me and Applebloom a glance, noting how I was doing my best to comfort the little filly.  She cantered to our cells, avoiding any eye contact with me.

“Don’t worry, child, it will be alright,” she assured Applebloom.  Not sure how little Bloom reacted, but it seemed to sadden Azure Flora.  Judging by the way she pressed her face into my hand, I’m assuming she cowered from the ancient pony.  Flora was a sweetheart, deep down, I’m still fairly certain.  It wasn’t too much of a stretch that frightening a child would sincerely bother her.

“Come, Flora,” David called, “We’ve work to do.  We’ll come back for the boy soon enough.”

Boy?  Man, it had been a while since anybody called me that.  I mean, sure, I may not be a thousand-plus years old like them, but I was old enough to drink and legally obtain STDs!  What’s this ‘boy’ nonsense!?

Anyway, Flora gave Applebloom a sad, almost fearful look before glancing at me as she trotted away.  Her dainty hooves made little to no sound as she retreated after David.  Not exactly a pleasant day all in all.

“What’s going to happen to her?” the terrified little filly asked.

“Not a clue,” I admitted, “but don’t worry.  They’re not going to hurt you.  They don’t have a reason to.”

That seemed to comfort her a bit.  Too bad it didn’t work both ways.  I was still worried if they had a reason to hurt me!

* * *

“Apple.  I can’t believe you haven’t used that one, yet,” I chuckled.

“Eggplant!” Applebloom answered enthusiastically, “And I was savin’ it!  Now ya gone and used it!”

“Tortilla,” I replied with a smirk, softly tapping the back of my head against the wall I was sitting up against, “I know, I’m such an ass.”

“Asparagus!” she called out triumphantly, “What’s an ass?”

“Don’t use that word, Applebloom.  It’s a bad word,” I chided her from behind the stone wall between us, “Spaghetti.”

Yes, we were playing the Food Game.  Juvenile to be sure, but Applebloom was having more fun with it than was reasonable.  But hey, I can get behind unreasonable amounts of fun.  Why, it’s the best sort of fun there is!

Also, if you don’t know what the Food Game is, use your mighty wizard powers (aka Google) to find out.

“Ice cream!  Then why did ya say it?” she harrumphed, “You ain’t no better than anypony else, y’know!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.  I’m sorry,” I sighed and shut my eyes, trying to think of an ‘M’ food. “Mustard.”

“That ain’t no food!” she said just before trying to clear her throat with a cough.

“Can ya eat it?  Also, double negative.”

“You ain’t supposed to eat it by itself!” she stubbornly insisted before letting out a cough.

Decided to lie a bit. “I’ve done it.”

“Yeah, well, you’re kind of a weirdo!”

I just got insulted by a little filly.  Damn.  I was so awestruck by the fact that I forgot to reply, which must have scared poor Applebloom into thinking she had hurt my feelings.

“Firewall?  Firewall, I was just kiddin’!” I heard her scamper up to the bars of her cell, pausing her apology only to cough a couple of times. “I didn’t actually mean it.  I’m really sorry!”

I began to chuckle at her adorable apology.  I had not yet taken note that Mocking Bird Syndrome had set in and I was leaving letters off the end of my words.  Had I noticed, I probably would have overcompensated and ended up sounding British or something.

 “It’s okay, Bloom, it was pretty funny.  And don’t worry, people have been calling me names since I started going to school.  It ain’t nothin’ new.  And... You still gotta ‘D’ food.”

“Ah done told you that mustard ain’t a food!” she immediately replied, not having forgotten her position on the matter in the slightest.  She tried to continue speaking but her sentences kept getting interrupted by increasingly intense coughing. “You -cough- need to pi-cough-pick something... -COUGH- different!”

“You okay?” I blinked.  I had not been actively thinking about it, but Applebloom’s cough had been getting progressively worse as the hours passed.

Before she could respond, the door swung open and the sound of foot and hoofsteps came clapping down the stone floor.  It had been several hours since anyone had last come to visit us in our luxury prison suites, but sure enough Azure Flora and David had returned with The Nightmare.  I couldn’t help but feel my blood run a little cold when I spied my former body curled up on the floating slab of Inmanipulon, shuddering and whimpering quietly in its sleep.  

I heard Applebloom rush to the other side of her cell, having no desire to be anywhere near our captors.  Couldn’t blame her.  She tried to cough as softly as she could, but Azure Flora must have noticed because she stopped the moment she passed me.  She stared into Applebloom’s cell for several seconds, her eyes widening with what looked like horror.  Not sure what she was seeing, but it made me worry for Applebloom.  David paused to look back at her, then followed her gaze methodically.

“Flora,” he said after a second, letting his eyes drift a bit to glance at me, “Come.”

I watched as she had to force herself to look away.  Whatever she was seeing, it seemed to scare her.  I didn’t like that. It pushed out all worries over The Nightmare and started settling on just what was wrong.

“Applebloom, are you okay?” I called out softly as both David and Flora walked out of sight.

“Yeah, I... -cough- I’m just feelin’ a little... -cough- Throat’s a little scratchy,” she quickly barked out between coughs, “I think I... -cough- need to lay down.”

I was suddenly extremely worried.  I didn’t know what all I could do to help the little filly, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to help her.  I tried to remain calm and told myself that Applebloom might just be a little horse.  Then I shot whatever part of my brain furnished such an awful pun to prevent it from happening again.

With a bit of reluctance, I came to the conclusion that there was only one thing I could do, and that was appeal to the sympathetic side of my captors.

Man, sometimes I forget just how quickly my pride, laziness, and just about every other inhibition flies out the window when kids are on the line.  I mean, some thirty-something John Doe somewhere… Yeah, it’ll bother me, but he’s just as able to defend himself as I could.  Children?  Yeah, I mean that’s like hurting Fluttershy.  And you’re just asking for it, then.

I waited until David and Flora returned from caging The Nightmare.  I began to call out to them, but fortunately enough, I didn’t have to.

Flora was visibly trying to ignore Bloom’s coughs, but her resolve was about as strong as a baby otter.  She didn’t even make it past the first bar of my cage before she turned and ran back to the cell next to mine.

David glanced back at her, his eyes narrowing askance. “Flora.”

She didn’t respond.  She was too busy gazing into the cell in fear in her eyes.  It was one of those fears that made me think something similar had happened to her before.

I had that moment.  The one where something that didn’t make sense suddenly made perfect sense.  Where you almost regret figuring it out because the implications are horrible and you don’t want it to be true.

“Flora, do not be so quick to jump to conclusions,” David sighed, removing his glasses long enough to run a frustrated hand over his face. “She has not even been here an entire day.”

“I know, but… but she’s…” Flora was having one of those logic-versus-evidence battles where the facts said that something works one way but what you were presented with was telling you something entirely different. “Just… just look at her.”

David walked over long enough to glance inside before looking back down at his Pact Pony.

“I see a young filly that seems to be sick, resting in a bed because she’s likely running a fever,” he replied quite stiffly, “I’ve no reason to believe she’s experiencing the same effect as you were from prolonged Anti-Magic exposure.  I’ll send Trixie to bring her some medicine.  Create a lock on the cage so that she can enter and exit.”

“David, I don’t know…”

“And neither do I.  Which is why I cannot make any assumptions.  It has cost me enough in the past,” he cut her off before she could continue. “Don’t worry, Flora, if she starts to show more symptoms, then we shall see to it that she is taken care of before it is too late.  But I am taking no chances until then.  Understand?”

There was a pause in there, but eventually she replied, “Yes.”

He nodded before turning to me and smiling. “Now, as for you.”

I didn’t feel like playing ball.  All I wanted was a cigarette and for David to lean a little closer to the bars so I could break his nose.

“Oh, you’re acknowledging me now?” I gasped, throwing a dainty hand over my heart. “But you’ve wounded me so already.”

“You are not as funny as you think,” he replied with a roll of his eyes.

“Lies and slander, bitch!  In case you haven’t realized, your opinion means next to nothing to me.  Unless you want to write it on down on some toilet paper.  I could find some uses for it, then.” I gave a helpless shrug before continuing, “Seriously, I heard you used to be quite the joker, but you’re dryer than Storm Wing.  Do you realize how dry that is?  You could parch a jellyfish at fifty paces, man.”

His response was as cold as ice and did a damn good job of giving me the chills.

“I am told that I become quite cold when those I care about are put into harm’s way,” he uttered.

That brought my nonsense to a halt.  I regarded him with uncertainty and curiosity.  After a moment, though, I gave a single nod, frowning contemplatively.

“I can relate.”

He raised his eyebrows, as though he weren’t expecting such a serious, straightforward answer.

Which is kinda unfair if you ask me!  I mean, come on!  Is it really so damned shocking when I show my serious side?

“Then perhaps we are not so different after all,” he replied in a slightly warmer manner.

Damn it, Winter Sky, why do you ALWAYS have to be so right about everything?!

He turned to leave, Azure Flora right with him.  Just before he started walking though, he glanced back at me.

“Do you remember the last thing I said to you at the aftermath of the battle?” he asked. “What the Equestrians have come to refer to as The Battle of Shadows?”

It took me a moment to get it, but it wasn’t difficult.  I only heard it half a dozen times that day.

“Sure do,” I answered before turning back for my bed and unceremoniously falling back on it. “Why?”

“I think the answer is obvious enough.  Get some rest.” He started walking, leaving me behind. “I’ll be sending Flora or Trixie to come fetch you before long.”

I didn’t respond beyond a short affirmative grunt.  My mind was already busy racing, worrying about Applebloom.  The way Flora had talked about losing her magic made me fear for the little filly.  She didn’t make it sound like a pleasant experience.  Sure, she would be immune to magic, and yeah, she might become immortal.  But if Azure Flora was right, she was never going to get her cutie-mark.  Hell, she’d have to make some enslaving Pact with David just to feed herself (unless, y’know… she wanted to get a puppy bowl or something).

“Flora.” I heard David’s voice  in the distance.

I sat up just a bit to see Flora still gazing fearfully into Applebloom’s cell.

“Look a little familiar?” I called out to her.

She snapped her head towards me and almost glared.  Yeah, it was somewhat a douchebag move to take that cheap shot.  She’ll live.  Besides, I was suffering from a lack of cigarettes and somepony needed to take the abuse.

“Don’t let him control you like that.” I laid back down, staring at the ceiling. “We have a saying where I come from.  Treat others the way you would want to be treated.  Wouldn’t it have been nice if someone had saved you from your fate?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replied and turned to leave without another word on the subject. “Do as David said and get some rest.  You may end up needing it.”

“Right,” I sighed.

And with that, I caught me some Z’s.  My body wasn’t tired, but my mind was already exhausted.

* * *

In theory, when I take a nap, it’s to get some rest.  That’s all.  I’m not asking for the moon or anything (Especially since I’m already dating her), I just want to recharge my proverbial batteries.  But really, when one’s naps are consistently interrupted, one must ask oneself a simple question.

Why bother?

“Firewall!” Applebloom’s terrified shriek shook me awake.

“Naps,” I replied without thinking. “They are forbidden in Equestria.”

Seriously, how does Rainbow Dash manage to catch naps?  I’d have to wrangle the secret out of her later.

“Firewall, lis-cough-cough-… listen!” she cried out.

I’m not sure how it took Applebloom screaming at me to get me awake.  It did, though, despite the fact that somepony was making quite a racket.

 “What is that?” Bloom asked fearfully before falling into a hacking fit.

My head was pounding.  It had been at least twelve hours (if not more) since my last cigarette.  My mood was not exactly sparkling.  Still, I was awake and whatever was making all that noise was going to keep me from going back to sleep.

So I listened.  It sounded like… crying.  But there was only one pony here besides both Applebloom and myself.

“Hey, Bloom.  Are you absolutely certain that isn’t you?” I asked pointlessly.  I mean, the alternative just didn’t compute.

“I think I would -cough- know if it were me!” she protested the accusation.

“Then let me lay your fears to rest by informing you that the sound you are hearing is the traumatizing melody of someone crying in their sleep.” I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose.

Crying and crying in your sleep do not sound the same.  Especially in front of other people.  When you cry normally, you’ll scream, cough, cover your face with your hands… Basically muck it up with natural reactions that come along with crying.  Crying in your sleep, on the other hand, sounds a lot different.  It normally involves a lot of moaning, whimpering, and generally sounds rather consistent.  It’s actually quite… Frightening having to listen to a person cry in their sleep.

If you’re wondering how I know these things, it’s actually from when my sister passed away when I was younger.  Before I could really understand what it meant to lose family.  Mom did a lot of crying.  Even in her sleep.  I didn’t get much rest when it happened, and listening to it again, even from The Nightmare… well, it wasn’t improving my mood, that much was certain.  Sometimes, nostalgia is really unpleasant.

“Just try to get to sleep.”

“But why’s -cough- she cryin’?”

“Hell if I know,” I muttered under my breath, “Probably because David’s doing something to her.”

“Is she gonna be okay?” she asked haltingly.

 Oh, the wonderful innocence of a child.  The Nightmare was the scariest thing she’d ever heard of and yet she still felt concern for its well being.  She must be special.  Lord knows I’ve never spared a thought for the Boogieman while I was growing up.  Ain’t that something?

“Yeah, she’s just going to need some time.  Don’t disturb her, just try to ignore it,” I offered with a long, irritated yawn.  Needed that cigarette.

“But she’s…”

“Applebloom,” I interrupted, forcing myself to not take my painful nic-fit out on her. “Let it go.  She’ll stop soon enough.  Just get some sleep.  Please.”

“A-Alright,” she stammered with a pair of girly coughs.

No, she didn’t stop any time soon after that.  No, I didn’t get to sleep until at least four hours later.  And no, I didn’t get a cigarette to improve my mood/headache.

Captivity sucks.

* * *

Have I ever mentioned that I hate waking up abruptly?

“Wake up, FireWALL!” Trixie shook me awake with a yell, placing a lot of irritated emphasis on the third syllable.

Even through all the headache and irritation, through all the sleepy haze and disorientation, I snorted out a surprised laugh.  That was funny.

“I missed you, Trixie.” I rolled out of bed and onto my feet.  The headache was a tad worse at this point, but after a while, the pain just becomes white noise.  This wasn’t the first time that I had tried quitting cigarettes.

It was the first time I didn’t get a choice in the matter though.

“Everypony misses Trixie,” she said so simply, as though it were a fact of nature that was taught to every schoolcolt and filly for generations past and for generations to come.

“True enough, I suppose,” I mused as I sat down in front of her, nodding at the wall to my right. “Is Applebloom okay?”

Trixie yawned softly with a nod, “Master David gave me plenty of medicine and precise instructions on how to use it.  She’s sleeping just fine now.”

I returned a nod of my own, feeling significantly more relaxed, “Good.  That’s good.  Do you think it’s that…”

Trixie interrupted me, anticipating my question.

“I’m not a doctor, Firewall,” she shook her head, holding a hoof out to stop me midsentence. “As amazing as I am, there are limits to even the vaunted power and intellect of The Great and Powerful Trixie.”

I paused, giving her a pensive glance before continuing.

“I’m just asking if you think it is what I think it is,” I stated with a shrug, walking over to the entrance to my cell and sitting down cross-legged.  Bad grammar!

Trixie’s reply wasn’t immediate.  In fact, it took quite a few seconds for her to muster up the nerve to reply.  As though she didn’t want to tell me.  There could be several reasons for that, but few of them were good.

“There’s no telling,” she gave a sigh, “From… from what I heard, it’s… There’s a lot of signs that correlate toward what Flora had and what the filly has.  But there is just no telling for certain.  If that is the case, then it’s happening so much faster and… Well, why and how could that be?”

I grunted my assent to that argument.  I need to get my mind off the headache and worry, lest they start fueling one another, I told myself.  So I tried to think of other things.  Luckily, Trixie brought up the best possible thing to get my mind off of Applebloom.

“Humans don’t have a lot of fur,” she commented offhoof, staring at me suspiciously, “Is that why you constantly wear clothing?  It must be cold.”

“Oh hell,” I facepalmed, realizing where this was coming from, “You were the pony that dressed me.”

I’m pretty sure I was turning redder than the blood in my veins.  Not that I had a mirror or anything.  I was just… A pony saw me naked, okay?  It’s not something you just shrug off!

“Well, of course.  David said you might get sick if I put you here without clothing, so naturally somepony had to do it.” Trixie placed a hoof on her chest, as though proud of herself for the deed. “You are quite welcome.  I believe gratitude is in order.”

“Yeah,” I remarked with a snicker, my face still stuffed into my hand, “I’m grateful.  And uh… Thanks!  Listen, uh… You didn’t… Do an-… Y’know what?  No, it’s better if I never find out.”

From my peripheral sight alone I was able to notice Trixie’s face twist with doubt.

“Why?  What’s the matter?” She tilted her head, somewhat concerned.

“Nothing,” I answered without hesitation.

“Are you ashamed of your color?” She tilted her head the other way, “Because truly, I’ve never seen a pony with such a unique color.  Most ponies would be jealous of a peach colored coat.”

“Oh my God, Trixie, I hope to hell you are talking about my skin color.” I was blushing so hard that I was starting to sweat from it.  I can’t even remember the last time I blushed like this.  Maybe when I got pantsed in front of my entire school in the fourth grade.

“Naturally,” she sniffed, “What did you think I meant?”

“Nothing!” I cried, pulling my hand down far enough to look right at her. “It’s a human thing and it’s very difficult to talk about, much less explain.”

Before she could press the subject further, the door swung open and Flora’s sweet voice rang out.

“Trixie, you’re not supposed to be talking to the human.  No one is.” Her mood suggested she was more fearful for Trixie’s sake than she was chastising her.

Trixie did a valley girl hair whip and scoffed, “David has placed me in charge of nursing the child.”

Not the best choice of words, I suppose…  Ack, visuals!

“That doesn’t include making small talk with Firewall,” Flora replied as she walked into veiw, her voice almost begging. “I just don’t want to see you fall into David’s bad favor.”

Trixie did pale a tad at the mention of such an event, but quickly laughed it off with her trademark hubris.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie has no reason to fear,” she cried with a haughty laugh, “David has always allowed Trixie leniency for being his right-hoof pony!  And rightfully so!”

Judging by the way in which Azure Flora subtly gagged, I was willing to gamble that Trixie was likely fooling herself.  Big time.  She started to look my way, but quickly averted her gaze when she realized I was already staring right at her.

Apparently, there’s just something wrong about me to that pony.

“Well, just to be on the safe side, I will avoid mentioning it to David.  Please, you know he’s been getting less and less patient with us,” Flora offered, trying to appeal to Trixie’s indulgent side. “I don’t want you to end up like Cookie.”

“What’s happened to Cookie?” I stopped their conversation with a very blunt and commanding tone.

I think Trixie was actually about to answer me, but Flora was quick to nudge her.  Trixie cut her a glare, but consented to silence when Flora shook her heard just barely.

“Look... whatever, guys.   I’m just concerned,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “What’s it going to hurt?  I mean, David isn’t hurting Cookie, right?”

They both remained silent, both finding convenient excuses to suddenly look away at different matters of interest.

I blinked in shock before I let the implications settle in, “Okay, girls.  It’s story time.  If you don’t tell me, I’m going to assume the worst.  And if I assume the worst, I’m not going to be a very cooperative prisoner.  Now… is Cookie even alive?  You both look like you watched David butcher him or something.”

“David would never!” Trixie snapped instantly, “He’s just been changed so that he could handle different duties!”

Flora looked a bit frustrated, shutting her eyes and sighing loudly, “Trixie.  Please, stop talking.”

“But I…”

“Trixie.” Her voice was much louder and tempered with unyielding steel.  Very out of the blue, and Trixie seemed to think as much, too.

“Do not concern yourself, Firewall.  Cookie is neither hurt, nor in danger.  However, his position is not an enviable one.” Flora looked back at me with a sigh. “He’s not very happy, in all likelihood, but there’s nothing anypony can do to help him with that.”

I stared at her.  Hard.  Gave her my equivalent of the Pinkie Pie Soul Stare.  She didn’t buckle, though.  She stared right back, her eyes half-lidded and colored unimpressed.

“Now, if you would be so kind,” she continued to speak as plainly as possible, “Hold out your wrists.  David would like to see you now.”

I contemplated telling her where David could go shove it, but causing problems now wasn’t going to solve anything and would likely make my situation a great deal less comfortable.  So I held out my hands and rolled my eyes once a pair of manacles appeared around them made entirely of Inmanipulon.

“Great,” I murmured irritably.  I’m not certain where she got the concept of manacles.  I mean, would those even stay attached to ponies?  I mean, I just don’t make a habit of thinking of ponies and bondage.  Whatever.

“Please, do not try to escape or cause problems,” she said as the bars to my cage slowly turned to dust.

“Well, I was gonna,” I replied with a chuckle, “But then you asked so nicely.”

Trixie snickered despite herself before earning a glare from Flora.  She blanched a tad and decided to distract Azure Flora with the first thing she could think of.

“The filly isn’t getting any better, Flora,” she pointed out, “Perhaps you should leave with Fireball or Firewall or whatever his name is and let me get back to work.”

Flora cantered over to look in on the filly before nodding reluctantly.  I took the opportunity to check as well and found Applebloom to be in a cell very similar to my own.  The only big difference was instead of some wiseass with a nicotine addiction occupying the cell, there was a little yellow pony curled up on the bed, wrapped up in the sheets and covers as though it were thirty below zero.  I bit my lip as my heartstrings received a rough tugging.  Applebloom didn’t deserve to be caught up in all this.

“She’ll be alright,” Azure Flora said.  She was talking to me; of this I had no doubt.  But it wasn’t me she was trying to comfort.

“Mmm,” I grunted neutrally before looking down at her, “Sure.  Let’s go see your boss.”

And without another wasted word, we left.  She guided me out of the brig, prison, jail, whatever you want to call it and into the ever twisting halls.  I kept track of the layout as I walked, doing my damndest to memorize every turn and every step.  I’m fairly certain I had it all pretty well lined out, but with my memory there was just no telling for sure.  I glanced down at Azure Flora and frowned contemplatively at her expression.  She was thinking about something.  Something that was conflicting with something else, if I had to guess.  The way she was glaring and letting her eyes dart from side to side told me she wasn’t looking at anything but that her mind was still racing.  I’m fairly certain I knew what it was.  Hint:  It had something to do with fruit and flowers.

“What’s eatin’ ya?” I asked as I kept my eyes forward, walking alongside her peaceably.

I watched her look up at me out of the corner of my eye.  She deemed it unnecessary to willingly share her plight so I took a rather educated guess after she remained silent.

“It’s Applebloom, isn’t it.” I made it obvious that I wasn’t asking for anything but a confirmation. “Does that, perhaps, bring a few memories back?  She’s starting to succumb to the Inmanipulon.”

She stopped, causing me to pause as well after a few more steps.  I slowly looked back at her, keeping a passive, nonjudgmental visage as I did.

“It’s far too quick to be that.  She’s hasn’t even been here a full two days,” she replied, her voice full of conviction, “It took me nearly two weeks before I started to become ill from the absence of magic.”

“So they are the same symptoms,” I confirmed with an apprehensive nod, turning to face her more fully, “You know, back where I come from, there are doctors that specialize in just the treatment of children.  Do you know why?”

She glanced away for but a moment, as though she didn’t want to know the answer.  I didn’t give her an option, though.  I mean, this was Applebloom on the line:  I wasn’t going to pull punches just to make some ancient earth pony feel better.

“Because kids have bad immune systems.  Meaning they get sick a lot more easily than an adult.  Their bodies can’t take the punishment and abuse that life gives out.  Luckily, they have things like parents to tend to them when this sorta stuff happens.” I gave a helpless shrug. “But hey, ponies may work differently, right?  I mean, let’s look on the bright side!  If we’re wrong, she’ll get to live forever, right?  Not so bad, eh?”

It was like picking out the nostalgic pain button and, rather than just pressing it, I was kicking the sucker in one side and right out the other.  The way her eyes dilated was screaming fear for the little filly.  Yeah, it was cheap of me to exploit such a harrowing experience, but uh... try asking me if I gave a damn.  (Spoiler Alert:  I didn’t!)

“At least she’s young enough that she doesn’t even have her Cutie Mark.” I smirked deviously at her.  By now, she no doubt knew that I was purposefully terrorizing her, but when it’s true, that just makes it even worse. “She won’t even have to worry about missing her special talent;  She’ll just never discover it.”

She finally let her eyes meet mine and I held her gaze for but a few moments before letting the smirk fade away.  Let me remind you guys, I don’t look like a nice guy.  I really do have a tendency to look intimidating when I’m not smiling.  I mean, yeah, I’m totally the biggest marshmallow and stuff, but I don’t look the part.

And sometimes, that comes in really handy.

With my eyes cutting right through her, I drove in the final point, hissing through my teeth. “It’ll be like she was never special at all.  Won’t that just be @#%$ing great, Flora?”

“Enough!” she cried and turned away from me as she shut her eyes, the memories of a thousand years ago no doubt oozing to the top of her mind’s eye, “Enough... I... What do you want from me?  There’s nothing I can do, Firewall.”

We’ll chalk that up as a psychological victory for Equestria’s most awesome brony.  Okay, maybe not THE most awesome, but in the words of Tim Curry, I’m quite up there!

“That’s not true and you know it.  Applebloom doesn’t need this to happen to her, Flora.” I shook my head, softening my gaze. “I don’t know what David has in store for me up ahead, but that’s not what worries me.  I just don’t want to see Applebloom hurt.  She’s innocent and doesn’t even know where this place is.  At least you were an adult and had some understanding.  Just listening to The Nightmare last night terrified her; what do you think this is going to do to her?”

“So?” She slowly dared to look back at me, her curiosity getting the better of her. “You never answered my question.”

“You need to beg David to let her go.” I shrugged. “I mean, I don’t think anyone here is actually evil, but... just try and help me convince him?  For her.  Would you put that little girl through what you experienced?”

It took her a moment to finally respond, but eventually she lowered her eyes and murmured guiltily, “No.”

“Then help me convince him that she’s harmless,” I begged of her, walking up and kneeling before her. “There’s no reason she should have to suffer so terribly for just a stroke of bad luck.  She’s just a kid.  She doesn’t need to be kept here.”

She didn’t answer.  She simply lifted her eyes to stare up into mine once more before walking along.  I didn’t get mad and start pressing for a confirmation, though.  That would have been stupid.  No, I planted that seed in her mind and I knew that she would not be sleeping soundly that night.  All I had to do after that was to let it grow, twist my mustache, and laugh as I stroked my pet cat.

Sometimes, I wonder if I shouldn’t have been a super villain instead.  I’d put a self-destruct button on my doomsday machine and everything.

By that point I had completely forgotten everything about the turns and the path I had taken.  I mean, I don’t think I would have been able to keep it all straight anyway.  It was all rough rock surfaces and such.  Seriously, it all looked the same.  If you painted it purple, you might have thought the Covenant from Halo designed it or something.  Holy repetitive scenery, Batman!

Anywho, after being led through plenty more twisting tunnels, we finally got to where I figured I was meeting David (simply because it was the only room I had been in that looked civilized).  It was still carved from the same dark grey rock, but it was polished smoothly in what I could only describe as similar to an old Roman cathedral.  Complete with a big philosophic painting on an extremely elevated roof.  In the center of this huge octagonal room which was ringed with big impressive statues of historic human figures (none of which I recognized), was David.  

He was sitting at a table with an empty plate in front of him, reading a small book.  It was no bigger than one of those tiny New Testament Only Bibles, but it comprised nearly entirely of a white (No, not silver) metal, save for the pages it held.

“David,” Azure Flora spoke up, garnering his attention.  When he saw me, he began to smile before frowning as though he were confused.

My reaction?  “Is there something on my face?”

“No.” He shook his head before explaining, “You just... look rather rough.”

“This may come as a shock, genius,” I snapped with a roll of my eyes, the nic-fit souring my already foul mood, “but I’ve not had a shower or shave since you brought me here.”

“Indeed,” he replied with a soft nod, “Release him, Flora.”

I snorted aloud as the weight from my hands lessened considerably.  As the Inmanipulon bindings dissolved and retreated back to Flora’s saddlebags, I felt the cool air of the underground prison vanish almost instantly.  Then I felt it all return.  Every ounce of magic that I had been missing surged back through me, no longer suppressed.

Every ounce, and more.

I was practically breathing the stuff.  Everything The Nightmare had been packing as well as the firepower (no pun intended) I had been gunning with from the start.  My confusion was only short-lived, as my common sense merely put two and two together.  David had used me as a sort of trap to cripple and distract The Nightmare and take away its power, after all.  I guess all that power had to go somewhere.  I must have been the only choice at the time.

Too bad for him I had every intention of shoving it down his throat, eh?

Without a moment to reconsider, I yelled out the hottest blaze I had ever managed on my own.  My ears popped from how violently the air pressure fluctuated.  I was so surprised that I cut it short without thinking, wrought with disbelief.

Without so much as an outward reaction from David, the small metal tome suddenly leaped up and created a small blue whirlwind of energy.  There was an echoing ring as the fire breath smashed into the book, but as quickly as the flame had been created, it vanished within the vortex.

… Felt a smidge anticlimactic at the moment.

I began to inhale for a more dedicated attempt, but I was promptly cut off by a hostage situation.

With a quick motion, he pulled out his defense and I immediately paused.  No, he didn’t use Applebloom.  He used something almost as bad.

He had my goddamn cigarettes.

“Ah-ah.” David took hold of the superbook-thingy and closed it with a loud snap. “I didn’t bring you here to fight.  Just thought you might want to know a little more about what’s going on.  Truce?”

I hesitated.  Lafter didn’t really feel an incredibly strong desire to hear what he had to say, but Stoic, on the other hand, pounced on the opportunity to gain some valuable insight on this guy.

Also, cigarettes.

“Fine,” I growled angrily.

Unintentionally or not, David would be giving me knowledge about him that I could likely end up using against him.  That said, Lafter got stuffed into a box and I solidified my acceptance to David by levitating the cigarettes out of his hand and float them my way.

Sweet, sweet nicotine.  How I had missed you.

“Well,” I growled as I lit up, instantly feeling lots of calm, patience, and general zen settle in, “I think it’s time you and I had that chat.”

He smirked, catching the reference before silently acknowledging the unspoken last word and obliging, “Flora, thank you for fetching him, but I need to speak with our guest in private.”

Flora didn’t seem to mind, judging by the noncommittal nod she gave.  After turning and trotting out, the entrance shrank until it closed itself as though it were growing rocks to seal up a wound.  With that, I pocketed my smokes and walked over to the table, magically pulling back one of the chairs as I flopped down into it.

“So, I imagine you have plenty of questions.” David lifted his hand and performed what looked like a Jedi Mind Trick accompanied by an azure flash of light.  I almost wanted make a Star Wars reference.  But rather than spout nonsense about not needing to see identification, the motion created an empty plate appeared in front of me. “But I shall have the first one.  What would you like to eat?”

I played along.  May have had partly to do with the insatiable curiosity, may have had something to do with me wanting to get information, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the growling in my stomach, nosireebob.

“Frosted Flakes.  Big bowl.  Whole Milk from Turner.  They don’t use growth hormones.  Also, if I could get a spoon with Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark on the handle, that would be awesome.” To my credit, I was stone faced through that whole thing.  I know, I couldn’t believe it either.

He blinked, not expecting that in the least, opening his mouth to comment before promptly shutting it.  Score one for myself!  Still, he kept his word and one wavey-wave-flashy-flash of the hand later and I got my wish, complete with spoon.  Magic rocks!

“Awesome sauce,” I murmured before nudging it to the side, taking another drag off my cigarette, “But it’ll keep until I finish my cigarette.  So now I ask you a question:  I think this one is obvious.  I still have my powers.  How and why?”

“You remember I told The Nightmare that your Equestrian body was a trap?” He asked me with a smirk, continuing after I nodded, “Well, that wasn’t a lie.  You see, I erred, I think.  I don’t know what went wrong during her creation, but something certainly did go wrong.  She was going to be my Equestrian Vanguard.  My protector of this land.  And now she is its greatest threat.  Or was, anyway.  Before she finally merged with you.  I was starting to fear that it would never happen.  Luckily, the plan worked and you weren’t able to keep her out this time.”

I nodded soberly, acting as though it made sense when it in fact made none at all. “Right.  So, next obvious question... Why me?”

“The human was her idea, actually.”  

Surprised?  Yeah, so was I.  

He clarified on that, thankfully: “Well, not entirely her idea.  See, you can’t imbue an empty body with that sort of power, that just isn’t how things work.  It needed consciousness.  It needed life.  So when I created the body, she said she wanted a human to take control of the body because humans were aggressive.

“She didn’t completely trust me when I promised her I would be able to separate the host from its body after she inhabited it, so she wanted a host with the potential for violence.  Hence, you.  I don’t think she counted on snagging a brony, though.”

I scrunched my face in confusion, “She said she purposefully chose me!”

“Hah!” David snorted, facepalming in an amused sort of way. “And you believed her?”

You know, as much as it pissed me off, I kinda had to give him that one.  I mean, it was The Nightmare.  It was a deceitful floaty cloud thing.  Why I bought anything that came out of her... gaseous mouth... thing... was beyond me.

“Well, whatever.  So... What, you used me and the pony body as a trap to snag her and do what?”

“Take away her powers, of course.” He began to stare at his plate through his glasses as though deciding what he should put on it,  “See, I don’t want to hurt Equestria; I’m just trying to get it back on the path that I started it out on.  It desperat-...”

“Woah!” I narrowed my eyes as I cut him off. “The path you started it out on?”

“We’ll come back to that; one subject at a time,” he promised me before waving his hand and poofing a plateful of --if you could believe it-- vegetable Lo Mein. “So anyway, the basic plan was to create a tempting body for her to inhabit, and to use it as a trap to steal away her power so that I could help fix her.  I’m certain you’ve noticed how unstable she is.”

“Fix her.” I flicked my cigarette, not exactly caring enough about David’s pad to dispose of it properly. “So I take it you weren’t able to destroy her.”

David looked up from his plate as he stuck a fork into it and began to twist it (I know, he didn’t even use chopsticks.  Le sigh.).  He stared at me for several moments as though analyzing what I had said before giving his reply.

“I take it you’re not a father where you come from.” He looked back down at his food, his brow arching a tad. “Perhaps it is a short-coming on my part, but... no, I could not take the life that I gave her.  But even if I had tried, it is quite possible that she would have won.

Besides, she deserves a better chance at life.  Especially since I did not do right by her the first time.  Crazy though she is, I am the one to blame for her state.  I will see her stable and able to live a happy life.  As her originator, it is the least I can do.”

I started to say something about how there are a lot better ways to go about his plan, but I held it in check.  After shrugging, I thought about how The Nightmare had suffered in her sleep and began to wonder if David knew about that.  He certainly wasn’t omniscient, that much was certain.  As I began to pay attention again, I realized David hadn’t stopped talking.

“... and I’ve already done some work on her and I’m certain all will be well bef-...”

“You know that part when you brought her back and she was unconscious?  Well, about... oh, less than an hour after Azure Flora, she began to cry.  And she didn’t stop.  She spent the next several hours crying in her sleep, David,” I murmured, pulling my bowl of cereal in front of me as I interrupted him. “I can prove witness to it since... Well, I found it pretty hard to sleep.”

He froze somewhat, staring at nothing as he sought out his reply. “That’s... expected.  It will be a difficult process, to start.”

“Right, and I’m not meaning to flip the table here, but uhh...” I crunched into a bite of sweetened corn before continuing, “I’m betting things get worse before they get better.”

He set his fork down and glanced up, his ire starting to surface but still held in check. “And what would you have me do, Stephen?”

Sheeeeyiiit.  My real name.  Yeah, there it is.  Enjoy.

“Don’t look at me,” I scoffed, taking another bite before chuckling sadly. “I’m not the one playing God here.  I don’t have these crazy stupid ambitions.  Hell, I’m the kinda guy that would turn down a ticket to immortality.”

“You seem quick enough to implicate my damnation,” he spoke softly, keeping his irritation in check, “so I can only assume you’ve a suggestion.”

“Well, the first thing I wouldn’t do is drag an innocent little filly into this mess.” I rolled my eyes as I struggled not to furiously scream my words at him.  However, with my focus aimed towards staying as civil as possible, my words decided to bathe themselves in sarcasm rather than anger.

I don’t think it helped.

“Then, I wouldn’t have gone behind Celestia and Luna’s back trying to fix my @$%# ups discreetly.  And finally, I wouldn’t have started enslaving ponies to my will in exchange for their fondest wishes.”

“Well, seeing as all of that has been done, what would you do now?” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Would you try to fix it?”

“Fix what?  What’s there to fix?” I set my spoon down and facepalmed into my left hand. “David, you want the quickest solution?  Release me, Applebloom and the Pact Ponies, take your lovely daughter-slash-psycho, and beat it.  You’ve obviously worn out your welcome, so I don’t see why you’re sticking around.  One of you obviously has the power to travel between dimensions or realities or whatnot.  Why not leave and start fresh somewhere else?”

“Because I’m not done here,” he growled, reaching back into his pocket for the little white metal book.

I shook my head. “Whatever.  Play around with more shit, then.  Make things worse.  I mean, things are almost back to being pleasant and --good heavens-- we obviously can’t have that.  We just wouldn’t know how to act.”

“You misunderstand.” He opened up the small metal tome and laid it on the table.  From it, blue light poured out and swirled just a foot above it before coalescing into a three dimensional geography map.  It was a flat piece of land with a small blue sun shining over it and a moon floating from underneath it.  “I’m not done... Here.”

As though his word were the command trigger, the map expanded.   It was almost like falling, zooming in so quickly as the map swelled in size to fill the entire room with us inside.  The blue lights continued to redefine themselves and take more specific shapes, such as clouds, cities, forests, and mountains.  It had been a while since magic had freaked me out, but this had reminded me just how crazy the metaphysical could get.  Still, I liked it.

It took me a little while to realize this was Equestria, but the next part was what fragged my mind.  The part where I discovered it was a country and not an entire world.

Now, that may not seem that mind blowing on its own.  But get this:  It was nothing but a country.

Nothing but a flat piece of land with a line of water around it.  There were no borders.  It was just a free-floating nation that had a pair of celestial objects revolving around it.  The entire concept was so incomplete, it was like taking the Big Book of Science and throwing it out the window into a tub of acid after setting it on fire.  I looked around in awe for several minutes, getting up to closely examine certain details.  It took me a bit of deductive work with landmarks to eventually find Ponyville and Canterlot, but when I did, I turned back to David and shook my head in wonder.

“Tell me this doesn’t mean what I think it means,” I murmured lowly, a bit of sadness seeping inside as my suspicions began to line themselves up.

“If you think it means that Equestria was created by myself, then I regret to confirm your fears.” He kept his eyes level with mine, stoic and unmoving. “However, if you are afraid that this has been, in some way, fake or fabricated, then I can assuage your doubts and promise you that Equestria and every living thing inside of it are as real as Earth and all its inhabitants.  You haven’t been living a lie, Stephen.”

I let out a relieved sigh so slowly that I almost stopped breathing.  He smiled a bit at my reaction before tapping the small tome, causing the world begin to explode into motion.  The sun and moon spun rapidly around us, though it took me a moment to notice that they were going backwards.  I watched as tiny cities deconstructed themselves, forests replant after the towns stopped existing and once tamed lands become as wild and rugged as they had been before civilization existed.

“I didn’t have much to go on,” he admitted with a laugh, “but I tried to do my best to work with what I did have.  A little over twelve hours of content wasn’t much, but I did some guess work.  However, even with those guidelines, I failed to keep everything in line with its origins.  It took a while, a few thousand years outside the natural flow of time to be sure.  The hardest part was The Elements of Harmony.  Luna and Celestia weren’t easy either, but after that, it was mostly downhill.  And quite enjoyable.”

“You created all of this,” I spoke softly, letting it all set in. “You’re not even human, are you?”

He pulled the book off the table and closed it, causing the illusion to vanish with an audible rushing sound.  He ignored my question, and then proceeded with his explanation, “The next big obstacles were filling in the unanswered questions.  The pony physiology, their ability to pick things up with one hoof, placing a sun that revolves around Equestria instead of the other way around.  All things I’ve had to improvise with and while it’s come very far, I’m still not done.  This world, while beautiful, living, and wonderful, is incomplete.  As laughable as it may seem, it will eventually outgrow its given boundaries and could run the risk of destroying itself.  However, while that danger may not be realized for many years, it is in peril of an entirely different kind.  And since I created this world, I am responsible for it.  I admit my methods seem suspect, but they have the best of intentions only.

I snorted mirthfully.

“How ironic,” I murmured softly enough that David didn’t hear me.  He did, however, catch the laugh.

“You doubt me?” He sounded pretty surprised.

I laughed again before throwing my shoulders up in helplessness. “No, mate.  I don’t doubt your good intentions.  But I’m starting to put it together.  And it’s mildly irritating.”

I pushed my chair back and started to pick up my bowl of cereal before frowning at how it sloshed around.  That’s when I tried the summoning spell and smiled as a large ceramic cup appeared.  It didn’t drain me nearly as much as it normally would have, and I know who I had to thank for that (Luv ya lots, Nightmare!).  I paused long enough to transfer the milk and cereal to the cup and began pacing around with the cup in hand, eating my cereal from the more secure container.

“So paint this with me.  Let me know if I get anything wrong,” I said between bites, staring at the walls before me as I paced, “Let’s not speculate on how you are able to create a world, let’s not even bother with the why just yet.  Let’s just start from, ‘You did this’ and move forward.  So you made Equestria.  This your first attempt?”

“Sadly, it is not.” He shook his head with a frown as he finally began to dine. “The first was just Ponyville and its inhabitants.  They quickly began to panic upon discovering there was nothing beyond the roads leaving the town and I had to start over, this time expanding their world to Canterlot, Cloudsdale, Appleloosa, and offer some room for expansion.”

“And again you were frustrated by failure.” David wasn’t as cool as the Architect of The Matrix, but at least he didn’t look like Colonel Sanders. “Same problem?”

“Not quite,” he admitted with a sigh, “The problem this time was that... I didn’t... create truly living beings.  They were practically soulless.  The first attempt didn’t show this problem right away, but I imagine that it would have, given enough time.”

I looked back at him, scowling in curiosity as I munched on more dairy, sugar, and corn.

“They didn’t develop.” He scowled back, as though just as puzzled as I was, “At all.  They didn’t learn.  They didn’t explore.  They didn’t grow.  They weren’t truly alive.  Practically nothing more than mere robots acting out a programming.”

“So you scrapped it again.” I paused before my next bite, glancing sideways at him. “What if you were wrong?”

“I assure you, Stephen.  I was not.  I gave them a century of false time to make any sort of progress.  There was none.  For over thirty-five thousand days they repeated the exact same sequence of actions.  They would alter their actions as I changed their surroundings, but their lives would quickly fall back into meaningless patterns.” He sounded pretty sure.  Actually, he sounded entirely sure.  As though he had tried over and over to make it work and it just didn’t happen.  Immortals.

“And now?” I turned to face him, still holding a half-full cup of cereal.

He chewed on a bite of noodles for a second before nodding and replying, “And now I’ve done it.  I’ve created a living, thriving world with living, thriving creatures that live generally happy lives.  Though, it didn’t start that way.  When I entered the world to get a more personal view of it, I quickly learned that animated beings and reality have troubles mixing properly.”

“Uh-huh.” My voice may have been calm, but I found my grasp tightening on the glass as he confirmed my suspicions. “You succeeded in creating a living, breathing world, yet flawed world.  And hey, since you were pretentious and presumptuous enough to create life, why not tug at the strings from the shadows and see if you can line it up a little more with your vision?”

David’s pause was enough.  When he lifted his eyes to mine, I knew I had the right of it.  And I was very... very angry.  I shut my eyes as I tried to remain serene but when I opened them again to look at David, I realized that there was no quelling the anger that was quickly bubbling in me.

“Let me see if I can’t line it out,” I spat acidly before going back into a pacing motion, “You created the living, breathing world you always wanted.  Everything from plants and animals to predators and less-savory races.  Then when your ponies started to experience the rigors of a painful reality, you decided to start screwing around with the way things worked.  Sky Archons, that was you.  Oh, and Celestia’s memory spell?  Were you the one to put that bug in her ear as well?”

His expression hardened, but he didn’t reply immediately and I didn’t feel like waiting for him to justify his actions.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” The hand holding my ceramic cup was quivering with rage as I restrained my desire to enact violence upon David’s face.  I began to shake my head as I spoke, letting the story tell itself. “Created the Nightmare, but you botched that up.  Badly!  So you needed to a backup plan.  More Sky Archons... SHIT!”

It was coming to me all so quickly and all I could do was sling that stupid glass against the wall, shattering it in anger.

“You were the one that convinced Storm Wing to give up his life for your agenda!  You toyed with his mind!” I turned on him, my chest heaving with every infuriated breath. “Just like you did with Winter Sky’s at the ruins!  I bet he didn’t come willingly at all, either!  Jesus, you were the voice whispering to everyone!  Storm!  Sky!  Even Pinkie Pie back at the Battle of Shadows!”

David swallowed his food before glancing to the side.  He probably wasn’t enjoying this conversation anymore.  I couldn’t give less of a damn at the time and still couldn’t to this day.

“You’re sick!” I seethed, slowly making my way around the table to him.  I felt the blood burning in my veins, aching to get out, but I wasn’t done yet. “And just like you couldn’t come clean to your own creations and let them know how badly you suck at playing God, you decide to try and fix it all behind the scenes and it almost worked, didn’t it?  Until The Nightmare got loose again and you knew you were just waiting to see it all fall apart spectacularly!”

I was only a few feet from him at this point, still slowly getting nearer.  He met my glare with his own now, not backing down from the accusations or showing any outward signs of pain or regret.

“You could have just gone to Celestia and explained everything.” I snarled before suddenly grabbing him by his stupid sweater and lifting him out of his chair.  I’m guessing he knew he was at least guilty of these charges because he didn’t react other than glare and take it.  If he’s not going to defend himself, I said to myself, I’m going to take the opportunity to continue throwing it all in his face.  “You let a WAR happen in Equestria just to cover your mistakes.  Because for all that power you have, you’re still that weak!”

“It was not as though I left you all to die,” He stated quite plainly, still staring hard in my eyes, “I did help you at that battle.”

“How, David!?” I screamed in his face, shaking him vigorously, “How?!  You gave Twilight and the others powers to help us fight at the Battle of Shadows?!  You told Pinkie Pie where to find the Elements and get them to me during that last invasion?!  Was that your help!?  Was that your blessed grace!?  THERE SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN AN INVASION!  Don’t even try to make that case!  You even used it as a way to push more of the ponies into making a Pact with you!”

I shoved him hard, causing him to fall back onto the ground with little-to-no resistance.  I was having to force myself to not start kicking him uncontrollably.  Glaring down at him, I could feel my heartbeat pounding so hard that it was almost audible; like an infuriated thrumming in my ears.  He slowly sat up and looked at me with absolutely no emotional light in his eyes.  No shame, no fear, no arrogance.  He was just an empty shell.  He was definitely no human.  He had no heart.  Likely some immortal alien that had found a new way to occupy his time and damning the consequences.  Screaming at him would do nothing but tire myself out and give me a yet another headache.

It took me a few moments, but as David brought himself back to his feet, I brought myself back to a state of calm.  It was more than a little hard fought, but there it was.

“You ask me what I would have you do, David?” I pulled out a cigarette and stared at him as I lit it with a small tongue of fire in my hand. “I don’t care what you say, this world is better off without you.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my time here, David, it’s that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.  And you’ve given the devil enough to go on for miles.  My advice is quit while you’re ahead.”

I expected a lot of reactions out of him.  Anger, depression... I didn’t expect him to smile.  Expectations or not, though, smile is what he did.  He dusted himself off with that same calm ghost of a smirk that he had when I had first seen him.  I didn’t get it at the time, but I think I had given him the answer that he wanted.

“Very well, Stephen,” he said with a few nods, as if confirming something with himself, “You will get your wish.  You see, it’s actually been on my mind.  Should I stay or should I go, that is.”

He returned to his seat and continued to smirk back at me, resting his chin upon his propped fist.

“I knew after I captured The Nightmare that I would be sending you home,” he said with a dry laugh, “But I kept asking myself, ‘Is it truly best for me to stay?’  See, I’m not sure if the ponies will be safe without me once they start to push at the unseen boarders I’ve set for them.  However, at the same time, I can’t deny that very few things I have done have actually resulted in a better world for the Equestrians.”

I scowled in confusion.  Simple as that?  I didn’t think so.  Still, I don’t think there was anything my belief or doubt could have done to truly affect David.

“So, why would you send me back?” I shrugged plainly, “You think I’m hurting this place?”

“Stephen, you’re a human.  As golden as your heart may be, you have a dark side.  We just saw it.” He took his fork up and began to spin it in the noodles again, that same empty smile creeping onto his face. “Not to mention I’ve no clue what magic could do to you over time.  It could drive you insane, it could make you immortal, it could slowly poison you.  I’m just not taking the chance.”

I gave him a look like he was smoking crack through his nose.  It took him a few seconds to notice it, but he got around to spotting the incredulous answer to his statement.

“I take it you don’t share these concerns,” he said through a mouthful of noodle.

“I’ve been here over two months and have been spewing fire left and right.” I took the cigarette out of my mouth and held it out as proof of my statement before snagging another puff. “Not to mention I’m packing more magic now than ever.”

“Time makes all the difference,” he replied with a shrug. “Besides, you won’t retain that magic long enough for it to affect you.”

“Well, Applebloom’s succumbing to the Inmanipulon already, so I’m sorry if I don’t trust your time tables,” I snapped, taking a drag off the cigarette and glaring at him.  Ire was back on the rise!

He arched an eyebrow at me as though confused, “The wh-... Oh, right, the anti-magic.  Don’t let it concern you, she will be fine.  It merely induces lethargy in ponies and can make sleep a little difficult.  Her illness is a natural one, of this I have no doubt.  Now, as charming as this conversation has been, I think it’s time you went back to your cell.”

He pulled out the white book again and opened it up, tapping a page within.  It was like glancing to the side and seeing something completely different.  I didn’t blink or anything, I was simply right back in my cell.  No bright lights, no sound effects, just... back in the cage, bars already in their proper place.  David was on the other side, still giving me that damned smirk.  You’ve no idea how badly I wanted to slug it right off his face.  As he turned to leave, I ran to the bars and called out.

“One last question,” I tightly gripped the bars as he paused midstep.  I didn’t wait for him to look at me, I just asked, “If you were going to send me back to Earth and leave with The Nightmare... Why not just do it and get it over with?  What are you waiting for?”

He chuckled before dropping his face into a hand, letting it push his dark hair back over his ears before stubbornly falling back into place, “Took you a while to get to that one.  Suffice it to say, Stephen, everything takes time and preparation.  Don’t worry, though.  We won’t be waiting much longer.”

I was finally starting to fear the possibility of going back and sighed as I rested my head onto the bars of my cell.  I felt tears wanting to escape as I stared at my feet but I didn’t allow them.  Not entirely at least.

“I don’t want to leave, David.” I felt an ache in my chest that told me it was afraid of missing something.  I’ll give you a few guesses as to what it was and the only hint you get is ‘troll’.

I heard his feet shuffle as he likely turned back to look at me, utterly silent.  He approached me before snapping his fingers to get my attention, which I gave without really thinking.  He was studying me closely, but for whatever reasons, I couldn’t fathom at the time.  He then took a few steps past my cell to look at Applebloom and I could see him frown at what he saw.

“If I sent you back, would you spend the rest of your days pining over this world?  Would you even care about what was going on around you at that point?” Blunt question was blunt.  It was so blunt that I didn’t even answer it right away, prompting him to ask one more.

“Answer me, my heroic little human.  Would it have been better if you had never even come here?” he asked, moving back to stand in front of me again. “Or would you live your life back on Earth without regrets?”

I shook my head because the truth of the matter was that I had no idea.  A part of me would ache and suffer every day I spent away from Equestria, I knew.  Another part of me would be sensible and be happy for the time I had been allowed. For the rare opportunity that had been given to me that no one else had a chance of experiencing.  But the biggest part, I think, would be the heartbreak of losing Luna.  I looked down again as I felt dread settle into me.  To forever lose Luna would take a piece out of me that I would never get back.  Thoughts, fears, and regrets were already assaulting me, telling me that it would only get worse if I was sent to Earth.  Thoughts such as what was going to happen to everypony while I was gone.  Fears such as never again laughing until it hurt.  Regrets such as not telling Luna that I loved her back.

“David, don’t send me back,” I murmured, my fingers turning white from clenching the bars so tightly, “I’d... As pathetic as this sounds and I can’t believe I actually mean this... But... I would rather die.  I don’t want to leave.”

“I’m sorry, in that case.” His voice was actually somewhat apologetic. "Maybe if this world were complete.  Maybe if I could promise your safety.  Maybe if you weren’t such an unpredictable wildcard.  But it is not, and I cannot, and you are.  This is for the best, I promise you.”

I lifted my gaze to meet his one last time.  His eyes moved back and forth between mine, searching for something that he never found.  After a moment, he pulled his small white book back from his pocket and opened it long enough to tap one of the pages yet again.

“Keep the child warm.  Her heart rate is a little slow.  I’ll send Trixie with some more medicine.” He nodded at something behind me.  When I turned to look, I saw Applebloom lying on my bed, curled up beneath the covers and trembling gently. “I know you don’t have any reason to see me with anything but hate in your eyes.  Just keep in mind, I never wanted to hurt anyone.  Perhaps one day you will understand.  Should that happen, you will have my sympathies.”

What he was saying made no sense, but I was too distracted with Applebloom.  I sat down on the bed and with the utmost care, scooped her into my arms.  She was no bigger than an adult cat, really.  A bit heavier, but many times more adorable.  Not to mention she held a much bigger place in my heart than any pet I’d ever had.  She was as cold as her shivering made her out to be, though cradling her seemed to alleviate the worst of it.  She instinctively nestled closer as the shaking slowly abated, laying her head against my shoulder and sighing in what could have been interpreted as relief.  I turned my head to look at David and snap once more at him, but he wasn’t there.

“Damn it,” I whispered.  As if on cue, I heard the The Nightmare’s whimpering cries start up again. “Damn it all to hell.”

I sat crosslegged on the bed and leaned against the cold stone wall as I continued to cradle the poor filly in my arms.  I fell asleep after an hour or so of fighting off the anxiety.  Too bad I woke up feeling like I had never rested.

*  *  *

Time passed, and while Applebloom didn’t seem to be getting any worse, she wasn’t getting any better either.  Still, no new is good news?  Maybe not, but I helped console myself with that idiom.  Consoling, however, did not help pass the time.  The Nightmare wasn’t exactly a chatty Cathy and Applebloom was too fatigued to do much beyond wake up long enough to eat and smile gratefully at me when I continued to care for her.  She didn’t speak much, except for telling me that I was really warm and somewhat squishy.  That made very little sense, as I didn’t have much fat on me.  Still, that was kinda cool, I guess.

Luna must have been looking for me by then, no doubt.  Not that she would have a way to magically find me within an Inmanipulon cage.  She was worried sick, I’m sure.  Meaning she was probably going to beat me next chance she got.  Then troll me some.  Y’know, to make up for lost time and what have you.  She’s a sweetheart like that.

~SLAM!~

That was the sound of the door being bucked open and smacking against the wall as furious hoofstomps made their way inside.  They were followed by more hoofsteps and what was likely David’s feet.

“I’m sorry, Flora,” David’s voice wasn’t so serene for once.  Instead, it was firm and louder than normal, “but it’s too risky.”

The hoofing stopped for a moment as Azure Flora responded.

“Too risky for what, David!?  She’s a child!  Drain her memory and let her go!” Flora snapped defiantly.  She had quite the anger voice, too.  And here I had thought Storm Wing got it from his father.  Nope!

Chuck Testa!

“Azure Flora, you know as well as I do that such things can be undone.  Luna and Celestia are not fools.  With the filly having disappeared after actively seeking out the human who disappeared around the same time... I don’t think I have to tell you that they will be able to puzzle it all together,” he reasoned, his voice somewhat pleading.  I got the impression that while he was willing to forcibly stop Azure Flora, I don’t think he wanted it to come to that.

“That’s your fault for not letting her go sooner!” Surprisingly, she threw it right back in his face.  I could hear her steps coming closer, but she didn’t get far before slowing to a stop, “... David, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

There was a heavy silence that preceded his somewhat pained reply, “No, Azure, you’re right.  It is my fault for not acting sooner.  But that doesn’t change what needs to be done.  Flora, I know this brings back a lot of painful memories.  But the Codex needs a little more time before we can deal with the human and the filly.  I don’t want anything to upset that.  Just another day or two.  She won’t succumb to the more permanent side-effects by then.  We can even make amends to her afterwards.”

“No, David,” her voice was on the edge of begging, “She’s succumbing to it faster than I did.  She’s already cold and weakened from being completely bereft of magic.  It may take hold in another day or two.  Let her out, or I will.  She... She can even stay here with me.”

“Yes!” I set Applebloom down on the bed and ran to the bars of my cell, gripping them intently, “Dude, just get her out of here!  Anything is better than being in here.”

“I know Applebloom’s propensity for getting herself into trouble,” he countered without a moment’s hesitation.  Whether or not he was talking to me or Flora, I couldn’t tell, “That would likely end up being worse than letting her go.”

Had me there.  Applebloom was about as timid as a wrecking ball, and half as subtle.

“I’m sorry, Flora, but I need you for other tasks besides childcare.  The filly will be fine for the next day or two,” David spoke firmly, hardening his tone further yet.

“Remember when you said you weren’t going to force me to do anything I didn’t want to?” Azure Flora’s tone was just as steadfast. “And I promised you I would do everything I could to help you, David?”

“Flora...” David’s, on the other hand, had lost a bit of its edge. “Don’t make me invoke the Pact.”

I heard hoofsteps approaching just as she spoke again, “Well, one of us is going to break a promise today.  It’s up to you as to who that will be.”

I heard a second set of hooves take off and just as Azure Flora came into my view on the left.  She didn’t get but another two steps before Commander Starlight was standing in her way, dressed in armor not too dissimilar from Winter Sky’s when he was... incomplete or whatever.  Flora was rather surprised, I could tell, but her expression quickly changed and eventually belied her determination.

“Get out of the way, child.” Flora’s voice was starting to become less soft and more righteously indignant.

“No,” Starlight responded before hopping forward and smacking her metal-clad forehead into Flora’s.

Unsurprisingly, Flora got knocked the eff out!  I blinked in surprise.  I did not expect that in the least.  Neither did David apparently.

“Starlight...?” David asked, genuinely confused.

“Best case scenario was that she got her way and proved that you have no control over her, allowing for complications in the future,” Starlight’s voice was impassive, her words only broken by the use of her mouth to pick up and sling Azure Flora over her back, “Worst case scenario was that you made good on your threat, planting seeds of dissent.  My personal reason?  I didn’t want to risk her breaking her Pact and... … Well, the rest you know.”

While I couldn’t see David, I could tell from the inflection in his voice that he was wholly accepting of that answer. “I see.”

“Starlight,” I murmured, frowning at her before sighing, “Are you...”

She didn’t even look back at me before leaving, ignoring me completely.  My heart sank as they all left.  Applebloom may not have been getting worse, but I was worried that Azure Flora was correct and that a day or two was a day or two too long.  Still, what could I do, right?  Just had to bide my time and wait for an opportunity, I told myself.  

After looking back at the filly, I saw her start to shiver again and immediately moved to scoop her back up.  

I just had to hope that my opportunity came while there was still time.

* * *

Day whatever.  Nothing on TV.  Ate Cheetos.  

Okay, maybe I actually ate the grilled chicken Caesar salad with blue cheese dressing that Trixie brought me.  I swear, I never ate a salad before that but after having experienced the joys of blue cheese and Parmesan placed upon the wonderful green romaine lettuce leaves mixed with seared chicken muscles... Well, let’s just say I anticipate some lost weight in my future due to a healthier diet.  At least she was kind enough to bring a fork and such this time.  She didn’t seem bothered by the fact that I was eating meat this time, which was a little unnerving.  I mean, smother it in salad or not, that’s still some animal’s piecesparts!  Therefore, with the question on my mind and all, I decided all I could do was press for an answer.

“Hey!” I jumped up before beckoning her closer.  Trivia note:  Ponies are actually smaller than pony sized, though not by much.  I knelt down as she gave me a skeptical stare.  I pointed at the sleeping Applebloom and covered my ears, conveying the idea that I didn’t want to scare the filly.  Trixie was silly enough to trust me, and while I had every opportunity to grab her and hold her hostage, it just wasn’t in me.

“Where did you get all this meat?” I whispered low enough to where Applebloom couldn’t hear me.  If that steak had came from one of those silly cows that AJ had to stop from crushing Townsville (seriously, is it just me or is Ponyville the Equestrian equivalent to a certain metropolis housing three kindergarten supergirls?), I might have had to go politely purge it.  Eating sentient creatures wasn’t something I had casually jotted down on my bucket list, after all.  Chicken, on the other hand, didn’t bother me, though.  They were just normal illustrated chickens.  

Mmmm.  Delicious cartoon chicken.

“Oh, afraid you ate somepony after all?” she murmured back, smiling cruelly before winking, “Don’t worry.  It was provided for by David.  We didn’t slaughter some poor creature just for your benefit.”

I was relieved, but only at first.  See, I let her words sink in, and then my imagination began to run amok formulating roundabout ways to say it did come from an animal and that it wasn’t JUST for me or something.  It does that sometimes, my mind does.  I can’t help it!  It was like having a deathly strong phobia and trying to not think about it once someone mentions it.  (SHIT, SPIDERS!)

“Whaddya mean, ‘just for my benefit!?’” I cried, jumping back and staring at her in suspicious horror.

“Oh, I’ll just leave that for you to figure out.” She smiled her dazzling smile as she walked back to the cart and began nudging it over to The Nightmare’s cell so as to bring her food.  I tried calling for her again, but she ignored me.  Much to my dismay, I had been counter trolled.  Not as perfect as the one I dropped on her, but she at least made me walk away with a metaphorical bloody nose.  Now I had to sit here and reassure myself with the words ‘fabricated it’ to avoid succumbing to the sway of nausea.

Luckily, I was distracted from that line of thought.  Though I will admit, the distraction wasn’t entirely pleasant.

“How does it feel to have no power at all, slave?”

“I am no slave,” Trixie replied evenly, unwilling to be moved by The Nightmare’s mockery.

“Your collar may not be tangible, but I still see it wrapped around your pretty blue neck,” she countered with a laugh, “Drop the food and scamper away, little pet.  I think I hear your master snapping his fingers for you!”

I grimaced as I heard a loud clang of metal.  Whatever it was The Nightmare was eating, she was going to have to pick it up off the cold floor.

Ponycat fight, incoming.

“Even if that were true, it’s a step up from sleeping in a cage waiting only for torture!” Trixie snapped maliciously, kicking the bowl/plate/whatever-The-Nightmare-was-served, “Here, beast!  Eat in a way that befits a monster like yourself!”

The Nightmare began to cackle loudly.

“Of course, I’m the beast!  But at least I choose to be!” she cried with glee. “I, in contrast to you, do not have to wonder if every thought, breath, and step I take are my own!  I, in contrast to you, am not pathetic!”

“Because crying in your sleep like a newborn foal isn’t pathetic at all!” Trixie countered angrily, “You should be kissing the ground David walks upon for the mercy he shows you!  But your pride makes you weak!  You could be walking free and powerful like the rest of us!  Yet you wither away inside within a cage.”

The Nightmare did not like that in the least.

“You know nothing!  NOTHING!  The veil has been lifted from your eyes for less than a year!  Do you think you have seen more than I in that time?” she screamed from within her cage. “The only gratuity David will ever get from me is a swift end!”

“Oh yes, you will construct the means to his end all from the confines of this prison.” I could easily picture the rolling of Trixie’s eyes accompanying her freezing cold sarcasm. “Truly, we have underestimated your power.  Woe betide anypony who gets in the way of your mediocre strength and magicless horn!  I’ll try not to cry myself to sleep when I picture you struggling to write with your mouth for the first time.  The terror might just be a little too much for a helpless mare like me.”

I snorted mirthfully.  Let it never be said that Trixie’s tongue wasn’t sharp.  I’m not sure if The Nightmare heard me, but I was okay with it either way.

“And yet, I still call myself more free than you possibly could.  It takes bars to keep me in place, slave,” The Nightmare sneered spitefully, “But you?  You only need the call of your Master.  

“And I’m not the only one who thinks it.  Why do you think the Human sits behind bars of his own.  He has all the power one could ever want, and all he needs to do is make a Pact with your master to free himself.  But there he sits in this prison, with me no less.  All because he would prefer to rot in this dungeon over slipping that leash around his neck.  Mock me if it pleases you.  Throw my food on the floor.  Spit on it, even.  In the end, you are still his slave.  And for all the power he’s granted you, you are still less powerful than me.”

Even Trixie couldn’t fight that logic.  And that wasn’t sitting very well with her.

“David never made him that offer!” she finally countered. “He would certainly take it if he had.  If for just to get away from you!”

“Why don’t you ask him, then?  You’re so confident, after all.”

Ah hell.  I was getting dragged into it.  But then again, that’s what The Nightmare wanted.  And I hated her for it.  Even from within the confines of her twelve-by-twelve, she still felt the need to hurt others.  Still, Trixie couldn’t have been so stupid as to actually believe that I would side with David.  It would have taken one hell of an act of coercion to make that happen.

“Firewall!” she shouted, jerking my attention out of its hazy state.

“Yeah, buddy,” I acknowledged, falsifying the bored tone as a sinking feeling fell right through my gut.

She stomped as she trotted to my cell, clopping as loudly as she could.  I don’t think it was a stretch to say that Trixie’s temper might have been a little uppity right then.

“Surely she is as foolish as she sounds,” she glared at me accusingly, “You wouldn’t languish in this cell if you had a choice, would you!”

Apparently, she was stupid enough.

Well, I decided since I could see where this was going, why not at least get a little fun out of it.  That in mind, I pulled out my cigarettes and tossed her one.

“Light that on the torch behind you and I’ll answer your question.” I gave her an encouraging smile.

“Ugh!” she stomped and started to refuse, but she fell victim to my devilish charms (or her demanding impatience, we’ll never know which) and picked it up with her mouth.

“You annoy me!” she snapped from behind the cigarette, her words a tad muffled because of it.  But she complied after seeing my smile grow wider and reached all the way up the wall to the torch that was just barely in reach.  Ponies can stretch out when they want to, and it almost always looks suggestive.  If you think I’m messed up in the head, go find a few pictures of ponies lying on their backs on the interwebs.  Or rather, don’t and just take my word for it.

That said, all it was for me was just one more opportunity to troll.

“Hey, Trixie, are you ticklish?” First thing I could think of that would distract her.

“What?!” She cried out, looking back at me incredulously before snarling angrily when it caused her to drop the cigarette on the floor, where it just barely rolled into the cell across from me.

“I’m not in the mood for games!” she snapped at me before turning back for the cigarette and scooping it back with her hoof.

I waited right until she went to bend over and pick it up.

If I said that I tried to resist the urge, it would be a lie.  So I won’t say that.  Instead, I will just that I instantly obeyed the urge to whistle provocatively at her.

Ah, the reactions I get from trolling.  They’re priceless.  Especially when they cause Trixie to turn bright red, swing her tail about to hide her backside, and stutter in righteous indignation.

“Not a fan of catcalls?” I said with a wink.  Man, Luna would kill me for flirting like this, even if it was just for trolling.

Her answer was to throw the cigarette through the bars and glare at me expectantly.  I chuckled as I picked it up and took a long one.  I shuddered as the feel-good tinglies went all the way from the tips of my fingers to the back of my spine.  When I looked back her way, she was only just beginning to get over her blush.

“Well?!” she demanded of me.

“What?” I gave her an innocent smile.  If a halo appeared over my head, I wouldn’t be surprised.

“Answer the question!” she ordered angrily.

“What question?” I countered.

“Firewall!” she shrieked furiously as her entire body seemed to spasm with the effort.

I sighed and glanced back at the bed to see if I was about to sit on Applebloom.  Whatever Trixie was giving her to help her sleep was some kind of powerful to keep her out through all this ruckus.  Two seconds afterwards, I decided it wasn’t likely a good idea that I smoke right next to her and moved to the opposing corner of my cell, blowing my smoke out into the hall.

“Trixie, the fact of the matter is…” I started to say before shaking my head.  This wasn’t something I had any business lying about.  I mean, I didn’t want Trixie to think that I would choose The Nightmare over her, but I wasn’t going to sugarcoat my principles for her either.

“The truth is, Trixie, you’re both right,” I said with a nod.

She tilted her head, a tad confused.  She opened her mouth to no doubt ask me to elaborate, but I beat her to it.

“David has not offered me a Pact,” I clarified, my eyes losing their focus on anything in particular as I spoke, “But that’s because he would be wasting my time and his breath.  If David ever offered me a Pact, I would spit on his hand.  Even if it got me killed.  I’d rather be free than alive.”

“But...”

“Look, I don’t... want to lie to you, Trixie,” I stared down at my socked feet and took another drag, “I mean, not about something so serious.”

“You don’t think I’m free either.  That just because I made a Pact, I’m suddenly a pet!” she snapped, her eyes slowly glassing over with tears.

“Look, I don’t pretend to know how it works,” I said with a shrug. “But... I’m not going to blow smoke up your skirt, either.  You may have free will, but... You’re definitely wearing a shock collar.  I mean, you can’t even hint at a lot of details without feeling like you’re about to die.  And that?  Yeah... I’d rather just sit in here.  But that’s just me.”

Trixie’s eyes widened with horror.  Not shock, not surprise.  Horror.  As though I had confirmed her darkest fear.  She backpeddled away from me and I stared at her, sadness narrowing my eyes.  I was watching the world she had built around her mind come crashing down.  Sure, it was a fragile world, but driving her to that point was still upsetting.

It really did bother me to see her like that, but it was definitely something she needed to hear.  Making deals with the Devil was frowned upon for a reason.  It wasn’t the right thing to do.  Ever.

“You see, slave.  You may no longer hear the Song itself, but you are still dancing to its deceptive melody,” The Nightmare sneered from her cage. “Don’t you find it ironic, though?  A dungeon full of prisoners, yet the only one truly captured isn’t even behind the bars.”

“That’s not true,” she whispered before running up to me, “Firewall, I am not a slave!”

“Never said you were,” I took a drag before glancing down at her, “But I’m not the one you need to convince.”

She understood what I was getting at right away.  The pain from that realization was hard to look at.  Almost made me cry.

There was no almost for her, though.

“N-No!” she yelled, stepping away from my cage. “Y-You’re lying!  Both of you are!”

The Nightmare began to laugh one of those creepy laughs that you’d expect out of a Gotham villain. “Why would I lie when it’s the truth that would hurt you the most!?”

“Stop it!” Trixie cried, falling back on her haunches and taking hold of her head with her hooves, “I’m no slave!  I am my own pony!”

“Trixie, calm down,” I said loudly enough for her to hear.

“No, don’t talk to me!” she yelled at me before getting up and shaking her head, “I’m no slave!”

Holy existential crisis, Batman!  Trixie was freaking out!  Badly!

“Trixie, stop, you’re going to hurt yourself!” I started to beg before she turned for the exit and sprinted out as quickly as she could, tears streaming down her face. “Trixie, stop!  Hey!  Trixie, come back!”

She never stopped.  She kept running, her footsteps haunted by my pleas and The Nightmare’s mocking laughter.

After several more seconds of that cliche villain guffaw, The Nightmare finally wound down.

“Ah, I didn’t think you had the nerve to tell her the truth, Human,” she sneered from down the hall.

A part of me felt guilty about it, but another part of me felt right.  I’m not sure which was Lafter and which was Stoic, for once.  I guess it was one of those days where all of me agreed on something.  And the verdict was... That sucked, but was necessary.

The Nightmare wanted to say something, “You’re more intrig-...”

I had no compulsion to listen.

“Yeah, you can totally... y’know.  Shut up,” I growled.

I finished off my cigarette and set it down on the stone floor instead of flicking it.  I turned to walk over to the bed and ran a hand through Applebloom’s mane.  She stirred a tad, happily nuzzling the bed, but was otherwise resting peacefully.  

Medicated sleeping pony cares not for your squabbles, for she is above it all.

“Do you deny that she needed to hear every word?” The Nightmare called out.

I snorted before yawning and walking back over to the still lit butt of the cigarette and used it to light a second one.  I frowned upon opening the pack, realizing that there was a cigarette missing from it this time.  Inmanipulon now sucked in ways that I had only since before shuddered in fear of.

“No, but you said it to torment her.  Because you’re a whore.” I answered quite plainly. “So, being that you’re a whore, I think you should shut your whore-mouth.”

She chuckled a bit before continuing, despite my opinion on her whorishness, “Do you not think that the result is what matters?”

“Some would say the ends justify the means.” I shrugged all for my own benefit. “Others would claim that it’s all about the journey, not the destination.”

“Oh?” Philosophy seemed to intrigue The Nightmare.  Which, to be real with you, I never saw coming from a mile a way. “Both have their reasons no doubt.  And which are you?”

I thought about it for a while before settling on answer C.  I’m a rebel like that.

“All things in moderation,” I answered, puffing off the second cigarette, “Including moderation.  Life’s too complicated to flawlessly simplify.”

She gave an astounded laugh.  I guess I really surprised her.

“Oh, I like you,” she replied.

“Goody.” I think you could have bottled all the sarcasm dripping off my voice.

“I bet living here in Equestria has made your life frustratingly dull,” she replied with a chuckle, “You must be bored to tears.”

I yawned again, taking another drag off the smoke, “To be honest, the last three months have held more excitement than the previous twenty years of my life.  And it’s all thanks to you and your aforementioned whorish ways.”

“I take it that’s an insult where you’re from.”

Looks like we’re never going to be able to cast The Nightmare as the Wizard of Oz’s scarecrow after all!  “Not much gets past you, Nightmare.”

“Well, everything gets past the natives of Equestria,” she snarled disdainfully, “They hear the Song of Naivete and prance around playfully.  Like idiots.  Like cattle.”

The acid that came off that last word was almost tangible.  Her hatred for the innocence of the ponies was beyond rational.  I mean, who hates someone for their innocence?

I guess, maybe, the jealous might?  But that’s just stupid.  Not that The Nightmare was a braintrust of any kind, but she was cunning in an insane sort of way.

Maybe that was it?

“Hey, why did you want to bring about Eternal Night?” I asked without so much as a segue.  I’m not afraid to change the subject!

“The Rhyme of Eternal Night?” she clarified before sniffing spitefully, “I was going to use it to drown out the Song of Naivete.  To force all these children to wake up.  To regard themselves as more than just the inhabitants of a false leader’s realm.”

“Right, because Celestia is such a cruel tyrant,” I replied with a snort.  That was all I needed to reaffirm my opinion of the loony Nightmare.

“You speak as though Celestia is not a victim herself.” I heard her walking to her own bed, yawning loudly.

“What?” I knew I had no business taking anything The Nightmare said seriously.  But a little voice in the back of my head --instead of a clearly audible one!-- was irritating me into curiosity.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, Human,” she answered, “Suffice it to say, not all is as it seems.  Leave me be, I need rest.”

I felt the urge to disturb her attempts to sleep, but I was rather beat myself.  “Whatever.  Just try to keep your crying to a dull roar.”

“How considerate of you to remind me.”

“That’s me.” I said with a smirk to no one, glancing over to the sleeping Applebloom.

* * *

Time passed in its usual manner.  Slowly.  Lazily.  Yawningly.  Bleh.  There was a lot on my mind and trying to put everything together was an exercise in futility.  Equestria was created by David?  The Ponies were under some spell?  The Nightmare’s insanity might not be so insane?

I tried to think of what it all meant, but truthfully, my time would have been better spent trying to find out how much wood would a woodchuck cut.  If he even did cut would wood, that is.

As I sat there, trying to piece it all together with nothing but a dwindling box of cigarettes to keep me company, I began to wonder if it even mattered.  Would figuring all this out even give me the edge I needed to get out of there?  Likely not, but it was something to do.

That is, until the whimpers off in the distance started.

My groan of impatience was laced with a considerable amount of frustration.  I really did not want to listen to four-to-six hours of whiny Nightmare.  Hell, I didn’t want to listen to anything that came out of The Nightmare for that amount of time.  Or even half that amount of time!  The damned Nightmare was best taken in small doses if one was to avoid thoughts of better ways to spend one’s time.  Such as playing Roshambo or something.

As time passed though, the distant whimpers only marginally increased in volume.  In fact, it took me a few minutes to realize that wasn’t The Nightmare crying.  Wherever it was coming from, it was from outside.  And I wasn’t the only one to notice it, either.

“Human, are you making that noise?” I heard her ask.

Someone’s a light sleeper.

“Shh.” I held my breath, trying to get a better idea of what was going on.

The whimpering came closer, and as it did, it became more emphatic.  Before long, the feminine whining turned into outright gasps and soft cries of agony.  Creepy.

“So, that... isn’t you?” She apparently needed some extra special confirmation.

Forget what I said earlier.  The Nightmare is a few games short of a Steam account.  Or perhaps she was a few Jpegs short of a DeviantArt page.  Possibly even a few six-siders short of a fireball.  A few fries short of a Happy Meal.  A few geese short of a gaggle.  Take your pick, I can do this all day.

“Shut up!” I ordered The Nightmare, cupping my hand behind my ear in an attempt to hear more betterish and stuff.

She started to say something again, but the ever nearing sound of whimpering sobs cut her off.

“Is it the slave?” she asked softly as her hooves clacked against the stone floor, probably from her cantering closer to the bars.

“Knock it off, would you? ... I can’t tell,” I admitted as the cries continued to come nearer.  It wasn’t tortured cries as much as it was tormented cries.  I know, that probably doesn’t make much sense but let me put it out this way.  If you get shot and fall over crying for the next ten minutes, that’s tormented cries.  Because you’re in a state of physical torment.  Uhhh... I think you can figure out what tortured cries are.  Point was this was somepony actively moving in pain.

The entrance to our little jail hall was suddenly thrown open, though the only reason I knew that was because the door made a tremendous slam as it opened.  At that point, there was no denying that Trixie was the one in pain.  I know because I’d heard her make these sounds of agony before.  When she was betraying Cookie’s identity at the cost of pain inflicted by the Pact that David had bound her to.

“Trixie, what’s wrong?” I called out as her whimpering came closer and closer.

“U... Use it!  Huh-...H-Here!  HE-HERE!” She squeaked in a shrill tone, collapsing as the sound of metal striking stone skipped to my cell.  Suddenly, at my feet, just outside of my cell laid the small metal tome that David had kept with him.  I reached down and picked it up.  Upon brushing it’s perfectly smooth and reflective white surface with my fingers, I could feel an energy humming within it.  Warmth immediately surged throughout my body and I suddenly realized that I was no longer under the effect of the Inmanipulon.  With the tome in one hand, I opened the other, palm up, and created a small tongue of fire within my hand.

“Trixie pony...” I murmured as the sensation hit the bottom of my feet and raced back up my spine, causing my eyes to flutter in response, “You are best pony.”

Without thinking, I grasped the Inmanipulon bar and attempted to melt it, but I could already tell that it wasn’t going to work.  This toy may be able to free my powers from suppression, but it didn’t make Inmanipulon any less immune to it.

“Trixie, I still can’t get out, the bars are still...” I started to inform her before she interrupted me again.

“Just... Just open it...” She panted softly, but decided to add an extra comment at the end, “Idiot.”

I blushed a bit and looked back at the book before grabbing its thrumming cover and pulling it back to reveal the first page.  The page was blank, but what I needed to see wasn’t actually something you view with your eyes.  In fact, I ended up closing them as my mind began to be assaulted with... Magic?  Technology?  Something greater?  I couldn’t rightly tell you.  It wasn’t... overbearing like other powerful sensations of magic had been.  It was, however, quite the attention grabber.

wARM WELCOME: CREATOR_  WARNING: POWER RESERVES CRITICAL_ OFFER: ENABLE: EFFICIENCY MODE_

Not technically loud, since it made no noise (which was further disorienting because I was aware that it was making no actual sound).  It was like being shocked with words as you were being forced to read them.  I know, that doesn’t make any sense, but uh... Very little concerning this little gizmo is going to fall within the realm of sanity.  For instance:  I didn’t tell it to tone down the... volume(?) so much as I desired it to be so, lest I lose another year of my life to jumping out of my skin.

TRANSMISSION REDUCED_ APOLOGIES: cREATOR_ OFFER:  FURTHER REDUCTION_?

Communication was not two way, at least not completely.  I wasn’t able to speak to it.  It was pretty much translating my thoughts and desires into questions and requests.  Like when I began to wonder what it actually was, it was quick to supply me with an answer.

THIS ONE:  THE CODEX OF THE CREATOR_  POSSESSION OF THIS ONE:  ENABLED_  PERMISSIONS = ENABLED TRUE FABRICATION; ENABLED TRUE ALTERATION; ENABLED TRUE EXTIRPATION_  OFFER:  FURTHER ELABORATION_?

That’s a lot of shuns.

My mouth moved to form the word ‘No’ as my mind truly and honestly desired for it to stop talking like a computer.  My current thoughts revolved around the concept of such a powerful toy being limited to such an obtrusive and limiting form of communication.

Compliance_

And suddenly it was out of my head and my eyes were open again.  My sinuses throbbed for several seconds as I adjusted to being released from the state of... whatever that was.

“Is this satisfactory?” The Codex said in a soft, gender neutral voice that I could describe as both young and bored.

“Yes.” I let out a sigh as I rubbed along the bridge of my nose.  When the pain subsided, I stared back at the metal tome.  The pages looked as though they were comprised of an unmarked transparent laminate.  I began to think of a few more improvements until Trixie’s laboured breathing brought me back to reality.  Or whatever I was in!  Hell, I wasn’t so sure anymore!

“Shit, Book.  Codex.  Whatever!  Get rid of the bars to my cage!” I snapped at it, running up to the Inmanipulon and pointing the face of the book at it.

“Mmm, sure thing.” I think it was trying to imply that I was going to put it to sleep by putting it to such demeaning tasks.  At least, that’s what I got from the inflection, anyway.  It didn’t sound happy, that much was for certain.  I think I’ll name it Marvin.

With that, a soft blue energy erupted from the pages and began to swirl about me.  It was so damn hard, keeping myself from touching the light.  I swear, Luna would have decked me in the face if she even saw me straining with this.  Eventually the energy snaked away from me and began weaving in and out between the bars which seemed to slowly erode away.  Oddly enough, this made absolutely no sound.  I made a mental note to request sound effects next time.  The entire process took a couple of minutes, but before long, I was able to slip out.  

“Power reserves are low,” the book said with what I could have sworn was a sigh, “Entering sleep mode.  Please limit use until further notified.  ETA is unknown.”

“Wait, I need you to help her!” I cried at the tome as the humming sensation that I was feeling faded into nothingness.

That worried me.  It snapped shut all of a sudden and I began to pry at it’s edges, but it wasn’t reopening at all.  I started to get extremely angry and frustrated but I quickly became too distracted.  Namely when I turned to see Trixie to the left of me, laying on the stone floor with her entire body covered in sweat and still gasping painfully.  No longer concerned with it, I dropped the superbook and ran to her side.  She had not been but a few steps from my cell, surprisingly; a testament to her determination when you take into account the distance between my cell and the door.

“Trixie,” I said softly as I dropped to my knees, my voice quickly filling with dread, “What’s... What’s wrong?”

“What do you think is wrong?!” I heard The Nightmare call out angrily, “She’s betrayed David!  She’s done something to disable him and stolen the Codex.  It’s triggered the punishment that comes along with her Pact.  No doubt she will be unable to weather its retribution and live, as nothing ever has and ever will, most likely.  As brave an act as it was, she’s doomed herself to the consequences.”

“This didn’t happen last time!” I cried out as I reached for her, the fear quickly taking root.

The Nightmare had no answer for that.  I felt a cold perspiration break out all over me as the tips of my fingers made contact with Trixie.  She was cold.  Colder than Applebloom had been, even.  I’m not good enough with words to express just how numb one can quickly become when the only alternatives are to faint or scream.  I mean, I’m not some almighty badass that can watch his comrade fall and be filled with righteous fury.  I’m just some guy who missed his twenty-fourth birthday while playing with ponies.  As terrible as some things had been in the past, this line had never been crossed.  It never needed to be crossed.  It never should be crossed.

I helped her up a bit, holding an arm under her as my spare hand brushed away the damp mane from her face.  She lazily affixed her lovely blue orbs onto my eyes and slowly managed a smile.  Her normally sky blue coat was darkened by all the sweat, giving her an ill hue overall.

“I’m no... slave,” she murmured softly, the pain in her voice causing a lump to form inside my throat.

I was moments from panicking like a child, but fortunately my defense against such things kicked in.  I still began to cry, but I still smiled and coughed out a laugh as I continued to brush her hair back.

“No, uh... This definitely qualifies you as... quite the rebellious pony.” It took all the strength in the world, but I kept my hand from quivering and my voice from cracking. “You really are The Great and Powerful Trixie.”

She gave a shivering gasp as though she were having troubles drawing breath and I couldn’t stop myself from seizing up in shock.  Eventually, she calmed a bit before smiling once more.

“Stupid human... Every... Everypony knows that,” she croaked in exhaustion, her blue eyes glazing over a tad.

I tried to think of something else to keep her smiling, but I was losing focus.  The dread and fear within me was fighting off my willingness to keep her smiling and happy.  I didn’t know what to do but sit there and stare down at her as tears continued to run down my face.  My chest began to ache as I forced my steady hand to continue stroking her hair.

“Stop crying,” she uttered breathlessly, “You’re... g... going to make me... cry, too.”

She really couldn’t have said anything worse at the moment.  I shut my eyes as tightly as a could, trying to stem the flow.  All I did was make it worse.  When I realized I wasn’t going to be able to do as she asked, I finally let out a sob and began to tremble with each pant.

“G... Go.” She coughed, reaching a hoof up to push at my chest. “Get out... Out of here.  T-Take the filly.  B... Better free than... alive, right?”

I shook my head.  Yeah, it was the sensible thing to do, but I was busy having my world violently crash down around me.  I had never wanted to curl up and wish everything away before, but watching this happen was already changing me in ways that weren’t going to be taken back any time soon.

“Oh, this is pathetic.” I heard The Nightmare groan out from her cage.  Surprisingly enough, it was easy to ignore her into oblivion.

I don’t know how long I was there, kneeling as I eventually lost myself to tears.  Precious time to escape was slipping by and I couldn’t bring myself to give a damn.  I was so focused on being there for Trixie that I hadn’t even noticed being snuck up on.  Which is sorta the point of sneaking up on someone and all, but I digress.

Trixie eyes moved and focused on that sneaking someone just over my shoulder (or rather somepony). “Azure Flora... Are you... here to sto-stop us?”

I looked back at Flora who seemed to be struggling in her attempts to comprehend the situation.  Her royal blue eyes moved from the Codex, to mine, to Trixie’s before moving back to mine.  Her visage was one of horror and degenerating to downright terror as she continued to piece it together.

“Trixie...” Her voice was a tad strained, as though she were on the edge of panicking. “What have you done?”

“Azure, what do...” I choked on the words, slowly shaking my head back and forth as my the tears on my face began to chill.

“J-Just g... Just go... Pleh... Please, Firewall,” she said as her breaths became deeper and slower.  She pushed at my chest again, but her hoof fell after a few moments.  I damn my observing nature for realizing this push wasn’t as strong as the last one.  I admit, it was the last thing I could take before falling into a panic.

“No, No...” The air in my throat cut off as I looked back at Trixie.  Her breathing was slowing and I remember feeling terror-stricken as my fears became reality.  Azure Flora suddenly galloped past me but I was too busy cradling Trixie to care what was going on around me.  I continued to shake my head as the sweat and tears on my face mingled.  The ache in my chest was pushing into my throat and threatening to make me sick.

“You’re... sssso... stupid,” Trixie’s eyes became glassy with tears of her own.  

Upon shutting her eyes, they escaped and slid down her cheek before slipping into the already damp fur.  It was when she didn’t reopen them that I finally fell apart.  There wasn’t anything pretty or romantic or poetic about watching this sort of thing happen.  

It’s just awful.  

Horrific.  

Agonizing.  

And I find that I both envy and pity anyone that has the ability to shrug it off.  

The ache that had jumped into my throat spread to my entire body as I began to weep without restraint.  I could hear Azure Flora and The Nightmare arguing as I pulled the pony closer, now blubbering loudly enough to likely bother the entire world.  I’d never felt such pain before in my life and it was almost worth wishing that I had never come to this place.  No heartbreak, rejection, or betrayal could ever amount to what I had witnessed that day.  

Nowadays, when I have nightmares, they’re not frightening.  

They’re just this moment.

I couldn’t tell you how much time had passed.  Only that I had sat there for what felt like an eternity with my arms around her, constantly moving back and forth between unrelenting sobs and silently crying.  The truly torturous part of having this happen was that she had done it because of what I had said.  She had been making a point to prove that she was free to herself.  If I had not said... What I mean to say is that, it may have been her choice, but I helped push her there.

And as cliche as it sounds, all I could think is, ‘What have I done?’

“Firewall?” I heard Applebloom call out fearfully.  It wasn’t the word, but the gentle hoof tap from Azure Flora that brought me out of my frozen state of despondency.  When I saw the two of them, I realized I must have woken the filly up with all my crying.  Not a big surprise, really.  What was a surprise was the fact that David wasn’t already here wondering what happened to his superbook.

“Applebloom?” I lifted my head, wiping my face before looking over to the source of the poke.  Just to my side were Azure Flora and Applebloom.  Flora gazed at me with sympathetic eyes.  Eyes that told me she had seen a lot in her time.

“Firewall, you need to leave.  This might be your only chance.  Take the girl and run.” Azure Flora’s voice was firm and urgent.  She didn’t seem to be having the same kind of trouble that I was having over Trixie’s sacrifice.  You get to be a thousand years old and death is likely something you get accustomed to, I guess.  That didn’t make me want to listen to her, though.  There was a pony in my arms that was never going to smile, cry, glare, yell, proclaim her greatness or boastfully chuckle ever again.  It didn’t matter who it was, even.  What mattered was that it happened.  

Right in front of me and for my sake, even.

I had to watch it happen right in my arms.

I stared at them impassively, a myriad of fluids leaking from my eyes and nose.  I glanced at Applebloom who was staring at Trixie like nothing made sense anymore.  Then I was reminded how I’m not the only one on the line here.  With that, I was finally able to remind myself that life marches on.  I looked back at Trixie before laying her back down and wiping my face.  I don’t think I have to tell anyone that this wasn’t my most glorious moment.

“Right,” I nodded before standing up and picking up the frightened filly.  She gasped in shock at first, but quickly wrapped her forelegs around my neck after adjusting.  Figured it would frighten her a little.  Ponies don’t often, if ever, get picked up by anything bipedal.

“Just hang on to me tightly, Bloom,” I whispered to give my already sore throat as little punishment as possible. “Flora.  Why are you helping us?”

She looked as though she were going to argue that we didn’t have time for this.  I was relieved when she gave up before she started.

“Because this has gone on for too long and much farther than it should have,” she lowered her head in guilt, “The Nightmare may have been a plague on society, but... it wasn’t worth it to solve things our way.  And Trixie... ... This is just proof.  And I should have seen it a long time ago.”

I looked back at her with a frown before letting my head drop again. “Come with us?”

“I wish I could,” she spoke softly, her smiling grimace threatening to sting my red eyes with more tears.

“Right.” I nodded, not wanting to push her into betraying her own pact.  She was probably skirting the edges by letting us go.  How does this shit work anyway, I caught myself wondering.  I quickly shook it off and looked down at the frightened Applebloom in my arms. “You okay?  You ready?”

“Y... Yeah,” she stammered, adjusting her position in my arms again.

“Human!” The Nightmare called out for me. “Tell her to free me!”

Sh’yeah right.  That was SO gonna happen.  Right after I win the lottery.

“Good luck, Flora,” I offered the white and blue pony, earning a smile from her in return.

Just as I turned to leave, The Nightmare called out again.  The difference between this time and last time was that I was interested in what she had to say.

“Free me and I can tell you how to reopen the book!” she called out, a little desperate, “You could free the ancient one from the Pact!  And revive the mare!  You owe it to her to at least try!”

Y’know, back in the days of pre-pony-life, I would hate it when the movies would take a powerful death and take out its meaning by reversing said death.  Would you like to know how much of an impact that had on my decision?  

Abso-f***ing-lutely none.

“Firewall, just go.” Flora urged me to continue walking but really, even if there was a sliver of a chance, I couldn’t pass it up, “She can’t be trusted.”

I stopped, turned around, and set Applebloom down before walking down to the cell that held my former body.  The appearance had not changed much beyond some incredibly girly turquoise eyes.  I glared at her and she glared right back.  I bit my lip before taking in a big breath and letting it out through my nose.  I gave a look to Azure Flora who was shaking her head.  She didn’t trust The Nightmare.  I didn’t either, but there was one thing I could trust.  

Self-Preservation.

“Come here,” I uttered softly, lifting a hand and crooking a pair of fingers.  I didn’t want to show this side of me around the others but it was a necessary consequence.  If it got Trixie back, I would have done it a thousand times.

Warning:  If you came for the ponies and the sunshine and the rainbows, it’s about to leave the door.  I know, I didn’t want it come to this, either.  This contains no Lafter, no Stoic, no emotion.  Just a cold logic when I realize that an objective is more important that the path.  Very... VERY rarely do I come to the conclusion that the ends justify the means.  This is one of those times.

The Nightmare hesitantly approached.  Big mistake.  Soon as she was within reach, I grabbed her by the mane and yanked her right up to the bars.  She cried out in shock as her head smacked into the magic nullifying metal, disorienting her long enough to get both my arms around her neck.  I hooked my right palm into the elbow of its opposing arm and braced against the cage with my spare hand.  That’s a fancy way of saying sleeper hold, by the way.

“R-Release me!” She squeaked, ineffectively pulling at my arms.  Sad thing is that this hold is easily broken but... it sorta relies on fingers.  Ironic, I know.  She tried to pull away with her hooves but the smooth stone floor provided absolutely no traction.

“I’m done playing games, Nightmare,” I spat angrily, flexing my arms to provide just a little more discomfort, “Tell me how to get the book open, or you go somewhere for a lot longer than a thousand years.  I don’t know if you have a name for it here, but back home, we call it Hell.”

She continued to struggle and even began to hurl threats and insults that I never really paid attention to.  I simply sighed and tightened my hold on the bar, narrowing her air supply even further.  It was a bit surreal, watching my once pony body struggle and strain in my arms.  When her struggles began to weaken, the panic began to set in that I was serious and she finally caved.  

“I’ll do it!” she cried through her now hoarse voice.

I was grateful for that, actually.  At least, I am now.  In the state I was in, I don’t think I would have stopped if she tried to call a bluff that didn’t exist.  I loosened my grip enough for her to breathe again and she gasped as the life-saving air rushed to her lungs.  She glared at me for a few seconds before smiling darkly.

“You were going to do it,” she said between panting breaths, “You had me so fooled.  I had almost forgotten that under all that smiling and laughter, you’re still a human.  A monster.”

“I’m going to give you enough time to take a one more breath and give me the reply I want.” I narrowed my eyes at her, leaning in closely, “How do I open the book?”

“Promise me one thing,” she said, her bright serpentine eyes glimmering with enthusiastic madness.

“Given your bargaining posture, I’m surprised you feel safe enough to make demands.” I gave a tug on her neck to remind her that while today may not have been a good day to die, it just might end up being hers.

“I want you to destroy David.” That excitement in her eyes reminded me just how crazy she was.

An odd request, but not one I would mind making good on.  

I became disgusted and let her go, glaring somewhat before stepping away from the Inmanipulon bars that were blocking my magic.  I turned and pretty much used the Force (magic) to yank the still closed book to my hand.  I gave its cover a testing tug and unsurprisingly did not get it open.  I gazed at The Nightmare as she rubbed her neck with a hoof, still panting.

“Flora, can you remove these bars?” I kept my voice flat and emotionless.

“I cannot free The Nightmare,” she responded shaking her head before cantering closer, “Firewall, I... I want Trixie back, too.  But you cannot trust The Nightmare.  It won’t help you.  It will only help itself.”

“I know,” I countered with a nod before looking at the cell beside The Nightmare’s, “What about those bars?  David give you any orders to leave those bars in place?”

“No, b-...” she started to say.

“Then get rid of them.  And any Inmanipulon inside.” I walked up to the bars, silently waiting for her to comply.  I heard her inhale as though she had a rebuttal in mind, but she must have let it go.  The bars in front of me vanished and without missing a beat, I walked into the cell and turned towards the wall between me and The Nightmare.  With a snarl, I kicked the wall with one socked foot.  

Had I been without magic, that would have hurt like a mother.  As things were, though, that wall crumbled under a wave of force and fire.  The Nightmare smiled madly at me, even when I walked up, grabbed her by the mane, and drug her out of her cell.  Not very gentlemanly of me, but I was just so fed up with the bullshit.

“You’re free.  I’ll deal with David.  Now tell me how to open the book.” I snapped angrily before throwing it down in front of her.  She started to speak, but I cut her off. “Keep in mind, the next words that come out of your mouth better satisfy me or the deal is off and you go back in your cell.  Where I hope David fails for the next thousand years trying to ‘fix’ you as you suffer through it.”

The Nightmare seemed to like the aggression.  I guess it was all she understood.  Who knows.  Who cares?  All that mattered is that she gave me what I wanted.  Thank god, because I was bluffing about putting her back in her cell.  I’d have probably just taken matters into m-... Well... Let’s not think about such things.  Let’s simply remember that The Nightmare was just as much to blame for Trixie’s sacrifice as I was.  Moreso, even.

“It’s main powersource is temporarily depleted.  Probably from dissolving the Antimagic metal or maybe David’s been using it too much lately.” She tapped it with a hoof before kicking it back over to me. “I once had the necessary permissions to use the device, but now you have them because David gave every last bit of magic I had to you.  It has a reserve power supply, though.  You can access it.  You just need to command it.  The reserve won’t last through much use, especially if you plan to use it to attempt a revival.”

“How do I command it?” I levitated it into my palm and looked it over.

“Same way you cast a spell,” she explained without hesitation, not wanting my ire to lose its distraction.

I tried for a few seconds to no avail.  After I realized I was getting nowhere, I glared at The Nightmare who cowered back a step but still kept her insane smile shining away at me.

“Y... You must have changed its command sequence.  It used to work the same way!” she protested loyally.  I know I shouldn’t have, but I believed her.  Mostly because I was busy working it out on my own.  I had to work fast, though.  Applebloom was counting on me.

I suddenly found myself wondering about Applebloom.  When I glanced over her way, I saw she was hiding behind Azure Flora.  Hiding from me.  That hurt a bit.  I wasn’t mad at her, it was just a little saddening that I had scared her with my actions.  It couldn’t be helped, I told myself in an attempt to console.  It didn’t really work, but at least I made the effort.

“Command sequence,” I mused aloud.

I thought about how I altered its method of communication and decided it was worth a shot.  It was possible that I had changed more than I knew when I told it to stop assaulting my brain.

“Administer auxiliary power,” I commanded clearly.  

Sure enough, the book popped open and the thrumming within started back up.  I lifted a hand and though it was outside of my affinity, I cast a quick spell to knock out The Nightmare.  Nothing cruel, just put her to sleep (okay, so maybe I let her hit the ground like a ton of bricks.  Sue me for not being extra concerned).  I found it remarkably easy.  Either being a human removed my affinity, or I got a lot more of a step-up in power than I had originally assumed.

“Reserves at one-hundred percent, Creator,” the book chimed dully, “Please use it wisely as the main power will not be restored for at least thirty hours.”

“Whatever, remove the Pact from Azure Flora and revive Trixie. Then go back to sleep,” I ordered sternly.  I wasn’t going to make this special or anything, I just wanted to get shit done and get the hell out of this place.  Well...  Maybe after having a word with David.

“Pact Contracts can not be broken by conventional means. Their design included defenses specifically built towards the Codex,” it stated, “Attempt anyway?”

There was something significant about that.  I decided to bank on the safe side.

“Revive Trixie first.  Then attempt.”  Well... safe in a sense, anyway.  With that, the book floated floated out of my hand and over to Trixie.  The thrumming began to increase in volume and everything seemed to lose focus for a few seconds.  After a few more minutes, it almost became unbearable.  Applebloom covered her ears as I began to cringe from the discomfort.  Flora, surprisingly, didn’t even bat an eyelash.  She merely turned and held the grimacing filly close.  When it got to the point that I couldn’t hear or feel anything but that thrumming vibration, I collapsed to my knees and ineffectively clutched at my ears.  It was like standing in front of a concert subwoofer with the dial turned up to ‘11’ and the lowest note being spammed like it was going out of style.

And then it stopped.  As soon as my vision cleared and my balance righted itself, I sprinted over to Trixie and knelt down by her.  She wasn’t moving at all, though.  I bit my lip hard with anger and clenched my fist so hard that my untrimmed fingernails were cutting into my palms.

“You tried, Firewall,” Flora offered softly, placing a hoof on my shoulder.

I just about cried all over again.  It just wasn’t fair.

Not for her.  Not for me.  Not for anyone.

But…

We all know Trixie is dramatic and such, but that doesn’t mean it was necessary for her to suddenly gasp and shock the hell out of me.  In fact, it was downright rude.  If it wasn’t for that whole dying thing, I might have gotten all bent out of shape.  As things stood, though, I was just ecstatic to the point of nearly crying.  Again.  She lifted her head and began coughing violently, gasping for air as though she couldn’t get any.  Probably something to do with me hugging her like a vice grip hugs a brace.

“You die again and I’ll make you regret it,” I promised her as I stood up, picking her up with me as I began to practically squee with glee.  She wheezed something in response and I suddenly came to my senses.  I set her back down and grinned at her like an idiot as she knelt down, still coughing.  After the fit passed, she glared up at me a bit for having woken up to such rough treatment before looking around at everypony.  I just continued to grin like a moron as everything came back to her.

“I... … I’m alive,” her voice was strained, as though she had gone for days without sleep, “I... I shouldn’t be, though... What...?”

She stared at one of her hooves as she slumped down further.  I guess being brought back from the WORLD BEYOND can tire you out.  Stupid stuff not making sense!  I was just about to explain everything to her when a rather loud crack like a gunshot report from behind startled the rainbows out of us all.  I looked over to see Azure Flora, looking perfectly fine except for the shocked expression on her face and a bit of steam coming off of her flank.

“Reserves are depleted.  Entering Hibernation,” the Codex announced before clapping shut and falling to the floor with a loud clack against the cold stone.

“Peachy,” I sighed before looking over to Applebloom, “Alright, you little licorice-headed monstrosity.  It’s time to earn your keep.  Show off your amazing book carryin’ skills.”

Applebloom blinked before tilting her head and cutting her eyes at me menacingly, “What’d you just -cough- just call me?”

“You heard me!” I stuck my tongue out at her before looking back at Azure Flora, “So, before I get the urge to make a hot flank joke, is there any way for us to check if that actually worked?”

Azure Flora’s unsettled air slowly left, replaced by a speculative gaze aimed at nothing in particular as she ran a hoof back over her mane.  Finally, she looked up at me before trotting over and STAMPING ON MY TOE!

I don’t need to tell anyone how much it hurts to get your toes abused.  Just think about the time you stubbed your toe.  Yeah, that time.  Now imagine a dog-sized pony stomping on it as hard as she can.  Horrifying, is it not?  It’s like, ‘that bitch!’ amirite?

“Mother Ffff... Gah!” I squalled in abrupt fury, snatching my foot out from under her, “Flora, you b-... Mmmmf!  What the hell!”

“I was under orders to keep from hurting you and even protect you,” she replied with a pleased smile, “And I just disobeyed them.  Blatantly, even.  Which means...”

“That had to be the worst way for you to test your Pact!” I snarled, curling my wounded foot-digit up to stymie the throbbing pain it was emitting, “We are not amused, Flora!”

“I am,” Applebloom trotted right past us both with a large grin on her muzzle, balancing the Codex atop her head as though she was paid to do this sort of thing every day.

“Yeah, well, short people and how they got no reason to something something whatever...” I muttered, glancing down at my socked foot with a frown before remembering that screwing around was quite possibly the worst way to eat up our borrowed time.  I looked back to Trixie who looked like she was either three sheets to the wind or possibly high off fatigue.  Either way, she wasn’t long for consciousness.

“Stay with us, superpony,” I knelt down and waved a hand in front of her face, “We need your help if we’re all going to get out of here.”

“Mmmyes, everypony needs Trixie,” she replied with a roar of a yawn, “Very well, let us hurry before I decide my beauty sleep is... more important than... What are we doing, again?”

So dying was exhausting.  Not the strangest thing I’d ever heard.  Not even close.

“I dunno, can you toss up a portal?” I asked hopefully, reaching down to gently thump her horn with my index finger, “That would be helpful.”

Contrary to fanon belief, there’s nothing intimate about the horn, touching or otherwise.  It’s no different than poking someone in the temple.  Just sorta irritating and a violation of personal space.  Think of it like hair or something.  Sorry to dash your silly hopes on the rocks.

She pursed her lips together and rubbed the spot where I had flicked with an irritated glance at me, “Such a task is not beyond Trixie’s capacity, Firewall.”

“Do you always have t’talk about yerself like that?” Applebloom huffed as she continued to walk about in a small circle, gazing up at the book balanced precariously on it’s back, cover facing upward.

Great.  I had a sick child antagonizing my only way out.  I gave her a stern glance.

“Applebloom?  Hushing and the big ponies?  Kay-thanks,” I interrupted before Trixie could take offense and respond, “Great, Trixie.  Be great and powerful and make us a damn door already, we’re running out of time.”

Trixie started to protest the rough verbal treatment, but I quickly placed a hand over her mouth and gave her a serious stare.  It held no impatience, no malice.  It was just a reality check.  It didn’t take her long to get the message and once she did, I took my hand away from her.

“Trixie.  Please.  Wake up and focus,” I spoke softly, all humor having left the building. “Do you want to be here when David figures out the book is missing?”

That thought didn’t seem to tickle her fancy in the slightest.  She opened her mouth to speak again but closed it after another second of consideration.

“R... Right.  Where shall I take us?” she asked, her tone serious once again.

“Canterlot, if you can.” I said with an encouraging smile before turning to Azure Flora, “But first, we’ll need the Inmanipulon out of this room.  So chop-chop.”

Having magic ponies for allies makes life in general pretty easy.  I mean, it’s amazing how quickly you can go from ‘in a prison’ to ‘opening an escape portal’ with just a couple of mares backing you up.  I mean, it took Trixie longer to create the portal than it did Azure Flora to cleanse the room and that didn’t take very long at all.  It did, however, look like a close thing for Trixie judging from the way she struggled to form the portal.  I wasn’t certain she was going to make it happen, for a few seconds.  Eventually, though, the portal did open up, crackling loudly with energy as the path inside swirled with dark blue and grey clouds.  Trixie smiled arrogantly upon finishing her task despite the fatigue that wracked her body on all counts.

She did, however, forget to take one detail into account.

“How’s Firewall -cough- supposed to fit in that?” Applebloom asked with a tilt of her head, somehow managing to keep the superbook perfectly balanced on it nonetheless.

I rubbed the back my neck, “Eeeyeah... That’s uh...”

Trixie blinked before looking up at me, then back at the pony-sized portal, then back at me.  Her ears drooped as she lowered her head, mortified by the oversight.

“Indeed.  Quite an error,” a very calm voice called from the jail/prison/brig/thing’s entrance.

Cue dramatic gasp and everyone looking to the voice’s source!  Yeah, I’m sure it isn’t hard for anyone to guess that our new arrival was none other than David.  I glared darkly at him before stepping forward, putting myself between him and the others.

“You guys go ahead.” I ordered.  I know, looking back, it was totally cliche.  That didn’t make any difference at the time, but there you have it.

The three girls immediately replied with different variations of what amounted to ‘What about you, Firewall?’

David was staring at me impassively but his attention quickly moved to the Codex on Applebloom’s head.

“The Codex,” he whispered, sucking in his breath with dread splayed upon his face.

Without so much as another second to respond, David’s feet lifted off the ground and he began hastily careening towards us.

I moved to intercept, but just before lashing out, a large dark gray wall suddenly appeared in front of me.  I felt the fire inside of me nearly extinguish before it suddenly moved towards the entrance with enough speed to cause one to believe it had been shot from a bullet.  It filled the entire hallway and left David nowhere to go to escape it’s crushingly rapid progress.

I kid you not, David went ‘Oof!’ as it smacked into him and carried him right back out the way he came in.

“Trixie, get the child out of here,” Azure Flora grit her teeth and looked back at the unicorn, “And don’t stop until the princesses have that book!”

Applebloom ran over and hugged my leg, “I don’t wanna leave you, Firewall!  I’m s... -cough- I’m scared!”

AUGH!  HEARTMELTING FILLY, Y U GUILT ME TO DEATH!

I bent down and picked her up, “Don’t worry, tiny.  It’s not like you won’t see me again.”

I’m not sure if she believed me or not, but her pretty gold eyes were rimmed with frightened tears.  I smiled at her to let her know it was all okay, but that only seemed to make it worse.  She threw forehooves around my neck and let out something that was neither a cough nor a sob.  I hugged her back with one arm, catching the Codex as it fell off her head.  She let out a sniffle, clinging desperately to my neck before reluctantly letting go, still on the verge of tears.

“Hey.  It’s going to be alright.  Promise,” I swore, holding the book back out to her, “I need you to be brave, okay?  You gotta get this to Luna and Celestia and tell them where I am.  I’m counting on you to come save me.  Can you do that?”

At first she remained fearful, but it didn’t take long for those red-gold eyes to steel themselves in indomitable ferocity.  She shook with a soft cough and took the book from me before setting it back on her head (HNNNNNNNG!!!!).  It made me feel pretty good, I’ve no problem admitting.  Without another moment wasted, I walked over to the portal and knelt down to set her by it, giving her a nod.

“I’ll come back for you.” Her voice was still a little shaky, but her tone left no room for argument.

Trixie trotted by and surprised me with a peck to my cheek, “Stay safe, stupid human.”

Before I could respond, David suddenly burst through the wall of Inmanipulon.  Trixie paled a tad before snatching up Applebloom and dashing through the portal.

“NO!  Starlight, I need you!” I heard David scream just as Flora created a second wall to push him back.  Rather than collide into this one, though, a brilliant white-blue beam of energy knocked a hole through it as cleanly as a hole-punch perforated paper.

I didn’t so much think as just react by throwing a tiny red ball of flame down the hall that detonated just before David reached it.  I immediately felt like an idiot as the rush of flame and force sped towards myself and Azure Flora as quickly as it shoved our assailant back.  I jumped in front of her and created a wall of magical flame to counteract the devastation coming our way.  I was surprised how easily I managed it, to be honest.  The increase in power was going to come in handy, I could already tell.

“Whew,” I huffed in relief before glancing back at the white and blue pony staring at me like I was a complete mouth-breathing moron, “What?”

“Magic does not affect me, Firewall,” she said with an irritated roll of her eyes, “And you’re not harmed by fire.”

I blushed brightly.  So I’ve been known to herp some derp in my day!  Sue me!

I turned my attention back towards the smoke-clouded hallway and blinked as a gale of wind pushed it all aside.  Standing at the entrance yet again was David wreathed in a blue glow.  Standing at his side was Starlight, her wings folding back in from blowing away the smoke.

“Get to Canterlot, Commander,” he murmured, keeping his eyes locked on me. “Recover the Codex.  I will handle this.”

“Yes, sir,” she replied with a nod of her head, her bright red eyes narrowed with tenacity, “I’ll return shortly.”

We continued the standoff as the Sky Archon turned away and took off with a trail of lightning streaking behind her.  I could feel my hands start to sweat with anticipation, which was a little out of the ordinary for me.  I wasn’t worried about myself.  I never really did give a damn about what happened to me, in all honesty.  But somepony was going to make it difficult for me to work by being all cute and defiant.

“Flora,” David called out softly, “Why are you doing this?”

“If you can’t figure that out for yourself, David,” she answered with a thinly veiled degree of unwillingness in her voice, “Then there’s no reason why I should waste anyone’s time trying to explain it.  I’m sorry it’s come to this”

He stepped into the room, the glow on his body slowly fading as he placed one hand inside of another behind his back.  He let out a soft snort and shook his head. “Now you sound like me.”

I glanced back at the portal.  It was still open.  I commenced the ‘plan’ification process and stepped back a bit, positioning myself alongside my pony ally.

“Flora, you’ve a soft, kind heart.” He continued to slowly step down the hall. “I know you don’t want to hurt me and I don’t want to hurt you.  This is between me and the human.  You should leave while you still can.”

“I can’t just stand by and do nothing.  I’ve done that for a thousand years, and I’ve had enough of it,” she retorted.  Even as she said it, though, I could hear the reluctance in her voice.

This wasn’t going to work out.  I mean, she kinda reminded me of my sister.  She would talk of violence and anger, but it just wasn’t in her to do it herself.  I mean, this pony could make blades and spears out of anti-magic dust.  But she’d always used cages, chains, and metal sheets that wrap around you.  All stuff to disarm or disable.  Really, if she had been ruthless enough, she probably could have destroyed all opposition on her own.

“Flora, go through the portal,” I murmured softly, “You’re going to be more of a liability here than an asset.

She blinked before looking up at me in shock, her eyes betraying her fear.  Even through that, though, she looked back at David who had paused his advance to let us talk it out, one eyebrow raised in suspicion.

“I can’t run anymore, Firewall.  If I don’t make my stand here, when it matters most...” She let her words trail off before pawing at the ground in determination. “I can’t back down this time.”

Awesome.  Idealism.  Yeah, fight the power and stuff!  Just... not when I’m there and can easily be defeated by form of exploiting my allies.  David wasn’t affected by Inmanipulon and neither was his blue light blasty stuff.  Whatever it was he was throwing around, it could hurt Flora.  As cool as it was that she was willing to fight for her beliefs, I wasn’t about to let another pony die in front of me.

“Just promise me one thing, Flora,” I murmured softly as I looked down at her.

She stared at David hesitantly, her eyes void of the conviction necessary to be a part of this.  As foolish as this was, I knew it would be the safest route for her and probably even me.

“I won’t get in your way,” she swore.

I uh... I didn’t believe her.

“Nah, I was going to tell you to say hi to Winter Sky for me.” I said just as I snatched her back by the tail.  

Ponies are heavier than they look, despite being even smaller than an actual pony from Earth.  Thankfully, Flora’s pretty small as far as ponies go.  I mean, when I say she’s dainty, I mean she’s shorter than Rainbow Dash.

“Ahh!  W-What are you...” she cried out, entirely unprepared for being shoved through the portal.

“And give him a big kiss, too!” I ordered enthusiastically as she vanished within the swirling gate.  

I snatched my hands back out and right on cue, it twisted to a close.  David was polite enough to not make his move while I was removing yet another innocent from the equation.  In fact, he even thanked me.

“That was a very selfless thing for you to do,” he pointed out, sounding a tad relieved.  I wasn’t sure Flora could have brought herself to attack David.  In fact, if I had to bet, I wouldn’t have put my money on it ever happening.  David, on the other hand, I wasn’t so sure about.  Sure, it may have assaulted his conscience later, but he probably would have written it off as a brutal and painful necessity.

“Yeah, I’m pretty stupid like that,” I agreed, brushing back my hair and sighing, “Look, David, I’m pretty sure you can figure it out by now, but uh... you’ve lost this.”

“There’s still a chance that I can salvage this.” He sounded like he really believed that.  I don’t know if he was being delusional or had a trick up his sleeve.  Didn’t care.

“C’mon, like you’ve really got a shot.  Your superbook is in the hands of Celestia and Luna by now, right?” I huffed, letting my lips flap in exasperation, “Between them and Twilight and some pony with a decryption cutie-mark, they’ll have it open before you know it.  You’ve lost, already.”

He hesitated before replying, pursing his lips as he thought.  Not sure what that meant.  David wasn’t actually human, so the subtext of any outward reaction could mean something completely different.  You might not initially make the connection, but the different species have similar reactions for completely different reasons.  Basically, think of it this way:  You might narrow your eyes while suspicious of somebody’s ulterior motives.  A pony is more shocked by underhanded deeds, so they would actually widen them in most cases.  David was something entirely different, so I had no clue if I was annoying him or unsettling him.

“I can no longer follow through with my original intentions.  But I can still try to get the Codex back and leave this place in peace,” he eventually countered with a nod, “If Starlight manages to intercept it in transit, I can prevent the ponies from learning things that they are much too young to know as a civilization and things that would disturb of them on every personal level imaginable.  And in either circumstance, I still need to send you home.  And not for the reasons you might think.”

My shoulders sagged a bit.  Yeah, I figured it would come to blows, but hey, I was kinda hoping he would just concede and that would be that.  Stupid dedicated villains - if you could call him that.

“Well, let me put it this way, mate,” I responded as I looked down at my hand, palm upturned.  It became wreathed in flame and I let my eyes flutter closed as I covered myself in the magical red and blue flame.  I opened my eyes again as the sensations subsided and glared at David before cracking my neck, knuckles, and wrists. “You’re going to have to work for it.”

“Possibly not,” he replied, lifting his hand and doing that silly wave.  As if on cue, the fire surrounding me flared up as if it had received a gust of wind.

“I cannot harmonize through your barrier.  I assumed as much,” he gave a soft nod before lifting his hand again and crooking the tips of his fingers to egg me on, “In which case, I’m going to have to resort to violence.  Not what I wanted, but I’ll admit, after you’ve managed to ruin plan after plan, the idea of venting a bit of my frustration... let us just say I’m somewhat overcome with anticipation.”

I’m not sure what it says about you when your adrenaline starts pumping before the fight, but if I had to guess, it probably meant that I was wanting this even moreso than David.  I’m not big on presumption and arrogance which David carried in spades, not to mention I had to watch a pony die in my arms because of this mouthbreathing idiot.  So yeah, now that I reflect a bit, I guess you could say I was really... really looking forward to this.

“I’ll do my best to fail in my attempts to resist enjoying this,” I informed him as I magicked a cigarette out of my pocket and lit it on the way to my lips.

That may have been an extra convoluted way of mentioning how fun this was going to be.  Oh well.  I didn’t let it bother me.  I simply lifted a hand and shoved a firewall (shot!) down the entire hallway, leaving David nowhere to run as it consumed the entirety of the area as it moved.  It was just a test shot to see how much he could handle and after seeing him wreathed in a soft blue glowing outline, entirely unfazed, I figured I could really let loose.

“You’re going to have to do better than t-...” he started to say before I cranked up the heat to about where Celestia had ubercharged me those few months back.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” I called out, taking a drag off my cigarette and letting the torrential eruption of flames continue to flow out of my hand, “I think you said, ‘Kick my ass,’ right?”

I glanced back at The Nightmare, still napping it up behind me.  Decided to indulge in some idle conversation as I effortlessly charred everything down that half of the corridor. “People here are crazy, don’t you think?  I mean, who makes that sort of request?”

Still unconscious, The Nightmare didn’t have anything to say about that.  Pfft.  Rude.

After a minute or so, I got bored of this and finally let off the gas.  As the smoke and steam slowly dispersed, I took another puff off my cigarette.  Just in case David jumped out, I began to gather what felt like an endless reservoir of magic inside of me.

“Did I getcha?  Are ya dead?” I called out, waving my hand to brush away some of the smoke.

“I will... forever regret... giving her... so much power...” I heard him call out between breaths.  It didn’t sound like he was tired or in pain.  Just very angry.

When all the smoke finally faded, I took a look at my handiwork.  David was ankle deep in molten stone and still wreathed in that eerie blue light.  He was crouched and sporting a few dark marks.  I couldn’t tell if they were scorch marks or from soot.  Either way, he looked very displeased.

“There’s a whole lot of things you should be regretting,” I rolled my cigarette over to the other side of my mouth and let my smile fade, “That shouldn’t be one of them.”

He snarled before floating out of the hardening stone and snapping his fingers.  The resulting effect was a loud and bright burst of white magic right in front of my eyes.  

I cried out in shock, completely blinded by the spell, “GODDAMN IT, IT’S ALWAYS THE (ponycensor!)ING EYES!”

I dropped my cigarette and stumbled back a few steps, blinking rapidly to try and regain my vision.  It took a second or two, but just as clarity reasserted itself, David was already in my face.  He placed his hand on my chest and instantly I could feel a freezing sensation spreading from the point of contact.

I’m not sure what, but David was draining me of something.

“Sh-Shit!” I gasped, fighting off the powerful urge to fall to my knees and pass out.  I lifted a hand to throw some fire but felt it drop just as quickly.  I could barely keep my head up.  I stared at him as I fell back a step.  He kept pace though, keeping his hand planted firmly planted over my heart.  I felt my eyelids become heavy.  Like I had run been awake for weeks without rest.  Before I gave myself to unconsciousness, though, I watched as the edge of David’s mouth curl upward.

My only thoughts revolved around the act of removing the goddamn smirk.  Which I did.

With all the will I could muster, I opened my mouth and roared out a gout of flame that slammed right into his chest, shoving him back several steps.  Instantly, I could feel the lethargy leaving my body.  David tried to get back to me before I could recover but I was a little too determined for that nonsense.  I roared another blast right into his approach, this one twice as strong.  He was quick enough to twist around it and flew right for me, hand outstretched.

“Ahhh!” I shouted, stomping my foot into the ground and bringing a column of flame bursting from the ground beneath him.  

It slammed him into the ceiling of the corridor and I sustained it for a moment before slipping under him and using fire breath instead.  He vanished beneath the onslaught of superheated breath and eventually began to be pushed into the ever softening rock.

I put a lot of effort into the fire, roaring out wave after wave.  I was relentless about it.  But even if my magic could sustain the effort, my body could not.  Ever blown as hard as you could and as long as you could ten times in a row?  Try it.  You’ll get dizzy.  Which is what happened to me.

I hopped back several steps, cutting it off before it got any worse.  I almost expected him to fall out of the hole.  A whole lot of magma dripped out but not much else, surprisingly enough.  I didn’t want to approach it and get the drop dropped on me, so instead, I spotted my fallen cigarette and magicked it right to me.  I smoked that thing down to the filter before I did anything else, slowly catching my breath.

No, the irony of smoking to catch your breath is not lost on me now, and it was not lost on me then.

I kept wondering if I had toasted him in that attack, but don’t think I’m spoiling anything by telling you that it just couldn’t have been over that quickly.

Finally, I worked up the nerve and looked up the hole.  I could see light on the other side but not much else.  The heat waves were distorting whatever was on the other side and I decided I had to take the chance.  With a bit of levitation and a dab of fiery rocket propulsion, I soared through the opening.  What I saw on the other side was a bit of a surprise.  Okay, a lot of a surprise.

I was in that unnecessarily huge cathedral room again, with David floating in the center of that ridiculous painting.  He was healing himself, I discovered.  The glow about him was flickering like an aged florescent light as the burns slowly faded and his hair returned.  I had really taken a piece of him in that last attack, I figured.

Made sense.  My fire breath was easily the most dangerous weapon in my arsenal in terms of sheer magic and heat.  

As he continued to repair himself, I pulled the pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and fetched one.  Luckily it repaired his clothes as well, else I’d have been blinded in a whole new way.  Fire has a tendency to do away with those, after all.

“Neat trick,” I called out before lighting it and smiling up at him, “Had enough?  Totally willing to accept your surrender, y’know.  All you have to say is ‘Oh please, Firewall, have mercy on my delicate Harry Potter ass’ and all this will be over.”

He frowned as he lowered himself to the table that was residing in the middle of the room.

“Stephen, you’re making it very difficult for me to not kill you,” he replied, his voice lacking all the soft arrogance he normally spouted, “If I can’t do what I must without destroying you, don’t think I won’t hesitate.”

I rolled my eyes and took a long puff off the cigarette, “Right.  Listen, David, I’m not stupid.  You weren’t able to defeat The Nightmare, even with your superbook.  Now I have all that power, plus what you gave me to bait her with.  So uh... I’m calling your bluff!  Give up, before I grind you into ashes thin enough to cut lines with and snort.”

“Your bravery and nobility is outmatched only by your stupidity,” he stated as the blue glow began to intensify.

“I’d rather be stupid than arrogant,” I sucked on the cigarette for a bit, giving him a mocking smirk, “But really, let’s not lie.  I’m not that stupid.  I mean, compared to you, I’m pretty damn smart.”

He stepped off the table almost robotically, his expression as passive as his stride.  As he continued his approach, his glow began to diminish until it faded entirely.  I didn’t drop my fire; I wasn’t that brainless.  I did, however, relax my posture.  If he wanted to talk, I was willing to listen.  I was always a good listener.  I’ll listen you into submission!

“Given your narrow perception of the circumstances, I suppose I can agree that you’re not entirely moronic.  Just ignorant of the consequences of your actions.” He crossed his arms before looking off to the side at nothing in particular. “Still, my choices are few.  Let me give you the briefest of insights, ‘Firewall,’ so that you may yet listen to reason.  This world?  It’s not a thousand years old.  It’s not even a hundred years old.  It’s not even five years old.  The memories, the lore, the inhabitants... They’re all created by the Codex.

“Well, that’s not entirely true... There are a few exceptions.  Such as Storm Wing.  He was actually born and not created.”

My brain had to make a sudden veer onto the open-minded interstate to be able to process the implications of that statement.  I didn’t just take his word for it, but I pinned it up as a reasonable possibility.  It fit with quite a few things, actually.  Questions I had always wondered about, but never bothered asking.  Such as why bathrooms had toilets if ponies didn’t use them?!  And why Prince Jackpony Stormwing acted rather immature on occasion when he was supposedly as old as The Nightmare.  I mean, I had just written it off as some people being too stubborn to actually mature.  And the other races, such as cows and gryphons.  I hadn’t seen any of them!

“So... You and I are the oldest things on this planet?” I raised my eyebrows with a smirk, “Luna’s gonna love that.  And suppose this isn’t a fabrication.  I mean, let’s be honest, your track record for honesty amongst your enemies and your allies isn’t exactly sparkling.  How am I supposed to believe it?  I know a lot of ponies that would claim to know otherwise.”

“I can’t prove anything to you.  I wouldn’t even if I could.  I don’t have to.  Because I know if you start to think about it, you’ll find it makes more sense than you might be willing to accept.” He stopped several feet away from me.  He sighed before lowering his eyes and giving his head a reluctant shake. “Your words from those few days ago; the accuracy they carried was painful.

“You don’t understand, Stephen.  When I said this world is incomplete, I meant it.  And now it is in more danger than you could possibly imagine.  Not just from The Nightmare or myself.  I broke a lot of rules when I gave them sentience.  I broke a lot more when I gave them the power of the Codex, what you’ve come to understand as magic.  I broke the rest of the rules when I made two beings that were above reproach of the Codex.  And now, without that small metal book, I can’t address the consequences of my actions.  Even with it, I would find myself struggling for the next dozen or so years and may still not succeed.”

I frowned, not liking what I was hearing.  It was disturbing on level that I didn’t want to contemplate.  He noticed my reaction and seemed to take encouragement from it.  I wasn’t worried about the ponies having the book, I was more concerned about these broken rules.  Rules are made by something.  Something that makes rules wants to enforce those rules.  Something is going to have something else enforcing said rules.

It was just the rule of rules, you see.

“You were right, Stephen.  They will get it open.  They will get it to work for them.  Now, hold onto that idea for a short while and allow me to pose you a question.” He looked back up at me, his eyes serious and fierce.  No longer empty and void of emotion as they had been. “In an incomplete world, you must have noticed a lot of things missing.  Did you ask any questions?”

I didn’t know if the question was rhetorical right away, so I didn’t answer until he pressed for one.

“You must have seen things missing.  Most are subtle, but there were plenty of obvious ones,” he raised his voice a bit, “Twilight never talks about her family but in passing.  Applejack and Applebloom don’t ever mention where their parents are or if they even exist.  Lavatories, that alone is something I know you can’t have missed.  Ponies that are supposedly centuries or more in age seem to struggle with maturity, even Luna and Celestia.  You have seen these things, have you not?”

I was a little distracted, trying to focus on dissecting these rules he had mentioned.  I had a sneaking suspicion where it was going, too.  Bad line of thought, this was.  Still, David seemed awfully worried about the ponies having that superbook.  I mean, yeah, I had noticed these things.  I didn’t ask questions, though.  Just wrote it off as wacky cartoon world.  I had sorta abandoned the whole ‘cartoon’ theory some time ago though, in all honesty.  Certain things were too real for it.  But I never went back to those questions, I suppose.  It was never that important to me.

In retrospect, that was kinda dumb.  In further retrospect, that sounds just like me.

“Or were you willfully and stubbornly ignorant?” he asked, now glaring accusingly, “I think you were.  Forced yourself to not pick at things that didn’t need to be brought up.”

“Nah,” I answered, shaking my head.

“So, you did ask?” he stepped closer, pausing when I lifted a hand to let him know he had reached his limit in terms of proximity.

“No,” I replied, glaring back at him, “I didn’t ask.  But I noticed.  Make your point.”

“My point?” he expression faded into frustration and he finally lost his temper.  He flung his hands about as he began yelling at me, wild gestures conveying his pent up rage, “THE POINT IS THAT THE EQUESTRIANS AREN’T ASKING THE SAME QUESTIONS FOR A REASON!  CAN YOU GUESS WHY?!”

“The Codex.  You’ve done something to them.  The Nightmare referred to it as a ‘Song’ earlier. Said it keeps the ponies happy with their lives here,” I murmured, shrugging it off like a smelly coat, “And it’s about to be undone, especially if Luna has any say in the matter.”

“PRECISELY!  I protected them for their own good with a world wide spell.  It’s called the Song of Naivete.  And as complex as it is, all it takes is a simple command to undo the spell and awaken the Equestrians!” he spat, snatching his glasses off and flinging them across the room.  Drama much? “WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN THEN!?”

“They’re going to suffer,” I answered plainly, almost as impassively as he had been earlier, “It will be really scary for them.  Myriad of problems.  Identity crisises... Er... Crises.  Existential melancholy.  Lots of tears.  They will all turn to whatever makes them feel most secure.”

“You are smarter than you let on.  Anything that will bring them comfort!  Pain, sadism, addiction, anything that brings them consistency!” His tone suggested that it was fighting between mockery and hope. “So you understand, then?  All will be lost.”

Magic is so fun.  It lets you summon up those little buzzers on Wheel Of Fortune when you answer incorrectly.  And then press them to make that very sound.

“Wrong~!” I flashed my pearly whites at him, smiling brightly. “Jeez, and you created them.  I figured you would know them better.  What are you suspecting will happen?  They become murderers?  Fall into insanity?  Become alcoholics and drug addicts?  They will turn to the easiest and most comforting form of security they have.  What the hell do you think that is, David?  Duh!  Each other!  They’re going to all run to one another.  They’re going to hug each others’ necks, cry for hours on end, panic for a few days, and then they’re going to talk it out.  They’ll get over it.  These ponies are tougher than they look.  Sure, this is probably going to traumatize the shit out of them.  No doubt there will be a few exceptions.  And yeah, they’re going to be forever changed by it.  But they will be alright.  All they’ve known is friendship and happiness.  Their shared innocence will literally be their salvation.”

“But it’s all a lie!” His glow began to return as he realized I wasn’t going to play his game.

“Doesn’t matter.  Drugs are a lie.  Doesn’t stop people from running to them when they need to escape from something.” I shrugged, still smiling brightly. “Thank God it’s not called My Little Addict: LSD is Magic, eh?  Then we’d have a serious problem on our hands.”

“And what if you’re wrong?  They’ve been exposed to plenty of harsh realities in the recent past,” he countered furiously, slowly lifting from the ground as the cobalt glow began to further intensify, “What if they do become monsters?”

“Well, David, that’s why you’re the one who has gotta go,” I said with a helpless gesture in his direction. “If any of them do struggle and begin to make some really bad decisions, it will have been you who inflicted it upon them from the start!  Wasn’t like they knew about war until you started mucking about in their affairs.  I mean, sure; I can understand that you did what you had to do.  And yeah, you went about it in the worst possible way but you were still doing things that had to be done.  Well, now I’m telling you, you’ve done enough.  I say let them go through this trial-by-fire.  They’ll be okay.  I’ll be here to help.  Hell, you get outta here right now and I stand a good chance of getting them ready for that transition before it happens.  Because let’s face it:  It’s gonna happen, bucko.”

“Not if I have any stake left here.  I created this world, Stephen,” he yelled, his cold voice now hot and hoarse, “I will decide what is best for it!  You think this is my first world?  My first creation?  Who the hell do you think you are?!”

I almost said something about believing in the me that believes in you.  I resisted.  Things were a little dire at the moment and it wasn’t the best time for humor.  --I know, that doesn’t sound like me at all!--

“Well, just picture me as the punk kid rebelling against his father.” I gave a chuckle, taking one last drag off my cigarette before flicking it, “The only difference is that this punk kid is going to kick daddy’s ass.”

Okay, so I still suck at being serious.  I admit it.  Are you happy?

“I’ll destroy you if you make me, Stephen!” David warned, his eyes becoming shining blue beacons focused dangerously on me.

“If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful that you could possibly imagine!” I set my feet into the stone as the fire around me grew hotter.  I could feel the floor literally squish as it gave way to the heat. “But seriously, you’ve given me the perspective that I need.  Basically, it’s all or nothing, now.  So let’s not beat around the bush.  Either I die... Or you die.”

“Such an ultimatum fits the gravity of the circumstances.  I find it harder to accept, though,” he snarled, “The human ability to simplify so heavy a choice as to take life is... both admirable and horrific.”

“Oh, you haven’t seen anything.” I smiled brightly. “I’m about to redefine your concept of horrific.”

With that, I leaped at him, using a rush of fire to propel me right to him.  He didn’t expect the direct approach, I guess, because he barely had time to lift his hands up by the time my fist was already connecting with his face.  His backward stumble gave me all the time I needed to stomp on his foot with one of my own and shove him backward (you’d be surprised how effective that is).  He unceremoniously fell on his ass from being unable to move his pinned foot.  Still reeling a bit from the assault, he lifted his head just in time to get the heel of my foot right in his mouth.  I figure this sorta goes without saying but uh... I was off to a really good start.

“Y’know, you’re not much of one for fighting, I would venture to guess,” I mentioned offhand as I charged up a ball of fire and spiked it right into his chest so hard he actually bounced off the ground like something straight out of Soul Calibur.  I assume it was something to do with his shield, but really, this whole magic thing really tossed my opinion of physics out the door a long time ago.

While he was still mid-bounce, I lifted both my hands, crossing one over the other and unleashed a fine impression of a thruster off a NASA space shuttle.  It literally blew my hair back --which is the first time I’ve ever felt recoil from any of my abilities--, so I could only imagine how David felt about it.  If I had to guess, I’d say he’d have likely lodged a complaint.  But instead, he was busy getting roasted.  I mean, that amount of smoke and fire sorta left me unable to see two feet in front of me.

“Damn,” I whistled, squinting my eyes against the acrid smoke, this time seriously wondering if I had just finished David.

Naturally, I hadn’t.  I mean, if you had seen just how large of an assault that was, you’d have been wondering the same thing.  To my dismay, though, such was not the case.  This was proven to me by the sudden flare of blue light and the rush of wind that pushed away all of the smoke, revealing David not six paces back from where I had last seen him.  I assume he was upset, but I couldn’t tell by the way the light was literally so bright that it was obscuring him with its radiance.

Before another moment could pass, the light emitted a silent blue beam that carried with it the force of a freight train.  If I had been a little less overconfident, I’d have been ready for something like that.  As it was, though, I totally got what I deserved, which was a quick trip to the other side of the room.  Being that the room was so large, you could imagine that I had to get hit pretty hard to have gone so far.  In fact, it was so far and so hard that it had actually snuffed out my aura of protective flame.  I ended up colliding with one of the statues hard enough to knock it over.  Something in my side gave way and after standing up, I realized that a few ribs weren’t in their proper place.

How unfortunate, I caught myself thinking as I instinctively grabbed at the throbbing area.

Pain is nauseating, I’ll have you know.  Broken ribs aren’t the worst pain I’ve ever had, but man, they aren’t exactly the ‘choke it down like a dry peanut butter sandwich’ kinda pain, either.  I gasped for air as I fought to get to my feet as quickly as I could.  I never made it, though.  I barely crawled to my knees when I looked up and David was standing there above me, his hand clutched over a large burn mark in the center of his chest where the sweater had been scorched away.

“I’m sorry it had to be this way,” he whispered as he lifted his hand at my face.  I could see the conflict in his eyes and knew he was telling the truth.  He didn’t want to kill me and doing so would probably be keeping him up at night for a long time to come.

“Not sorry enough,” I murmured before gathering all the remaining strength I had and leaping at him with a brand new flame aura.  I admit, I was using his hesitation against him, but if I may remind you, I don’t like to fight.  I disdain it.  If I have to, I do it because there’s something on the line worth fighting for and I’m not going to risk that something on pointless ‘fair play’ and all that rot.  Violence should always be a last ditch effort; and, if you’re like me and think along those lines, then you’re desperate enough to do anything to win.

Anyway, back to the action.  I knocked aside David’s hand, causing his beam to go far to the right.  Now close to him, I grabbed his collar and yanked his face within inches of mine.  Now before you go thinking I had succumbed to Stockholm syndrome, let me assuage your fears by telling you that rather than kiss him, I instead covered his entire face in fire breath.  His blue aura surged brightly in response at first but was soon overpowered with a bright flash of azure light.  His scream was unnerving to say the least and I admit to being shaken enough by it to stop.  Stupid, I know.

He took complete advantage of his reprieve by bringing back his aura.  Before I could react, his hand surged forth and covered my mouth, glowing brightly to prevent me from toasting him further. I don’t think he need have bothered, though.  I was a little busy being horrified by the damage I had done.  His face was some kind of charred and sizzling, and not in a pretty way mind you (as if such a thing were possible).  The smell alone was revolting enough to bother me, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.  Rather than describe it further, though, let’s just change the subject.

“Stop this, human.  Stop this before you make me kill you,” he rasped in an otherwordly voice as his skin and hair began to slowly fix itself with... squishy sound effects.  

That was some nasty funk right there, let me tell you.

“Mmphmm Ffmmss!” I mumbled from behind his hand and shook off my distraction.  I got my head back in the game, glaring at him before grabbing his wrist with both my hands.  Instantly, they turned white with heat and I could hear David’s skin sizzlin’ like bacon beneath my touch.  He cried out in painful rage, tightening his grip on my face and tossing me behind him to wrench his wrist out of my grasp.  I soared like a punted cat and landed on the flagstones in a less-than-graceful manner.  The impact didn’t cause too much damage, but it did remind me that I had a broken bone or two inside my chest.  I whimpered as I clutched my side, curling up and hissing as tears shot to my eyes.

“This is hopeless, Stephen.” I heard his voice becoming less distorted as his wounds continued to fade, “Only two kinds of beings fight hopeless fights.  Those gone mad.  And those with ideals.”

I rolled to my knees, letting out a cough and immediately wishing I hadn’t when I felt the stabbing sensation from within flare intensely in response.  I didn’t offer David any words, mostly because I was suffering, but also because an angry part of me had decided I was done talking.  I tried to look back at him over my shoulder, but twisting my body as I tried to stand was not a good idea.

“You are the second.  But even idealists can be set on the wrong path.” I could hear him getting closer. “Even as I say these words, I know you will not accept my mercy.  But like you, I must try.”

I gasped as I forced myself to my feet, waves of nauseating agony lancing throughout my body.  I panted as I turned to face David, my sight swimming as I did.  He was only a few steps away from me but he sounded much further.  I watched without reaction as he lifted his hand, firing a second beam that slammed into my shoulder and smothered my aura.  I stumbled back from the impact and shuddered as he brought himself even closer, lifting his hand yet again.

It was kinda silly, he actually inhaled to speak again, but the moment he did, I decided I didn’t want to hear it.  I grabbed hold of his hand and yanked him past me, snatching my foot across his ankles.  He smacked right into the ground as I used the same hand to cover him in fire.  It may not have been fire breath, but it was all I could manage at the time.  I used the other hand to clutch at the damaged ribs that threatened to overwhelm me.  The pain shot through my body as I slowly straightened my posture and I involuntarily lurched in response.  I tried to tell the pain that the last thing I needed to do was take my attention off David but it had other ideas.

It’s selfish like that.

I don’t know how quickly I let go of the stream of fire that I was using to pin David down, but I do know that I eventually did and that David wasted no time answering with a beam attack thingy of his own.  The difference between this beam and the others was that I was not wrapped in protective fire.  The result was a hole being poked through me, just to the left of the already wounded spot.

“FIREWALL!” I heard somebody scream out my name as I stumbled back a step, clutching my brand new hole.  Couldn’t place the voice at the time, it just sounded hella far away.  I wheezed as I felt a warm, wet sensation on my hand and looked down to see blood escaping me.  A small part of me was all, ‘Hey, almost forgot what that looked like!’ but a larger part knew that I was pretty much done for.  I stumbled away a few more steps and saw a flash of white light streak past me as I braced against one of the statues.  For the first time in a long time, I felt cold in an entirely natural fashion.  Freezing, even.

“I’ll kill you!” I heard the voice yell out again.  I glanced over to David just in time to see small white-blue pegasus collide with him.  Storm Wing.  They weren’t but thirty feet away, but it felt like it was much further than that due to the swimming vision and ringing in my ears.  My knees gave out and I collapsed against the cold stone statue with a groan.  I somehow managed to place my back to it by the time I hit the floor, using it to prop me up.  I felt like throwing up, but I didn’t have the strength in me.  At least I was getting a good final show, that much was certain.  David was getting the everloving hell beaten/shocked out of him by Storm.  He just wasn’t fast enough to keep up with the tiny archon.  I mean hell, he almost wasn’t fast enough to keep up with me when I wasn’t stupid enough to let my guard down.

David was soon becoming more wild with his attacks as desperation began to set in.  I would have cheered Storm on but I was busy bleeding out on the floor like a champion.

“Well, well, well.” A voice whispered into my ear, causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand up. “Isn’t this a precarious situation you’re in.”

“Can’t catch... a break... can I?” I murmured, letting my head roll to the side so that I faced The Nightmare.

This is where the commercial break would go.

“Someone isn’t doing so well,” The Nighmare said with a sneer as she softly stroked a hoof over my cheek.  Weird.

“Thank you, Captain Ob... Obvious...” I smiled tiredly at her, “Defender of everything... already known.”

She smirked at me with a glance down at my wound, gently poking at the blood running down my shirt.  She brought the hoof closer and examined the red liquid, fascination in her eyes.

“Ponies don’t have this fluid,” she muttered before wiping it off on my pants leg, “Did you know that?”

I blinked at her in a way that let her know that I had other things to worry about.  Like extra holes in my body!  And pain!  Pain sucks.

“Mmm, I suppose you don’t have much time for small talk,” she reasoned to herself before sighing and glancing back at Storm Wing and David, “Your friend is strong.  But he won’t last.  David isn’t a creature that can be struck down physically.  He may feel pain, he may grow tired, but no amount of physical abuse will ever destroy him.  He will outlast the Archon without a doubt, and then either drain him of his magic or kill him.  Either way, the outcome won’t be enviable for the pegasus.”

I blinked again, as feelings of fear for my friend began washing over me.  I’d seen one pony die today, I didn’t want to see it happen again.  One thing I did conclude was that if The Nightmare was sticking around despite its best interests, then it had a reason.  The only thing I knew for certain was that it wanted to get back at David.  If it was talking to me, then it had something in mind.

Turns out, I was right!

“Do you want to save him?” she asked as she turned back to face me, her smile wide, “Do you want him to live to see tomorrow?”

If I was feeling just a LITTLE bit better, I would have told her that Storm wasn’t going to actually see tomorrow even if he lived.  As it were, I just nodded, swallowing softly in an attempt to avoid sicking all over the place.  I could taste copper at the back of my throat and knew that I didn’t have long.

“Get on with it,” I croaked as a freezing cold sweat broke out onto my forehead and neck.  I’m told that’s the ‘flaring of the candle’ or something.  Where your body gives you a rush of clarity before you... y’know... kick it.

“Let us destroy David together, human,” she narrowed her eyes as he leaned closer, “Your body is broken.  Possess mine.”

“... The hell?” Even through all the pain and general haziness, that weirded me the hell out, “What’re you...”

“You have all of my power, human!” she snapped quietly, glancing back at the battle, “Listen carefully.  All of it.”

It took me a moment to understand what she meant but when she did, my eyes widened.  I could possess ponies.  I could go all gaseous and jump into her.  Use her body, her stronger body --aka my former body--, to fight David.  Sure, I may have more raw power, but without my aura, I was as durable as a tissue paper.  She also likely knew how to truly defeat him.  What was there to consider?  I mean, it may have dire consequences for me, but I wasn’t exactly going to get anything done in the state I was anyway.

“Take hold of this body, Human,” she hissed, a mad glimmer lighting her turquoise eyes.

“Whatever,” I croaked at her, feeling rather impatient on account of my death being at hand and all that.  I guess I’m just one of those guys that let little things like that piss him off. “Let’s d… Let’s do this.  Works just… just like any other spell?”

She smirked, the action causing her pretty turquoise eyes to slant a bit, “Just like any other spell.  As long as your will is strong enough, you can do this.”

I nodded.  Wished I hadn’t.  Just that small motion made my head swim with disorientation.  I tell you what, spilling your blood out onto the ground like that just doesn’t make for a pleasant day.  I recovered enough to focus on my actions.  I visualized my intent and began to take it step-by-step.  Such was the way of more complicated spells.  

Step one:  Turn into an untrustworthy mist.  I did it with my eyes closed since the last thing I needed was to forget to focus on step two by gawking at my dissipating body.  Now, contrary to popular belief, shapeshifting does not fix diddly.  The only physical benefit is that changing into something formless pretty much puts a freeze on your current state.  However, it still doesn’t make you feel any better.  So while I may have stopped bleeding, I still felt like I had a couple of debilitating wounds.  The only thing that actually heals anything is just that.  Healing.  Shame neither myself nor The Nightmare knew how to do that.

Step two:  Soak into The Nightmare.  Okay.   Simple enough.  Just hover over her and let myself drift in, right?

Wrong.

It didn’t work that way, it seemed.  I had to get some help from the peanut gallery.  Not the most dignified thing in the world, but hey, I’ve been known to sit on my bed with my arms and legs wrapped around a big pink Pinkie Pie stuffed doll and watch a cartoon meant for preadolescent children.  Dignity left my life a long time ago.

“What are you waiting for?” she snapped, glancing around her, “Take hold!”

“Dunno how,” I coughed, my voice somewhat distorted by my formlessness.  I was grateful for that, by the way.  Having no physical shell meant that I could actually function without suffering as though I were being tortured.

“You incompetent… You must take hold!  Disregard my will!  Let thoughts of dominance fill your mind,” she instructed impatiently, “Know that you will only experience triumph and do so without mercy!”

Wow.  I’m glad I’d only seen that kind of nonsense in movies.  I did a mental shrug and tried to comply, but my heart just wasn’t in it, I guess.  This obviously required a lot of emotion and with my mind as pain-clouded (rimshot!) as it was, there just wasn’t a beer’s chance at a frat party.  Magic needs will, sure.  But it also needs sincerity, that much is certain.  It ain’t like your boyfriend; it’ll know if you’re faking it!  And also unlike your boyfriend, it will matter.  So I was up Chocolate Creek without a Popsicle stick, it seemed.  At least, I was until I got some motivation.

“You’re pathetic, Firewall.  Have you not the strength to do what is necessary?!  Even now, we may be too late.  For as you can see, the Archon falls,” she pointed out with a sneer, “Your hesitation is dooming him.”

I opened my ‘eyes’ and ‘turned’ to ‘see’ --I’m not going to go through explaining how it actually works-- what all she was talking about.  If I had any eyes at the moment, they would have widened in shock.  Storm had tackled David to the ground it seemed and was standing on top of his chest.  However, David had one hand covering Storm’s eyes while he used his arm to hold his neck in place.  Storm was crying out in pain, as though David’s touch was nothing but fire to his skin.  He threw kicks and lightning in a vain attempt to struggle free, and while it was definitely hurting David, he was refusing to relinquish his hold on the pegasus.

Once again, I remind you all, I’m just not that motivated to take care of myself.  However, we all got our driving forces.  Watching someone else suffer, especially on my account?  That’s an all-bets-off no-holds-barred kinda thing for me.  That was all the motivation I got.  That was all the motivation I needed.  I would not let someone else suffer because of me yet again.

~Yes, Human… Just like that… You want to save him, do you not?~

~Shut up.~

When The Nightmare had taken hold of me, I never really felt anything different than a bit of hopelessness.  However, it does not work that way when you reverse the situation.  Because the body was so familiar, I didn’t freak out at the sudden change of perception.  In fact, it wasn’t all too sensational except for the knowledge.  The Nightmare offered me no resistance; quite the opposite, really.  She was practically shoving everything she knew about magic, David, and Equestria as a whole right at me.  It wasn’t too different from the Knowledge Absorption spell in terms of how much of a rush it was.  I felt a sense of anticipation building as I realized that this knowledge alone would give me everything I needed to win this fight.  Granted, I wouldn’t be able to suppress The Nightmare into unconsciousness if I was to actively draw on that knowledge, but I was willing to live with that burden.

After getting it all handled and filed away (which feels like an eternity, but really was merely a second or two), I began to feel the transformation quickly take place.  The air about us swirled and became energized, turning into a multitude of violets, blues, and reds.  Before long, it took shape around my body in the form of wings, armor, and height.  I shuddered as the euphoria alone nearly swept me away.  Once again, a little voice in the back of my head reminded me that I needed to be careful.  The last thing I needed was to get addicted to the rush.

After bringing myself back to Earth, I realized just how dangerous I was with all this power and knowledge.  I couldn’t help but wonder why The Nightmare needed more power.  Even without the destructive energies that David tempted her with, she was more than a match for anything else Equestria could throw at her.

Once I began submersing myself inside her mind, it didn’t take long to figure it out.

The Nightmare was just as David had said:  Incomplete.  It was like standing in a partially completed house.  Granted, the completed part was extremely well organized, but still.  She was missing nearly half of what a mind should encompass.  Her thoughts were frayed and disorganized, her short term goals weren’t part of a grander design, and her desires were centered wholly around the immature lust to do whatever felt good.  It suddenly made sense, why she wanted so much power.  That surge of magic, to put it bluntly, felt better than any drug or sensation.  I mean, I’m not a big user, but did a lot of buckling to peer pressure back when I was younger and nothing I had touched as of yet could compare.  Also, don’t do drugs, kids.

It made me feel sorry for the thing, but at the moment I had bigger fish to fry.  Bigger, Harry Potter shaped fish, to be specific.  I lifted my gaze to where David and Storm struggled with one another and inhaled to shout, gathering magic to amplify my voice.

“DAVID!”

The results were magnificent.  Both mine and The Nightmare’s voice blended and reverberated as though I were in a stadium.  Its volume shook the entire room like a rock concert, complete with dust falling from the ceiling.  

Naturally, it got his attention.  

I could tell by that shocked expression he threw my way that he was not happy to see this development.  In fact, he looked downright afraid.  He instantly put the two-and-two together that equaled the I-am-so-screwed reaction.  I took a sense of satisfaction in that; I’m not ashamed to say.

“Let him go,” I snarled, slowly cantering toward him.

His hesitation nearly cost him my patience, but just before I could lose my temper, he released Storm Wing.  The pegasus stumbled back and away from David, shaking his head over and over like he were trying to get something out of his eyes.  David started to get up but I was quick and angry enough to prevent that.  With a flap of my new wings (OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG), I closed the distance and stomped him back to the ground.  He wheezed as my heavy hoof collided with his chest but said nothing as I glared down at him.

~Destroy him!~

~Shut up.~

“You alright, Storm?” I never took my eyes off the rat bastard under my hoof.

“Firewall?  Is that… you?”

Storm sounded unsettled and distracted.  That alone should have tipped me off that something was wrong.  I could hear his wings flapping about and his hooves scraping the floor erratically.  A quick glance at him told me that he wasn’t even standing up.  He was still shaking his head as though he was trying to clear his head.

“What’s wrong?” I felt David start to push back up and roughly shoved him back down, “You move another inch and I’ll burn you alive.”

~Destroy him!~

~I said shut up!~

“I can’t see!” Storm cried, the horror welling in his voice.

“Duh.” Damn it, my mouth got ahead of my brain.  Again.  I really need to get a filter installed.

His fear was only offset by his frustration from having to deal with me. “No, you idiot!  I can’t even fly!  I don’t have any magic!”

Just then, I felt a hand wrap around the hoof holding David down and was struck with the familiar sensation of abundant electricity.  I yelled out in pain before turning my gaze back down at my assailant.  I ignited my fire shield, spicing it up with a bit of The Nightmare’s shadow magic.  Magic that I now knew how to use.  It turned the flames violet and crimson rather than turquoise and bright red but more importantly, it caused David to cry out in pain and yank away his hand.  It was then he realized that he wasn’t on as much of an even footing as he thought.

He uttered something fearfully in a language that I did not recognize in the slightest.  I did, however, recognize the tone and inflection of a curse muttered in fear, much like a human might say ‘Oh God’ or something.  David, to put it in layman’s terms, was out of tricks.

~He seeks to destroy all that you love, Human!  Take his life if only to protect those around you!~

~I swear to God, I already regret not choking you to death in that cell!  Shut.  Up.~

Despite my words, I was letting the fire aura grow and swirl around us.  David’s eyes were wide with fear.  He used what I assumed was Storm Wing’s stolen magic to create a tumultuous lightning shield about himself but as the dark flames swirled around him, I could see it struggling to maintain its form.

~You hate him as much as I do!  Let it go!  Strike him down!  Revel in his destruction!~

~Sure thing, Palpatine.  Maybe next I’ll release my rage or perhaps I’ll give in to the Dark Side.~

David’s defenses began to falter and I could see the fear in his eyes grow.  He grabbed at my hoof holding him down.  Even through all the pain it caused him, he did everything he could to save himself.  He tried to drain me, but immediately back peddled when I began to feed him the entropic shadow magic.  He tried to electrocute me again, but the aura dulled it to a slight tingling sensation at best.  Finally, he simply tried blasting away at my face, but The Nightmare had ‘taught’ me how to focus my aura to where his attacks would land, effectively nullifying them.

“No,” he croaked as the terror set in.

He was spent.  And was going to live or die at my call.

Even though The Nightmare wanted him dead more quickly than I was going about it, she still loved the fear he was emitting.

I have to admit, I wasn’t minding it one bit, either.

~Look at him.  He would scream if he thought it would save him.  Tell him to scream.~

I snarled, annoyed with the request.  David’s horrified visage only became more frantic in response.

~You’re sick, you know that?~

~I have suffered at his hand in ways you cannot imagine!  His pain is my pleasure!  Can you not feel his fear?!~

~Bitch, I can taste it on my tongue.  Sweet as it is, I don’t have to like it.~

 ~But despite this, it is to your liking.~

~I am drawing off your knowledge and that’s the only reason you are awake right now.  Don’t make me put you to sleep.~

 ~Fine, just kill him!~

I began to channel the proper spell that would make him vulnerable.  It would also make me vulnerable as well, but without either of our defenses, there was little he could do with an alicorn as large as me holding him down.  It wasn’t noticeable at first, but as I began to feed more power into it, the light from my horn began to intensify.  The green flickering light, the same light used by Luna and Winter Sky, quickly snuffed out my shadow flame as well as David’s shield.

“No,” he spat breathlessly, his hands yanking at my hoof in an attempt to pry it off his chest.

“David, you murderous sonuva bitch,” I snarled angrily, images of all those he had hurt flashing before my eyes.  Images such as Applebloom suffering and Trixie dying.  Fairly certain that was The Nightmare trying to strengthen my resolve.  I’m also fairly certain she was doing a damn good job. “I’ll spare you the monologue and just say it’s been a pleasure doing business.”

~KILL HIM!~

I lifted my other hoof, wrapped in a sharp, unforgiving sabaton.  Without his magic to protect him I would-…

… Apparently get the shit bucked out of me by Commander Starlight.

Our voices cried out in painful harmony as she broke away, standing protectively over David.  The green light had winked out as I flipped back to my hooves in an instant.  It took every ounce of my will to not ash her right away, which was likely something The Nightmare was trying to get me to do.

“Starlight, what the hell are you doing?!” I yelled, furious enough to see nothing but red. “Get out of the way!”

“My Pact bargain was to protect David,” she replied, her voice as calm as could be. “I don’t break my word just because it suits my fancy.  He spared Hot Shot a terrible fate.”

“He tricked you into giving yourself to him, you stupid girl!” I snapped, reaching a hoof up to rub the spot on my neck where she had collided with me before continuing, “Not to mention Hot Shot would have been free a few hours later without that thing’s help!”

She shook her head softly, not taking her bright red eyes off of us.

“Semantics,” she said without so much as a blink of her eyes. “He did not make The Nightmare take Hot Shot and he did not make me take the deal.  I gave him my word.  I was of sound mind and of free will.  He did not coerce me, he simply made his offer and let it be known that I was free to take it without fear of retribution.  Convenience is no excuse to simply throw away my integrity.  It may not be within the word of my Pact to attempt the impossible by standing in your path, but it is in the spirit of it.

“In short, Firewall, you will have to go through me.”

She lifted her wings as energy twisted violently about her, crackling in such a way that she could only mean business.  I roared at her as fire and shadows erupted from within me, swirling and dancing about the room.  I watched as David started to get up and thought I might have a shot after all.  Starlight, on the other hand, was too smart for that, and pushed him back to the floor with a rear hoof.  She stared at me and defiantly stood in my way, daring me to strike.  I tried to cast a spell to knock her out or move her aside but the spell fizzled out, disrupted by the electromagic around her.

The long and short of it:  She was going to make me kill her if I wanted to get to David.  Or rather, she was using herself to prevent me getting to David, assuming I didn’t have it in me to cut her down.

She was right.

“God damn it,” I sighed and lowered my head. “Starlight, he’s going to make you regret this.”

She made some sort of a shocked reply, but I couldn’t hear her.  I couldn’t even bother to answer her.  I was too busy suddenly dealing with pain that lanced through every nerve in my body and every one of my senses.  I fell to my knees in shock, my eyes wide with realization

The Nightmare was fighting back.

~Kill her!  KILL THEM BOTH, HUMAN!~

~No, she’s an innocent!  I’m not going to kill her just because she has a sense of duty!~

I tried to shut her out, but it wasn’t having near the effect I would have liked.

~She is playing you for the fool!  It is not wrong to fight for your beliefs!  That is from your own mouth!~

~And I believe killing someone innocent is wrong!  Back off!~

 ~You swore!~

~No, I didn’t!  I didn’t even say I would take out David!  I wanted to do it, but not if it means committing murder!~

~It’s not murder!  She places herself in danger!  She is accountable for her actions!~

~I’m not going to lawyer around my rules just so I can feel better about murder.  The answer is no.~

~TRAITOR!  TRAITOR!  YOU’RE JUST LIKE HIM!~

~That’s it, you’re going in the box.~

~I perfected domination a millennium ago!  You think I’m truly defenseless against it?  Think again!~

The shadows swimming throughout the air suddenly twisted and sped towards Starlight.  She stood her ground defiantly, despite there being nothing she could do to stop it.

~If you will not uphold your end of the deal, then I will do it for you!~

“NO!” I cried out.

Without missing a beat, David threw Starlight off of him and held his hand out.  With only a fraction of a second to spare, a wave of crackling light rippled forth and dispersed the shadows.  His arm dropped numbly to the ground.  He was nearly spent.  I wrestled with The Nightmare, but she was better at this game.  Even through my resistance, she was able to take another shot at David.  He was conscious enough, though, to roll out of its path.

~I am such an idiot for having done this.  Flora warned me I couldn’t trust you.  I was too stupid to listen.~

~A deceiver I might be, but I hold true to my agreements.  You, however, are just another gutless betrayer that I will crush beneath my will!~

~Another B-Villain line like that and you’re going to need a grater for all that cheese and a taco to put it on.~

As condescending as I was playing it, I could still feel the control slipping.  She was winning and I knew that there would be no stopping her once she had command.  Her mind may have been incomplete, but that only made focusing her will so much easier.  There were no inhibitions or sense of shame to make a mind like hers think about the consequences of her actions.  She was strength-of-will incarnate.

~Don’t fret.  When it’s over, you’ll sleep for eternity.  You’ll have passed on without having died.  Not many can make such a claim.  It’s for the best.  After I’ve finished David, there are a few princesses to visit some vengeance upon and I doubt you will want to witness it.~

Man, was she really stretching that villain stereotype.  I mean, I had an ace in the hole and such, but I was sorta afraid of using it.  I just didn’t know what it would do to me.  After that, though?  Yeah, I couldn’t take the chance and I felt even stupider for having taken things this far to begin with.

~That’s assuming I let you get that far.~

~As though you could stop me!  You possessed me!  That defense David gave you doesn’t work both ways!  You are finished, Human!~

~I can’t stop you.  But I know someone who can.~

“David, separate us!” I cried, my voice battling with the twisted scream of The Nightmare.

He struggled to his knees and looked up at me in both shock and confusion.  As soon as he got to his feet though, I pulled my ace and gambled on a stretch.

~Hah!  That was your plan?  Maybe if you had not revealed your hand so early-…~

The spell I used to block The Nightmare before may not have been a viable option.  However, there was one last spell I could call on.  I believe I called it the Best Spell Ever when I first used it and to this day, it still holds that title in my heart.  I put everything I had into that last ditch effort.  Ironically, the moment I did, I lost all control and The Nightmare now had me locked inside.

“I have won!” she shrieked with glee, flaring out her wings before throwing her head back in triumphant laughter.

And just like that, all the fire and shadows winked right out.

Both The Nightmare and David blinked in confusion.  It didn’t take David long to figure it out at least; what with having a bright glowing red and blue shield on my forehead to give it away.

Yeah, it was the spell I had cast on Luna to lock her ‘demons’ away.  I figured it was a huge stretch and a stupid gamble, but really, spells do what you want them to.  I figured it wasn’t too difficult to tweak the spell to work on actual demons –metaphorically speaking, that is– instead of inner demons.  While I may not have been an actual demon, I figured an intruder of the mind and body would count.  And I was right.  --Damn, it feels good to say that.--

So I sealed myself inside of The Nightmare.

Along with all of my power.

“Brilliant,” he murmured, suddenly dashing forward before The Nightmare could recover from the shock.

She recovered pretty quickly, though.  She didn’t figure out what had happened, but she knew that she couldn’t let David touch her if she wanted to keep her power –useless as it was at the time—.  She hopped back and went to gallop away.

She only made it two steps before being stopped dead in her tracks thanks to Storm Wing grabbing onto her tail with his mouth.  Even blind and without magic, the little pony was still ten times as strong as he looked.

The Nightmare bucked him twice in the face, but he didn’t even wince.  She stared at him in horror and tried bucking again, much to the same effect.  Storm’s the real deal; I don’t know why she thought she could hurt him that way.  Some crazy skank ain’t got the brand of pain it takes to outstubborn the little bastard.

~Hah!  @#$! you, Nightmare!  In the words of M. Night: ‘What a tweeeeeeest!’~

She inhaled to do that stupid Darth Vader yell she does when she realizes she’s been defeated but thank Celestia!  She never got the chance.  David closed the last of the distance and laid his hands on her flank without a moment’s hesitation.  Same result as before.  This time, however, pain shot throughout my body as I was flung from The Nightmare’s body.  Or my body, depending on how you look at it.

I rolled a few times after impact, leaving a trail of blood behind me as I went.  Yup.  That hole was still there.  Possessing ponies doesn’t heal you.  Just healing.  As much as that sucks.

“Shit,” I coughed, staring at the ceiling.

No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

“Luck must be on my side,” David murmured as he approached me. “Starlight, make sure The Nightmare doesn’t go anywhere.  She’s rather helpless at the moment, so you shouldn’t have any trouble.”

I tried to glare at him, but I didn’t have the strength.  I was tired, in pain, and I had utterly failed to take either David or The Nightmare permanently out of the picture.

At least directly, anyway.

“Don’t count your… blessings just yet, Davie,” I muttered bitterly, “You’re not out of the woods.”

He sighed softly as he knelt down beside me, “I know.  You may not have defeated me directly, but you’ve made certain that I won’t stand a chance against Luna and Celestia when they arrive.  In my current state, Twilight Sparkle could likely be able to finish the job.”

That made me smile a bit.  Just a little.

“You are smarter and tougher than you look, I will give you that much,” he glanced down at my hand, which was busy covering my brand new orifice, “At least I did not have to kill anyone today.”

I lazily blinked at him, not quite understanding.  Without explaining, he gently removed my hand, causing me to wince a bit as pressure released from it.  Still wordlessly, he held the same hand over the wound and with a pitiful grunt, mustered up a small shining sphere.  The blue twinkling light gently floated like a feather down into my body.

“It’s not much.  Really all I could do,” his voice sounded a tad more strained than it had a few seconds ago, “But it’ll keep you from dying.  I don’t know any other way to heal you than this, though.”

I really didn’t understand anymore.  So rather than reply, I just blinked again.

“Just granting you the barest amount of regeneration.  It’s not like you need another power, really, but I’d rather you have it and not die than not have it and think of myself as a murderer from now on.  Also, seeing as how you were gracious enough to not kill the only Pony brave enough to stand by her Pact in every sense of the word,” he said with a shake of his head. “I’m really too nice for my own good.”

“Yeah, whatever, I’m sure you’ll get a call for that Nobel any second now,” I coughed.  Already I felt less nauseous but it wasn’t doing anything for the pain, “So, what now?”

“Do not worry about that,” he said pointedly, “Get some rest, it will be a little while before anything happens and you could still end up killing yourself if you try to move around again.  Besides, you look like you could use it.”

And that was the first thing I think David and I ever agreed on.

* * *

I woke up with a loud yawn and wished I hadn’t.  Mostly because there were several things wrong with this picture.

1.        I still had a hole in my gut.  Granted, it wasn’t as big, but I still had one and I didn’t like it.

2.        My hands and feet were all individually bound to metal rings that were all attached to the floor.

3.        I was hungry as hell.

4.        I was still in that stupid cathedral room.

Four!  Four things wrong with this picture!  Ah-Ah-Ah!  Insert thunder here.

“The hell?” I groaned, giving my bonds a testing tug.

“Firewall?” Stormwing called out.

“Prince Jackpony?”

I looked around to see him leashed to the large table like a dog.  No doubt that small chain was stronger than it looked, but still.  The poor stallion looked like a pet.

“You would crack a joke in a situation like this,” he snarled, turning away from me and following his chain back to its ring buried within the stone.

“I’m consistent,” I assured him, letting out a chuckle before hissing at the pain it caused, “Screw Prince Storm Wing and everything he stands for.”

“Right now, I stand for us getting out of here.” He glanced back at me upon hearing my pain. “You against that, too, smart guy?”

I coughed with a slight whimper. “Well, there are... certain exceptions to... every rule.”

“Stop talking, you’re obviously hurting yourself,” he ordered.

I ignored his request and continued to harass him, “Hey, Storm.  Remember when I said you weren’t blind until I could make faces at you and you couldn’t see them?”

He blinked in confusion before glaring angrily at the floor and kicking at his chain.

“If I ever get my eyes back, Firewall, I swear, you’re going to be the first one to know!” he snapped, his anger more exaggeration than genuine. “Because I’m going to find you, and when I do… Oh, I will introduce you to pain.”

“We’re already well acquainted.” I whispered as I gave one of my bonds a yank, causing my wound to remind me I just needed to stop doing just about everything.

“Agh!  Hell,” I croaked, “She’s in bed with me right now.  Having her way with me.”

Storm’s voice was wrought with concern, which I found rather touching. “Are… … Are you alright?”

“Yeah.  It’s not as bad as it was.” I turned my head back towards him with a smile. “Thanks for asking.”

“Not that I actually care or anything.” He turned his head away before flopping down onto the floor.

“Now you sound like me,” I replied, still smiling at him even if he couldn’t see me.

“You might be rubbing off a little,” he admitted as he shut his eyes, his voice now quieter, “Second time I’ve failed.  I’m sorry, Firewall.

I sighed softly and turned my head towards the ceiling.  I felt tears trying to escape and didn’t have the will to stop them this time.

“Not your fault, Storm.” I murmured loud enough for him to hear me, “Should have just escaped with the others instead of trying to be the big hero.”

“Should have waited on Luna instead of trying to do the same thing,” he replied. “Ahhh...  I let myself get caught like that.”

“So we’re not perfect and suck at saving the day.  Well... You suck more, seeing as how it took you all of what... four minutes to get taken down?”

“Are you within reach of my hoof?” he snarled suddenly before feeling around.  I thought he was looking for me but he found something just as good.  A small rock.

Ah hell, this was likely going to s-*THWACK!*

“Ow!” I whined, the rock having bounced right off my bad ribs with accuracy not befitting that of a blind pony, “Damn it, I’m hurt enough!”

He smiled, “Glad to see my aim is still as good as it once was.”

“You were adopted!” I snarled spitefully, even though there was absolutely no way that line would actually insult him.  So before he could respond --he was busy laughing-- I decided to change the subject, “How’d you find me, anyway?”

After finishing laughing at me --ass-- he sighed and gave a helpless wingshrug.

“Was on my way back to Canterlot.  Found Trixie and Applebloom on the outskirts of Canterlot.  They were all unconscious.  I couldn’t carry them both, so I took Applebloom back to Ponyville and Redheart.” He gave his chain a few more fruitless, halfhearted tugs before frowning and settling back down on the stone floor.

“She woke up before I got there and told me I had to come here to save you.  I told Twilight where I was going, why, and where to find Trixie and Azure Flora.  Applebloom claimed they helped, so I made sure to mention that, too.  I figure the cavalry will be coming any minute now.”

“Indeed, they will,” David interrupted as he approached, entering by way of the door that Flora and I had used when I had first seen this place.  You know what’s strange about this guy?  His footsteps don’t make any noise.  Creepy. “We’ve less than half an hour before they arrive, even.  So why don’t we get straight to business.  Otherwise you won’t catch that ride home, Stephen.”

I’m not going to lie, guys.  David looked pleased as punch.  Like a man who was determined to enjoy the last few moments of his life.

Storm snarled, facing David’s general direction.  He was a tad confused, and thus questioned me in a low voice. “Who’s he talking about?”

“Me.  Stephen is my Christian name.” I sighed softly, “He wants to send me back to Earth.”

He blinked before blurting out loud, “What!?  Why!?”

“Because I’m sexier than he is and he’s jealous about it!” I drolled dramatically, “How would I know?  David, why are you sending me home?”

“I don’t have time to make you understand,” he said with a sigh, “Accept my word that it’s for the greater good.”

As we spoke, he began circling me.  As he did, he lifted his hand and created, in his palm, a small colorless crystal the size of one’s fist.  It was shaped erratically and had a few holes of varying sizes smoothly bored all throughout it.  The light danced off it’s smooth sides and when David relinquished his grasp on the glass-like object, it hovered in the air.  It didn’t move save for a slow rotation.

“Your greater good, no doubt.” I snapped, ignoring the object for now.

He smirked with a roll of his eyes, but didn’t bother dignifying that with a verbal answer.  Instead, he just set another one of his crystalline toys in the air, whereupon it stubbornly told gravity where it could go shove its law.  This one was more curved and fluid than the last, but still colorless and transparent.

“Yeah.”  I rolled my eyes before suddenly being struck with another question, “So what was all that about conquering Equestria?”

“Conquering Equestria would have just made my long term goal easier,” he spoke reassuringly as he continued to set the small trinkets around me. “Rest assured, though, it’s only been for the good of all.  It’s not some shallow power play, if that’s what you’re worried about.  I’m just trying to protect this land and so many things are falling down around me at once.  Even now, I’m fairly certain that it’s a lost cause, but I must try.  Equestria means no less to me than The Nightmare.”

“What are you talking about?” Storm Wing demanded, oblivious to the creation of the crystals.

I blinked before glancing at him, “Uhh… Which part?  He referenced a lot of stuff there.”

“Tell me...” Storm started to say before David interrupted him.

“I’m sorry, but I simply do not have time,” he declined with a flippant wave of his hand, “You may ask me after the princesses no doubt show up to take me into custody.  It’s not as though I will have the strength to resist them, thanks to both your efforts.”

He must not know how quickly Luna can lose her temper.

“If they don’t execute you first,” I sneered.

David smiled rather knowingly. “Oh, I doubt they’ll go that far.”

After materializing a dozen or so of the oddly shaped crystals, he began to stir his finger in the air.  His digit left a soft blue light trail in it’s wake and as if responding to his motions, the rotating crystals began to revolve around me.

“Princess Celestia may not.” Storm Wing leaned his head over his shoulder and began to --I kid you not-- casually preen the feathers of his left wing. “But Luna will definitely rip you apart if you send Firewall away.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty... crazy like... that?” Even with the weird light show and the spinning, circling crystal trick, Storm Wing fussing over his feathers like a bird was most definitely the strangest thing in the room.

“Little Luna?  Driven to murder?  On your account?” David actually snorted, as though such an idea were about as laughable as a tough warrior prince pegasus snuffling about in his feathers. “Forgive me if I don’t take you seriously.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.” I had to force myself to look away from Storm, lest I stare at him for the next several hours.

I finally was able to put it out of my mind and looked up at David “I mean, she’ll definitely beat the hell out of you, but yeah… she probably won’t kill you.  Maybe.”

“Your humor is usually more emphatic and noticeable.” He arched an eyebrow, still smirking at me, “You almost sound serious.”

“He’s being serious.” Storm’s voice was muffled inside of his wing. “You might not know this but Luna’s rather fond of him?”

“Oh?  How fond?”

I sighed in remorse. “She told me she loved me the day you abducted me.”

“You’re lying,” he said without a moment’s hesitation.

Storm Wing was no longer interested in David or his stupid wing.  Instead, he turned his head towards me and blinked, a tad dumbfounded.  Either that or he just always looks that stupid.

Yeah, probably that.

“She said that?  Did you say it back?” he asked.

I grimaced, more than a little upset with my honest answer.   Upset or not, though, I still gave it to him.

“No, I was too scared,” I admitted as I glanced at him.

He rolled his blind eyes and sighed impatiently at me. “You’re such a filly.”

“I know!  I totally should have said it!” I’d have hit my head with my the heel of my hand if I could.

“You should have,” he agreed, “Idiot.”

“You both can stop the act whenever you like.  It is not convincing me.”

Despite his words, David’s expression did seem a bit pensive.  As though he were running through a checklist of facts that were proving us wrong.  He must not have been especially sold on those facts.  I was judging this based on the way his eyes darted about, lost in thought.

“Yeah, okay, genius.” I smiled up at him, letting my attitude shine with confidence, “It’s not like you’ve ever been wrong about anything except EVERYTHING.”

He snapped out of his deep thought as a ringing sensation came to my ears.

“Luna is under a lesser variant of the Naiveté Song.” His voice was quite matter of fact, as though his beliefs were above reproach. “There is no possible way she could have fallen in love.  The only ponies not affected by the Song are the Archons, Azure Flora, and Trixie.  No other pony has the potential to fall in love.  The ones that are courting or married now are simply that way because I...”

Storm Wing let out an annoyed groan, interrupting David’s speech.  David scowled a tad at the interruption, muttering something under his breath that I couldn’t make out for the damn ringing in my ears.  

Now giving it more attention, I noted that it seemed a little louder.  But only because it was actually getting louder as time passed.  Without ever pausing, the ringing became louder, more defined.  As they spoke, it was well on its way to becoming a melodious, reverberating whistle.

“Does he always talk like he knows everything?” Storm sneered at our captor.

I nodded, and then felt stupid for nodding for Storm’s benefit. “Yup.  He thinks just because he built the place that it belongs to him.  He’s got some god complex or something.  You guys hear that?”

“You make a lot of assumptions, Stephen.” His smile was crooked and entirely without humor. “I hope you never find out just how wrong you are.  But if you do, you’re going to be doing a lot of apologizing.”

“Right right, apologizing,” I nodded, still distracted by the whistle that seemed to come from everywhere at once. “Seriously, you guys don’t hear that?”

As soon as I had said it, though, I came to the discovery that it was the crystals.  They were spinning quickly enough to move the air through their holes and create a soft, perfectly smooth whistling.

“Oh.” I stared at them as they hypnotically circled around me. “Those’re noisy.”

Before anyone could ask me to clarify on that, a loud thundering crash came from outside.  David blinked and shut his eyes for a few seconds before spitting what was likely a curse in that language of his.  He shook his head and opened his eyes with a sense of urgency.  Without any hesitation, he began to circle me, swivelling the floating whistle-thingies in what looked to be a deliberate pattern that only he could recognize.

“I’m going to have to cut this short.  Stephen, I apologize in advance, but this isn’t going to be comfortable,” he muttered under his breath, "Maybe if I had some more time, I would be able to make things easier on you, but with time constraints the way they are, I'm going to have to go with a temporary solution.  I'll make it up to you the moment I can."

"Oh, by all means," I grunted sarcastically, the whistling of the small crystal glasses suddenly harmonizing and thrumming together in an almost song-like pattern. "Still no way I can talk you out of this, is there?"

"David, we're not lying to you.  Luna is going to hurt you for this and there are going to be a lot of ponies that might consider getting in line behind her." Storm pointed out, trying to sound calm and collected. "You're going to regret this."

David stood up and gave his work a once over before nodding.

"It's a little too late to go back now,” he replied without so much as a blink, “A lot more is riding on this than you might think.”

With that, he threw his hands to the side as if he were spinning the wheel on a game show and the floating crystals responded by rotating with his movements.  He repeated the gesture a few times, accelerating the little glass instruments.  Their harmonized whistling suddenly began to fluctuate and began to play out a song.  As they did, they left different colored lights in their wake and began to pick up speed.  Before long, their velocity had increased to the point where their cacophony of colors blended into a blinding white light.

Then, without warning whatsoever, my head began to throb as though someone had bypassed my skull and went straight to crushing my frontal lobe.  At first I tried to shut my eyes and tough it out.  That didn’t last long.  What started out as a migraine soon became a stupefying torrent of agony.  I was gasping before I knew it and as the sensation intensified, I soon found I didn’t have the strength to even properly scream.

“David, stop this!  You’re hurting him” Storm... Storm ‘Something’ called out.  Couldn’t remember his whole name.  Sue me.

“I wish I had a choice,” I heard David reply.

Somewhere, I could hear a explosion burst into the room.  I opened my eyes, the pain somehow dulling as I did.  

Where the hell was I?

Someone standing beside me.  Some geek looking like Daniel Radcliffe.  Why was I chained to the floor?  Why did my head hurt?

Where was I?  Looked like Gothic meets Catholic.  Gatholic?

Holy shit, there was a pegasus chained to the floor over there!  Or maybe a baby pegasus.  Poor guy would have looked cute if he didn’t look so furious.

“Firewall!” I heard a voice cry out.  A familiar voice.  I couldn’t place it.  I couldn’t place much of anything with the echoes of pain distracting me.

Wait... I knew that voice.

“David, mark my words,” I heard her --It sounded like a her, anyway-- say. “Let him go or you will regret it.”

Harry Potter sighed, “I cannot do that, Princess Luna.  There are many reasons for which I do this.  I’m sorry.”

Princess Luna?

I looked over to see an indigo pegasus with a unicorn horn and a black breast plate that sported thick white moon cut into a crescent.  There was a white pegasus, also with a horn of her own standing behind her, though she was much larger and had floaty Neapolitan ice cream for a mane.  They stared at me with concern.  Like, the kind of concern that you stare at a family with when you’re watching them do dangerous stunts that could easily get them killed.  In fact, they looked downright terrorized.  Especially the smaller bluish-purple one.  She must have been a kind soul to regard a stranger like that.

Nah, she was probably a sarcastic little troll that would take every opportunity to harass the hell out of me.  Even if she didn’t love me.  I bet sh... Wait.  

She loves me...?

Oh my god, it was Luna.  How could I have forgotten Luna?

I love her.

Wait, what...?  Why am I forgetting...?

The whistling melodic crystal thingamajigs began to flare even more brightly.  Without any regard for herself, Luna broke out into a sprint, her horn shining brightly as she made for me.  I could feel the chains on my wrists and ankles straining, trying to tear apart.

I glanced at David who frowned at me before shutting his eyes, “I am sorry.”

I looked over at Luna as the twisting circle of light began to reach its peak.  I realized I might not get the chance to say what I felt ever again.

I know, it was straight out of bad romance novel.

“Firewall!” she screamed for me.

“Luna!  I lov-...” I started to call out to her, but everything suddenly went blank.  I don’t know where I was, but it wasn’t... there.  I couldn’t see, hear, or feel anything.  Like I was in some sort of Limbo.

And that was the last thing I remember.

I love you, Luna.

Chapter 15 Sneak Peak!

“ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

-

“Where is he!?”

“Safe.”

“Tell me where he is or I won’t be able to say the same for you!”

-

“I’m a warrior of my word.  I can’t step aside.”

-

“Is Firewall... gone?”

“I don’t know.”

“He’ll be coming back though, right?”

“I don’t know.”

“He’ll be back before you know it!  He’d never forget us!”

“Pinkie... I don’t know.  David did something to him.  I don’t think he ever remembers being here.”

-

“Get up, David.”

“Princess, you honor me with your presence.  I’m afraid I can’t say how long it’s been.  You’ve left me here for quite some time.”

“Be grateful I’ve not done worse.”

“Of course.  And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?”

“We’re going to make a deal, you and I.  And I brought the Codex to make it happen.”

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter One:  Your Body Is Not Ready...

By CardsLafter

Best Viewed Through Google Chrome...

Gentlecolts, I have but one question for you.

What is normal?

Is it doing what comes natural to you?  Because I gotta tell you, there are plenty of people that do just that and still get tagged as deviants.

Is it holding up your local status quo?  I don’t think that’s quite right either.  I mean, think about it for a moment.  In America, that’s getting a full-time job (or two (or three)) and supporting/contributing in some fashion towards your own care and/or the care of others.  In certain parts of Africa, people would look at you funny for that.

You want to know what I think normal is?  It’s the setting on my dryer back on Earth.  That’s about as defined as normal gets for me.  See also:  Standard setting.

Why am I asking you this?  Not certain other than I want to give you a frame of reference for what is normal.  Because I’m about to jump into the far reaches of abnormal.

Now brace yourself for it.  Take a deep breath through your nose, enter a state of zen, and let it out through your flapping lips.  Don’t clench!  I woke up in a cartoon.  Wait, it gets better.  It wasn’t just any cartoon.  It was the cartoon to end all cartoons.  No, not Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Let me take you back to what was happening last.  Let’s see, I was drinking a lovingly made martini whilst partying up at my stepsister, Michelle’s, birthday bash.  As was normal for her, rather than enjoy her own damn birthday, she was instead running damage control or something she felt was important.  We actually got into a fight about it and I ended up walking out.  Last thing I remember was leaving the party only slightly inebriated.  Passed my own personal drunk test, even.  Well, I never made it to my car.

Let me rephrase that:  I don’t ever remember making it to my car.  Because on the way there, I fell asleep.  And woke up in the cartoony central square of a town called Ponyville.

Yeeaaahhh...  It went a little something like this:

Bird was tweeting.  I’m not sure what he was tweeting.  I was quite certain, however, that I wasn’t subscribed to his channel, so I’m not sure why he had to let me know about it.  But he was.  And unfortunately, it was grating on my slowly awakening nerves.  I opened my eyes and regretted that damn near instantly!  It was bright out!  I mean, not sun bright that seems to coat everything in a blinding layer of blinding white.  No.  Everything was bright.  Brightly colored.

I slammed my poor orbs shut and whimpered before rolling over.  I would not let the bright colors defeat me.  I tried opening them ag-GAHOKAYCOLORSWIN!

I had lost the battle with bright colors.  I didn’t even know what the colors were.  I just knew they were incredibly bright and I was incredibly tired.  Maybe I could get some more rest and try again tomorrow.  Yeah.  That sounded reasonable.

Then that damnable bird started up again.  Oh bird.  Just you wait.  There would be a reckoning.  I was about to get me some brand spankin’ new feathers for my dream catcher back home.  Okay.  For the bird-related vengeance.  Let’s try this.  One.  Last.  Time.

Bllllargh~!  My poor defenseless eyes!  I did it though.  I opened them fully.  I made those suckers stay open.  They watered and burned as though they were on fire, but that’s okay.  I beat the colors for the sake of fowl destruction. Oh-ho, but there would be a reckoning.  A reckoning indeed.  Right after this cigarette.

Yes, I smoke.  I’m not apologizing.  It’s an addiction.  I feed it to prevent slaughter on a genocidal scale.  Therefore, every time I light up, I’m taking one for the team.  I am so freaking selfless, I know.  You just can’t handle this brand of awesome selflessness.  But there it is.  You’re welcome.  No no, don’t applaud.  Just send cash.

So yeah, I lit up this awesome cigarette as part of my morning ritual -- See averting genocidal tendencies -- before rolling back over and pushing myself up off the ground.

Okay, I’m up, I thought to myself. Phase one of destroy annoyingly loud featherduster complete.  Initiate phase two.

Find a rock.  Rock rock rock.  I began to look about at the ground.  When did Michelle paint her lawn bright neon green?  Rock!  Phase two complete!  I looked up towards the source of the sound before grabbing the rock and casting about for the target.  It took me a few seconds, but I eventually spotted my victim atop a two-story Bavarian-style house with blindingly bright pink shutters, brown-red planking and pastel yellow walls.  I spared enough thought towards the building to figure some rich idiot paid a ridiculous amount of money to have it built in the center of town.  The rest of my thought however, focused on the rock.

“Fly true, weapon of salvation!” I yawned irritably before chucking the rock at the bird.  As soon as I did though, the bird dropped a few priorities on my mental list.  See, I expected to see a hand to throw the rock.  I didn’t get a hand.  No, I got something else.  Something that just... It just wasn’t normal in the slightest.

I got a hoof.  This, in turn, made my jaw drop as I brought it closer.  I was so freaking absorbed in staring at that hoof.  I didn’t even react to the rock bouncing back off the building and smacking me right atop my head.  I mean, I reacted after it cleaned my clock, sure.  But before that I was derpin’ out over the hoof that stubbornly insisted to exist where my right hand should have been.

“Gah!  Sunova...” I hissed, rubbing the throbbing bump with my other hoof before realizing I indeed had a second hoof.

Hooves.  I checked them.  They were hooves.  Definitely hooves.  Ash-gray hooves to be exact.  I could tell from the pixels and having seen quite a few hooves in my day.  I compared them.  One hoof.  Two hoof.  Hoovsies.  Woah.

I looked myself over as I took another drag off my cigarette.  Oh but yes.  It was true.  I was a buckmothering pony.  Oh.  My.  Gawd.

My hooves were just a shade darker than my coat, which was charcoal-gray.  And my tail!  It was… Well, it looked like the colors of a butane lighter, to be exact.  The center of the wild, fluffy thing was bright neon blue.  The edges of it cut off abruptly cut off into a bright fiery red.

That must mean... I started to think to myself before looking back at the un-freaking-reasonably bright Bavarian abode before me.

I began to hyperventilate.  I’m sorry, just... just bear with me here.  I know.  I was definitely overreacting, but just... It was Sugarcube Corner that I was sitting in front of, okay?  I was excited.  Why, you might ask?

I’m a brony.  Yes, you heard me.  An honest-to-God brony.

Now, that means completely different things depending on whom you ask.  If you ask the mouth-breathing idiots at Faux Fox News, a brony is a fat, tt middle-aged loser that draws in social security and does nasty things when thoughts of ponies enter his mind.  If you ask an overprotective backwater parent, bronies are a group of pedophiles that creep around the internet and they will urge you to hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husbands cuz they rapin’ ev’rybody out here ya’ll.  If you ask some insecure homophobic Neanderthal, a brony is a load of four-letter words and quite a few three-letter ones, to boot!

However, if you (God forbid) do the sensible thing and ask someone in the know... Say, perhaps... an actual brony?  Maybe you will find out the truth.  They’re just normal people with abnormal enthusiastic hobbies.  The only difference is rather than do something socially acceptable, they instead disregard the status quo and direct their enthusiastic tendencies towards the latest generation of the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Holy shit, that’s just going too far!  We can’t have normal people doing things they want to do!  That’s just wr-... I’m ranting.  Apologies.

Where was I?  Oh.  Right.  Sugarcube Corner.  Pinkie Pie’s place of business.  Partnered with Missus and Mister Cake.  She’s like... critical to the show.  Now, that’s not what I was thinking at the moment.  My current line of thought was more along the lines of SUGARCUBE CORNER!  OH MY GAWD!  RIGHT HERE!  I NEED IT!

Like I said, hyperventilation began to set in and I began to get dizzy from unintentionally rapid smoking.  That was probably the only thing that kept me from running around in circles and crying happily as I soaked myself in the wonderful rays of Celestia’s Equestrian sun.

Oh yes, it was true.  I was in Equestria.  Oh.  Oh, this was a happy day.  So much to do.  Geek talk with Twilight.  Party with Pinkie.  APPLEBUCKING!  That sounded so incredibly redneck!  Like frog gigging (Yes, that’s an actual thing) or... or mudding!  And still more to do!  Like glomp Fluttershy and wear dresses with Rarity!

Screeeeeeech~!  My brain came to a halt and the rational half took over.

Yes, I am a two-sided coin.  See, that spurt of random giddiness?  That comes from the side I like to call Lafter.  He’s in charge of my insanity, which consumes roughly half of my mental facilities.  The other half, however, is just as strong and is quite capable of taking charge when things get out of hand.  His name is Stoic.  Stoic is the kind of guy that steps in and prevents Lafter from driving me off to Rarity’s Carousel Boutique and trying on a French Maid outfit.  He was quick to point out that there were likely other ways to spend time with Rarity that didn’t involve crossdressing.  Lafter pointed out that we would look damn good, no matter what we wore.  Stoic agreed.

What can I say?  I set the bar for self-confidence.

Before Lafter could respond to that, Stoic locked him away in the time-out box and proceeded to advise me in an entirely reasonable fashion.  He hates fun things.

Okay, get a grip, I told myself before taking another puff of my cigarette.  You’re obviously having a dream.  Granted, it’s a bloody awesome dream, but it’s a dream nonetheless.  No reason to go into shock just yet.  Enjoy yourself and move on.

Killjoy.  Whatever.  I’ve had lucid dreams before.  I usually screw around for a few minutes before getting bored and creating a tornado before jumping into it like a madman.  I’m not easily entertained.  At least not within the confines of my own mind.

“Whatever, let’s just skip to the tornado,” I muttered aloud.  If I couldn’t meet the real ponies, I didn’t want to torture myself by pretending to meet them.  So instead, I just threw my ‘hooves’ forward and yelled out, “TORNADO TIME!”

Imagine the disappointment when I didn’t get my wish.  Bah.  Nonsense.  Try again.

“TORNADO TIME!!!” I roared, dramatically throwing out my hooves yet again.

Something happened this time.  However, it was not a tornado.  Instead, a window on one of the nearby buildings popped open to reveal a magenta p-OMGITWASBERRYPUNCH!

Easy, killer, Stoic reminded me.  Initial tests suggest this might not be a dream.  Just play it cool.

Playing it cool involved my eyes slowly widening as though they were being inflated.

She was glaring down from her second story window, her bleary eyes angrily fixed upon me.  Whether she was hung over or just waking up, I couldn’t tell.  Probably both. I stared back, my jaw slowly falling open yet again as I took in the sight of my first pony.  My cigarette fell out of my mouth.  I want you to know, I take nicotine abuse very seriously.  So for me to just ignore the plummeting cylinder of tobacco… You just had to know me to understand the gravity of that thought.  Waste not.

I don’t want to wake up from this dream, I stated to myself, as well as to both my subconscious halves.

They both agreed.

“Hi!” I enthusiastically waved a hoof up at her.

She glared obstinately at me.  Ruby poked her head up over the window and after taking note of my cheerful greeting, eagerly waved back at me.  Berry Punch yanked her back and glared some more before rudely slamming the window shut.

See?  Overprotective parents hate bronies.  It’s a fact.  They think we touch kids or something.  It sorta evens out though, because bronies find overprotective parents just as creepy/weird, too.  No, that’s not a joke.

With a remorseful sigh I looked about.  It was definitely Ponyville.  The nondescript trees, the impossibly green grass, the crater still smoking just behind where I woke up.  There was no mistak-… Wait a second.

I did a double take and stared at Town Square.  Yup.  There was a big fat crater right in the middle of it.  Luckily it hit Town Square rather than a building or something.  That would have been awful, ruining somepony’s home like that.  Fortunately, all it amounted to was a big nasty scar right in the center of town.  It smelled like brimstone and ashes and the small column wafting from its epicenter did so lazily towards the sky.

Did I do that? I caught myself wondering.  I mean, it was feasible, right?  If this wasn’t a dream, I may have pulled a trope and crashed from the sky.  No wonder Berry Punch was so quick to regard me so suspiciously.  If I reasonably came to this conclusion, then she could definitely do the same and would have all the justification in the world to avoid me.

I picked up my cigarette and took yet another drag.  This… was troublesome.  My first day in Ponyville (assuming I wasn’t crazy/dreaming) and I had already wrecked the place.  Way to go, me!

And then it happened.  Inward crazy panic.  A jumble of thoughts!  A cornucopia of mental chaos erupted from within!  I’m going to list out the insanity rather than try to translate how it actually went.  Trust me, this will make it easier on everyone involved.

-Holy bit, I’m a pony.

-Holy bit, I’m smoking in Equestria!

-I’ve only been here five minutes and I’ve already caused extensive property damage!

-I’m smoking in Ponyville!  I can’t do this!  Think of the ponies!

-How… How did I even light this damn thing?  I don’t have any pockets on me!

-Where’d I even get this damn thing!  I don’t have any pockets on me!

-Disregard nonsense!  Acquire ponies!

-I can’t just go steal ponies!

-Need an ashtray!  Wait no… I need to make sense of this insanity!

-I’m sorry, but you’ve thrown off the Emperor’s Groove.

And then I got thrown out of a window.  Not really, but that’s what happened to the last guy to have that told to him.  Anyway, out of all of that chaos, one thought stood out considerably more than the others.

I need to make sense of this.  Disregard the cigarette, disregard the ponyness, disregard the ashtray, ponynapping, and Disney references.  I needed to get to somepony that could help me.  And the obvious answer was both obvious and exciting.  Just contemplating the idea was raising my blood pressure to unsafe levels.

Go see Twilight Sparkle.

Stoic sat on Lafter’s timeout box to make sure he didn’t get loose (that would have been bad at this stage) and gave me the go-ahead.  With that, I looked around and got a general feel for my surroundings.  After feeding all given information into my mental navigational process, I realized that I both knew where I was and where to go.  I couldn’t help but snicker at the irony of knowing the geographical layout of Ponyville.  I mean, yeah, I may be a brony, but the idea that I watch a show for little girls never ceases to blow my mind.

I shook off the mirth and began to walk.  It was actually quite easy adapting to my new form.  I mean, I wasn’t struggling or anything.  Go figure.  I even figured out how to move my tail.  TAIL!  I swished it back and forth as I walked and felt the urge to squee bubbling forth.

No, no.  Bad Lafter.  Stay in that box.  No freaking out until further notice.

The effort to stem that squee flow took a lot longer than those few sentences may have implicated.  In fact, in the time it took me to force it down, I already had the Ponyville Library in sight.  That started yet another emotional surge that I sadly failed to weather out.  As soon as I set my eyes on that very special tree, I broke out into a sprint gallop.  The grin spreading across my face was inhumanly large, which made perfect sense since I was no longer a human.  I was smiling so hard that it bloody hurt.

I paused just before the door though.  Had to collect myself.  Had to get a grip.  Had to…

The door opened.  I didn’t knock, it just opened.  Out came the coolest dragon ever.  Sure, he may have been a baby.  Yeah, his colors of purple and green may have badly clashed.  True, he was a mere library assistant.  But that didn’t matter.  It was Spike.  And that was all that counted in my book.  Cue the mouth-dropping moment of awesome.

He was carrying a large satchel, entirely bereft of any contents whatsoever.

“Okay, Twilight, anything else?” he called back into the treehouse before turning to see me staring at him like he was made of pure gold.

“No, that should cover it!” a very specific and important voice called back.

 Spike took it all gracefully, which is a lot more than I could possibly say for myself.  My eyes likely did not exude a calm message, but he played it cool, staring right back with an arched eyebrow.

“You uh… You never seen a dragon?” he asked helpfully.

I shook my head.

“You’re not going to run away screaming are you?” he asked, reaching a claw up to scratch his head.

I shook my head again.

“Well, that’s good,” he replied, “I guess.”

I nodded.

His confusion worsened and he turned his head a bit to give me a somewhat skeptical once over. “So uh… I guess I’ll be going now.”

“Kay,” I murmured softly, still praying that this wasn’t a dream.  This couldn’t be a dream.

“Creepy~,” he whispered as he slowly stepped around me.

I watched him leave, keeping my eyes stalkerishly fixed on him.  Oh yeah, I was totally keeping my composure.  Totally.  I sighed as he turned the street corner, now irritated with my inability to keep it together.  With that, I resolved myself to do better with the other purple inhabitant and reached my hoof up to knock on the door.

Yet again, it opened before I could do so.  Or at least the top half did.  However, this time I was within its swinging range and was rewarded with a smack to the face.  Related note:  Twilight opens doors at astounding velocities.  I toppled over and tumbled into Twilight’s lovely flower garden.  It had roses for some reason.  Oh Christ, the thorns.  Why did it have to be roses?!

“Spike, wait!” Twilight hollered from the door before realizing she had struck some poor bastard with it. “Oh!  Oh dear!  I’m so sorry!”

“J-Just kill me… Stop the pain, I beg you,” I whimpered pitifully.

Twilight rushed out to help extract me from the evil, thorn-filled, vile rose bush, apologizing with a fervor rarely seen on Earth.  It took a lot of whimpering, apologies, and agony, but I was eventually extracted from the sadistic shrubbery.  It was not a nice shrubbery.

“Oh my goodness, you’re all scraped up!” Twilight pointed out the obvious.

“Common side effect of being bludgeoned into a rose bush,” I grimaced as I picked up a hoof and took a quick damage report from my entire front leg.  If the rest of my body was as bad off as it was, then I probably looked like shit.  With a capital shit.

“I am so, so very sorry!” she repeated for the umpteenth time.

The pain was already fading.  In fact, it was almost bearable already.  That didn’t make  any sense!  After all one does not simply shrug off an attack from a rose bush, but apparently that was not the case here.  I wasn’t even bleeding.  That, I knew to be freaky.  I’d just dived headlong into a bush full of murderous roses and emerged without a single drop of blood lost.  I guess ponies didn’t bleed?  I mean, I sure as hell never saw them bleed, and I hoped to keep it that way.

“Here, this should help,” Twilight replied as she aimed her horn at me, “Hold still.”

I started to respond, but I was cut off staring at the sparkly pinkish glow that sprung forth.  Before I could react, it washed over me and a moment later, all the scrapes and pain were gone.

Twilight just White Mage’d me.  Technically she Magenta Mage’d me if you wanted to be literal, but still!  How awesome is that!?  Awesome enough to market for a premium, that’s how awesome!!

“Wow that’s… That’s mind blowing,” I muttered as I gave myself another once over. “Wow!  Twilight, that is so OP.”

“How do you kno... Wait, come again?” she tilted her head, both mildly overcome with surprise and confusion, “Oh Pee?  What does that mean?”

I gave a nervous chuckle, “Oh, it just means you are overpowered.  OP.  Makes sense?”

She opened her mouth to speak, but paused and give herself a bit more time to mull that over before raising an eyebrow, “Um... I suppose?  And thank... you... I guess?”

“No problem!” I smiled brightly, before taking another puff of my cigarette.

That’s when I realized I was still smoking.  Right in front of Twilight.  Mortified doesn’t even begin to cover it.  The only thing that could have been worse was being caught naked (which was already happening, technically) or something.  I immediately spat it out onto the ground and gave it an angry stomp before showing her a nervous smile.

And thus began the first of very many looks of suspicion of insanity.  I mean, what Spike had gave me earlier was close, but Twilight must have invested some time in honing her skills.  Skills or not, I was too numb to feel the full effect of such an effort thanks to my nervous system already being flooded with awesome.  I mean, for once in my life, I could say that I was experiencing something that matched the textbook definition of the word.

“Well, if... that’s all, then.” She slowly backed away, moving for the library door.

I panicked a bit, but quickly recovered and did the sensible thing.  Be both honest and earnest.

“W-Wait, Twilight!  It’s really, really important that I speak to you!” I said urgently, my face reflecting my desperation. “Please, I... I’m not from around here and I just... Seriously, you’ve no idea just how crazy this is.”

You know that look when someone you do not want to spend time with legitimately needs your help and you don’t want to be an ass by rejecting them?  Yeah, that was pretty much Twilight’s face.  I knew I had her at that point.  It would just take a little more begging and pleading.  Sometimes, being a psychology enthusiast really pays off.  Don’t bother trying to call me out on it.  Every single person on the planet does it.  The only difference is that I do it actively, rather than subconsciously (kinda like your conniving mother?).

“Look, just let me take a bit of your time.  At the very least, this will probably give you something to talk about later, even if you don’t believe me.” I offered half-seriously, “I’m not kidding, I don’t know who else to turn to.”

Twilight set me with a helpless stare before letting out a resigned sigh and turning back towards her door. “I...  I suppose it’s the least I can do... Seeing as how I hit you with the door and everything.”

I resisted the urge to jump in the air and scream with delight.  Instead, I settled for giving her a grateful smile and nodded with but a single word.

“Thanks.”

She invited me in and offered to get some tea.  She gave me a strange look when I told her I took mine cold as ice with a ridiculous amount of sugar.  Apparently, cold tea was abnormal or something.  Pffft.  Pony stereotypes.  Just wait until I get me some hipster glasses.  I was going to introduce them to so many strange and awesome things.

I hopped up onto a bench, sitting on it exactly as a human would (which is exactly as a pony wouldn’t!) whilst looking about the living room to the library.  It looked almost identical to the show, save for a section in the back that apparently held the kitchen, bathroom, and a staircase leading down into the basement.  Or maybe I had just never seen it from this angle.  Whatever the case, I was mesmerized.  It was a lot bigger than the show made it out to be, and smelled of musty old books and pine sawdust.  With sorta didn’t make any sense, because that was most definitely not a pine tree.  However, it still smelled awesome and I was awestruck nonetheless.

She returned with two cups of hot tea, her soft smile both welcoming and happy.  After setting mine beside me, she took a moment to cast a spell that chilled both the glass and the fluid inside.  Magic.  Oh, but it is awesome.  

I smiled eagerly as she took a bench of her own nearby.  I tried to pick it up with my hooves, but that... Well, it was damned hard is what it was!  I must have fumbled with the stupid thing for a whole minute before Twilight finally came out with the question that I was already anticipating.

“What... What are you doing?” she asked, tilting her head slightly.

I bit my lip and tried one last time, putting extra effort into it, only to end up spilling my cup on the floor.  I could feel the blush burn my face off as I gasped and grabbed my tail to begin mopping up the mess as quickly as I could.

“S-Sorry!”  I cried out, my anxiety just two steps from causing me to have a nervous breakdown.

“D-Don’t use your tail!  We have napkins!” she called out, magicking some in from the kitchen.

“Sorry!” I cried out yet again before grabbing the closest one and slapping it against the offending puddle of cold tea.  Because of my crazed anxiety, all I succeeded in doing was splash some onto my face and generally get it everywhere except into the napkin.

        I glared at the offending napkin-slash-puddle and pursed my lips a bit in irritation, “Really, life?  You do this to me now?  Right when I’m sitting in front of one of the coolest chicks to have ever influenced my existence?  This couldn’t have happened some other time?”

Without looking at Twilight, I snatched the other napkins out of the air and gently placed them over the remainder of the mess before looking up at Twilight with quite possibly the stalest expression ever.

“Well, now that I’m properly mortified and humiliated, I’m going to step outside and calm down before I die of embarrassment.” I said with a flat sigh before turning for the door.  As I approached it, though, I felt a cold chill go throughout my body.

It had a doorknob.

Rather than do something stupid like try to open it with my teeth, I just looked back at her.  I expected yet another strange expression, but she looked more worried for my sake than anything.

“Could you please get the door?  I... I don’t know how to open it,” I explained in a tired voice.

Without saying a word, she magicked it open and let me out.  I exited, my face still burning hot from the shame.  I trotted out a bit to the soft grass of her front yard and flopped down onto it.  Maybe I’ll just... lay here and will myself out of existence or something.  Okay, maybe after a cigarette.

Without thinking about where it was coming from, I pulled out my pack of cigarettes as easily as I would produce them from a pocket.  I blinked before looking at where I pulled them from, just to make sure there wasn’t a hole in my body.  Okay, no, we’re good.  Still, that was somewhat perplexing.  I gave a sigh before glancing back at the pack foiled with silver and teal. I kid you not.  It said ‘Mareboro Smooth 100’ on the front.  That had me brain locked for quite a few seconds.  Finally, I opened the pack only to realize that it was still full, despite me having already snagged a cigarette from it earlier.  Wow.  That part I could totally get used to.  I retrieved a smoke and closed it before putting it away.  Then I realized it just disappeared and I jumped up before looking around frantically.

“Is... Is everything okay?” Twilight asked, apparently having stepped out to check on me.

I continued to search about fruitlessly for a few seconds longer before groaning in irritation and sitting my frustrated plot down.

“No, Twilight!” I huffed, lighting my cigarette before explaining, “Why is everything not alright?  Because I’ve gone insane.  Really, I didn’t think it would take this long, but it’s finally happened just like my dad said it would and now I’ve apparently chosen Ponyville as my Sucker Punch mental escape.  All-in-all, not a bad choice really but c’mon!  I can’t even pick up a goddamn teacup!  Not to mention my first act getting here was apparently to blow up Town Square, which probably isn’t going to win me any points with anypony.  Not to mention the cartoon physics are already screwing with me and somewhere along the line, I turned into a pony!  And to top it all off, I just made a complete jackass of myself using nothing but sugar, water, and boiled frickin’ tea leaves just after getting shoved into a satanic creation that most people know as a ‘Rose bush’!  So no.  Everything is not okay!  I’m not okay!  I’m like, ten different flavors of not-okay!  If the Guiness World Book of Records held a spot in its pages for ‘Not-Okay-In-The-Slightest,’ I think I would have taken the gold, silver, bronze and all the runner-ups!”

I sighed before taking a puff off my cigarette before noticing that it somehow got lit without me thinking out it.  Glaring at the suddenly offensive nicotine stick, I spit it out and accusingly pointed at it with a hoof.

“Mother... And how did I just get that stupid thing lit!?” I hollered in exasperation.

I heard Twilight let out a bemused chuckle before looking up at her with a tired visage.

“You used magic,” she explained as though it were obvious.  She approached with a small towel and levitated it over to my face, wiping off the drying sticky-sweet tea with a relieved sigh.

“Magic?” I repeated dumbly, squinting at the warm-watered towel as she used it to clean off my face.  After getting cleaned up a bit, I gave the still smouldering cigarette a suspicious glare.  I had just used my hoof to bring it to my face and light it.  Was that magic?  Hell, it certainly wasn’t normal but then again, this entire day was straight-up freaky as of yet.  I tried to pick it back up with a hoof, but it was for naught.  Irritation was at an all time high.  Why was it no longer working?

“Mmmhmm!  Magic,” she replied with a sympathetic smile, “Well, at least this explains a lot.  I take it you aren’t really a unicorn, then.”

I blinked in shock.

“A... A uni... Ahem.  Run that by me again, Twilight?”

“Well, you said you got turned into a pony, so I figure you aren’t an actual unicorn.  Or at least, not originally.” She placed a pensive hoof to her chin and stared up as she considered that. “Wow, now that I think about it, transmuting a living creature is not exactly a simple spell.  I’m not even sure I could manage something lik-...”

“No, no.  We’ll get to that next.” I waved a hoof to cut her off. “What did you say I was?  Just to make sure I didn’t mishear you.”

“A unicorn?  A pony with a horn used for focusing magic?” she explained with a slightly doubtful stare, “Wow, you weren’t stretching the truth when you said you weren’t from around here.”

Eyes widened.  Breath came short.  An explorative hoof came to my forehead.  There it felt an ivory-like spiraled protrusion sticking out.  Stoic dived to keep Lafter contained, but that... that wasn’t going to work for very long.

“Twilight, I’m about to make a lot of noises of incoherent excitement,” I warned her very seriously, “It’s probably best you get inside... Else I may get some of this squee on you and it doesn’t easily come out with a wash.”

She blinked in fearful confusion, stepping back cautiously. “W... What?”

My grin began to break through as I began to shake a little, “T-Too late!”

I suddenly burst into motion, jumping up and down in circles like a kid who just won a life-time supply of candy.  As I promised, sounds of excited happyness erupted from me and while they had no specific definition, there was no mistaking that I was suddenly back on cloud nine.

“I’m a unicorn!  I’m a friggin’ unicorn!”  I cheered in time with my bouncing, tossing my mane about gleefully.  Fillies and Gentlecolts, Lafter has entered the building.

I suddenly paused as my jaw fell open for what was probably the thousandth time. “What spells can I cast!”

I aimed my horn at nothing in particular and began to focus as though I were trying to force my brain through my forehead.  Unicorn powers activate! … … Only not.  Completely failed to do anything, but damn it, I was going to try until I had an aneurysm or a spell!  I was really hoping the second would happen before the first, though.

“Are... you trying to cast a spell?” Twilight asked hesitantly.  She... was probably doubting my sanity again.  Not that I was giving her any reason to do anything else, but still.  I was merely excited.  No call for her to be so callous and uncaring towards my happyness!  This was a great day all over again!

“Y-Yeah!” I grunted, still focused on making some magic. “But it’s... not... working.”

She didn’t reply and eventually, I gave up with an exhausted huff.

She walked up beside me, lowering her head beside mine with a nervous laugh. “Well... What are you trying to do?”

“Anything!  I just want to know I can do it!” I cried before giving up with a huff.

Then I noticed the cigarette and I got an idea.  Maybe I just needed to have a little faith and an idea of what I wanted.  Without thinking about it, I pulled out the pack of cigarettes and paused yet again.  I had it in my hoof.  It was just sticking there like I had gecko pads for horseshoes.

“Heh.  Well, now you know you have magic.  Though that’s a peculiar way to perform a summoning spell,” she pointed out before peering at the box, “What is that anyway?”

“Let’s... Let’s not worry about it,” I murmured before opening the box.  Still full.  Holy hell, that was too good to be true. “Magic test number two.”

I simply inserted it in my mouth and forced myself to not focus on the peppermint-scented, methylated product.  I thought about smoking and without any warning whatsoever, a spark flitted from my forehead and lit the cigarette with a somewhat audible snap.

“ACK!” I cried, jumping back as I dropped it out of my mouth.  I wasn’t expecting the special effects, alright?

Twilight facehoofed as she shook her head, “I think that’s enough magic for one day.”

“Eeee~!” I squealed as I cantered back to the cigarette, making myself not focus on picking up the cigarette as I touched it with a hoof.  Sure enough, it worked on the first try.  That seemed to be the answer.  Just... let it happen; don’t force it, yeah?  “Okay, yeah!  We’re good now!  This solves the most immediate crisis!”

“Wonderful,” she remarked with a wry smirk, “So, do you still need my help, or does that solve your problems?”

“Problems?” I looked back at her as I took a puff, stomping out the previous cigarette.

I’m a unicorn?  I’m in Equestria?  I’m talking with Twilight?  I’ve got what seems to be an endless supply of cigarettes?  No SIR!  NO PROBLEMS HERE!  Wheeeeee~!!!!  Oh, but how did I get here and property damage.  Yeah, I suppose that still needed to be addressed.

“Oh, right,” I nodded, tapping my chin pensively, “I suppose it’s time to tell you the really freaky part.”

“It gets worse?” She almost looked scared.

“Oh, girl.  Stand back.  I’m about to blow your mind,” I uttered gravely, “Are you ready for this?”

She raised an eyebrow before sighing, “I suppose not, but that isn’t going to change anything.  Let’s hear it.”

“I’m an alien,” I stated flatly.

Her half-irritated, half-bored expression told me that not only did she not believe me but her patience was suddenly under a fair amount of strain.

“Maybe I should explain a little better.  This isn’t my world.  I don’t come from this… reality?  Universe?” I tried to shrug, but I found it extremely difficult.  How do you shrug with just one hoof?

Twilight looked slightly less dubious, but her visage told me she still wasn’t excluding the possibility that I needed a fluffy pillow room and a jacket that helps me hug myself.  Which, to her credit, was something I had yet to fully dismiss myself.

“Okay.  Let’s try this again,” she gave a sigh that betrayed a hint of amusement and a mountain of suspicion.  She was going to try and help me against her better judgment!  Why, that was just so nice of her.

She turned and made towards the library, glancing at me before cocking her head at the entrance. “Come inside.”

I happily followed her in, nudging the door shut with my nose, which made her laugh at me because apparently I had this ultra-super concentrated look upon my face as I did it.  Whatever, Twilight can laugh at me; she’s allowed.

“Ah, okay, let’s hear the stor…” she started to say before pausing at a largely audible groan echoing from her stomach.

Aaaand then my inner troll took over for a second.  I gasped loudly, pointing an accusing hoof her way as I cried out in a disgusted tone, “My GOD, Twilight! … How unladylike!”

Dat blush.  I immediately fell into an uncontrolled bout of laughter as her face slowly turned a bright shade of magenta (red + purple, I guess?).  She looked all nervous and mortified for a few seconds.  It took me a moment to register that she was actually humiliated as hell by my staged reaction.  That kinda made me feel bad, so I knocked off the teasing guffaw without a moment’s hesitation and moved to fix what damage I had done.

“Hey, I was just kidding, don’t sweat it.  I mean, I’ve held you up from lunch, right?  C’mon, don’t be embarrassed or I might have to resort to self-depreciation and let’s be honest, I like me too much for that.”

The relief on her face helped to alleviate my guilt.  She perked up from the humor and nodded a bit, a grateful smile appearing shortly after.

“Well, it’s actually my fault for having let the time get away from me,” she admitted shyly before looking around at the walls, “Hmmm.  I missed breakfast altogether, no doubt.  What time is it?”

Pure instinct.  Checking the time?  Just whip out the cellphone!  Now, as you would surely assume, that shouldn’t have worked.  Why it did, I’ve no clue.  But there you have it.  From the same wherever that I stashed my cigarettes in, I produced my slightly beat-up Motorola Atrix 4G with (ugh…) AT&T service.

It took me a few seconds of staring at the phone to accept that it was both real and functional.  That was messing with me, I’ll admit.  I started to put it back, but then realized I didn’t even check the time!  After giving it one last once over for the sake of my sanity, I finally checked the time.

“It’s eleven-thirty,” I murmured with a blink, noticing something both interesting and bizarre on the device, “Huh.  Twilight, this may sound weird, but I need you to answer a question that will likely make you think I’m crazy.”

“Oh, we’re far past that already,” she said with an off-hand (hoof?) giggle.

I blinked again before looking over at her with a slight amount of shock displayed on my face.  Apparently, that made her realize what she had just said.

“O-Oh my goodness!” she slapped a hoof over her mouth, “T-That just came out, I’m so sorry!”

Number of times Twilight’s embarrassment has made me laugh: 2!

“You just called me crazy!” I don’t know why, but that was funny to me in a lot of ways.  Mostly it was just a riot how much she actually panicked.

“I’m sorry!” she laughed back after becoming aware that I wasn’t actually offended. “I  was just…”

“Trying to be witty, yeah.  It’s cool, no worries,” I answered with a chuckle, “I’m the biggest advocate for well-timed shots.”

She let out on last chuckle before taking notice of the device in my hoof.  She then got all curious and stuff, cantering over and sticking her big purple nose into my personal space to gaze at the curious artifact.

“So, this is like a magic clock?” she asked as she leaned closer.  My natural reaction was to lean away.  It’s just something we as humans do.

“Well, actually, I still want to ask my question first,” I replied, “Do you have Wi-Fi or something?  Because I’m getting full signal.  And that makes no sense, because last I checked, you guys don’t even have television.”

“What-O-Vision?” she asked, looking back up at me before tilting her head.

“Long story,” I said with a sigh, unlocking the device and opening up the mighty purveyor of information known as Google. “No shit.  That’s… pretty odd.”

“It is?” she looked back at it, blinking in confusion, “Why?”

“Think of it as a series of tubes.” I couldn’t help myself. “The tubes move entire libraries of information throughout them as quickly as lightning.  I know for a fact that no tubes even exist here.  So, no tubes are here, ergo I shouldn’t be able to access the information said tubes hold.  Yet… Voila.”

The very idea seemed to be magnets to her.  Her eyes got huge.  Like…super-amazed, oh-my-Celestia, too-good-to-be-true huge.

“En… Entire libraries?” she repeated in awe.

“To be honest, if you built a library to encompass everything it had… Well, let’s just say you’d have an easier time building a second Canterlot.” I won’t lie, guys.  I felt pretty hipster-hammy at the moment.

“What kind of information?” she asked, her eyes only getting bigger and shinier.  Why they needed more shine, I’m not certain.  But they were, and it was driving up my blood sugar.

Stoic tried.  He really did.  He did his damndest.  But there was just no stopping Lafter.  Irresponsibility was at hand!  The opportunity would not be squandered!

I looked up pictures of Twilight.  Because ponies, that’s why.

“W… H-How!  That’s amazing!” she cried, poking at the screen testingly, “How is this possible!?”

Her poke enlarged a skillfully drawn image of her as an Alicorn princess.  She squeaked in shock.  I don’t know if it was a squee, a shriek, or something in between.  But it only made her much more curious.

I went to scroll down a few more images before spotting some dreaded R34 (shudder) and hastily putting the phone away.

“Oh-ho-hokay there, that’s enough web-surfing for now!” I grinned nervously.

She did not like that.  Her excitement immediately translated into heartbroken disappointment.  And I thought the shiny-awe eyes were bad.  Jesus.

“Woah woah woah, puppy dog eyes are foul play!” I cried out defensively.  God forbid she cry.  I can’t stand watching anyone cry in real life, much less awesome ponies. “I said for now, that doesn’t mean forever!”

She sighed reluctantly, her ears flopping down pitifully as she forced herself to accept that.

“Right,” she said dourly.

After a moment, though, the excitement returned with a great vengeance and sought to overpower me with its adorable.

“That’s so incredible, though!  Information and pictures that can be accessed from a… a hub repository with a device!  It’s brilliant!” she cried, her ears snapping back up with gusto.

“Trust me, Twilight.  Your magic is just as amazing to us.” I let out a modest chuckle, my ham-repository having been filled for the moment. “So uh… Am I an alien or what?”

 She smiled with a playfully forced sigh, “It’s either that or an all too elaborate joke.  So… Mr. Alien.  Oh… Actually, what is your name?”

I blinked before rubbing at the back of my neck with an irritated groan.

“Ummm.  Well, it’s actually S-…” I started to say.

I was interrupted by the door suddenly being thrown open and slamming hard against its stopper.

“Spike, I’ve told you to stop doing that!” Twilight hollered at the short purple dragon entering.

I could tell it was Spike only by the purple claws walking underneath the small mountain of scrolls, quills, and ink bottles.  Carrying the tremendous load in his arms, he used his tail to slam the door shut and poked his head around the side of the view-obstructing pile of literary material.

“Well, when I grow a magical horn that lets me open doors without using my claws, I’ll see about opening it your way!” he griped irritably, “Until that day though, tail it is!”

I winced at the angry exchange between the two.  It wasn’t until that moment that Spike took notice of me.

“Why’d you let the weirdo in?” he queried, his eyebrow arching askance.

“Spike!  Manners!  This is a guest!” she snapped, her eyes wide with shock.

I snickered, “It’s cool.  Sup, Spike.  I’m S-…”

“Yeah, yeah, listen, I don’t mean to be rude, but I really gotta get lunch going.  I’m so hungry I could eat rocks and not care.” He waved me off dismissively after setting the vendor goods on a nearby table.  Without leaving much room to get in an edgewise word, he vanished into the kitchen.

“Sorry, he gets really cranky when he misses breakfast,” Twilight murmured with a sigh, staring off at the kitchen before glancing back at me. “So… What was your name, again?”

“Tell ya what.  If I get interrupted again, I’m going to make you give me a name instead,” I reasoned happily. “Unless, y’know… You want to just… give me one.”

“How about Hot Air!” Spike called from the kitchen.

Maybe there’s just something wrong with me.  Maybe there’s something right with me.  Maybe I’m just special.  Whatever the case, I just don’t know how to take myself seriously.  No really!  Here Spike is, being a general PITA and the only thing I can do is laugh.  Who does that?  Even to me that sounds weird!  Not that it changes anything, other than make me laugh a little harder.  Still.  I suppose it makes me very hard to dislike.  Or maybe very easy and I’m just too dense to catch on.  Either way, I remain happy as a clam.

“Spike~!” Twilight groaned, shamefully drooping her head.

I continued to snicker, my face buried beneath a hoof.  Spike’s just awesome like that.  Making those silly jokes.

“Declined, Spike, but thanks for the effort!” I called back before looking at Twilight. “Your turn, princess purple!”

Twilight lifted her head and simply stared at me for several seconds.  She opened her mouth once but no sound came forth.  After shutting it, she blinked and finally, turned a little pink around the cheeks.

“Can’t think of anything?” I trollfaced her RIGHT IN THE FACE.

She leaned away from me a little, blushing a tad more, “Give me a minute.”

I began to simulate the Jeopardy theme, staring her right in the eye as I did so.  After about fifteen or more seconds of creepy eye contact, I finally lost my nerve and distracted her with a vocalized buzzer.

“Well, it’s your name!  You pick it!” she demanded irritably.

“I’m sorry, Twilight, you must question in the form of an a-… Well, nevermind, I got that wrong,” I huffed before shrugging, “Heh.  I kinda like the anonymity, actually.  I shall be… Anon-Pony!”

Sometimes, even I have to look back at these past decisions and wonder… just what was I smoking and why didn’t I keep smoking it?

“A non-pony?” Twilight tilted her head, contemplatively considering it before giving a noncommittal nod, “I suppose that make sense.  Since you aren’t really a pony after all.”

“No, no.  Anon-Pony.  As in anonymous pony,” I explained, my sails having gone somewhat slack from her misunderstanding. “Anonymous Pony.  Anon-Pony.  Get it:?”

The good news was that she got it.  The bad news was that I wish she hadn’t.  Because then we got into this huge argument over the fact that nameless did not mean anonymous.  And that I couldn’t be Anon-Pony if I wasn’t actually anonymous.  I mean, it started out nice enough, but before long it just degraded into downright stubborn points of view with neither party willing to budge on the matter.  Personally, if you ask me, Twilight’s just bullheaded.  And I mean that.

After several minutes of that nonsense (no, we never settled on a name, sadly enough), we finally got down to the interesting part of the conversation.  The part where we started to exchange fascinating information, that is.  Twilight asked me a few questions a thousand different shades of interesting for her.  Like, after I showed her what humans looked like (cellphone powah!), she simply couldn’t fathom just how different we were in appearance alone.  And the fact that we thrived on the concept of technology and scientific exploitation was equally appealing to her.  When I described weather prediction and how we worked around it, I had to reaffirm to her several times that Humans were nonmagical creatures.

Then I turned things around and began an intense interrogation of my own.  Ponies!  How do they work?  We just don’t know!  But that was about to change.  Foreeeeveeeerrrrr~!

First of all, every last pony was packing magic.  Yes, even the Earth Ponies.  That’s how they were apparently able to pick things up with their hooves and even provided them with incredible strength.  Pegasi, on the other hand, used their magic to make themselves feather-light for flying.  Not only that, but were also able to trail their magic behind them for a variety of purposes such as more potent weather manipulation and leaving a wake of visible magic that was unique to each flyer.  Unicorns had to rely on their horns to focus their magic, which prevented them from picking up most of the heavier objects with hooves or tails as an Earth Pony might.  Their big advantage, however, were spells that could be used for a plethora of applications.  Most Unicorns only get one or two spells, but their affinity with that spell would, over time, allow them to branch out to many other uses based entirely upon their will and desire.  COMPLEX, EH?!  But that wasn’t the extent of their magic.  Hell, that wasn’t even scratching the surface of what magic did for ponies.  Magic was in everything.  Everything.  Even in the butter.

Can you imagine that?  This roll is not delicious enough!  Let me smear a little magic vegetable spread on it, though, and it’s suddenly worthy of a ten dollar price tag!  Grandma was good, but she wasn’t that good.

Seriously though, there was this thriving ecosystem of magic and I could talk about it all day long.  In fact, me and Twilight would have done that very thing if Spike had not entered the room with pair of plates in his hands.  His left cheek was gorged, as though he had a huge precious rock of some form stuffed in there.  I got all excited at first, but that was before I noticed what was on the trays themselves.

Hay.

“Thank you, Spike!” Twilight was delighted by the arrival of tasty hay.

I was not.

He brought me my plate and set it down in front of me with a nervous smile, “Uhh, sorry about the… y’know… Being a jerk.”

“Totally forgiven,” I smiled back before glancing at the plate, “Ummm…”

Twilight noticed my hesitation before tilting her head. “Oh, I take it that humans aren’t herbivores.”

“Omnivores,” I distinguished before biting my lip reluctantly, “We just… don’t eat hay.”

Poor Spike had been left out.  He was out of the loop and it was definitely showing on his face.  What with the Spock eyebrow and the crossed arms.  “Hu-whats now?”

“He’s an alien, Spike,” Twilight pointed out.

“Totally.” I nodded

“That’s… not as big a surprise as you might think,” Spike scratched at the side of his head pensively, “No offense.”

“I’ll get over it with some therapy,” I gave a shrug before sighing and looking back at the hay, “Okay… It’s not an onion.”

Onions are also known as Satan Tears or Gargantuan Disgusting Bulbs.  Little known facts for you guys.

“I’ll always try something once,” I told myself audibly.

Both the purple inhabitants stared at me with their purple faces and waited with bated purple breath as I slowly forced myself to lower my head and take a bite of the hay.  Moment of truth aaaaand… FAIL!  Ugh, gag me!  My eyes popped open as I chewed into the damn thing.  Oh, it was exactly what you would expect it to taste like.  Dried grass!

Have you ever eaten something that tasted so bad that it made you laugh?  Saw my best friend do it once with this ‘organic’ nut bar (I swear to all things holy, it looked like it was made of birdseed).  I never really understood why he would laugh.  He said it was the irony.  I never really knew what that meant until I ate a mouthful of hay.

I mean think about it.  This stuff tastes like crap.  I mean, I could see die-hard hippies turning this stuff down and washing their mouth out with dirty soapwater to scour out the foul taste.  Yet, they actively grow this stuff as a freakin’ delicacy.  What kind of abject nonsense is that?!  I know they’re smart enough to come to the conclusion that this garbage is just garbage (heh, I can see it now… “Hey!  This hay sucks!  Hey, Hay!  Did you know that you suck!?”).

Still, I was tough.  I macho’d it down, swallowed the whole bite.  Then I proceeded to fall off the bench and shudder all over at least twice.

“I think he likes it,” Spike commented with a smirk.

I slowly worked my way up to my hooves and took a deep, shaky breath (okay, so I tend to be a little dramatic.  It’s good for cleansing the sinuses.) “Well, that’s another horror I’ll take to my grave.  Okay, it’s time to show you guys the power of a super bachelor!”

Don’t worry; I didn’t take off my pants.  Besides, I was already naked.

“A wh-…” Spike started to as shortly before I interrupted him.

“Spike!  To the bat cave!” I cried before chomping down onto his spines and dashing off with him in tow.

“Be careful with him!” Twilight cried out worriedly before tagging on a mirthful second half, “I’ve only got one!”

“Help!” he pleaded with Twilight as we vanished into the kitchen.

It was a modest little thing with a black wood-fire stove tucked in the corner.  The shelves were filled with a lot of the necessities as well as a few novelties (I had totally forgotten what a mortar and pestle was).  It took me a moment to orient myself, but after ascertaining what was at my disposal, the choice was obvious.

Oriental, baby.  Can’t go wrong.

“Bikuh!” I shouted with my mouth full of flailing spike before giving him a toss onto my back, “Spike!”

“I’m developing a phobia of aliens,” he replied shakily as he adjusted his seat on my back.

“Sounds like a personal problem!” I retorted before I spotted the drawers that had all the sharp stuff.  “Now, it’s time to get cookin’!  First things first!  As proper men, we need sweat rags!  Because that is awesome and we’re awesome!  Understood?!”

“What?” I was losing him.

“Who’s awesome, Spike?!” I demanded.

“Um… … What?” He replied.

I sighed sadly before asking in a more practical tone, “Who is awesome?”

“Um… Rainbow Dash is pretty cool,” he pointed out in an uncertain fashion.  He wasn’t catching on, that much was apparent.

I blinked before looking back at him with incredulity written upon my face.

“Yes, I suppose she is,” I admitted before sighing, lowering my head in frustrated disappointment, “Now.  Who else, within the immediate vicinity, mind you, is awesome?  We are!  Now say it!”

  The poor guy just had not had enough male influence in his life and it showed in his response.  “We’re awesome?”

“It doesn’t need that question mark at the end there, chief,” I told him with a second sigh, “Try again.  Who’s awesome?!”

“We’re awesome.” Better, but insufficient fury nonetheless.

“Louder!” I cried out, “Who’s awesome!?”

“We’re awesome!” he replied with more enthusiasm, starting to get pumped.

“Yeah!  Who’s awesome!?” I demanded yet again!

“We’re awesome!” he bellowed in return!

“YEAH!” I thrust a hoof into the air!

“YEAH!” He did likewise with a claw!

“YEAH!”

“YEAH!”

 “YEAH!  WHERE ARE THE RAGS!?” I hollered.

“THERE!” He pointed out excitedly.

Two seconds later, we had a pair of awesome (pink… *sigh*) do-rags wrapped over our heads to match our states of awesomeness, “IT’S ON, FILLIES!  LET’S COOK SOME LUNCH!”

“Pardon me,” Twilight derailed the whole damn thing. “But could we keep it down?  This is still a library.”

Well.  My face was some kind of red.

Eventually, we were able to get some homemade vegetable Lo-Mein served up with a bit of homemade sauce.  I was worried I would die of starvation in the time it would have taken me to get the stove wood lit, but that wasn’t much of a problem with a tiny purple dragon at my side.  Still, there were enough complications to keep it interesting.  I actually had to brew my own damn soy sauce.  Thankfully, I had done that a hundred times before working at a Japanese steakhouse in Alabama.  So I wasn’t deterred.  It wasn’t perfectly similar to the original thing, mostly because I had to make the noodles broad and then cut in half after frying (WHICH WAS TEDIOUS AS HELL!).  In less than an hour, though, we had a load of cabbage, bean sprouts, mushrooms, and carrots all mixed up in a pile of soy sauce and noodles.

“That looks angry,” Spike admitted, giving it a fearful glance over the top of my head from his perch on my back.

“Oh, it is angry,” I agreed with him, tentatively poking it with a fork before jumping and screaming in horror.

“AHH!” I faked.

“AHHHH!!!” Spike clutched my mane in horror, screaming with me.

I smiled back at him, “Gotcha.”

He wasn’t amused.  That made it funnier.  Tro-lo-lo-lo-looooool~!

“Would you two please stop making such a racket!  I’m trying to read!” Twilight snapped as she poked her head inside.  She then took a whiff on what was in the air and was suddenly all curious.

“Well, at least it smells like all the noise and effort was worth it,” she said with an eager smile.

“Say please~!” I ordered, serving up three bowls with a noodle spoon thingy.

She happily trotted over, smiling eagerly, “Please~!”

Cuter than a puppy wrestling with a shoe.

And a real lunch was served.  I saved myself the biggest portion because Twilight had already had hay and Spike had chomped on a few pieces of jewelry or something to that effect.  It wasn’t perfect, but it was still damn good and I was famished.  I’m not a big fan of being forced into veganism... or vegtablarism... or whatever it’s called.  I never took Theology in college.  Nonetheless, if all the dishes tasted this good, I certainly wouldn’t lament it for long.

After looking upon the sloppy pile of noodles and veggies, Twilight took up Spike’s fearful distrust of the chow.  It wasn’t until I began to greedily stuff it into my face that they finally took the plunge and tried it.  That was mature of them at least, seeing as how I tried their despicable hay.  The result was a big fat success!  Om nom nom for everypony!

“So,” I said, munching through a mouthful of vegan-stuff, “Twilight, do you have any idea on how I could have gotten here?”

“You mean assuming you aren’t just a crazy unicorn with bizarre talents?” she asked with a laugh.

Spike snickered as he chomped down on his culinary gift.

“Well, from my point of view, I’m still not sure this isn’t all just a dream,” I replied with a laugh of my own, “But now that we’re done pointing out the elephants in the room…”

She shook her head as she tried to replicate the act of slurping up a single noodle after watching me do it.  See, there’s an art to that.  You gotta ease up at the end, and even that has to be done gradually.  If you just willy-nilly go slurping about, you’re going to get what Twilight got, which was a noodle slap right in the nose.

“Twilight, you barbarian,” I huffed sarcastically, pulling the rag off my head and gently dabbing at saucy nose.

She chuckled with a blush and began to reply, but the door was bucked open and slammed against the stopper with a bang.  It scared us all into freezing in place as we all turned to face the newcomer.

It was like magic.  … Okay, maybe that was a little redundant.

In flew the bluest, coolest, awesomest mare in the world.  Twenty-percent cooler than ice and faster than a speeding bullet.  The badflank herself, Rainbow “Danger” Dash.

“Twilight, what is taking so long!?” she yelled, frustration marring her lovely face.

Jaw drop~!

 She spotted the scene.  Random colt wiping sauce off Twilight’s mouth from unknown dish that no doubt smelled delicious and looked angry.  She processed that.  She ran it through her priority algorithms.  Out spewed the questions.

“What are you eating!?  Who is thi… Is this your coltfriend!  Hah!  That’s so cool!” she cried, starting to get all chummy before shaking her head and realizing that she was here for a purpose, “Wait, why are you eating!  I sent Spike to come get you over an hour ago!  There’s a huge crater in the middle of Town Square!”

We all looked at Spike.  He blushed in response before pulling a Twix commercial and stuffing so much Lo-Mein in his mouth that we could not decipher the multitude of excuses that failed to push past the noodlely obstructions.

I looked back at Rainbow Dash and continued with the jaw drop.  All the way across the library.  Wooooow~!  Full on!  I’ll stop that now; I apologize.

“Uhhh, no, this is not my coltfriend!” Twilight shoved my hoof away from her, blushing brightly as she swallowed the remaining food in her mouth, “He’s an alien.”

Well, I might as well have been dipped in gold as far as Dash was concerned.  That was all she needed to hear before zipping right up to my face and staring at me suspiciously.

“Huh… You sure?  He doesn’t look like an alien to me.” She was dubious, and for good reason.

“I… I…” I stammered is what I did!

Perhaps we need a little more context for the kids at home to understand.  Bronies have a tendency to take their electronic devices and wrap them in pony themes.  Well… I was one of many.  I simply took it a little further than most.  It started out innocent enough.  A few chat avatars changed to Rainbow Dash doing awesome/silly things like flail her tongue about.  Then it developed into changing program skins like Google Chrome and Trillian to Dashie’s color scheme.  And then came the wallpapers (there were many).  Before long, though, I was making WoW toons, Skype Accounts, and Steam names all centered around this prismatic pony.  After I changed my seven-page background on my cellphone to the Sonic Rainboom (Which took some effort, I assure you), I told myself that I was done with it and would draw the line here.

That was a week before I purchased a Happy Meal to acquire a Rainbow Dash toy.

Okay, now, we all have embarrassing moments in our lives that we’re not proud of.  This was not one of them for me.  I mean, yeah, some people will laugh at me.  I will smile arrogantly in their faces and declare them jelly!  I will never be ashamed about what happened next!

Which was me passing out like a teenage cheerleader at a Justin Bieber concert.

HOWEVER!  I will say this!  Those ‘awesome’ ponies?!  The ones I love so much!?  Refused to catch me when I fell!  I know because I woke up with a bruise the size of a baseball on the side of my head!

… … … All of my rage and all of its children!

-=-

This has been a fan-written story by CardsLafter - Follow me on DeviantArt to stay up to date with TTEOAP

Want more Firewall and Friends?  Visit the fanmade Firewall Club at DeviantArt!

Questions, Comments, and Criticism may be directed to the EQD Blogpage

For other questions or more personal comments, email me at CardsLafter@gmail.com

My Little Pony and all characters involved are © of Hasbro and Lauren Faust

Author’s Notes:

And so it begins.  Again.

Guys, let me know what you think in all honesty.  Keep in mind things will not stay perfectly aligned to the original story.  However, it will keep the parts that matter and will all around be funnier in my opinion.

Speaking of my opinion, I think this is leaps and bounds better than my first drunken attempt.

As always... Needs More Pony...

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Two:  In Soviet Equestria, Something Something Pony...

By CardsLafter

Best Viewed Through Google Chrome...  Seriously.

I dream happy dreams, y’know.  They’re pretty fun.  Lots of action and randomness that usually involves motorcycles and dinosaurs.  Not this time, though.  My mind was just wide open thinking of… positively nothing.  Entirely dreamless sleep.  Not really used to that, but hey, if it was a wild ride every time, then it would just get boring, right?

Well, I finally woke up sometime that year, head pounding as though it had been shoved into a juicer.  I’m sure there’s a medical name for that, actually.  Anyway, the point was that I was in pain and damn it, I was not happy about it.  I felt around my face and winced as I came into contact with a bump on my head just under my temple.

“Judas on a ho,” I grunted, giving it a few more testing pokes for good measure. “Could that possibly hurt any worse?”

I’m not sure why my face decided it would be a good idea to take the fall for the rest of my body.  Selfless bastard needed to be a bit more self preserving, in my opinion.  Above all, though, my horn hurt the most.  I’m going to suppress the urge to tell you what that’s like, actually.  There’s really no possible way to describe the sort of painful sensation that was resonating approximately three inches away from my forehead other than it was a painful sensation resonating approximately three inches away from my forehead.

“Hi there,” A soft voice spoke up from behind me.

“CHRISTCHEX!”  I squealed as I spun around.  I’m known to be a little high strung at times.

Just a little.

Anyway, I expected a pony.  Hell, I preferred a pony, even.  What I got, though, was not a pony.  It was a bird.  Not just any bird.  The same fowl (so clever) beast that woke me up that morning.

The filthy little bastard resembled a blue jay with black tips at the end of its wings and tail.  The eyes, however, were what gave away its intelligence (y’know, aside from the talking part) being that they were almost human in appearance with bright blue irises.

Now, most people would be amazed. Amagad, talking bird!  It’s so cool!

I, however, was pissed at the fact that it wasn’t leaving me alone.

 “Oh great.  Even Stupid Bird is here,” I muttered angrily to myself.

“I’m not just a bird,” it insisted in an unreasonably regal voice.  The soft feminine tone was unexpected to say the least, but I was in the magical land of ponies.  Anything can happen, right?  Still, it was a tad bizarre.  I mean, it was up there with Celestia and Galadriel in terms of poshiness.

I trotted over and stared down at it askance.  This bird was talking to me.  That did not gel with my ‘acceptable parameters of Equestria,’ I’m not ashamed to say.  Ponies can talk all they like, but birds are feathered jerks that insist upon ruining my life with their white poo and irritating twittering.

“Stupid Bird is speaking perfect English,” I muttered aloud to myself, “It must be Satan.”

The bird facepalmed with its wing (Wingpalmed?  Facewinged? Wingfacepalmed?) and let out a somewhat impatient sigh, “No, I’m not Satan.  However, if it pleases you, I suppose I could take that form.”

I glared at it stubbornly for a few more seconds. “Stupid Bird is threatening to turn into Satan.  It must be Satan.”

“Clearly, your powers of deduction are unrivaled amongst your species.  I am…”

“Nope,” I prevented it from finishing that sentence, “Don’t tell me.”

The bird blinked before cocking its head to one side.

“Pardon?”

“I don’t want to know.  Leave me alone,” I stated quite firmly before waving a hoof at it.  “Shoo.  Go away.  Nobody likes you anyway.  You smell funny.”

“W… What have I done to you?” It asked incredulously.  Apparently, it was unhappy with my treatment.

 “Well, nothing.  And I want to keep it that way,” I answered, still poking the hoof at it in an attempt to scare it away, “I don’t want a Navi.  Go lay eggs or preen or something.”

“You are being quite rude.” It snapped angrily, pecking at my hoof in contempt.

“You are being an overused cliché!” I snapped back, jerking my hoof away from the attacking beak, “I don’t want whatever it is you’re selling.  Get lost!”

“Cli… How dare you!”

“Holy shit, you took it to the next level!” I cried out before shaking my head and taking an honest swing at the stupid fowl. “Go away, seriously.  I’m about to get a book and turn you into a feathered pancake if you don’t get out of my sight!  Seriously, you’re making me feel like Harry Dresden by being all snarky to an obviously powerful being.”

“W-What?!”

It took flight and stayed out of my reach, squawking furiously as it did so.  After reaching this stalemate, it glared down at me it’s composure somewhat regained.

“How could you have possi-…”

“Oh my GOD, YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE!” I slumped down to the ground and covered my ears, yelling at the top of my lungs, “I DON’T WANT STUPID BIRD!  MAKE IT GO AWAY!”

“SHUT UP, YOU FATHEAD!” it snapped angrily, having lost its self-important demeanor and replaced it with ill temperament.

 I frowned up at the bird.

“My head is not fat,” I remarked defensively, narrowing my eyes at the insulting little cuss.

The bird perched on nothing as it shoved an indignant wing in my direction.  Dr. Professor Physicist would have a cow if he saw this.  I was having a little trouble digesting it as well, but the constant reminder of pony world saved my mind from dwelling on the matter for too long.

“Shut up!  I am here to do a job and you are going to be silent!  You are going to hear me out!  And if you fail in either of those endeavors I will see to it that you regret it!”

“Alright, alright,” I sighed, sitting up and glaring at Stupid Bird with a pout. “Stupid bird.”

“Ah, ah!” It waved a warning wing at me as it continued to mock gravity, “Silence.”

I was gonna smart off to it again; I really was.  However, I couldn’t move.  At all.  That made me very despondent and served to further my suspicions.  I couldn’t even lift a hoof to scratch my nose.  Thank Celestia it didn’t begin itching or anything.  That would have been a nightmare.

“Good!” said Stupid Bird in a satisfied tone. “Now, I need to awaken the latent…”

And then I stopped paying attention.  You might be wondering why I’m acting like such an ass here.  Well, there is a legitimate reason, I assure you.  No, seriously, let me lay this out for you so that you can understand where I’m coming from.

Stupid Bird was the same stupid bird that woke me up at the crater.  So it probably had something to do with my presence in Equestria (squee!), even if it was not directly responsible.  Stupid Bird was likely not from Equestria or at least was able to observe other worlds if not straight up go to them.  How do I know this?  Because Stupid Bird understood the reference to Satan.  Why is that important?  Because that’s a concept understood by those on Earth, not Equestria.  So here’s what we know so far:  Stupid Bird is related to my presence in Equestria and has otherworldly knowledge at its disposal.

“You are the last line of defense in-…”

Ugh… Right, I forgot just how long this went on.  What was going through my head at the time was pretty irrelevant, so I’ll not bore you with that.  Mostly the usual junk of wondering whether or not I left the gas on.

Anyway, I’ll try to sum this up as best I can.  Anyway, Stupid Bird wants something out of me.  I have no reason to trust Stupid Bird.  For all I know, Stupid Bird is the villain from the second season of the show (I can’t wait for it!) and is trying to use me against the ponies.  Or it could just be a sandbox god that wants to screw around with stuff.  Who knows?  I don’t.  What I do know is that it has a proposal and wants me to do something that it, for whatever reason, cannot do.

Wait, hold on, I think this is where it started wrapping things up.

“… know you are up to the task…”

Holy hand grenade; it’s still going.

So anyway, the long and short of the bullshit on my end is I don’t feel like being a pawn.  No matter the situation, Stupid Bird is not going apprise me of the entire thing because the concept of absolute good and evil don’t exist.  If something is threatening something, then it has a good reason.  Or at least a good enough reason to satisfy said party.  It could not tell me every last detail else, I might be inclined to help the opposing party if it had a good enough reason.  Granted, going against Equestria would have to have a damn good reason but meh.  Anyway, as I said, being a pawn is not my thing.

So… Long story shorter:  Being a pawn is not my thing and the gist I was getting from the damn feathered rodent was - and bear with me on this - that Equestria was in danger and I was the big hero here to save the day from the world beyond~!

Gag me.

“So… Will you help us?” it asked, opening its eyes extra wide as they got all moist with fearful tears.

Whatever was restricting me suddenly turned loose of me.  Without further ado, I shoved it right back into Stupid Bird’s face.

“Nope!”

“Excellent!  I’m glad you…” It started to reply before pausing and executing a dramatic, genuine double-take.

“But hey, maybe the next brony you grab might not see straight through your Disney movie plot,” I said with an over exaggerated wink.

“W-What?!”

Well, I’ll say the look I got in return was worth waiting through that trite monologue.

“You say that a lot.  Anyway, listen up, Featherbrain.  I don’t know you.  I don’t know your motivations.  I don’t know why I got here, or how for that matter.  What I do know is that you are more than you appear to be, have enough power of your own to forcibly hold me still and silent, are unbelievably annoying, and that I can apparently do something for you.  The only other thing I know is that I’m in the magical land of ponies, and that you’re talking about giving me what I need to fight the Big Bad,” I said before facehoofing and looking up at the ceiling. “I mean, I’ve no clue who wrote this script, but I think I’d rather sit through a marathon of the DarkStalkers cartoon.  And to put that into perspective, I think I would honestly rather shoot myself in the foot than put up with that abomination.”

“If you won’t help me then I’ll…”

“Send me back?  Kill me?  Force me to do it anyway?  I’ve seen them all in Cable High-Def and 720p on Youtube.” I looked away from the bird, sticking a hoof out at it. “Do your worst.  Otherwise, we’re done here.”

“Insufferable child,” it snapped angrily, “You do not understand what is at stake here!”

Yaaaaaawn!  Actually, I really did.  I even did so whilst covering my mouth with a hoof.  No reason to be impolite, after all.

“Fine!  But you will regret this!”  And without another moment of my precious time lost to inanity, Stupid Bird vanished with a puff.  I don’t think I could have been happier.

I turned back towards the library and stubbornly trotted off to the kitchen.  I was shocked to discover that the mess that Spike and I made had been cleaned up already.  Luckily, there was some homemade lo mien left for me to snack upon next to the wood stove...  Even if it did take me several tries to remember just how one goes about picking up objects with but a single hoof.  I took my second bowl of chow to a nearby bench and began to think about the situation.

It didn’t take long for that nagging sensation to set in, I’m sad to say.  You know the one.  That feeling you get when you did something that you’re not certain you can take back and the consequences that you just bit off might be more than you can chew?  Of course you do.  And that’s what was happening to me, which is the last thing a smartass like me ever wants to have happening to him.

First it was small stuff like how Stupid Bird was possibly unaware of just how incredibly lame it was being.  Then it moved on to how I probably should have just paid a little more attention.  Before long I began to wonder just what could possibly threaten Equestria enough to bring in an outsider.  Finally I realized that I was questioning the very nature of my being and decided that talking to myself, even internally, was a bad idea.

I figured the quickest way of getting out of this funk was to address my need of pony interaction and fast.

“Hey, Twilight?” I called out, unsurprisingly getting no response.  I assumed she and Spike weren’t around if they had not shown up while I had that little debate with Stupid Bird.

Still, I found myself a teensy bit sad.  Twilight was no longer within yelling distance and that killed most of the plans I had for the rest of my day.

Bah, I need a cigarette, I finally told myself before tossing my now emptied bowl in the sink.  I made it about two steps before looking back at the sink and sighing.  Yeah, I know, and I’m a gracious bastard for it as well.  I cleaned the bowl and spoon, dried them off, and put them away.

This time I kept myself from panicking when the cigarette lit itself.  It was crazy.  A little shiny red glowing ball of fire just silently jumped from my horn and floated to the tip and popped into nothingness the moment I inhaled to light it.

“Groovy,” I murmured, pulling out the cigarette and inspecting it.

Oh yeah, magic did not suck.  Not in the slightest.

As I put the cylinder back where it belonged (between my succulent lips – no homo), I began to just relax and take in the beautiful sights of Ponyville.  The incredibly bright green grass~!  The unassumingly identical trees~!  Even the beautifully hoof-crafted cobblestone roads~!  And then pink.

I know, I know, it’s a little girl’s world.   Still, the amount of pink was borderline dangerous.  I mean, houses and kiosks would have secondary colors such as navy blue, powder white, and royal purple, but it all came back to pink one way or another.  Hot pink, light pink, neon pink, pinkish-red, etc.  One Pink, Two Pink, Red Pink, Blue Pink!

Pink, I was prepared for.  Pink pony, on the other hand, caught me quite off guard.  See, when people approach you, there’s this event where you notice the approaching party and because of this, you don’t fall on your ass sputtering like an idiot.  That is normal.

But oh no, that’s not good enough for Pinkie.  She’s all about the abnormal!  Pinkie Pie does what she wants.  Why?  How the hell should I know?!  All I do know is when Pinkie Pie approaches you, she just might decide that giving you the friendly goddamn courtesy of trotting up like a decent respectable isn’t going to be enough to satisfy her.  No!  Instead, she just bloody appears two inches from your face.  You think I’m kidding?  No.  I’m not kidding.  I’m being as serious as a heart attack, which, coincidentally, was what nearly happened to me.  Like I said, I was caught off guard

“OHMAGOD!” I yelled, stumbling back onto my plot and gasping for air as I clutched at my chest with a shaky hoof.

 “HI!” she chirped excitedly, “I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“I know!” I yelled at her, embarrassed that I had come just short of wetting myself in shock.

Then her eyes got bigger (if that were somehow possible) as she leaned closer (which seemed equally impossible).  She gasped in shock, as though the revelation of me already knowing her was mind-blowing on a level that just didn’t compute.

“Err… What a-…” I started to ask.  If I had known better, as I do these days, I wouldn’t have bothered wasting my breath.

“Wow you do that’s amazing you must be psychic even though Twilight said you had fire magic but you must be extra special to be able to have that and fire magic I wonder if you can combine the two like set making ponies feel all warm and toasty in their head that would be so silly especially if you didn’t tell them about it and they suddenly feel all warm for no reason and it makes them feel really funny I bet you even have two Cutie Marks do you have two Cutie Marks that would be so amazing like twice the amazing let’s see!”

No breath, pause, or period entered that barrage of statements, questions and exclamations.

“Uhh,” I blinked before suddenly being yanked off the ground by Pinkie who proceeded to flip and turn me every which way like a rag doll.  I tried to resist.  Hell, I tried a lot of things.  I’m pretty sure I even shrieked in shock a few times as the world about me tumbled like a dryer on Extra Floppy.

“You don’t have two Cutie Marks!”

Twist.  I yelled out some profanity.

“You don’t even have one Cutie Mark!”

Flip.  I paused here to prevent myself from throwing up.

“Wow, you’re really old to not have a Cutie Mark!”

Turn.  Insert the shouting of crude obscenities.

“WAIT!  Your Cutie Mark could be NOT having a Cutie Mark!  You would be, like, SO special!  Because everypony, and I mean everypony, has a Cutie Mark!  It would SO cool if you never got one!  You could be all like…”

When Twilight told me that Earth Ponies were exceptionally heavier and stronger than other ponies, I had no clue just how much stronger we were talking.  I might as well have been made of floppy doll parts.  None of my struggles even seemed to garner her attention, and I was kicking and screaming something rather fierce by this point for all the good it was doing.  Luckily, though, she gave up after a few more seconds and set me down on my feet.  I promptly stumbled about before sitting back down.  The world seemed to have missed the memo that notified everything that I was no longer spinning.  Either that or I was that dizzy.  It’s not as though I could really tell the difference.  No really.  I couldn’t tell the difference.

“Oh well!” she cried brightly before picking up the cigarette that I had dropped. “Oh, what’s this!?  You had it like this!  This is right, right?!”

She inserted the proper end into her mouth and smiled at me ecstatically.

I might have overreacted.

“NO, PINKIE!” I cried far too late, my hoof stretched out towards her desperately as my jaw hit the ground in shock.

There was a moment of silence followed shortly by, and I’m not making this up, the chirp of a cricket.

“What?” she responded, cigarette still dangling from her mouth. “This isn’t very tasty, you know.  It must be one of those acquired tastes.  Like turnips!”

I blinked, closed my mouth, and blinked again before picking myself up off the ground.  It took a couple of tries; I was still dizzy as a drug addict at the Burning Man event.

“… May I… May I have my cigarette back?” I asked after I finally managed to stand up.

“Okay!”

Pinkie just… She just doesn’t think about her actions, guys.  I kid you not.  She won’t do something the way you expect her to, ever.  You ask her for the cigarette back, you expect her to hold it out to you and let you take it.  What really happens is she shoves it back into your mouth, which involves a super-strength hoof colliding with your face at energetic Pinkie Pie speeds.

“Hork~!” I stumbled, falling right back on my butt.  I don’t know how she didn’t break my nose, but she sure as hell filled the lion’s share of my vision with pretty, pretty stars.

“Whoops!” she commented with a giggle.

‘Whoops’ my fuzzy grey plot.

“So, what’s your name?”

I shook the last of the stars out of my sight before rubbing my nose and blinking at her, “Anon-Pony.”

“I thought you’d say that since Twilight said you would say that but she said that I was to say that you should say something else because she said that that was definitely not your name!  I said, ‘Okay, Twilight, whatever you say!’” Pinkie blabbed happily before turning her head sideways, “So!  Whaddya say?”

I blinked, having to replay that sentence in my head a couple of times before I understood what Pinkie Pie said.  The rough translation was that Twilight was being a stubborn plotface about me being Anon-Pony.  Whatever.

“Well, Twilight can go milk a cow!” I grumped as my ears flopped down against my head in irritation.

Man, I thought the tail was awesome.  Ears are just downright wiggy.  And that’s the scientific term used, mind you.  I put everything else on hold as I began to actively flop my ears about.  Oh, it was some kind of trippy.  It only got worse as Pinkie began to copy me.  Before long we were sitting there in utter silence, staring at one another as our ears began to dance the dance of dances.

“That’s silly!  Why would Twilight milk cows?  That’s the cowses’ job!” Pinkie replied after several seconds of eerie silence, now flapping her ears as though they were tiny wings.

I… Guys, this is about to get weird.  Just a heads-up there.  I know, it looks bad now.  You don’t have to tell me.  But I was pretty desensitized to insanity-spurred moments like this a long time ago.  Lafter does this kinda crap all the time (and by Lafter, I mean me!) and later on when Stoic takes hold again, I get to feeling incredibly ridiculous.  So let me clear this up before you enter the really strange part… I’ve no clue why the word ‘Cowses’ tickled me so, okay?  It just did.  Apologies.

That said, however, you’re going to have to put up with the entire thing.

 “Cowses?” I phonetically mimicked her, chuckling a bit as I did so.

Then her grin stretched impossibly wide.

“Cowses!”

“… … Cowses.” I repeated in a deeper tone.

“Cowses!” She replied exactly as she had before.

“Cowses!”

“Cowses!”

I narrowed my eyes, giving her a sly look (which she imitated immediately) and began to whisper, “Cowse-…”

“What are you two doing?!”  Rainbow Dash’s interruption spooked us both.

She was hovering above us.  I think I just about died from shame, I’m sad to say.  I’m really not that quick to blush, but I’ve got this fascination with Rainbow Dash that just isn’t very healthy in all likelihood.  I mean, I’m sure this is how stupid co-eds panic when someone like Leonardo DiCaprio catches them in a chicken costume or something.

“Hi, Dashy!” Pinkie enthusiastically waved at the newcomer, her ears still a’flappin about. “Cowses!”

“How long were you there?!” I asked in shock, my cheeks and ears burning with embarrassment.

“Somewhere between the beginning of the ear duel and ‘Cowses,’” she replied irritably, her hooves on her hips and her eyes narrowed accusingly at me, “Twilight sent Pinkie to come fetch you a while ago; what is keeping you two?!”

“Nothing.  Duh!” Pinkie squeaked cheerfully, her ears still motoring about.

“Well, I blame Twilight for being silly enough to think that Pinkie Pie’s attention span was up to the task,” I countered instantly, taking a drag off my cigarette.

Rainbow Dash started to argue, but after taking an extra glance at Pinkie Pie, she slapped a hoof over her face and sighed.

“Can’t argue with you there,” she reluctantly admitted.

“Cowses!” Pinkie cried.

“Cowses,” I muttered gravely before nodding at Rainbow Dash with an incredibly serious look upon my face.

She rolled her eyes with a smirk and sighed, “Look, whatever, okay?  You two can ‘Cowses’ all you like…”

She totally did air-quotes with her hooves.  What the hell…

“But please hold off on that and… whatever it was you were doing with the ears.”

Aaaand Carramelldansen with my ears... Augh, I know, I was acting like a complete moron.  I’m sorry.  I have the most incredibly strong urges to act out in front of people who don’t know me.  It’s both a gift and a curse.

“Y-Yeah, that!” She was struggling to not laugh at this point. “Just… Stop all of that and f-follow me to the crater.  Hehe… I said stop!”

“Stop what, Dashie?” Pinkie asked as she joined in, causing Rainbow Dash to sputter a tad.

“Stop the… Okay, enough of the crazy!  We’re going now!” Dash quickly zipped around behind us and grabbed both our tails in her mouth before taking off with us in tow.

Now, flying backwards and upside down is, by itself, an incredibly odd feeling.  It gets even weirder when you’re about as heavy as a kite thanks to Rainbow Dash’s pegasus magic.  It seems that beggars can’t be choosers, however.  Still, just the sensation of flying was pretty amazing, but golly, did my backside feel incredibly strange.  I mean, a strong wind blowing across it was kinda unique in and of itself, but it was the tail that was really getting at me.  This was the day for new sensations and feelings because I have to say, there is no feeling quite like the feeling of a yanking sensation emanating right above your butt.  It was the most awkward feeling I’ve ever physically experienced.  Luckily, tails are really strong, so it’s not even painful as much is… Just pull HARD on your hair without hurting yourself and imagine that coming from the base of your spine.

“Oh… Oh, that is some kinda freaky!” I squeaked, squirming about as Dash tugged us along the sky.

“I know, it’s so tickly and pully!” Pinkie cried out with joy.  Not sure how, but she somehow knew exactly what I was talking about. “Hehehehe!  Oh well!  At least we get to go to the crater!  It’s so smoky and neat!”

“You guys don’t get a lot of craters do… Oof… My cigarette!!”

That oof?  That was Rainbow Dash flying along and smacking me into a low-flying cloud that was indeed solid enough to jar me into dropping my smoke.  The damn Equestrian Physics were blowing my mind.  I’m fairly certain that wasn’t how it worked in the show.

“Nope!  First Ponyville crater!” Pinkie shook her head, still smiling broadly.

I spared a moment of attention to lament my poor falling Mareboro before looking back at Pinkie with a sigh.

“So… What’s up, is there going to be a huge party or something?” I asked sarcastically.

“Yeah!” she answered anyway before poking a hoof at my face. “We were going to name it after you but you don’t have a name, so now we have to call it the No-Name Party!”

“That sounds like an untrustworthy political group.  Also known as a political group.” I sighed as I checked over my shoulder impatiently.

Luckily, Rainbow Dash’s speed in the show was not an exaggeration and within the few following moments I could see the crater.  There was this rainbow palette of colors surrounding it,and as we approached, I realized that the palette was actually a crowd of candy colored ponies.  We touched down just on the edge of the square (and by touched down, I mean dropped a few feet off the ground and landed unceremoniously on our faces).  This didn’t seem to bother Pinkie in the slightest.  In fact, she kinda just... bounced off the ground and onto her hooves.  Now, I’ve got your average amount of agility and a pretty good sense of balance as a human.  As a pony, though, I tend to smack into things (sometimes it’s the other way around) and just take it like a champ.

After picking myself up, dusting my coat off, and giving Rainbow Dash an irritable glance, we approached the group.  Ponies of so many colors!  I had to contain my inner squee as I gazed at them.  So many I recognized.  Roseluck, Berry Punch, Carrot Top, Daisy, Lyra, Bon Bon... It made me get all fluttery in the gut.  I played it cool though and pushed through their numbers with Pinkie and Dash.

“I guess we’re looking for Twilight, right?” I commented as we touched the edge of the crater.  It smelled a tad acrid, but wasn’t overpowering as much as it was just annoying.

“Yup,” Dash replied as she swung her head to and fro in search of the magical savant.

“Well, I’m not!” Pinkie cried exuberantly.

Dash and I both looked at each other before glancing at the party pony.

“Why not?”

“Because I already spotted her, that’s why!” she explained to us as though we made no sense whatsoever. “Duh!”

Uh-huh.  Well, once again, rather than do the expected thing of pointing her out, Pinkie instead had her eyes shut and was bouncing her body side to side to the rhythm of a beat that only she could hear.

“Well, uh... Pinkie, she’s sorta waiting on us,” Dash pointed out impatiently as I nodded.

“Oh!” Pinkie exclaimed, blushing a tad.

That was surprising.  I was all, holy crap, did we just get through to Pinkie?  As soon as that thought went through my head, she dispelled that illusion with a swift motion.  The swift motion consisted of grabbing me and standing on her back two hooves as she lifted me over her head.  She must have had amazing upper pony strength or something, because I figure I’m not very light.  Males are rather consistently larger than females, and I was no exception, other than the fact that I might even be a little bit bigger than average male as well.

“Gah!” I cried, desperate for something to hold on to as I was swung through the air.

“TWILIGHT!” Pinkie hollered across the crater, “I found the fire pony!  The one that caused the crater, right?!  He doesn’t have a name so I’ve been calling him No Name!  I think that’s what we’re going to call him for now since you said he can’t be Anon-Pony!  You said you wanted to see him right?!  Also, he’s pretty heavy!  I wonder if he eats a lot!”

Well shit, Pinkie, why don’t you give everyone my social and date of birth since we’re in the business of divulging personal information, I thought to myself with a facehoof.

From the higher vantage point, I could spot Twilight standing next to Applejack.  Both of them looked rather irritated with the Pinkie P.S.A. and I couldn’t blame them.  It didn’t take me long to figure out just how bad that was going to sound to the rest of the town.  Oh hi, brought the jackass that turned the center of town into a big fat hole in the ground!  … Whatever.  Since I may as well have been holding a damn sign that said I DID IT AND I’M NOT SORRY, I might as well go all the way.

Okay, maybe not all the way, but I did light a cigarette menacingly.  To my amusement, the audible pop scared a couple of nearby fillies.  That made it taste better.

“What is that?” Dash asked, her eyebrows lifting curiously.

“That’s his smokey treat!” Pinkie explained happily.

A smokey treat?  Meh, close enough.

Twilight and Applejack made their way around the crater as the crowd began to back away from me.  At first I was able to explain it away with the cigarette, but before long, I could hear whispers.  My gut reaction to that sort of thing was to become offended and indignant, but I swear to God, they started coming up with irrelevant nonsense.

Stuff like, ‘just look at the way he keeps his mane, so uncouth!’ and ‘Look at the (not making this up) sinister way he breathes smoke like a dragon!’ but the best one by far was ‘He doesn’t even have a Cutie Mark, such a poor example for the children!’

I began laughing.  These ponies could talk some serious shit!  I couldn’t believe my ears.  I mean, half of me was insulted and offended as hell, but the other half was marveling at the fact that my mane was so ‘uncouth’ that comments were not only warranted but enthusiastically seconded by those nearby.  I was both baffled and entertained.  Still, the novelty quickly wore off as the ponies continued to put distance between me and them.  I admit, I was starting to get more irritated and less amused as the horribly tame slurs were getting louder and more brazen.

That is... Until there was an intervention.

“Listen to all of ya’ll!” A little voice cried out.

She was tiny with a heart bigger than a mountain and softer than a pillow.  Her voice was full of a righteous indignation that belied her diminutive size and her red-gold eyes were as fierce as a gryphon’s.  Not to mention that serious pink hairbow.

Applebloom to the applebuckin’ rescue!

Tiny ran out to stand in the center of the gap separating Pinkie, Dash, and I from the rest of the crowd.

“He ain’t been here for but a minute and already I’m hearin’ some of the worst gossip ever!” she cried, glaring at the crowd as her face snapped about to emphasize the fact that she was talking to all the ponies. “Why, he ain’t even had a chance to tell his side of the story!”

The crowd was utterly silent as they regarded the words of the brave little filly.  Applejack and Twilight continued to make their way around the crater.  Twilight looked a bit worried, but Applejack was practically glowing with pride.

“Haven’t we learned anything?!” Applebloom carried on with fervor, now blushing a little bit from all the attention, “Didn’t we do somethin’ like this to Zecora?  And look at how silly we all felt after that!  I’m thinkin’ if y’all wanna make a change, now would be a really good time to start!”

Pinkie Pie let out an energetic (technically, I suppose everything Pinkie does is energetic) yell as she continued to stubbornly heft me about in the air.  Rainbow Dash trotted over to Applebloom and mussed her hair with a hoof, smirking down at the flustered pony who smiled back up at her.

“S-Sorry,” Applebloom half stammered as both Twilight and her sister approached, “I just...”

“Don’t be, sugarcube,” Applejack immediately replied, lowering her head enough to nuzzle at her sister, “Y’all are right and we all know it.”

Applejack lifted her head and cut her eyes at the crowd, daring them to speak out. “Don’t we!”

An immediate chorus of half-hearted agreements slowly came out of the crowd.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash yelled out, startling everyone (myself included) with her surprisingly strong lungs, “She said... Don’t we!”

This round of assent was much more audible and sounded less forced this time around.  Hell, I was happy with the first one.  Dash, apparently, doesn’t settle for second best.  Makes sense, in a pony sorta way.

“That’s enough, you guys,” Twilight said with a cough, preventing further heckling of the crowd.  She smiled nonetheless, showing them she still approved of their actions regardless of their somewhat tactless methods.  I was right there with her on that.  I love me some sinus-clearing tactlessness.

“Alright, Stranger, do you...” she started to ask before glancing at my elevated status.

Never one to miss a moment for insanity, I pointed a hoof her way and narrowed my eyes.

“Behold my new method of travel,” I uttered in a grave voice, taking a drag off my cigarette, “Pinkie Schlepping.  No longer shall anypony ever have to walk anywhere ever again!”

“I’m an invention!” Pinkie chirped.

“Right,” Twilight said with a half-irritated, half-amused roll of the eyes, “Pinkie Pie?”

“Twilight Sparkle!” Pinkie responded with a bounce, shaking me enough that I nearly dropped my cigarette.

“Please be a dear and drop our new friend,” she said with an innocent smile.

I was just a few seconds from geeking out over Twilight calling me ‘friend’ when I was prevented by way of smacking into the ground.  Not sure how I picked up so much speed with such a short distance; possibly something to do with Pinkie Pie’s personal Rule of Funny.  Why Twilight didn’t say something more sensible like ‘put down’ or something, I wasn’t quite certain.  At least not immediately.

“Oops,” Pinkie laughed hesitantly, amazingly aware of her trigger-response’s consequences.

“Oh my gosh!” Applebloom cried in shock, running over to help me up, “Are you okay?”

Applejack’s sigh landed somewhere between exasperation and mirth.  Rainbow Dash did what Rainbow Dash does best when observing the misfortune of others:  Laugh her flank off.  At me.  This here is my heart breaking.

And then Twilight gave herself away.

“It’s alright, Pinkie,” she said with the barest hint of a laugh.

I pulled my head out of a pony-shaped dent in the ground and glared up at the purple mare.  “You did that on purpose!”

“Oh, whatever do you mean?” she asked coyly, holding an innocent hoof over her mouth.

“Is this… normal?” said Applebloom as she tilted her head sideways, looking at us as though we were made of cheese and buttons.

 “Sadly, it kinda is,” Applejack responded with a sigh before clearing her throat loudly, “Somethin’ everypony might want to keep in mind!  We’re sorta the center of attention right now.”

That was when we all looked about at the entire town’s populace staring as though we were a strange circus act.  Mmm~Mmm~Mmm~!  Awkward situations abound!  The ponies all struggled to make a graceful recovery but to be honest, the damage had been done.  I, however, simply took a drag of my cigarette and remained awesome.  Can’t touch this!

Twilight let out a hesitant laugh and smiled nervously as she whispered, “Well, this is a tad embarrassing.”

I began to act natural, dusting myself off with my hooves and tail before glancing back to make certain my flank was semi-clean.  That’s when I noticed the smoke from the crater gradually shift from your typical smoky grey to a shimmering violet.  I stared at it for a moment before glancing back at the others who were still preoccupied with the town staring at us.  I glanced back at the smoke as it began to swirl about, slowly coalescing above us.

I decided I would set up for a dramatic reveal.  Y’know… Because my priorities are in the right place.

“Hey Twilight,” I said with a smile, “Would you say you’d do just about anything to get out of this awkward situation?”

She gave me a look that told me she was more curious of why I would ask such a question.  After a moment, though, she considered it and submitted her very well thought out response.

“Well, not anything, I suppose,” she replied, staring at me suspiciously, “I agree that this is a little awkward, but everypony here knows one another fairly well.  Why?”

Twilight had just bought herself the most disappointed glare I could muster.

“Atta way to ruin it, Twi,” I stated flatly before turning back towards the smoke, “Behold.  A distraction.”

As though on cue, a voice began to chuckle.  It wasn’t very loud, but it carried with it both a malicious edge and an air of arrogance.  I watched in awe as the shimmering violet smoke began to take the form of a pony.  Now, this won’t make much sense but the entire thing just reeked of pure evil.  Not that I could actually smell the evil coming off of it, but I assure you, this pony shaped sparkling cloud wasn’t here to herald the magic of friendship.

It further reinforced that opinion when it spoke with its deep feminine voice filled with disdain, “Hah!  Foalish human!  You should have escaped while you had the chance!  You will not be given the opportunity to regret it!”

I blinked in shock.  Hokey Smokes here knew I was a human.  That was quite interesting.  Not as interesting as the dark clouds that swiftly swirled around the skies and quickly blotted out the sun (because that was honestly kinda cool), but still interesting in its own right.

“Ummm, what if I said I’ve no clue what this is all about…?” I asked, tilting my head a tad.

The crowd of ponies began to back away slowly but overall stayed pretty chilled out.  The girls, however, were all looking at me as though I had just nominated myself as the chief spokespony.  Like I wanted that or something.

“Friend of yours?” Twilight whispered softly.

“I was gonna ask you the same thing,” I replied similarly.

“What?” the misty villain snapped in surprise as she floated to the ground, a good head and a half taller than everypony else, “You don’t remember…”

“Well, I might’ve been drunk.” I bashfully rubbed the back of my neck. “Though I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I took a dame like you home.”

There was this heavy pause while everyone digested my words.  I was trying to break the ice with a bit of humor and possibly diffuse a tenuous situation.

Sadly, Cranky Cloud was not amused. “You think to mock ME?!”  

It emphasized the final word with a stamp of its hoof which sent a thunderous shockwave throughout the entire town.  A sudden wind blew past me, whipping angrily at my mane as the world continued to darken.  The crowd ponies proceeded to wet themselves and took off in a blaze of screams and terror.

The rest of us, however, reacted differently.  Twilight glared at me for antagonizing the stupid thing, as though it was somehow my fault that it had an attitude problem.  Dash and AJ weren’t even slightly shaken.  They did, however, respond to the hostility with a pair of fierce war faces that told the Misty Menace that it was going to have to step up its game if it wanted to ruffle their feathers and cowpony hats.  Pinkie Pie said something about awfully strange weather and began to squint really hard at the scary purple sparkly pony.  Something about trying to look at it a different way.  Hell, I’m not going to contemplate it; it’s bloody Pinkie Pie.

“Wh-What is it!?”  Applebloom cried out, hiding behind Applejack.

“I dunno, but I think it needs a nap!” I said with a large smile.

Twilight kicked me with a forehoof to let me know that continued aggravation of the Cloud of Crankiness would result in beatings.  I wasn’t sure what the big deal was.  I mean, other than Fluttershy feeding worms and fishes to some animals, I haven’t seen anything die in Equestria.  Does that make Fluttershy the most dangerous thing here?  Whatever the case, I wasn’t intimidated by cartoon violence but I didn’t want to spoil it for everypony else.  Therefore, I decided to play ball and act scared.

“Whatever,” I muttered under my breath before throwing a hoof to my forehead in a display of false fear. “Don’t hurt me Oh Great One!”

“It is far too late for that, Human!” It snarled as it began to walk towards us, “You have incurred the wrath of The Nightmare!”

With that, a pair of turquoise eyes with draconic pupils formed within the mist followed by a set of ridiculously pointed teeth.  It was so… so incredibly cartoony that I couldn’t help myself.  The self-important reveal, the 90’s cartoon dialogue, and the very non-scary purple cloud with very a non-scary face all culminated to a lot of silliness in my book.

I snorted before slapping a hoof over my mouth to prevent more of my amusement escaping.

Unfortunately, I was caught.  The Nightmare stopped dead in its tracks and sputtered furiously.

“D-Did you just… laugh?!  AT ME?!” she roared with righteous indignation poisoning her words.

The other all glared at me as though I was making a bad situation worse.  And to be fair, I totally was.  I was totally not taking this as seriously as I needed to.  At the time, though, I was enjoying the blissfully ignorant ride through a cartoon.  Weeeee~!

“Ahem!  No, I uh… *cough* … I totally sneezed.  Sorry, I… C-Couldn’t help it.” That was me coughing and covering my mouth to try and hide my smile.

“Your impunity will not go unpunished!” She screamed so loudly that it shook the ground before rearing up. “Now… GIVE ME WHAT IS MINE!”

Without so much as a moment’s hesitation, The Nightmare exploded into a mass of violet tendrils that sped towards me with a dark intent.  I didn’t know what she had in mind, but I wasn’t betting on it being pleasant.  Still, I sorta froze up in shock, not knowing what to do about it and ended up cringing in place with my eyes shut.  Yeah.  Like all those horrible co-ed slasher films.  I imagine there’s an audience somewhere watching me just screaming, ‘MOVE, IDIOT!’

When nothing happened for a second, I opened my eyes and saw Twilight standing in front of me.  The purple unicorn had created a wall of violet energy between us and The Nightmare, and our assailant was none too pleased about it.  It quickly reformed as a translucent mare and glared at us through the protective barrier.

“RRRRAAAAAAGHHH!” The Nightmare bellowed furiously, “Step aside, Protégé of Celestia!”

“Not a chance!” Twilight snarled back, “Now leave while you still can!”

The Nightmare threw her head back and laughed arrogantly.  As she did, a beam of light pierced the tumultuous cloud cover behind her.  Canterlot could be seen through the gap, resting radiantly upon the mountainside overlooking Ponyville.  From the center of the gap, a tiny beacon in the distance began to move our way.  It grew brighter as it neared, but The Nightmare had yet to take notice.

“Hah!  And who is going to make me, child?  You?!” she sneered before viciously striking the barrier with a hoof.  The barrier showed no reaction but Twilight began to sweat as though she had just run a mile.  She did, however, grin a bit as the star in the distance began to swell in size upon approach.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash smiled vindictive smiles at one another as Pinkie Pie stopped squinting at The Nightmare to stare in awe at what was behind it instead.  Applebloom had yet to see, having stayed hidden behind Applejack, and thus continued to fearfully quake behind her older sister.

“Hey, Applebloom,” I called out, “What’s tall, white, and raises the sun every morning?”

Applebloom fearfully lifted her head above Applejack’s flank and gasped upon seeing the cavalry roll in from the distance.

“Celestia!” she cried out, her fear replaced with hopeful excitement.

The Nightmare’s eyes practically popped out of her head as she looked back at the oncoming princess.  The clouds began all around began to give way to the power of light!  The lightning and thunder was soon replaced by the melodious ring of magic as the barely discernible form of Celestia continued to blaze towards us like a comet of white light.  I couldn’t be certain but it looked as though there was a smaller blue light trailing along with her.  Luna, I guess?

I should have realized I wasn’t in a cartoon by that point, really.  I mean, Hasbro’s special effects ain’t got shit on this!

“Looks like somepony is about to get dat flank of theirs all kinds of bucked up,” I said with wide eyes and a hoof mockingly covering my mouth. “Eau de snap~!”

The Nightmare turned back to glare at me and I jerked my head side-to-side.  If looks could have killed, I would have exploded and then each of the pieces would have been stabbed with ice picks.  Fortunately for me, that was impossible.  At least, I think it is.  One can never be certain when magic is involved.

 With that, a long unicorn horn sprung out of The Nightmare’s ‘head’ and with a swing, she stabbed the shield.  Amazingly, it not only pierced our protective pinkish-purple shield, but Twilight passed right out on the spot.

And not to go off on a tangent, but I caught Twilight.  It wasn’t even difficult.  I just sorta stepped over and let her fall into an outstretched hoof.  Why they couldn’t have done that for me and saved me the pain and anguish, I’ll never know.  But there it is.  Ponies are lazy.

“Well,” I said with a blink, staring up at The Nightmare as the shield began to evaporate, “This is awkward.”

“RD, stop!” I heard Applejack cry out as a spectrum colored equine zipped right past my face.

“HEY!” Rainbow Dash soared up to The Nightmare and landed a kick right in her face. “Nopony messes with my friends!”

The hoof-to-the-face caused The Nightmare to dissolve into her Dreaded Cumulus form before swiping back at the brave pegasus with a tendril. “You will have to do!”

Dash dodged back from the attack but her tail got caught in the process.  She registered that she was probably in danger and tried to fly away, but The Nightmare wrapped its smoky tendril about her tail and yanked her back.

Out of pure instinct, I jumped forward and caught hold of my idol, dropping Twilight on the ground which was sorta poetic justice.

“It’s got me!” Rainbow Dash hollered fearfully, clinging back at me.

Like we hadn’t noticed or something.

Still, I’m fairly certain losing Rainbow Dash would have resulted in a breakdown on my part so I was more interested in holding on than verbally rebuking her for making obvious observations.

The Nightmare tried to shake me loose, but I held on tight.  Rather than play Tug-O-Dashie, she began to lift off with both of us.  I made a noise of general panic, but it was quickly followed by a squeak of surprise when I felt something grab hold of my tail.  I looked back down to see my tail in Applejack’s mouth.  She dug her hooves into the ground and yanked us all back down and I swear, I think I was stretched a foot longer than what was natural.  I almost expected me to make an involuntary rubber duck noise or something.

“I wanna come too!” Pinkie declared happily, somehow able to enunciate perfectly with Applejack’s tail in her mouth. “Let’s go, let’s go!”

Just then, a thin beam of light zipped past us all, nicking the edge of Mademoiselle Misty.  The Nightmare let out a furious shriek in response and we all looked to see Celestia getting ever closer.  One way or another, a resolution was about to arrive to this situation.

“Not yet,” The Nightmare hissed furiously before turning its attention back to us. “Soon, Celestia.”

I gagged on the stereotypical line.

The Nightmare decided to play it smart and simply grabbed hold of our quaint little pony-chain before turning away from Celestia and flying off with us in tow.  Unsurprisingly, Pinkie squealed in utter delight as soon as she was airborne, flailing about with zest.  I wanted to get on her case about being serious, but not only would that have been hypocritical of me, it would have also been quite pointless.

Poor Applebloom got left behind, having not been quick enough to add herself to the Chain of Equine Conjunction.

“Help!  Somepony help them!” the powerless filly shrieked fruitlessly as The Nightmare took flight.

I continued to cling to my Technicolor Donkey as we took off, genuinely afraid for the first time.  Smoky the Mare wasn’t moving very quickly, which seemed to scare it senseless.  Personally, I blame them weighty Earthy Ponies full of sweets and apples.

“Get off’a me!” Dash hollered at the The Nightmare, kicking at it angrily to no avail.

The Nightmare suddenly enveloped us and all we could see were violet clouds, stars that didn’t exist, and more sparkles than a Twilight movie.  I kinda had a panic attack.  So many thoughts were going through my head.

Oh my God, is this serious?

Holy shit, I’m hugging Dashie!

AJ can stop tugging on my tail ANY time she likes!

Where the hell is Celestia?!

My train of thought was interrupted by the muffled sounds of a certain orange farmer pony trying to yell at me.  It was right about that time Rainbow Dash suddenly went limp and I was way too distracted to think about anything other than panicking.  When I didn’t reply, she repeated what she had said and gave my tail an extra hard jerk.  She had my attention then, along with my ire and an urge to buck her one upside the head.  Whatever it was she was saying, I was only able to discern that she was ordering me to do something.  Not sure why, but my tail is all kinds of fluffy for some reason and it did a good job of preventing her from getting me the message.

“What!?” I called back, looking at Applejack in confusion.

She rolled her pretty green eyes and spat out my tail, “Ah said that you had best not let go’a her!  And why in tarnation does your tail taste like sweet tea?!”

Awkward~!  I felt a blush come to my impassive face and started to respond, but with the chain broken, The Nightmare no longer had any reason to tote around those heavy Earth Ponies.  As such, they were tossed away like a pair of Twinkie wrappers.  If this situation was any less crazy, I would have laughed at them.  As it was, we’ll all have to be content with the knowledge that Pinkie Pie sure enjoyed being tossed.  I swear, she would probably cackle her way off a cliff.

I, on the other hand, suddenly felt like my life expectancy had taken to skydiving without a parachute.

“Human!” The Nightmare snarled loudly, “Submit your form or I will take hers!”

“F-Form?” I asked, looking around as The Nightmare picked up speed. “Like a W-2?”

“Your body, foal!” it spat angrily, that same cartoony face appearing inside of my gassy prison, “Submit it!”

“I’m not giving you my body!” I replied without hesitation, my eyes wide with shock.

I felt the sky-blue pony stir as she slowly lifted her head to face me.

“So be it,” Rainbow Dash whispered as her eyes opened up to reveal her beautiful magenta eyes slowly becoming draconian in appearance. “We’ll have it your way then.”

“No!” I cried shaking Dash as the slanted eyes slowly changed back before closing.

“Then submit!” The Nightmare hissed.

I blinked fearfully but I did not hesitate overmuch.

I swallowed with a nod before answering, “F… Fine.”

I could hear The Nightmare chuckling softly into my ear as though she were standing right behind me.  I felt a chilling sensation spread throughout my body as though I were losing feeling in every last part of me.  I shut my eyes and felt the overwhelming urge to cry out, but by the time I yielded to it, I no longer could move on my own.  It was almost like I was going to sleep or being forcibly sedated; only my heart was pounding as though it were going to jump right out of my chest.  It was probably the single most terrifying experience I’d ever encountered.

Then a voice softly rung out in my head as the entire world and every sensation seemed to freeze.

~Oh, aren’t we in quite a pickle…~

~Stupid Bird!~ My memory put the voice to the feathers and I was a lot more excited than I should have been.  Now, it should be said that there is probably something wrong with me since my first reaction upon hearing a voice in my head was to exclaim enthusiastically.

~You remembered, I’m touched.~

I eventually got around to the sensible question.  I’m not entirely stupid.  Just mostly.  ~How are you in my head!?~

~Is that truly important at the moment?~ it replied with impatience and sarcasm both dripping off its words.

~I… I guess not.  Look, I’m sorry for being an asshole earlier!~ I thought desperately, hoping it was here to help me and not rub it into my face that I shouldn’t have been such a douche.  I totally would have deserved it, though.  Not that I would ever admit that in public.

~You should be.~

~Help me and I’ll find you a worm!  Two worms!~

~Your bargaining posture isn’t what I would call outstanding.~

~Fine.  You win.  Three worms.~  Sometimes, I can be stupid in the face of oblivion.  Not everyone would name that as a quality, but I like to call those people haters.  Or maybe they’re just intelligent.  I can’t be bothered with such trivial details.

~Oh, we’ll be extracting payment, child.  I did say I would make you regret it.~

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what those in the entertainment industry like to call foreshadowing.  Ugly, ominous, nasty foreshadowing.  It... I won’t say it wasn’t worth it, but damn it, I am never blindly scrolling to the bottom and clicking ‘Agree’ ever again!

However, being too stupid at the time, all I did was get all excited as I realized the implications of her words. ~Does that mean…~

I ‘heard’ a contemptuous sigh from Stupid Bird.  You know the kind.  The part where the other party is letting out that defeated huff where they are resigned to do something that don’t want to do, yet they have to nonetheless.  Yeah, that one.

~Yes, I suppose it does mean that I will help you.  As long as we’re in agreement, that is...~

~Well, seeing as how my bargaining posture isn’t what you would call outstanding... I guess so!~

~Consider yourself helped then.~

~You have been promoted to Awesome Bird.~

And then she sassed me with sarcasm, which made me a lot happier than what was necessary.  ~Your generosity truly knows no bounds.  Are you prepared?~

~Totally!  How we do?~

~We don’t do anything.  You sit there like a slack-jawed moron.  I’ll do the rest.~

~You just had to slip that sn-…~

And without any so much as a moment’s notice, time was suddenly back on track and I was back to being entirely helpless.  The Nightmare’s dark laughter began to rise in zeal as the edges of my vision began to fade out.

“Your selflessness is admirable, Human,” The Nightmare whispered soothingly, “I may show a modicum of mercy to the Equestrians for your act of sacrifice.”

Cliché villainyyy!!!

Just before blacking out, I felt a painful burn sweep throughout me like a rush of flame originating from within.  I caught myself on the edge of consciousness and began to struggle in every possible way I could as the incredibly acute pain extended to every part of my being.  I do remember it hurting so incredibly much that I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t even draw breath of my own volition at the time.  I’m not sure what it was inside me, but it was white-hot and it wanted out something fierce.  I didn’t know how to give it what it wanted, though.

“What are you doing?” The Nightmare asked, its voice now uncertain.

I felt the pain ease a bit as I discovered that I could speak again.

“H… Hot,” I croaked, my eyes wide with pain and confusion.

As I spoke, though, I caught sight of a few wisps of flame trickling out of my mouth.  The pain slowly drifted out of me, but the fire inside was still there.  It burned hot in my chest, but if I had to call it anything other than freaky, I’d have said that it was empowering.  What shortly followed was not what I was expecting to happen in the least.

“Stop!” The Nightmare ordered, my entire form shuddering as she tried to exert her will over mine, “I command you!”

“Oh,” I murmured, now in complete control of my body, “Well, since you asked so nicely.”

And I then released that fire within me.  I’m not sure I can say how other than it was just what felt natural.  I somehow just... knew, I guess... what would happen next.  The idea of knowing without actually knowing is crazy, right?  Muffins.  Regardless of intention, knowledge, or what have you, my captor suddenly caught fire, including everything that had me and Rainbow Dash all wrapped up.

“DECEIVER!” It shrieked in agony as it dropped us on the ground.

Side Note:  Flying incredibly fast and then making a full stop just before losing all inertia and momentum was an amazingly bizarre sensation.  Not tail-pulling bad, but yeah.  It was pretty funky.

Our drop wasn’t long and I really couldn’t even tell where we were.  All I knew was that it was about ten feet until pony-to-ground collision, and that The Nightmare was soaring off into the distance, screaming hysterically at me as it continued to put distance between it and Celestia.  The only reason I was able to pay it any attention was thanks to the fact that it was on fire, burning as though it were made of butane or something.  More Equestrian non-physics at work, if you would.

Out of instinct, I grabbed hold of the unconscious Rainbow Dash and braced for impact.  I made a whiny sound of fear as we plummeted.  I’m fairly certain it wasn’t going to kill me, but that doesn’t mean I was in a real big hurry to see what it was like to jump off the top of my house and land on my back.  Luckily, I didn’t have to find out that day as we were caught just before impact by a tiny whirlwind made of a gentle, glowing white breeze.  I looked about frantically at the small white wisps, tantalizingly spinning around me as they gently set me on the ground.  When a brilliant radiance shone from behind me, I turned around without even thinking and crouched defensively.  I clutched at the still KO’d Rainbow Dash with one forehoof as I prepared myself for another fight.  With the adrenaline still pumping in my veins, I nearly lashed out at the source of the light before even pausing to consider my actions.

A soft, easily recognized voice helped me to cool my heels though.

“Easy, My Little Pony,” she said as she approached, her incredibly bright aura dissipating to a gentle, regal glow, “You are safe now.”

“Celestia?” I murmured before smiling up at her.

Before more words could be exchange, a brilliant white-blue streak of light rocketed right past us, carrying enough wind in its wake to knock me over.  It swerved upward as it chased after The Nightmare, even though it was barely a flicker in the horizon at that point.

“Storm Wing!” Celestia shouted in an entirely non-comforting tone.

The streak of light came back.

“Yes, Princess!” he acknowledged loudly.

His voice was both incredibly strong and intimidating.  I don’t associate intimidating with ponies, typically, so you know it had to be unmistakably intimidating for me to say that.  I didn’t get a close look at him due to him having covered at least twenty stories worth of height in that short time.  Still, I was able to make out an almost white pegasus up in the sky with a steel-blue mane and tail.

“Get back to Canterlot!” she ordered, “Warn Luna and muster the Sky Archons.  I want a pair of Archons at every town and city before nightfall.”

There was a very noticeable moment of hesitation before ‘Storm Wing’ took off a streak of honest-to-God lightning trailing after him.  I did as Stupid Bird ordered by standing there like a slack-jawed moron.  That pegasus was officially cool.  He’s got lightning.  Real lightning!

“W-What happened?”

Celestia and I stared at Dash as she stirred awake, still being protectively held in my hoof.  Oh, I had such an urge to drop her right then and there out of a childish need for vindication against the time she let me hit the ground.  I, however, am a bigger pony than that.  She opened her very non-draconian eyes and blinked them a few times lazily before getting her bearings.

“Woah,” she groaned before looking up at Celestia and then at me.

This was it!  The moment my favorite pony declared me as awesome for saving her and I would live with a perfectly fulfilled life!  Ah, life is grand.

“Are you alright, Rainbow Dash?” Celestia asked as she stepped closer.

“Aww, I was out for the whole thing?” she grumped, glaring down at the ground with a sigh, “I completely missed Celestia saving us.”

And that’s where I ran out of give-a-damn.

“What?!” I gasped, completely floored by the stolen glory.

Celestia let a slight smile creep at the corner of her mouth, “Actually…”

“Pffft!” I huffed before promptly dropping her onto the ground, “Oh, you can go directly to hell, and don’t bother asking to about two hundred dollars!”

From there it got pretty boring.  The long and short of it was that Celestia grabbed us and used her sick Alicorn magic to levitate us back to Ponyville, stopping along the way to pick up Pinkie Pie and Applejack.  The two of them were fine except for being terrified at the prospect that they nearly lost one of their best friends.  Pinkie was insisting on staying near Rainbow Dash in case something tried to take her again.  It was sorta subtle, but I take a very real interest in psychology (thanks to my insane family) and I can tell you this:  Pinkie’s cheerful demeanor was a mask to her fear.  You’d only notice after watching her closely, but yeah, it was there in the way she was looking about.  Sure, she made it look silly and random, but she was definitely keeping a vigilant bright blue eye out.

I’m not sure why it took so long to get back; maybe The Nightmare went a lot faster than I had thought in its attempt to outrun Celestia.  Whatever the case, even with Celestia’s assistance it took us quite a while, and it was nearing sundown by the time we got there.  Celestia did very little talking and was watching me like a hawk the entire time.  She wasn’t being hostile, but I guess you don’t live for a thousand or more years without being very cautious.  Regardless, small talk was kept to a minimum.  Scary things have a tendency to quiet people and the ponies were no exception.  I didn’t press for any conversation; rather I just floated in peace.

When we finally got back to Ponyville, Celestia took us to Twilight’s library.  We were met by the Applebloom rocket that had fired as soon as the door opened.  Poor Applejack never stood a chance against her teary-eyed sister.  After the shock wore off and the relief was all spread about, everypony began to filter on into the building.  I figured I would stay outside; for the moment at least.  Mostly because I needed a cigarette and some time to think.  Celestia hesitated entering the library upon noticing my election to chill.

“Are you all right?” she asked, remaining unmoving as she awaited my answer.

I turned her way before pulling out a cigarette and lighting it with a smirk, “Never better.”

She took a moment to digest that but eventually smiled and nodded, “Good.  And may I ask your name?”

I blinked at the question before tilting my head and chuckling, “Well, Pinkie has been calling me No-Name for now, so uh… That’ll do for now.  Twilight said I can’t be Anon-Pony anyway.”

She seemed a mite confused at first but eventually closed her eyes as she let out a soft laugh. “I see.  I won’t press for more at this time, then.  After all, were it not for you, Rainbow Dash would have been captured, and as the bearer of the Element of Loyalty, all could have been lost.  Thank you.”

She didn’t know The Nightmare was after me.  Without even considering my action, I decided to let her keep thinking that for the moment.  Hell, it’s not like I knew what that was all about.

“No problem.  I’m pretty awesome like that,” I said with a wink, “Not that I had any clue what I was doing.”

Hear that?  That’s my self-image going down the toilet and getting clogged up on the rising guilt.  I can lie with the best of them, but every time I do… Eh, let’s just say my conscience is pretty hardcore about whipping me into line.

“Still, I thank you,” she said softly before turning to go inside, pausing to ask one last question, “Where are you from?  What world, I mean?”

I blinked a few times as I digested the question.  I figured one fib was enough and simply played it straight, “Heh, I doubt you’ve heard of it.  S’called Earth.  How’d you guess, anyway?  I figured you couldn’t tell what with calling me your little pony and such.”

She paused just outside the door before glancing back at me.  Her face was impassive at first, but she let one last comforting smile show before looking back into the entrance of the library, “That’s because you are, my nameless newcomer.  Welcome to Equestria.”

And then I had a fangasm.

-=-

This has been a fan-written story by CardsLafter - Follow me on DeviantArt to stay up to date with TTEOAP

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My Little Pony and all characters involved are © of Hasbro and Lauren Faust

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Three:  A Series of Tubes and A Bucket of Water

By CardsLafter

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Commence the great and powerful recap!  I woke up in Ponyville, I had a bromantic day with Spike, I fed Twilight, I partook in insanity-time with Pinkie Pie, and I sassed Stupid Bird shortly before making up with it.  And somewhere in there I got attacked by a rose bush and The Nightmare.  Oh, and my second favorite pony called me her little pony and meant it.  Squee!

Overall, this day was kicking butt, ass, and flank all at once without any apologies whatsoever.  Indeed, the amount of derriere getting kicked here was naught but staggering.  It was almost too much for me.  Even though I was on Twilight’s front lawn, smoking a cigarette, and staring at the cartoony sunset, I was still having troubles believing that this was actually happening.  I mean, it was just surreal.  How could this have happened at all?  Why me?  And just how was I supposed to digest all this awesome?  I mean it wasn’t getting filtered or anything!

In the middle of my internal questionnaire, Stupid Bird interrupted my train of thought by landing on my back.  I turned my head and glanced back at her, pausing to marvel at just how far I could turn my head.  Extendo-neck~!

“Hey there, Featherduster,” I said with a smirk, drawing a puff off the cigarette and smiling at it.  Well, I guess it would be more appropriate to say ‘her’ by this point.  She did save my life, so I guess she should get a pronoun and stuff.

“Hay is for horses, and you by proxy,” said Stupid Bird after a second of wing preening, “And you’re welcome.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.  I wasn’t certain how powerful Stupid Bird was, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out, either.  Besides, I had questions and Stupid Bird had answers.

“Thanks again,” I said earnestly, “Sorry about the douchebaggery earlier.”

“Your vocabulary is reminiscent of foul poetry.  Apology accepted.”

Stupid Bird was snarky.  I like that.  I’d rather match wits and verbally spar than deal with some boring asshole that thinks they’re far more important than they really are.

“Besides, I’ve had plenty of time to think it over.  You’re smarter than you both look and act, even if you aren’t as smart as you think.  And yes, I understand that you had no reason to trust me and still don’t beyond a single act of goodwill.”

Pffft!  Goodwill?  More like blackmail.  Not that I was going to throw that in there like an dumbass.  Like it or not, Stupid/Awesome Bird had saved my life.  I could spare her the slightest modicum of courtesy.  I’m not so stupid as to be impolite.  Though I suppose that would depend on whom you ask.

“Eh.  We can let it go for now,” I said as I waved a dismissive hoof. “But I totally owe you.”

“That you do,” she agreed, nodding her beak slowly enough to be ominous, “But there are more pleasant subjects to discuss.  No doubt you are curious of a great many things.”

“I am but uh…” I hesitated, absently chewing at my lip. “Is this going to cost me every time or something?”

Just checkin’ the fine print.  I’d say sue me, but that’s what checkin’ the fine print is for after all.

“No.  We made a deal and I have to uphold my half of the bargain,” she clarified, her unblinking eyes staring right into mine. “I’ll help you as much as I can while drawing as little attention to myself as possible.”

“Sounds like you get a cakewalk and I get to do the heavy lifting.  Eh, everything has its price, I suppose.” I sighed before lighting up a cigarette and gazing into the box just on the offchance that the pack of cigarettes had been depleting without my knowing. “Okay, seriously though.  What exactly is the deal we made?”

“Oh, did you not pay attention to the details?” she said, tilting her head just a tad.

I swear, I don’t know how, but that beak was giving me the most condescending smirk I had ever seen.  Without moving!  No, I don’t know how that works, either!

I chuckled a bit nervously as I took a long heavy drag. “Nope, I totally ignored the hell out of you.”

“Your loss.” She shrugged.  With her wings.  For some reason, I found that offensive.

My jaw dropped.

“W-What!?” I cried, keeping my voice down so as to not draw attention from the ponies inside.  I know now why I did that, but at the time I had no clue why I didn’t want them to come out. “That’s it?  ‘Tough shit’?  You can’t tell me?  Wasn’t it something about protecting Equestria?”

She laughed at me.  Out loud!  … How dare she.

“Hardly.  Perhaps you could not tell, but I was aware of your lack of situational awareness and simply led you on.  Even my outburst was to lead you into thinking your position was at a deficit in our next exchange.  I would not waste my time binding you into doing something you would already do.  Now that you know for certain that this place is real and not a dream, you’ll give flesh and blood to keep this world and those that live in it safe from any and all harm.  Rest assured, though, if you had been paying attention, you would have been able to understand what I was asking of you.”

I had been played.  It hurts.  Even to this day it burns my ass to know that I’d been had.  It sure as hell ended up being a life lesson, though.  When I sign an MMO’s EULA, it’s because I’ve already acquired myself a printed copy and have spent more time reading it than playing the damn game.  When I go to Holiday Inn, I make myself more familiar with the policies than the damn employees.  When I flush the toilet, I’ve already made sure that there’s no addendum that states that by activating the mechanism, I thereby take all responsibility of the direct and indirect consequences and am liable for restitution, including, but not limited to, giving them the right to name my first child Skippy, paying to have the whole damn plumbing system replaced, granting them ownership of my soul and any inheritance I might have to give, and my taking of any and all bullshit.  No pun intended.  Also, certain details may be grossly exaggerated, but not as much as you might suspect.

“Then how am I supposed to uphold my half!?  I don’t even know what you want from me!”

“I find that is more your problem than mine,” she reminded me with a chuckle, “Besides, you seem to have a great distaste for authority so I’ll no doubt have an easier time of manipulating you towards my desired goal if you are unable to actively work against it.”

My jaw further unhinged and I dropped my cigarette as a result.  Oh, it was deliciously true.  I mean, looking back, she had no idea just how right she was.  I have no problems respecting authority, but I take issue with having my chain yanked around.  True, things could have had a better start than me being a general assbutt. I mean, I don’t do it often.  In fact I’m a pretty easygoing guy.  But while I have a tendency to be very… let’s say… impulsive, maybe?  I am a very good judge of character.  I’m quite literally the only person I know that studies psychology for the simple joy of understanding people better.  Do you realize just how much easier it is to get along with people when you can almost scientifically understand where they are coming from?  

It’s amazing.

Amazing, that is, until you run into one of those people. Those people are the ones that see everything and everyone around them as means to an end.  Those people I just can’t connect with.  Stupid Bird, as it turns out, is one of those people.  I can work with them when forced to, but when it comes down to it, those people are the ones I find myself actively being aggressive against in a futile effort to get them to understand that I will not be used.

Hey!  Never said I was perfect.  Quite the opposite, really.

“I…But!  How can…” I stammered for a few seconds, mentally grasping at the first straw I could find. “You… … Are a bitch!”

“No, I am simply a pragmatic bird.  There is a difference.” She certainly sounded pragmatic. “Keep in mind that I bear you no ill will.  I will not try to disrupt your stay in the slightest.  Unless, of course, your actions would interfere with my goals.  Intentional or not.”

“Whatever.  Stupid Bird…” I turned away grumpily.  I’d turn my butt her way, but she was on my back still and that would have involved some freaky deaky yoga magic.

“If you care, I go by Tisiphone.”

I blinked in shock as the name slowly registered.  I turned back to look at her, my eyes showing more shock than suspicion.  “As in… the…”

“Greek Fury of Vengeful Destruction, yes.  And no, before you ask, I am not really Tisiphone.  My name is merely a concept and that is as close a match as I can find.”

Oh, now I’m comfortable.  Goodness gracious, I thought I was just dealing with a worshiper of Tzeentch or something.  An Aspect of Destruction is just loads better and brings out all the warm fuzzies deep within me.  An aspect of destruction that wants to use me to protect something.  I think.  Or hell, maybe that’s just a red herring and I’m going to be the doom of all ponies everywhere.  Jesus Christ, how horrifying.

Best to start whittling her down, just in case.

“Huh.  I’ll call you Tissy!” Because ponies.  That’s why.

Tissy leaned away from me as though I was made of bubonic plague. “I… I won’t allow that.”

“Too late, Tissy!  It’s been done,” I cried, flashing the biggest grin that I could possibly manage.  That’s really big, for those of you that aren’t aware.

“I think I have to leave now,” she replied as she took on an air of introspection. Her voice, while calm, had a slightly manic edge to it and while she was still technically talking to me, her attitude suggested that she was trying to reason with herself.  Maybe she was trying not to be blown away by my awesome.  Maybe she was trying to avoid murdering me.  There’s no way to know for certain.

“I get the suspicion that if I remain here long enough, one of us is going to die.” She took flight and landed in front of me with that physics breaking trick of hers. “Either me by way of your stupidity, or you by way of me strangling you.  A lot.”

Nope.  No possible way to know.  Let’s just be optimistic and assume the best.

I reached a hoof over and gently pat on her little birdy head.  “Now, now.  Let’s not throw a Tissy fit.”

Tissy leveled a look that would have impaled me on the spot if her malice were material.   And then she exploded.  Not literally, but it made this trippy little ‘fwoop!’ sound before disappearing in a small cloud of blue and black feathers that just… faded away.

“Oh my God, I killed it,” I mused aloud, blinking several times before shaking my head.

I decided that was enough outdoor shenanigans for one day.  I took one final drag off my cigarette before holding it up to my face.  I stared at it with intent, willing it to burst into flame as casually as I could.  And I totally didn’t scream (much) when it obeyed.  After making sure no one saw that embarrassing display, I went inside.  My arrival warranted no attention as a conversation was already in progress.  At least they were talking about me.  That made me feel special.

“And then he started mouthing off to it, provoking it into attacking!” Twilight sounded a wee bit frustrated.

Maybe not as special as I would have liked to feel.

“Next time I’ll just roll over and take it,” I butted in, chuckling as I made my way into the library. “Seriously, you don’t think things would have gone better if I hadn’t sassed it into submission, do you?”

Twilight had enough benches marking the edges of the library to accommodate everypony.  Except for Celestia.  She didn’t have any Queen or Princess sized benches.  Alas, Dear Princess Celestia was forced to stand.  So stand she did, but near a window where she could keep an eye on anything approaching.  Applejack was doing that pony-equivalent of sitting over near the staircase with Applebloom doing likewise on her back.  Rainbow Dash was stretched out on her back over the top shelf of a bookcase.  Pinkie was nowhere to be found, which can be terrifying given the right circumstances.  Spike wasn’t around, but I knew where he was thanks to the smell of frying noodles.

“I suppose we’ll never know.” Her reply was dry and her eyes fixated upon me with a gaze that screamed ‘Disapproving Mother.’

“Well, maybe not you.  But I do,” I countered frowning at her as I hopped up onto the bench and flopped down on it.  Mmmm… Sanded pine never felt so good.

Celestia’s soft smile shifted into a pensive stare. “Please explain.”

“The ‘Nightmare’ was very straightforward,” I continued with a yawn. “It has plans.  Nasty plans.  Plans that don’t involve the well being of ponies everywhere.  I don’t know what they are, but I know its idea of a good time isn’t what we would call a ‘widely shared opinion’.  So sassing it wasn’t going to make things worse.  It made them better, in fact!  In the sense that I got to smacktalk the villain and it irritated Twilight to no end.”

Twilight’s disapproving gaze graduated to a full-fledged glare of annoyance.

“And if you just take all that winsauce, you could fill up a jar this big with it.” I held up my hooves, putting enough space in between them to fit a big jar of mayonnaise in. “And it would be delicious.  One big ol’ jar of winsauce.  Mmm!”

Dash snickered from her perch as Twilight rolled her eyes.  I could tell she was trying to hide her amusement.  Trust me on this, I’ve both annoyed and entertained enough people to tell when they’re faking either one.

“Speaking of delicious,” Celestia smiled as a certain tiny purple dragon wheeled in a serving cart covered in bowls of Lo Mein.

“Ermagerd~!” I cried before hopping off the bench and rainbow dashing over to snatch a bowl for myself. “Thanks, big guy!”

Twilight wasn’t as enthusiastic about it as I was.  I guess she’s just too bitter to let some things go.  Still, she didn’t wait for Spike to head her way before nabbing her own bowl with magic.  “Thank you, Spike.”

He beamed at our gratitude before carting off to the other ponies.  Everypony else stared at the two of us as we began to dig in.  Oh man, it was amazing.  Now, I won’t lie, I was proud of the Lo Mein I made earlier.  I put some heart, soul, blood, sweat, and tears into that stuff and I’ll be damned if it didn’t turn out half-decent.  Spike, however, knows his stuff.  He had already improved on the recipe significantly and had added something that made it taste like it had been cooked with pork.  Not exactly like, but rather close.  Either that or he actually cooked pork in it and then removed it afterwards, but I doubt that.  Magic, mayhaps?  Magical pork seasoning!  No, wait!  MAGIC.  BACON.  SEASONING.

“What is it?” Applebloom shied away from it like it was going to jump out of the bowl and kill her.  That brought back memories of a younger me!

“Dude called it ‘Low Mane’ and showed me how to make it.” Spike shrugged before handing out the last bowl to Rainbow Dash, who was glancing back and forth between Spike and the dish as though she were trying to determine if he was being serious.

Celestia decided to risk her life and give it a chance after witnessing me and Twilight.  I mean, we were tearing into it like a pair of hungry Neanderthals.  Very carefully she extracted one of the noodles and gave it a testing nibble.

“Oh my!” Celestia exclaimed before levitating a fork and spinning it in the dish to serve herself liberally.  Keep in mind, Celestia’s mouth is significantly larger and is able to accommodate a lot more food than the rest of us.  Because of this, she was able to somehow appear dainty and regal whilst eating at my pace.  Which isn’t fair at all.

Long story short, everypony ended up loving the food, Spike was crowned royal chef, and we all lived happily ever after.  The end.

The end of the fun parts, I mean.  Because it definitely didn’t stay fun for me from there on.  Because halfway through dinner, I was ambushed by questions.  Questions everywhere.

“So, No-Name!” Pinkie called out with her mouth very much full, “Where are you from?  Is it nice?”

“Depends on who you ask,” I replied, giving a half-hearted chuckle, “I’m… fairly neutral about my home.  I could take it or leave it, personally.”

“What’s it called?” Applebloom was draped across the top of Applejack’s head, sporting her big sister’s hat.

I swallowed before responding.

“Earth.”

“Earth as in Earth Pony?” Rainbow Dash interjected.

“Quite right, Lady Dashington.” Sadly, I was lacking a monocle. “In fact, humans are a lot like Earth Ponies.  We build stuff with nothing but brains and brawn.”

“That sounds boring!” Dash pointed out in a less-than-civil manner.  But she did so in a manner befitting one so cool.

Celestia quietly watched us all gab it up, content to pretty much fade into the background as she kept one eye on the window.  At least, I think it was aimed outside.  Celestia’s hair has this tendency to block one of her eyes at any given moment.  That’s gotta be hell on the depth perception.  I kept expecting her to collide with a wall or something.  And then destroy it for its impudent attack uponst her royal person… pony.  Whatever.

“Wait, so humans have no magic whatsoever?” Twilight asked, giving me a skeptical glance.

Celestia suddenly became very interested in the conversation.  She didn’t say anything but most of her smile faded as stared at me.  I hesitated in answering, somewhat distracted by her attention.  I recovered quickly enough that none of the others seemed to notice (or they did and didn’t mention it).

“Well, I certainly didn’t have any magic before I got here!” I said with a chuckle. “Except opposable thumbs.  Those are pretty magical.  Right, Spike?”

Spike gave me a thumbs-up from the kitchen.  Brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant.

“But your magic glass you showed me earlier.  The one with the tubes connected to it?” Twilight pointed a hoof at me accusingly.

It took me a few moments to get what she meant.  Then it hit me.  The cell phone!

“Ah yes, the series of tubes,” I said with a chuckle, pulling it out and showing it off. “This is actually an electronic device.  Nothing magical about it.  Lights and clockwork, as it were.  Just on an incredibly small scale.”

So yeah, you know that thing with Douglas Adams and flying?  If you ever say to yourself, ‘I cannot possibly be flying!’ then reality will reinsert itself and you’ll fall to the ground?  Same thing with trying to use a flat hoof to manipulate the security lock on a touchscreen cell phone.  It was like trying to pick up that stupid teacup all over again.  Only now I was humiliating myself in front of all the ponies.

“Mother Eff-Bomb!” I growled, trying to get the damn thing to cooperate before finally remembering that I just had to let it happen.  Like the Centipede’s Dilemma or something.

 Pinkie snorted gleefully.  She liked that phrase.  Which I still kinda feel bad about, whenever I think about it.

“This is harder without fingers,” I sighed before looking up at the ponies with a slight blush, “I need you guys to say something… distracting.”

“Like what?” asked Applejack as she tilted her head to the side.

They all proceeded to look at me as though I were asking to borrow their livers.  I don’t know why a slightly odd request is so difficult to comprehend, but there you have it.  Ponies can sometimes be a little hard to work with.  After a few seconds of non-distracting silence, I sighed.

“Atta way to let me down, guys!” I sighed before looking back at the hoof that held my phone.  Much to my surprise, it was empty.

“LOOK LOOK!” Pinkie squealed as she held my phone up for everypony to see.

I don’t know how, okay?  I just don’t.  Pinkie Pie unlocked my phone.  Do you want to know how hard that is?  The unlock pattern is complex enough that I don’t have to worry about people watching me unlock it.  Seriously, I’ve had people stare over my shoulder and then immediately try to unlock it themselves, only to be met by taunting failure.  I’m not making this up, there’s like nine different steps to it and a whole lot of line crossing.  So for Pinkie to just guess the combination to unlock it was not only frustrating, but utterly stupefying as well.

“How did y-…” I started to say, only to be ignored by… Well, everyone, actually.

“It’s Twilight with wings, everypony!” She waved the phone around so quickly that there was no way they could actually see what was in front of them.

Twilight blushed, suddenly aware of the picture being shown around.

Dash was very interested in this. “Pinkie, hold it still!”

She tried to keep maneuvering in front of the overly energetic hoof waving, but she simply gave up and snatched it out of Pinkie’s hoof.

“Hey!” Pinkie was displeased, but only for the briefest of moments.

Dash stared into the phone with her eyes wide. “Woah, Twilight, you look just like the princess!”

That got just about everypony else’s curiosity riled and before you knew it, everypony that wasn’t me, Celestia, and Twilight was stuffing their heads together to see the phone.  I was kinda surprised that the princess wasn’t that interested, to be honest.  After having thought about it though, I’m sure she’s heard of crazier things in life.  I personally forgot to give a damn and went right back to eating, as did Twilight, but Celestia kept an eye on the device just in case it exploded or something.  Okay, that may have been an assumption, but it’s as good a guess as anything else.

Finally, after they all got their peeks in, Pinkie ran over to me with the phone in her mouth.  I was somewhat engrossed in my evening meal that I didn’t notice her right away (Pinkie is fast and quiet, you see.  Like a bright pink ninja poninja…).  By the time I caught sight of her in my peripheral vision, she wasn’t the only one quietly waiting.  Pinkie, AJ, Bloom, and Dash were all staring at me as though I was holding everything up.  I started to ask what was up before I realized my phone was in Pinkie’s mouth.  My reaction was to snatch it out of there for obvious reasons.

“Ewww,” I whined, “You got Pinkie slobber on it.”

Surprisingly enough, there was actually no slobber.  But damn it, there should have been!

“Show us another!” she demanded, pointing at the phone.

I blinked at her before looking back at the Motorola 4GX, pursing my lips in contemplation.  What harm could there be, right?  With that in mind, I went to my phone’s personal gallery (consisting of 30% ponies, 30% video games, 20% memebase stuff, and 20% randomness).

“Okay just… Just keep it out of your mouth.  Here, when you want to see a new picture just slide to the next one like this.” I slid my hoof across the screen, moving the view over to the next photo.  I swear, if I had spared a single iota of my thought process realizing that I had just used a flat hoof on a touch screen that covered approximately 60% of the screen, I likely would have went crazy.  Fortunately for me, though, I have the attention span of a cat on nip, so I was spared the Lovecraftian descent into madness.

Pinkie was ENAMORED.  She snatched it back up with her mouth (… le sigh) and scampered all of three feet back to the others to show off her newly acquired alien knowledge.  The ‘Ooo’s and ‘Aah’s that gushed forth were silly to say the least.  I couldn’t help but chuckle as the inevitable, “What’s this!?” started up.

Well, seeing as I had little over a hundred pictures on my phone, I’ll just hit the highlights and the silly parts.

Pinkie loves meme pictures.  After explaining the ones that had any chance of making sense to her, she would explode into an unmitigated bout of laughter.  Luckily, I didn’t keep any of those awful pokepuns (erectabuzz… Nuff said!).  That’d have been downright frustrating to elaborate on.

Dash suddenly found me to be much cooler after discovering I was a Spitfire fan.  I don’t blame her.  I think Spitfire’s awesome, what with her slightly empowered voice of awesome.  Spitfire’s the bomb-diggity and stuff.  Word.

Applejack was really skeptical that this wasn’t magic at first, but that got canned when I pointed out that cameras weren’t magical and used the camera to snap a picture of her.  And then she got all sorts of worked up when I showed her the video-record feature.  To be fair, she wasn’t the only one to think that was utterly amazing, but she was the one that found it more intriguing than anything else.

Then the voice recorder came up.  It wasn’t that interesting until I showed them how to mess with the voices.  That was where Twilight got involved.  How much easier would it be to just dictate everything instead of write it down?  Apparently easy enough for her to honestly wonder how hard it would be to make her own.

Applebloom was pretty interested all around but it wasn’t until she saw a picture of a human that she actually gasped.

“What’s that!” she pointed.

‘That’ was an old picture that I’d digitized and moved from phone to phone, making sure it always stayed with me.  My phone never left my side, so I never had to worry about losing it that way.  But as for what the picture actually pertained to… Well, it’s something of a touchy subject.

“That’s a human girl, right?” Twilight asked, glancing at me before getting this worried look on her face, “Are you… alright?”

Dunno what was on my face, but it probably wasn’t a smile.  I mean, I’m not one of those guys that lets little mementos drive him into a rage or teary mess, but that doesn’t mean that I’m immune to the stuff either.

“Why’s it so fuzzy?” Applebloom asked, looking up to me before reaching out a hoof and gently tapping mine. “No-Name?”

I blinked as the contact brought me back to reality (or as close as it gets anyway) before glancing down at Applebloom and smirking, “Well, uh… It’s a really old picture.  Cameras weren’t as good back then as they are now.”

They all looked at me to continue explaining what the picture was about but that was just not gonna happen.

“So yeah, um… That’s enough show and tell for now!” I picked up the phone before doing this motion that was akin to stashing stuff into a pocket.  No, I don’t actually have any pockets, but that seems to be where the magic comes into play.

“Waaait!” Pinkie dived for the flank I stashed it at and hit me like a pony-shaped bag full of rocks.  Earth Ponies… Y U SO HEVY?

“AHHHH!” I screamed as we tumbled, glad for the distraction from the photograph, “SWEET CELESTIA, IT’S GOT ME!!!”

Celestia’s expression said it all.  She wasn’t going to do squat to save me from the needy greedy Pinkie.  Oh, she’ll save you from The Nightmare, but you throw a Pinkie at something and you’re on your own!

It took some coercion, some assistance, a few delicious-looking cupcakes and something shiny to distract her, but I was eventually separated from Pinkie thanks to the mercy of Applejack and Twilight.  Not Rainbow Dash, though.  No, she was already busy.  Laughing herself sick, if you must know.  

Still, I was relieved to escape the pink clutches of doom.  I thought it was going to take me chewing my leg off or something (seriously, I put that on the table more than once).  Luckily, I did get to make it out with all my pieces attached and I didn’t have to explain what the picture was and why I was acting all funky about it.  After gathering my wits, I dashed up the stairs as frantically as I could.  With all the smoothness of a piece of sandpaper, I politely (if somewhat hastily) excused myself for a cigarette and stepped out on Twilight’s balcony.

“That was a close one,” I mused aloud, checking the bruise on my flank.  Unless that was my actual Cutie Mark.  Oh man, that would suck; my special talent is getting the shit beat out of me.  Whatever.  Stupid, unhateable Pinkie!  It wasn’t visible or anything, but it still smarted right where my cutie mark would be.  IF I HAD ONE!

“Are you trying to complicate matters?”

I didn’t scream, but I did startle and strike the coolest ninja pose in the history of pony-ninja poses.  Imagine my disappointment when there were no other ninjas about, but rather, just Tisiphone, the Stupid Bird of Vengeful Destruction and her stupid, vengefully destructive self resting upon the stupid safety rails that were quite clearly a device of anti-vengeance and destruction-prevention.

“Dinkleburg...” I seethed whilst narrowing eyes.

“What?”

“Nothing!” I blurted before lighting my cigarette, “What’s up?  Would you like some Lo Mein?”

“No, thank you,” she replied politely, “I’m here to stop you from making a grievous error.”

“You were only gone like two hours!  How have I screwed anything up by just talking to the ponies!?”

“That’s what I said,” she said with an exasperated sigh, “Imagine my surprise.  I figured you’d have waited at least until tomorrow to start ruining Equestria with your buffoonery.”

“Your face is a buffoonery,” I snapped, feeling prickly all of a sudden.

“Oh stow the bitterness, child,” she groaned before flying over and attempting to land on my muzzle.

For real, does anyone else freak out when something flies into their face?  Let me actually ask the more sensible question:  Who DOESN’T freak out when something flies at their face?  Absolutely no one, that’s who.  I don’t care if it’s a bird, a bat, a bee, or (God-forbid) a spider!  You.  Will.  Freak.

Perhaps even like this:

“GEEEGERPPFFFT!” I sputtered as I swiped at the bird attempting to drop down onto my nose.  Purely reaction, okay?  A damned reasonable one, too.  Effin’ birds and their effin’ face attacks.  EFF!

She backed away and hovered in midair before exploding into a mocking guffaw.  I was all sorts of flankhurt about that.

“You are NOT allowed to land on my face!  End of story!” I rubbed my nose as I growled angrily at my assailant.

“Oh, keep your voice down,” she said with a chuckle, having landed on the nearby telescope that Twilight leaves out on the balcony at all hours, day and night.  Apparently, their lenses don’t get moisture in them or something, because all it would take is one week of Floridian humidity to permanently ruin one of those.

I took another drag off my cigarette and pouted silently as I glared at the fowl with disgruntlement.  Complete with sitting on the other side of the balcony and crossing my hooves.

“Oh, how mature,” she sighed, facepalming into her wing, “Look, just pay attention and we’ll go our separate ways.  After that, you can go do whatever it is childish simpletons do.”

“You’re a childi-…” I started to reply before being so rudely interrupted.

I’M AN AH-DUUUUUULLLLT!

“Thank you, for cooperating,” she bellowed to interrupt me before letting out a soft cough for unnecessary preparation. “Alright.  Now, I know you probably crave attention and all that, but I think you need to put a little more forethought into how you interact with the natives.”

“The ponies?” I clarified before glancing her way.

“Yes, the Equestrians,” she confirmed with a nod, “Do you realize that less than one percent of the entire population has ever been in a fight?”

I turned my head her way and gave it a tilt to let her know I was listening but had not caught onto her implication yet.

“And that there are no more than two prisons in all of Equestria?” she continued.

“Okaaay…?” It was like a beautiful bald eagle flying way over my head.

“And that those prisons have seen, in the entirety of their combined existence, no more than a hundred inmates?” She was talking like I should have caught on by now.

“That’s some seriously low crime rate,” I answered with a nod, “And you’re still being seriously vague.”

She smacked her wing over her face again before muttering in a language that… really resembled nothing I’d ever heard.  I couldn’t even mimic the phonetics of it.

“The Equestrians are as innocent as children with very, very few exceptions,” she finally came out with it, “Now, I know it may seem far-fetched to the unenlightened, BUT!  Try to imagine, and stay with me on this one! … If you were to unintentionally introduce the concept of… Oh, let’s start with something small… racketeering?”

And that was all it took.  My mind went straight to hell and dragged my comfort zone right with it.  All the awful possibilities of Earth’s grimdark potential thrust upon the eager, innocent, young pony mind.  They would be monsters!  Especially the Earth Ponies with their super toughness and such!

I could see it already.  Rainbow Dash becomes a pimp and starts the red light district on the south side of Ponyville, pushing drugs called ‘Sonic Rainboom’ to all the little colts and fillies who want to be 20% cooler (yeah, I went there…).  Twilight becomes a beatcop to try and suppress the unforeseen crimewave sweeping across Equestria with Pinkie Pie as her partner.  Together they fight crime until it’s just too much and Twilight instead becomes the very monster that she seeks to protect others from.

“I just thought you might want to know… Oh, are… you alright?” I think Stupid Bird was trying to get my attention, but I was too busy freaking the hell out.

This leads to Twilight structuring crime in an attempt to control it but she loses herself to it when Pinkie tries to stop her.  Twilight would be forced to frame Pinkie for murder to get her out of the way with an unjust life sentence.  OH MY GOD!  AND POOR RARITY!  She would lose her shop to Twilight, who would then be a soulless shell of her former self, when she failed to pay protection rackets.  She would be forced to move in with Applejack, the last bastion of honest integrity amongst ponykind!

“No-Name, is something wrong?” Wait, that wasn’t Tissy.

They would join forces with Fluttershy, only to discover that she’s on Rainbow Dash’s payroll as a hooker.  THE HORROR!!!  Her betrayal is not discovered in time, though, and Twilight sends some dirty guards to go break their kneecaps while they’re asleep or something.  Also, Celestia would wear sunglasses and a beret, just because.  Then Pinkie would break out of prison.  Now too jaded to make jokes and play nice, she turns to vigilantism and applies her freaky mechanical knowledge to become BATMARE!

“Apparently there is.  I apologize in advance.” Hmmm.  That’s definitely not Tissy.  Whatever, they’ll have to wait, I told myself.

It takes years for the pink pony to penetrate the genius and nigh flawless infrastructure that Twilight has set up, but in due time she works her way up the ladder and finds Twilight!  Rather than destroy her though, Pinkie appeals to her with a photograph of how things used to be!  Twilight would fall apart and realize what a fiend she has become!  Just before she can repent, though, Rainbow ‘Danger’ Dash shows up and shoots them both, securing her place as the regional crime boss.  All would be lost!  AND IT’S ENTIRELY MY FAULT!

I’m not sure what it says about me that I was able to think all that up in mere moments, but I’m rather certain it doesn’t say anything good.

And then Celestia dumped a bucket of water over my head.  I made my usual completely unintelligible noises of shock before lifting my sopping wet mane out of my eyes.  That’s when the dismay struck.  It doused my cigarette.  That made me so sad.  Sad enough to turn a pair of big watery eyes at Celestia and poke out my bottom lip in despair.  That seemed to bother her on an emotional level.  Note to self:  Celestia can be tormented with sad ponies.

“I… I’m sorry, but you seemed to be…” For the first time since forever, I’d seen Celestia genuinely unsettled.

Oh, I’m sure there was some part of me that thought trolling the Goddess-Empress of Equestria was a bad idea but it was quickly stuffed inside of a box and smashed with a hammer.  No postage required, by the way.

“Why do you hate me~?!” I cried, dropping my cigarette and flopping over on my side.

Unfortunately, Celestia is smarter than that.  She decided to ‘fix’ her mistake by drying me off.  One less-than-amused stare later, I got to feel the unlimited powah of Her Majesty by way of hurricane winds.  Like, winds so strong that it gets caught in your mouth and sends it flapping open with an utter lack of regard for your dignity.  Well, I was all sorts of frizzy afterwards, and more than a little rustled, but I was definitely, unmistakably dry.

“Thanks…” I responded breathlessly, spotting my cigarette and picking it back up with an empty stare.  It was also quite dry, I was happy to discover.

“You’re quite welcome,” she answered with a gentle, if somewhat trollish smile, “Try not to be so dramatic next time.”

“Affirmative,” I nodded soberly, lighting the smoky treat back up and backed away to keep from getting my addiction on her Royal Ponyness.  I don’t know how she managed to blow dry me without sending Twilight’s telescope and my cigarette careening off the balcony to their respective dooms, but I assume it has something to do with magic.  No, I don’t understand it, so don’t ask me.

“You looked like you could use a little bit of company, but you seemed… distracted to say the least,” she pointed out, tilting her head to communicate that she still didn’t understand what was going on there.

When she noticed I was taking efforts to keep the smoke away from her, she cast a spell to actually shift the wind to blowing my way.  She’s considerate like that and it definitely made my job easier.

“Oh, yeah!” I suddenly remembered what was going on and brought a hoof up to scratch at my chin thoughtfully. “I was having this hypothetical scenario play through my head and realized that I might not want to just divulge the… diverse tendencies of my race.  I mean, I don’t mean to make us sound like monsters or anything, but humans can be just as renowned for their cruelties as they can for the niceties.”

Celestia actually leaned back as she digested that. “Cruelties?  What…?”

“Yeah, we’re not all a bunch of saints.  I mean, the average pony here is a sweetheart, if a little bit… sheep-like.” I remembered how quickly the crowd at Ponyville’s Town Square all went to gossiping about me. “But humans… Eh… Well, most of us are decent but we ain’t perfect.”

I gave her a helpless smirk to let her know that it was just as troubling to me as it would be to her.  I’m not sure that reassured her so much, but she didn’t lament on it overlong as she changed the discussion.

“Just as long as you’re quite capable of behaving yourself while you’re here.” How diplomatic of her!

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” I was all too happy to have the opportunity to use a Pinkie Pie Swear.  Complete with the motions.  Oh, I’m sure they make drugs that feel that good, but they just don’t last that long.

 “I’ll hold you to it, too,” Celestia countered with a smiling wink. “So, I noticed you were unsettled by what happened inside.”

Bam, sudden subject change.  She didn’t even use a blinker to warn me.  If the cops had seen it, she’d have been pulled over.

“Oh.  Uh, yeah.” I should have asked her if she wanted to fight about it or something.  That would have been funnier.

She was just being concerned for me, which is touching and all but I think we can all agree, sometimes, personal space is best space. “Is everything alright?”

“If it’s alright, Princess, I’d rather not talk about... well, that,” I admitted, giving her a reluctant stare. “please?”

I don’t think Celestia is used to being told no.  Because I could tell that she seriously wanted to pry into it out of curiosity alone, if nothing else.  Still, her better side won out and she nodded with a sigh.

“Very well,” she answered before staring up at the moon, “Let us change the conversation, then.”

See, that I can handle.  None of this sentence-by-sentence nonsense; crazy rapid subject bouncing.

“You got it!  To what are we changing it to?” I piped up, quite relieved to have my boundaries respected.  Seriously, so many ‘Fixer’-types just don’t understand that forcibly digging into your past to help you can be just as detrimental as having a rough past to begin with.

“Why was The Nightmare after you?”

Well, that was direct.  So I gave her a direct answer.

“Ummm, it wanted my body.  And not in the ‘I find you incredibly attractive’ sorta way,” I explained, flipping a hoof-shrug as if I had nothing else to give.

 She laughed at that, which made me feel oodles and oodles better.

“I see.  Do you have any idea as to why?”

“To be honest, Princess, not a clue.  I’ve no idea how I got here, what that thing was, or where that crater came from.”  I started to explain before suddenly remembering the Stupid Bird. “The only thing I do know is that there was this…”

Ever go breathless for absolutely no reason?  Yeah, neither had I before then.  But I did and it was quickly followed by the most disorienting pain I’ve ever felt coming right from behind my eyes.  I shut them and seized up all over, just barely managing to not fall over on my side.  I can’t explain it fully because it just doesn’t work.  What I can explain was that I was very discouraged from ever talking about Tisiphone to anyone and anything.

It was kinda like a migraine, if you’ve ever had one.  If you haven’t, oh they are NOT like headaches.  Let me just clear that up, right here, right now.  That brand of pain was just, more or less, something I dealt with.  Hell, pain in general doesn’t really stop me from doing what I want to do unless I’m in danger of seriously messing myself up.  But migraines aren’t like that.  Those are something utterly unbearable and it makes you angry.  So ready to just rip into something or someone for bothering you.  Because it’s so unfair and you know it and you’re suffering nonetheless.  The only thing separating this pain from the well-known migraine was that instead of a blaring agony that keeps going up and down like a super-terrible roller coaster, this was more of a steady, roaring pain that just wouldn’t stop.  In a way, that made it easier to handle.  Mostly, though, it was still PAIN.

“What’s wrong?” Celestia approached me and lifted my head up without waiting for my answer, “Open your eyes.”

It took a whole lotta focus to pull it off, but I eventually made it happen.  Opening my eyes, I stared up at Celestia as she stared back.  And then, without taking the time to warn me of her intentions, she gently bopped me in the nose.  Even through all the pain, I had a huge Dubya-Tee-Eff moment happen right there.  Celestia just clopped me right in the nose!  What the hell!

For whatever reason, though, it totally worked.  Before I could go back to my irregularly scheduled suffering, I realized I was no longer hurting beyond a soft ringing in my ears.

“What was that?” I mumbled, rubbing my poor offended nose.

“I don’t know,” Celestia replied with a soft smile that almost completely hid the troubled demeanor about her. “But… I think I have some work to do in the morning.  May I ask you a question?”

“Is it going to hurt?” I aimed a pair of big super pouty eyes her way.

She let out a soft chuckle before replying, “I don’t think so.  Would you be opposed to coming to the castle in the morning?”

“Go to Canterlot?” My eyes inflated right there as I sucked in about 15% of my cigarette in one drag.  I felt a little dizzy after that, but it was a good dizzy.  I did make a swift recovery though and made a nonchalant charade out of accepting, “Well, I hear it’s rather dismal this time of year and that pollution is really getting out of hand, but if you think it will help then YES!”

She blinked, hesitating a moment before making a very obvious comment. “Has anypony ever told you that you’re incredibly energetic?”

With my tail-a-waggin’ and a grin large enough to envelope a watermelon, I nodded rapidly.

“I’m not usually this wired, but trust me when I say, Madame Alicorn, that I am living the proverbial dream,” I clarified, still locked in the state of tail-flapping happiness.  I don’t know why I wag my tail, it just seems to be the right thing to do when I’m happy.  I don’t expect the ponies to do it, but before you get on my case, I think you need to realize something:  This is my flappin’ tail and I’ll wag it about if I damn well please.  And I do indeed please.

She gave me an odd look before shrugging her wings which… I mean, it’s Princess Celestia and all, so I can’t hate on her but it just... I dunno, it doesn’t seem fair that I have to do this complicated one-sided shrug or this rearing-up which takes so much effort.  I just want some equality here, y’know?

“I suppose I can’t find fault in you just being happy,” she said with a nod, “Very well.  I will send an Archon to pick you up in the morning.”

She turned to go back inside but right as she did, I had a bit of a realization.  That realization being that I had a load of questions for her, too!

“Wait, hold up,” I implored, trotting her way a bit to help get her attention, “What’s The Nightmare?  I don’t remember anything like that from… Well, what I saw of Equestria before I got here.”

She paused at the door before glancing back at me.  She kept her eyes fixed on mine as though she were trying to figure something out about me, but whether she got her answer or not, I couldn’t tell.  After a heavy pause, she finally smiled and shut her eyes with a nod.

“Let’s save that question for Luna when you arrive at Canterlot tomorrow morning before she goes to bed.  No doubt she’ll have more insight on it than I will,” she kindly explained before opening the door back up and stepping inside.

I dropped my jaw in amazement.  I had COMPLETELY forgotten about Luna. That was something to get excited about.  I mean, no one knew what Luna was really like!  She’s so mysterious, having had all of two lines in the actual show.  Despite that, she had nearly as much of a fanbase as Twilight or Rainbow Dash, if not more.  I mean, I heard she was going to get her own episode in Season 2 and everything but I was going to get the super special sneak peak!  I thought I was privileged before!  Now, I was just going to get spoiled!  Squh-weee~!

“R-Right,” I nodded, lost in wonder at the moment, “Luna.  Canterlot.  Awesome sauce.”

With that, we made our way back inside.  I expected to see a plethora of excited little ponies bombarding me with questions, but much to my relief, they had found other things to occupy their time.  Twilight was reading a book (stop the presses!) from her comfy little perch on the bench I had left unoccupied by my departure whilst being picked on by Rainbow Dash who was flying over and blowing on her ear.  Incidentally, Twilight ear twitches are adorable.  Pinkie, on the other hoof, was hovering over Applebloom, staring at the tiny filly with big shiny eyes that were mesmerized.

Why?  Oh, she had her reasons, and they were completely fathomable for once.  See, Applebloom was busy snoozing the young night away along with her big sister.  Taking into account that they own a farm, that isn’t too surprising on its own.  Regardless, that alone would have been pretty cute, but they took it to the next level and made irresponsible use of their powers of D’Awww.  AJ was lying on her back with a half smile on her face.  Her snoring alone was pretty epic, but it was that right hindhoof bucking away at what I can only assume was an apple tree that really sold it.  But wait, I’m not done.  It definitely gets worse.  Applebloom chose Applejack’s tummy as a bed to lay her sleepy head upon, having approximately 90% of her tiny body covered up with AJ’s oversized cowpony hat.  Couple this with Applebloom being only just barely disturbed with each of her big sister’s applebucks and you had a weapon that could stop a brony’s heart at fifty paces.

I’m just glad I made it down the stairs without having to experience the rigors of the five point palm exploding heart technique.  I mean, my life had taken a bajillion turns for the better in the last sixteen hours, but that doesn’t me I was ready to call it quits just so that I could go out on a high note.  Still, it was a close thing and having to explain that at the pearly gates would have been a little embarrassing.

No, St. Peter, I died from a heart attack caused by looking at adorable ponies…

… Right, then.  To Hell with you.

I figured as much.

“Am I the only one about to die from this?!” I whispered, dramatically throwing my hoof out in their direction.

Pinkie was busy soaking it in, too, so she gets a pass.  Twilight and Dashy, however, just glanced at me like I was naïve.  Which just isn’t fair; being desensitized doesn’t mean you get permission to judge me.

Twilight did begin to answer me to some extent, but Dash was there again, messing with her ears in an attempt to keep herself entertained. “Rainbow Dash, I’m going to stuff Poison Joke into your pillow if you don’t quiddit!”

The multichromatic flying pony snickered quietly behind her hooves as Celestia let out a gentle cough.  Not sure how everypony knew to quiet down just by hearing the princess clear her throat, but they did.  Maybe it’s the law?  I can only imagine how that would sound in an official proclamation.

“I need to get back to Canterlot,” she explained, “Twilight Sparkle, if you would be so kind as to house our guest for the night, I will send for him in the early morning.”

“Of course, Princess.”

Heh… Like Twilight was gonna tell Celestia ‘No’ concerning anything.  Hah!  That’d be the day.

“But I wanna see Rainbow Dash’s cloud house~!” That was me, if you couldn’t tell.  It was all Lafter’s idea and I couldn’t argue with on how cool that would be, even if Stoic was pointing out the obvious flaws in that plan.

“Heh!  I’d totally letcha if you didn’t… y’know… Fall through it!” Dash was taking Stoic’s side for some reason.  Honestly, he’s not as smart as he sounds.

I put on a brave face and saluted. “That, RD, is a risk I am willing to take.  I can’t let such trifling obstacles get in my way if I want to get anything accomplished in life.”

Twilight facehoof’d, Rainbow Dash cackled, and Celestia rolled her eye(s?) mirthfully.  I got the impression that I wasn’t being taken seriously.  They obviously didn’t know me.  I would have made a big deal out of showing how serious I was, too, if Celestia hadn’t distracted me.

“By the way, before I leave, Twilight,” Celestia interjected like the rude mare she was, “Do you want to give me your friendship report before you leave?”

I’m not sure where I found a quill, ink, and paper so quickly, but I did.  Oh, it was easy.  Hell, I may have even summoned them.  Not too sure, though.  I kinda blocked out everything but the event that was about to take place.

“Please, write it out,” I requested nonchalantly as I set them all down beside her.  I was in PERFECT control of my voice, if you could believe that.  It wasn’t even remotely easy, but I managed it. “I’d uh… I’d like to see how it’s done.  Y’know, for future reference.”

Who’s an amazing actor?  I am.  You could have run a nuclear power generator’s current through me and it wouldn’t have excited me even half as much.  But I held that poker face.  I held it real good.  That is, up until she picked up the quill.  After that, everypony started to stare at me like I was crazy.  And maybe that had something to do with the slightest bit of hyperventilation.  Or the bug-eyed stare.  Hell, it could have been anything, but one thing was for sure:  I probably earned every last one of those stares.

“And... And read it aloud.” I think my voice was a whisper.

Twilight’s expression told me she was back to doubting my mental health.  That didn’t matter to me though.  Oh, no sir.  Just as long as she wrote the friendship report.  Nothing else mattered.  Just the quill, the paper, the ink, and the pony.  Fixation at its most absolute.

And no, I’m not going to write it out for you.  It’s mine.  If you want one you can go get your own!  THIS FRIENDSHIP REPORT IS SPECIAL!  IT’S MINE YOU D-...

Due to the interference of a certain annoying pony (GO AWAY, LUNA), I’ve been pressured into giving you that which belongs solely to me.  Your gratitude had best be unending.  I will know if it isn’t.  

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that there’s always more to a pony than meets the eyes.  Even knowing that, though, one shouldn’t hold their secrets against them.  Suspicious though it may seem, assuming the worst is a quick way to a bad start.  I was treated with the opportunity to meet the strangest pony ever, and even though his eerie knowledge, as well as the lack thereof, about many things set me off guard at first, I can honestly say that I’m glad to have met him.

Friendship in the past has taught me that first impressions, while important, don’t tell you everything there is to know about a pony.  Keeping that in mind, I was able to accept this new friend, and I can definitely say that it was worth it.  Were he not here, it’s very possible something terrible could have happened to the entire town.  Not to mention I could have lost one of my best friends.  Thankfully, I don’t have to know what that is like.  All in all, I can safely say that everypony deserves a chance, regardless of how bad the situation looks.  And furthermore, I can only hope that other ponies get to know him like I did.  If he doesn’t first drive them crazy.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Much to our misfortune, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to write another letter to you without laughing uncontrollably.  Apologies in advance.

Yes, that was quite unfortunate.  It couldn’t be helped though.  Twilight is a slave to her impulses, after all.  I can’t be blamed if she finds it incredibly amusing that I sat there and quivered like a toddler at Christmas.  That’s her problem, after all, not mine.

“Hey, Twilight, not to point out the obvious,” Rainbow Dash sputtered behind a facehoof, “but I think No-Name likes your Friendship Reports.”

“Thanks, Rainbow Dash, I wouldn’t have noticed,” Twilight snickered before rolling up the parchment and floating it over to Celestia.

“I liked it, too!” Pinkie declared loudly before slapping a hoof over her own mouth and glancing back at Applejack.

It was a close call that involved both the Apples snorting loudly before rearranging themselves and going right back to their regularly scheduled snooze.  Nnnnneeerghh!  That was hard to watch.  Trust me on that.

Celestia took Twilight’s letter, but rather than tuck it away, she actually turned to me and drifted it my way. “I think you will take better care of this than I will.”

Ohhhh Jesus, why are they trying to kill me with awesome, I asked myself.  What did I do to them that drove them to attempt bronycide?  Whatever the case, they were doing a damn good job.  Because that almost finished me off, right there.  I mean, I hadn’t been here twenty-four hours and for some damn reason, I’d had more close brushes with death than I’d ever had in the entirety of my life.

That got me to thinking.  Was this really such a good idea after all?  Did I need to be taking all these risks and get myself killed through death by awesome?  Maybe I just needed to find a way out and go home to-…Hehe… Eh, yeah, I couldn’t keep a straight face on that one.

 “Thank you,” I whimpered happily as I grabbed the parchment with my mouth and stashed it away like I do with my phone and cigarettes.  I immediately had this tiny mini panic attack and retrieved it, just to make sure it wasn’t gone and breathed this obvious sigh of relief.

Dash continued to laugh at me.  She’s allowed, being Dashy and all.  My payback came in the form of her hurting herself trying to hold it all in to avoid waking up the sleeping Apples.

“Well, if that’s all, then…” Celestia started to say before being interrupted by Pinkie Pie.

“WAIT!” She was most definitely not using her indoors voice that time, either.  She responded by slapping both hooves over her mouth this time.

“Pinkie, why must you be so inconsiderate to the Apples, eh?” I quietly pointed over to the still completely unconscious ponies, “You’re mean, you know that?  Meanie Pie~!”

Oh man, she totally believed it.  Even from behind two hooves, we were able to see her incredibly distraught frown, complete with sad ear droop and incredibly misty eyes.  What had I done?!

“I just wanted us to name you before we all left,” she whimpered from behind her hooves.

Aaaaggghhh!  My guilt is unending!

I mirrored her sad disposition which led to everyone staring at us as we unintentionally got into a sad-face competition.  This, in turn, pretty much killed what was left of Dash’s self control.  She had to snatch one of the pillows from Twilight’s bed and smoosh her face into it in an attempt to smother her laughter.  She stayed up on the second floor, furiously kicking her legs about as she let it all out.

“Oh fine,” I finally gave up with an exasperated sigh, “I’ll be Anon-Pony.”

“Absolutely not,” Twilight immediately snarled.

I just can’t win.  And Twilight is not best pony.  End of discussion.

-=-

This has been a fan-written story by CardsLafter - Follow me on DeviantArt to stay up to date with TTEOAP

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My Little Pony and all characters involved are © of Hasbro and Lauren Faust

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Four:  Luna’s Gonna Loon, Lucky’s Gonna Luck, Twilight’s Gonna Beat You To Death With A Book!

By:  CardsLafter

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’m told I have, quite possibly, the strangest sleep schedule ever.  I don’t keep myself adjusted to the position of hands on a clock; I just stay up until I feel like sleeping and then go to bed.  This usually results in somewhere between eighteen and twenty-two hours of life followed by five to nine hours of rest.  That has a lot of advantages.  Enough that I’m not going to bother listing them all, anyway.  One severe disadvantage that does come with it is when you are woken up by outside influences, your day is wrecked.  Plain and simple.  It’s like an ill omen prophesying your inevitable doom.  The reason I am telling you this is because it applies to this day in particular.

So there I was, sleeping on Twilight’s balcony - Twilight’s house has NO AIR CONDITIONING AND IS STUFFY AS HELL - without a care in the world.  I had an awesome dream about Super Smash Ponies and I didn’t want to wake up because I was still trying to figure out how to use the Sonic Rainboom.  Much to my dismay, I wasn’t able to figure it out before that very awakening took place.  The harbinger of unrest wasn’t even being that loud, oddly enough.  I’m weird like that.  I can sometimes be woken up by two people whispering two doors down, but if my roommates start blasting heavy metal, I won’t even twitch.  I wish I could find a consistency as to what actually causes the disturbing of my slumber.

“There you are,” I heard Spike mutter, “What are you doing out here?”

“Blergh,” I blerghed before rolling over, slowly opening an eye and swiveling it around in an attempt to spot my disturber.

“He’s out here, Twilight!” he called back inside.

“I don’t want it~!” I whined, mustering the effort to scoot away from the source of sound.  Thank Celestia that Twilight had a very well sanded balcony.

A few seconds later, Twilight added her disruption multiplier to Spike’s sleep-combo-breaker and I was forced to slip further into undesired consciousness.  This resulted in more scooting until I eventually bumped into Twilight’s telescope.  I guess I really should have been looking where I was going, but I was fortunate enough to have it fall over onto me instead of it breaking on the wood balcony.  Rather than whine about being struck by a Telescope, however, I just sorta pulled it close and used it as a surrogate teddy-bear.

“Why are you sleeping outside?” I heard Twilight ask me in a puzzled voice.

“Your house has no ventilation,” I replied quite truthfully, snuggling up to the telescope and shutting my eyes again.

There was a heavy pause in there, and I could surmise that it originated from Twilight and Spike’s confusion on what I talking about.

“I’m tellin’ you, Twilight, there is no way he isn’t an alien,” Spike reasoned, “I’m gonna go make some breakfast.”

“I don’t g-… Actually, no, I’m not going to waste time trying to understand you.” Twilight was apparently frustrated with me.  Still, she brought herself back to a reasonable level of calm and spoke very politely. “Now, Princess Celestia’s Envoy will be here soon to pick you up and you don’t need to keep them waiting.  You’ll need to clean up a little, seeing as you’ll be appearing in Canterlot.  Also, we sh-...”

“Them?” I questioned lazily.

“What?”

“You said them,” I explained before letting out a long yawn. “Implying that there will be multiple envoys.”

The sigh she let out told me that I was starting to work a purple nerve.  “Please, No-Name…”

“That’s another thing…” I interjected again.

Y’know, I never actually realize how much of an ass I’m being until I look back on my actions.  Because I was definitely being one right here.  But while I was living in the moment, interrupting Twilight for a second time... I dunno, it just didn’t feel like I was being one at the time.

“What’s the difference between calling me Anon-Pony and No-Name?” I opened my eyes and glanced Twilight’s way, “I mean they’re both pretty… Well, you know.  They’re lacking in identity.  I think that makes you a hypocrite.”

“Look, I’m trying to help you, so… please stop being difficult?” she begged.

“One condition,” I offered before making myself a bit more comfortable and shutting my eyes again.

“Anything!”  (Note:  This was one big pile of bullshit…)

“I want to be Anon-Pony.”

That’s where things went downhill.

“Spiiike!” Twilight shouted back inside in a rather saccharine, yet threatening tone.

I risked opening an eye back up, half-curious as to see where this was about to go.

“Uh oh,” I heard him reply from within.  This helped to foster a sense of growing unease.

“What’s ‘Uh oh’?”  I tried to make my voice sound even and nonchalant.  Might have failed in that endeavor.

“Please bring me the ‘Ponypedia Equestria,’ the ‘Unabridged Trotster’s Dictionary,’ and a copy of ‘Magic 402: Pandimensional-Subradiation Applications’ if you please,” she called back inside.

Did you know that books are a viable weapon?  Maybe not in your hands or mine, but when left in the magical sway of a librarian unicorn?  Yeah, it’s not pretty.  Basically when held tightly, the book is almost no different than a piece of wood of roughly the same size.  And that can hurt when beaten about the head and shoulders.  I have learned that one does not test Twilight when she has access to three-hundred plus pages.  Also, she took her stupid telescope back because she’s a plot face.

Long story short, I was beaten with books, had my teddy-scope ripped from my grasp, beaten with more books, chased inside where I was beaten with a few more books, and finally corralled into the bathroom by way of being beaten with books.  Also, I tripped over Spike.  Collateral damage, Tony!

“THAT’S NOT VERY FRIENDSHIPFUL!” I shouted from behind the sanctity of the washroom door.

Her response was to beat on the door with books, which terrified me.  Seriously, I developed a complex that was triggered by the sight of airborne books.  It’s up there with spiders.  Still, I played nice from thereon, cleaning up and making myself halfway decent.  Just a note here, using magic to do everything actually requires a modicum of patience.  Sure, I eventually got it all worked out, but damn it, if I’m going to have a fluffy tail then it will be brushed properly!

One thing that perplexed me:  A toilet.  It was there.  It was a toilet used for what I assume is toilet-based activities.  And yet, having been here for what was around twenty-four hours, I had not heard the alluring call of nature.  Not once.  I decided not to dwell on it.  Not because I wasn’t curious, but that line of thinking was leading to the visualizing of ponies doing that very act.  Which was unsettling, to say the least.

I was finished long before I bothered leaving the safety of the blessed water closet.  Eventually, though, I poked my head out of the bathroom and quickly snatched it back inside on the off chance Twilight had not yet satisfied her desire to damage my person.  When no books came flying at me, I peeked out once more and made sure the coast was clear before opening the door.  I checked the library after stepping out and found Spike and Twilight tidying up like a pair of purple maids.  It wasn’t until I spotted the telescope lying on the farthest bench that I was overcome with petty, impulsive desire.  I would get Twilight back for abusing me with such impunity!

Without giving them any warning whatsoever, I dashed out of the bathroom and snagged the telescope with a bit of magic.  Pure survival instinct drove me to sprint for the door as I screamed in triumph.

“FOR THE EMPRAH!!” I roared.

Now that I consider it, I think that may have been less about survival and more about causing as much of a ruckus as I possibly could.  Still, for the sake of making me sound sane, we’re just going to go with survival instinct.

That’s not the important part, though.  The important part was about my awesome magic; specifically my first ever successful magic multi-task.  It was awesome, like I already told you.  Brace yourselves for awesome:  I yoinked the telescope, leapt over Spike, snatched a cigarette out of nothingness, put it in my mouth, threw open the threshold to liberty whilst lighting the Mareboro and told the police to go buck themselves all at the same time.  All whilst in a full-on sprint.  With a furious draw on my smoke and a maniacal laugh on my lips, I dashed out of the library with Twilight hot on my heels.

Boo.  Yah.  I’m awesome.

“What could have made that more awesome?” you might ask yourself.  Quite frankly, making it ten steps out the door would have been lovely, but whatever.  And no, Twilight didn’t catch me.  The Princess’ little envoy did, as it turns out.  And by catch me, I mean clip my flank with her flying sled-like car thingy to send me flying like a pegasus.  It had to be going, like, a million miles per hour; ‘Cause I totally got some air.  Enough of it that the driver had to jump out of the vehicle and tackle me mid-flight to catch me.  I have no doubt that it looked utterly amazing to anypony fortunate enough to bear witness.  For me, however, it was just awful.  I mean, this day was off to one hell of schizophrenic start with how amazingly awesome it got before taking the worst of dives.

Cigarette lost?  Check.  Added bruising?  Check.  Tackled by a flying green pony that twisted my hoof behind my back and LITERALLY crammed my face into the ground upon impact.  Check.  No bullshit:  She used… my face… as a brake.  My face.  It skidded along the grass and dirt.  As she used it to create friction.  To stop our momentum.  Do you understand me?  She was grinding my face into the ground!  The very concept makes my skin crawl!  What the French Canadian hell did I do deserve that?!

“In the name of Celestia, you are under arrest!” my assailant shouted at me in the most unthreatening squeak she could manage.

Great.  Stuffing my eyes, nose, and mouth into the terrain wasn’t enough.  I also get to go to pony prison and meet some deranged criminal pony named Love Sponge the Tickler… Did I mention that I occasionally will creep even myself out?  Still, I didn’t cry.  Mostly because it hurt too much to cry, but that’s beside the point.

“Oh goodness!” I heard Twilight cry out as I started to lift my head up.

My squeaky assailant shoved it right back into the dirt.  Seems legit.

“Everything is alright, Miss Twilight.  I caught the thief,” replied the face-grinding envoy from Hell.

Everything was most certainly not alright.  Everything was filled with pain.  I could see the pain.  I could smell the pain.  I could taste the pain.  And it looked like, smelled like, and even tasted just like dirty grass.  Or it could have just been dirty grass I was experiencing.  Whatever the case was, all my brain knew was that dirty grass was equal to or greater than pain.

“No, you don’t understand!” Finally, someone else was getting some of that at purple pony perturbedfulness. “That’s the pony you’re to be escorting to Canterlot!”

“W-… What?” Dat voice.  She sounded like Pinkie Pie after sucking in a tank of helium.  Okay, maybe not that squeaky, but I promise that I’m not stretching the truth here by much.

The grip on my hoof lessened a bit, despite there being no fingers to actually hold onto me.

“That’s Princess Celestia’s guest!” Twilight shouted.

I found the strength to whimper right about here.

“But he… He was...  He was running away with your telescope.  And you were chasing…” the pony stammered in response.

I could hear the oddly familiar sound of Twilight slapping a hoof over her face as she sighed.  Note, my face was still in the dirt and my hoof was still being twisted behind my back while this was all going on.  But other than that, it was totally fine that they had this out before seeing to me.

“I… admit, the situation may have looked rather bad, but it was just… Well, we were both being rather silly,” Twilight clarified haltingly.

“S-Silly?” Face-Grinder echoed.

Silly was not the word I would have used.

“Yes, silly.  Now, if you would be so kind as to release him?”

FINALLY!

I coughed as I extracted my countenance from the trench that it had been used to carve out of Twilight’s front lawn.  I immediately broke away from the green terror and scampered over behind Twilight to put something living between myself and it.

Had I not been thoroughly terrified of ‘it,’ I would have instead marveled at the fiend.  She was a good bit taller than your average mare; right around my size, in fact.  Her eyes were bright yellow, and her hooves were like that of a Clydesdale’s:  Huge and fuzzy.  Even while I was busy cowering behind Twilight, I was still loving her emerald green coat.  As a matter of fact, green is my favorite color!  Well, not when my eyes are scraped across green grass, but just about all other times.  She even had a chartreuse mane and tail that both sported a pair of forest green streaks that followed her straight, long hair all the way down.  I don’t know where Rarity gets off hating green hair, but she obviously never met this pegasus.  Her armor looked like the typical guard armor with the exception of being trimmed with red instead of blue.

“Oh my gosh, you’re a mess,” Twilight whined at me LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT.

“I am so sorry!” the large pega-mare squeaked, holding out a desperate hoof.

I spat out some dirt and roots in response.

“A-Are you okay?” she asked, fumbling over her words in horror.

Twilight started to reply on my behalf, but I totally had it under control.

“Well, my front leg hurts, my back aches like it’s been stepped on by a huge pegasus, my face…” I paused here to hock up a few twigs.  “My face feels like it’s been used to sandpaper a whole pine tree and my vision has yet to clear up.  But other than THAT?  Yeah!  We’re just %&#*ing peachy!”

When I look at a large-and-in-charge guard wrapped in gold armor with feral-yellow eyes, I expect that guard to kick my flank when I am dumb enough to yell at them.  Which is why I picked up Twilight and held her in front of me the moment I finished my rant (she was much too surprised to actually stop me).  Twilight had earned some beatings by this point anyway.  However, I did not get what I was expecting.  Instead of said guard reaching over and beating me senseless, she decided she would rather fall down in a fit of tears.

“P-P-Please don’t tell the Princess!” she wailed whilst clapping her hooves over her eyes.

Suffice it to say, Twilight and I were at a loss.  A big loss.  This was not what I was ready for.  I was ready for violence.  And a lot of it.  This wishy-washy guard thingy was straight up bizarre.

“Captain S-S-S-Storm Wing’s g-gonna throw me out of the Archons!” she bawled miserably, curling up a bit more as she shrilly sobbed into her hooves.

Well, I don’t know about you guys, but it bothers the shit out of me when people cry in front of me.  Like, I don’t know why.  I can watch a movie with people crying, I can watch a show with ponies crying, and I will never blink to reading a book’s saddest scene.  That said, the moment someone breaks out into tears right in front of me, I am faced with two options.  The first is cheer them up before I start crying.  The second is to start crying with them.  I’m a freak, okay?

So I opted to try and save my dignity by creating a distracting scene.

“Good going, Twilight!” I hollered loudly to prevent my voice from cracking as I gave her a shove from behind. “Now this guard is fired and it’s all your fault!”

“W-What?!” Sorry, Twilight.  If you ever read this, you were just a convenient target.

“Gosh, you should have just let me have the telescope!” I sat my plot down, crossed my hooves, and whipped out a cigarette before glaring off into the distance. “But nooo!  You have to be selfish and make a complete plotface of yourself!”

“A… A what-face?!” Her bewilderment was like a fine, aged wine for a troll like me.

Face-Grinder the Green was starting to knock it off as she realized the blame was apparently being shifted away from her.  I admit that she was pretty frick’n cute when she wasn’t digging ditches with my face or falling over in a slobbery, weeping mess.

“Hey, why don’t you go back inside before you ruin something else?  And here’s your freaking telescope!” I magicked it over and floated it her way before giving her a knowing wink. “Gosh!”

I just have to say, Twilight’s brilliant and I am thankful for that.  It took her all of two seconds to get what was going on and roll her eyes in amusement.  She proved to be twice as cool when she actually went along with it.

“Uh-huh.” She wasn’t going to great efforts to sound convincing, but whatever, right?  It got the job done.

With that, she conjured up a large, wet towel and took her telescope back, “Just… clean up a little and get going, already.  I’ll ‘work on my attitude’ in the meantime.  Okay?”

I caught the towel and blinked a few times as I stared at her.  Nobody ever goes along with my half-baked plans.  I’m sure if I had thought it through, I wouldn’t have tried it in a million years, but I’m stuck with an impulsive inner half that refuses to be bothered with the complexities of contemplation.  All that besides, I still don’t expect anyone to play ball the way Twilight did and… Well, that got me all excited in and of itself.

“You’re, like, the best pony ever!” I squealed before initiating the choke-hug from hell.

“What… What is happening?” Greenie the Crusher of Faces was so confused.  I don’t blame her.

“Wagh!” Twilight shrieked as I crushed her in my embrace. “No-Name, you’re filthy!  Oh!  You’re getting dirt in my mane!”

Some ponies just can’t appreciate being appreciated.  Sigh.

* * *

So after the madness tapered off and both Twilight and I cleaned up, it was time for my daily dosage of awesome.  Greenflank, Face-Destroyer Extraordinaire, remained dismally silent the entire time but she wasn’t crying, which was the important part.  I was actually still trying not to wince in pain from her initial abuse, but I did my best to not show it so as to keep the waterworks away.  Which wasn’t to say I was being super friendly to her; I was still a little irritated, after all.  But as long as I had my cigarettes and my world full of ponies, I wasn’t going to fuss.

All my inner upsetness, however, was single-hoofedly dispelled when I beheld it.

“What is it?” I stared at the large sled-like contraption before me.  It was silver and ivory with Celestia’s Cutie Mark emblazoned on its sides with gold trim.  There also happened to be a dent in the passenger side that somewhat bore the resemblance of a certain pony that will forever remain a mystery.

“It’s the Royal Sky Carriage,” explained my surprisingly demure escort as we stepped aboard the strange craft.

“Sky Carriage?” I gasped, “You mean… it…”

It flies.  Yes, it does.  Yes, it flies when Anon-Ponies (He’s not Anon-Pony  –  ‘You Know Who’) jump on to ride it.  I began to feel the elation and panic well up as it lifted higher and higher in the sky.  When it finally began to move forward, I felt my fascination hit what I thought was my peak.  It wasn’t until it started reaching speeds that were illegal in Germany that I finally panicked and grabbed hold of Miss Viridian Facebreaker.  I felt not the slightest shame as a delighted, yet terrified shriek escaped me.

“GREENIE, WE’RE FLYING!” I’m not sure why I was yelling at a pony that I was attached to, but she was at least kind enough to yell back.

“OF COURSE WE ARE!” She blasted right into my left ear. “AND MY NAME IS LUCKY!  NOT GREENIE!”

Having been on the receiving end of close-proximity roaring, I decided it was silly and that we should stop that nonsense.

“Jesus, I’m right here.  Stop shouting,” I huffed before breaking away from her and peeking over the edge. “Oh wow.  Greenie, look at this!”

“My name’s not Jesus and it’s not Greenie!” she whined at me.

I ignored the poor thing as I gazed down at what was unmistakably the Everfree Forest.  I spotted what I think was a hydra from my elevated perch and felt the urge to hop in glee.  Fortunately, Stoic grabbed control of the reigns in time to remind me how stupid that would be and that I needed to get a grip.  Lafter agreed, but decided to simply distract me with something equally ridiculous, even if it was considerably safer.

“Greenie, we’re changing the name of this vehicle.”  I can be a jerk sometimes.

“Can you call it Greenie instead of me?” she moped.

I glanced back at her as though she were turning into a Dalek.

“That makes no sense, Greenie.  It’s not even kinda green.  No, that won’t do at all.  It shall be henceforth known as… ‘The Awesome Sky Carriage of Awesomeness!™’” I proclaimed before turning back to face her with a wince.

Yeah, I couldn’t even make sharp turns without feeling a nasty stab of pain in my neck thanks to the Killer of Countenances here.  I was too filled with wonder to care though.  At least I was before realizing that she saw through my act.  It didn’t take me long to find out that Greenie had an awfully guilty conscience and a patch on her sleeve where she wore her heart.  Talk about a mood killer.

“I’m very sorry, I really shouldn’t have acted so rashly,” she remarked with a pitiful sigh.

I failed my will-save versus guilt trip and immediately submitted to my baser urges.  The urge to console.

“Hey, G-… Lucky?  No sweat, okay?” I cantered over to her with a smile. “You’re a big girl, you can handle making a few mistakes.  I do it all the time.  Like running off with Twilight’s telescope.  And tricking guards into thinking that I’m a thief.  That was pretty stupid, eh?”

She gave me a reluctant smile, perking up a skosh.

“Still… I’m sorry,” she murmured, blushing as she went about scuffing her hoof.  It wasn’t Flutteradorable, but it was close.  And landing in the same neighborhood as Fluttershy was an accomplishment all on its own.

I blinked at the pegasus before narrowing my eyes at her. “You keep that up and you’ll be even sorrier when I hug you into submission.  I’m like… the adorable police.  And you’re dangerously close to a violation.”

I snapped my head forward (which hurt a lot), glaring off into the distance as we continued to sail through the air.  All it did was confuse Lucky further.  That was fine with me.  She would live.  I, on the other hoof, might not survive much more cuteness on a day-to-day basis.

“I don’t… understand,” she replied, staring at me worriedly.

I began to elaborate further on the matter, only to be distracted at the upcoming sight on the horizon.  It was a mountain… It was a city… It was a mountain impaled on a city!  Or something!  It was Canterlot.  Poor Stoic didn’t even bother trying to stop Lafter from taking control.  This resulted in me grabbing poor Lucky and shaking her like a rag doll as I hyperventilated for a few seconds.

“LUCKY GREENHOOF, LOOK!” I hissed.  My wide eyes fixed on the beautiful Minas-Tirith inspired castle. “IT’S CANTERLOT.”

“I s-s-s-see it-t-t-t,” she chattered through my impulsive assault.

I had forgotten how close Ponyville was to Canterlot.  It was just a hop, skip, and a jump away as long as one was able to leap over the Everfree Forest that was inconveniently placed between the two.  I tried to stop wheezing as we approached and had to light up a cigarette just to keep my blood pressure down to what most people consider a survivable level.  I was stupid giddy, as you might have guessed.  There was just no possible way for me to not enjoy the hell out of myself in the pony capital of Equestria!  As we flew closer, I got an idea of just how incredibly huge Canterlot really was.  It was seriously as big as the mountain that it was protruding out of.  So much pony!

“Wow, I knew you were new to Equestria but…” Lucky let the rest of the implication go unspoken as I continued to squee all over the place.

“Lucky!  Lucky, there’s a Wonderbolt… THERE’S THREE WONDERBOLTS OVER THERE!” And there totally was.  I swear I saw the usual trio blitzing about in the sky and all I could do was continue losing my mind. “GIIIIRL, SHIT HAS OFFICIALLY GOTTEN CRAY-CRAY!”

“‘C… Cray cray?’” she echoed uncertainly.

“CRAY CRAY!” I repeated, spinning about face and showing her my best impression of the Cheshire cat.

I think that broke her daily insanity limit or something because the expression on her face was mostly a combination fear and worry. “Could… Um… Could you please stop… talking… or doing anything, really?”

I rapidly deflated.  When you’re as excitable as me you find that rapid, controllable mood swings are not only easy, but rather fun.  I sat my pony bottom down on the A.S.C.A.™ and stared at her quite plainly before letting out a sigh that was somewhere between happy and relaxed.

I rubbed the back of my neck with a nervous laugh. “Sorry, Lucky.  I’m losing it.  I know this doesn’t look good, but trust me when I say this:  You just have no idea just how euphorically surreal this is to me.”

“No.  No, I’m not letting my guard down.  You’re insane.  Just sit there and… and be good.” I can’t really say I blame her.

I pouted at her but she was having none of it.  She stared at me as though I was about to jump and tear out her throat at any given second.  My response was to pout harder.  That seemed reasonable, if you ask me.  So when she started to ignore me and stare straight ahead, I kinda wiggled over into her peripheral vision.  Her willingness to ignore was measured, weighed, and ultimately found wanting.

“Stop it,” she urged, glancing at me as I continued to burn my puppy-dog face into her retina.

One day, folks, I would grow up to be a mature, decent respectable.  That day was not this day.

“Stop!” Her pleas fell upon my deaf, merciless ears.

That’s when she hit the brakes and sent me flying right over the edge.  I assume she did, anyway.  It’s not like there was a gas pedal or something, the stupid thing just seemed to obey the thoughts of the driver.  I think.  Anyway, I let out the manliest scream a pony could make, flailing helplessly as I fell all of two feet over the edge.  On one hand, I was happy that I wasn’t falling to my doom, but on the other, I was greatly put out that I landed on my back right where the green brute had stepped on me earlier and proceeded to tumble right into a statue, smacking my head upon it with a great fury.

As I was losing consciousness, I looked up in time to see this awesome-as-hell statue of one bigass pegasus stallion staring down at me.  I proceeded to inquire as to why Equestria was so hellbent on beating me to death, hoping Mister Statue could shed some light on the matter.  He didn’t answer me, sadly.  At least, not before I fell asleep on his pillow-like dais.  Mmmmm.  Stone cold stone is stone cold.

* * *

Some undetermined amount of time later, I woke up in a bed, which was a first for Equestria.  I couldn’t actually see the bed I was in.  At least, not clearly enough to describe it.  I tried to blink but my poor vision just didn’t feel like working at that particular moment so I was stuck with trying to decipher what the different colored shapes around me were.

“You’re in luck, Lucky.  He’s waking up.”

That was definitely Celestia’s voice.  She has a very unique voice that I’ve never heard anyone perfectly replicate.

“Your Majesty, I am so sorry!”  The squeaking could only be Fluttershy or Lucky.  Considering I’d yet to meet Fluttershy (much to my displeasure), I felt it was a safe bet that my attacker had followed me in hopes of finishing what it had started.  I could only pray that Celestia would save me in time.

“Tears of Night, Lucky, how did you manage to wreck the Princess’ guest on the Sky Carriage?” This was a new voice.  She sounded like one of those hot warrior chicks that you see in anime or DC Amazon Isles. “All you had to do was fly the thing there and back!”

“It wasn’t so simple with him, I assure you!” She lied like a rug. “J-Just… Please, Starlight, don’t tell the Captain!”

“She lies,” I truth’d, still not fully conscious. “Tell the Captain.  She beat me.  I cried and told her to stop but she just kept beating me.  She’s a monster.”

“W… What?!  I did no such thing!” her voice cracked as though she were hitting puberty or something. “Don’t believe him, Your Majesty!”

I took a guess at which blurry dark shape was Lucky and lazily pointed at it. “That’s the one, Celestia.  She did this to me.  Arrest that pony.”

Right as I said that, though, my vision decided it was the perfect comedic time to finally clear up.  At least enough to realize that I was pointing at a dark royal blue pony and not a dark emerald green one.  I blinked a few more times, finally bringing a bit of definition to my hazy world and I found myself staring at a frightening mare.  She was right around Lucky’s height, which put her just a head and a half under Celestia’s towering frame.  That, however, wasn’t what made her scary.  No, it was the black bob haircut with a single white stripe in the center covering her right eye coupled with the exposed eye burning a hole into me with its blood red stare.  Also her wings were bigger than mine, so I felt exceptionally unendowed before her.  Yes, I’m aware I don’t actually have any wings, and that does not help my feelings of inadequacy.

“Show some respect before the princess before I show you some of the consequences,” the blue pegasus growled threateningly.

“That’s enough, Commander Starlight; you will do no such thing.  You know I expect better self-control out of my Archons,” Celestia sighed, obviously unhappy with the way things were currently devolving. “I have no doubt that our guest was exceptionally difficult to put up with.  I’ve only met him once and I’ve something of a grasp for just how… bizarre he can be.”

“I take objection to that, Celestia.” I turned my head her way whilst still pointing in the Archon’s face. “You should learn to be more considerate.  I’m, like, right here and stuff.”

I gave a big, genuine smile to the princess who happily smiled back with a mirthful snort and a roll of her eyes.  I started to further make a hammy ass of myself but Starlight distracted me by slapping the hoof out of her face.  I let out a whine and rubbed the offended appendage with my other hoof.

“And you should learn to not harass every last pony you come across.” Celestia let out a laugh before shaking her head as though she were helpless to stop me. “How are you feeling?”

“Fantastic, actually, considering everything that’s happened to me just this morning.” I replied before sticking my tongue out at Starlight. “Who’s this you’ve brought with you?  Does she bite?  I’m not going to lie, she looks dangerous.  Dangerous enough t-…”

“Have a care for whom you’re speaking to!” Starlight snapped at me, having raised her voice just enough to startle me.

“Woah!  Down girl!  Easy!” I leaned away from the vicious animal in an attempt to avoid getting my face eaten off.

“Oh, I’ll take it real easy after I give y-…”

Celestia cut that nonsense off with a vengeance! “Commander Starlight, apologize to our guest.”

“Pbbbhht~!” Raspberry of maturity, right here.  Now, you probably assumed Celestia was the one to act like such an infant, but as amazing as this sounds, that was actually me.

“And you apologize as well,” the princess continued.

“But…” I started to protest until Celestia gave me this look.  I don’t know if it was a super power or magic was involved, all I know is that I froze up like the chickens in that one episode with Fluttershy.  It was stressful, being on the receiving end of that visionary assault, but I composed myself enough to do as I was told.  (I wasn’t interested in finding out what would happen if I said, ‘No’ which is rather unusual for me!) “Woah… … … Hello, Archon Commander Starlight.  My name is Anon-Pony.  I am terribly sorry for being an inconsiderate jerk and ask your forgiveness for not showing the proper respect.  Also, when I comment on just how frightening you look, I do so with the utmost of admiration.  You’re exactly what I would expect a veteran guard of Equestria to look like.  And yes, I really do mean this and I’m not just saying it to avoid angering the princess.”

Heavy silence was heavy.  I don’t think any of them expected me to actually play ball.  But Celestia has one scary glare and if there’s one thing that will help me be a little more self-aware of my actions, it’s fear of being stamped out of existence by a pony princess.  Try explaining THAT one to St. Peter.  Anyway, I got kinda fidgety with everyone being all shocked and stuff.

“What?  Good lord, you ponies haven’t known me for more than a day!  Why are you staring at me like that!?” I offered, throwing my hooves up into the air.

“See!” Lucky cried as though I had just proven some point she was trying to make. “Difficult!”

“‘See’ nothing!  You dug a ditch with my face, you monster!” I snarled in return before slapping my hooves over my mouth in shock.

Starlight was the first to react, “Y… You did what, Lucky!?”

“I thought he was a thief!” she squeaked in defense.

“We can, should, and even need to just forget I said anything right then!” I hollered, throwing my hooves around madly to help capture attention.  Pretty sure I just looked either stupid, amusing, or some amalgamation of the two.

“You attacked the Princess’ guest?!” Starlight was at a loss.  It just didn’t make sense to her.

“It’s alright; I totally looked like a thief!  She was well within her rights to smash my face into the ground!”  Man, I can really say some stupid things when I’m panicking.

Celestia blinked, having not yet recovered entirely, “Smash your face…?”

Starlight was not pleased.  “Archon!  Explain yourself!”  

“He was running away from Miss Twilight!” she whined.

“She saved the telescope!” I pointed out.

Starlight ignored the hell out of me. “What is wrong with you?!”

“No, it’s okay!  Getting hit by the carriage was much worse!  I’m fine, really!” Sigh… Why, self?  Why must you/I do these things?

“You hit him with the Carriage?!”  Go figure.  She heard THAT.

Lucky looked my way, horror splayed uponst her countenance. “S-Stop!  You’re making it worse!!”

“I’m just going to shut up now.” It seemed like a good idea.  If only I came up with that more often.

“Archon, I will have you mixing storm clouds until the sight of rain makes you sick!” Starlight bellowed.

Lucky started to cry, to which I tried to stop her, but things were out of hoof already and I fell apart almost as quickly as she did.  I grabbed the pillow closest to me and stuffed my face into it to cover my shame.  Much to my surprise, everything went silent shortly thereafter.  The curiosity and confusion quickly proved to be too much for me to handle and I dared a misty-eyed glance over the top of the pillow.  They were all staring at me.  Even Lucky, who was thankfully letting her lack of understanding override her need to blubber.  AGAIN!

“What?!” I coughed out, all sorts of flustered.

“Why are you…?”

“IT’S NOT IMPORTANT!” I yelled before stuffing my face back into the pillow. “YOU’RE ALL JERKS!”

“Ladies, I think it best if the two of you left,” Celestia gently ordered, “and Starlight, spare Lucky any punishment for her actions.  This is a very odd set of circumstances, after all.”

“Yes, Your Majesty,” Starlight replied before letting out a helpless chuckle, “come along then, Lucky.  Only you could get away with attacking one of Celestia’s personal guests.”

“Sorry,” she whimpered pitifully in response.

I heard their hoofsteps clack against the marble floors of wherever I was.  They continued to exchange words, but they quickly became so distant that discerning the conversation was pretty much impossible through the echoes.  Celestia and I were alone at last and ironically enough, all I could do was blush in shame with my face stuffed into a pillow.

“They’re gone now,” she pointed out tactfully, “You can come out.  Unless one ‘jerk’ is too much to face.”

I called Celestia a jerk.  That realization was not a pleasant one.

I dropped the pillow and hastily spouted my apology, “No!  You’re not a jerk, Celestia!  I’m just stupid and have no self-control!”

“I deduced that much,” she replied with a smile, “Do not worry, Stranger.  I can relate to the difficulty of suppressing impulses.  I take it watching others cry is difficult for you?”

I let out an embarrassed sigh before giving her an answer by way of nodding.

“Do you w-“ she started to ask but I was pretty quick with the responding.

“No thanks, Celestia.  I know you’re a nice pony princess and that I could totally confide in you, but digging up bad memories is what humans consider a faux pas.” I felt a little bad about interrupting the princess, but really, we’ve all got stuff that we don’t want brought up, right?  I simply happen to be a little trigger happy when it comes to the shutting down of such pursuits.  It helps to discourage the ‘fixers’ from messing with you, at least.

“Very well.  I won’t pretend to understand, but I will respect your boundaries.” And that, people, is why Celestia is the best pony princess.

“You’re awesome, Princess.  It must be hard being so amazing.  Such a responsibility to live up to.” I looked up at her with a soft smile before finally taking in my surroundings.  It looked like a medical ward, only extra decorative.  Leave it to girly ponies to doll up a place of sickness and pain, I guess?

“Oh, I manage.” She winked, smiling back. “It’s not as difficult as it you might think.”

“Naw, you’re just that good at it,” I gushed back, happy to pull the conversation back to silliness.  I hopped out of the bed and performed my best full-body cat stretch. “Ggghhnnn!!  Oh, but damn do I feel great!”

“I would hope so.  Princess Luna healed you after having witnessed your fall,” Celestia made mention, tilting her head just slightly to the left. “She brought you here to make sure you were alright, but was too tired to stay up for much longer.”

I dropped my jaw as I stood up straight. “Luna?  She met me?  And I missed it?!”

“Indeed,” she said with a nod, “Also, she made mention that you’ve quite a lovely singing voice.”

“She… She did?” For once, I was the flabbergasted pony.

“You’ll have to ask her about it tonight,” Celestia offered, giving me a helpless, if slightly amused, shrug of the wings.

I know; I already mentioned this once, but I swear, every time I see a pony shrug their wings at me, I just want to get offended.  Now, I can’t rightly get on Celestia’s case for doing it, but that doesn’t mean that the urge is cancelled in return.

“Y-Yeah.” I was blushing.  There was just no telling what song I was singing in my sleep.  I’ve been known to do a teensy bit of sleep talking, but ever since I joined the Choir back in High School, I’d found out from multiple sources that I sometimes mumbled lyrics in my sleep.

… Y’know, I never really realize how weird I actually am until I start talking about my oddities.

“Anyway, please make yourself home here in Canterlot.  If you need anything, any of the Royal Guard, Sky Archons, or palace staff will be happy to help you.  I must get back to work, but I’ll be seeing you again before nightfall.”

“‘Work’?” I repeated. “You mean being a princess is not as simple as raising the sun, kicking back, and being awesome?”

She actually snorted a tad, bringing a hoof to cover her face before giggling. “Oh, if only that were the case.  Take care of yourself and try to stay out of trouble.”

“My dear princess, you will not see a finer example of behavioral perfection in all the millennia to come!” I proclaimed with a goofy grin.

Oh yeah, that was so gonna happen.

* * *

“Seize him!”

Shit.  Well, at least I tried.  Hell, I made it until nightfall, if that tells you anything.

Seriously, this wasn’t my fault as much as it just looked like it was my fault.  An everlasting victim of circumstance, I am.  Still, I will concede that if I had not acted as reasonably furious as I had been, then this would not be a problem.  But ‘reasonable’ was the operative word here.  I had every right to become infuriated.

After all, this was pizza we were talking about.

“What do you mean you don’t know what cheese pizza is?!”

Anger.

“Exactly what I meant, sir!” the cook pony replied helplessly. “What is a pizza!?”

Rage.

“A MISERABLE PILE OF DELICIOUSNESS!” I bellowed in his face.

It just... Flames... Fla-Fl… Flames!  On the side of my face.  Heaving… breathless… heaving breaths.

“I don’t understand!” he replied, cowering from me somewhat.

“This can’t be true!” I seethed.

I almost exploded right there, which would have been a shame.  Cleanup alone would have taken hours, and that’s only if they happened to have a load of bleach and wire brushes on hand.  Luckily that was not the case.  Instead, I turned around, sucked in a deep breath, increased my chi, and pivoted again to face the poor frightened chef pony.  He had a slightly nervous air about him that I was undoubtedly doing wonders for with my uncharacteristically aggressive outburst.  

He looked a little strange, having a rather peculiar color scheme going on.  His coat was a bright yellow, almost like a Twinkie or something.  Coincidentally, his mane and tail were as white as the cream filling inside of one, as well.  And I had a little trouble believing he was both a stallion and a chef because A) He was not sweating at all.  Cooking is hot.  You sweat.  No exceptions.  B) His hair was long, luxurious, and shiny.  He was like the bishounen of stallions, I kid you not.  C) I had just walked into his kitchen and started making demands without getting my flank pummeled.  You try that on Iron Chef and see how long you last.  Those chefs will carve a plate of sashimi out of your ass and EAT IT, TOO.

“Okay.  No, this is not your fault,” I said calmly, running a hoof through my mane to help remind myself that I had to keep a metaphorical level of chill maintained. “We can fix this.  We can fix this.  Alright.  Okay.  Sorry for the outburst.”

“I… I… It’s… okay?” he replied, confused as hell.  He sounded British.  Seriously.  That made picking on him funnier.  British Bishounen Pony is best pony?

“Thanks.  That’s big of you.  You’re a cool guy,” I pointed out before running a hoof over my face to help complete the combo of cool. “Alright, Cookie.  We can fix this.  But we should probably do this properly.  First things first:  What’s your name?”

“C-Cookie is my name,” he stammered, now so shocked that he wasn’t processing his brain stuff properly. “How… How did you know?”

Well, peeps, I’m not going to lie.  I was definitely more than a little shocked that I had tripped over his name by pure chance.  So shocked that, for a few seconds, I simply did not react as the realization began to sink in.  That didn’t last long; I quickly put everything together and formed the fastest troll response ever.  And thus, with the utmost of precision, I responded.

I looked to the left, then to the right.  Then back to the left.  And finally, I motioned for him to lean a little closer as I whispered, “Would you believe that it was… Magic?”

Well, he didn’t think it was funny, but I sure as hell did!  I fell over cackling like a hyena and continued to do so for several seconds.  Until “Cookie’s” assistant returned to interrupt my fun with some guards.  I would say some people just can’t take a joke, but there’s this ever growing list of things you just don’t joke about.  Pizza is one of them.  So is chocolate, spiders, and a person’s past.  Oh, and flying books, too (like I said, ever-growing).

So yeah.  Now I was running from guards.  All because I had an entirely reasonable outburst.  Whatever.  Fluttershy gets to chase a bunch of animals into the Equestria’s most noteworthy social event, but if you want to flip your shit over a pie of pizza then you’re going to JAIL!  ‘Love and Tolerate’ my ass!

So I led them on a merry chase all throughout the castle, yelling obscenities back at them whenever they did that… that thing… You know the one.  Where they demand you ‘stop’ or ‘freeze’ or something?  Yeah, I’m running my ass away from you, but if you’re going to extend the effort to ask me to not flee, then let me be an Exemplar of Etiquette by actually obeying!  Shall I also cuff my hooves together and fill out the report for you as well?  Screw you, ponies!  Work for your damn prisoner!

This lasted a while.  Long enough for me to make the mistake of making a right turn that went straight into one of the spires.  Meaning I was going in circles, up a staircase, to a place where I wouldn’t be able to get away.  So… Rather than give up or something sensible like that, I decided to use their cartoon physics against them.  Oh, I know that sounds like an incredibly bad idea.  And it was, to be sure.  But I was running out of options, and quite frankly, I was behind on my Sheer Stupidity Quota.  Please, please, please keep in mind that this was a world of cartoon ponies and hopefully this won’t sound as… Well, no, let’s just be honest about it:  There was no justifying this line of thought.  At all.

The following line of logic is why they only let me write with crayons and not a dangerous pen (or God forbid, a pencil that’s been sharpened recently):

Brilliance #1:  Oh man, I am so bucked sideways from Tuesday!  These guys are relentless!

Brilliance #2:  They know the layout way better than I do!  Where the hell am I even going?  Oh hell, I’m going up a tower.  Now it’s just a matter of time before I get trapped!

Brilliance #3:  Wait.  This is a cartoon world!  I can (Sigh…) jump off this tower and live!  It’ll hurt, but I’ll escape!  I’m so brilliant!  And awesome!

That was it.  I had signed up for the infamous Darwin Award and I was going to take the gold.  I mean, there are just times you look back in life and you just cringe at what you did or what was going through your head.  This one makes me want to beat my head against the wall.  Like, really hard.  I will never, in my many zany years, get over this single line of idiocy.

Side note:  When life throws you a set of circumstances that requires you to run your sorry butt up two-hundred plus stairs, your life officially sucks.  Not that your life is permanently ruined or anything, but damn.  If Hell ever needs to get a headstart on making someone’s day miserable, it will involve a ridiculous amount of stairs.

Anyway, after triumphantly tackling the task of tedious tower ascension (see also: Buttload O’ Stairs), I approached a large wooden door.  With four very shaky knees and a brain chock full of stupid ideas, I shoved it open and stumbled inside before slamming the damn thing shut.  I turned around to take in my surroundings and locate a window, but I got distracted by the contents of the incredibly huge tower pinnacle.  This had to be the royal library.  The books gave it away.  And when I say books, I mean this place had more shelves than my hometown’s library had individual books.  I had not realized how bloody huge this spire was.

“Holy written page things, Batman!” I wheezed, somewhat flabbergasted by my surroundings.  The immense room was of a circular variety with what had to be half a dozen levels, each lined with a tapering number of black curved shelves that broke apart regularly to allow freedom of movement.  The floor was an indigo shag carpet, which was particularly strange.  Every other square inch of the castle had been white or black marble up until this point (not to mention this was the first carpet I had seen since coming to Equestria), but the library was special, it seemed.  What I eventually realized, much to my glee, was that I was not alone.  In the center of this wondrous archive of literary treasure sat a pony that was too busy scribbling away to take note of my presence.  This pony was the biggest reason I had not immediately begun scouring for windows to make a cartoony retreat.  Because this pony was an alicorn.

I inhaled to commence my distracted freak out squee, but the sound of angry clopping royal guards was ever nearing.  Also, get your mind out of the gutter.

“Crap!” I whined before turning for the door and praying for a lock.  Fortune was on my side and there I found a simple sliding bar lock on the door.  I slapped that sucker into place before rearing back on two hooves and cheering with my fore-hooves cast in the air.

“WOO!  BEHOLD THE POWER OF PHYSICS!” I crowed loudly.

The angry hooves continued to near until making their inevitable impact with the locked barrier.  It didn’t even shake from their heartfelt effort.  That was one hell of a door.

“OPEN THIS DOOR!” a voice on the other side bellowed.

“KISS MY CUTIE-MARK, FLANK FACE!” I can make a pretty sweet pony insult on the fly.

“Excuse me,” said the alicorn in the center of the room.

I looked back at her and felt the urge to squee starting to boil over.  The alicorn in question was none other than Princess Luna.  She was right around my height with a matching corn-blue mane and tail.  She stared at me with sea-green eyes that told me she just didn’t know what to make of my presence.  Sitting at a table in front of a book, quill, and bottle of ink.  And she was talking to me!  Granted, she didn’t look amazingly pleased to see me, but that’s beside the point!  I started to respond, but it did not take long for the guards to continue hollering and making an awful lot of ruckus.

“HEY!”  I kicked back at the sealed threshold and snarled, “The Princess is trying to speak to me!  You are being insolent by interrupting her!  So shut up!”

“By Celestia’s sun!  He has the princess hostage!” I heard one of them cry out in fear.

“What… I do?” I looked back at Luna, lifting an eyebrow askance. “Princess Luna, do you feel particularly threatened, withheld against your will, and-or possibly be of the opinion that your rights have been infringed upon?”

She blinked at me before tilting her head a bit and letting the slightest of smirks creep up one side of her face.

“Well, in all technicality, you have robbed me of a degree of freedom by locking us in.  That could quite possibly be construed as a robbing of my rights to liberty.” I smell sarcasm.

“Right, but you have yet to try and open said door,” I pointed out in a matter-of-fact tone. “You can’t be certain that you are locked in here.  Indeed, if I didn’t bother stopping you and you simply slid the lock aside, then it would be obvious that the seemingly apparent imprisonment was nothing but a misunderstanding and an assumption.  And it’s very unbecoming of a princess to be so assuming!”

Her smirk.  It was getting bigger.  That should have been a sign. “I see.  So, while you may appear to be a kidnapper, in reality you are just a friend?”

“Yes.  Because friendship is magic?” I responded somewhat askance.  I didn’t know where she was going with this, but she had not fed me to her stooges on the other side of the door, so I wasn’t complaining!

“Then why don’t you be a friend and open it for me, then?”

Uh-huh.  Two can play this silly game.

“Because this isn’t real, your highness!  Your self-perceived lack of liberties is nothing but a mental illness and this is just all in your head!” Yeah, I was going with the insanity defense.  What of it?!  Plausible deniability is best deniability!

“Princess Luna!  Are you alright?” the ‘spokesguard’ cried out from behind the door.

Luna set down her quill and pulled herself out of the chair before cantering over my way.  I could tell she wasn’t upset at the intrusion.  Whatever she had been working on, it was either tedious and an interruption was welcome, or Luna really is crazy and she likes to be silly.  At the time I was pretty sure it was the former but I’m going to spoil things just a little right now.  Luna is crazy, okay?  Absolutely bonkers.  The girl just isn’t rolling with a full set of dice, if you know what I mean.  If you ever see her, run in the other direction and don’t stop until her deranged giggling can no longer be heard.

“I’m not sure just yet,” she called out to the guards on the other side, “I’m locked inside the library with a stranger that claims he won’t try to stop me if I go to unlock the door.  Also, I believe he insinuated that I might be crazy.”

“That’s just the insanity talking,” I shook my hoof at her, wishing I could ball it into a fist, “Those aren’t guards!  They are figments of your imagination!  As am I!  This is a dream!  Wake up, Luna!”

“Is he serious?” I heard a different pony ask on the other side of the door.

Luna just gave me a half-amused stare as she continued to approach the door.  She was getting dangerously close, so I had to try one last time.

“If you open that door, you are telling your mind that it’s okay to let the madness in!” I half-pleaded, half-accused. “Don’t be weak, Luna!  Oh wait… NO, LUNA, YOUR SHOES ARE UNTIED!”

Damn it, Lafter.  Of all the ponies to try this on.  Why doesn’t Stoic ever enter the equation where ponies are concerned!?

I didn’t expect her to fall for it when I pointed at them in horror, but I shit you not, she actually paused and looked down.  Well, it only took point-four seconds of time for her to realize that her sparkly loafers had no strings.  The cross look she gave me was pretty much the end of my charade as I simply could not hold it in any longer.

“YOU TOTALLY LOOKED!” I shouted before erupting into laughter.  A lot of times I fall over whilst laughing just to be dramatic and silly.  This time I was caught so unawares by my own audacity that I couldn’t help but laugh until I could no longer stand.  For a solid minute I was doing nothing but crying, laughing, and clenching my gut in hopes that it wouldn’t give out on me.

She was patient.  She waited through the entire thing, her visage a mix of shame, mirth, and annoyance.  I eventually ran out of breath and had to resort to breathless giggling before finally surrendering to silence from sheer lack of breath.  When I finally did give out, I wiped my eyes, tittered a little more, and smiled back up at the indigo alicorn.

“You enjoy that?” she asked sardonically.

“Oh man, you…” I snickered a bit more, still struggling to accept the amount of ham I was exuding. “… You have no idea.”

“Good, because I think I’m going to enjoy this just as much.” Her reply was sweet, sarcastic, and involved the oh-so-rude gesture of her sticking her tongue out at me.

And then she opened the door.

* * *

See, I should have had some reaction time in there to use for escaping, but those guards have some crazy reaction time of their own.  Luna opened that door and they blasted through there like a pressurized hydraulic hose burst.  Not that I was in any shape to run away after almost laughing myself into a coma.  Coincidentally, pony beatings are not best beatings.  Even if you do manage to giggle like a maniac as you are dragged to the dungeon.

“This guy’s some kind of whacko.  He’s probably pretty dangerous.”

“I dunno, he’s kinda nutty, but I don’t think he’d actually try to hurt anyone.”

The guards made small talk about me as they hauled my sorry butt to the dungeon and tossed me in.  I would have given my input but they had me gagged as well as fully bound.  My cell was nothing spectacular.  It was a lovely ten by ten with the same decorative marble floors that the ballroom sported.  So either Celestia loves black and white marble and wants to share with the prisoners, or this wasn’t always a prison cell.

It wasn’t until they locked the door that the unicorn amongst them untied me from the safety of the barred window.  Not that I was particularly bothered by that.  After all, I still had my cell phone and cigarettes.  Between those two things, I was able to whittle away a couple of hours.  Angry Birds, Sangband, and Youtube are amazing time killers like that.

“Comfy?” I heard the voice of Princess Luna pop in from behind the window in the door.

“Hello, Luna!” I waved at her without ever looking away from the phone. “Are you here to bring more guards to hurt me?”

“Yes, that’s him.” I could hear Celestia’s voice from behind Luna. “I won’t bother asking how this happened.  I’m almost certain I won’t like the answer and I’m even more convinced he brought it upon himself.”

“And that, Celestia, is just unfair!” I called out, still keeping my eyes fixed on the screen.

If you’re wondering why the phone was so damn important, it was because I had just mastered getting my hoof to manipulate the damn thing with a reasonable amount of consistency.

“Ugh!  What is that smell?  Is that you!?” Luna cried out in disgust.

“No, it’s that paper roll of his.  The one in his mouth.”

“Yeah, the cigarette smells pretty damn awful,” I agreed, still happily puffing away as I began to google how to pick archaic locks. “Hey, so uh… Are you guys going to let me out or is harassing the royal pony chef a felony punishable by death and-or life in prison?”

“Harassing the… No, you’re in there because you tried to kidnap my sister,” said Celestia.

I finally looked up at the two princesses peering in at me.

“But I didn’t…” I started to say before glancing at Luna who had that look on her face that told me everything.  It was the way she was pursing her lips and just barely shaking from the effort to not laugh.  And then it all made sense.

“Oh… Wow, I totally didn’t see that coming,” I said with a giggle, “and I totally let you open that door, too.”

I stared right at Luna who was going out of her way to not laugh right along with me.  Celestia’s eyebrow arched a bit as she considered me before glancing at her sister and realizing the situation for what it was.  Huffing in frustration, Celestia threw open the cell door and (not making this up) gently bopped her sister upside the head with a wing.

“Of all the… Luna!” she cried out in anger as both myself and the younger alicorn began to cackle like idiots. “Framing my guest for kidnapping and throwing him in prison is not a harmless prank!”

Luna threw her wings up around herself defensively and proceeded to laugh as though this was the last day she had to enjoy such shenanigans.  Celestia tried to apologize to me over and over on her sister’s behalf, but I had to admit, that was an awesome prank.  It’s only something royalty could get away with, too!  Why wouldn’t you abuse that?  Still, all was good and Celestia was actually very relieved to find out that I did not try to kidnap her little sister.  She even chuckled a bit when I told her about the untied shoes.  We slowly made our way to what I can assume was the Canterlot castle gardens.  Now, I’m sure everyone is really, extra, super excited to find out what Luna is like.  Well, I’m going to be honest, peeps:  You aren’t missing much.

Seriously, I can totally believe that she had a hissy fit and turned into Nightmare Moon.  Hell, the only two differences now are her physical appearance and rather than inflict emotional agony on the entire populace, she limits it to just a few ponies at a time.

“So, what’s so special about this guest?  Are you hiring him as a court jester?” Luna asked with a knowing smile in my direction.

I snorted with a roll of my eyes as I flopped down onto the nearest bench, lighting up a new cigarette.

“Actually, I was hoping to aim his abrasive tendencies towards you,” Celestia admitted with a smirk before yawning gracefully.  Don’t ask how it was graceful, it just was.  In fact, any time Celestia is mentioned, just imagine gracefulness.  It almost makes me want to trip her just to see if she’ll break the laws of reality by falling over gracefully.

“Well, he’s going to have to try a lot harder,” she replied with a dark smirk. “And that’s just if he wants to keep up.”

“Oh hell, I’m being intimidated!” I cried out, sitting up and stiffening with wide eyes.

After a second of silence, I flopped back down against the bench and shut my eyes. “No, wait.  That’s just gas.  Carry on.”

“Dramatic little foal, isn’t he?” Luna offered.

“It gets worse.” Celestia promised with a chuckle. “Anyway, before this gets further sidetracked by immature sniping, I would make introductions…”

“Wait, let me guess.  That’s Princess Luna.  Damn, I’m good,” I said with a smoky chuckle.

Luna playfully swooned against her sister. “Woe betide us, Tia!  We stand before a master.”

“Children.  Focus, please.  Thank you,”

“Yes, mother,” I sing-songed in response before sitting up and running a hoof through my mane, “Eh… Serious stuff, then.”

“Oh?” Luna looked at the two of us with a lack of understanding splayed on her face.

I tilted my head, somewhat surprised, “I take it you weren’t informed that The Nightmare is back in town?”

Luna’s eyes widened before narrowing as they honed in on Celestia. “I was not.  It must not be that important.”

Celestia shook her head, “Stop it, Luna, the previous day and night preceding that were both very eventful and all I wanted to do was sleep.”

“Oh no, by all means.  Beauty rest before Equestrian security.  It’s just The Nightmare, no reason to bother me with such trivial matters.” Luna rolled her eyes before sighing helplessly. “Whatever, it’s in the past already.”

Celestia’s expression and body language in general told me that she was about to serve it right back to Luna, but I intervened.  I see enough familial drama back on Earth.  I wasn’t exactly eager to witness more of it.

“Time-out there, ladies!” I felt a little silly throwing up that symbol with my hooves, but it was a good silly. “Now, before we go get Dr. Phil involved, let us instead enjoy a reasonable session of Q&A!  I’ll go first.  First pony to answer gets to ask the next question!  What is The Nightmare?  I’ve never heard of the damn thing.”

Luna, as one would expect, had that answer.  The way she answered it, though… I’m not going to say it was robotic, but it was certainly… I dunno.  It almost sounded like she was reading a script. “The Nightmare is a metaphysical manifestation of my darker nature.  A thousand years ago, I became consumed by my anger and jealousy and it took form before me.  When I embraced The Nightmare, it changed me into what everyone knows as Nightmare Moon.  By the time I realized the error of my ways, it was already in control and twice attempted to cover Equestria in a shroud of eternal night.”

That… mostly fit with everything I knew.  Except for The Nightmare actually being a separate entity from Luna.  What was really weird, though, was Celestia’s reaction.  She was almost grimacing.  As though just listening was painful for her.

“My turn.” Luna didn’t even wait for me to approve of her answer.  Because she’s a jerk with a horn. “How are you involved in all of this?”

“The Nightmare tried to possess him.” Celestia answered.

I took another drag before nodding. “Yeah.  I’m not sure why, though.  It totally knew that I was from Earth, though.”

“Not it.  She.  And Earth?  Is there a new kingdom I need to know about?” Luna raised an eyebrow.

I started to shout something inane, but Celestia was quicker than me.

“He’s not from this world, Luna,” she pointed out glancing in my direction. “He’s not even a pony.  He’s what is known as a human.”

I don’t think it was unfair of me to expect confusion on Luna’s part.  I do think it was unfair that I was suddenly being regarded as a rabid dog.

“A human!?” she shrieked, jumping back a step and casting this nifty blue bubble about me that sparkled and chimed like magic seems to do in Equestria. “Tia, you’re insane!  Why are you bringing humans to Canterlot?!”

“Oh goodness, this stuff isn’t radioactive is it?” I asked from within my fabulous new prison, gingerly tapping on the closest surface with a hoof. “That might be bad for my complexion.”

Celestia was not having any of this. “Luna, if this is your idea of a joke, I have been awake for far too long to be asked to laugh.”

Guys.  I can’t make this shit up.  Luna replied with, “Tia, just trust me!  Humans are dangerous!  Their ingenuity is only matched by their bloodthirst.”

That took me all of about three seconds to digest.  Normally it doesn’t take so long, but that… that was something else entirely.

“Bloodthirst?” I snickered derisively before dousing my cigarette on my tongue and flicking it against my prison.  If I had been less distracted, I would have just burned it or something. “Oh Christ, I’ve not had the pleasure of hearing my species described by a non-human, yet.  Tell me more, Luna.”

“Luna, let him go.  I can assure you, his most dangerous trait is his shamelessness.” Celestia shut her eyes and rubbed just under her horn with a hoof. “How do you know of humans anyway?  Have you met any?”

“No.  But I’ve seen them before.  The Nightmare and I could see them.  While on the moon, we saw many worlds but the humans were the only other species we had seen,” she explained, never taking her eyes or bubble off of me, “They’re so completely different than us.  Even time moves differently for them.  But they have incredible technology.  Especially where their weapons are concerned.”

“Woah.  Multiverse theory is best theory!” I exclaimed happily.  Maybe the Justice League did exist out there after all! “Oh, I can think of a few scientists that are going to scream when they figure that one out.  Seriously, though.  You don’t honestly think…”

She quite rudely interrupted me, “All I know is what I saw!”

“Well… What did you see?”

I fetched myself a new cigarette.  I could tell I was going to need it for the sake of patience.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t anger easily.  But misanthropy is one of my pet peeves.  I find the truly cynical to be charmingly amusing at best and depressingly annoying at worst.  So I steeled myself, not wanting to snap and hurt my chances of staying in Equestria’s good graces.

“Prisons holding hundreds of thousands!” she declared as though that should explain everything.

I gave a mirthful snort before lighting back up. “More like millions but go on.”

Celestia looked back and forth between us.  I guess she wanted to get some answers as well.  Or maybe she trusted Luna’s judgment enough to give her a say.  Either way, I wasn’t worried.

“Images of violence and war being viewed for entertainment!”

Luna didn’t sound as confident this time.  Which was good, actually.  It meant she wasn’t one of those idiots that assume their first guess is correct no matter what and anyone that says differently is making an attack on them and their reputation.  Seriously, you know how many people out there are like that?  It’s staggering, and I’m certain I’m just reiterating what you already know.

“You’re either talking about memorials or possibly movies,” I replied with a nod and a one-hoof shrug. “Any other high notes you want to hit before I give my rebuttal?”

“Your leaders dedicate vast sums of currency towards the development of weapons.  I can’t imagine why one would invest so heavily in violence.” And the supreme hostility finally tapered out.

“Right; heard enough.  Somepony’s been watching a little too much Fox News.” I rolled my eyes before taking another drag and letting it out with a sigh.

“Okay.  We’ll start with the top.  Millions of people in prison?  Yes.  But when you take into account that there are seven-billion people on Earth, yes, you heard right… Seven billion.  That’s a seven with nine cute, little zeroes chasing after that lucky bastard.  Mathematically, you could have fifty-million people in prison and still not hit one percent of the population.  I’m not saying we’re saints, but I am saying that you are judging the majority based on the minority.

“Now, your next point could have some merit if it were to be taken at face value.  ‘Violent images being viewed for entertainment’?  Yeah, that’s something we do.  Humans can be pretty aggressive and action really speaks to the majority of us.  However, no one goes in and watches just violence.  They want the story behind it.  Most people don’t even realize that they care more about the character rather than what the character actually does.  And that’s just a fact.  As cool as action is, we love us a damn good story even more.  In fact, a good story can sell just about anything to a human, no matter what the genre.  What I’m saying, Luna, is that you’ve taken our tolerance and acceptance of violence as a sign of sadism when really all it is for the most part is a heightened degree of desensitization towards darker topics.

“And now for the fun one:  Weapons development!  Yeah, sorry, I’ve got to shoot this down.  I’m sure to the untrained eye that this is a terrible thing and it makes us look like a bunch of warmongers, but when you have a world full of passionate, ambitious people… Well, let’s just say you have to worry about protecting what you have.  And nothing deters the greedy like a little bit of self-protection.  A wise man once said, and I’m loosely quoting here:  The best kind of weapon is the weapon that never need be used.  No one’s going to swing a stick at a guy who’s holding a bigger stick than him.  But hey, that argument isn’t for everyone so let me just promise you that I know humans better than you.  It’s more necessary than you could possibly imagine.  Because while most humans are content with what they have, it’s still wise to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.

“Now, finally, keep this little bit of information in mind.  You don’t know me.  All you know is some sensationalized B.S. conclusion you’ve drawn on your own.  Now I’m just guessing here, but I don’t think you’ve ever met a single human, much less an average one.  What you’re doing here is judging me based on limited knowledge.  Ask yourself, if you did not know that I was a human, would you feel threatened by me?  I can only imagine that you wouldn’t.  Why?  Because the fact of the matter is that I am no threat to you, Celestia, or even Equestria.  And other than annoy a few ponies here and there, I’ve not bothered anyone.  So if you would be so kind as to let me go, I’ll happily forget that you found it necessary to judge me guilty until proven innocent.”

Nothing happened for a few seconds.  It was kind of a high-stress situation and everyone was trying to stay cool about it.  I continued smoking, Luna continued holding me prison, and Celestia stared back and forth at the two of us as though she were having some trouble deciding whether she should take a side or stay out of it.

When the silence continued to stagnate though, Celestia decided to bring it to a close. “Luna.  I think it’s obvious by now that you need to release him.”

“And why is that?” she responded, never taking her eyes off me.

Celestia rubbed at her eyes whilst yawning. “Because if you did feel threatened enough to imprison him without just cause, you would have already done it.  Therefore you aren’t certain that he’s dangerous; meaning you would be detaining him on nothing but fear and assumption.  And it’s very unbecoming of a princess to be so assuming.”

Celestia, you are just so awesome.  If you had worded that any other way, it wouldn’t have been as awesome, but unintentionally repeating that line was exactly what was needed to break the situational drama.

“HAH!” I suddenly jumped up and pointed a hoof at Luna. “I TOLD YOU SO!”

“Tia,” Luna groaned, slapping a hoof over face as I began to guffaw like a boss.

Poor Celestia was so confused, but that was okay.  It was a small price to pay for recanting the tension that had been growing ever more palpable. “Is there… something I missed?”

Luna sighed as she released me from my sparkly magic cage.

It was smooth sailing from thereon.  Luna, while not as charming as before, was able to stop herself from being frigid and foul-tempered for the rest of the night.  It didn’t take us long to get back on the subject of The Nightmare, not that that was a great help.  To be perfectly honest, Luna didn’t know much more than we did.  All she knew was that A) The Nightmare was symbiotic and needed a host for a lot of things, including the capacity to just think properly; B) She (Luna refers to it as a female and I don’t know why) wants to hurt a specific something or somepony but it can’t remember who; and C) The Nightmare is thoroughly convinced that it is a destroyer of civilizations even though it doesn’t have any compelling reason to be.  We all concluded that there was only one thing we could deduce from all that:  The Nightmare is nucking futs.  Which sucks due to the fact that there really aren’t a wide variety of ways to go about handling the violently crazy.

Upon reaching that consensus, we moved to more pleasant topics.  Such as Celestia’s change of eye-shadow colors.  Which was actually me sticking my hoof in my mouth.  I mentioned how it didn’t look that good on her.  Only when Luna began to laugh did I realize that was just fatigue starting to show on the sun princess.  Celestia was possessed of a great kindness, however, and did not smite my fuzzy grey plot into the ground for my insolence.  Rather, she instead excused herself to bed and made mention that morning was going to be a little late.  Before taking her leave, she politely suggested that it would be a good idea that Luna and I not kill one another during the night.  We made no promises.  Then we had that awkward situation where you’re with someone that you’re not sure you want to be around but don’t want to make matters worse by leaving for the sole reason of getting away from them.

Luckily, Luna showed how much of a big girl she was by stepping up to the plate of apologizingness.

“Look, I want to say I’m sorry for that just then.” She didn’t sound incredibly sincere, but then again it’s really hard to just throw off your suspicions all at once.  The important thing was that she was making a genuine effort, begrudged as it was.

“Eh.  I’ve had worse.  No big deal,” I said with a smile before yawning. “Man, what time is it?”

I summoned up my phone and checked the time.  I blinked as I realized I had just pushed a finger-sized button on the back of the phone with the same hoof that it was being held with and instantly had to keep myself from wondering how I managed that just to prevent my head from asploding.  Still, I got what I wanted and discovered that it was already just past midnight.

“Wow,” I said with a chuckle, trying not to yawn a second time, “Well, we can either continue this conversation with some caffeine or you’re going to have to tuck me into bed.”

“What is that…?” Luna asked fearfully, staring at my Atrix 4G as though I were about to stab her to death with it.

“This?  This is a phone.  You talk to people with it.  It keeps track of time.  And the weather.  And… Well, it’s called a smartphone, actually, because it does a whole bunch of things.”

“R… Really?” Dat mystified voice.

“Yeah, check this out.”

Seriously, I thought Twilight and Pinkie had been impressed.  Luna was just straight up enthralled.  And that was where the blessed friendshipping started.  In retrospect, if it hadn’t been Luna, I probably would have been annoyed by all the questions.  It was like Twilight all over again, except the direction of the conversation was all over the place.  Weather prediction would lead into radars, which would quickly segway into recon boats, which would then take a turn towards the airforce, which led towards a classic airships-heavier-than-air-can’t-fly debate.  Now, you might be wondering why I was giving Luna all this information after freaking out about telling the other ponies about humanity and everything relevant.  My answer is that Luna already had a decent amount of exposure to humans on her own so I was more likely to dispel her fears more than giving her nasty ideas.

I had to hold the conversation hostage to get her to stop asking questions long enough to direct us to the kitchen (slightly off tangent – the castle’s kitchen is insanely well-stocked).  Much to my dismay, ponies do not have coffee.  Much to my delight, however, they have loads and loads of tea ingredients.  You see, I’m probably the only American male that knows how to properly blend teas in my region.  And with the proper equipment, you can make a blend of Matѐ tea that outshines coffee in flavor, aroma, and even amount of caffeine.  Anyway, I couldn’t remember a good mix off the top of my head, so I did what any sensible guy with a smart phone would do:  Google it.

Well, that was a mistake.  Rather, answering Luna’s curious question as to what I was doing with the phone was where the mistake came into play.  The idea of being able to access entire archives of information with a device no bigger than a hoof was tripping her out.  I thought the first questionnaire was bad?  I thought I was going to have to look up how to acid-etch a circuit board before she would let me make my damn tea!  Not that I minded, I was still in the middle of an ongoing geek-out that I was getting to chill with Luna.  Even coupled with that enthusiasm though, I still wasn’t able to keep up with her.  So yet a second time, I had to hold the conversation hostage just to keep my wits about me.  I realize I’m making the poor thing sound incredibly geeky, but let’s be honest here:  Technology looks as amazing to the ponies as magic looks to us.  If you can keep that in mind, you’ll have an easier time of understanding why it was freaking her out so much.

“Woah, Luna, stop right there,” I begged as I finished fetching the last of the tea’s ingredients, interrupting her spiel on how obsolete divination spells would become if ponies had access to a device such as my smartphone.  Seriously, she’s something of a nerd.  In a good way, though.  She wasn’t being obnoxious as much as she was just being a skosh overwhelming.  And I think you all can find it quite believable that I know what it’s like to become hopelessly and uncontrollably excited.

“Sorry!” She half grimaced, half smiled. “I’m just… I don’t think you realize just how incredible…”

“No, I totally realize!  It’s nasty cool.  And I get that containing so much excitement is damn near impossible.  Just ask Twilight and Rainbow Dash.  I went crazy when I first met them.  Hell, I even lost consciousness,” I countered with a smile of my own. “I just need your help real quick.  I need to heat this water up and I metaphorically suck so badly at magic that it’s comparable to a singularity.”

Luna processed that pretty slowly, blinking a bit before snort-laughing.  By Celestia’s beard, that was almost too adorable to handle.  The stupid mare nearly killed me some cruel mixture of heart failure and diabeetus.

“That was clever,” she snickered, hiding her muzzle behind a hoof as she tried to suppress her snorty snickers. “With the meta… Hee!  Metaphorically sucking and black holes.  That’s… -snort!-”

“Dude, you are like the least princess-y princess, ever,” I mocked with the most serious face I could muster for a solid three seconds.

Truthfully, I really couldn’t help but start to laugh as well.  It was one of those times where you start laughing because someone else is trying not to laugh and failing so badly at it.  This in turn causes a laughing feedback which escalates into a cacophony of two or more idiots laughing at one another laughing at one another.  Laughception!

It took us awhile to get a hold of ourselves, but not before we’d spent a solid minute or more hooting it up like a pair of dumbasses.

“Oh wow,” she murmured before wiping her eyes and shaking her head at the current level of ludicrousness. “So you really need help with just warming some water?  That’s pretty basic stuff, actually.”

“Umm… Yeah, I haven’t been a unicorn for a whole two days yet, so I know next to nothing, really.” I admitted, blushing as I showed her my most apologetic grin.

She jokingly rolled her eyes before letting out a sigh of faux exasperation. “Well, since you were nice enough to answer all my questions, I suppose I can be bothered to do the same for you.”

“Awesome.” I floated her the cup of water and nodded eagerly. “Even if you were rude just then.”

She took that as a slight which was actually a perfect setup.  “I was not!”

“Oh yeah?  What’s my name, Princess of the Night?” I stuck my tongue out at her before pointing at the cup. “And heat the bloody water already.”

The shock on her face was rather entertaining.  Crazy how such incredibly large details like that can be overlooked.

“My stars!  Celestia never introduced you!”

Heh… ‘My stars,’ indeed!

“Nope,” I responded with a big grin before looking back at the top and frowning, “Hey, don’t forget about the water.”

“I’m sorry, how ru-…” Damn it, she almost said it, too!  But unfortunately, she caught herself just before letting the damning word pass her lips and instead just gave me a sly look. “Nice try there, smart guy.”

“It almost worked.  And seriously… I would totally be grateful for that water.”  I should have just shut up after that.  Really, I should have.  I mean, her horn started to glow and she looked down at the cup of water in her hoof and I was about to have my hot tea.  Instead, I opened my big fat mouth and distracted her again.  I’m, like, my own worst enemy! “And on the offchance that you actually care, the name is Anon-Pony.”

She looked at me and the twinkly magic around her horn dissipated.  She arched an eyebrow and stared at me as though I were speaking communism or something. “‘A Non Pony’?  Really?”

“No, the water!” I cried out before face-hoofing and letting out a helpless sigh. “Anon-pony.  As in a portmanteau of ‘anonymous’ and ‘pony’!”

“What…?  Why would your parents name you that?”

I think it was on purpose.  It had to be.  She was just screwing around with me and I was too distracted by being too tired to notice at the time.  I mean, she may be a pony, but make no mistake, Luna’s a master troll.  I didn’t know this at the time, sadly.  All I knew then was that I wanted my caffeinated tea and she wouldn’t give it to me!  She wouldn’t give it to me!  Why wouldn’t she just give me the damn tea?!  Why was I stupid enough to continue answering her stupid questionnaire rather than do as I did before and just hold the conversation hostage?!  Why did Rainbow Dash yell at the stupid stack of rocks in Party of One?!

“Luna, please,” I whimpered, sticking out my bottom lip, “The water.”

“Oh!” She was acting innocent, but I swear, I saw her struggling to not smile.  Maybe it was all in my head, but I wouldn’t have put money on that being the case!  The important thing, though, was that she began to heat the water and I did not speak again until it was good and steamy.  “Have some.”

“Wee!” I squealed in delight, taking hold of the piping hot cup and setting it beside the tray of tea ingredients. “Finally.  Let it… begin!  Let it begin!”

I glanced back at her as I gathered everything in a steeping pouch and set it in the water.

“Sorry about that, I was just… Well, it just doesn’t make any sense.” And then she channeled Twilight… “You don’t lack identity.  At worst you merely lack a moniker.”

Oh, that struck a nerve.  I felt my bottom left eyelid twitch in fury as I continued to stir the tea bag around.

“What I mean to say is that, technically, you’re not anonymous,” she pointed out as politely as she could.

“This again?!” I lost my temper, flinging my hooves up into the air and unintentionally knocking over my teacup.  I gasped in horror and dived to save it, but all I managed to do was smack the tray that held all the ingredients prepared on it and flip it on a fulcrum angled perfectly to fling it all on Luna.

“NOOO, MY BABIES!” I roared in protest despite being unable to stop the madness from happening.  On instinct alone, I dived to catch the tray, but all I really managed to do was tackle the poor princess and send us smashing into a cabinet full of what was probably more precious china than the entirety of my apartment’s dish and silverware.  I’m not going into details about what was said afterwards, but your hint is that Luna has quite the potty mouth.  Also, some pony out there with a china teacup for a Cutie-Mark was able to retire, assuming half the shit we broke got replaced.

* * *

Well, it had been an interesting night to say the least.  After cleaning up and cooling off my burning ears,  -   She called me a motherless blank flank!  What the hell!  That’s probably six times as offensive as it sounds, and it sounds downright hurtful!  -  I decided I would explore the atrium.  I figured Luna would go do her own thing, but instead she elected to continue pestering me.  Well, it wasn’t really her pestering me as much as the other way around, but she knew the risks when she chose to continue hanging around me.  To be straight with you, I was actually trying to ask her questions to keep her from asking me a bunch of questions.  I didn’t mind answering them, I was just afraid that things were going to take an inevitable turn towards the uglier side of humanity.  Besides, Stupid Tissy Bird seemed to stay away when I wasn’t alone and I was just dandy with that.

As we walked out into the courtyard, I couldn’t help but spot the statue that I had so gracefully cracked my skull upon.  I had not seen it without double vision until just then, so I was kind of shocked by its majesty.  Seriously, it was huge and made of petrified wood and marble, with big dazzling sapphires for eyes.  The armor was unique, and a bit flared at the edges with the helmet removed.  The wings were outspread, proving to be just as large as Celestia’s, if not even moreso.  I found myself wondering just who this guy was and I’d been running out of questions anyway.  Besides, there were obviously a few differences between the continuity I was familiar with and the actual history of Equestria; so I figured, why the hell not, right?

“So,” I said as we approached the statue. “Who is this big ol’ hunk of pegasus?”

I moved closer to the memorial plaque that was set on the pedestal in front of the statue.  It was very simple, surprisingly.  No special inlays or anything, just that weird wing-ding language that the ponies have engraved into a plain plate of what was either bronze or gold.  Couldn’t be certain in the dim night lighting.

“Oh.  Him,” Luna replied.  Her voice struggled to break flat, but there was a slight crack in her words.

I faced her somewhat, taking note of the regret that had suddenly stained her demeanor. “Memories much?”

“Bad ones,” she confirmed with a soft sigh, lifting her head a bit to look the statue in the eyes.

“Oh.” Well, shit.  I didn’t want to dredge up the rough times; I just wanted to ask a few questions.

“Well uh… I know what it’s like to not want to dig up a rough past.  You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Never let it be said that I am a hypocrite, even if I sometimes tend to be one!

“No, it’s fine.” She narrowed her eyes a bit before glancing my way with a sad smirk. “I had plenty of time to think about what I had done.  A thousand years, in fact.”

Well, they say time heals all wounds, right?

I let out a soft chuckle. “Yeah, I guess if you aren’t going to get over it with that much time, chances are you just aren’t going to get over it.”

She let out a humorless laugh. “Indeed.”

“Well, if you’re sure it’s okay to talk about it, then who is he?” I looked back at the gibberish engraved onto the plaque. “I can’t read your freaky pictograms here.”

“Sounds like a personal problem to me,” she replied with a snicker before glancing at the pedestal in front of me. “Well, since we don’t have any six-year olds to translate for you...”

“Oh, we’ve got us a six-year old!” I interrupted her, complimenting my sarcasm with a roll of the eyes. “She just happens to be older than dirt in all actuality.”

Her snicker graduated into a full-on laugh for a few moments.  I had to listen to the whole thing, too.  Not that it lasted especially long, but damn, it sucks to be the butt of Luna’s humor.  You’ll see what I mean soon enough.

“You done yukin’ it up over there, chuckles?” I facehoofed, unable to resist letting a snort of my own.

“Oh, I suppose,” she said with smile before looking back at the commemorative inscription. “It says ‘Winter Sky – Hero of Equestria – May the worth of your sacrifice be reflected in all our actions’.”

“Sacrifice?” I tilted my head, looking back and forth between her and the statue.

“We did battle a thousand years ago when I let The Nightmare take control.  She… We killed him,” she answered, raising her gaze to stare up at the statue and letting out a remorseful sigh. “His sacrifice gave Celestia the time she needed to save Equestria from us using the Elements of Harmony.  I… Well, we thought she wouldn’t be able to use them without me.  I’m glad that wasn’t the case.”

If you heard the squeal of tires just before a tumultuous explosion, let me assuage your fears by saying that was actually my perception of Equestria’s cartoonyness flying into the jagged rocks of reality whereupon it detonated violently.  Seriously.  My jaw dropped.  Not only was this a memorial to a pony that died, but the pegasus in question actually perished by way of violence.  Holy hell.  I just wasn’t ready for that!  I wasn’t ready for that at all!

“Woah.” My eyes were not wide enough to properly displayed just how floored I was, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t as wide as they could get.

“Mmm,” she commented, still staring at the statue.

I don’t think Luna realized I wasn’t making observations about her and her past, but rather was still trying to adjust myself to the reality that there was honest-to-God tragedy here in this world.  I’m serious, the idea of a pony dying to save all of Equestria was mind fragging.  I’m sure it was an awesome, noble story and everything but still.  Ponies dying.  I guess there are some harsh facts about life that one simply does not escape from, no matter how wonderful a society you live in.

I let out a soft whistle before looking back up at the statue.

“Uh-huh.” Luna turned away from the memorial and began to trot away.

I moved to trot alongside her, blinking as I continued to struggle with the acceptance of what I had just learned. “That’s… Wow.”

“It’s a good thing I don’t have a complex related to it or anything, else you might be upsetting me.” The sardonic edge in her voice was more than enough of a hint to realize that I needed to get a grip and stop freaking out.

“Sorry.  But… Can you really blame yourself?” I asked, hoping to be helpful in any way possible. “I mean, The Nightmare was the one in control, right?”

“I guess if you were one to argue semantics or were looking to dodge responsibility, then yes.  It wasn’t directly my fault,” she mused aloud, keeping her voice level and calm, “But the facts are that I let my petty jealousy consume me enough that I gave myself over willingly.  I may have not have swung the sword, but I was the only one that could draw it.  It was a… grave mistake.  One that I will never repeat within the eternity of my life.”

This was the moment in life where Luna stopped being a half-nerd, half-smartass princess to being a deep, strong-hearted individual with a silly edge and a rough past.  For me, that was totally relatable.  I don’t think I’m nearly as deep or strong-hearted, personally, but I can definitely say that I know where that kind of thinking comes from.

“Damn, that’s…” I struggled as I contemplated Luna’s desire to accept responsibility. “I… I don’t… Shit, I don’t know a lot of people that would own up to their actions like that.  I suppose asking if you’re alright would be a stupid thing to do.”

She smirked a bit, before looking at me out of the corner of my eye. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Alright.  Are you sure you’re okay with me knowing all this, though?  This is some pretty candid stuff, so…  I mean, I know I’d be a lot more hesitant to air out my closet like that,” I murmured, lowering my head.  She made it look so easy, but anyone with a tough past can tell you that it’s a hundred times harder than it looks.  And that’s with the knowledge that it doesn’t look easy to begin with.

“Well, it’s rather common knowledge.  I’m sure you would have stumbled across it one day eventually,” she offered dryly.

We walked in silence for few more minutes.  It was a nice break from all the zaniness I was prone to causing.  I almost commented that this had to be a hallucination simply for the fact that I had not been painfully injured within the last hour.  Though I will admit, that was mostly due to poor, defenseless Luna cushioning my assault on the fine china cabinet.  Which was still her fault, by the way.

“Well, you suddenly make a lot more sense, at least,” I said suddenly, surprising even myself.

She arched an eyebrow at me in suspicion as we made our way out of the atrium and up the steps leading into the palace itself. “Oh?”

“Yeah.” I turned right around halfway and gently laid back on the steps, throwing my hooves behind my head and staring up at the moon.  It was so much bigger than the one back on Earth.  Well, it was likely the same size and just a bit closer instead.  Whatever the case, it was pretty mystifying.

“And why’s that?” Luna did that pony sitting thing where they sorta just curl their legs under themselves.  And it looks un-freakin’-comfortable to say the least.

“Humor as a coping mechanism,” I pointed out as I conjured myself another ‘Smokey Treat’ and lit up. “I do the same thing.  Like… For everything.  It takes the edge off of life’s nastier side.  Helps to get me through the day.  And helps a lot of other people, too.”

“Hmm.” She didn’t deign to sit, but rather conjured herself up a dark cloud to perch herself upon. “Y’know, you aren’t as stupid as you act or look.”

I stuck my tongue out at the moon.  It wasn’t actually Luna, but close enough. “Well, unfortunately I can’t say the same about you.”

She snickered a bit. “Okay, okay, I’ll admit, I walked into that one.  Are all humans as quick on the retort?”

“Hah!” I snorted, letting one side of my mouth curl up with a bit of arrogance. “They wish.  Some are.  Not many though.  The best ones know how to sing or add rhythm to their comebacks, though.  Those are fun.  Most humans, though, don’t know how to string together a derogatory slur well enough to agitate a sink full of dishwater.”

WARNING!  INCOMING RANT!  WATCH OUT!  I’M EXPRESSING AN OPINION AND YOU MIGHT DISAGREE!  I’m sorry, but anyone that typically uses five words or less to insult someone else really has no business talking.  Like, ever.  EVER.  Because, let us be honest, ‘ur a fag’ or ‘f^&% u’ online or anything remotely similar (such as blasting out anything in all caps) is something you say when you want everyone that ever witnesses this line to know that you are or do one or more of the following:

Breathe through your mouth because you have yet to discover the magic of olfactory functions.  The most common culprit is the excessive amount of brain matter leaking into your sinuses due to lack of exercise, causing it to uselessly slosh about your cranium in a semi-liquid state.

Are strangely attracted to eating glue or crayons.  Probably both.  Using one to season the other because you can’t distinguish either from marshmallow cream or candy sticks.

Are incapable of realizing that the person you are talking to is a real person and that even though you would typically never such things directly to their face, the lack of consequences has liberated you so that you may express, without inhibition, that you possess only the bare minimum of IQ required to use a keyboard

Are also likely a troll that seriously has nothing better to do but bother people you’ve never even met, all in a desperate attempt to enrich your sad life through damaging theirs.  This is typically caused by either being a bully that grew up and found out that nobody likes you or having been bullied and you simply want someone to take it out on because you can’t do what the normal person does by way of learning to fix or cope with it.  See also:  Haters.

Are raised in such a way that hateful ignorance is your go-to excuse, and anything new or life-altering need be met with fear and aggression.  Coming from an agnostic, I feel completely safe in saying that this is the last thing I would ever want to be.  From the Westboro Baptists to the League of Militant Atheists.  You guys suck worse than just about anyone else.  Please mend your ways or stop taking up the perfectly good air that could be better served allowing someone with an actual brain to function properly.

TL;DR – I get butthurt at stupid people saying stupid things in stupid ways, which is pretty stupid of me since all they’re doing is dragging me down to their level and beating me with experience.

“Huh.” She smiled down at me from her cloudy perch upon high. “You know, I’m glad I didn’t go with my gut instinct of imprisoning you without cause.  You’re nothing like the humans that The Nightmare showed me.  Just as dangerous, though; I’ll be lucky if I don’t have a bruise for the next week!”

“That’s because no two humans are the same.” I took another drag as I looked back up at her. “We’re so freaking diverse and numerous that there are hundreds of countries; dozens of religions; hundreds of thousands, if not millions of towns and cities.”

“I had no idea,” she mused, smiling a bit. “It’s incredible, really.”

“Hah!” I replied dryly before shaking my head. “No, this place is incredible.  I mean, do you guys have wars?”

“Never.”

“Plagues?”

“Not with the aid of magic.”

“And crime, I hear is almost nonexistent.”

She considered that for a moment before giving a helpless wing shrug.  I just wanted to punch those feathery attachments.  I think you know why by now.

“It does cause quite a stir when it does come up, I suppose,” she admitted.

“Right.  I hear about hundreds of crimes every week.  Just within my region,” I pointed out with a tired sigh. “This place though?  This is a utopia.  This is where it’s at.”

Luna began to absently pick at her cloud with her hooves, glaring at it as though it were offending her.  She spoke just as I began to take another puff off my cigarette, “It’s boring.”

“Objection!” I tried to croak through the smoke in my throat, causing me to hack up a lung for the next several seconds.  After recovering, I defended my statement with watery eyes and a cracked voice, “This place is the shit!  It’s an entire society that believes in altruism!  How amazing is that?!”

“But humans have such drive and aspirations!” She sat up and directed her glare at me, throwing a hoof out as though to indicate everything around us. “Without magic, ponies would pale in comparison.  Look at your technology!  It looks more magical than what we use!  And we use actual magic!”

If I had thought more on the matter, that would have made more sense.  But my initial reaction was to dismiss such a ludicrous notion. “No way.”

“That glass of yours.  The one you called a ‘Smart Phone’ earlier,” she said as she hopped off her cloud, casting a second spell to create a breeze to push away my cigarette smoke. “I saw the date, time, and weather!  You may not realize how incredibly useful that knowledge could be, especially the last one.  Unicorns would exhaust themselves if they tried to cast three divination spells within an hour.”

I started to contemplate the implications that she was getting at.  I mean, if you were a farmer and didn’t need to guess the entire week’s weather, it could end up saving you plenty of time and hardship.  And that was excluding the more impressive technology that we had access to.  But a lot of it could be worked for ponies to use.  Such as crop-dusting.  Hell, it would cost a lot less for a pegasus to crop dust than some expensive plane with expensive fuel, not to mention you would still have to hire the expensive pilot.  Anyway, this was all going through my head so I kinda-sorta forgot to pay attention to the conversation.  It doesn’t happen often, but occasionally ideas will race through my head so rapidly that I am no longer aware of everything that’s going on around me.

“Hellooo?  Stupid human?” Luna waved a hoof in front of my face.

“Wh…?” I blinked before coming back down to Earth… Err… Equestria and looking back at her, “Oh.  Hi, Luna.  Have you considered pegasus crop dusting?”

“What!?” She’s so cute when she’s frustrated. “What is that and how does that have anything to do with what we were just talking about?!”

“Everything,” I said before taking one final drag off my cigarette and then held it up in my hoof.  I began staring at it as hard as I could until it poofed into flame.  It was getting easier, but I was still having some difficulty.  It wasn’t until I saw Luna on the other side of the ashes that I got an idea.  I immediately sat up with my eyes wide and my mouth hanging open.

“Wait!  I got it!” I cried with a bubbly sensation welling up from the inside of the happy spot in my brain. “Okay!  Get this!  Since I’m going to be here in Equestria for a while, why don’t we help each other out?  I’ve got the magical know-how to basically flip a pancake and that’s about it. I barely managed to grab three things at once this morning, and that was just a spur of the moment mixed in with a little bit of awesome.”

Luna raised an eyebrow and tilted her head as though she were struggling with the implications. “Wait, you want me to teach you magic?  Me.  The Princess.  Not somepony more professional?”

“Maybe if I wanted to go about it in the most boring way possible.”  I’m not going to lie.  Learning magic from some stuffy professor sounded about as exciting as a prying off my fingernails with a crowbar.  Which, amusingly enough, would get my heart rate up and going, but not in a good way. “And in exchange, I will answer any… Well… Most questions about humans.”

“Why only most!?” she cried with an adorable voice crack.  Seriously, it was brutally endearing.

“Because there are some things I don’t want to expose ponies to,” I murmured sheepishly, “Humans can be really freakin’ horrific, Luna.  And not even on purpose half the time.”

She cut a glare back at me that let me know she wasn’t satisfied with that argument. “That doesn’t seem like a fair trade.”

“You can always ask some other human… OH WAIT!” I can be a jerk sometimes.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “You’re a jerk.”

See, even Luna agrees.

“C’mon.  It’ll be fun.” I got to my hooves and hopped a couple times to emphasize my excitement. “We’ll both learn stuff and if things go well enough… That is, if you can handle some slightly grittier stuff, then maybe… Keep in mind, ‘maybe’ does not mean promise!  Maybe… Just maybe we can start going into the darker subjects.  Maybe.  MAYBE!”

She mulled that over, pursing her lips as she considered the offer with half-lidded eyes aimed off to the side.  One smirk later and I knew my fate been sealed.

“One condition,” she said, her eyes meeting mine with sinister intent, “When magic training makes you cry, and it will, you have to do it in front of me so I can laugh.”

AND LIKE A DUMBASS I SAID: “Deal!”

Remember when I said that I read the fine print?  Yeah, this is proof that I was full of shit when I said that.

-=-

This has been a fan-written story by CardsLafter - Follow me on DeviantArt to stay up to date with TTEOAP

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Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Five - Part One: Burning Books and Tech for Fun and Profit!

By:  CardsLafter

Patty Cake.  A damnable pony if ever there was one.  She advertised herself as a celebrity chef pony but the fact of the matter was that she had been created for the sole purpose of driving me insane.  How?  Oh, well it’s simple.  The stupid mare took such pride in her work that she had enchanted all of her books to make them resistant to damage of any kind, thus keeping resale value high.  Or so she said.  The truth was that she was somewhere out there, rubbing her stupid villainous hooves together as she snickered at my feeble attempts to defeat her magic.  I know that’s why Luna chose this book.  Because it was amusing for her to give me impossible tasks and watch me fail at them.  

“Last try, Hot Head,” Luna reminded me for the umpteenth time.

I glared at that *#&^ing book with all the anger I could manage.  I was dis-frigg’n-pleased with its existence. The Incredible Edible Hay was the bane of my happiness.  It wanted nothing more than to ruin my life, and I’ll be damned if something wasn’t doing a good job of it.  Maybe it was the humid, greenhouse-like air that the garden seemed to have at all times, day or night.  Maybe it was the annoying ringing song of Patty’s protection spell that kept me from directly burning the book.  Most likely though, it was that damn brown pony (no doubt the villainous Patty Cake) staring off the cover art at me as though she were the most badass mare to ever have her countenance printed on paper and sold next to the ‘Cooking for Dumb Ponies’.

I’m being awesome and nopony can stop me, it practically screamed at me.  Oh, I wanted to prove it wrong so badly.  So very, very badly.

“It vexes me,” I growled, resisting the urge to grab the book and futilely attempt to rip it in half.

I guess I should explain why it was being such a successful source of fury.  Well, put quite simply, I was trying to cast a spell on the book.  The book was trying to resist the spell because it didn’t like the idea of being transformed into a small pile of ashes and an intangible archive of information within my mind.  Handy spell, eh?  Do all of your reading all at once.  Woo!  Awesome!  Unfortunately, though, I had yet to make the spell work because, as I said, the book objected to my attempt at fiery destruction/transformation.  But last I checked, the book itself did not have rights.  I, on the other hoof, had rights.  Like the right to happiness.  And this book was getting in the way of that right.  I’m pretty sure you get the death penalty for that back in Australia or Canada or something.  I know they do it in Sweden, at least.

“Please hurry up and fail already.” That was Luna being supportive.  Usually she just screamed at me until I ran away crying.  And then she would beat me with a bar of soap in a sock.  Or maybe I dreamed that all up, but it’s not like that would be out of character for her or anything.  “It’s almost time for me to go to bed.”

“Seriously, I’ve yet to successfully singe the book!” I cried out in frustration, slamming a hoof down in anger. “How am I supposed to incinerate it and slurp up the words!?”

She perked up a bit before reaching up a hoof to gently tap her chin.

“Y’know, I never thought about it that way,” she mused aloud before suddenly tensing up as if she were straining. “If I can just… Wait… Wait… I just...!”

I took a step back.  Sorry, but there’s just no reason to take unnecessary risks.  For all I know, she might be trying to turn me into a newt.  As it turned out, she was just being stupid.

“Nope, sorry.” She relaxed before smiling back at me. “I couldn’t bring myself to care.”

“How unfortunate,” I droned sardonically.

“Cast the spell,” she ordered with a soft yawn, waving a dismissive hoof at me.

I sat up and crossed my hooves angrily. “You cast it!”

“I did.  Twice,” she pointed out dryly. “Hurry up, already.  It’s almost time for me to go to bed.”

I blinked and looked behind me at the horizon.  Sure enough, the sky was starting to take on a telltale greenish tint.

“Word?” I murmured.

“Word,” she confirmed after lifting a foreleg up for random hoof inspection.

Oh, there’s a story behind that, if you care.  See, I tend to use a wide variety of slang, and Luna’s smart enough to discern the meaning of each one nearly every time.  Now, I had said ‘word’ once before and for some unfathomable reason, it had amused her.  A lot.  And so it stuck.  Which led to a lot of silliness.  All that was lacking were fingers to throw out ‘deuces’ with.  And shutter shades.  That girl needed shutter-shades so badly.  Because you… Well, y’know, every punk needs a pair of shutter-shades.  u c wut i did thar?

“Um.  Right.” I was feeling a little on-the-spot; I’ll admit it. “Uh… Third time’s the charm?”

“Right.  Incentive then!” she remarked with a cold, crooked smile crawling up the side of her face. “I’m going to chain you to Lucky for a week if you don’t cast the spell successfully before I count to ten.”

Oh, the unmitigated horror that manifested onto my face.  If you think she’s kidding, then you’d be wrong.   Dead wrong.  Holy accidental homicide (Hippocide?), Batman!  Last week she literally chained me to Lucky for a day and gave us a list of errands to do throughout the day.  Never again.  Understand?  Not for all the gold in Fort Knox.  Not for Half Life 3.  Not for anything, alright?  You feel me?  I barely survived.  It was brutal.  Bless Lucky’s little try-hard heart, she did her best to prevent harm from coming to me but there was just nothing that could have saved me.  But I’ve figured it out.  Lucky isn’t just lucky.  She’s what we will from now on refer to as a Good Luck Singularity.  That’s how she does it.  She takes everyone else’s good luck and leaves only bad luck around her.  If Lucky were to stand in a freakin’ crowd of ponies, a meteor would smash into the crowd with a Lucky-sized, Lucky-shaped hole in the middle that would spare her life.  But the worst part?  She’ll assume every bad thing happening around her is her fault and cry about it.  And as annoying as it sounds, it’s equally heartbreaking to actually watch because there is no way to convince her that she’s wrong.  Because, in all honesty, she probably isn’t.

“W-What?!” I gasped as my eyes widened in terror. “Don’t you mean ‘if you try to cast it successfully’?!”

“Nope.” She set her hoof back down and turned that demonic smile my way. “Your belligerence has worked a nerve.  It’s do-or-die time.  One.”

“C’mon!” I begged, “That’s not even fair!”

“Two.”

“Luuunaaaa~!” I whimpered with all my might, “I suck at magic!  There’s no way I’ll be able to cast it!”

My pleas fell on deaf, trollish ears. “Three.”

“Wait… This is all just your plan to watch me suffer for a week!” I shoved an accusing hoof in her face.

“Four,” she continued, a smirk slowly sliding up the left side of her face, utterly unperturbed by my hoof invading her personal space.

“AGH!  You’re EVIL!  You’re so evil, I’m going to write a song about you!” I roared in defiance.

“Five.”

“You’re an evil enchantress and you do evil dances!” I did the dance, too! “And if they look into your eyes, you’ll put them in trances!”

“Six,” she replied, undaunted.

“YOU THREW OFF MY GROOVE!” I might have been getting desperate.

“Seven.”

“Ahhh… Ahh!” This is where sincere panic began to finally settle in. “FINE!  JUST STOP COUNTING, I’LL DO IT!”

“Lenience denied.” Her voice was so calm.  So pleasant.  And @#%*ing evil. “Cast the spell.  Eight.”

“B-But!” I stared down at the book.  Patty Cake.  It was all her fault.  God damn it, I would not let her be the death of me.

“Last chance.  Give it a shot or suffer slowly at the hooves of Lucky’s aura of entropy,” she reminded me, “Nine.”

“AAAGH!!!” I reared up and slammed my hooves down around the book.  I’d seen Luna cast this spell at least twenty times over the past several days and I had yet to even toast a piece of paper.  But I was not going to spend another day chained to Lucky, much less a week.  That just wasn’t going to happen.  Period.  I would be taking a flying leap off a high diving board into an empty pool before that happened.  So this was it.  Me.  Or Patty Cake.

I won.

This was quite literally the most rewarding lesson ever.  Seriously, the laws of magic are so frick’n numerous and contradictory that only brain-tanks like Twilight Sparkle are able to memorize them all and apply them with theory alone.  I am not that intelligent.  Sure, I may have decent judgment, but that means nothing when I need to open a book and use the information within to build… Well, anything, really.  However, Luna’s old enough to know that there is more than one way to skin a cat and teach a pony for that matter.

When I first asked Luna the science behind it, she told me that I would never actually be able to keep it all straight; specifically that the academic path was beyond me.  That really irked me, to be honest.  I mean, she all but said that I was too stupid to learn magic in a traditional sense.  Instead, I would be learning the ‘artistic’ way.  I call it that because the only way she was able to make a comparison was learning how to draw.  You first start out unable to curve your lines just right and because of this, you pretty much suck at it.  But then you practice and you practice and you keep practicing and before you know it, the same hand that refused to do exactly what you told it to do is suddenly obeying you.

Anyway, back to the dreaded countdown.  Hmm.  How shall I describe this?  Well, try this on for size:  Eat four crackers without any water before, in between, or after.  And then grab a peanut butter sandwich on white bread with no jelly and cram that down as fast as you can.  You (probably) won’t choke to death (Actually, don’t try this…), but it’s going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.  Now imagine trying to do that with your brain.  It’s like seeing and hearing way too many things at once and neither covering your ears nor closing your eyes is going to help.  That’s what happened for about ten seconds straight.  I wasn’t even able to perceive what was going on around me until Luna finally tapped my shoulder with a hoof.  I startled a tad before blinking and looking at her with was likely the most dumbfounded expression I’ve ever had.

The smirk on her face grew a little bigger as I realized that I suddenly had access to everything there was to know about cooking with hay.  I didn’t ‘know it’ per se, but I could ‘open’ the book within my mind and reference everything as though I had committed a picture of every last page to memory.  If I had not been so overwhelmed I would have dropped an awesome line, like… I dunno… ‘I know Cook-Fu’ or something clever like that.

“Faith, focus, conviction and imagination.” She tapped her hoof on the ground for each word she cited (which made me think of that stupid counting donkey). “Those are the four legs upon which unicorn magic stands.  Do you understand why the spell worked this time?”

I shook my head, staring down back at the small pile of ashes that had once been a cook book.

“In the past, what were you lacking?”

I started to answer, but I instead found myself chuckling.  The magic found my lack of faith disturbing.  I guess I should be glad it didn’t attempt to choke me to death or something.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” I replied before facehoofing and giving her a nod. “Lack of faiuhth, right?”

“Exactly.  I didn’t give you time to truly contemplate just how futile this last attempt would be, so it worked,” she smiled before returning my nod with one of her own. “Congratulations.  You’ve graduated Luna’s Magic School.  And you only cried once!”

“I did not c-… Wait, what?” I tilted my head in shock. “That’s it?  We’ve only been at this… what, two weeks?”

“Yup.  That was the final test.  You passed!” she said with faux excitement before casting a silly little cap and gown on me. “I’ve never been so proud!  My first magic student graduated in record time.”

She then gasped teasingly, holding a hoof over her mouth, “My goodness!  That means you’re a prodigy!  Wow, I’m good.”

“I don’t get it!  I can’t even pick up an egg without breaking it!”

Luna suddenly glared at me before conjuring a thin wooden ruler and breaking it over my head.

“AGH!  What the hell, Luna!” I cried, rubbing the offended spot as I glared at her.

“Faith, focus, conviction, and imagination, my former pupil,” she growled before pointing at the pile of ashes yet again. “That spell was one of the most difficult spells I could have made you cast.  Not only were the effects lacking a physical display, but you had never cast a spell that affected the mind before in your entire life.  Do you know what that means?  That means you can cast anything easier than that.  You just have to have the faith.  That’s all you were lacking, my silly little grasshopper.  If that was a nine point four on a difficulty scale of one to ten, then a nine point three is well within your grasp.  And every time you say the word can’t, you are only making it harder on yourself.”

I continued to rub the newly-formed welt on the back of my head before glancing back down at the pile of ash.  Without meaning to, I began to wonder aloud.

“But what can I cast then?”

“I can’t tell you that, silly.  That would prevent you from using your imagination,” she trotted up beside me and mussed the front of my mane. “Try to stick with what you know and branch out from there.”

I poked out my bottom lip and thought on that for a bit before being struck with a random idea.

“I already do lots of fire!” I exclaimed excitedly before looking at Luna, “Watch this!  Fire-breathing pony!”

I think she facehoofed, but I wasn’t paying close attention. “No, you can’t ac-…”

And then I roared out a wave of fire that had to be at least a good twenty feet long.  My reaction?  Hop around like a maniac before squealing in delight and hugging Luna’s neck excitedly.

“I’M A PYRO PONY!” I shrieked as I continued to hop whilst remaining to be attached to the silly night pony.

“You’re a freak of nature is what you are,” she replied before covering her mouth for a yawn.  “And that’s my bedtime.  Be sure to tell Tia that you mastered magic faster than her beloved Twilight Sparkle.”

“I think I’d rather be chained to Lucky for a week,” I replied, detaching myself from her before turning to watch her depart. “Sweet dreams, Princess.”

“Don’t call me that,” she quipped as she waved a wing in farewell. “and put that bench back.”

Yeah, I stole a bench from the courtyard and dragged it to the garden because, strangely enough, the warm air combined with the shade of the trees was, without a doubt, the most comfortable place to crash.  It was stuffy as hell at night, but there was an awesome breeze during the day and one could just fall asleep standing straight up.

And no, I wasn’t going to put it back.

* * *

Well, the following night was pretty damned crazy if you ask me.  I had slept through most of the day (because my stupid phone alarm won’t wake me up unless I leave it out in the open), successfully made my first Equestrian cheese pizza (I thought Cookie was going to explode in jealousy when Celestia commented on the tastiness of it), burned a map of Canterlot into my brain for navigational purposes, and squee’d at Lyra and Bon Bon (both of whom I’ll forgive for calling the guards on me).  I hadn’t seen Luna, yet.  Not that I was crazy to butt heads with her that night.  It had been all fun and games so far, but today was the day when Luna got her turn in the education trade.  And she was not going to like being told ‘no’ when she asked some of the questions I was expecting to inevitably come up.  Still, I was going to be fat, happy, and sassy until that moment arrived.

“My little pony~!  My little pony~!  Ahhh~ Ahhh~ Ahhh~ Ahhh~!” I sang as I bounced around the Royal Canterlot Kitchen of Ponyness (Name Not Yet Official (But it will be)) . “D’ya know you’re all my very best frieeennnds~!”

Winter was fast on approach and I was high on illegal amounts of happy.  I’d been in Equestria for all of half a month and becoming homesick wasn’t even starting to possibly be a problem in the foreseeable future.  I mean, I don’t hate my life back where I’m from, but I was digging the magical world of friendship.  I had yet to get my cutie-mark, unfortunately, but that’s okay.  I had magic.  And the know-how to make tea.  And the capacity to combine the two into a practice exercise.  And the capacity to GEEK THE HELL OUT.

“Why do you sing so much?” Starlight asked me from her perch atop the new china shelf as I continued with the making of my tea by setting the teapot atop my hoof.  Much to the happiness of my inner-squee (AKA Lafter), using magic was getting easier.  I mean, I didn’t even have to try hard for it to turn red like a stove-iron.  Hot Hoof Magic~!  You are so awesome~!

Luna had given me unlimited access to the kitchen, provided I only used magic whenever I wanted to make anything.  That had really cut into my snacking for nearly ten days straight, but now I was getting pretty dang good at whippin’ those ingredients around.

“Singing is good for the soul, my violent blue friend!” I replied cheerfully as I continued steeping the bag of tea, separately using a spoon to gently stir the ever-darkening water.

“Right.” She sighed, bored as usual.

Starlight was second-in-command of the Sky Archons.  As such, she was trusted with the night as the Captain, named Storm Wing, took care of the day.  Whereas this ‘Storm Wing’ was Celestia’s go-to pony, Starlight served directly under Luna.  You would think that would mean that both Luna and Starlight would, at the very least, come to an agreement to have a professional standard to which they adhered in an effort to make working with one another a neutral experience at worst.  Such was not the case.  Fact was they couldn’t stand one another.  Both of them were intelligent, stubborn, competent, and very opinionated.  That last one wouldn’t be a problem if they shared an opinion or two.  Safe to say, they do not.  However, being that literally only one out of every fifty ponies stays up past ten at night, there isn’t a wide variety of neighbors to chillax with.  Me?  I can stay up twenty-four hours straight before losing consciousness, so I’m all over the place, any time, day or night.  And since Starlight would rather talk to anyone but Luna, she hangs around me when I’m not having magic lessons.  Even if she finds me incredibly annoying.

“You should sing!” I exclaimed as I made her a cup of her own. “One lump or two, Miss Killer?”

Starlight decided she felt like being a fussybritches. “I don’t drink tea.  Tea is for little fillies.  So is singing.  I think that makes you a little filly, No-Name.”

No-Name was pretty much my adopted moniker because nobody would give me a good pony name.  Luna tried a few ideas, but they all sucked hard enough to strip the paint off your bathroom walls.  The only reason I liked No-Name was because it was close to Anon-Pony and fairly unique.  The only pony that didn’t like it was Celestia, and even she’d slipped a few times (not that she would ever admit to it).

“Yeah, well, your face is a little filly, so let us fill it with tea and song,” I counter-grumped, putting two lumps into her cup and floating it her way. “Enjoy or suffer.  Your call.”

She grumped a bit more, glaring at the cup before reluctantly taking hold of it and snagging a sip.  I make awesome tea, okay?  It breaks your will and forces you to drink it.  It suffers no intolerance to pass.

“I’m only drinking this because I don’t like to waste,” she said with a ghost of a smile.

“You’re so noble.” I stuck my tongue out at her before moving to the closest window and lighting up with my tea in hoof. “So, Starlight, were you part of the Sky Archons when Nightmare Moon attacked Equestria last year?”

“Yes, indeed,” she answered, giving her wing a flap to create a breeze that helped to push my cigarette smoke outside.

Sky Archons, I’ve come to discover, are pretty much the pony equivalent of America’s Marines or Russian Spetsnaz.  Straight up.  They are always pegasi, and are comparable to Wonderbolts on crack.  They’ve special weather-control training that borders on the WMD scale when working in cohesion with one another.  Once, I saw them make a tornado.  It was big.  I was frightened.  I hid behind Luna.  I feel no shame.  From what I understand, not even Celestia and Luna are as combat capable as these guys.  That in mind, I just had to know one thing…

“Where were the Sky Archons when that happened?” I asked, turning a curious stare her way.

Starlight’s eyes rolled so hard that they ran the risk of popping out of her head.  Also, I exaggerate.  Seriously, though, I can tell that she did not appreciate the question, but only because of the answer.

“Sitting on our flanks in Canterlot; that’s where.” Her words were dripping with venom, as though she still felt insulted by the situation. “Princess Celestia ordered us to do nothing.”

I blinked before tilting my head to the side and taking a drag off my cigarette. “For real?”

“Mmmhmm.” she answered as she slurped the rest of her tea. “Told us that there was nothing we could do to help and that we might even make things worse.  Well, she worded it more nicely than that, of course.  But that’s the gist of what she told us.”

I whistled throughout my exhale.  If the rest of the Sky Archons had half the pride that Starlight walked with, then I could only imagine that they were pretty flank-flustered about that.

“Must have been a hard pill to swallow,” I commented flatly, not wanting to show any bias for or against Starlight’s viewpoint.

“We weren’t happy, but orders are orders,” she sighed before hopping off the shelf and giving her wings a stretch. “Ahhh~!  Not that we did so without question.  Well, mostly, anyway.”

“Mostly, eh?  I take it you guys weren’t happy about relying on a bunch of teenagers to save the day?  I mean, a lot of the obstacles that the Bearers of the Elements faced would have been a lot more easily overcome if just you were there.”

She nodded as she poured herself another cup of tea. “I still hate this stuff, just in case you forgot.”

“Right, I can see the disgust in your eyes whenever you chug it down.” I nodded with a chuckle. “So, I take it not everypony obeyed.”

“Oh, we all obeyed.  But the Captain was so angry he could’ve whipped up a hurricane on his own.  Him and Celestia weren’t far from having it out,” she said with a humorless chuckle before blinking and turning giving me a suspicious glance. “How do you know about all this, anyway?”

Oops.  Yeah, the ponies still didn’t know about the show.  I’d already unsettled Luna and Celestia with my bizarre knowledge of events, not to mention Twilight Sparkle.  Big surprise, my mouth will oftentimes move faster than my brain.  I gave a chuckle that was convincing enough to not betray my sudden nervousness as I spat out the first reasonable thing I could think of.

“Oh, um… Luna told me about it!”

“I must not have been there for that,” Luna’s voice piped in from the window I was leaning on.

“Eeep!” I shrieked at the unexpected interruption, jumping away from the window.  To my surprise, there was nothing out there.

“I thought I smelled delinquent royalty nearby,” Starlight murmured as the light in front of me twisted and warped until it took on the shape of a pony.  It eventually defined into the likeness of Luna, smirk and everything.

“Then next time, warn a guy!” I hollered at Starlight, before going to take a sip of my tea and realizing it was empty, having spilled it onto the floor when I got startled.  I looked at the puddle, then into the cup, back at the puddle, then finally at Luna.  She was trying to hold in the scornful laughter and that did wonders for helping me maintain a balanced level of chi.

It wasn’t until I put a hoof to her nose and gently pushed her out of the window that she started laughing.  Very slowly, very deliberately, I shut the window, all without ever taking my eyes off her.  That’s a good way to help communicate a copious amount of anger, you see.

“I’m sorry, we don’t accept jerks in the royal kitchen, princesses or not,” I informed her as I locked the window with a bit of magic before taking a deep breath and realizing my cigarette was still lit.  Which meant I had to open the window back up (I’m so courteous!).  I very seriously considered blowing smoke in her face, but decided against it.  Mostly due to Stoic grabbing me by the ear and pulling me away from that before I could commit.

“What do you want?” I huffed.

She inhaled to speak but Stoic decided that it would be a good idea to give her some shut-up juice first.  I agreed.  So we slammed the window shut before she could get the first syllable out.  Starlight found this to be incredibly amusing.  I don’t blame her.  If it was half as funny to her as it was to me, I’d be laughing, too.  Which isn’t to say I wasn’t, mind you.  Laughing, that is.

Luna then opened the window, took my cigarette and made it disappear.  That made me a little sad, but I saw for it the petty act that it was.  She was flankhurt.  I was amused.  And that’s the important thing here, boys and girls.  Tee-hee~!

“What I want,” she calmly stated as she leaned up on the window, setting her chin on her up-propped hoof before continuing, “is for you to tell the truth.  Because I don’t remember telling you anything about what happened at last year’s Summer Solstice.  Probably something to do with the fact that I purposefully didn’t bring that up.  I mean, who wants to talk about getting shown up by a handful of fillies and the ‘magic of friendship’, after all?”

Boy, were my cheeks red or what.  I’d been caught red hooft’d… or something.

“Ah, hell,” I sighed before facehoofing and letting my shoulders sag a bit. “Okay, fine.  Easiest way to explain this.  Err… I… uh… I wasn’t there, exactly, but um… I saw the whole thing.  Well, most of it, anyway.”

Luna’s expression remained blank and for several seconds, nothing was said.  She finally let her eyes drift over towards the Sky Archon.

“Commander Starlight, could you give us some space?”

Starlight didn’t like being dismissed, but she wasn’t about to disobey a direct order from Luna, even if they weren’t especially fond of one another.  She sighed and gave a somewhat informal bow before turning to leave.  So then we stood there.  Together.  In silence.  It was some kind of awkward, being under the scrutiny of a stuffy, mean pony princess.

“So, um,” I coughed, looking around nervously, “How’s your night?”

“Fairly boring, but I’m anticipating that it will become much more engaging quite soon,” she replied with a humorless laugh. “Walk with me, No-Name.  It’s time we had a talk.”

Ironically enough, we didn’t talk at all as we stepped back out into the Royal Canterlotian Animal Garden (Unofficial name) where the spider monkeys decided they didn’t enjoy our presence.  They decided to screech at us for the intrusion as they did every night that we showed up before midnight.  Luna threw a few pears at them to scare them off for what was probably the tenth time since I’d been here.  She’s pretty blah about animals, actually.  So unprincess.

“One day, those monkeys are going to revolt,” I ominously warned, “That will be the day when you find yourself with your back to the wall and thinking to yourself… ‘That damn human was right again!’  And then the ninja will steal your fish.  And you will be sad.”

“The surface of the sun will freeze before I let such horrific events take place,” she overdramatically stated with an overly dramatic hair flip.

She then turned to me and narrowed her eyes somewhat. “Now, the first question should be rather easily answered.  What are you so afraid to tell me?”

“Where do I start?” I chuckled before looking about the garden for the bench. “I can’t rightly tell you without telling you, but I don’t want to not try.  Hmmm, well, how about this:  Why don’t we delve into something enjoyable with a wide variety of flavors to choose from?  That way, we can slowly move into deeper and deeper waters until one of us backs out like a scared little filly.”

She mulled that over as I continued to scratch my head.  I did something with that stupid bench and for some reason, I could not remember just where I had left it.  Luna started to comment on my proposition but was infected by my distracted demeanor.

“What… are you looking for?” she began to glance about as well.  As though she would succeed in finding a bench that I was actively seeking that she was not.  Mares don’t make any sense.

“The b… Oh!”  I glanced at Luna and quickly remembered that I had hid it behind some bushes to keep her from finding it later and putting it back where she deemed was its proper place.

I pranced over to the aforementioned bush, locating the desired furniture exactly where I had left it.  I grabbed it with my teeth and began dragging it out, which almost immediately incited Luna’s ire.  

“I thought I told you to put that back where you found it.”

Apparently, Starlight wasn’t the only fussybritches today.

“Oh hush!” I growled through my clenched teeth as I finally moved the bench into a good spot.  Just on the edge of the tree cover;  Where the dew wouldn’t pile down onto a pony, but would still be brisk enough to take the edge off the warm, humid air. “I’m no citizen of Equestria.  Ya can’t boss me around, Fussyfeathers.  Besides, we need something to chill out on whilst we take care of your education.  First order of business!  Play some video games!  We’ll start on something pretty harmless and that should give you plenty of questions for me to answer for tonight.”

I sat down onto the unreasonably comfortable, wooden bench and whipped out my phone.  Luna’s irritation was overwhelmed by her eagerness to start and rather than rev up her righteous indignation motor, she instead hopped up onto the bench with me.  She peered into the phone with big turquoise eyes that wanted nothing but to see what nopony before her had ever seen.

“‘What’ games?” she tilted her head in confusion.

That’s when things got crazy.  We busted out the universal smartphone-game.  The most infuriating concept to ever grace the mobile platform:  Angry Birds.  Thank whatever divine power is out there that my phone had infinite power, because after her first red bird scream, she was hooked.  Badly.  And it was so sweet to watch her fail, too.  Because karma’s a bitch, okay?  Straight up.  Poetic justice and a half.  She couldn’t use her magic at all, and that was her biggest weakness.  Eventually, she got too frustrated, and I decided to bend my rules a little by showing her the magic of Google.  More specifically, I was showing her everything that she could learn by way of using a powerful search engine.  I did my best to keep her searching safely, not wanting her to see anything bad.

It gets worse.  I think the most shocking thing was that Luna hated cat videos.  She found them utterly lacking in substance.  She did, however, love the ‘Friendship Is Magic, Bitch’ Youtube movie.  Oh man.  She had tears rolling down her face she was laughing so hard.  If she had not been actively using the phone, I would have recorded that and put it on Youtube because I can’t stress to you just how much she loved that thing.  I mean, I was scared to death when I clicked on it.  I was able to steer her away from the actual show, but when she saw the thumbnail of Celestia cackling into a foreground of fire, she was adamant that we check it out.  I mean, I was thinking that it would offend her, but she explained afterwards how it was something of a parody of bad days.

I didn’t get it at first, but she was actually stuttering a little as though she were embarrassed by finding the levity in it.  She kept trying to explain how it was a bizarre humor that she found incredibly amusing, even if most ponies would be horrified by it.  Then it clicked.  Luna liked darker humor; especially the clever or intelligently random.  And that totally fit with the psychological profile of a person (or pony) using humor as a coping mechanism.  It was a classic side effect, really.  If you take solace in the more sinister humors, you won’t often be bothered sinister events.

Anyway, the night blew by fairly quickly.  Youtube videos have a tendency to do that, after all.  We were a good thirty-percent of the way through Red Vs. Blue when I actually nodded off.  I think I was only out for twenty minutes or so, but when I came to, I realized that Luna had taken it upon herself to do some unsupervised web surfing.  I think she must have been digging through my Youtube history because when I awoke, she was already ten minutes into the first episode of season one.  Yeah, that episode.  That season.

“I know you.  You’re the Mare in the Moon; Nightmare Moon!” Twilight Sparkle quoted through my phone.

“WOAH!” I was suddenly very awake and very panicky.  I snatched that phone out from in front of her and immediately powered it off.

She didn’t bother getting upset about me taking the phone.  She just moved straight to glaring at me askance.

“What was that?” she kept her voice level but her suspicion was certainly putting her on edge.

“Look, it’s really hard to explain.  I mean, I know it looks really strange, creepy, and downright surreal.”

“Well, why don’t you give it the old college try,” she growled, “and we’ll see just how much of an effect that’ll have on my disposition.”

Panic.  Panic.  Panic.  THOUGHT!  “Um… Well… What did it look like to you?”

“It looks like humans have somehow been watching Equestria.  Incredibly closely and have somehow managed to avoid being noticed while doing so.”

“Well, that’s… actually exactly what’s going on here,” I admitted, letting a bit of relief wash over me.  I was afraid she had jumped to a much worse conclusion. “Um… It’s not as bad as it seems, though.”

My relief must not have gone unnoticed, seeing as she also eased somewhat before speaking, “I’m listening.”

“Okay, okay.  Lemme light up, this is going to take a while,” I stated as I retrieved myself a delicious smoky treat.  I cantered over to the bench and hopped up on it, planting my butt down onto my stolen sanded furniture and lighting the cigarette with a bit of magic. “Okay, first things first:  Believe me when I say, I don’t know what the connection between our worlds is, or if there even is one.  But… This is… sorta… You know the video I just showed you the tyrant Celestia?”

“Mmmhmm.” She nodded before giving her horn a quick wave to summon up a dark cloud.

I hesitated for a few seconds.  I was caught between fabricating a lie and coming out with the truth.  Both my inner halves were at a loss for what to do, but the one thing we agreed on was that if Luna caught me in a lie, there would be beatings.  Beatings as far as the eye can see.  And I’ll be honest with you; regardless of the consequences, I kinda respect Luna too much to feed her anything but the truth.  I mean, yeah, we may habitually abuse one another, but whatever, right?  Luna has always played it straight with me as far as I know, so really there wasn’t any reason I shouldn’t do the same for her.

“That video was made by a human because he wanted to provide some entertainment for other people.  And maybe show off a bit, who knows.  And that’s… That’s sort’ve… the same thing.” I gestured out towards the entirety of Canterlot. “This world is like… Something humans watch for… Well, for entertainment.”

She arched an eyebrow would have made Spock proud. “How?”

“Hell if I know,” I replied, giving her a helpless shrug.

Well, she sure as hell didn’t like that answer! “Right.  Starlight!”

“Luna, I’m not shitting you!” I hissed, looking about frantically for the inevitable face-grinding tackle.  I’m scared of Sky Archons, okay?  They find new and inventive ways to cause you pain. “Why do you think I’m so crazy about being here!?  Because I’m living inside one of the coolest worlds I’ve ever seen!”

“You honestly expect me to believe that?” she glowered at me.  She must have thought that I was treating her as though she were an idiot.  But I can’t help the truth, right?

“Luna!  Look at this damn phone and everything I’ve been showing you!” I threw up my hooves in exasperation.  I was starting to fear that there was nothing I could do to convince her. “I could show you hundreds of pictures of just you and you’ve only appeared in the first two episodes!  Mostly as Nightmare Moon!”

Me and my big fat mouth.  Technically, I got what I wanted in that she believed me, but she got all butthurt about not being a larger character in the show.  I had to calm her down and explain the WHOLE thing, how the show was focused on the magic of friendship and how it was centered on the six Bearers of the Elements.  Then she got even more agitated when she discovered that Celestia played a significant role.  After that, I just started rubbing it in and called her ‘Princess Footnote’ which brought about the status quo of verbal sparring between us.  Luna has some of the most interesting insults that you’ll ever hear.  “Talentless, Horse-Hued Mouthbreather” was that particular day’s masterpiece.  Wow.

It took us a good while to get it all out of our systems; I mean, we were yelling at one another for a solid twenty minutes, but it was silently agreed that there wasn’t a problem here.  Or hell, maybe I was just being wishful.  It eventually got back around to the phone and hammering out an agreement.  I would trust her if she would trust me.  Specifically, I would trust her to do a little surfing on the good ol’ Motorola Atrix 4G without me breathing down her neck and in return she would trust me enough to not jump to conclusions or throw me in the dungeon.  No, I didn’t actually agree to this, Luna was actually bringing me a take-it-or-leave-it ultimatum.  Not very polite of her, but I really couldn’t blame her.  I mean, this looked really bad and for her to take me at my word was asking for a lot.

“Okay, the deal is I give you the phone during the day to mess around with until you pass out and you give me the phone during the night,” I reiterated for clarity’s sake.

“Mmmhmm.” She was so smug.  So bitchy.  Well, I was going to show her.

“You promise?  You’re not going to alter the arrangement the moment you can’t figure something out, right?  You can’t have me around to fix your problems and then send me away as soon as I got you back on track.  All or nothing, right?” I gave her a suspicious glare.

“Yes, yes.  Whatever,” she huffed before holding up a hoof. “I promise.  Princess’ honor.”

“Right.  Okay, Footnote.  You’ve got yourself a deal.” I hopped off the bench and cantered over with a smile, holding out my hoof.

And then we brohoofed to seal the deal.  I got a little dizzy from the giddiness that was surging forth within me.  Squee-ness aside, Luna had made the mistake of underestimating me.  I gave the western skies Equestria a glance and spotted the barest of pinkish glows tracing the horizon.

“Okay.  Your first obstacle will be to figure out how to unlock the phone,” I knowingly informed her as I resummoned the device.

Dat look of shock.

“What?!” she cried before immediately slapping a hoof over her face and grunting in frustration. “You mean you… I should’ve… Augh!”

She almost immediately brought herself back to a perfect level of calm after taking a deep breath and letting it out through her nose.

“Fine.  No, we’re going to work through this,” she told herself before casually brushing back her mane and holding out her hoof for the phone, “Hoof it over.”

I ‘hoofed it over’ as I let out the one hell of a yawn.  “Welp!  I’mma go lose consciousness for a few hours.  I imagine you’ll probably stay up trying to fight with the security lock for a while.  Try not to forget to set the moon before Tia gets up.”

She rolled her eyes before giving the phone a once over and letting out a dreadful sigh. “Yeah, yeah.  I should probably get that done sooner rather than later, really.”

“Yeah, go work.  Do celestial stuff.  Keep the circle of life rolling,” I yawned tiredly before cantering back over to my stolen bench and flopping down onto it.  I went to ask Luna if she could set me up a wake-up call spell or something.  I didn’t want to miss everything due to being able to sometimes sleep away entire days at a time.  When I rolled over to look at her, though, I found that she was already gone.

“Goodnight.  Morning.  Whatever,” I grunted tiredly before surrendering to the sweet, sweet embrace of slumber.

I am actually a restless sleeper.  I roll, flop, kick, tuck, tumble, and dance in my sleep; or so I’m told.  It’s not like I pay attention when I’m out like a light, right?  All I know is that I fell off that stupid bench just as the sunlight fell onto my face.  I cursed the bench for its inability to save me from such an unfair fate before grumpily fetching a Mareboro and pulling myself back onto my perch.  I began to wonder what time it was after the first drag and started to reach for my phone, only to realize that I no longer had it in my possession.  I actually started to go the irresponsible route of falling asleep with my smoke still lit before thinking about the phone and cheating Luna on the deal.  My Lafter half kinda felt like I had been an ass in that regard.  I mean, yeah, she was kinda being a bitch by twisting my arm like that, but she had also been happy enough to uphold her end of the bargain.  Stoic reminded me, though, that while it may have been pretty low, the results had been worth it.  And it wasn’t like I wasn’t going to show her lots of cool stuff during the night anyway, right?  Right.

* * *

~Of all the humans I could have chosen to represent my interests, I had to choose you!  You are, without a doubt, the most incompetent, immature, short-sighted dumbass I have ever had to deal with!~

Oh great, even Stupid Bird is here.

“Tissy, go away,” I groaned irritably.

She materialized on the rail of the bench and began yelling at volumes that were not fit for a creature her size.  I wasn’t listening to her at first.  I mean, it had been half a month since I’d heard from the damn thing and that just wasn’t long enough in my opinion.  It wasn’t until she’d said something about the consequences of my actions that I remembered the dragon-sized migraine that had been inflicted upon my innocent, if somewhat underdeveloped, brain that night on Twilight’s balcony.  There was only one fowl that would have answers concerning that.

“Hey!” I snapped as I sat up, “What the hell was that brain pain back in Ponyville?!”

“You have more important matters to attend to, you idiot!” she snapped, pointing a wing in my face and ruffling her blue feathers in frustration.

I lowered my head and narrowed my eyes as I met Tissiphone face-to-face.  I took a drag off my cigarette and exhaled through my nose, keeping my eyes locked on her.

“Tiss.  You’ve got five seconds, starting now, to explain what you did to me.  ¿Comprende?” I snarled as I leaned in a little.

“Perhaps you did not hear me the first time, you dolt,” she quipped right back, her voice and demeanor unaffected by my hostility. “But I said you have more important matters to attend to!  Such as your precious Night Princess.”

And just like that, all the hostility within me evaporated.  I quickly sat back up and blinked as I tried to think of what could possibly threaten Luna.

“What…” I started to ask.

“Why don’t you find out on your own rather than delay yourself by asking me questions,” she preempted with a roll of her birdy eyes. “I’ll come for your apology later, should you make it in time.  You might not make it even now.”

“SHIT!” I jumped up, spoiling the pure pony air with my profanity, “LUNA?!”

Well, as much as Tissy annoys the shit out of me, I wasn’t about to risk Luna coming to harm just to get the last word.  I’m only that petty when it’s me or something of mine on the line.  Jumping off my special stolen bench, I felt the panic set in as I broke off into a gallop for the entrance into the palace.  I knew the castle pretty well by now so I had no difficulty navigating my way through the vast corridors and winding staircases (Seriously, there’s not a straight staircase in the entire castle unless it’s just to elevate some part of the room - That’s stupid, by the way).  I kept shouting Luna’s name as I approached the only wing of the castle that sported indigo marble rather than the traditional black, white, and gold motifs.  As I turned down the corridor (it was more of a sliding crash, really), I saw two Sky Archons standing in front of her door.  That right there was a dead giveaway that something was wrong.  Luna hated formalities such as being guarded.

“Stop!” the female on the right shouted.  Her voice was stern and carried strength.  Her eyes, coat, tail, and mane were all silver, varying only in brilliance.  

The other was royal purple in color with a neatly cropped gold mane.  He narrowed his sky-blue eyes at me and moved to stand in my way.  I did not feel confident about trying to smash into a Sky Archon, but I’ll shamefully admit that I had sorta entered sheep mode.  See, this is what happens when I stop being funny.  I’m either too furious to think straight, or I’m panicking.

“Don’t do it, buddy,” said Mister Goldy as I closed in.

Well, all my panicky brain was able to ascertain at the moment was that Mister Goldmane and Miss Silverflank were standing in between me and someone I cared about.  Naturally, base reaction was to get said obstacle out of the way.  Ergo, I had to get them to move.  That was surprisingly easy.  Just breathe fire in front of me as I closed the gap.

“Ack!” cried the blond stallion as both he and his companion flung themselves out of the way.  I didn’t even bother with grabbing the latch on the door, I just smashed into that sucker.  I think I’d unintentionally employed some magic in knocking that thing open, because looking back, there was no way I should have been able to do that.  I mean, it had to be ten feet tall and just as thick as the library door that had blocked those guards my first night in Canterlot.

“Luna!” I gasped, rather thoroughly winded by the time I’d made it inside.  I don’t even really remember what Luna’s room looked like, I was too busy trying to locate the source of danger.  She was standing in the middle of the room, wide awake.  I was somewhat relieved until I realized she wasn’t reacting to my presence.  Instead, she was just staring at the phone.  Not just staring at it, but taking it in.  Her horn was glowing and her body was tense.  It was then I realized what she was doing.

“Luna.  Holy hell, are you doing what I think you’re doing?” My eyes widened in shock.  She couldn’t be that stupid.

And then BAM!  Tackled by Archons!  Jesus, they are some kind of strong.  I kinda just crumpled under them like tin foil as they restrained me in record time.  That isn’t very hard to do to a unicorn already on the ground, actually.  You just step on their horns and apply a little pressure, which is what Goldilocks did.  And man, that’s the ‘I Win’ button against unicorns.  I mean, holy shit, that hurts almost as much as a Roshambo.

“NO, STOP HER!” I screamed at them in pain and desperation, frantically begging them to stop Luna from making an incredibly huge mistake. “SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S DOING!”

“I have to know,” Luna murmured as her horn beginning to glow all the brighter. “I’m going to get the truth.  No matter what it takes.”

“Archons!”  My hero!  Starlight’s voice dwarfed all other commotion in the room and even distracted Luna for a moment. “What’s going on here, Silverheart?”

I could see a timid-looking Lucky hiding behind Starlight who looked like she’d just been unhappily pulled from bed to handle an immediate crisis.  She wasn’t wearing her armor or anything.

“Commander, this unicor-…” the (surprise!) silver Archon started to explain, .

“Starlight!” I pleaded, “Stop Luna, she’s about to do something incredibly dangerous!”

Hoo boy, I could already tell she wasn’t going to do it.  The conflict was there on her face and the fear was in her eyes, but when she looked at the princess, I could tell the resolve just wasn’t there.

“Commander Starlight.” Luna lifted her eyes from the book to glance at her. “I would like to be alone.  Please escort our friend to his pilfered bench in the castle gardens and make sure he stays there.”

And then defiance kicked in.  Maybe Starlight was feeling cranky and wanted to be a pain in Luna’s ass, or maybe it was the way Luna was ordering her to basically get out of the way, but whatever the case, Starlight didn’t feel like cooperating.

“Apologies, Princess, but I can’t do that in good faith,” answered the dark-blue Archon, “Lucky, go intercept the Captain, he should be getting ready to leave for First Responder Patrol with Snowfall.  Whirlwind, interrupt whatever Celestia is doing and tell her we have an emergency here.  Silverheart, don’t let him up just yet.”

Lucky and the purple Archon that I was able to determine as Whirlwind departed as quickly as they could.  I’ll admit, I was a little surprised that they did not hesitate in the slightest.

Luna shut her eyes and breathed in sharply, as though trying to force herself to remain patient. “Commander Sta-…”

“Oh, stow it, Luna!” Starlight snapped, surprising us all with her incensed attitude, “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I don’t trust either of you farther than I can buck you.  So I’m putting a hold on this until somepony with better judgment than I can decide what to do.  In essence, you don’t move; you don’t cast; you just sit there, be pretty, and be quiet.  Understand?”

Who’s a badass filly?  That would be Starlight.  Just saying.

I looked back into the room to see Luna still staring hard at the phone.  I don’t know if she had already decided not to go through with it or not, but with the situation now under control, I was able to calm down a bit.  Not to mention I was able to think a hell of a lot more clearly without Whirlwind grinding my horn into the floor.

“Please, Luna,” I murmured, turning my head to face her more. “It’s not worth it.  Yes, that device holds vast amounts of knowledge, but the price is not something you want to pay.”

Surprisingly, Starlight did not rebuke me.  Looking back, I think she was actually on my side in this ordeal, she just couldn’t outright say she was if she wanted to keep her position.  She was definitely risking it already with having yelled at a princess, but she could justify that by way of answering the call of duty.

Luna looked at me, conflict apparent in her eyes.

I sighed softly, slumping a bit. “Remember last night?  What I showed you wasn’t bad at all, right?  I know it must be frustrating for things to go so slowly, but what you’re thinking of doing could hurt you.”

“I know,” she replied, turning her gaze back to the phone, “But I have to know.  And you don’t want to show me everything.  And even if you did, there’s just no way to know for sure.  I just… I want to know now.”

Then the big guns rolled in.

“What’s wrong?” Celestia’s voice prevented me from responding right away. “What’s happened here?  Silverheart, release him at once.”

Silverheart glanced back and forth between Starlight and Celestia, uncertain if she should obey Celestia’s hasty order.

“That isn’t what I would classify ‘at once’ as, Lieutenant,” she gently pointed out, the barest hint of terseness on the edge of her voice.

Silverheart hesitated only a moment longer before hopping off of me.  I don’t blame her; even I was shocked to hear that from the Sun Princess.  Why the hell did Celestia trust me so much?  I’ve not a clue.  There’s no way anyone could convince me that Celestia was just being arbitrary or stupid.  She had her reasons, of that there’s no doubt.

“Now, No-Name.” She fixed her eyes upon mine as she spoke, “Tell me honestly.  What is happening here?”

All attention was on me and I was feeling a little nervous.  Just as I opened my mouth to begin explaining, my stupid morning alarm went off.  The same one that seems to spectacularly fail to wake me up.  Well, that pretty much dispelled all of Luna’s desire to deliberate any longer.  Before any of us could reasonably react, she reared up and slammed her hooves down as her eyes flared bright white.  My poor Motorola Atrix 4G (all six-hundred dollars of it) went up in flames as she absorbed it and everything it had access to.  The amount of magic she’d cranked out to get it done was incredible.  I mean so much was focused onto that device that it distorted the colors around it.  I know this won’t mean much to you, but I’ll try to put it into perspective by saying that a spell that literally had no display other than a bit of fire was distorting everything around it.  You could use half the power required to do that to, oh, I don’t know… power an aircraft carrier?  No, that’s not an exaggeration.

The ensuing explosion was caused by Luna failing to completely contain the following dispersion (magic still has to go somewhere after you’re done using it, after all).  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still floored she didn’t vaporize half the castle.  The fact that she was able to limit it to just knocking everypony back to the closest wall spoke volumes of just how talented she was.

Now, I don’t know precisely what happened next, but what I think happened was I got shielded from the blast by either Luna or Celestia, or hell, maybe even Tissy.  Whatever the case, wherever it came from, I was the only one that wasn’t punted away like a ragdoll.  Even Luna was knocked back through her bedroom window and my immediate (some would call it idiotic instead) reaction was to dash right after her.  I don’t even know how I was able to get there so fast, or how I was able to catch hold of her.  I just know that I did.

Now, don’t get me wrong here.  I don’t like to make a habit of defenestrating myself.  In fact, I find it downright silly, even in a cartoon world (yes, I know I considered it my first night in Canterlot – We shall avoid mentioning that ever again).  For some damn reason, though, that did not stop me from doing what I just did and now I was suddenly plummeting to the ground with a trembling Luna in my hooves.  Further stupidity compelled me to twist us around so that I take the fall.  Christ, even I can’t believe I did that.

I will never do this ever again, I whimpered inwardly just before smacking into the ground.

“Luna,” I wheezed as waves of agony wracked me from horn to tail.  It was only two or three stories, but damn did it hurt like a mother. “G… Gonna kill you… Just a… Just a heads up.”

Luna began to stutter something as she shakily rolled off of me and brought herself to a slightly unstable stand.  I groaned pitifully, not nearly as quick to get up as her thanks to her less-than-successful attempt at flight.  She continued to shake for several seconds before looking back down at me.  I started to ask her if she was okay but she had other plans that did not involve sticking around.  She suddenly broke off into an unsteady gallop towards the castle courtyard.  Out of pure determination, I somehow forced myself to get up after a frustrated whine and chase after her.  I was calling at her, but she either wasn’t listening or was just too far gone to care.  I was hoping and praying that it wasn’t the latter.

The chase didn’t last long, though.  It got as far as the main street in Canterlot before it came to an abrupt end.  Not because I caught her.  Heavens, no, it couldn’t be that easy.  Remember when Starlight told Lucky to go get some jackpony named Captain Storm Wing?  Remember also when Celestia said that only a select few of her oldest guards were combat worthy?  Remember that one electric pegasus from the show that served as Celestia’s right hand  pony by beating the everliving hell out of anything that opposed her will?  Oh, you don’t remember that last part?  No?  That’s because he wasn’t in the show!  BECAUSE THIS GUY IS TOO FREAKIN’ SCARY FOR CHILDREN!  Seriously!  We’re talking the Sword of Celestia in the form of pony!

I saw a bluish streak approach like lightning out of the corner of my eye.  I would have looked at it if I had ANY reaction time whatsoever.  Suffice it to say, I did not.  I got tackled.  It was like getting hit by a car, or so I can imagine.  Now thinking back, I’m pretty sure cars don’t hit that hard.  It wasn’t actually a tackle, even; it was more of a body check, like in hockey.  Only I didn’t fall over.  I flew over.  Into a stonemason’s building.  I stumbled out of the pony shaped dent and remembered turning to see a blurred bluish-white hoof smack right into my face.

Not sure how long I was out (THANKS TO NOT HAVING MY PHONE!), but let’s just say I didn’t need any more rest for the entire day.  I would, however, end up needing quite the band-aid.

Also, screw Captain Storm Wing. (S.C.S.W.C. - 1)

-=-

This has been a fan-written story by CardsLafter - Follow me on DeviantArt to stay up to date with TTEOAP

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My Little Pony and all characters involved are © of Hasbro and Lauren Faust

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Five - Part Two: Burning Books and Tech for Fun and Profit!

By:  CardsLafter

I would just like to say right now:  Ponies are cool.  I would like to follow that statement with another line of wisdom.  Guys, it’s not safe in Equestria.  Okay?  It’ll beat the hell out of you and giggle while you quiver like a little girl on the floor.  That’s not to say that little girls are especially good at quivering in pain; I assure you, a grown man can do a damn fine job of it, too.  What I’m saying is that it was finally starting to dawn on me that for all the frou-frou colors and all sparkly magic, Equestria has its serious side.

“What should I do with him, Princess?” said Steve Blum.  No, it wasn’t really him (LET ME GOOGLE THAT FOR ALL YOU LAZY BASTARDS!), but it sure as hell sounded like him.  Whatever pony had that voice probably had a lot of trouble making friends because it sounded extra rough and definitely unfriendly.

I opened my eyes and instantly regretted it.  Light!  BAD!  Getting bucked in the face can obviously cause some serious migraines and today was no exception.  I groaned as I slowly got to my feet, rubbing the spot where that stupid jackpony busted my chops.  I was in dungeon cell #17.  No doubt about it.  The pillow there was a little fluffier than the others.  Don’t ask how I knew that.  I went to fetch myself a cigarette as I crawled off the unprisonly soft bed and whimpered as my head throbbed a little more.  It had to be a Sky Archon.  No regular pony can lay that wicked of a beatdown in so short a time.

“I doubt he’s going to be in a cooperative mood,” I heard Celestia say from outside the cell, “I’m not feeling patient enough to spare his feelings, though.  Make him agreeable, then after that, bring him to me.”

Make me agreeable.  Yeah, that was going to happen.  Right after I beat the shit out of whatever pony cold cocked me back on the main street of Canterlot.  Oh, there would be a reckoning.  A RECKONING, I SAY!

“Yes, Princess,” he replied, “Please forgive my reckless haste.”

“I understand why you did what you did, Storm Wing,” Celestia reasoned as her voice faded away as though she were leaving. “But for one so old, I expect you to show more restraint and discretion in the future.  Is that understood?”

“Perfectly,” I heard the incredibly deep voice named Storm Wing say.

Storm Wing… Storm Wing…  Captain Storm Wing?  Oh hell.  This was the guy that Starlight answered to.  He was, from what I can surmise, the ye almighty badass of the Equestrian world.  Great googly moogly!  If he was half as intimidating as he sounded, I might not need bother trying to break out.  Yeah, and monkeys might decide to start flying out of my ass, too.

After lighting the cigarette, I snarled and locked eyes on that stupid cell door.  I knew how to pick a lock with a coca-cola can and how to jimmy a latch with a credit card, but I was feeling a little too angry for that.  I could see that there were no enchantments on the door (which made no sense… How do you prevent a caster from escaping if you use a mundane prison?) so there was one way for me to do this.  Throw fire at the metal door.  And if that doesn’t work?  Use more fire.

I sucked in a huge breath, pulling in at least a third of my cigarette along with it before blowing out a blast of flame at the door.  I held it as long as I could and was met with some results.  The entire thing was shimmering with heat and showing the barest hint of a red glow in the center.  One breath later, the barest hint turned into a noticeable spot.

“Hotter,” I told myself with an angry, excited growl.

A few breaths later failed to yield any great noticeable results.  I started to worry that I wouldn’t be able to pull it off and let out a frustrated sigh.  I looked down at the floor before remembering Luna’s words.

Faith, focus, conviction and imagination.

Right.  Right.  I couldn’t let the thought of failure enter my mind.  I could… No.  I would do this.  Then I’d go beat the friendship out of whatever pony decided to take that cheap shot at me.  Faith… Okay, got it.  Conviction?   Oh yeah, I definitely had the desire needed to frag the door.  Imagination?  Check.  Focus?  No problem; just had to calm down and get it together.  Get it together.  Get it together.

“You gonna finish the job, human, or do I have to open it for you?” Storm Wing said on the other side of the door.  The mocking edge his tone held was… Whew, as if I wasn’t irritated enough.

Well, that was all I needed to hear to get me motivated.  I looked back up at the red-hot barrier that was barring me from freedom and put everything I had into that final roar.  Out came a stream of my own personal brand of fire.  It even matched my mane.  I’m not going to sugarcoat it, kids, I was in so pissy of a mood that I didn’t even get that awesome feeling when I did something new and amazing.

I kept the punishment up for a solid five seconds and was rewarded for my heartfelt efforts.  The cell door warped and buckled before eventually crumpling in on itself as it finally turned into a small white puddle of slag.  With a fair amount of grace, I leaped the dangerous pool of molten metal and looked around to confirm that I was exactly where I thought I was.  The dungeon’s hall is pretty much what you’d expect of the rest of the castle, which was to say, immaculate, decorated, and still sporting those silly black and white tiles with gold columns marking the spaces between cells.  Seriously, who the hell is going to appreciate this stuff?  Was there a gold column and picture frame surplus?  Whatever.

Now, when I exited my cell, I was expecting to have to face off against Storm Wing.  And sure, that was gonna happen and everything.  But when I imagined Storm Wing, I couldn’t help but see this ten foot tall pegasus that eats bacon and crushes railroad spikes on his forehead when he’s bored or something.  With, like, a salt-and-pepper mane; maybe sporting a matching beard, even.  Do you know what I got?  I got a colt that could be no higher than three feet tall (seriously, I think Rainbow Dash is taller than him) that looked thin enough to break over a piece of spaghetti.  His coat was the lightest of blues, more white than anything, really.  His long, wild mane was electric blue with a few thin streaks of stark white tracing down its length.  And those corn-blue eyes of his just seemed a little too bored.

“Not enjoying your stay?” he asked sarcastically.  Yeah, that was Storm Wing.  That dainty little pegasus was the one with the super scary voice. “If you don’t like the cell I put you in, I can find you another one.”

He wore armor like Starlight’s:  Silver with a red star.  Only his came with a red trim and the rivets in the back had been left out so that the back of his mane could be interwoven into the helmet’s length and past his wings.  The only especially strange thing about his appearance was a large metal ring tied into the end of his tail.  Even with him looking totally awesome, I was just at a loss.  I didn’t really understand it that all that well, the part where a scrawny pegasus literally half my size sent me flying off into a wall like I had been made out of hay and cotton, I mean.  But rest assured, this was the jackpony.  So uh… target acquired and all that.  I started to inhale to breathe fire at the little bastard before suddenly getting a thump on my head from both of my inner halves.

Was I seriously going to attack and possibly seriously harm some little pony out of anger?  No.  No, I was not.  Stoic was telling me to get a damned grip and I had every reason to listen to him.  Just because I had the power to go burning anything in my way did not give me permission to actually go do it.  Besides, there were bigger fish to fry, as Lafter was pointing out.  Such as saving Luna.  That was paramount.  My personal vendetta was so tertiary in comparison to that.  Worse than tertiary.  Hell, what comes after tertiary?

“No, I am, in fact, not enjoying my stay in your shitty prison,” I snapped, still not calm enough to play nice just yet. “I’m willing to overlook that cheap shot in favor of helping Luna, so just take me to Celestia, Captain Short Stack.”

“That’s Captain Storm Wing, but I’ll overlook your childish mispronunciation for now,” he said, his expression bored and his tone flat. “And I’m afraid I can’t do that.  Especially with you so hot-headed right now.  We’ll go see the princess after you’ve calmed down a bit.”

I took a few steps forward before noticing that his visage wasn’t just bored, it was unresponsive.  I was entirely caught off guard by the realization.  Storm Wing wasn’t wearing a bored, half-lidded expression.  He was blind.  The corn blue iris gave it away entirely.  A scrawny, blind pony whipped my ass!  Well, there goes my self-image.  Right there, trying to pull itself to a hospital.  I don’t think he’s gonna make it, though.

“Why not?  You going to try and stop me?  Because I’m actually still agreeable enough to warn you right now, I’ve got no problems turning you into a simple clean-up job for whatever pony is out there with a broom-and-dustpan cutie mark,” I threatened.  I always did talk some serious smack-talk when I was angry.  Not necessarily cool smack-talk, mind you.  But smack-talk nonetheless.

“Mmm.  Sounds like I should cower in fear,” he murmured with a soft-chuckle.

Man, was everypony in Equestria a sardonic asshat?  I’m thinkin’ so.

“Look, I don’t want to do this, mate.” I let out a perturbed, exasperated sigh. “Just take me to Celestia and we’ll settle this later.”

“And I don’t want to disappoint Celestia,” said Storm Wing, “so we’ll go when you’re good and calm.”

Okay.  Screw Captain Storm Wing(2).  Just screw him(3).  Here I am, trying to be as nice as I c-… Fine, maybe not as nice as I can be, but damn it, I was making an effort!

“You’re seriously going to bring this to a head?” I facehoofed and sucked in a breath for patience. “Because this is your last warning.  Get out of my way before I dust you.”

“Be my guest.”

It was the smirk, guys.  It really was.  I just had to punch it right off his face.  I mean, sure, if I had just been a little more clear headed, I probably would have just cooled my hooves and defused the situation. Instead I decided I wanted a piece of that pony.  Hey, I tried to be reasonable, but noooo~!

Anyway, here’s the condensed version:  The tiny, blind pegasus won.  It wasn’t even close.  Don’t laugh, okay?  I doubt any of you could take him (In fact, I know none of you could).  Storm Wing will whip your ass so hard, so completely, and so politely that it just takes the will to fight right out of you.  Well, that and the taser hoofy thing he does.  Have you ever been tasered?  It sucks, I promise.  It makes you squeal.  Not scream, not gasp, not cry out in pain… It makes you squeal.  Specifically because every muscle in your body, throat included, tenses up as hard as it can.  It’s awful.  Just awful.  So uhhh… Yeah!  Cut to the part where I’m twitching on the ground, drooling because I’ve lost all motor control.

“Had enough?” he asked, gently nudging my prone plot with a hoof.

“I’ve never... hated a... pony before you,” I said between pained breaths, “How do you mani-... fest lightning... without unicorn... magic?”

“Highly focused weather control.  It’s not that difficult, really,” he replied before helping me off the ground and forcing me to stand back up, “Get it all out of your system?”

“Yeah.  Uncle.  Uncle.  Jesus, that’s the… last time I’ll smart off to an Archon,” I admitted, not wanting any more of this fight at all.  I’m many things, but arrogant is not really one of them.

“Oh, I’m sure it won’t be the last time,” he remarked as he held out a hoof to steady me somewhat.  “Besides, I’m sure it wouldn’t have been so easy for me if you had been more serious about the fight.”

“What?” I looked back at him, staring into his sightless blue eyes as I locked my knees to help hold me up. “I wasn’t… wasn’t holding back.”

“Yeah.  You definitely were,” he replied with a nod, closing his eyes along with his smile. “When you’re as old as I am, you find it’s quite easy to learn a lot about the pony you’re fighting.”

I rolled my eyes before summoning up my box of cigarettes and pulling one out. “How can you even see me?”

He looked somewhat shocked, as though he were not anticipating my catching onto his blindness.

“Everything in Equestria emits magic.  Even that which isn’t alive,” he elaborated with a nod, “With a bit of time and effort, you can learn to sense that.”

“Like an electric eel sensing an electromagnetic field,” I remarked, finally starting to breathe normally again. “That’s... pretty interesting actually.”

“Most ponies don’t even pick up on the fact that I am blind,” he commented with an appreciative nod, “You’re pretty quick when you’re not too angry to think.  That trick with the tail was a new one on me.”

He was trying to be nice.  Ugh.  I guess no one informed him that electrocuting someone doesn’t exactly endear them to you.  Whatever.

“For all the good it did.” I stumbled a bit before quickly recovering.  I thought the migraine sucked.  Let me tell you, when enough electricity runs through your body enough times, you will feel like you ran a marathon.  A long one.  Maybe even a marathon that consisted of multiple marathons combined.  What do they call that again?  A triathlon?  Is that right?

“Anyway, now that you’re good and calmed down, it’s time to come see the princess.”

“What?” I rubbed my latest bruise, glaring at him disapprovingly. “I’m not calm.  I’m just too… whipped to do anything about it.”

“Well, it’s not like you’re going to get away with an outburst in front of her while I’m around,” he pointed out dryly.

“So then… What, you beat the hell out of me…  Just because?” I clarified, my irritation starting to flare.

“Not necessarily,” he stated with a shrug of his wings. “I was simply doing as I was ordered.  You were feeling rather aggressive and now you’re spent.  Besides, like I said, you can learn a lot about a pony when you fight them and… Well, I can’t exactly learn from you unless I actually do just that.”

I stared at him hard as I digested his words.  He shrugged his wings a second time and I finally took note of their slightly irregular size.  They were a bit bigger than that of your average horse-fly.  I suddenly found myself wondering if it would hurt more should I decide to kick them really hard.  Damndest thing, really; I’ve no idea why I had that purely random thought.  I get those sometimes, though.  Don’t worry, I didn’t kick him (not that he wouldn’t have just dodged or something).  I instead decided a second Cigarette of Patienceness+2 was in order.

“So... … ... you just beat the hell out of me... … Just because,” I repeated, taking a loooooong drag off that cigarette.

“Sure,” he said with a chuckle.

SCREW CAPTAIN STORM WING! (S.C.S.W.C. - 4)

“You’re an ass,” I remarked before letting out a relieved sigh, the cigarette already helping me chill out, “Well, whatever, let’s go see Celestia.”

“Princess Celestia.” He reminded me before cocking his head at the door behind him. “Come with me.”

Easier said than done, I thought to myself as I moved to walk beside him.  Not that keeping up with the hard part.  No, it was the part where I simply didn’t want to whimper like a baby as I walked.  That’s the next thing that sucks about getting a veritable cornucopia of electricity forced into one’s body.  Not only are you utterly and absolutely exhausted, but when you force yourself to move, it hurts.  A lot.  Still, I sucked it up and walked alongside him.  One nice thing about the good ol’ Captain was that he walked slowly.  As we made our way to what I presume was either Celestia’s quarters or the throne room, I found myself inwardly freaking out for Luna’s sake.  You ever have something so… incredible or unbelievable happen right in front of you that you don’t fully appreciate it until you have time to actually think about it?  That was going on with me right then.

“Oh man,” I unintentionally whispered, starting to inwardly panic all over again. “Jesus, Luna, why did you… Damn it, that was so stupid.”

Storm Wing paused for only a second, glancing in my general direction if not looking directly at me.

“My Commander tells me that you’re somewhat close to Princess Luna,” he murmured softly.

I hung my head a little bit.  As much as Luna infuriated me, she was best pony.  Not that I’d ever tell her that, but yeah. “Yeah, what else did she say?”

“That you’re probably our only hope of finding the princess,” he replied, letting out a soft sigh.

Yeah.  Sure, no problem.  I’d just pop out the GPS on my phone and load up the Luna Locat- OHWAIT. “Why would you think that?”

“Because she told Starlight that you would,” he pointed out.

“She caught up with Luna?”

“The Sky Archons are the fastest fliers in all of Equestria,” he answered with a nonchalant wing-shrug (Grrr…) nonchalant, acting as though everypony knew that.

I wasn’t entirely surprised.  I mean, Sky Archons are some zippy motherbuckers, but you just gotta understand how Luna does things.  She cheats.  She’ll cast spells to negate air resistance and stuff to make it easy for her to fly faster.

“Meh, Rainbow Dash could probably smoke you.” Childish sniping?  When have I ever?

He scrunched up his face a bit, as though he were trying to think. “I’ve heard that name.”

Baffled, I was.  I guess saving Equestria from Nightmare Moon didn’t really put you on the map?  Yeah, I don’t know either.

I gave him a look as though he were from outer space.  Not that he would have been able to appreciate it.  ‘Cause, y’know… Blind, and all that.

“You’re kidding, right?” I let out a humorless laugh. “Element of Loyalty?  Helped defeat Nightmare Moon?  Won last year’s Best Young Flier Competition?”

“Oh, right.” He nodded with a smirk. “Her.”

“What do you mean, ‘Her’?!” I cried out.  Seriously, light-speed breaking ponies aren’t something you get all meh about.

He let out a soft snort before pausing us just a short distance from a pair of gargantuan white and gold doors.  The throne room, if you must know.  I’d only been in there once before and that was because I was being chased by… guards.  Le sigh.  Yes, I know, that’s so typical of me.  Go to hell.

“Compose yourself,” he ordered, giving me a stern gaze. “You’re about to appear before Princess Celestia.”

“Right, like I didn’t already know that,” I said with a roll of my eyes before pushing the door open, “Princess, your Captain of the Super Ponies could use a few sensitivity-awareness seminars!”

Goodness, I regretted that and I don’t say that lightly.  Reason being was due to seeing Celestia’s expression.  She didn’t look happy or amused.  Which is a big thing for Celestia.  She’s always smiling or laughing or consoling.  That day?  Celestia was wearing a mixture of fear, frustration, and sorrow on her face.  As if I wasn’t feeling bad enough.  I mean, I know I tried to stop Luna and everything but… Damn, all things considered this was still indirectly my fault

“Thank you for the advice.  I will take it under consideration,” she responded before looking to all the ponies on either side of the court. “Please, leave us.  Storm Wing, please fetch Starlight and an Archon of your choosing.”

A plethora of pretty little ponies vacated the court, leaving me and the princess all packed away into a spacious room all by ourselves.  Storm Wing hesitated for a just a second, taking just enough time to let me know with but a glance that I was to behave or there would be beatings in store.  I took a drag off my cigarette before suddenly remembering that I was smoking indoors.  I sighed in annoyance before letting it go.  Besides, these were stressful times and I needed to stay level-headed.

Celestia stepped from her throne and slowly walked to a large stained glass window depicting the Mane 6 zapping Nightmare Moon with the Elements of Harmony.  I started to approach before glancing at my cigarette a second time.  It didn’t take me long to decide that I could do without for the next few minutes.  With that in mind, I doused it on my tongue and tucked it behind my ear for later use.  With all the nervousness in the world, I stood beside the princess before sitting down, sighing remorsefully.  We were both silent for what felt like hours but was likely only a few minutes.  I kept trying to think of something to say.  Something nice, something funny, something comforting; eventually I settled on a simple apology.  I knew that that was going to happen one way or another, so I figured it was at least an okay place to start.

“Hey, Celestia?  I’m… I’m really s-…” I started to say before being interrupted almost immediately.

“Was it your fault?” she asked, her eyes glued to the glistening glass before her.

“What?” I lifted my head a bit.

“You tried to stop her, did you not?” she turned her head to look down at me.

I met her eyes and swallowed a bit.  When Celestia isn’t smiling, it adds a lot of weight to her demeanor.  Everything she says just seems to be so much more… emphatic.  And that’s hard to have to face, inward emotional knots notwithstanding.  I tried to give her a straight answer, but my voice cracked a little.  It was then I realized I was starting to choke a bit so I coughed to hide it as I nodded.

“Sure did!” I managed to say loudly enough to prevent the tightness in my throat from messing with me.  I let out a hoarse laugh and nodded again before continuing on. “I tried to tell her that it was stupid.  You can just ask any of the others what it was like and they’ll tell you.  I was all, ‘Luna, that is dumb!’ and she said, ‘No way, I do what I want!’ And she… she just…”

Well, everyone’s mask cracks eventually, right?  Seriously, it’s true.  No matter how good you are at holding it in, you’re going to fall apart eventually.  Because that’s what it is to be alive.  Imperfect and stuff.  Whatever the case, I couldn’t just laugh it off.  I was scared for Luna and while I did do everything I could to stop her, I failed.  No amount of logical reasoning is going to save you from feeling a modicum of responsibility because, damn it, it sucks so incredibly bad to fall short in those clutch moments.

I let my head drop again as I shut my eyes tightly.  I could feel my throat constrict itself even more and grunted a bit to help clear it up a bit.

“And she just wouldn’t listen,” I tried to say more loudly, managing only to hiss out a whisper.

I felt her large wing encircle me.  She pulled me a little closer in an effort to comfort me, which only made it harder.  The fact that Celestia felt concern over me when her baby sister was out there, somewhere, having the worst and quite possibly the last breakdown of her life… It’s so selfless that some would be cynical enough to call it inhuman.

Why she cared, I don’t know, but after a moment of silence she decided to ask, “What is your name?”

“Stephen,” I answered honestly, somehow managing to keep my tone flat and even.  I wasn’t feeling silly enough to say something stupid, if you can believe that.

“What does it mean?” she asked.

I started to tell her it didn’t mean anything until I remembered that my parents had actually had a purpose in mind when they originally named me.  My last name had changed since then, but my full name used to mean ‘Gift from God’.  Nowadays it means something entirely different and completely nonsensical.

“My old man told me it means gift.” I only bothered with the first name, not wanting to go into greater detail.

“Stephen,” she hooked the tip of her wing under my chin and lifted my gaze up until I was facing her. “Do not blame yourself for my sister’s stubborn nature.  She has always been one to do what she thinks is best, regardless of the warnings of others.”

I met Celestia’s rosy eyes and had to set my jaw to keep an emotion explosion from entering the equation.  It was that close a thing.  It really was.  And it wasn’t until she gave me a gentle smile that I finally started to cool down.  It was like the pressure inside me finally let out and I was so relieved that it had.  I did not want to start blubbering right here and now.

“I’m still sorry,” I said with a long sigh, sniffling to clear my nose up.

“Does that mean you aren’t going to try to make it right?” she asked of me.  She had that inflection in there that told me she already knew the answer.  

And she was right.

I blinked, staring at her for a few seconds before standing up and glaring stubbornly. “Hell no!”

It was exactly what I needed to hear to shake me out of my funk.  She smiled a bit more and nodded before taking her wing from around my shoulders.

“I’m glad to hear it.” She turned a bit to look over her shoulder. “Thank you for waiting patiently.”

I blinked and turned around somewhat, feeling a lot of heat surge to my cheeks when I spotted Storm Wing, Starlight, and the Archon that had been guarding Luna’s room before, Silverheart.  Storm’s expression was apprehensive whereas Starlight was giving me a small, genuine smile.  Silverheart?  Well, she looked like she was about to throw up.  Psshh… Cynics.

“Oh shit, tell me you guys haven’t been there long,” I groaned, suddenly aware of my ruined reputation.

Starlight snickered in response as Storm Wing arched an eyebrow as if to ask if I was being serious.

“We have more important things to worry about,” Celestia politely reminded me, “Now, if you please, tell us what exactly happened.  What has Luna done to herself?”

“I don’t know, precisely.” I shook my head, glancing back up at the Sun Princess. “I know what spell she cast.  It was the Knowledge Absorption spell, and the target was my smart phone.  Now, if she had just absorbed what the phone held, I don’t think we’d be having a problem.”

“But you don’t think that’s the case.” Silverheart stated.

I shook my head a second time. “Nope.  I think she got at what the phone was connected to.  The Internet.”

“And that is?” Storm was enough of a sport to provide the obvious question.

“Okay, imagine if every picture, every book, every library, school, college, government building and major business in Equestria were seamlessly connected together with magic so that, with the proper authorization, you could have any of that information your fing-… Er… Hooftips,” I explained, making sure I had everypony’s attention. “You would have… Shoot, I’ll high-ball it and say about ten percent of the information that Luna just sucked up.  Probably less.”

They all took a moment to digest that.

“Wow,” said Starlight.

“Word,” I nodded before absently rubbing the back of my neck. “So yeah.  I think she’s just pretty much overloaded herself.  How badly?  I’ve no clue, I’m not an expert on pony brains or any of y’alls physiology.  Hell, the fact that she’s talking and flying is a whole hell of a lot better than I was expecting.”

“As daunting as that sounds, the mind is able to bear much more than one would expect.” Celestia.  “And as an alicorn, Luna’s mind is meant to withstand the test of time.  While this may have been more than she could handle at once, she may only need time to rest.  Which she will have plenty of once you bring her back.”

I blinked before realizing she was most certainly talking directly to me and not to all the others as a group. “You say that as though I’ll be alone.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to anyone else,” Starlight reminded everyone with a long yawn. “She said just you.  Nopony else.  She even said nopony else would be able to find her.  So uh… It’s gotta be you, stupid.”

“Starlight.” Celestia is so cool.  I mean, all she had to do was say her name and Starlight kinda recoiled and drooped her ears a bit.  She must have put a lot of points into her ‘Motherly Browbeating’ skill or something.

Storm Wing cleared his throat, bringing attention to himself. “Anyway, you won’t be alone.  I’ll escort you until we locate her.”

“Oh, Celestia, not him,” I looked up at her imploringly. “He’s mean and flatters nopony with his foul scent.”

Celestia began to reply but Storm Wing was faster.

“Princess Celestia,” he growled, not appreciating the familiar way I addressed his Princess.  Well, that was all I needed to know.  Cross ‘Princess’ off the list for Words-In-My-Vocabulary.  We might salvage this day, yet!

“And what do you mean ‘not him’, anyway?”

“Dude.  You just beat the hell out of me.” I made a show of pointing at one of the bruises on my flank.  Amusingly enough, it happened to be right where a Cutie-Mark would be.  I’m sure someone or somepony out there finds that oddly appropriate. “So yeah, you’re up there with, like, Prince Blueblood on my personal list of Ponies-That-Suck, okay?”

Golly, that offended his delicate sensibilities.  I don’t think I could have angered him more if I’d punched his girlfriend in the face.

“Just wait until you see my bad si-…” he started to say before Celestia rose her voice, not exactly in the mood to listen to ponies verbally fighting.

“Storm Wing, be silent,” she ordered curtly, before turning on me.  She started pretty softly, but by the time she was done, she definitely did not sound so regal and pleasant, “Yes, my little human.  An escort.  You may very well be the only hope I have of saving my sister from what she has done to herself.  This is not a debate; understand that you will be protected.  I am not so impulsive to blame you for what has happened, but if you think for a moment that I am feeling patient enough to put your personal desires before the safety of Luna, then you are mistaken.  I do not enjoy making threats, but you may rest with the assurance that I will make them if I have to and I am more than capable of keeping my word.  Are we clear?”

“Crystal.” I replied immediately before flattening my ears a bit back against my head. “Sorry, I’m not… trying to be difficult.  I’ll stop.”

Celestia sighed sadly before aiming her horn at me. “This is a stressful time for all of us.  I know you only make light of everything to ease your mind, but you must treat this situation with the severity it deserves.”

With that, a gentle shower of ember-like flecks of magic rained down on me.  My initial reaction was to squeak and shy away but I suppressed the urge before I could act on it.  I expected the spell to clean me up a little, maybe freshen up my breath and put a bandaid on my still-sore derriere, but I got one better.  All the pain and bruises that covered me rapidly faded away, leaving behind a sensation of empowerment.  I felt awesome, of that there was no doubt.  I took a deep breath; so deep in fact that I realized that my chest didn’t seize up as it normally did when I tried to inhale so much at once.  I don’t know if it was a side effect of the spell or just the relief from all the pain, but whatever the case, I was ready to take on an army.  And quite possibly win!

“Wow.  I just… Holy hell, that’s the stuff!” I reared up and slammed down, snorting a bit of fire as I smiled widely. “Thumbs up, let’s do this!  You two coming, too?”

Starlight opened her mouth to speak, only to be preempted by the princess.

“Commander Starlight has not had rest since yesterday morning.  I summoned her to assist in briefing and nothing more.” Celestia glanced at the dark blue pegasus before looking to Silverheart. “Lieutenant Silverheart, please stay after.  I have a special task for you.”

“Yes, your majesty,” said Silverheart with a dutiful bow.

I could tell Starlight did not appreciate the princess telling her to go to bed, but an order was an order.  She may have been able to get away with disobeying Luna, but Celestia was irrefutably regarded as the head honcho of Equestria.

“So it’s just you and me.” Storm Wing gave me a half-threatening, half-mocking glance.  Which makes no sense.  How does he know how to look threatening if he can’t look at all?

“Joy.  Ah whatever, I’ll make the best of it.  See you guys when we get back!” I was still riding the euphoria of Celestia’s restoration.  I kid you not; I was on top of the world.  I turned and galloped out of the throne room with Storm Wing slowly cantering behind me.  I stepped back out into fresh air before grabbing my smoke from its perch behind my ear and lit it back up.

I cantered in place for a bit while Storm left to fetch the A.S.C.A.™ (Awesome Sky Carriage of Awesomeness™ – Just in case you forgot).  When he returned with it, I nearly squeed in delight at the prospect of flying again.  I managed to mostly hold it in and simply hopped aboard before rearing up on my back two legs to stretch as hard as I could with a loud groan.

“Feeling better, I see,” Storm Wing remarked before sighing as if he was about to do something he didn’t want to do. “Listen, I know you don’t like me.  You don’t have much reason to.  I just want you to know, I’m going to do everything I can to help.  Just keep me in the loop and I’ll try to stay out of the way.  I’m not stupid, I know you’re pretty much the only shot I have of bringing Luna back safely and I’m not going to let my pride screw that up.”

So now Storm Wing was suddenly trying to be an okay guy.  That didn’t sit well with me.  I hated not being friends with cool people.  And he was a badass pony so not being friends with him already sucked.  I didn’t want to like him, though.  Not yet, at least.  I wasn’t done being grumpy over his obligatory greeting-beating.  I eventually sighed and turned to face the Sky Archon.

“Look, Storm…” I began to say before suddenly being interrupted.

“Captain Storm Wing!” A haughty voice came from our left, turning my blood cold with seething rage. “I am in need of your assistance!”

“Holy hell, that better not be…” I let my sentence trailed off as I swung my vision towards the source of annoyance.

Judas on a freakin’ ho.  It was him.  Prince motherbuckin’ Blueblood.  The Gary Oak of My Little Pony.  Strutting his prissy white ass over to us as he polluted the air with an aura of self-entitled righteous indignation.  The fates had been kind to me thus far, somehow steering my path away from his lest I be overcome with the urge to smack a bitch.

“Forgive me, Prince Blueblood.” I could hear the thinly-veiled contempt in Storm’s voice.  It seems I wasn’t the only pony that loathed this waste of space. “But Princess Celestia has assigned me with a vital task and I mustn’t delay.”

Blueblood was determined to be a buttface.  I could see it in his buttface eyes.  They screamed self-entitled buttfacery.  Oh goodness, and here I was, already primed to release some frustration.  It was certainly within his best interests to not be around me with that buttfaced attitude of his.

“It won’t take but a moment, I assure you,” he pressed, stepping up to the side of the A.S.C.A.™ and hiking a hoof on it to prevent us from leaving. That was strike one. “I’m sure my dear aunt won’t sweat a few seconds of your time.

“Of course,” Storm Wing replied in the same flat tone.  He was being so patient and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t impressed.  He’s a trooper like that.  I, however, am not so fortunate to be blessed with such inner calm.

“Um.  No.  We don’t have time for this,” I scoffed before looking to Blueblood. “Look, mate, I’m not sure you understand what’s going on.  Princess Luna i-…”

Holy shit, he cut me off in the middle of my sentence.  That was strike two, which was probably represented by a vein pulsing on my forehead.

“I am not your ‘mate’, as it were,” he sniffed derisively before looking back to my short escort. “Captain, who is this… ah… Blank-Flank?”

And that would be…

“Strike three,” I muttered with a facehoof before taking back control of the conversation. “Hey uh… Storm Wing.  Quick question:  Placing me under arrest would pretty much directly conflict with the orders Celestia just gave you, right?”

Silence reigned for all of two seconds before Storm Wing responded with a simple, “Yes.”

I smiled deviously from behind my hoof.  As a brony, what I was about to do was my civic duty.  Maybe not civic, but it was pretty much an opportunity that I would regret for the rest of my life, should I let it pass.  Also, no one back home would ever forgive me, nor should they.

BAM!  I TURNED AND SLUGGED THAT ROYAL PAIN-IN-THE-ASS RIGHT IN HIS SMUG, PRICK-FACE!

“THAT’S FOR MISS RARITY, YOU HORSE’S ASS!” I shouted at him as he fell back onto his haunches, more horrified than hurt. I’m pretty sure Celestia could hear the entire thing since we weren’t all that far from the throne room.  Still, I could play coy with her later and possibly even sweet-talk my way out of retribution. “I can’t believe the Princess let you grow up to be such a complete waste of air!  You’re a disgrace to royalty of ALL races!  This is your wake-up call, jackass!  And there’s more where that came from if you need it again!”

I wanted to flip him off but I lacked the digitry required to get that done.  Instead, I just blew him a kiss and flew off with the A.S.C.A.™ so quickly that Storm Wing tumbled right off in my wake.  I didn’t even realize I was controlling the damn thing until I was long gone.  Luckily, it was just like casting a magic spell and all that it required was for me to make sure I had my four ‘magic legs’ covered.  I checked to see if Storm Wing was okay but I soon realized that I need not bother.  The guy was Captain of the Super Ponies after all and as such, he had absolutely no trouble catching up and gently landing back beside me.  Hell, I don’t think he even had to try that hard at all, really.  Keep in mind, the A.S.C.A.™ can haul more ass than an intercontinental airliner.

It felt good, flying did.  I’ve always been one for speed and the wind in my hair, so this was absolutely divine, to say the least.  My only regret?  I didn’t have my shades on me.  Which was kind of a bummer, but meh!  If that was the worst thing to ever happen to me, I’d die a happy man.

“Well, for not having been a unicorn for very long, you’ve picked up magic pretty handily, human,” Storm Wing commented as he landed beside me. “Most ponies don’t have what it takes to fly so quickly.”

I started to point out that I had a name, but really, I didn’t.  Yeah, I know I still had the human name, but to be honest, it was nothing special.  I mean, what sucks more than having a lame name?  Having a lame name that six other people share that you know personally.  Ye be crushin’ me need teh be a unique snowflake, fate!

“Luna’s a pretty good teacher, if not a cruel one,” I pointed out with a sigh before glancing back at Canterlot. “So, uh... Thanks for not throwing me under the bus back there?”

Weird thing about blind ponies and people, they’re pretty damn good at poker faces.  All he did was arch an eyebrow and I wasn’t sure if it was surprise, irritation, contemplation, or if he just had the urge to wiggle a brow muscle.  Pretty sure it wasn’t that last one.  Maybe.

“I assume you’re thanking me for not arresting you for assaulting a member of the royal family,” he confirmed before continuing, “Prince Blueblood is young and very foalish.  He doesn’t understand the weight of his responsibilities nor does he comprehend consequences of his very self-centered behavior.  I can’t say I wouldn’t have taken action against you, had I not been under conflicting orders.  But, I will... admit... Had I not been trying so hard not to laugh, I wouldn’t have fallen off back during liftoff.”

After a few seconds of silence, he subtly added, “And yes, he’s had that coming for years.”

“Damn straight!” I gave him an obligatory nod of awesome-acknowledgement. “So, to find Luna.  Okay.  That I can do.  Just gotta think.”

“Princess Luna.  And what do you mean?  You don’t know?” He sounded a tad surprised. “She said you would know where to find her, though.”

“I think she was referencing that I would know how to find her.  Not exactly where to find her,” I pointed out as I began contemplating, running a hoof over my chin.

I fetched myself a cigarette to help the thinking process run a little more smoothly.  It helped a little, but not enough to come to an immediate answer.

“I hope that doesn’t complicate things,” Storm Wing did not like the possibility of uncertainty, I could tell.

“Meh, all it means is that she’s someplace that the rest of you ponies wouldn’t typically go.  Especially if it was a place that a human wouldn’t find himself concerned with,” I clarified for him as we soared along at LUDICROUS SPEED.

It wasn’t until I heard myself say it that I figured it all out.  There was only one place that I knew of that ponies actively avoided altogether.

“Oh,” I gave a chuckle, “of course.”

“That simple, hmm?  Let’s hear it, then,” he pressed with a wing nudge at my ribs.  I’ll take the time to mention, I’m tired of other ponies having wings.  You’re probably tired of hearing about it.  I’m okay with that, too.  Not that I’ll stop anytime soon, I’m just letting you know that it doesn’t bother me that it bothers you.

“Oh, well it’s quite simple, actually.  It’s a place where the ponies won’t go for certain.  Well, not without a damn good reason, anyway,” I said with a nod. “‘Where the trees grow, the animals care for themselves and the clouds move... All on their own~!’”

“What?” He wasn’t catching onto the reference.  Poor guy never saw the show.  Not that he’d ever actually… see it.  Hee-Hee~!

“The Everfree Forest, my zappy little friend!” I smirked as I took another pull on my Mareboro. “Let’s do this!”

With that, I cranked up the speed on Celestia’s Awesome Sky Carriage of Awesomeness™.  Let me tell you, that thing could pull some G’s.  I’m pretty sure I approached Sonic Flameboom speeds back there or something.  I peeked down over the edge and started to land before Storm Wing asked what I was doing.  Turns out that the nasty, dangerous forest between Ponyville and Canterlot was actually not the Everfree Forest, but rather, it was the nasty, dangerous bog from that Feeling Pinkie Keen episode.  Derp!

* * *

Surprisingly enough, our destination was actually on the other side of Ponyville.  No big deal.  In fact, I realized that I would be needing a guide anyway, right?  Ergo a quick stop by Ponyville would not only be fun, but ultimately pragmatic!  So I decided to fly in low over the best pony town in all of Equestria in hopes of spotting one of the Mane Six.  Worst case scenario, I would be able to get a bit of guidance, as they’ve all be in the forest at least twice.  Storm Wing couldn’t actually see so I didn’t bother checking if he could lead the way.  Sure enough, as I passed over Town Square, I spotted Twilight pawing at the dirt near the crater.  You know… The one that I probably caused on my way in?  Well, Twilight seemed super duper interested in it.  I mean, she had to have brought out her half of her library and probably all of laboratory with her. No really, she could have made a sizeable bookfort out of all that stuff.

“DETOUR!” I yelled as I suddenly swung it around, throwing poor Storm Wing right off due to my rapid, unexpected turn.

I broke speed just above Twilight and laughed at the poor pegasus as he reoriented himself.  Twilight spotted us and waved a hoof with an excited smile.  I grinned back at the OP little unicorn and lowered the Carriage.

“Cute.” His visage was not a happy one.  Which, of course, made me happy in return. “Why are we stopping?”

“Phoning a friend,” I answered as I hopped off beside the purple pony. “Twilight!”

I gave her a big pony hug, to which she laughed a bit. “Hey, No-Name, it’s been a while!  Did you learn anything from Princess Luna?  And who’s your friend?”

“I learned lots!  And this stick-in-the-mud is to be ignored,” I assured her with a nod, “He’s also blind, so you can make faces at him and he won’t know!  See watch!”

I turned and stuck my tongue out at him.  Twilight had her usual reaction:  Stare at me like I was nuts.  You’d think she’d have learned by now.

“How mature.  Get your tongue back in your muzzle,” he groaned before sighing, “Look, human, I’m not wasting time.  Catch up to me at the Everfree Forest.  I’ll try and find Luna while you’re busy playing hooky with your fillyfriend.  Hopefully, by the time you’re done blowing off your responsibilities, all you’ll have to do is meet up with me and we can go straight to her.”

“Whatever you say, Stick-in-the-mud!” I called out to him, smirking as he turned around and bolted.

Literally bolted, that is.  Because when I say bolted I don’t mean he took off really fast.  I mean it was like he made like a bolt of lightning and was gone.  He also left us with a deafening thunder crack and a charred spot where he once was.  I wasn’t sure until then, but after that I felt I could safely classify him as a bigger showoff than me.

“Wow,” Twilight blinked to clear up her eyes, “Flashy.”

“Hmmm.  Yeah.  You think he’s as fast as Rainbow Dash?” I mused before remembering that I didn’t really have the luxury of wasting a bunch of time. “Actually, skip it.  Hey, Twilight, come with me to the Everfree Forest!  We’s gots us some advertureings to do!”

“What?  No, I’m still busy here!  I’ve learned a lot, though!” She pointed at her book full of notes and began to recite her findings, “As you can see, I’ve been hard at work analyzing the am-...”

Now, I can’t believe I was able to stay focused.  Really, it baffles me.  But stay focused I did.  Because whatever Twilight had to show me did very much interest me because… Well, I might actually understand a modicum of it thanks to Luna’s Brutal School of Hard Knocks on the Head.  Also, it might have shed some light on what specifically brought me to Equestria.  Still, I didn’t have time to mess around  so I opted for the best of both worlds.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Hold up,” I cut her off, giving her a bashful smile. “Twilight, could you cast a spell to create an exact copy of this book?  Like right now?  That stuffy pegasus was technically being honest; we’re on something of a time budget.”

“Oh, to read on the way?  Hmm, I guess so,” she said after a moment of contemplation, “Here, come this way.  The crater is radiating some form of magic suppressant.  It’s fascinating, though!”

We walked about twenty feet away from the crater before stopping.  She had to carry the book in her mouth, which I have to say… Twilight’s adorable when she does that.  Wait… I don’t mean to say that she looks good with things in her mouth.  I’m just… You know how they are with… Hmm, this is a hole.  I’ve dug myself into it.  Let’s just say that Twilight would make an awesome puppy if she didn’t use unicorn magic.  There, that seems safe enough, right?

After setting the book down, she smiled and began preparation for a quick spell, fetching a blank book of approximately equal size.  I didn’t understand what she was getting at right away, but it didn’t take me long to figure it out.

“Oh!” I nodded eagerly as I levitated a large sheet of paper from her raw materials to keep dust from getting in the way. “Right.  It’s easier to replicate details when you don’t have to replicate the foundation.  Duh.”

Twilight started to agree before blinking at me. “I’m… surprised you know that.”

“Yeah, Luna’s a monster of an instructor,” I muttered with a slight shudder. “Seriously.  There are actual punishments for failure.  Like, dangerous punishments.”

She did this whole jaw drop thing and started to stammer but I was ready for that, actually.  Twilight never seemed to understand that she was ten times as awesome as any other unicorn but was quick to recognize the accomplishments and accolades of others.

“Oh, don’t even, Miss Faithful Student.” I stuck my tongue out at her. “I’ve had two weeks of painful, abusive lessons.  While they’ve certainly produced results, you’ve had years of theory-practice and application.  Besides, I’d rather have Celestia for a teacher any day of the week.”

“Well, I...” She started to reply before catching on that I was spouting out information that I had no business having access to. “Wait, how do you know all that?”

I blinked before facehoofing.  Damn it, I’d done it yet again.  I let out a sigh and began to mentally abuse the part of my brain that controls my mouth for not waiting up on the rest of me.

“I’ll… I’ll explain later, Twilight.  I promise.” I groaned before rolling my eyes at my own stupidity. “I just… It’s a really long story and it’s actually part of the reason why I’m in such a rush.  So uh… If we could delay a little less.”

“Oh.  Right, sorry.”  Madame Sparkle nodded quickly before turning to the two books and placing them on the paper.  One sparkly horn later, both tomes snapped open and began to flip their pages at insane speeds, only the used book on the right seemed to be throwing specks of black ink at the empty book on the left.

“Damn!” I exclaimed.  I have to confess, I was definitely impressed at the speed and efficiency that Twilight was employing.  I almost expected her to just summon a replica from scratch, but that would have actually been quite taxing.  This was getting the same results with only a few more seconds involved and using less than a tenth of the magical muscle.

“Geez, Twilight,” I flew the newly printed book over to myself and flipped through a few pages.  A perfect copy, no doubt about it.  But then again, this is Miss Sparkle we are talking about; Celestia’s star pupil?  I mean, let me channel Trixie and just say ‘was there ever any doubt?’

“It wasn’t that impressive… was it?” she murmured modestly, blushing a tad.

“Awwww~! You are so cute when you’re humble!” I gushed at her before setting the book back down and winking slyly.

“My turn!” I exclaimed before stomping down on either side it, absorbing it like a pro as it went up in a torrent of turquoise and crimson flames.

“What are you doing?!” She gasped before seeing me tremble all over, sorting through all the information she had compiled. “What... did you do?”

We know Twilight’s smart.  I don’t think anyone knows just how smart she really is.  I’m just going to give you a quick rundown because we’ll be here all day if I touch on even half the subjects she addressed in detail.  She had notes, measurements, hypotheses (Yeah, that’s the correct way to spell the plural form.  I would know.  It was in Twilight’s notes!), results of many, many, many experiments, (I’m talking dozens) antimagic equations pertaining to a number of popular spells, a few solid theories on the effects of prolonged exposure to what she called the ‘antimagic radiating submatter henceforth known as Inmanipulon,’ the process of how the radiating dirt prevented magic (I can’t even pronounce some of these words), the interactive process between the anti-magic and magic radiation which she called ‘Manipulable Antisubdimensional-Resonance Relativity,’ possible applications concerning antimagic uses if made controllable… I’m boring you, aren’t I?  Well, I understood most of it simply because she was that thorough explaining every last detail, with little over two hundred footnotes and references to books, laws, and theories.

TL;DR - Twilight knows more about magic than anything you know about anything.  By a long shot.  Seriously, where did all those botched-spell fics even come from?  I mean, even when Twilight cast a spell to make the parasprites stop eating food, that spell technically didn’t fail!

As I tried to contend with the rush of information, I felt Twilight’s hoof rest onto my shoulder.  Patty Cake’s quaint little cookbook had been warm gelatin in comparison to the boulder of information the purple unicorn had just fed me.  After a good two minutes of staring off into Lala-Land, I simply forced my mind to think about ponies to occupy it with something else.  Luckily that seemed to work just fine and I was overjoyed to discover that just the thought of ponies made my life so much easier yet again.  It took another moment to gather my thoughts before accessing the information once more, this time choking the flow of information more fluidly.

The high points were:

1).  It was new.  Never before had such a thing as antimagic ever existed in Equestria.  In fact, several thaumaturgists (spell inventors – FYI) had been universally failing in their endeavors to create or discover this very substance or anything just like it.

2).  It seemed to have an unstable molecular structure, meaning it could become liquid, solid, gaseous or even plasma given the right set of circumstances.

3).  Given enough exposure to higher quantities, it could potentially scramble the innate magical workings of a pony and really mess them up.  Not kill them, but really harm them for a long time.  Kinda like a less-lethal pony cancer.

“Ow,” I said as my eyes rolled back into my head for a moment. “Twilight, how long have you been out here?”

“About eleven hours.  I’ve been hard at work and I’ve learned so much these past several days!” she answered with bashful smile, looking somewhat ashamed for having done so.

“You can stop being an overachiever anytime you feel like it,” I responded, giving my head a shake to clear it up a bit, “Wow, that’s pretty amazing, to be honest.  Okay, this anti-magic...”

“Inmanipulon,” Twilight corrected with a hopeful smile.

“Right, right,” I shook my head with a chuckle, “Anyway, see if you can determine the source of this stuff and I’ll see if I can’t help out later.  Or at least bask in your awesome in hopes of getting some to rub off on me.”

Twi giggled a bit before holding up a gracious hoof and setting it over her chest. “Well, I suppose I can be kind enough to allow that.”

“Goodness, you’re such a saint!” I gave her a snarky smirk before remembering I didn’t have time to cut up all day. “Oh, right!  Um, since y'all are gonna be busy, who can I hit up to help me navigate the Everfree Forest?  I’ve kinda been taking too long as it is.”

“Um, Twilight.  Excuse me, but I got everything you asked for,” I heard a quiet, familiar voice peep up behind me, “I... I’m sorry, am I interrupting?”

It wasn’t even a thought process, really.  Stoic just stepped aside as Lafter barreled right into my immediate decision making.  I instantly shrieked like a woman and turned to wrap my hooves about Fluttershy’s neck, causing her to seize up as though I had thrown cold water in her face.  I was quivering with excitement like a freakin’ maraca and to say that I was out of control was a practice in understating.

“FLUTTERSHY!!” I can’t say I even recognized my voice. “OMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSH!”

Fluttershy was shocked into dropping the basket she was carrying but thankfully did not start flailing about in panic.  Looking back, I wonder if whatever she was carrying happened to be important.  I mean, I didn’t care about the basket, nor its contents, seeing as neither of them were Fluttershy… So yeah.  Hope it wasn’t fragile or something!

“N... No-Name, you’re scaring her!” Twilight protested, quite distraught with me and my lack of respect for the pink-haired pony’s personal space.

“I’m so sorry!” I whispered fearfully, my voice becoming deadly serious.  Not that I let go of her or anything; I just stopped all the hyperactive bouncing and shaking. “Fluttershy.  I’m sorry, Fluttershy.  I apologize.  Do you accept my apology?  Accept my apology.  I will cry if you say no.”

“W-What?!” The poor confused pony gasped.  Even ‘er gashps are grasheful~!

Twilight yelled at me some more, but I was huggin’ Fluttershy so that wasn’t very important to me at the time.  I’m sure you understand.

“Don’t make me cry!  I’ll cry, Fluttershy!” I pleaded with a whimper, sounding extra ridiculous if I do say so myself.  I know, I know.  It was way too much.  But I was so very lost in the moment.  My apologies to everyone. “You don’t want me to cry do you?”

“N... N-N... N-No?” she stammered eventually.

“Then I’m sorry for scaring you,” I whined still hugging her like a champ.

“It’s... It’s... … It’s alright,” she answered, giving a hesitant laugh.

“I’mma let you go now.  Don’t run away, please.”  

I could hear the hope of salvation in her voice when she said, “I… I won’t!”

“Pinkie Promise?”

“NO-NAME!” Twilight shouted.

“Right!”  I let go of her and laid flat against the ground.  I hid my face underneath my forelegs and whimpered. “I’m sorry, but I just need Fluttershy’s help to save the princess!  You want to help save the princess, right?”

I had only just been struck with the idea that she could be my guide and to be fair, it was a genius idea.  ‘Cause, come on!  Time spent with Fluttershy!  That was like Christmas!  Only 20% co-...  Actually, that would be a really cold Christmas, so nevermind.  But still!  Chillaxin’ with the Shy was, like, the best idea ever!  Going on an adventure with her only made it MORE AWESOME!

“No-Name!  Stop that this instant!” I heard Twilight cry out at me.  I’m sorry, Twilight, No-Name is not available at the moment.  Please leave your name and number and he’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

“What?!  That’s your name?!” Fluttershy didn’t seem to trust me very much.  And here I was being so nice.

“Help me, Fluttershy Kind-Pony!  You’re my only hope!” I urged her, my voice muffled from under my hooves.  I also might have sniffled in an attempt to help the guilt tripping process along.  Shit, I’d totally forgotten about that until just now.  I think that slides me straight into the Chaotic Evil category or something.

“I give up!” Twilight finally left me alone.  See, she is a smart girl.

“O-Okay!  I’ll help!” Fluttershy promised, “J-Just don’t cry! Please!”

I somehow launched myself four feet into the air with a squeak-smile.  I would have proceeded to the part where I squee everywhere and the following clean-up (which would have taken hours) but I got distracted by that squeak.  I almost freaked out and demanded to know how that worked, but Stoic flew in with a superman cape to drop kick me back into reasonable thinking.

Luna still needs help.  Stop screwing around.  Right.  Get moving.

Poor Fluttershy looked quite frazzled, standing at the ready to dodge in case I lost control again.  I sat on my haunches and smiled happily at her before nodding, “Right.  Then we best get going.  Princess Luna needs our help.”

“R-Right now!?” She looked absolutely horrified.

“‘R-Right now!’” I mimicked with a nod, turning and hopping onto the A.S.C.A.™

“Now, now?”

“Yes, of course, ‘Now, now’!  Princess Luna won’t save herself.” I nodded enthusiastically, holding a hoof out to her. “C’mon!”

“But, uh...” Not sure why, but she still didn’t trust me!  After all we had been through!  Yeah, I know.  Shut up.

“Twilight, please tell her I’m not dangerous,” I said with a pout.  Man, looking back, even I can say I was acting pretty damn weird.

“Ugh.  Fine.  But only because you actually do need a guide.” Twilight rolled her eyes before looking to Fluttershy, “I know, Fluttershy, he’s quite bizarre, but he’s harmless.  Just don’t stand too close to him when he breathes that paper roll of his.  It smells awful.”

Smoke?  Around Fluttershy?  What kind of barbarian did she take me for?

“There you have it, my lovely pink-haired friend!” I exclaimed before hopping back onto the Carriage. “Come forth!  Let us be heroes!”

Fluttershy’s jaw dropped a bit as she tried to think of something to say before looking back at Twilight, who was already back to work at the crater.  I gave an encouraging smile, to which she sighed miserably before getting onto the carriage and sitting down beside me.

“No-Name.” I heard Twilight call out after me.

“Yes, my pretty purple pony pal?” I smiled over at her, only to grimace at the glare I got in return. “Woah.”

“If anything happens to Fluttershy, you will be held responsible.  You keep her safe,” she swore to me.  I could see fire in her eyes.  Fire that promised to burn me at any given moment.  I knew that she wasn’t giving me a warning, but rather, she was making me a promise.

After recovering from the initial shock, I smiled and nodded. “Of course, Twilight.  Trust me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I let something happen to the kindest pony in both our worlds.”

“I’m just warning y-,” she started to continue, cutting her eyes at me.

“Good heavens, look at my wrist, is that the time?  We’d best be going!” I laughed loudly before zipping off, entirely uncomfortable with being on the business end of Twilight’s horn.

Fluttershy was not used to riding, I noted, because she grabbed me in shock, to which she felt even less safe and instantly let go.  I laughed and slowed it down a bit for her, cracking my neck as I let the wind catch my mane.

“So, anyway, here’s the rundown,” I began, nodding quite seriously, “Princess Luna’s pretty unstable right now and she’s in the Everfree Forest waiting to speak to me.  I’ve never been in the Everfree Forest and since you live right on the edge of it, I figured you would know how to navigate it pretty well.”

Fluttershy stared at me for several seconds.  Apparently, my change in attitude was a little sudden for her and after thinking upon my words, she nodded timidly.

“How do you know my name?” she queried.

“It’s uh... It’s complicated,” I started, trying to think up an elaborate ruse.  I could have just said Twilight told me or something, but as I turned to look in those big, questioning turquoise eyes, I’m not sure I could have handled it if she ever found out that I lied to her, “You see, I’m not from this world.  And... I... Ah, hell.”

“What’s ‘hell?’” she asked, tilting her head cutely.

OMG BORDERLINE FLUTTERCUSSING!

“Don’t say that word, Fluttershy, it’s a bad word.” I instantly informed her, internally berating myself out for not having shown some restraint, “I have bad habits, you don’t want to mimic them.”

She looked so chastised; I don’t think I could have yelled at her and got a more intense reaction without her actually running away in tears. ”S-S-Sorry.”

“Oh... No. Nononono. Please, do not Fluttercry.  I might not survive that,” I felt weak at whatever you call a pony’s knees.  (Are they just knees?) What had I done?!

“What?” the very word seemed to confluttershy her even more, which thankfully distracted her from her sadness.

“Nothing.  Here’s the truth, Fluttershy, I come from a world where we watch... I guess they’re not just... Whatever, we watch other worlds for entertainment, pleasure, inspiration, education, and a sense of desire to relate to ourselves,” I said with a helpful smirk, “You’re pretty famous where I come from.”

“W... What?!” she looked utterly put out at the thought of being famous again.  Also, she said ‘What’ a lot, “W-Why am I famous?!”

“Because you’re the kindest, cutest, sweetest, soft-hearted pony ever,” I replied with a laugh, smiling at her. “If somepony can’t relate to you, they want to protect you, if they can’t protect you, they want to empower you.  You’re an idol.  When you faced down the dragon, you were inspiring.  When you stared down the cockatrice, you were a hero!  When you... Well, you get the idea.  In short, Fluttershy, you’re pretty awesome.  And I’m sorry about the scare back there with all the hugging and shamelessness.  You’re just that much of a positive influence on a lot of lives.  At least I didn’t pass out this time.  Rainbow Dash just caught me off guard so much.  Talk about embarrassing.”

Her eyes were about as big as baseballs as she stared at me in awe.  She eventually smiled a bit and looked down, all bashful and keyoot~!

“I guess... that... that doesn’t sound so... bad, actually,” she murmured, mostly to herself.

“Not at all,” I chuckled with a smile.

Who says I can’t make a convincing argument?

* * *

Well, the flight went pretty well.  Zoomed on over to the edge of the Everfree forest and touched down to go the rest of the way on hoof.  Why?  Well, to be perfectly honest, I don’t think Luna wanted to speak to anyone at all, myself being the sole exception.  If she saw Celestia’s personal carriage, I don’t think she would reveal herself.  Now, I’m sure there are plenty of reasons as why I should take the A.S.C.A.™, but I really didn’t want to take any chances.  Besides, the high altitude was scaring poor Fluttershy and I don’t think my conscience could have taken much of that.

The Everfree Forest looks exactly like you would expect it to, unsurprisingly.  It’s a forest.  The only odd thing about it was the terrain.  It was torn up something fierce.  There were loads of ravines and canyons.  A lot of them seemed to be cut by rivers, but many more of them seemed eerily bottomless.  Still, obstacles notwithstanding, it was pretty uneventful.  Fluttershy commented on lots of flora and fauna, warning me away from anything particularly nasty.  She was quite convinced that each of them were special and wonderful in their own way.  I mean, you know you’re dealing with the Bearer of Kindness if she can’t find one bad thing to say about spiders.  To her, spiders were ‘nice’, which was a point we had to disagree on.

“They have their place in nature just like everything else!” she protested loudly… Which is to say her voice was mostly audible.

“And their place is to suck!” I reasonably stated.  Perfect.  Logic.  “And also to be demonic vessels of terror and dismay!”

“That… That makes no sense!” She almost looked offended.  I mean, she definitely wasn’t offended; this was spiders we were talking about after all. “They make such beautiful tapestries and come in a wonderful variety of colors!”

“Your face makes no sense!” I can’t believe I said that to Fluttershy.  What is wrong with me? “Spiders are eldritch abominations and those ‘beautiful’ tapestries are meant for nothing more than to murder innocent insects!”

I would like to take this time to confirm that, yes, I was having an argument with Fluttershy.  I don’t rightly know what is wrong with me, but it’s got to be pretty freaking significant that even Fluttershy can’t put up with it.

“It… It’s not murder!” She did that adorable thing where she drops her jaw and looks utterly helpless for a second or two.  There was a quick recovery though and she came back for more. “They are carnivorous, and they have to eat like everything else!”

I flipped that metaphorical table like a beast. “Why can’t they eat each other, then?!”

“Because they are predators!” she cried in shock, as though such a suggestion were too terrible to comprehend. “And they must seek food that cannot… fight back…”

Naturally, we still made our way through the Everfree Forest while this was all going on, but I will admit that we really weren’t paying too much attention to our surroundings by this point.  Thank God a manticore didn’t jump out and eat me or something.  At least let me win the debate with Fluttershy first.

“So, they’re bullies, now!” I scoffed with a roll of my eyes. “Oh, sing more praises for the vaunted spider!”

Why was I being such a dick?!  Were spiders really that much more important than Fluttershy?!  … Hmmm.  No, I don’t think so, but it’s still a close call.  Still, I was being rather silly and Fluttershy was getting all Flustershy’d over this whole thing.  It was… somewhat trollish of me, I’ll admit.  She decided to go for the jugular, though, after several seconds of tense silence.

“You…” She started, searching for the right words to say before trying again, “You picking on them makes you just as much a bully!”

Oh gosh.  Fluttershy just one-up’d me.  There were two options.  One-up her back… Or derail this nonsense with a greater nonsense.  Since I really don’t have what it takes to insult Fluttershy directly, I had to go with the second choice.  Certain religious groups might consider choosing either option a great heresy, but there was no stopping the insanity.

I stopped and blinked several times.  Fluttershy paused right beside me and I swear, I watched her pale with the realization that her words might have hurt me.  They didn’t, I assure you.  But… If I just let her think that… For just a little while…

“I… I’m a bully?” I poked out my bottom lip and let my eyes mist over a bit.

“Oh… Oh goodness,” she stammered in horror, “I didn’t mean that!”

I am such a tool.

“I don’t even have a name, Fluttershy!” I faux-blubbered as I flopped over onto my side. “How could you be so mean?!”

“I’m so sorry, I was just… I… I…” Ermagerd!  Flutterpanicking!

I couldn’t keep it up.  Even through all the hammy bullshit, unhappy Fluttershy was killing me inside and I immediately hopped up with a sadistic chuckle.

I smiled brightly at the perplexed expression she now wore. “I’m just picking on you, Fluttershy!  Hah!  I must be a bully!”

I’ll say it again.  I am such a tool.

“You… But…” Her feathers ruffled a bit and she frowned, lowering her head somewhat. “Th-That’s not very nice, Mister No-Name.  I was worried I had hurt your feelings.”

I frowned back before cantering over and replacing my snide smirk with a genuine grin.  She hid mostly behind her hair, glancing down at the ground to avoid making eye-contact.  I didn’t know if I had crossed the line or not, but I really wasn’t going to take the chance to mess things up on making friends with Miss Shy.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” I pressed a tad, tilting my head a little to the left. “Your concern for my emotional well-being is both appreciated and cherished, my lady.  Forgive me for the harassment; you didn’t deserve it.  Totally serious.”

That smoothed things over quite a bit.  She blinked and looked up, not having fully anticipated an apology.  After a moment of quiet consideration, she allowed a small smile and fidgeted her hoof about with a nod.

“Well, I… It’s not a bother, Mister No-Name,” she murmured demurely, “It was just a joke, after all.  Right?”

I shook my head vehemently. “Not at all.  Spiders freakin’ suck!”

A troll to the end, it seems.  Still gotta get that brain-to-mouth filter installed.

“Wha…!?” she gasped in shock, “B-But!”

Thank Celestia a certain flashy pegasus decided to show up, because we were about to get into it all over again.  And yes, he lands the same way he takes off.  Like a bolt of lightning.

KRACKA-BOOM!

Well, unfortunately I had my eyes open, so not only did I squeal like a girl, but I also couldn’t see well enough to hide behind something.  Luckily Fluttershy squeaked too, so I could blame all the girly noises on her.  Unsurprisingly, Fluttershy ran to hide behind something.  I was instead surprised, however, that she chose me to hide behind.  Now I know how that feels.  I think I’m going to hide behind Fluttershy next chance I get just so that she gets a taste of her own medicine.  Seriously, who puts the comedian in harm’s way!?  That’s how they get killed!

Storm Wing was staring or sensing or whatever at Fluttershy, his expression quite plain. “Why did you bring a civilian into the Everfree Forest?”

I glanced back at Fluttershy before glaring over at the Sky Archon and pointing an accusing hoof at him. “Storm Wing!  You scared Fluttershy!  Apologize!”

He opened his mouth as though he were at a loss.  That was somewhat gratifying, I’ll admit.

“I…” he started to say before he was cut short.

“Will apologize right now!” I finished for him.  Yeah, I’m a goofball, I know.

“Ugh…” He rolled his eyes in disdain before turning somewhat to the side and sighing. “Please accept my humble apology, Miss Fluttershy.  I did not intend to frighten you.  But we are on a very important mission and the human, here, is slowing us down by bringing innocent bystanders into a highly fragile situation.”

Fluttershy’s fright was rapidly transformed into slight confusion.  She gazed at Storm Wing as though there was something she just couldn’t figure out.  She stepped out from behind me and curiously cantered up to Storm Wing, getting uncharacteristically close.  I don’t think Storm Wing liked her proximity because he leaned away before taking a few steps back.  I glanced back at the white-blue pegasus before nudging the timid, yet strangely curious mare.

“O-Oh!” she piped, suddenly remembering she had social niceties to participate in.  She glanced back at me, flattening her ears as she blushed. “I… I’m alright, you just… Frightened me… Excuse me, sir, but are you blind?”

Storm Wing went to reply, but I was too quick for him!

“He’s totally blind, Fluttershy.” I nodded enthusiastically as I began to tell a complete bullshit story complete with dramatic hoof-waving. “He lost his eyes in a selfless act that saved Princess Celestia from the Greater Archdragon.  The foul beast breathed its horrible magic breath and Storm Wing flew too close to the sun!  There were explosions everywhere, but Celestia invoked the right of deus ex machina to prevent cataclysmic damage!  And then there was a big celebration.  His bravery has preserved peace in Equestria for many years past and many years to come.”

The two pegasus ponies were silent for the whole thing and gladly responded by staring at me as though I were insane.

“True story, bro,” I said with a serious nod.

Storm Wing finally turned to face the other pegasus, sighing in exasperation as if to say I was being a burden on him somehow (which is utter nonsense, no?). “Miss Fluttershy, ignore him, please.  He’s fabricating that entirely.  Yes, I am blind and always have been.  If you’re wondering, I’m able to perceive my surroundings by sensing the magical aura that all things exude.”

“That’s… That’s ama-…” She started to say before the skies began to darken as though night were fast approaching.  We all promptly forgot about spiders and apologies and instead occupied our time gawking up at the stormy clouds swirling overhead at incredibly unnatural speeds.  That sort of thing can really interrupt a conversation bring attention to itself, after all.  Hell, it didn’t even need The Nightmare to keep us distracted from the incredibly important conversation about ponies and blindness.  Oh, right.  The Nightmare was also up there, soaring by like a big, nasty swirl of hatred… Mostly because that is exactly what it was, so big shocker there, eh?

“That was The Nightmare,” Storm Wing murmured the obvious, furrowing his brow furiously. “Were you able to see it?”

“Yeah,” I replied with a nod, “but why the hell is it here!?”

“Oh… Oh my goodness!” Fluttershy was combating her inner urge to panic like a boss. “Oh, you… you don’t think it’s after the princess, do you?”

I looked at Storm Wing, he sensed back at me and our expressions said it all.

Mother of God.

Not even a second later, Storm Wing took off in a blaze of sparkles.  Not exactly manly, but hey, he isn’t a vampire.  There was no way I was going to keep up with him, but hey, I wasn’t just going to sit down!  I took off running as fast as I could (which is to say very slowly (Fluttershy was keeping up with me (Le sigh))).

“It’s headed for the old capital!” Fluttershy squeaked alongside me as we chased after Storm Wing.  I was sort of proud of her, actually.  I totally expected her to run away at the first sign of danger, but here she was, running straight towards The Nightmare.

I blinked and gave her a hopeless glance. “The what?!”

“The ruins!” she explained (fruitlessly).

“Which ruins!?” I cried, suddenly feeling a chilly breeze blow past us both.

“The Ruins Of The Ancient Castle Of The Royal Pony Sisters,” she huffed as she galloped relentlessly.

… What a mouthful.  Wait.  I knew that name.  That was the impractically long name of the old beat up castle that held the Elements of Harmony!  Why hadn’t I thought of that at the time!?  Of course Luna was there!  That was something a brony would know and… Hell, that was the first time everyone got to see what Princess Luna looked like!  Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

We approached a large rope bridge and just as I was about to reply to Fluttershy, we found our conversation interrupted by a pegasus.  A big one.  Landed just in front of the rope bridge and remained motionless with a pair of glowing blue eyes staring us down.  Dude had to be taller than Celestia.  I kid you not, he was a beast of a pegasus, covered nose to flank in dark grey platebarding that looked as though it had seen a few years of service.  The chill in the air was definitely coming directly from him; that much was for certain.  His breath wafted out of his full-covering helmet like steam and a shroud of mist lazily drifted off of his mane and tail as though they were dry ice.  I’m not going to sugarcoat it, fillies and gentlecolts.  This pony (if you could call him that) was downright intimidating.

“Jumping Giant Pega-Ponies!  Lookit the size of that mother!” I shouted, hitting the brakes and sliding to a stop.

Fluttershy, having hid behind me again (Damn it, Shy, you’re doing it wrong!  I hide behind you!), peaked from over my shoulder and let out a fearful peep.  It wasn’t until the titanic pegasus reared up on his back hooves did he finally speak.

“Be… GONE!” He shouted, his voice somehow amplified so loudly that it all but deafened me.  One flap of his wings blew an incredibly strong gust of wind filled with sleet our way.  It… felt cold when it surged over us, but despite that, I actually didn’t feel particularly chilled by it.  I think I know why these days, but at the time, I was a little baffled.

And then Storm Wing came back like the super pony that he is!  He pragmatically soared in from behind and body checked the gargantuan equine right in the back of the head.  It sent the guy’s head forward and planted it right in the ground.  Granted, the bastard was getting back up almost instantly but he wasn’t being quick about it.  Storm landed, placing himself between us and Frosty the Road Block.

Now, as awesome as that was, I have no control over my ADD.  So rather than provide something useful or complimentary, I decided to let my filterless mouth drop some useless Trivia.

“Hey, I know that bridge!” I piped happily, as though I were being a great help (I wasn’t). “That’s where The Nightmare tried to seduce Rainbow Dash with fame!”

Storm Wing sagged a bit, as though he expected something more out of me.  I don’t know why he would do that, but I guess he had not known me for very long at the time. “That’s great. Now, if you don’t mi-…”

Fluttershy was busy panicking behind me as though she were moments away from a cardiac arrest.  She was trying to spout poetry or something, but she wasn’t very good at it.  It all came out as, “Oh my goodness!  Oh my goodness!  Oh my goodness!”

“She needs to be anywhere but here, Human.”

The impatience in Storm Wing’s voice was more than apparent.  It struck something of a note in me, reminding me I needed to stop being an idiot and start listening to Celestia.  Namely the part where I treat this situation with the severity that it actually warrants.  That would be the part where Stoic takes hold of the wheel again and Lafter goes back into the box where he would be staying for a little while.

I turned to the frightened filly behind me and fruitlessly began trying to get her attention.

“Fluttershy.”

More panic.

“Fluttershy?”

I think she was hyperventilating because she seemed to be in the middle of losing consciousness.

After the second attempt, I just grabbed her face and pulled it to face mine.“Fluttershy!  Listen up!  I need you to get back to Ponyville.  Tell Twilight to contact Princess Celestia and tell her where we are, what has happened, and bring the Elements of Harmony.  Pronto.”

She nodded before glancing to the side and looking back at Gigantor the Winged.  Just setting her eyes on him seemed to terrify her, so naturally it got worse when he began to lumber our way before picking up speed.

“VAMANOS, SEÑORITA!” I shouted, bringing her back to reality yet a second time.

Either Fluttershy can speak Spanish, or she got the idea.  Not that I care more for one result over the other, I was just glad that she started making air-tracks.

“Okay,” I turned back to Storm Wing, suppressing my own urge to freak at the sight our massive host bearing down on us. “What do we do?”

“I am going to take care of the obstacle,” Storm Wing replied, gently pawing a hoof at the ground as his fur began to glow a bit. “You are going to go after The Nightmare on the off-chance that Luna needs help.  Think you can do that?”

I glanced at Storm, then at the brutish fiend rushing our way.

“Yeah, but… Are you gonna be o-...” I started to ask.

So Storm Wing is the last pony that I’ll ever need to worry about.  Ever.  Before I even finished my sentence, he turned and took off towards Hoofy the Ice Giant.  The little guy flew right under the pegasus and rocketed into the sky.  It was like watching a puppy uppercut a human in the gut and both of them flying off into the sky.  Funny as hell if you weren’t watching it in person (pony, whatever).  Watching it firsthand?  I was flabbergasted.

“Woah.” That’s what I say when I’m at a loss.

Storm Wing broke away from his opponent (see also: victim) and yelled down at me, “Go, you idiot!”

“Derp!” I blushed for being a sheep and took off running across the bridge and into the ruins.

Now, I don’t know if you guys understand just how big those ruins really are.  Because they’re huge.  In fact, I was all but certain that they had been a full blown city at one point.  I say it that way because it was no longer even slightly useable.  Some strange calamity had taken place here, as was evidenced by the strange number of crevices and canyons that seemed to have no end to their descent and eventually found their epicenter in the heart of the city.  It was like someone had taken a massive ball peen hammer and tapped a city-sized egg with it.  More than one of the buildings had half fallen into the bottomless crevices, leaving their more fortunate halves standing with their contents exposed to the elements.  Thanks to the passage of time, the buildings that had not fallen into the strange fractures that woundthroughout the ruins were also unsuitable for any sort of use.  

The only building that was worth a damn, really, was the palace.  In the center of the withered city stood the castle itself, where all the massive canyons seemed to just perfectly taper off so as to leave the once regal building untouched by whatever catastrophe had visited itself upon the ancient city.  I don’t think anyone has to think hard to guess why I headed for that one.

Anyway, I blitzed for the entrance which was open thanks to what I can infer was The Nightmare blasting the door off its hinges on the way through.  I could hear voices coming from above, so I figured it wasn’t too late for me to show up and ruin everyone’s day.  Well, that enthusiastic thinking got shut down as I approached the atrium and found that the only way to make my way up was the bane of my life.  Goddamn stairs.  Like this day could get any worse!  I’d been picked on by Luna, beaten up by Storm Wing, had my smartphone burned, jumped out a damn window (why did I do that…) and now stairs!?  STAIRS?!  Ponies had invented turntables, but elevators were beyond them?!  Hell, a catapult would do in a pinch, really.  But I was fresh out of siege weaponry and thus had to hoof it all the way up.

So, yeah.  I toughed it out.  And by tough it out, I mean I dragged my heavy ass all the way up to the top, whimpering and bitching all the while.  It took me a few minutes, but I did it.  Not that I was worth anything by the time I got there.  In fact, by the time I pushed upon the door that led out into the palace’s peak.  It turned out to be that throne room where Nightmare Moon had smashed the Elements of Harmony.

There I found Luna, standing in front of the throne with The Nightmare in its pony form, languidly resting upon the royal plot-cushion (The technology for chairs had yet to be discovered, I guess).  The Nightmare had that stupid Cheshire smile aimed at Luna, staring down at her with a sense of superiority.  Luna, on the other hoof?  Not so hot.  Her mane was super frayed and her eyes were doing that thing where your pupils shake.  From what I understand, that’s usually caused by severe trauma of some sort.  I think we can take a few guesses as to what might have been the catalyst there.

“Oh good!” I cried, flopping over and panting like a dog. “Not too late.  That’s… That’s a relief.  Whoo~!  Ahh…”

I decided a celebratory cigarette was in order.  MmmMmm, good.

“Y-Y… You came!” Luna turned to look back at me in shock.  Stuttering?

“Me!” I wheezed as I slowly rolled onto my back, lighting my cigarette on the way.

“The Deceiver!” The Nightmare shouted angrily as it sat up on its throne-like pillow.

“The cliché!” I gasped, barely able to get the words out before taking a pull off my cigarette. “Christ… I am… so… so out of shape!”

I craned my head about a little to look at the two of them before exhaling the nicotine-filled smoke.  I kid you not, I almost passed out right there.  I thought it was from the cigarette plus sitting down after that super hard dash up all those stairs.  I imagine it’s a good thing that I didn’t.  Luna still looked fairly conflicted and I’m not sure she would have protected me.  Thankfully, I snapped my eyes back open and coughed a bit more.

“Sorry, I uhh… You alright, Luna?” I huffed in between breaths.

“D-Do I luh… look alright t-to you!?” she snapped suddenly, the anger in her voice getting across just fine.

“You look like… you’ve &%#@ed yourself up good and… good and proper, actually!” I chuckled breathlessly, “I’m kinda… surprised you’re able to… function at all.”

I started to doze off again, only to realize that A) I was not tired in the slightest and that B) I was being messed with.  And apparently I wasn’t the only one to notice, either.

“S-Stop.  I’m not d-d… duh… done talking to h-… him,” she said, glancing back at The Nightmare behind her.

I suddenly rolled back over and snarled angrily, not happy with the knowledge that I was being messed with.

“Stay out of this, Disney Villain!  I swear to God, I toasted your sorry ass once and I’ll do it again!” I snapped, hopping up to my hooves.  I pointed my horn at The Nightmare and snorted a gout of flames.

“You achieved victory through deception and nothing more!” she roared back, also taking a stand and baring her fangs at me.

“S-Shut up!  Buh… Both of you!” Luna shrieked in frustration, glancing back and forth between us.

I sat down and looked away, taking a drag off my cigarette to show that I was willing to cooperate.  The Nightmare didn’t show any signs of complacency other than keeping similarly silent.

“I… I don’t know what to th-think!  I don’t know wuh-what to do!  I just…” She trailed off and started to breathe rapidly before falling to her knees and letting out a mewling whimper.  Out of reaction alone, I started to move to her but The Nightmare shot this magical spark at the floor in front of me.

She started to warn me away. “Keep your dis-…”

One good warning deserves another, right?

“You do that again and historians are going to write small print novels about the shit I do to you, understand!?” I shouted at the top of my lungs, easily taking control of the conversation.  I do have one of the scariest yelling voices, I’m told, and it must be true because The Nightmare actually leaned away from me in shock.  Even Luna shut her eyes and winced a little, which made me feel like a complete dick.

It did, however, put The Nightmare in its place.  So with that all cleared up, I slowly cantered over to Luna and lowered my voice to a comforting murmur. “Hey… I know you’re probably not feeling great right now.”

I lowered my head to meet the princess at eye level and gave her a comforting smile.  She opened her eyes and I could see tears starting to pool up.  I could tell that she wasn’t certain whether or not she was happy to see me.

She stammered quietly as two lines of tears slipped down to her jaw line. “Why… Why not j-just… tell me the… the truth?”

I don’t know how I managed to look at her without letting my own emotional roller coaster take a dive, but I did.  Don’t ask how; all I know is that I made it happen somehow.

I sighed, putting a little extra helplessness into it. “Would you have believed me?”

She sniffled a little, continuing to stare at me before finally shaking her head.  I gave her a chuckle as if to say ‘there you have it, then.’  After another quiet moment, I dropped my gaze and half-frowned as I considered my next words.

“Look, Luna,” I started slow, taking both a seat and a drag off my cigarette. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.  I mean, I’ve had to live alongside humanity’s darker side and all that, but what you did…  The implications alone are staggering.”

“Perhaps you do not fully grasp the situation, Deceiver.” The Nightmare interjected as it stepped down the steps ascending to the throne. “To you, what has happened may seem crippling.  But this is not your world.  Events that you find depressing at worst can inspire great terror in the innocent minds of Equestria.  Even Luna, old as the night itself, could not have prepared herself for you the terror you exposed her to.”

Initially, I wanted to bite of The Nightmare’s head and tell it to go to hell.  But it spoke the truth.  I mean, it’s big news all across Equestria if somepony hurts another.  Back home?  That doesn’t even make the local news unless it’s a hate crime.  I lifted my head to meet Luna’s gaze again and was met with the same sad, soul-searching eyes.  I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came to mind.  So I sort of just sat there with my mouth open, unintentionally letting my cigarette tumble free.

“I… Luna, I…” I shut my eyes and looked down again. “I’m really, really sorry.”

“I d-did it to muh-myself,” she replied after a second or two. “Nuh… Not your f-fault.”

I started to reply before letting out a soft snort, realizing that what I was about to say was sort of… poetic, really.

“I guess if you were one to argue semantics or were looking to dodge responsibility, then yes.  It wasn’t directly my fault,” I answered her, smirking as I looked up at her again. “But the fact is… something about swords and drawing them and… Yeah, I don’t remember it exactly.”

Luna blinked before facehoofing and letting out a short snicker.  I’m not going to lie, that’s sort of the thing I live for.  When someone is down or hurting something fierce, it feels absolutely wonderful to get a genuine laugh out of them.  I smiled a bit, relaxing somewhat.  It wasn’t until The Nightmare slid along the floor to stand just behind Luna that I had to remind myself that this wasn’t over yet.  Strangely enough, the shadowy, pony-shaped… thing wasn’t even casting a shadow.  I mean, I guess it was immaterial and all, but damn it, that’s not how physics work!

“Princess, do not be taken in by his charm.  He may be kind and even genuinely earnest, but you’ve seen his world now.  You know it better than I do, even,” she pointed out softly, swinging her head in my direction and baring teeth at me. “To allow him here is to allow the ruin of your beloved land and people.”

Luna set her hoof back down, her expression hardening a bit as she met my eyes with her own.  The fear was there, of that there was no doubt.  She was honestly worried that The Nightmare was right.  Luna’s no fool, she knew The Nightmare had its own agenda, but there was also no denying that humanity coming into contact with her homeland could result in catastrophe.  Probably would, even.

“Huh-He’s d-d-done no wrong.  This is my do-do… doing and he did n-nuh… not even co… commmme here by his own volition,” Luna reasoned to The Nightmare with her eyes still locked on mine.  “I… I… I can’t… wr… wr-wruh-… wrongfully imprison him.  Or banish h-him.  I d-don’t know what to do.”

“What do you think she should do, anyway?” I asked, tilting my head and looking at The Nightmare.

“I think we should strike a bargain,” she purred, becoming formless as she slid along the floor and redefining beside me. “We should offer the princess our own suggestions and let her decide.  Regardless of the outcome, we abide.  Is that acceptable, Deceiver?”

“What?  Seriously?” I blinked, somewhat unable to believe my ears.  I looked to Luna who glanced back and forth between the two of us. “Is that okay with you?  I’ve no problem with this.”

Luna’s internal conflict was short-lived, thankfully.  Whatever choice she made, it would feel less like hers yet still give her a sense of control.  The illusion of there being no responsibility was there, even if it technically still was.  I’m sure she’d have caught onto that right away were she in a more stable state, but at the moment, she was just looking for a way out.

“Wow,” I snorted mirthfully.  Was The Nightmare really going to make it that easy?  Probably not, but I definitely had nothing to lose.  I knew Luna enough that she wasn’t going to compromise her principles for anything, even Equestria.  She’s super stubborn like that, and I’d never seen her budge.  “Sure.  Deal.  I think Luna should come back to Canterlot, get some rest, and take as much time as she feels she needs to come to a decision on what to do with me.  I trust her judgment enough to know that she’ll make the right choice, even if it’s one that I don’t agree with.”

“Clever and cowardly,” The Nightmare sneered at me before turning back the Princess of the Night. “I offer you something more than prolonged inner turmoil, Princess.  Give the human to me.”

“What?!” we both responded instantly.  I wasn’t expecting this angle.  Goodness, I sure felt like a dumbass at that moment.

“The human is a risk.  One that you do not want, but cannot, in good conscience, punish for crimes he has yet to commit,” The Nightmare offered with a fanged smile. “I’ve given you the option of removing the threat you so rightly fear by allowing an ultimatum based solely on your decision.  Should you give the human to me, I will use his body to set my affairs in order and leave Equestria exactly the way I found it.  Forever.  I know you view me as a threat as well and we can both agree that you can see the benefit of removing the two greatest threats you’ve ever known.  You are under no obligation to put the protection of this alien above the protection of Equestria and your country will be safer than ever.”

A pragmatic leader would have jumped on that without thinking about it long enough to take two breaths.  Luna snarled, shook her head and grunted in frustration.

““Thissss… This only makes it h… harder!” she hissed angrily.

She let her vision move back and forth between the two of us before settling on The Nightmare and narrowing her eyes. “What affairs do you need ‘set in order’?”

The Nightmare’s razor sharp smile lost a bit of its Cheshire edge. “That… It does not concern you.  You need only know that Equestria will not suffer for it.”

“T-Thuh… That’s not g-good enough!” she stammered furiously, “No more v-v-veils!  Ans… A-Answer me!”

The Nightmare’s turquoise eyes met Luna’s with equal fury.  For several seconds nothing was said and I was feeling some nasty tension build up in that piece.  Word.  Seriously, though, I was getting ready for a fight to break out at any second, but The Nightmare finally lowered its smoky face with a sigh.

It bitterly muttered, “I do not know.”

“Then I’m guh-going t… to make my own ch-choice!” she snapped furiously before standing up on all fours. “I can keep a-an eye on h… him j-juh… on him just fine!  B-But y… you’re uh-unstable!”

A green flickering light began to emit from the tip of Luna’s horn.  It started out barely noticeable, but as she spoke, it became more and more prevalent.

“T-This way I… I c-cuh…This way I can still eliminate both threats!” Her voice, though unsteady, still carried an uncharacteristic malice.  It wasn’t really Luna; it just didn’t feel like it, I mean.  Whatever it was, I didn’t like hearing it.  It just felt too spiteful to be coming from a pony in general, really.

Before either myself or The Nightmare could respond, the flickering magic quickly became a blinding beacon, flashing with the rapidity of a strobe light.  It made me feel cold.  And I had not noticed before then, but that was the first time I’d ever felt cold in Equestria.  The Nightmare, however, shrieked in agony and lost its form as it slithered away from the princess.

“LUNA, NO!” she shrieked in such pain that I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.  It sounded so real and… I dunno, I guess I wasn’t ready for that in Equestria. “PLEASE!”

“Y-You dare to… To call yourself a threat to my kingdom!?” There was a bit of mania in Luna’s eyes as she slowly chased The Nightmare, driving it step-by-step to the closest wall and pinning it there in a pool of indigo shadows and mist. “And then seek to tw-twist my wing i-into persecuting the innocent!?”

It cried a moment longer before seeming to flatten as though going limp.  I was so caught unawares by everything taking place that I didn’t even react beyond just gawking with a slack jaw.

“L-Look at you, Luna…” The Nightmare’s haunting voice managed to whisper weakly. “You’re… becoming one of them… He’s c… corrupted you and he didn’t even try.”

“A p-poor choice f… for last words,” Luna snarled haltingly, “I hope y-you… you have something m-more profound t-to… to say before the end.”

“Ummm.”  That was me finally adding my two cents.  What?!  I was a little dumbfounded by what was happening at the moment!

“L-Luna, you musn’t!  I am not… yet finished!  S… Spare me, I… I beg of you, Princess,” it whimpered, its loud and powerful voice now squelched to a pitiful, weak mewling.

Luna said nothing in return.  She simply continued to step closer and closer as The Nightmare’s cries of pain diminished to childlike sobbing.  I’m not going to lie, it was harrowing.  And some part of me didn’t want to see it happen.  Though, now that I consider it, it was probably all of me.  Maybe Luna was right to try to snuff out The Nightmare.  Maybe she was just finding a convenient target for her frustrations.  Whatever the case, I caved to my gut instinct and dashed to intervene.  So focused on The Nightmare was she that she had made herself unprepared for any interruption.  I don’t know how close a call it had been, but I’m betting that I didn’t have a lot of wiggle room.  Regardless, my tackle had been in time to spare The Nightmare’s life.

“Get out of here!” I yelled at The Nightmare as I held Luna down.

Luna was so shocked that her spell immediately lost its focus and winked out.  The Nightmare hesitated the briefest of seconds before regaining a bit of her volume and swiftly swirling out the window.  As soon as it was out of sight, I let the princess up and prepared myself for a pony-sized beating.

“What huh-have you done?!” she shrieked through her teeth as she got to all fours and, no lie, decked me in the face so hard that I stumbled back over my hind-legs.

I fell on my back and saw stars.  Well, more like silvery sparkly things that let you know you are moments away from losing consciousness if you don’t stop doing whatever it is you are doing.  That vaguely translated into ‘Stop letting Luna hoof you in the face – it is bad for you.’  Which made perfect sense, but there was just no way I was going to get it together enough actually do that within the next few seconds.

She pounced on me, holding me down with one foreleg as she lifted another hoof for a good old fashioned face-stomping.  I don’t know exactly why, but she hesitated long enough for me to actually react.

Now, I’ve been in a few situations like this before, specifically the part where I don’t want to actually hurt my attacker.  Best way to solve them?  The power of hugs!  Really, it’s not as stupid as you might think.  When you’re the larger of the two, you’ll find it quite easy to literally wrap your arms around the other person.  This robs them of swinging leverage and will often (not always, mind you) drain them of the will to hurt you.  Don’t rely on that completely, because pinching and biting is still a thing, but it’s often still a good first resort.  Don’t ask how I know these things, okay?

So yeah.  I literally grabbed hold of her and just kept her from getting an angle to get a good, hard hit in.  It really made her angrier for a few seconds and I was actually starting to wonder if I was going about this the wrong way.  She was snarling and growling like an animal, trying to wiggle away from me.  I was kinda freaking out; I won’t lie.  Just as I was about to let her go and roll away, she began to chill out.  When I say chill out, I don’t mean relax; I mean she went from furiously struggling to half-heartedly pushing.  Eventually, even that tapered away and all her snarling degenerated into quiet simpering.  When she finally ran herself out of steam, she just went limp and pressed the side of her face into my neck.  She didn’t make any noise, but she did give out the erratic shudder every other second.

I was a little confused at first until I felt my fur touching her face start to dampen.  She was crying on me.

“Luna?  Yo, it’ll be okay,” I broke the silence as I slowly began loosening my hold around her. “It’s fine now.”

“It’s not fuh-fine!” she suddenly hollered, breaking down into a sob, “What h-have I duh... What have I done to myself!?”

My usual reaction when I see others cry is to cry right back, right?  This was no exception.  Well, it sort of was, actually.  I didn’t actually start bawling right there with her, but I was definitely leaking out the eyeballs a little bit.

“I j-just h... hit you.  And I wuh… I was g-going to keep hitting you,” she sputtered dismally, her tears starting to really soak my neck.  Her stammering was bad enough without her crying, but I was still able to figure out what she was saying.

I inhaled deeply, swallowing the lump in my throat before letting out my breath. “No worries, okay?  It’s… It’s okay now.”

“Sssstop saying that!” she snapped between her rapid gasping, “I... I n-never hit any... anypony before!  N-Not like… Not like t-that!  And I... I almost k... k...”

“Hey.  Get up.”  I gently ordered.  Much to my relief, she obeyed and slowly pushed herself up, settling back onto her hindquarters.  I followed suit and lifted her chin with my hoof so that she’d look at me. “You screwed up.  I’m not saying you didn’t.  I’m saying it’s okay that you did.  And I’ll live.  If the worst thing about this is that I got smacked around a bit, I think I’m gonna call that a win for the day, right?  You didn’t kill The Nightmare, you didn’t pummel me into submission, and you haven’t gone crazy.  Crazier, I mean.”

It took her a moment to absorb the fact that I’d just taken a shot at her.  When she picked up on it, though, all she could do was roll her eyes and let out a half-sob, half-laugh as I wiped her tears away with my hoof.  Also, hooves are known for their absorbent properties.  Wait.  No, that’s anything but hooves.  Oh well, it worked and I’m not gonna question it.

“Y-Yuh... You are s... so s-stupid,” she finally muttered.

“God, if I only had a dollar every time I heard that,” I reminisced, smirking at her.

Luna eventually looked back down for a moment and sniffled for a few seconds before wiping at her nose.

“What was it like?” I asked, having no doubt that she would get what I was referencing. “Or are you okay to talk about it?”

She nodded a bit before taking a deep, steadying breath and letting it out of her nose.

“Too much,” she answered after a moment of contemplation, “I’m thou-... t-tens of thousands of years old.  Hundreds of t... thousands c-couldn’t have prepared me.  I... It was like reading a billion books at once... In a t... thousand d... d-different languages.  I wa... wasn’t even... Ugh... I h-hate s... stuttering!”

“It’s kinda cute, actually.” I stuck my tongue out at her.

Well, she didn’t agree with me.  And rather than be civil and tell me that she disagreed, she instead decided to hoof me right in the shoulder.  Unsurprisingly, Luna’s stronger than your average pony, but that didn’t keep me from yukking it up as I fell onto my back.  Celestia’s healing spell, while awesome, was all for nothing it had seemed.

“Y... You’re s... so happy!” she huffed, turning away from me as I sat back up with a chuckle, “How... How i-is that p... p... possible?  Y-You come from a mmmuh… mmm-miserable place!”

“Luna, my silly filly,” I said as I pulled out another cigarette and rolled myself upright, “Where I come from, bad things happen.  All the time.  Ya can’t let it get to you.  It’s how good people just stop caring.  They die on the inside.  But you don’t have to let it get to you.  No matter how shitty things get, it will get better.  It may seem like it won’t, but it will.”

Luna coughed a bit, clearing up the last of her sniffles as she glared at me out of the corner of her eyes, “I s... still think y-you’re stupid.  Nameless jerk.”

“Yeah, well.” I nodded in consensus before lighting up. “I’m still the coolest human you’ve ever met.”

“That cuts buh… cuts both ways, you kn-know.” She rolled her eyes, not able to keep herself from smirking.  It faded off her visage after a moment as she turned back to me. “That’s really h-how you f-face it.  Juh-just... block out the bad stuff?”

“More or less.” I gave a shrug, which took a lot more effort than I wanted to expend, “I mean, saying it makes it sound like it’s easy.  It isn’t.  You still have to take the bad with the good.  But just remember that you are always the one in control.  You can’t ignore it like it isn’t there; you’ll have to face it.  But you can face it and remind yourself that you can learn from this.  Tragedy is the result of a problem and problems can be prevented when you see them coming.  And you’re smart, Luna, so yeah, I’m confident that you’ll be okay.  And, y’know… You got lots of ponies that are here for ya.”

“S... simple as that,” she scoffed, shaking her head as if to say I was crazy.  Like so very many ponies before her.

“Eh... It’s slightly more nuanced than that, I admit.” I took a drag off the Mareboro and made a ‘so-so’ motion with my hoof. “But it does get easier with time.”

“Like a mental immune system, almost,” she said with a determined sigh.

“Sort of.  Maybe more like a firewall?  No matter what comes in, only the right stuff gets through?” I just meant it as a joke, but it seemed to strike a chord within her.

She blinked a few times, as though she were thinking about the word.  She finally let out a soft, mirthful snort before smiling a bit. “Yeah.  Like a firewall.  Stupid things cause more problems than they solve, but they really help with the important stuff.”

“Don’t get me started,” I said with a sardonic roll of the eyes. “They’re, like, necessary and all that, but damn.  Sometimes they just make me want to rip my hair out.”

“Oh, I can… I can relate,” she replied with a laugh.  Standing up, she tossed a wink my way before slowly cantering for the exit. “Let’s go h-hom… home.  Firewall.”

Firewall? I thought to myself.  Then it hit me.  I was all, Oh.  Oh! … … Ohhhhh…

-=-

This has been a fan-written story by CardsLafter - Follow me on DeviantArt to stay up to date with TTEOAP

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My Little Pony and all characters involved are © of Hasbro and Lauren Faust

Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

Chapter Six: Pony Science, Pony Pancakes, Pony Ponies... Pony.

By:  CardsLafter

“So, I just gotta ask.  Not that I’m upset; just curious about it,” I half chuckled as we walked out of… (I’m inhaling for obvious reasons) The Ruins of the Ancient Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. “Why Firewall?  Why not… Oh… I dunno… Anon-Pony?”

“You’ll f-figure it ow… out one day when you’re older,” Luna huffed, blowing her hair out of her face before glancing about. “Did… D-Did you ruh… Did you really come alone?”

“Nah, I was escorted by St-…” I started to say before realizing that Storm may very well still have been slugging it out with Gigantor outside. “OH SHIT!”

“Isn’t that w-word profane?” she asked me.

I didn’t bother gracing her question with an answer.  I’m sassy like that.  I instead decided to blitz off the way I came and started cussing furiously down every single stair.  It took me a couple of minutes but when I made it back to the ground floor, I was already half-winded.  Still, Storm Wing might be in danger so I wasn’t going to let it bother me.  Not at the moment anyway.  Trust me, I was prepared to bite someone/pony if I got there and everything was okay.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, everything was indeed okay.  Well, half-okay, at least.  When I got there, Storm Wing was quite literally frozen from his… pony knees (I think they call them hocks?) down in one big block of ice.  And he didn’t look happy about it.  Luna was already there with her horn pointed at the melting ice, which was somewhat perturbing seeing as I took off before her.

By the time I finally got within earshot of them, I was quite thoroughly winded but not so much that I couldn’t sass it up a bit.

“Wait, Storm Wing, I’m here to save you!” I cried out between ragged breaths before cantering to a breathless stop. “Awww, Luna… Well, as you can see, you are now safe and may begin lavishing your gratitude upon me.”

Luna snorted a bit, disrupting her spell as she slapped a hoof over her face.

Storm Wing slowly turned his head to face me.  At first I thought he was going to scream in anger for not being able to smack me in the face, but he decided to be a good sport and sarcasm’d me right back. “Thank Celestia you were here.”

“I know, right?!” I cried out in false-anger, “You need… You need to be more careful; I might not be there next time!”

Luna’s laughter grew louder as our nonsense continued. “S-Shut up, both of yuh… yuh… Jus-suh… just hush!”

“Yeah, Storm!  Just chill out already!” I started a terrible... terrible trend.

They both took the time to turn their heads my way as though they couldn’t believe I just crossed that line.

“I mean, I always knew you were a pretty cool guy and all!” I continued.

They were stunned.   I think this could be considered mental battery or something.

“But you just need to cool your heels!” Nope.  No shame whatsoever.

“He’s not going to stop,” Storm Wing wisely observed.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, though!  Everypony gets cold feet now and then!” Oh hell.  It hurts to just recall all of this.

“No.  H-He isn’t,” Luna confirmed.

“But it’s okay!  While you were out here playing Freeze tag with the abominable snow pony.” I’m not even winded. “I saved the princess.”

“Princess Luna.” I had to force myself to not laugh at the way Storm Wing’s eyes rolled back into his head. “I humbly request that you kill one of us.  Him or me.  At this point, I do not care which.”

“That’s just cold-hearted!” I gasped in faux-horror, “Murder isn’t the best way to break the ice!”

“Oh gosh,” Luna began to crack, unable to keep herself from snickering at the inanity (or insanity, take your pick) of it all. “Why doesn’t he have an off switch?”

“Hey, don’t take it that way.  You just need to learn to stay frosty!  Besides, everypony knows that revenge is a dish best served cold!”

… … … I’m not apologizing.

Despite being rather amused by the tornado of cold puns, Luna had finally had enough and conjured a muzzle on me.  That was the end of that.  And just in time, too!  I was running out of ridiculously bad jokes!  After a bit of whining, I wordlessly vowed to knock off the somewhat improper silliness and help Luna thaw out the poor Archon.  He was quite miffed at the better having been gotten of him, but that was mostly dispelled when he discovered that the mission had been a success and Luna had been safely procured.  He kept going on about some force that he could not see (yes, we laughed at him for using those exact words) getting the drop on him.  I was mostly just glad everything was okay, hence I wasn’t paying him full attention.  Seeing as magic takes a fair amount of focus and I suck at multi-tasking, I don’t think that should come to anyone as a surprise.  I do remember him saying something about being unable to see (one day he’ll learn to not make those comments in front of the two trolliest ponies in Equestria) as though all the magic everywhere had just disappeared.

So ponies!  Which then led to us heading back for the edge of the Everfree forest where the Awesome Sky Carriage of Awesomeness™ was lying in wait.  The two of them made fun of me and my winglessness, whining and bitching about how I was holding things up.  And quite frankly, that hurt my feelings.  Right up until Luna tried tickling my nose with her feathery appendage.  Oh, she regrets that.  Because I bit it.  And I didn’t let go.  Naturally the situation escalated and Storm Wing tried to pull me off but that wasn’t going to happen.  So just… just try to picture this going on, because I can only imagine how silly it looked.

“What ah-… What are you!?  A… A yearling!?  S-Storm get huh… h-him off me!”  Luna half-gasped, half-shrieked, half-laughed, half-stuttered.

“Submit!” I snarled through my teeth, holding fast to her wing as I glared at her.  She couldn’t actually turn to kick me, so she was pretty much at my mercy. “And be judged!”

Storm let go of my mane and tilted his head to the side, somewhat perplexed on how he should approach this dilemma.

“How am I supposed to accomplish this?  If I electrocute him, it will cause him to clamp his teeth down,” the little white-blue Archon pointed out in a matter-of-fact tone, “And also it will probably shock you more than it will him.”

“G-Get something heavy and suh-ssstrike him with it!” she yelled as she fruitlessly attempted to kick at me from an odd angle.

Shenanigans ensued.  Like I said, just try to picture all that insanity and… Well, it’s not a very flattering scene for anyone.  Especially since Storm Wing could not find a stick large enough to terrify me and had to resort to a medium sized branch.  Having become rather pain tolerant at this point, I just suffered through it.  It wasn’t until he stopped whacking that we finally took note of our surroundings.  Oh, we were still in the Everfree forest, but it turned out that we weren’t the only ones.

“Whuh-Why did you st-stop!?” Luna demanded of the Sky Archon.

I could see Storm out of the corner of my eyes and the expression on his face was of utter shock.  It was kinda funny watching the branch fall out of his mouth.  Naturally, we followed his gaze to a certain big, shiny, white Alicorn Princess standing not thirty feet away with Fluttershy timidly hidden behind her hind legs.  The two of them looked at us like we were a bunch of aliens performing a bizarre mating ritual.  I was thoroughly embarrassed, actually.  Shamed enough that I immediately spit out Luna’s wing and looked down at my feet-hooves!  At least she didn’t smite me on the spot or something.  I could only imagine how this looked to her, us playing around while she waited home, worrying herself to death.  I mean, sure, this was quite literally the worst time for her to meet up with us, but still.  Looking like a bad situation can net you the same results.

Well, I’m sure this isn’t exactly a shocker, but Luna’s not so humble in the presence of authority.  Because she snatched up Storm Wing’s branch within her magical grasp and quadrupled its size.

“Y-You st-stupid blank flank!” she angrily snapped as she turned my way, brandishing the now-frightening weapon.

I’m not stupid, I knew where this was going!  Beatings everlasting!

“Save me, Celestia!” I cried out in terror as I ran for the super-sized Alicorn.  I dove behind her and grabbed Fluttershy, placing the perplexed pegasus between Luna and myself. “FLUTTERSHY, QUICK!  BLUSH AT HER!  USE YOUR CUTE!”

“Wh… What?!” Fluttershy squeaked, helpless to act in the face of adversity.

Use an innocent as a barrier!  Dark side points!

Luna cantered my way, but she wasn’t coming after me.  Well, I thought she was at first (totally didn’t cry out in fear!), but I was proven wrong when she instead stopped in front of Celestia and brushed up against her.  Celestia then draped her neck down over Luna’s and let out a soft sigh of relief.

“Are you alright?” the older sister asked.

“N-No.  He j-juh... He just bit my w-wing like some ignorant, slobbering ffffuh... foal,” Luna grumpily replied.

Celestia let out a humorless scoff. “I saw.  You deserved it for giving us all such a scare.”

I started to comment on how she also toasted my phone, but Storm Wing decided it was time to find something random to chastise me on.

“Human.  Let go of Miss Fluttershy.” I still say a voice so rough and scary need not come from a pony so small. “You’re upsetting her.”

I glanced back at the kind pony that I held within my magical hoof-grasp.  She was indeed stiff as board and wide-eyed.  Curious, I gave her a little shake just to see what would happen and my efforts earned me a fearful Fluttersqueak.  Aw goodness, it took all my willpower to not shake her again.  Still, it was something I could show Twilight later and laugh my plot off as she experienced the conflicting urges to yell at me and laugh at Fluttershy.  Yes, I’m sorry, but I like to pick on shy people.  It’s how I show affection.  Wee~!

The moment (I’m talking not even a tenth of a second later) I set her down Luna’s large stick swooped around her sister and smacked me on the flank a few times.

“I’M BEING REPRESSED!” I shrieked as I dived at Storm Wing for cover.  Sadly, he’s faster than I am and had more than enough time to simply take flight, thus abandoning me to my fate.  So really, all I managed to accomplish was place myself out in the open for more beatings.

“Oh… Oh dear!” Fluttershy wanted to help.  She really did.  But what was she going to do?  Give Luna a stern talking to?  Ask politely?  Beat Luna up?  Actually, that last one would be awesome to watch.  It’s not like Luna would hit back or anything.  This is Fluttershy we’re talking about after all.

Thankfully, my favorite alicorn saved the day.

“Luna.” Celestia shut her eyes in exasperation and took her younger sister’s beatstick away before it could bludgeon me further into submission. “Try to show some gratitude to the pony that saved you.”

“Yeah!  And naming me doesn’t count!” I yelled as I ran behind a tree for more cover.

“Y-You’re about to b… about to be re-renamed to ‘W-Whipping Boy!’” she countered.

“Oh, so his name wasn’t always Firewall,” Storm Wing reasoned aloud before glancing back at the two alicorns. “Now I don’t feel so bad for just calling him ‘human’ all the time.”

“Actually,” Celestia said, “His name…”

“Really is Fuh… F-Firewall,” the younger princess interjected as she glanced back at me. “Right?”

There was this heavy pause where all the ponies looked my way as though they were waiting on a confirmation.  I stayed mostly hidden behind my tree because I didn’t trust Luna to not pick the stick back up and start abusing me again.  After a few seconds of silence, I gave my thoughts on the matter.

“You just whacked me with a magically enlarged tree branch!” I yelled, still power-cowering behind my deciduous protector. “Why am I going to take up your side in an argument, ya jerk?!”

Well, it got even crazier from there, which is saying a lot.  Celestia wanted to go home, Storm Wing was trying to figure out just what my name really was, and Luna was trying to get her stick back from her sister.  I just hid behind my tree and shouted insults at Luna, which seemed like the sensible thing to do.  Eventually Celestia had enough of the insanity and raised her voice to reestablish order, scaring the living bejeebus out of us all.  I think Fluttershy died from a heart attack and had to be revived.  Or maybe I dreamed that up; memory’s a little fuzzy around this part.  Anyway, long story somewhat shortened was that we were headed back to Canterlot while Storm Wing escorted the other pegasus back to her Flutterhouse atop her Flutterhill.

Celestia initially wanted me to go back to Ponyville for a while, subtly hinting that I had already done enough damage.  Luna, on the other hoof, was super adamant that I stay within hoof’s reach.  She knew The Nightmare wanted me for some reason and that it probably wasn’t one that shared everypony’s best interests at heart.  What she didn’t tell Celestia was that she wanted to keep an eye on me to make sure I didn’t accidentally burn Equestria to the ground.  Like I was renowned for unintentionally incinerating entire countries or something!

Also, Celestia’s a speed demon.  I love to go fast, but that was very much the last time I intentionally rode the A.S.C.A.™ with Celestia at the magical wheel.  Okay, let me rephrase that:  That was the last time I willingly rode with Celestia driving.  Because I’m fairly sure that every time you do, you lose a year of your life to fearful stress.  Just a hypothesis; not curious enough to ever test it.  Because that would involve riding in the A.S.C.A.™ with Celestia as the driver.  And that’s not going to happen.

* * *

After we landed back in Canterlot, I tentatively allowed myself to step off the Carriage and shakily draw myself a cigarette.

“Christ, Celestia, I’m… Y’know, I’ve never asked, but are there no speed limits in Equestria?” I mumbled as my mind timidly began gathering up the last remaining pieces of my sanity.

Celestia seemed pleased with the fact that she had terrified me so thoroughly.  She did not, however, say anything on the subject.  The two princesses stepped off, looking pleased as punch.  Even Luna’s mane had somehow cleaned itself up.  That wasn’t fair.  Not even remotely fair.  But whatever, right?  The day had been saved and the Powerpuff Girls weren’t even called!  That’s a win that deserved a self-congratulatory smoke!

Or so I thought.  Right up to the point where Luna took my cigarette away.

“Those are un-un-nnn… Rrrgh!” That was Luna suffering from karma-stutters.  Those are a thing, now.  “Th-Those are unhealthy.”

I blinked.  Then without even turning to her, I resummoned the pack, drew another one, and lit it up.  Yes, she took that one, too.  I then let out a slow, patient breath before looking back at the two alicorns.

“Celestia, if I say pretty please, will you beat up your little sister?” Even I could hear a slight edge of irritation in my voice.

The Sun Princess looked like she wanted to get involved as much as she wanted her horn removed (meaning not at all) but she did let her eyes roam towards her irritating brat of a sibling.  

“Luna, health aside, Equestria is a free land,” she pointed out tiredly before slowly sauntering up the atrium. “As long as he is not hurting anypony else, he may do as he likes.”

“By that logic, I should be allowed to do as I like and help him,” Luna countered, never taking her stupid eyes off me.

Stupid alicorn uses stupid logic!

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” I grumped, retrieving a third cigarette and lighting it up. “I’m very serious when I say you would not recognize me if I go too long without one of these.”

Luna pouted at me, her face a blend of pleading and playful. “You mean you would hurt me?”

“I’d nom your wings off in an instant!” I grumbled.

“Awww,” she whined before sticking out her bottom lip (which is really hard to look at without d’awwing) and lowering her head to glance up at me with half-lidded eyes. “Even i-… if that made me s-sad?”

My mind.  She was blown.  I couldn’t believe it, but there was no mistaking the tilt of her head, nor the coy pout she was using to duck-face me.  I remember my jaw dropping open as it rapidly dawned on me what Luna was doing.  For those of you that need it spelled out, let me put it bluntly:  Princess Luna T. (for Troll) Alicorn Pony was flirting.  And she wasn’t being entirely subtle about it, either!  Because Celestia seemed to be noticing as well and was just as shocked as I was.

How did I feel about this?  I mean, Luna’s pretty cool as far as ponies go; I’d even venture to say she’s my best friend out of all the ponies.  But… romantically?  I mean, there were a lot of implications involved with dating ponies.  Most of them bad.  I couldn’t think of any of them at the time, but I was sure that there were plenty of them.  Maybe.  Whatever!  All I knew was that both inner halves (Yes, both Lafter and Stoic) were waving little red flags, warning me that there were a thousand ways this could go wrong.  The emotional risks were already high enough without throwing a couple of heartbreaks into the mix!

“Well, of course not,” I quickly huffed.  Possibly too quickly; not quite sure. “But I’m not going to pretend that everything is going to be okay if I am deprived of my nicotine, either.  So uh… I’m going to go… y’know… Somewhere else.  And I’m gonna smoke there.  I’m sure you two have lots to talk about.  So I’ll leave you to it since I’ve got to go give the remnants of my phone a proper burial, anyway.  Cough, LunaStopBurningMyShit, cough.”

I left them both there without another word.  I could feel their beady little eyes on me but I just acted like I didn’t care/notice.  I wasn’t certain how they took that reaction of mine (I wasn’t entirely smooth about it, after all) but that was definitely the least of my concerns.  So I motored on over to my special happiness bench and flopped down onto it with a sigh.  That damn monkey from earlier shrieked at me a few times but I was too nice to get on his case for it.

 My mind wandered back to Luna and the very first thing I had to do was not let my idiotic romantic half get out of his prison.  No, he hasn’t been named and I had no plans to change that anytime soon.  This is mostly due to the fact that every time he decides to come back from hiatus, someone always cries.  So for once in my life, I decided I would play this the smart way and eventually get around to talking to Luna about shutting this down.  I knew how to convey a rough message in a gentle way, so I wasn’t worried about hurting the girl as much as I was worried that I would inadvertently damage our friendship.

I didn’t get to think on the matter for long, however.  My thoughts were suddenly overcome with an intrusion.  It was sorta like Stupid B-… Err… Tissi.  Only there was something different about it.  It was like a musical hum that I could feel inside of me.  Not really anywhere specific as much as it was just… well, there.

~You are not from here…~

Voices in my head?  Oh yeah, I’m definitely loony by this point, I told myself.  Certifiably nucking futs!  It didn’t take as long as I thought it would, oddly enough.  But as long as I was a basket case, I might as well chill out and enjoy it, right?  Like that Sucker Punch movie, where you turn your insanity into an action movie… Except I was already doing that with Equestria.  Which was even better.

~You aren’t alarmed.~

“Well,” I replied aloud, “this really isn’t the strangest thing to happen to me in the past several days.”

~I suppose that is more than fair.  Our connection allows me to feel your reply from inside; you need not communicate verbally…~

My eyes widened a little bit at the unlikely implication that my stupid mind first jumped to.  That couldn’t be misconstrued at all!

“I… … I’m not comfortable being felt up like that!” I cried in shock, disturbing the rest of all the animals that Celestia keeps stuffed away in her silly royal park-garden-thing

~Hah.  Not that variety of connection, nor that kind of feeling.  You merely need to deliberately think your responses to communicate.~

~And the answer is:  The Best Chicken.~

~What is Scootaloo?~

I’m glad no one/pony was watching me in the garden, because I gasped for what would outwardly seem as no reason whatsoever.

~Double reference recognition!  Budding friendship status achieved!~

~I’m honored…~

~You should be!  So, I take it we haven’t met?~

~We have not.  I hope to change that, though…~

~Huh.  Is that you Ti-…~

And then BRAIN SPIKES!  Holy Gandhi skating backwards on ice!  It was almost worse than the last time I tried to talk about Tissiphone to someone that wasn’t Tissiphone!  I tried to suck in my breath, but I found the agony just a little too debilitating to allow anything other than to force me into a fetal position.  Why did it have to hurt so much!?  Couldn’t I get a warning shot first?  Then again, this might actually BE the warning shot.  Damn, that would blow so hard if that were the case.

~Are you… alright?~

~NO… But it isn’t your fault.  Who are you?~

~I am… someone that has a vested interest in keeping this land safe.~

Oh hell.  Not another one.

~That’s… That’s great.  No thank you, I would not like to strike up any bargains…~

~I… Odd.  Very well.  I will still keep in touch, unless you otherwise object.~

~Um... I suppose that’s fine.~

~Good.  Now, let me simply get to the point.  Princess Luna is not well and while this is not your fault, I can sense that you are more than willing to do whatever it takes to help her.~

~Uh-huh... Well, don’t forget!  No bargains!~

~Certainly not.  I am merely concerned for the Princess and want to help her.~

~Promise?~

~Promise.~

~Okay... Then, yes!  Luna’s a little loopy right now so... Yeah, I’d totally jump at the opportunity to make this easier on her.  I assume you have a plan.~

~Indeed.  Do you know the four necessary mental principles for manipulation?~

~Manipul... Magic?  The Four Legs of Magic?~

~Four legs of... Hmm.  I suppose I can... see the metaphorical significance from an Equestrian’s point of view, despite the fact that you are very much not a native.~

~Faith, Focus, Conviction and Imagination.  Why?~

~Then you lack one of these?~

~What?~

~Forgive me, I am assuming.  I merely inferred from your... Well, rather than demean you, let me simply ask:  Are you missing one of these fundamental principles?~

~Not really...~

~Then it seems you have everything you already need.~

~I do?~

I thought about that.  He was right, actually.  If I could stuff a book into my brain using magic, then maybe a little ingenuity could help out Luna.

~I... I guess you’re right.~

~Good talk?~

~Good talk.  Thanks, Mister Vimh!~

~Mister Vimh?~

~Voice In My Head!~

~I see.  A pleasure to have assisted you.  Also, my only request is that you refrain from mentioning me.  I won’t pretend to have the power to stop you from doing otherwise, but doing so could endanger me.  And I like being bereft of endangerment.~

~Well, you’re the nicest brain voice I’ve ever had, so I think I can do that for you!~

~Thank you.  Farewell.~

Mister Vimh cut contact shortly thereafter.  As nice as I acted, I wasn’t especially eager to hear more from the... whatever it was.  I didn’t like the idea of there being more players in this behind-the-scenes game that Tissiphone was a part of.  Not that I could be sure that such was the case with Mister Vimh, but I was fairly certain that whatever the case was, I didn’t know enough about it.

I yawned loudly, rubbing my eyes with a slight frown as I settled more onto my Special Stolen Bench.  Equestria:  Never a dull moment.  I looked up at the sky, noticing that it was pretty late in the evening.  I almost reached for my phone again, only to stop halfway this time and pout.  Rather than have an internal rant about that, though, I simply let my mind wander as I settled in for a snooze.

* * *

AND THEN I GOT POKED IN THE HORN!  I opened one eye just enough to confirm that the stars were still out and that I had no business being awake just yet.  Somepony was going to get it.

“I swear, I don’t even know why I bother trying to get some sleep!” I whined, scooting about on the bench. “Ain’t no brakes on the pain train!”

I heard a girly voice say, “What?”

“What?” I asked, rolling over to look at my disturber.  It was a purple pony.  A purple magical unicorn, to be exact.  Great.  I can’t exactly smack Twilight, lest I die from shame.

So I decided to harass her. “Twilight.  You shouldn’t barge in here.  I’m not dressed.”

She opened her mouth to reply, not expecting to be rebuked in such a way.   After a second to recover, she finally replied, “But… we normally don’t wear clothes.”

“That’s even worse!” I waved a hoof at her whilst yawning, trying to get her to go away. “Now we’re both naked, in here, alone and everypony’s gonna start talking!”

“We’re not in anything, No-Name!” she groaned in frustration, “Unless you mean us being in the Royal Canterlot Faunal and Floral Garden.”

“We’re bringing animals in on it, too!?” If I gasped any harder or any more dramatically, I’d have probably choked. “You’re moving too fast for me; I’m breaking things off right now!”

She fell back on her usual reaction.  Stare at me like I was insane.  Finally she slapped a hoof over her face and took a deep, relaxing breath.  I don’t think it actually helped calm her down, though.

“You… confuse me!” she snapped after a moment of quiet, “I just wanted to ask if you wanted to help me experiment with the Inmanipulon samples.  If you’re tired, though, you don’t have to be childish about asking me to let you sleep!”

There was a little bit of anxiety in the way she spoke, made only more apparent by the way she spun about and began to… not quite stomp, but she definitely wasn’t happily cantering either.  I didn’t deliberate on the matter for very long.  All I knew was that I was not about to be responsible for the ruining of somepony’s day, Twilight’s especially.

“Wait!” I cried, rolling off the bench and tearing after her.  She stopped and looked back at me with, I kid you not, tears rimming the bottom of her eyes.  As punishment for my crimes, Stoic beat Lafter to death with a crowbar and stuffed the body into a foot locker.  He wouldn’t stay dead forever, but he wouldn’t be coming back for some time, either.

“Oh, Twi… I’m sorry,” I murmured, trotting to a stop as I neared with a grimace. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.  I was just being silly.”

I conjured her up a simple napkin and floated it her way, which she accepted with a soft, apologetic smile.

“It’s not your fault,” she reassured me as she let out a strained laugh. “I think being exposed to the purified Inmanipulon samples has had a few strange effects on me.  I’m fine whenever I’m away from it for an hour or so, but I think it has some strange psychoactive properties.  I’ve been so emotionally charged these past few days.”

“Wow.  That’s no bueno.  You need a case of mood swings like I need another name,” I commented with a short chuckle before remembering that Twilight had yet to be brought up on speed. “Oh yeah.  I’ve been given a moniker courtesy of the trolliest princess.  I won’t bore you with all the details but the short version is that Luna named me Firewall.  Thoughts?”

“The Princess named you?” Twilight dabbed at her eyes before blinking in slight disbelief. “You must have made quite the impression.”

“Pfft.  No.  She did it to vex me, I’m certain of it,” I snarled, scrunching up my face a bit. “So let’s go play science before she flies out of the bushes and tells me that Gilda is best pony or something.”

That would send any brony up the wall in an unreasonable way.

And then we science’d with magic, which is the silliest thing I’ve ever said.  The best part was picking a place to do business.  I elected Luna’s library in hopes that we might accidentally burn it to the ground.  Of course I didn’t tell Twilight that, but I like to set my games up like Xanatos so that I win either way.

I understood just barely enough about magic to know what Twilight was doing, but didn’t know near enough to do anything but be the assistant.  Fetch that, prepare this, cleanse that, etc.  That might sound incredibly boring but I can promise you that nothing could be farther from the truth.  I mean, I was learning neat stuff about magic, chilling with Twilight, and participating in mad science.  Twilight insisted that there was nothing mad about it and demanded that I not call it that, but I assured her I knew what I was talking about.  But like a mare, she found other things to nag me about.  Specifically taking notes in the ‘informal’ alphabet.  See, ponies can read and speak English just fine, but they have this ‘Official’ pictogram alphabet for any special documentation, legalese, and otherwise formal print.  To write in English is to be extra informal and relaxed.  You send a personal letter in English (otherwise known as Informal), but send a wedding invitation in Formal.  So yeah, Twilight whined about it until I brought up one point.

“Twilight, is any of the pertinent information lost in the translation from Informal to Formal?” I asked her as I continued to jot away with the power of magic!

“Well, no, I suppose not, but it’s rather…” She paused, searching for a proper word. “It’s quite silly to take a formal document and write it informally.  It gives the allusion of amateur’s hoof at work!”

“Sorry, Twilight, I can’t read your Formal alphabet,” I huffed as I finished marking down measurements. “Ergo, if you want me to be of any real assistance, we’re going to have to write this in ‘Stupid’ and hope all of the smart ponies won’t judge us.”

She frowned a little. “I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t smart, Firewall.”

“It’s too late, Twilight.  You’ve ruined my self-confidence!” I cried out in false dismay, feigning a case of the vapors. “I need my comfort food now, which is a shame, because Equestria is probably fresh out of Spaghetti-Os.”

Twilight rolled her eyes with a helpless giggle. “I’m sure that you’ll cope.  But as strange as it sounds, if all you can read and write is Informal, then adapting to the situation is the best solution we have.”

“Indeed, my good mare,” I said before setting down the paper and quill. “Okay.  All set.  The only thing left to jot down is the best part!”

“Results!” she supplied handily… Hoof’dily.  Whatever’dily.

And then she brought out the samples.  She had four tiny dark grey pebbles that were about the size of a ball bearing.  Very tiny, to be sure.  She mentioned that getting the dust purified and shaped into such easy-to-handle sample was rather easy.  That it just took a bit of metallurgy know-how to separate the sand from the genuine article and took absolutely no magic to accomplish.  Personally, I wouldn’t have been so forward in attempting such an initiative, but Twilight’s far more intelligent than I am, so I didn’t bother shoving my opinion out there (very unlike me, I know).

It wasn’t until we began directly experimenting with the stuff that progress became rather… stagnant.  Magic sort of follows the same rule of energy.  You can’t create it, you can’t destroy it, but you can direct it, disperse it, and focus it towards an end.  But these grey bearings seemed to be rule breakers in the sense that any magic they came in contact with just vanished.

Basically it works like this:  Any magical task requires three things.  A geas (More or less the programming behind the spell), a focus to cast from (such as a hoof, horn, or wing), and the fuel (that being magic itself).  Without any of those three things, your spell doesn’t have the capacity to scratch your butt.  Inmanipulon initially seemed to just wipe out the geas and destroy the fuel.  We were pretty stumped as to how it worked.  There should be a reaction for something so phenomenal but our discovery didn’t happen until Twilight accidentally bumped a magic candle over.  When it rolled over to the sample we had set out on a simple plate, it winked out.  It wasn’t until I picked it up and set it to the side that the candle relit itself. Then we started making some headway.

It took some verifying, but we confirmed that magic was not being destroyed, it was simply being disrupted somehow.  The proof was in the magical objects which would simply not function until a certain distance from the submatter (Twilight’s word, not mine) known as Inmanipulon was established.  Wiggy!  It didn’t explain what was happening to spells, though.  Nor should magic be disappearing at all in the first place.  But there was no way to actively observe the magic once its geas was disrupted, because the only way to actually see a spell was through its display, which the geas provided.  I know, this is getting super technical and stuff, but stick with me on this because it is about to make sense.

“But does it blend?!” I shouted in frustration before breathing fire at the tiny pebble that sat unassumingly on the table before me.

Sadly, my firebreath died not a full meter from the table in question.

“It’s impossible to test upon with magic!” Twilight cried, equally upset with the material. “How are we supposed to observe the effects the material in question has on magic when we can’t see the effects it has on magic!?”

“Well, how did you get results before?” I asked, desperate to find a roundabout solution.

“It wasn’t concentrated enough before to completely disrupt magic, only severely dampen it,” she explained, “It was difficult and required a lot more effort, sure!  But I was still able to produce results.  But I’ve given it my best focus and we didn’t even get a spark!”

“Can we make any special goggles that let us see magic even without a display or something?”

Twilight sighed as though she had been defeated, “Yes, but that will take days!  Not only would we need a specialist to make the goggles in question, we would have to commission the aid of a thaumaturgist to design the spell.  Princess Celestia wanted results as soon as possible.  I’ve already been researching for two weeks and the only difference between last week and today is that we know for a fact that it’s pain in the flank!  We might as well be blind for all the good our eyes are doing for us now.”

Twilight couldn’t have accidently spoon fed me the solution any more directly if she had tried to do so on purpose.  Because it wouldn’t have been accidental, nor would it have been my idea if she had.

“Twilight, go fetch us doughnuts,” I ordered before turning and running for the door. “I have an idea!  Meet you back here in fifteen minutes.”

“Wait, what!?  What are the doughnuts for!?” she cried out after me.

“What do you think!?” I yelled back, not bothering to halt my enthusiastic dash for the stairs (I hate those stairs.  I hate all stairs).

* * *

The time was about two in the morning.  The target was soundly asleep in his bed.  The method was obvious, simple and yet it was delightfully perfect.

“STORM WING, THE NIGHTMARE IS ATTACKING!” I shouted at the top of my lungs and leaped onto his bed. “SAVE ME, STORM!  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!  SAVE ME!”

I think I gave him a heart attack.  He cried out and flung himself off the bed with panic splayed upon his expression.  He was half-awake and freaking out, so I snatched one of his pillows and threw it at him with a frantic scream.

“What!?” He dodged like some freakin’ pony-ninja, complete with midair tuck-n-tumble.

“Good reflexes, Storm.  You passed.” I softly applauded, my voice now super deep and super serious.

“What is the meaning of this, Firewall!?” he shouted, not appreciative of his emergency reaction drill.

“You’ve now passed into the realm of magical pony science,” I responded brazenly, throwing a dramatic hoof in his direction. “Only you can help us learn more of the power of anti-magic.”

He blinked a time or two before gritting his teeth. “Are you trying to anger me?”

“Yes,” I replied without hesitation, “but I am also being quite honest.  We need your help.  Come forth.  Twilight is fetching you some doughnuts.  You’re like a pony-cop, so I figure that’ll help balance out your chi and stuff.”

“I don’t… What are you talking about?” He rubbed at his face a bit before glaring up at me. “What time is it?”

“Who cares, Storm!?”  I flung my hooves in air. “There’s science to be done and Celestia needs results!  Are you saying you’re going to let Celestia down!?  Because I’mma tell everyone you did!”

He glared in my direction for a few seconds before shaking his head. “What do you need?  No more nonsense.”

“Fiiine~!  I swear, this is the land of cartoony equines, but the ponies are all super serial!” I grumped, crossly crossing my hooves in a cross-like fashion. “It’s like this…”

* * *

“You can see magic?” Twilight got all kinds of bug-eyed when I explained my thought process.

It’s pretty simple, I’m fairly sure I’m just going to reiterating the assumptions already made but here goes.  Storm can sense magic, even if it doesn’t have a display.  Since the Inmanipulon disrupts any gaes and, by proxy, the display, his ability to keep track of the magic would be able to tell us where it was going.

“I can sense it, yes.  I’ve never been able to see before, though, so I can’t make a comparison, Miss Twilight Sparkle,” he explained, “Firewall, here, claims that I can be of great assistance and that this endeavor is of great importance to Celestia.”

Twilight is an overachiever, okay?  Of that there is no doubt.  I told her to go get doughnuts.  She assumed it had something to do with the experiment and seeing that she had no clue how many she should get, she opted to get a lot.  I was somewhat put out that she wasn’t already back by the time I had returned, but that had been offset by the cart full of pastries she eventually arrived with.  The doughnuts were for Storm Wing, but seeing as he wasn’t going to be eating even half of them, I found it within my capacity to eat a few… dozen.

“Well, it’s certainly important to her, but I wouldn’t say that it was worth it to wake you up in the middle of the night.” She gave me a glare and I rebelliously ate a doughnut at her. “Still, as long as what’s done is done, do you mind giving us a hoof?  It’s alright if you want to wait for the morning.”

“I already said I would help and that is what I will do,” he replied as I held a doughnut up to his nose.

Bitterly accepting my offer, he scarfed down the treat as we went about preparing the next test.  It shouldn’t have taken much time, but Twilight is meticulous and is crazy about contaminating results so it actually took us several minutes.  After we were finally prepped, we ate one last preparatory doughnut and began the test.

I don’t wanna get technical on you, so I’ll keep it simple.  I would breathe fire on the stuff and Storm Wing would tell us where the magic went.  If you’re wondering why we didn’t go with more direct spells, it’s because I seem to have an insane efficiency ratio on fire breath.  I can roar out the stuff all day and I would sooner get winded from breathing too hard rather than arcane exhaustion.

“Okay!  Stand-by.  Ready, boys?” Twilight asked before casting a containment spell around us all, thwarting my attempts to destroy Luna’s library.  Sad face.

We nodded.

“Improvisational Observation Technique Attempt Number One!  Commence!” She was adorable with her research director voice.

I blasted out a decent wave of flame at the pebble of anti-magic juju, only to see the same result of the fire just dying out a couple of feet away from the table.  Storm Wing blinked before tilting his head to the left and blinking a second time.

“I… Firewall, do that again.  Harder,” he ordered, stepping a little closer to the testing area.

Twilight nodded at me before barking out the go ahead, “Attempt Number Two!  Variable:  Intensified magic output!  Commence!”

Well, he wanted more so I gave him more.  I stepped it up, putting a solid  effort into the next blast.  It was hot enough for me to feel it, so I knew it had to be at least a little uncomfortable to the two of them.  As intended, the flames were a bit wider, definitely brighter, and actually made it a few inches closer before ultimately winking out.

“One more time,” Storm requested, squinting a bit. “Hard as you can.”

I gave him an incredulous glance before taking a few deep breaths and bracing myself.  Instead of just going with it, I began to actively focus on putting everything I had into the next one.  Already I could feel the tightness in my chest like a pressure that was building up as though it anticipated a powerful release.

“Attempt Number Three!” Twilight ordered, stepping back a little bit, “Maximum output!  Commence!”

I roared audibly like something out of some corny action movie as I let it all out.  If I had not been putting all my focus and effort into this one, I’d have distracted myself with just how *#&%ing cool it really looked.  Pardon my Equestrian, but it was awesome.  It was a big ol’ torrent of turquoise and red-orange flames that almost made it to the unassuming little pebble made of frustration and stumpery.

For several moments, the only sound was that of my semi-winded breathing.

“Well?” Twilight broke the silence.

“That’s… new,” Storm said after another soundless second, “The magic is being pulled into the blank spot and being compressed into the raw dot at its center.”

“Compressed?  What, like a black hole or something?” I asked.

“Not sure what that is, but I can confirm that the magic is not being destroyed, it’s just being concentrated on a focus,” he elaborated, stroking his chin with a hoof, “The blank area around the focus though, I’ve seen it.  Yesterday, at the ruins.”

“Le gasp!” I said, “That was what you were going on about!  I thought you were just making up excuses for losing a fight!”

Really, I said that unironically.  Which is somewhat stupid of me, I’ll admit.  Incredibly insensitive, at least.  Twilight must have agreed, because she flying-book’d me upside the back of my head.

“Ack!” I cried, diving under the closest table avoid any further airborne literary abuse.

Storm chuckled under his breath. “I found that much more amusing than I should have.”

“Twilight, no flying books!” I whined from under the table.  I wanted to get out from underneath it, but I wasn’t taking the chance, even if it smelled like sterile-sweet chemicals down there.

She replied, but I stopped paying attention.  I’d just realized how comfortable the carpet was underneath the table and considered taking a nap.  I mean, if Twilight needed me, she’d just shake me awake.  Or beat me with more books.  I wish she wouldn’t do that, but rarely do I get my way these days.  I started to close my eyes and murmured a few lines from the Hush-Now-Quiet-Now song.

“What is that smell?” Storm Wing asked, jarring me somewhat conscious.  His voice was a little slurred but became somewhat alert when a very audible flop came from Twilight’s direction.  I snapped my eyes open to confirm that I wasn’t the only one losing consciousness.  Twilight was flopped over a chair in what had to be one of the most uncomfortable chair-flopping positions I had ever seen.

“Miss Twilight?!” Storm barked in shock, causing me to lift my head up.  I was just barely conscious enough to realize that something just might be wrong.

All sound was slowly becoming distant but I remember the distinct sound of glass breaking.  I looked back at Storm Wing just in time to witness him try to take flight, only to make it two feet off the ground and then gloriously crash into a nearby shelf.  Somewhere deep within my mind I suddenly realized that we were all in danger and I had to do something.  Anything but lay here and pass out like the others.

That sterile-sweet smell had been slight before, but it was quickly becoming an overpoweringly pungent rot.  I had a good idea as to what it was, but that wasn’t as important as doing something about it.  With all the willpower I had, I managed to begin dragging myself out from under the table and away from the center of the room.  Much to my relief, the smell was indeed getting fainter the further I forcibly moved myself.  By the time I made it to the first set of inwardly curved shelves, my vision and hearing began to just barely clear themselves up.

“Hah!” I grunted, slowly pushing myself off the ground with my two front hooves. “Ssss… Sssuck it, bitchezzz…”

And then a wet rag smelling suspiciously of chloroform slapped down over my entire face.

“Oh goodness!” I exclaimed before promptly fading out like a Bollywood romance scene.

Side note:  Should you go to Equestria, throw your sleep schedule out the window because you won’t sleep unless Equestria wants you to sleep.

* * *

Well, we stayed clocked out for several hours, surprisingly enough.  Last I checked, chloroform was supposed to only affect you for an hour, possibly two.  Even if left near you it shouldn’t affect a pony for much longer considering that the stuff evaporates incredibly quickly.  For some reason, though, we were out until a good portion into the morning.  Lucky found us and was able to revive us all with little cups of water that she dumped onto our faces.  I remember the water being really, really effing cold because she fetched it from some clouds near the tower.  Damn it, Lucky.  Just damn it, okay?

So anyway, we were all completely unharmed except for a bruise on Storm’s left foreleg.  That was not to say that everything was all fine and dandy.  It wasn’t.  All the notes and research we did on the Inmanipulon?  Yeah, it was gone.  Along with all our samples.  Storm was irritated, I was pissed but Twilight?  Twilight couldn’t see straight.  I don’t think Twilight’s ever been stolen from and it bothered her on some deep level.  When she wasn’t on the brink of tears, she was busy trying to keep herself from yelling at everything.  Luckily, she was still listening to reason and when I pointed out that her emotional state might still be under the effect of Inmanipulon, she chilled.

She needed something to comfort her so I promised to make her some pwncakes and roffles if she promised to behave long enough for me to whip them up real quick.  She acquiesced and I scooted along to the kitchen.  As I approached the place of cookery, I could hear my favorite British-Bishi pony inside, humming to himself as he whipped up whatever masterpiece he deemed worthy of the princesses.

I kicked the door open and bellowed. “COOKIE!”

“AAAHHHH!” he screamed, throwing his hooves up in the air and sending a skillet full of something along with it.

“AAAHHHH!” I dived out of the way of… whatever that goop was.  All I know was that it was yellow, airborne, and hot enough to kill organisms on a microscopic level.

Splat.

We looked at the puddle of sizzling yellow stuff before looking up at one another.  His assistant, known to others as Sugar Dust, known to me as Bitchy Quadruped #4 (FYI: The others are Luna, Princess of the Night, and The Alicorn formerly known as Nightmare Moon), burst into the room from the pantry before slapping a hoof over her face.

“Dude.” I pointed at the mess. “Five second rule.  Hurry up, you’re running out of time.”

He probably wasn’t amused, but he didn’t say anything.  He just stared at me for several seconds, as though waiting for me to do something.

“What do you want?!” Sugar Dust snapped.

“I want to make pancakes!   And possibly a few waffles!” I demanded, slamming my hoof on a nearby counter for emphasis. “You need not assist!  Merely stand aside!  I had a bad night and so did my friend and I want to make us some comfort food!”

“We’re not going to put up with your idiocy anymore, alien!” she yelled back with greater fervor than I had managed. “Get out!”

I blinked.  That wasn’t a very ponyful response.  Then again, I was being kind of an ass.

I sighed, deflating a bit before walking towards the little closet in the corner where the kitchen kept its mops and stuff for cleaning. “Okay, look, I’m sorry.  I’ll clean up the mess.  I’ll even use the crappy wood stove and dump out the ashes myself.  No more funny stuff for like… a month.  Pretty please?”

“Absolutely n-…” Bitchy Quadruped started to reply.

“Yes!” Cookie loudly cut her off, “go ahead.  Don’t worry about the mess.  Make whatever you like and hurry up, if you don’t mind.  I’ve got to cook for Blueblood’s guests so just… try to stay out of the way.  Sugar Dust, please attend to the accident.”

Miss Dust found that to be the most unbelievable thing she had ever heard.

“Cookie, you can’t be se-…” she started to say before being cut off yet again.

“I’m quite serious.  We’re already behind and you making a fuss is only making a bad situation even worse,” he sharply replied before turning back for the stove. “Thank you for your cooperation.”

There was a heavy silence that did nothing but further threw off my already bad day.  Eventually we all went about our business and resolved ourselves to just ignore one another’s presence.  I could feel a lot of tension in the room and all I wanted was to make my exit as soon as possible.  That said, I just got it over with and made a total of eight waffles and eight pancakes.  I was going to take the time to butter each one, then stagger-stack them so that it would be sillier when I presented them to Twilight.  After that, though?  I just wanted to get out of there.

Cookie was nice enough to get me a stack of plates and silverware before rushing me out the door.  Not wanting to cause more problems, I didn’t give him any grief and just left with the food and condiments in tow.  I made my way back out to my special bench where I left the bipolar purple pony to ponder the perplexing problem of our possessions having been purloined from our persons (ponies) without permission by way of chemical persuasion.  By the time I got there, I could tell that her jimmies had mostly unrustled themselves.  Upon noticing my arrival, she could tell that what little energy I’d had left over from the theft had been sapped by something else.

“What’s wrong, Firewall?” she asked, already frowning somewhat.

“Stuff,” I answered as I floated her a plate and flopped some waffles on it. “Just starting to think I need to be less of a silly dumbass.”

“You’re not dumb, Firewall,” she replied reflexively, “You can be pretty silly, sure, but that doesn’t make a pony stupid.”

“Mebbe,” I answered with a nod, fetching a butterknife and going for the butterdish to do some butterstuff with it. “Mebbe.  I didn’t butter them just yet, so…”

“Hey,” Twilight poked me my side with a hoof and sorta left it there.  I think it’s the equivalent of setting a hand on your shoulder, but nopony ever confirmed that with me. “You can talk to me.  What’s wrong?”

I sighed, shutting my eyes and shaking my head.

“Lesson One about humans, Twilight:  Never give a human an opportunity to whine to you.  Why?  Well, if you had you ever had to listen to one, you’d know.  ‘Cause I gotta tell ya, we’re pretty damn good at it and all it does is upset others and stuff.”

Just a note, guys:  This is me not wanting to talk about it and making up complete bullshit to get what I want.  So uh… Don’t take that for serious, okay?

“Listening is just another part of being a friend,” she countered, giving me a heartmelting smile.

“Oh gosh!” I coughed out a surprised laugh. “Lesson Two about humans!  We like to stay grumpy sometimes so that we can blow off steam in our own way.  And you making me feel better by talking about being my friend is just deflating my anger balloon like pssssssshhhhhfffbbbtbbttt~!  So good job and stuff on ruining my bad mood!”

There was a lot of hoof waving in those sentences to help emphasize what I was getting at.  I’m fairly sure if you tied my hooves together, I wouldn’t be able to hold a conversation.

“Oh my, I feel terrible already,” she gasped in false shame before letting out a giggle.

“You should,” I confirmed before spreading warm, syrupy love all over my pancakes.  Mmmmm…

After that, the small talk turned on and I got to tell Twilight what Luna was like.  She was floored.  She expected a more mysterious Celestia or something; hell, I don’t know.  When I pointed out that the two were as different as the day and the night, she was forced to groan and recoil from the terrible pun.  All in all, I was making a swift recovery and self-doubt had been all but entirely dispelled.

Shortly after my third waffle (Yes, I like to eat them one at a time), that silvery pony from before showed up.  You know, the one that was guarding Luna’s door the day before?  Hell, the only reason I remembered her was because she was the skank that held me down by my freakin’ horn.

“Oh, look.  It’s that silvery pony from before!” I gasped as though narrating.

“My name is Lieutenant Silverheart,” she stated dryly before rolling her slanted, silvery eyes. “You’re Firewall, right?  The human?”

Twilight winced a bit.  She wasn’t very appreciative of the harsh tone that the Sky Archon was taking, but she’s not exactly assertive enough to throw a pony under the bus over such things.

“Indeed, I am,” I affirmed, tilting my head a bit. “You here to stomp on my horn some more?”

That must be some serious kind of offensive because Twilight gasped in shock while Silverheart brightly blushed.

“No, I’m not here for that,” she coughed a bit, looking away as she cleared her throat and looking back to us, “I… am sorry for how things went during our first encounter.  But I take no chances when a fire-breathing unicorn breaks into Princess Luna’s room.”

“Uh-huh.  Yeah, water under the bridge and all that,” I took another bite of pancake and arched an eyebrow. “Soooo... what are you here for then?”

“Sky Archon Captain, Storm Wing, has requested your presence.  I was sent to deliver the message and escort you to him,” she clarified, meeting my gaze with soldier’s steel in her silver eyes.

Screw Captain Storm Wing (S.C.S.W.C.  -  6) was the first thing that came to my mind, but then I remembered that he was big enough to help me and Twilight last night.  Even if he wasn’t big enough to reach for the light switch without resorting to wings.  Not that he’d need a light switch, mind you.

I let out a soft groan before looking down at my waffles.  I didn’t want to squander all that golden brown goodness and I also couldn’t leave them all for Twilight.  I had her figure to think about.

“Can I bring the waffles?” I turned my gaze her way, sticking out my bottom lip.

Silverheart blinked, unsure how she should go about processing this development.  After a moment of stunned silence, she shrugged her wings (… Damn it…).

“I don’t see why not,” she replied before turning about and taking a deep breath for patience. “Please, come with me.”

“I’ll see ya later, Twi.” I gave her a casual salute.

“Thank you for breakfast!” she smiled back.

I complied, magically grabbing the last few pancakes and waffles that weren’t on Twilight’s plate and tossing a bunch of syrup and butter on them before stacking them all on my plate.  Then, just to mess with Twilight, I pushed her plate away from her about two feet.  The look she gave me was an amalgamation of irritation and amusement.  Thoroughly pleased with myself, I stuck my tongue out at her and scampered after Silverheart.  The Archon was looking at me as though she was trying to discern if I was real or just an insane side-effect of a subtle mental breakdown.  I turned to face her, tongue still hanging out before sucking it back in and smiling brightly.

“You are… strange,” she stated, having nothing more to say on the matter even after I tried to pester her on the subject.

It took us a short while, but we made our way to the ballroom where Storm Wing patiently awaited my arrival.  And man, did he look like hell or what.  He wasn’t wearing his armor and his eyes were a little more half lidded, but the messy mane and tail were what gave me the impression that he was having a bad day.  Seriously, when your hair is longer than that of the average female, messiness just holds that much more prevalence.

“Damn, Storm.  Either you lost a fight with a thunder cloud, or you’ve had a rough night,” I commented as we approached.

He smirked a bit without even glancing my way. “You should see the thunder cloud.  What are the waffles and pancakes for?”

“For a while!” I proclaimed.

“Of course they are,” he replied before turning his head our way just slightly, “Lieutenant Silverheart, thank you and you’re dismissed.  Go make sure Lucky hasn’t burned down Canterlot for me, will you?”

Silverheart blinked before saluting.  I swear to you, I saw fear in those eyes.  Maybe I was just imagining things?  But probably not.  Lucky is one scary hoofie.  After dropping the salute, she turned and flew off in an entirely normal fashion.  No sparkly lightning, no sonic boom of speed, just a dismal, unexcited take-off.

I thought about commenting, but just let it pass.  Instead, I turned to Storm Wing and prodded for information.

“So… what’s up, Speedy?”

“Luna has not slept in two days,” was his dry, flat answer.

“Maybe she should take LUNESTA!”

Yes, I went there.

Storm Wing arched an eyebrow and swiveled his head in my general direction. “What…?”

“Hmmm.” I contemplatively tapped my chin with a hoof. “Yeah, that joke really holds no significance here.”

“I see,” he stupidly answered.

“No, you don’t!” I roared in protest, “You don’t see anything!”

He totally ignored that.  Unfortunately for me, he’s a little too smart to be baited into such nonsense.

“Anyway, she asked me to bring you to her…” he started to say before I cut him off.

“Woah, woah, hold up.” I waved a hoof to signal a time out. “Luna asked you to bring me to her.  So rather than fetch me yourself, you sent Silverheart, Stomper of Horns to bring me here so that you could escort me the last twenty steps?”

“Princess Celestia asked me to watch after Luna.”

Random Tangent:  Storm Wing’s voice is incredible.  Why?  Only he can say the words ‘Princess Celestia’ and not sound like a sissy.  Which totally sucks for us bronies, because there’s a huge difference between sounding like a sissy and actually being one.

“I won’t be able to sense her if I go much farther.  This is as close as I could get to fulfilling the wishes of both princesses.”

“Uh-huh.  Good cover up, slacker.” I gave him a skeptical glare.

His expression finally cracked when he shut his eyes, took a deep, quiet breath, and let it out through his nose.  He sounded like a tire rapidly losing its PSI. (Ponies per Square Inch - Fact.)

“I’m also lacking a good bit of sleep myself and Luna did not specify that I bring you to her in top condition,” he said after finishing his deflation. “Perhaps you should keep that in mind before further testing my patience.”

… … … Challenge Accepted.

-Two Minutes Later-

“AAAAHHH!!!” I screamed as I barreled through Luna’s door.

“Well, if I didn’t have any trouble sleeping before, I certainly do now.”

Luna was laying on her night-themed bed (I personally expected troll faces and a portrait of Rick Astley) with quite possibly the most impatient of looks upon her face.

Naturally, I paid her no mind and leaped over her bed to put something solid between myself and the Sky Archon that was hot on my heels.  I checked to make sure I had successfully made the leap without losing any waffles and pancakes.  Much to my dismay, though, the final tally showed that I had lost one in all the excitement.

“No!” I sputtered breathlessly before poking my head up over the bed.  Sure enough, as Storm Wing entered the room, I could see one side of his mouth protruding from being so full of delicious pancake.

“You heartless bastard!” I cried in horror.

He swallowed, smirking my way after the deed was done. “Consider it payment for not kicking the blank off your flank.”

GAH!!!  That line!  So… So good… Gah!

“What is going on, again?” Luna didn’t actually look that interested in what was going on; I don’t know why she was asking.

“Luna!” I hollered, snapping my head her way. “What are you doing here?!”

“This is my room.”

I looked about.  Indigo paint on the ceiling, black columns, dark blue fluffy pillows, corn-blue stained furniture, and moons on just about everything.  There was a big, blue stuffed animal that looked like a mix between a dolphin and the Loch Ness Monster.  I wasn’t sold, though, until I noticed the picture of Celestia and Luna in their younger years resting atop the nightstand next to the bed.  By the way, Celestia is adorable with pink hair.

“So it is,” I confirmed, “Good observation.”

“Thanks, I like to make my family proud,” she countered sardonically.

I chuckled before looking back at Storm Wing. “You can leave now, ya jerk!”

“Hush, Firewall,” Luna ordered before glancing back at the Sky Archon, “Thank you, Storm Wing.”

“Not at all, Pr-…” he started to reply before blinking at the sudden change of expression on Luna’s face.

Did you guys know that Luna hates, despises, and absolutely loathes being called ‘Princess’?  I mean, it doesn’t come up often with me because I call her just about everything that isn’t complimentary or respectful.  Well, apparently Storm knew that, too.  But he’s a huge stickler for formalities so… yeah.

Storm ended up just grunting and hopping up onto the top of Luna’s armoire.  After dusting it off a bit, he did a circle as though he were a cat and simply flopped down.  I just had so many comments come to mind that my brain derped out and all I could do was gape in awe.

Luna snickered at my reaction because she likes to laugh at my expense.

“Are you alright?” she asked softly.

“All he needs is a scratching post,” I mumbled absentmindedly before blinking and looking back at Luna. “Hey, you had me brought here!  Why would you do something so silly?  We both know that I have ponies to play with and this is seriously cutting into that.  What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk,” she answered quite plainly.

“Damn, I’m good!” I exclaimed, setting my pwncakes and roffles on the nightstand. “Already accomplished the objective and I didn’t even know what it was!”

Luna facehoofed.  But not like this dramatic slap on her forehead.  No, it was slow, deliberate and perfectly portrayed her thoughts on my nonsense.

Her words were flat and almost helpless. “You astound me.”

“That’s what all the ladies say!” I promised before dropping my pony-elbow-hock thingies up on the bed and bracing my chin up with my hooves. “So, like, enough with the silliness.  What’s up with you not sleeping?  Isn’t that bad for you?”

“Don’t want to sleep,” she answered with a long yawn.  “Been having nightmares.  The kind that you can’t scare away with a few spells.”

I suddenly felt extremely numb all over, having a damn good guess as to what was causing the nightmares.  As I understand it, dreams and nightmares are the mind’s way of occupying your sensory perceptions while you’re asleep and also act as a sort of taking-out-the-mental-garbage.  It’s why people that sleep to music usually have a slightly less restful sleep because they’re occupying a piece of their mind by listening to it.  This was all second-hand information from a supposed sleep-expert that worked at a Serta mattress store, but he sure as hell was confident and charismatic.  THE POINT was that Luna didn’t have a trash bin full of mental garbage, but an entire junkyard of it.

“Well, look on the bright side!” I said, sitting back on my haunches and pointing to the large plate of breakfast foods on the nightstand. “I brought you foodstuffs!  Om nom nom?”

“I’m really not in the mood,” she sighed miserably, slowly shutting her eyes before forcing them back open. “Food makes me sleepy and sleeping is the last thing I want to do right now.”

“Well, you’re having problems sleeping, right?” I retorted, “Let us eat then, and begin the process of forcibly rendering you unconscious!  Here, I’ll show you how!”

That said, I levitated a large waffle up to my face and took a huge chomp out of it.

“Now you try!” I proclaimed through the golden, fluffy goodness.

Before she replied, I floated her a pancake and dropped it onto the pillow beside her.  Naturally, it soiled the fabric the moment it came into contact with it due to the fact that it was covered in butter and syrup.

“What are you doing!?” Luna cried, sitting up in shock at the sight of her defiled pillow. “You’re ruining my bed!”

That wasn’t very fair of her.  I mean, I never even had a chance to answer her question.

“Oh my gosh!” I cried out in dismay, throwing my hooves up into the air. “I suck at comforting ponies!  My life is a lie!”

I could hear Storm Wing slap a hoof over his face from behind me.  Luna grabbed the pancake and threw it at me, helplessly laughing at the randomness of the situation.  I caught it with magic and eagerly devoured the projectile flapjack.

“You’re an idiot,” she grumped tiredly before casting a spell to clean off the pillow.

“You’re the one turning down delicious pancakes,” I countered, my voice muffled by the tastiness in my mouth.

“Yes, yes.  Clearly a sign of insanity,” she commented before lying back against the pillow and sighing. “Firewall, are you sure you’re a human?  Because I know what humans are like now.  More than even you know.  And you just don’t seem to me like the typical human.”

Either that was her idea of a compliment, or I was being told in a roundabout way that I’m a freak.

“Wow, that’s a little misanthropic, don’t you think?” I let out a soft chuckle after swallowing the last of the pancake. “I mean, if you know so much about humans, you should also know that we are really, extra, super diverse.  No two humans are entirely alike.  Hell, it’s hard to find another human that’s incredibly like oneself.  I’m just another guy.”

Luna responded by turning over and burying her face into the pillow.  She mumbled something into it and the only thing I could think of was the Pyro from Team Fortress 2.  I snorted loudly, trying to prevent myself from going off on a tangent of quotes.  Good ol’ Stoic, there to keep me in line.

“Well, I can’t discern what you said entirely,” I pointed out with another laugh, “But if I had to take a guess, you’re either insulting my mother, or you’re offering to sell me a pony for an outrageous sum.  It could go either way, really.  But before you say anything, let me remind you that slavery is illegal in Equestria.”

I paused at that last line before glancing back at Storm Wing. “It is illegal, right?”

Storm’s reply was to yawn and bob his head up and down, so I took that as a nod.

“There you go, Luna,” I said, feeling firmly convicted in my statement. “It’s super illegal.  So you may, in fact, not sell me a pony for an outrageous sum.  Storm Wing would have to arrest you if you do that.”

Luna’s pillow-muffled laugh was shortly followed by the Sky Archons impatient sigh.  She eventually looked up from the fluffy fabric and wiped at her bleary eyes. “Humans are so awful though.”

“No, we’re not awful,” I rolled my eyes and handed (hooft’d?  Seriously, I’ve no clue what the appropriate term is…) a piece of waffle that I had sectioned off for her. “Some humans are awful.  A lot of humans are just fine.  And there are even more that are bigger sweethearts than some of the ponies I’ve met.”

She gingerly inserted the treat into her mouth. “I... I know... It’s just... I can’t explain it, Firewall.  I know you’re not all bad, but I can’t help but see all the dreadful potential.”

“Yeah, I figured,” I said with a nod, sighing feebly as I tried to arrange my scatterbrained thoughts. “I mean, The Nightmare wasn’t kidding.  Humans can get pretty nasty.  And yeah, we’re pretty keen on recording the worst parts of our history.  But it’s in an effort to learn and better ourselves from it.  Does that make any sense?”

“Mmmhmm,” she nodded with a soft yawn that Storm Wing quickly contracted. “And I can see a lot of reason and logic for many things that humans actually do.  But… Firewall, you have to realize that your world is terrifying compared to mine.

“Yeah.  Yeah, I know.” I felt my ears flop down against my head as I generally deflated all over. “Look, Luna, I know you…”

“However,” she interrupted me, “It’s still incredibly fascinating.  And industrialized technology is quite literally the most… amazing thing I’ve ever heard of.”

I blinked, tilting my head and perking up a tad. “Really?”

“Yes,” she nodded sleepily, “I just…”

She paused to yawn again, this time taking an exceptionally long time to get it over with.  I was impressed enough to clap a bit.

“Mmmm, first show is free,” she chuckled gently before continuing. “I don’t judge you, Firewall, for your origins.  I don’t even judge your origins.  They’re just different than mine and I’m fine with that.  But deep within the uncontrollable reaches of my heart... I guess the best word you would recognize is the subconscious.  I fear it.  I fear the world you come from.  And now that I understand those origins, Firewall… I cannot help but fear you; if just a little bit.  And no matter how much I know that it’s foolish, I cannot stop those fears from tormenting me while I sleep.”

I lost a lot of happiness in that right there.  The idea that Luna was frightened by me, even just subconsciously, was really heartbreaking.  My eyes went wide with disbelief and my voice couldn’t even find itself to let me assure her that I was nothing to be scared of.

“Let me explain.” She sat up a little. “I do not fear you hurting me, Firewall… But I fear that powerful human passion that you house.  In just the short time I’ve known you, I know that without a doubt that you live by leading with your heart.  And that’s beautiful.  You’re just so different from everything I’ve known.  But you’re also a mystery.  The Nightmare is an evil, but it’s an evil I know.  It’s an evil I can fight.  You… I don’t know what would happen if you were driven to an extreme.  You might tear down all of Equestria for what you think is the good and right thing to do.”

I blinked, shutting my mouth as I tilted my head back to the other side. “I think you are… vastly overestimating my potential.  Like… by a huge margin.”

“No.” She shook her head back and forth, slowly. “I don’t think I am.  On Earth, you might have been just another human.  Here, in Equestria, you will soon discover how limits are only determined by what you make of them.”

“And the thought of that bothers you?” I gave her a big goofy grin. “That I might get a wild hair up my plot one day and pierce the heavens with my horn?”

She sighed in exasperation before walloping me with a pillow and sending me sprawling.  I tumbled back a bit, bumping into Mister Captain Pony’s armoire.  I lifted my head to see him looking down at me with a smirk.

“Storm!” I cried out, pointing an accusing hoof in Luna’s direction, “That pony just assaulted me!  How many years in the dungeon is that?!”

“Four years for the victim,” he grunted, “and no trials.”

“Damn.” I slumped a bit as I started to pout. “What if I hit her back?”

“Then you get four years in the dungeon and a beating.  So by all means…”

“Luna… Your justice system sucks harder than Kirby at an AYCE (All You Can Eat for the acronym ignorant),” I whined.

She grunted back at me before sitting up a bit, her eyes widening somewhat.

I leaned away. “What…?  You okay?”

She tensed up a bit before suddenly dropping herself back against the bed and letting out a frustrated sigh. “Sorry, Firewall.  Tried to give a buck.  Couldn’t do it, though.”

With that she began to tiredly giggle.  I didn’t show it at first, but hearing her laugh in earnest was music to my pointy little ears.  Don’t know why; it was just a relief to see her happy.  Eventually I did smile and she took note, raising her eyebrows in confusion.

“What’s that for?” she queried.

“Dunno,” I replied honestly before getting up and cantering back to her bedside. “I guess I was just really worried and it’s nice to see that you’re okay.”

“At least I’m not stuttering anymore,” she remarked with a slow nod before turning on her side as though she were setting in for some inevitable bed rest. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Anything,” I answered without hesitation. “Keep in mind though, you definitely know much more than I do.”

“That’s nothing new,” she replied, the side of her mouth slowly turning upward. “But seriously, I want you to answer me as best you can.  In your own words, what is a human?  And if you say ‘A Miserable Pile Of Secrets’, I’m not sure what I’ll do, but I am sure it won’t be pleasant.  For you, at least.”

I was totally going to say it, too.

I sighed, drooping down somewhat before giving her a pout. “No bullshit?”

“You heard me,” she almost growled.

I let out a snicker before wiping the grin off my face and getting myself in the proper mindset.  It took me a moment to think of a place to start, but after a few moments of thinking, I figured I would just… let it flow.

Brace yourselves for the PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS OF FIREWALL!

“Alright then.” I took a moment to collect my thoughts one last time, tilting my head a bit before taking a deep breath. “Humans are... quite odd, now that I think about it.  They’re imaginative, desire-driven, persevering, stubborn, passionate creatures.  Nothing more. Not that different from ponies, really, except that humans don’t get cutie marks to tell us what we want deep down.  Which is hard because sometimes we never find out what we want.  When we do, though, we chase it without so much as a second thought and often never even realize that it makes us happy to have that purpose.  We’re not afraid to fight for what we want, even if it means fighting one another.

You can’t classify all of humanity in just a short, concise idea.  We’re way too diverse and to try would be pretty futile.  Some humans just think about themselves and their personal desires.  Some people want to help the race as a whole thrive and flourish.  Others, like me, want them and everyone around them to have fun.  In general, however, your average homo sapiens just wants to live his life and keep his head down in a simple, happy existence.  But no matter what a person’s cause, there are good and bad ways to go about it.  Sure, there are plenty of humans that aren’t afraid of stepping on anyone and anything, but there are plenty that refuse to show such carelessness.  Remember when you asked me how I’m able to stay so happy?”

Luna nodded at me, laying back down tiredly.  I glanced back at Storm Wing, only to meet his gaze.  He was staring back at me as intently as a blind pony could.  I think he was more interested in hearing this than Luna was, actually.

“That’s what it’s all about.  You’ve gotta take the good with the bad,”  I said popping what was left of the waffle in my mouth, “Yesterday you were just a pony princess, but now you’ve seen some serious shit.  And you’ve got to realize that the choice to either be happy or miserable is exactly just that.  A choice.  I know, it’s easier said than done, and you can’t really make yourself not have nightmares, but maybe... maybe you can adjust with time.  Much to your misfortune, though, you’ve just got me to help you along the way!”

Luna snorted before holding out her hoof to me.  After a moment of hesitation, I took it.  I felt her squeeze my hoof gently (which baffled my understanding of physics to no end) and after a few silent moments, she let her eyes flutter shut.  I bit my lip and felt my chest tighten up a little as the realization that Luna would probably not have a pleasant sleep despite my comforting words.  And I hated that.  I wanted to do something about that.  I wanted to be that protector.  That firewall, just as Luna had said.  My only problem was that the sheer ridiculousness of that notion was holding me back.  It was just such a magical and ludicrous thought process that I was following that I didn’t know if I should let myself go down that path.  Was this fanciful thinking just too far out there, I kept asking myself.  This wasn’t some fairy-tale, I said.  You’re still just another guy!

My train of thought was interrupted by Luna twitching a tad.  It wasn’t long before I understood what was happening.  Luna’s nightmares were returning.  She stirred with a whimper and I felt frustration seethe within me.  I just wanted to do something but what can one do about a nightmare?  Then I remembered Mister Vimh and his advice to me.  I had everything I needed to help Luna.  I was a freakin’ unicorn!  This was something I could do!  I had the imagination!  I had the faith!  I sure as hell had the bloody conviction!  All I needed now was the focus and I told myself that I would be damned before I screwed this up, too.

I shut my eyes, told myself what I wanted and how I would get it done.  I knew it would work if I just gave it my all, holding nothing back.  Almost immediately, I felt as though all strength I had left me so swiftly that I almost wondered if I had always been so decrepit.  I instantly recognized the arcane exhaustion for what it was and heard a small part of me begin to panic.  I nearly collapsed, but I wasn’t sure that I had produced results yet.  And that wasn’t good enough.  Uncertainty was not an option and I wasn’t going to stop until I knew I’d succeeded.  Despite my determination, though, I started to feel dizzy and was nearly forced into giving up by way of passing out.  It was the sound of Luna murmuring anxiously in her sleep that drove me on to keep on giving everything I had until I heard a distinct melodic ring.

I opened my eyes to see Luna sleeping peacefully with a little glowing shield just under her horn and nearly collapsed from the fatigue I had just inflicted upon myself.  Storm Wing caught me, having evidently left his perch to see what I was doing.

“Come with me,” he said quietly, hooking a wing under me and began to guide me out of the room.  His voice was urgent and his motions were a little rushed.  If I had been just a little more aware, I’d have tried to discern what the big hurry was.  Things as they were, though, I wasn’t in much of a condition to do anything but comply with a tired grunt.

As we exited, Storm Wing shut the door and sighed in relief. “Thank you, Firewall.  I don’t know what you did, but I’m glad you did it.”

“Did what?” a regal voice popped up from behind us, “Is Luna any better?”

Celestia is not small.  Nor is she particularly colored to camouflage against anything, considering she glows like the sun half the time!  Hence, you can understand my shock when she got so close without making any noise.

“Sssshit!” I hissed despite my exhaustion, stumbling away from the princess until I fell back on my hindquarters.

“Yes, my princess.  Firewall helped Luna get to sleep with a spell I’ve never seen before,” Storm Wing answered her, ignoring my dramatic reaction. “She’s now not having any nightmares.  At least, I don’t think she is.”

“D-Damn it, Celestia!” I placed a hoof over my chest. “Are all princess ponies so stealthy!?”

“I’m… I’m so glad.” Celestia smiled as though Christmas had come early before looking down at me. “I… Thank you, Stephen.”

“Yeah…” I panted, nodding as I smiled back up at the princess. “Yeah, just… You just make some noise when you walk, and we’ll call it even, yeah?”

“We should probably move him away from the door,” Storm commented slyly, as though I were about to make a racket.  To be fair, I’m prone to do that sort of thing.

He pointed at me with a hoof, attracting Celestia’s attention.  She followed his hoof to me and didn’t seem to notice at first.  After a second, though, she gasped and held a hoof up over her mouth in shock.

“Oh my,” she murmured in surprise before smiling brightly. “I think you should come with me, my little human.”

I think I just came up for a way to make a million bits selling a new line of toys to little colts and fillies.

Even though the worst of the exhaustion had already departed, I simply obeyed.  Picking my sorry plot up, I cantered after the princess with a curious, if somewhat tired expression on my face.  Storm Wing kept pace with a slight smile on his lips.  I kept trying to get what was up out of him, but he kept shaking his head, unwilling to spill the beans.

I followed Celestia all the way to the ballroom and all the way to the dais where they put performers like the ones we had seen at the Grand Galloping Gala.  Alongside the back of the wall was a large mirror that stretched all the way up on the impressively tall ceiling.

“Now that we are sufficiently away from Luna’s room,” Celestia started with a laugh, “Why don’t you take a look at yourself.”

I blinked tiredly before turning my head at the mirror.  It took me a minute to realize what was so damned important but after I finally noticed what was up, I could see why it was so critical that I stay away from Luna.  Because I was about to make a lot of noise.  Or at least, I had every intention of doing so.

“Mother of God,” I wheezed, stumbling a bit. “There’s a tattoo on my butt.  How much did I have to drink last night?”

Storm Wing snorted as I lost my balance and held up a hoof to help steady me.

Yes, it was true.  A mother-bucking Cutie Mark.  It was beautiful.  The design was simplistic, yet stylish; a tri-pointed red shield that held a smaller blue shield inside of it with a tiny tongue of flame in the center.  I was utterly breathless.  I couldn’t believe it.  I had a Cutie Mark.  Oh sweet pony Jesus.  Things were getting dizzy.

“I’m… I’m so... Oh God.” I craned my head to look upon it with my own eyes.  Oh God, it was still there.  That meant it was real. “I think I’m… I think I’m going to cry.”

It made such perfect sense.  I wanted to be a protector and now I got a shield for a Cutie Mark.  All I needed now was a pair of wings to complete the All-Bronies-Will-Die-Of-Jealousy combo.  And yeah, my eyes were totally welling up with glee.

“Celestia, I’m… Does this make me a pony, now?” I looked up at her with my lip poked out to help show her just how emotionally charged this had made me.

She was about to reply when she was cut off by a loud, brash, and arrogant laugh.  A very distinctive loud, brash, and arrogant laugh. Indeed, it was my favorite loud, brash, and arrogant laugh.

“Tremble, Canterlot!  Tremble from head to hoof!  For this land is now under the rule of a New Order!  I, The Great and Powerful Trixie, claim this city in the name of Azure Flora!” her beautifully obnoxious voice boomed throughout the grand  room.

“I’ve never been so happy to hear an invasion announcement,” I stated with all seriousness, my eyes wide with excitement. “I, for one, welcome our new pony overlord.”

“What?” Storm Wing was so very confused by my words.  I can’t say I blame him.

The roof was suddenly torn off of the ball room and that awesome blue pony dropped in, laughing haughtily.

“Cower before The Great and Powerful Tr-r-rixie!”

This was quickly followed by me running down the stairs and hitting her with a glomp.  For those of you that are not fanboy/girl-inclined, a glomp is an enthusiastic flying tackle-hug.  And that’s just what I did.  I glomped Trixie.

For great justice.

Yes, you may all proceed to die from jealousy overload.

-=-

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